I was topless on a beach and husband thinks it was disrespectful to him

[mrs rubble]

@1040- I am often naked in front of men, I am a naturist. I can assure you not all men crack an erection everytime they see a pair of boobs. They'd be kicked out of our community if they did.

 

@OP- I'd suggest taking your husband to a naturist resort so he can understand that for some people nakedness is normal and completely non-sexual, given that you are both already comfortable with semi-nudity.

[bubbaganoosh]

Basically what the title says. Husband and I have a disagreement over this and can't really get somewhere.

 

Context:

 

I was in Australia a few weeks ago for work (without husband obviously) and I went to a beach with a few friends. At some point in the day we were alone in the area (me, three female friends, two male friends). Two of the other girls went topless and I did too, no big deal really to me (I've gone topless before with my husband). So I went back home and yesterday my friend (who took a couple of pictures), created an album on iCloud and shared it with us, husband saw the pictures and said that going topless there was disrespectful to him and I should have consulted him first. I don't see why really.

 

So, what do you think? Some external ideas might be helpful.

 

Thanks!

 

You went topless with your husband there is one thing but he wasn't there this time. The other thing is is just wasn't 3 other girls, there were two other guys there too.

 

The thing is you assumed. Assuming and a buck and a half will get you a cup of coffee so now your in the dog house and the only thing I can tell you is that before you decide to do something out of the norm, think before you act. Your already in the frying pan and the last thing you want to do is jump in the fire

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am glad you posted this....because it is a topic I had not discussed with my husband.

 

I go topless on the beach all the time with my husband. (His idea and request)

 

I might have assumed like you that it would be ok.

 

Guess what! It isn't. The kicker is ..you went with friends which included two men.

 

John says if it was just you three girls...no problem. It was the fact that the men were also there.

 

Sooo...thank you...I know to never go topless without my husband.......

[Davey L]

I think people are missing the point. It is not really about whether he should be upset or not, or whether he is "right" or "wrong" to be upset about her partial nudity, but about whether she was disrespectful by disregarding his views on it.

 

OP has clarified that she wouldn't have done it if she'd known he'd be upset about it. If she makes that clear to him he should be happy as no disrespect was intended.

[Mr. Lucky]

husband saw the pictures and said that going topless there was disrespectful to him and I should have consulted him first.

 

I'm confused by his response, how would his consent be given ??? Do you call him when the other two girls take their tops off?

 

Doesn't seem like the kind of thing you plan in advance...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

Well, OP is off, talking to her husband I suppose. I have been thinking about this and I have a theory from a man's point of view. Without more details, it's hard to be sure.

 

OP: "Two of the other girls went topless and I did too, no big deal really to me (I've gone topless before with my husband)."

 

I am going to assume when OP says this, she went once topless at a beach with her husband along. If they did this repeatedly, this analysis does not hold. Also making other assumptions.

 

THEORY:

 

My guess is they got to the beach the other time and she said, "Oh, look, the other girls are topless. I am going to join them."

 

Husband is surprised, maybe completely shocked. He has never once in his life thought about her doing this and does not know what to say. He is against it because he thinks his wife's body is his alone to look at, but thinks, "Well, everyone else is doing it, and we don't know anyone here, and I am here to make sure nothing happens. Plus I get to look at other boobies. I guess I'll put up with it this time."

 

Plus maybe he does not want to be a "stick-in-the-mud," and he does not want to argue, because he will be getting **** for a week if he does.

 

He has about 2 seconds for all this to flash through his head and he has to respond. Instead of being honest and saying, "No, honey, I'd prefer you not to do that," he RELUCTANTLY agrees "Ok, honey" and does not say anything more, because that's what men do; we clam up. To him, this is a one-time thing. But he does not really like it and he watches her the whole time, preparing to ward off other men.

 

In the female mind, this becomes something along the lines of, "Cool, I always knew naked breasts were no big deal. I can go free and topless now. I now have carte blanche to take off my top on a beach anywhere, anytime, for the rest of my life, with or without him, no matter if my male friends and a bunch of other guys are around, and my girlfriend can take pictures and send them around. My husband is so understanding."

 

He finds out about this latest episode and thinks, "Again? Without telling me? And I was not there? With her male friends? And there are pictures of her being sent around? WTF?"

 

I hope the OP comes back with more details to see if my theory has any validity.

 

 

 

On a business trip and have time to go topless on the beach? Business done why not catch an earlier flight.

 

 

Then to go topless in front of other men that you went to the beach with?

 

 

Again an American husband expects his wife to pack her American values

when she goes away on a trip.

[xxoo]

I'm confused by his response, how would his consent be given ??? Do you call him when the other two girls take their tops off?

 

Doesn't seem like the kind of thing you plan in advance...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

If you come from a place where topless doesn't happen unless you specifically seek out those opportunities, and you travel someplace where topless is so common and natural that it happens on business trips, I think that would come up before my trip.

 

Honestly, I'd hope that my H would politely excuse himself if his friends unexpectedly took their tops off, or suggested a visit to a topless venue. I'd do the same. And then we'd Skype, "You wont' believe what just happened!"

[beatcuff]

there really is not a right or wrong, especially:

 

...Two of the other girls went topless and I did too, no big deal really to me (I've gone topless before with my husband).

 

why should her spouse be 'disrespected' when she does what she did in front of him. would a string bikini be any better? what about an evening dress with cleavage?

 

his expectation of her to be in a 'moo moo' (you get the hint) is over the top and/or her to consult (really dress) him is not much better. nevertheless OP now is not the time 'correct' his hang ups. apologize then address it at a later time when emotions are lower (a month or so). and do not be surprised if you never win this.

[HereNorThere]

Of course, wouldn't have done it if I knew it would bother him and won't do it again. Picture was only shared privately between us 3 girls, I'm not worried about that.

 

 

I wouldn't like it if my wife was hanging out topless with other men, but it also sounds like you guys have done this sort of thing together before, so in a lot of ways he symbolically gave you permission without realizing. I can understand that.

 

It's this quote I have a problem with. Not only did you go topless, but you also,posted them to the internet and shared them with 3 people. Sorry, but that three people is either 100 or 1000 people now.

 

Every device those pictures were viewed on now contains them. Eventually those devices will be sold or repaired by someone like me. I see this type of thing all the time. If you think you can privately share ANYTHING with 3 people on the internet, you're naive to say the least.

 

Especially iCloud. You might as well have made a billboard. Just ask Jennifer Lawrence.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Basically what the title says. Husband and I have a disagreement over this and can't really get somewhere.

 

Context:

 

I was in Australia a few weeks ago for work (without husband obviously) and I went to a beach with a few friends. At some point in the day we were alone in the area (me, three female friends, two male friends). Two of the other girls went topless and I did too, no big deal really to me (I've gone topless before with my husband). So I went back home and yesterday my friend (who took a couple of pictures), created an album on iCloud and shared it with us, husband saw the pictures and said that going topless there was disrespectful to him and I should have consulted him first. I don't see why really.

 

So, what do you think? Some external ideas might be helpful.

 

Thanks!

 

 

 

The fact that you are misleading the realities here, with that hardly-relevant title, shows that you know right from wrong, and are still trying to pull one over on us.

 

The "beach" had zero to do with this, and everyone knows it!!

 

 

Australia had zero to do with this, and everyone knows it.

 

You went half naked in front of two of your male friends (who, of course, are only your friends because they would rather be banging you) (*** which your husband clearly understands)

 

 

This rings similar to the way it would ring had you invited those same people over to your own home, in your own town, and pulled the blinds and each opted to parade around topless.

 

Just because it happened to be "legal" to be topless on a beach in Australia, does not mean that it was any more 'legal' than would be the case had you done the same thing in your own home.

 

Now what if hubby decided it was OK for him to go bottomless while spending time in your home with two female 'friends' when you weren't around ???

 

How absurd your position seems to be...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

the situation with friends just being open and free with each other in an acceptable locale.

 

 

ROFL - this is absurd!

 

Being nude in one's own home is acceptable by letter of the law too, and this logic implies that the woman's hubby could invite a few of his female coworkers over for a non-sexual nude fest merely because they pulled the blinds so the neighbors wouldn't have to see.

[Clockwork]

Basically what the title says. Husband and I have a disagreement over this and can't really get somewhere.

 

Context:

 

I was in Australia a few weeks ago for work (without husband obviously) and I went to a beach with a few friends. At some point in the day we were alone in the area (me, three female friends, two male friends). Two of the other girls went topless and I did too, no big deal really to me (I've gone topless before with my husband). So I went back home and yesterday my friend (who took a couple of pictures), created an album on iCloud and shared it with us, husband saw the pictures and said that going topless there was disrespectful to him and I should have consulted him first. I don't see why really.

 

So, what do you think? Some external ideas might be helpful.

 

Thanks!

 

Maybe women don't know this but I can assure you that those male friends have fantasized, and maybe masturbated, over seeing you topless by now. If that doesn't bother you, then fine, but I can see how it would bother your husband. He wasn't there, things can happen in that situation and I'd have a problem if someone saw my wife naked if I wasn't around.....obviously not if it was just girls, but there were two guys like you said, so that would be a problem for me.

 

 

A woman's breasts are sexual. Trust me on this. A man's aren't. From the age of.....I don't know, 11, 12, 13......us males are obsessed with breasts. I'm 34 and my wife can't even undress in front of me without me breathing heavy. So if you don't think it is a big deal, believe me, the guys who saw you naked do. Your husband is the only one between the two of you that is a man, so he knows.

[orangetree]

Suppose he'd been with one of those tribes in Africa where it's considered polite for visiting men to sleep with their wives. Because that's the custom, is he supposed to partake?

 

 

That's ridiculous- How can you even compare that? That's comparing oranges and apples.

 

 

OP, I think your husband is a bit close-minded here and I don't see that you did anything wrong. You weren't in a sexual situation and didn't know that it would upset your husband. I think you don't even need to apologize for that. Just tell him you didn't know it would upset him and that you won't do it again out of respect.

[orangetree]

Maybe women don't know this but I can assure you that those male friends have fantasized, and maybe masturbated, over seeing you topless by now. If that doesn't bother you, then fine, but I can see how it would bother your husband. He wasn't there, things can happen in that situation and I'd have a problem if someone saw my wife naked if I wasn't around.....obviously not if it was just girls, but there were two guys like you said, so that would be a problem for me.

 

 

A woman's breasts are sexual. Trust me on this. A man's aren't. From the age of.....I don't know, 11, 12, 13......us males are obsessed with breasts. I'm 34 and my wife can't even undress in front of me without me breathing heavy. So if you don't think it is a big deal, believe me, the guys who saw you naked do. Your husband is the only one between the two of you that is a man, so he knows.

 

 

That is YOU, certainly not every man. I'm from Europe and here it's quite normal to be topless at the beach (I don't do it though). No men are staring or heavy breathing (except of maybe some pervs or teenage boys), they're just not sexualising the situation because it's very normal. Trust me on this, I've been to many beaches with topless women and I haven't see staring or anything, not from my male friends or strangers. It's just not a big deal.

[SolG]

This is really interesting! I've sunbathed topless at the beach pretty much my whole adult life; not every single time, but consistently. With SOs, with friends, on my own. And it has never even occured to me that an SO would be upset by it :-/ And to my knowledge, none ever has been.

 

Fact of life is that people perv at the beach. Men, women... Regardless of what people do or don't wear. And I couldn't care less!

 

However, if my SO at the time were to express that it made him uncomfortable, I don't see it as a big deal to accommodate his preference. It's not like topless sunbathing is a necessary part of life. Sounds like an easy compromise to make for someone you care about.

 

And the OP sounds like she has the same opinion. Sounds like it will end well to me :-)

[BetrayedH]

Speaking as an American male, I get excited about going to a topless beach. I've been to a few in Florida (some of the women in South Beach were stunning) and some more liberal ones in Jamaica. And it's not about the art of the naked female. And while we may not be ridiculous by obviously staring and gawking, we are checking out just about every pair we can see without being busted. At the time, you'd think it was the reason God invented sunglasses. If you think it's not a sexualized experience, that's because we've convinced you it's not a sexualized experience, when it really is. Attending Mardi Gras in New Orleans is a similar experience. Lots of women expose their breasts (to get beads, of all things) and the men are whipped into a virtual frenzy - and it's not over the artistic value of the naked female form.

 

Breasts are a secondary sexual organ and in American culture, they're covered in public. It's also perfectly common for an American man to have an expectation that his wife's bare breasts to be his alone to view.

 

I can also completely understand the OP's husband having different views on his wife being topless when he is present vs not being present. If I consented to my wife being topless while I'm around, the men may enjoy the show but it's clear that she's with me and yes, I could intervene if a man doesn't know his place. But I would not be cool with my wife exposing her breasts to men when I'm not around. Call it possessive if you like but there should be boundaries within a marriage and they should be respected.

 

I also think the example of the shoe being on the other foot previously cited in this thread is pretty appropriate. If the OP found pictures of her husband hanging out with a few topless women, she'd likely be displeased, maybe even pissed - and she'd be right if he hadn't confirmed her consent before doing so. His argument that she'd been on a beach topless before and that being around women's bare breasts is "no big deal" wouldn't hold water.

 

Do I think the OP is a slut for having done it? No. It sounds like she was legitimately ignorant of her husband's boundaries and perhaps a bit naive about how men really feel at a topless beach. At the same time, I do think it would have been more respectful to get his input before exposing her breasts to other men, even if she was in another more liberal country. So yes, calling him and defaulting to not going topless until she did would have been more appropriate and respectful.

 

I agree with those posters that suggest she apologize, promise not to repeat the performance, and then show him how lucky he is that these breasts are for him and him alone. Problem solved.

[Thicke2013]

That is YOU, certainly not every man. I'm from Europe and here it's quite normal to be topless at the beach (I don't do it though). No men are staring or heavy breathing (except of maybe some pervs or teenage boys), they're just not sexualising the situation because it's very normal. Trust me on this, I've been to many beaches with topless women and I haven't see staring or anything, not from my male friends or strangers. It's just not a big deal.

 

 

It's not really fair IMO to compare. The biggest key in this story for me is that there were 2 male coworkers there. They were from the same place as is her husband and more importantly apparently work closely with the OP. I assume that it is not the norm where they are from. Should it also be acceptable for her to remove her top at a neighborhood barbecue if the notion hits her or as long as a few friends are doing it? To me that is the only sticking point in it all and I can see where the husband is coming from. Had it been only female coworkers I can't see too many husbands having a problem with this. I for one work in the same office as my wife and I would have a cow if I found out that she went topless in front of any of our male coworkers. She has however been on a girls trip to Cancun before and went topless and I had absolutely no problem with it. Another trip where several couples went she did not go topless and she said it was out of respect for me even though I did not ask her not to. She said she didn't feel comfortable with the other husbands seeing her that way and felt it might upset me.

 

 

Going forward OP, you at least now know that this upsets your husband so you can do as others have eluded to here and take the stance that it is your body and you can do with it as you please, or you can take the more humble approach and simply say I am sorry. It upset you and I didn't intend for that to happen. In the future, knowing now that it would upset you, I will not go topless unless we are together. Seems perfectly acceptable and easy enough to accommodate no? Minor speed bump in your marriage I would hope. Good luck OP.

[rester]

I think people are missing the point. It is not really about whether he should be upset or not, or whether he is "right" or "wrong" to be upset about her partial nudity, but about whether she was disrespectful by disregarding his views on it.

 

OP has clarified that she wouldn't have done it if she'd known he'd be upset about it. If she makes that clear to him he should be happy as no disrespect was intended.

 

I agree with this. If it wasn't a problem with him in the past, how is she supposed to know that it would be a problem for him now? What exactly about this new situation bothered him...the fact that he wasn't there, or that it was on a beach, or that she was with two men?

 

This would be a total non-issue for me if it was my girlfriend, and if it was, all she would have to do is reassure me it wouldn't happen again and that she didn't realize that I'd be upset by it.

 

If it went down as the OP described, it sounds completely innocent to me.

[MJJean]

I agree with this. If it wasn't a problem with him in the past, how is she supposed to know that it would be a problem for him now? What exactly about this new situation bothered him...the fact that he wasn't there, or that it was on a beach, or that she was with two men?

 

This would be a total non-issue for me if it was my girlfriend, and if it was, all she would have to do is reassure me it wouldn't happen again and that she didn't realize that I'd be upset by it.

 

If it went down as the OP described, it sounds completely innocent to me.

 

The bolded is the part that I hit on when I read the OP. Thing is, sometimes it's ok to do something when your spouse is there and not ok to do that same thing when your spouse is absent.

 

I can see why she thought it would be ok, but I can also see why her husband might be upset. So, this is one of those things they'll need to work out between them. It looks like there has been some lack of communication about boundaries and how they may be different depending on situation.

 

For me, if I had the body to show off and my DH had been ok with it in the past I might have also gone topless at this beach. It probably wouldn't occur to me that my DH would mind given previous history and it wouldn't have crossed my mind until later that maybe I should even call to check with him. It would have been an innocent mistake.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

However, if my SO at the time were to express that it made him uncomfortable, I don't see it as a big deal to accommodate his preference.

 

 

Well that's the whole point here - the lady didn't even see fit to learn whether it would make her husband uncomfortable before she bared her breasts in front of her male coworkers!!!!!

 

 

And only a complete fool would guess initially that it wouldn't...

 

 

So she knew what she was into, and yet she proceeded to bare her breasts for her male coworkers anyway.

 

 

 

You, as a married woman, don't bare your breasts for your male coworkers on a beach in Australia for most of the same reasons why you don't bare your breasts for your male coworkers in the break room at the office!!!

 

And you definitely don't do so without first consulting your spouse and initially assuming he would think it no big deal!!

[Clockwork]

That is YOU, certainly not every man. I'm from Europe and here it's quite normal to be topless at the beach (I don't do it though). No men are staring or heavy breathing (except of maybe some pervs or teenage boys), they're just not sexualising the situation because it's very normal. Trust me on this, I've been to many beaches with topless women and I haven't see staring or anything, not from my male friends or strangers. It's just not a big deal.

 

Except she knew very well her husband would be upset with this, hence, I don't think they are into that type of culture. Big difference.

[Friskyone4u]

This would it have been a problem if the two me men were not there . WEre your female friends also married .

Would you be fine with your husband on a beach with some topless women who you do not know sitting on the blanket with him????

[Mal78]

I'm late, sorry if this was visited...

 

Why is this an argument if you don't intend to do it again? Now that you realize your H isn't comfortable why are you here seeking validation to settle an argument about it?

[carhill]

Absent cultural details, it's difficult to provide meaningful perspective.

 

OP, when reading, I tend to think of this as your culture. Close?

 

If close, from a male perspective, were those male co-workers personally known by your husband? What was his relationship with them, if any? Had they been part of a group with whom you'd been topless with before?

 

I'm asking these questions because of, one, cultural dynamics, bother surrounding nudity and sex, vary markedly, as do the socialization and intrinsic personality characteristics of males around the world, relevant to their culture. As example, a German male might respond entirely differently from an American male or a Brazilian male, relevant to their cultures.

 

Are you interested in opinions about right or wrong or seeking advice to put this issue to bed for good, respecting that you've apparently made a choice to not do it again?

 

We used to have a version of this, 'at the river' (Colorado River) where 'what went on at the river stayed at the river' and, yup tata's were a part of that, whether at the riverside bars, or on the jet skis or on a single ski going topless. The key was everyone knew everyone and we had a history and spouses were all around. There was even some male nudity which I did not participate in (yikes!). I must say some of the views were spectacular and I get why people might think it's sexual but, in the moment, it was all good, slightly high, fun, and it ended that way.

 

Good luck!

[Gary S]

OP, how would you feel if your husband looked at girls in thier birthday suits online, texted other women, or went to a strip club, or went to a bachelor party with women for hire?

 

Just tell him you are sorry.

Edited March 12, 2015 by Gary S