She Ruined My Life, and I Let Her

[lgspot]

I have a feeling that what I am going to say may not be popular, with the others posting on here and also with you. But I am reading things in between the lines of your posts that either other people aren't reading, or that I am just somehow inventing. If it's the latter that's fine, but just in case, here goes.

 

You are a strong man and clearly you don't take sh*t from anyone. Your ego took a massive hit with this woman. However, I think your talk is stronger and more definite than what you feel inside. I think you are hurting a lot more than you let on in these posts. I also think maybe you have not given up on the idea of reconciliation totally - and maybe you shouldn't.

 

If you truly wanted out of this you would not be hanging around with her friends and then coming up with excuses why you are going to continue to do so even after this happened. I don't think you're ready to give up and walk away. Because you haven't walked away. She is still in your rear view mirror.

 

JMHO.

LW,

I sorta was getting the same vibe Hope posted.

I think you and she had a good thing going, and you're p***ed off she messed it up. I'm thinking you're wanting to see real remorse from her and validation she messed up.

SHE DID MESS UP!!!

Question in my mind is she woman enough to fix it?!?

Doesn't necessarily mean you all will end up together.

Be a shame that house doesn't become a real showpiece.....

[CarrieT]

Well tomorrow I start working on that spiral staircase. Wish me luck! First I have to take a bunch of pictures, then I have to put them on a plotting program, then I build a 3-D model to get the shape correct, and the we dismantle it, bring the pieces back to the shop and start carving. I have $7,000 worth of raw cherry wood coming in this week to start the carving process.

 

It will take about three months and 2000 man hours to rebuild it.

 

I love this stuff.

 

I would love, love, love to see pictures!

[LifeWasted]

LW,

I sorta was getting the same vibe Hope posted.

I think you and she had a good thing going, and you're p***ed off she messed it up. I'm thinking you're wanting to see real remorse from her and validation she messed up.

SHE DID MESS UP!!!

Question in my mind is she woman enough to fix it?!?

Doesn't necessarily mean you all will end up together.

Be a shame that house doesn't become a real showpiece.....

 

ooooooo the possibilities....

 

Yeah.. I guess I don't like being dissed in front of everyone. There is something in me that won't back down from it. I think I just want to get to a place of mutual co existence. I don't want to humiliate her or make her beg...

 

I would lose whatever microamount of respect I may have left for her if she did do that. But I don't buy her remorse as she may be showing it now. Just last week she was out and about with that little turd, so I'm not buying what she and her GFs are selling. Not at all. I don't know what her game is but I'm not going to put on a bellydancer costume and be a consort in her man harem.

 

As it is, I'm not being lured in. I know myself, I know my limits, and she has pushed me to my limit. But I'm not going to go shuffling off like a defeated bitch either...

[LifeWasted]

I would love, love, love to see pictures!

 

I will try to see if I can download some on this webpage. This webpage here is not the best.

[beach]

There is a conspiracy going on. She was there last night and I was pissed. I grabbed the guy who invited me and asked him why she was there, when his wife specifically told me she would not be. He hemmed and hawed and wouldn't give me an answer. My xWG's cronies are setting me up, trying to get us back together.

 

I was pissed. I'm still pissed.

 

The only one to be pied at is yourself.

 

You went.

 

Even after knowing she was there you made small talk with her.

 

Find new friends! These people aren't your friends when they continue doing this to you because you've allowed it. You KEEP allowing it.

 

You could have moved - but you didn't. You didn't, knowing full well she would be lurking - and lurking she is.

 

She waits long enough so to think "maybe he's not mad anymore". She figures maybe you've forgotten what she's capable of doing.

 

If you don't want her in your life then do more to keep her out of your life.

 

Stop socializing with those folks. Find new friends. Yell at her if you see her - embarrass her in front of everyone there!

 

Small talk? Why not get real and call her what she is - a skanky slut...in front of all her "friends"...?

 

I'd bet that would stop all her manipulative friends from bringing you two together any further!

[Satu]

Well tomorrow I start working on that spiral staircase. Wish me luck! First I have to take a bunch of pictures, then I have to put them on a plotting program, then I build a 3-D model to get the shape correct, and the we dismantle it, bring the pieces back to the shop and start carving. I have $7,000 worth of raw cherry wood coming in this week to start the carving process.

 

It will take about three months and 2000 man hours to rebuild it.

 

I love this stuff.

 

I've seen that done, and it takes a master craftsmen to do it.

[lgspot]

ooooooo the possibilities....

 

Yeah.. I guess I don't like being dissed in front of everyone. There is something in me that won't back down from it. I think I just want to get to a place of mutual co existence. I don't want to humiliate her or make her beg...

 

I would lose whatever microamount of respect I may have left for her if she did do that. But I don't buy her remorse as she may be showing it now. Just last week she was out and about with that little turd, so I'm not buying what she and her GFs are selling. Not at all. I don't know what her game is but I'm not going to put on a bellydancer costume and be a consort in her man harem.

 

As it is, I'm not being lured in. I know myself, I know my limits, and she has pushed me to my limit. But I'm not going to go shuffling off like a defeated bitch either...

I am in no way saying you are defeated!

I think she knows she F***ED UP. Her friends know she F**KED UP.

She's scrambling trying to save face and figure out how to get back best man she's ever known.

I suspect she's also heard it from her daughter and her friends.

She KNOWS she messed up, but doesn't KNOW how to fix it. Therefore some of her friends are trying to help her fix it. They like her and they like you.

Turd is just a turd.

In her eyes, showing up at parties alone would show everyone she's defeated. Pride--she wouldn't want that.

She's thinking about the biggest mistake she's made in her life.

How does she fix it?

 

She disrespected you and she doesn't know how to fix it.

You were disrespected and angry. I would be to.....

[LifeWasted]

Yeah it's a mess.

 

Well with this new project and the work it will take I will be too tired to go out and socialize. I will be laying low out of exhaustion.

[autumnnight]

Yeah it's a mess.

 

Well with this new project and the work it will take I will be too tired to go out and socialize. I will be laying low out of exhaustion.

 

This might be good for you too.

 

Okay, I'm female so it is not an exact comparison. I mean, I wouldn't take my cheater back if he crawled across broken glass.....and yet.....My brain and anger say "get thee away dud!". All the parts of my heart that were completely in love with him aren't there yet. It doesn't make me inauthentic, it makes me human. And in the grand scheme of things, I'm kind of GLAD my heart is such that I can't just immediately not give a flying flip about someone I would have been content to spend the rest of my life with.

 

You'll get there.

[Satu]

this might be good for you too.

 

Okay, i'm female so it is not an exact comparison. I mean, i wouldn't take my cheater back if he crawled across broken glass.....and yet.....my brain and anger say *"get thee away dud!". all the parts of my heart that were completely in love with him aren't there yet. It doesn't make me inauthentic, it makes me human. And in the grand scheme of things, i'm kind of glad my heart is such that i can't just immediately not give a flying flip about someone i would have been content to spend the rest of my life with.

 

You'll get there.

 

*"ΑΠΟ ΠΑΝΤΟΣ ΚΑΚΟΔΑΙΜΟΝΟΣ!"

[writergal]

*"ΑΠΟ ΠΑΝΤΟΣ ΚΑΚΟΔΑΙΜΟΝΟΣ!"

 

Translation: "Away every evil demon!"

[lgspot]

I would love, love, love to see pictures!

There's an amazingly beautiful stair case in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Be nice to do one similar.

[merrmeade]

Do really think her intentions are devious? I think she just likes happy endings. She wants me to be the forgiving boyfriend. This gal was one of the x's friends who were pressuring us to get married. I wanted to get married but I wanted to get myself established first. i wanted to get myself established before I bought her the ring

 

I'm just a happy go lucky, hard working goofy surfer. I dont have a strategic mind like so many of these people seem to have. they all talk wanting everyone to have marriages, have kids, go to church...yet alot of these people aslo sleep around, cheat like theives...

 

i just dont get it

Look, you are recovering nicely. You are on top of the situation and get to call the shots. This is simply because you have been honest and clear about what's important between people. Do NOT let other people's friends intimidate you or make you doubt what you know you know. Right now nobody's gaslighting you; don't let them start. You've done nothing wrong and had to learn some hard lessons. No one owns you. You don't NEED anything from anyone at the moment — certainly not from someone who proved herself to be undependable and unloyal.

 

Surfer, carpenter, whatever you are, you've got a lot better bead on what's important in life than anyone in that social group. They just want you to be like them. That's ALL that's about, and you've already seen that.

 

One thing I do NOT believe is your sudden breezy freedom and self-identification as a surfer dude. What happened to the carpenter who built up a reputable business over many years? You have plenty of reasons not to do what they're are trying to get you to do. But being a simple surfer dude is not the first one.

[sandylee1]

Do really think her intentions are devious? I think she just likes happy endings. She wants me to be the forgiving boyfriend. This gal was one of the x's friends who were pressuring us to get married. I wanted to get married but I wanted to get myself established first. i wanted to get myself established before I bought her the ring

 

I'm just a happy go lucky, hard working goofy surfer. I dont have a strategic mind like so many of these people seem to have. they all talk wanting everyone to have marriages, have kids, go to church...yet alot of these people aslo sleep around, cheat like theives...

 

i just dont get it

 

Tell all these people in no uncertain terms, but politely, that you WILL NOT be getting back with her. You do not accept cheating on you and you deserve a woman you can trust who hasn't shown she is a cheater period.

 

You don't want any more setting you up or people trying to play cupid. Enough!

 

It's as simple as that.

[JS84]

I still think you're doing great all things considered. Ya you really should talk with those friends though. No need to be harsh about it, just let them know what they did was not appreciated or respectful and you have no plans on getting back with her.

 

One thing I do disagree with, although it's up to you of course, is the idea you should feel the need to be able to "co-exist" with the exGF. Keep it at "Hi", "Bye", "How is the daughter" and leave it at that. Personally if I were in your shoes I wouldn't even do that much. She doesn't need to be a buddy or acquaintance. After what you've both been through that would really send her the wrong message.

 

There's a difference between high school relationships/dating and having a relationship with a woman whose daughter you were close to, were possibly going to marry, who betrayed you, and blew it all to hell. Apples and oranges my friend.

 

I'm not saying you have to ignore her, but your goal should be to reach a level of indifference with her or as close to indifference as you can possibly manage. You shouldn't be trying to replace the negative things you feel for her now with positives down the road unless your intention is to get back with her, which it clearly is not.

 

But again I reiterate you're doing better than 90% of the people I've read about going through the same thing over the past few years.

[10thengineerharrison]

Well, people are people. I'm not really mad at the gal. I am just amd at the whole situation. I told my xWGF i didn't appreciate being set up like that. Then I left.

 

That's what I would have done, I think. Only I would have done something more along these lines.

 

Me: "Friendwhoinvited-me, where's your bathroom?"

Friendwhoinvited-me: "in the house, down hall, first door on the right".

Me: "Thanks."

 

Then I'd go through the house and out the other side, get in my car and drive away without another word.

 

A few of those and they usually got the message.

 

TJ: which reminds me of a commedian I heard 30 or so years ago. He said he had a friend who always hung up on the phone with him without saying goodbye. One day, while talking with him on the phone, he asked him why he did that? His friend said "You know? That reminded me of something I wanted to ask you first?" He replied, "Sure, what is it?" His friend hung up.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[10thengineerharrison]

Thank you all for your level headed responses.

 

You know, I just refuse to become cynical. Life is too damn short to let people get me down. Yeah, I'm sort of dpressed right now, and seeing her again last night didn't help. And as pissed as I am, I'm not hurting as much. That raw stinging feeling is going away gradually.

 

I will try to make some new friends and hang out with others. But I am going to run into the xWGF from time to time. It is just going to happen. I don't want every meeting we have to be acrimonious or embarrasing or uncomfortable. If I can figure out a way to co-exist in the same town, then I am more than willing to be courteous and friendly to her, even though I want nothing to do with her personally.

 

She looked beautiful last night, but she was nervous and sad looking. She looked lost. I had to fight the urge to talk to her. I said hi, I asked her how her daughter was, we made some small talk, and then I told her I wasn't comfortable being sucked in like that and I left post haste. She never took her eyes off me the whole time I was there. She looked like she was going to cry.

 

You women are such strange, beautiful, irrational creatures.

 

I'm kind of getting the impression here that she's going to get it at some point, and so maybe she'll stop asking her friend to do this for her.

 

Really, though, if she really wanted you back she should be in some serious counseling and trying to find a way to convince you of that. But since you're not married and don't have kids together, even "I'll do whatever it takes" probably wouldn't be enough.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[10thengineerharrison]

Well tomorrow I start working on that spiral staircase. Wish me luck! First I have to take a bunch of pictures, then I have to put them on a plotting program, then I build a 3-D model to get the shape correct, and the we dismantle it, bring the pieces back to the shop and start carving. I have $7,000 worth of raw cherry wood coming in this week to start the carving process.

 

It will take about three months and 2000 man hours to rebuild it.

 

I love this stuff.

 

I'm no professional woodworker (I'm a geologist), but when we had a major fire at our historic house 14 years ago, I started using some of the insurance money to buy my own tools and teach myself how to use them. I've worked as a deck carpenter at a yacht company in my youth, so I was pretty quickly able to do better work than the contractor hired to rebuild the house.

 

Woodworking is good therapy! So it must be cool to get paid for it as well!

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[merrmeade]

Well tomorrow I start working on that spiral staircase. Wish me luck! First I have to take a bunch of pictures, then I have to put them on a plotting program, then I build a 3-D model to get the shape correct, and the we dismantle it, bring the pieces back to the shop and start carving. I have $7,000 worth of raw cherry wood coming in this week to start the carving process.

 

It will take about three months and 2000 man hours to rebuild it.

 

I love this stuff.

like everybody's been saying, you've got your priorities straight. And you seem to be clear about the real source of happiness -- with or without women or wood -- you.

[Lion Heart]

Life how are things going?

 

I just wanted to say you're an inspiration for me in my life and recovery from infidelity.

 

We had a freakin cyclone come through last week. Sure helped put things into perspective for me at least. I loved the no electricity for almost a week. Had the camp stoves up in the kitchen and actually enjoyed cooking for the first time since my D Day 4 months ago. Candles everywhere at night.

 

I'm buying a mother of a chainsaw and insisting I get a turn to saw up the 3 huge pine trees fallen in my back garden. Haven't been down there since before D Day. Can't wait now!

 

I guess just reading your thread (plus ofcourse the support from my other LS "heroes") has really helped me gain far more courage in a faster time. And I really wanted to say thankyou for sharing your story. A huge THANK YOU LIFE!

 

Lion Heart.

[irishguy]

Hey LW , hows things with you , how is the spiral staircase coming along.

[Cephalopod]

I just read through this thread. My gosh that is a heartbreaking story. Why do people like this woman do such things to others?!!! Her selfishness is off the charts, and even more mind-blowing when you consider that she spent many years as the victim of her cheating husband.

 

I hope that LifeWasted moved on and that his silence is not an indicator that he got back together with her.