She Ruined My Life, and I Let Her

[Satu]

She would have followed me into the building. It was either talk to her or call the police to kick her off the property.

 

I'm glad we talked. It didn't mess me up. I'm just feeling kind of hollow. She won't bother me anymore. I don't think she will anyways.

 

Fair enough.

[Satu]

Tell me this Engineer:

 

If I take her word and the words of her "friends" that her ex-husband was a cheating jerk, and that he cheated on her for years while she sat at home raising their daughter...

 

*Why the hell would she turn around and start acting out the same way towards me? Midlife crisis? Sudden-slut syndrome?

 

I know she lies and covers things up. Should I just assume she was lying to me about her marriage?

 

This is the part I cant wrap my head around.

 

She probably just wanted a naughty adventure, and didn't think she'd get found out. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

 

It really could be as simple as that.

 

I doubt that she spent any time thinking about what the consequences of it could be.

[sandylee1]

I give people likes for taking the time to post and to give me their perspective. Likes to me are like a "thank you for participating". Doesn't mean I agree with the post.

 

Okay. I hadn't read about her ambush before I posted my message or I would have known you weren't going back.

 

I think when she looks back she'll think, 'I fu***d up my future with a great guy because I was such a stupid bi**h'

 

And you know what? She'd be right to think that way.

The human race really make the mind boggle.

[happyman64]

She ambushed me at my workplace when I got here at 5:30 this morning. I don't know how early she must have gotten here. I was getting out of my truck when she tapped me on the shoulder. I had not seen her car parked in the lot.

 

She asked me if she could talk to me and to please not walk away. It was raining so I told her to get in my truck. I turned on the heater and we talked. She begged me to come back home and admitted to both sleeping with her younger man about 15 times or more. As to the ex-boyfriend from college, she admits that she did lie to me and had her friends cover for her, and that she did get together with him over that weekend. She did have sex with him several times.

 

I was crying and she was crying and I told her that she had ripped my heart out and wasted a good thing that we had. I told her I was not interested in reconciliation because she had no respect for me. Of course she said that was not true...blah blah...

 

I told her there was no way I would trust her going forwards and that she was not the kind of person I wanted to marry or spend my life with. She started crying harder and begging me to give her another chance but I just shook my head and told her it was over. I asked her why I was not enough for her...why she had to get together with those two guys. She said she did not know but that she is going to start counseling next week to figure out herself and why she would act this way. I asked her, with all the pain her ex-husband put her through, how could she turn around and do the same, if not worse, to someone she professes to love? She said she didn't know. I told her that wasn't good enough and that she needed to explore that in counseling.

 

We talked some more but it didn't really go anywhere, just in circles. She eventually said "Okay, I had to try. I do love you and always will." Then she left.

 

I don't know how I really feel right now.

 

What a shame she doesn't love her self! I feel bad for you but you handled yourself well.

 

And just the fact she banged two other guys 15-20 times truly shows she has issues. I'm sure she put her health and your health at risk as well. Who does this? A selfish, troubled woman.

 

I hope she gets help. Now go to the clinic and get tested yourself. And send her the bill as a parting shot. Have fun with the Tesla. The car will be more loyal to you than that woman.

 

She truly has no idea what she lost but she will someday.

 

HM

[happyman64]

Tell me this Engineer:

 

If I take her word and the words of her "friends" that her ex-husband was a cheating jerk, and that he cheated on her for years while she sat at home raising their daughter...

 

Why the hell would she turn around and start acting out the same way towards me? Midlife crisis? Sudden-slut syndrome?

 

I know she lies and covers things up. Should I just assume she was lying to me about her marriage?

 

This is the part I cant wrap my head around.

 

We see this happen many times.

 

She was a BS. She was abused by her exh's cheating and lies. She became damaged goods.

 

Some BS's fix themselves. They have strong values and seek out others with the same values.

 

Some BS's do not fix themselves. They have become damaged goods. On the outside they look great (activist, charming, life of the party, party hard) but on the inside they are unhappy, depressed using drugs or alcohol to cope every day through their lives.

 

What's next? lies, cheating and going through life pretending that they are not just fine but great!

 

Now you see the real her. The damaged her.

 

What a shame you did not ask her if she is happy with herself when she looks in the mirror?

 

Or

 

Are you ever going to take responsibility for your crappy decisions?

 

Or

 

When are you going to become the woman you promised me to be as well as the mother that sets an example for her daughter?

 

Do you know the two OM?

 

HM

[LifeWasted]

Good stuff.

 

Thank you all.

[LifeWasted]

 

Now you see the real her. The damaged her.

 

What a shame you did not ask her if she is happy with herself when she looks in the mirror?

 

Or

 

Are you ever going to take responsibility for your crappy decisions?

 

Or

When are you going to become the woman you promised me to be as well as the mother that sets an example for her daughter?

 

Do you know the two OM?

 

HM

 

Wow. I want to send her a text asking this. Can I? Can I?

 

I don't know her college boyfriend. I do know the younger guy. He came to alot of the parties we attended. He always had his own date, so I suspected nothing. He seemed like a decent guy. I didn't spend much time with him. He is good looking, fit and young.

[LifesontheUp]

Who knows about her previous marriage - all you know for fact now is she cheated on you with 2 different men not just once but numerous times.

 

You will get over this. I was with my xH 18 yrs and thought I would live a life on my own. I was happy with that but I met my current husband and we are still together many years later

[lgspot]

She's slipping and on a downward spiral LW.

Didn't she get caught kissing friend's H.

A full-blown crises isn't far off the direction she's heading.

She DOES need counciling. Losing a great guy, friends, and a good carpenter in the same week are not good signs.

 

Ps: at least we know she lost some sleep too. lol

[I_Give_Up67]

Most likely. I don't buy into all that "love you always" b.s. either.

 

Women forget and flush out the man they love once they move onto another guy. She will look back and remember me as the carpenter who fixed her house up but didn't finish the baseboards.

 

 

I have been lurking for a few weeks now and felt a need to chime in on your horrible situation. Sorry you are having to deal with this drama. But you are absolutely right on with your assessment above! From following your posts, I have concluded she is not being sincere one bit and does not regret her actions one bit. I would go as far as to say that by leaving, you saved her from having to be the bad person and kicking you out. The drama of approaching you at work as strictly to ease her own conscience and save face.

 

Hold strong and don't feel guilty about removing yourself from being with that incredibly damaged woman.

[Satu]

In my opinion, anyone who can cheat on a person they claim to love, is fundamentally dishonest, and critically flawed. They don't have a properly functioning conscience, or awareness of the responsibilities they have towards others.

 

Some of them hit bottom, wake up, and sort themselves out. Many don't.

 

On my own journey, I learned this:

 

"I have to be exactly the same person on the outside as I am on the inside."

 

Thats the least of what we owe to others and ourselves.

 

Anything else is fake.

[LifeWasted]

In my opinion, anyone who can cheat on a person they claim to love, is fundamentally dishonest, and critically flawed. They don't have a properly functioning conscience, or awareness of the responsibilities they have towards others.

 

Some of them hit bottom, wake up, and sort themselves out. Many don't.

 

On my own journey, I learned this:

 

"I have to be exactly the same person on the outside as I am on the inside."

 

Thats the least of what we owe to others and ourselves.

 

Anything else is fake.

 

Too bad I cannot "double like" this.

[writergal]

Too bad I cannot "double like" this.

 

Sure you can. Give Satu a +1 million for his post, especially for this part:

 

"I have to be exactly the same person on the outside as I am on the inside."

 

Thats the least of what we owe to others and ourselves.

 

If everyone could achieve that, think of how much easier our relationships with each other would be. If only...

 

Oh and Satu...I give you a +1 million for your post because it's awesome!

[happyman64]

Wow. I want to send her a text asking this. Can I? Can I?

 

I don't know her college boyfriend. I do know the younger guy. He came to alot of the parties we attended. He always had his own date, so I suspected nothing. He seemed like a decent guy. I didn't spend much time with him. He is good looking, fit and young.

 

You absolutely can send her a text. A strong man walks away from an event like this and never speaks to her again.

 

 

A truly great man holds her to her commitments and promises. He reminds her of who she is supposed to be. A good person. A woman that respects herself. A mother that cares what her own daughter thinks of her and learns from her.

 

 

She may never be your GF again. She may never be a trusted friend again. But she is someone that got you to love again and make a huge change in the direction your life was on.

 

 

I have a friend like this. I beat his ass once. Big time. Because he messed with my fiancé. I never trusted him again.

 

 

But I was there when both of his parents died. I was there when he was diagnosed with brain cancer and when he had a portion of his brain removed.

 

 

I am there when he needs a ride.

 

 

Why do I do it? I do it for me.

 

 

Why hold a grudge when you can make a difference in someone's life. There might be a 16 year old young woman who needs a compass in her life. Her mother is not it right now.

 

 

Maybe God has chosen you.......

 

 

Think about it.

 

 

Be strong. Then be great!

 

 

HM

[10thengineerharrison]

hm64:

 

I agree with you. For many people this kind of forgiveness might be impossible, especially this early on. But maybe not for LW? His call.

 

...that's not the same as suggesting he should take her back, of course. The data doesn't point to a healthy relationship with this woman. True remorse would require too much of her in this case. Relationships aren't serious for this kind of person. They can't be.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[LifeWasted]

I'm just going to operate off the idea that she lied about her marriage to her ex. While he may have indeed been a philanderer, I am going to assume she was having her share of affairs also.

 

No more internet relationships. No more. I learned my lesson.

 

Ha ha! Something funny just happened a minute ago. I am at a sports bar right now, typing this and having dinner, and one of my WGF's girlfriends walked up to the counter near where I am sitting and then looked over and saw me. She did an immediate bout face and walked out.

 

WTF?

 

What the hell was that about?

[No Limit]

I'm pretty sure that the only reason they gave you heads' up for 2 days was because they wanted to gossip about a miserable devastated guy. Especially with your ex probably telling them how bad she had it with you.

 

I suggest you forget these people altogether. They feed off of each other, there's no friendship involved.

 

 

edit; but it's good that woman saw you texting in a bar. No doubt she's going to tell your ex you're meeting new women already.

[drifter777]

I'm just going to operate off the idea that she lied about her marriage to her ex. While he may have indeed been a philanderer, I am going to assume she was having her share of affairs also.

 

No more internet relationships. No more. I learned my lesson.

 

Ha ha! Something funny just happened a minute ago. I am at a sports bar right now, typing this and having dinner, and one of my WGF's girlfriends walked up to the counter near where I am sitting and then looked over and saw me. She did an immediate bout face and walked out.

 

WTF?

 

What the hell was that about?

Why do you care?

[JS84]

I'm just going to operate off the idea that she lied about her marriage to her ex. While he may have indeed been a philanderer, I am going to assume she was having her share of affairs also.

 

No more internet relationships. No more. I learned my lesson.

 

Ha ha! Something funny just happened a minute ago. I am at a sports bar right now, typing this and having dinner, and one of my WGF's girlfriends walked up to the counter near where I am sitting and then looked over and saw me. She did an immediate bout face and walked out.

 

WTF?

 

What the hell was that about?

 

I wonder if she went to report your whereabouts to your gf.

[drifter777]

Okay. I hadn't read about her ambush before I posted my message or I would have known you weren't going back.

Really? That's what you got out of it? I read it as his first step toward taking her back. I mean, now he "doesn't know how to feel". And I don't care one way or the other because some people just don't want to start over. Some people would rather be secure than happy, and I understand that feeling. Whatever OP decides to do isn't going to be determined by anything anyone on this forum says to him. That's probably a good thing.

[writergal]

I can't get the Dynasty character Alexis Carrington out of my head Life Wasted. I have no idea how close your exGF is to her, but I found these

of the things she's said in that tv show and it's hilarious. Maybe it will entertain you too.

 

I think your exGF's friend's about-face was because she felt awkward because maybe she was one of the friends who covered for your exGF's dalliances. Who knows.

 

Whatever you decide to do now, you have a forum of support here for you. I hope that it helps you cope with this stressful situation.

[Lion Heart]

I'm just going to operate off the idea that she lied about her marriage to her ex. While he may have indeed been a philanderer, I am going to assume she was having her share of affairs also.

 

No more internet relationships. No more. I learned my lesson.

 

Ha ha! Something funny just happened a minute ago. I am at a sports bar right now, typing this and having dinner, and one of my WGF's girlfriends walked up to the counter near where I am sitting and then looked over and saw me. She did an immediate bout face and walked out.

 

WTF?

 

What the hell was that about?

 

I agree with your surmising about exes M. She was FAR too good at it for her to still be learning how to cheat. She's an expert.

She aimed to retain that lifestyle with you as an innocent participant. You're out. Not your game.

 

Yeah who cares what the friend of hers is doing / thinking / texting. .. nothing. They're ALL nothing to you now. No pondering. Just blocking.

 

You've moved fast. You've done so well. It's a matter of simultaneously putting distance between you and that past plus building your new social life - safely.

 

Are there new places you can drink / eat. Etc.

 

It's best to avoid the places "they" frequent

Unless of course you want to run into them.

 

Your choice.

 

LH

[10thengineerharrison]

I can't get the Dynasty character Alexis Carrington out of my head Life Wasted. I have no idea how close your exGF is to her, but I found these

of the things she's said in that tv show and it's hilarious. Maybe it will entertain you too.

 

I liked her much better in "The City on the Edge of Forever".

 

"Can I help?" still melts me.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison.

[sidney2718]

You absolutely can send her a text. A strong man walks away from an event like this and never speaks to her again.

 

A truly great man holds her to her commitments and promises. He reminds her of who she is supposed to be. A good person. A woman that respects herself. A mother that cares what her own daughter thinks of her and learns from her.

 

She may never be your GF again. She may never be a trusted friend again. But she is someone that got you to love again and make a huge change in the direction your life was on.

 

I have a friend like this. I beat his ass once. Big time. Because he messed with my fiancé. I never trusted him again.

 

But I was there when both of his parents died. I was there when he was diagnosed with brain cancer and when he had a portion of his brain removed.

 

I am there when he needs a ride.

 

Why do I do it? I do it for me.

 

Why hold a grudge when you can make a difference in someone's life. There might be a 16 year old young woman who needs a compass in her life. Her mother is not it right now.

 

Maybe God has chosen you.......

 

Think about it.

 

Be strong. Then be great!

 

HM

 

Well put, but I'm not sure about the advice. Wasted isn't yet really separated emotionally from his WGF. Establishing any contact with her now only means that she will respond and then he'll feel the need to respond and on and on and on, wasting emotional energy and going nowhere.

 

Wasted needs to get on with his life right now. He needs to get on with his job goals, find a better place to live, make some friends, have a fling or two, or in other words, he needs to get a life.

[sidney2718]

I'm just going to operate off the idea that she lied about her marriage to her ex. While he may have indeed been a philanderer, I am going to assume she was having her share of affairs also.

 

No more internet relationships. No more. I learned my lesson.

 

Ha ha! Something funny just happened a minute ago. I am at a sports bar right now, typing this and having dinner, and one of my WGF's girlfriends walked up to the counter near where I am sitting and then looked over and saw me. She did an immediate bout face and walked out.

 

WTF?

 

What the hell was that about?

 

She doesn't want to talk to you. That doesn't mean she's your enemy, she may just not want to tell you what WGF is doing right now or perhaps she thinks that you'll only bitch and moan to her.

 

I'd just ignore it.