Wife found out about affair

[whichwayisup]

Did you tell your wife that you met up with the OW today?

 

No way is the OW gonna let you go. And what happened to her with the self harming? Threatening to show up at your house? My guess is it was pure crap to manipulate you out of desperation. It worked, and now she knows she has you by the balls, she will have crisis after crisis, calling wolf and wanting you to come rushing to her side.

 

How is she 'calm' now after the other day bombarding you with tons of texts and threats?

Edited March 9, 2015 by whichwayisup

[Popsicle]

Thank you everyone for your input. BTW, those who claim that my AP was simply an unwitting victim to my ruses are ABSOLUTELY DELUSIONAL. She is an intelligent and strong woman, and actively pursued me as I pursued her throughout the entire affair.

 

In fact, I did meet with her briefly today. She is still intent on pursuing me. I told her that I am committed to saving my marriage, to which she acknowledged, but said that she'd be there when it falls apart.

 

I told her that trying to end the romantic part with us has been very difficult, but my focus was to save my marriage, and she should learn to move on and not linger in the background ready to strike. It doesn't seem like she is getting the message.

 

Unfortunately, I still have not figured how my work situation will be like since I am stuck in two very lucrative projects with her, and I do not want to give that up. So absolute NC is not an option at this time.

 

Nah, she'll get it, if she's as attractive as you say.

[obtuseedge]

Did you tell your wife that you met up with the OW today?

 

No way is the OW gonna let you go. And what happened to her with the self harming? Threatening to show up at your house? My guess is it was pure crap to manipulate you out of desperation. It worked, and now she knows she has you by the balls, she will have crisis after crisis, calling wolf and wanting you to come rushing to her side.

 

How is she 'calm' now after the other day bombarding you with tons of texts and threats?

 

She was sweet and smiley when I saw her. Yes, she admitted it was purely a tactic to see me.

[whichwayisup]

She was sweet and smiley when I saw her. Yes, she admitted it was purely a tactic to see me.

 

You gonna fall for it again? She's got balls to actually admit that to you.

 

Keep things professional at work. No personal chit chat and only deal with her when you have to.

 

Did you mention to your wife about meeting OW today?

[obtuseedge]

You gonna fall for it again? She's got balls to actually admit that to you.

 

Keep things professional at work. No personal chit chat and only deal with her when you have to.

 

Did you mention to your wife about meeting OW today?

 

No, I didn't mention to my wife.

 

But I plan to keep it business now. In the past, I was infatuated because I thought she'd be an ideal mate. Now I know better, my wife's already the ideal mate.

[dreamingoftigers]

No, I didn't mention to my wife.

 

But I plan to keep it business now. In the past, I was infatuated because I thought she'd be an ideal mate. Now I know better, my wife's already the ideal mate.

 

Too bad you had to rip the guts out of your marriage and destroy your intimate bond with your wife to realize that.

 

Hindsight 20X20

[AprilTears]

Here was my story from a couple weeks ago, well D-day came yesterday and it's hit our marriage like a tidal wave since.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/515871-affair-partner-broke-off-i-feel-sick

 

My wife apparently looked through my phone yesterday morning while I was in the shower and found some texts I had sent to my affair partner. Since then, it's been living hell at home. I am going to see a professional counselor, and have already had two appointments. It has been extremely difficult to see my wife in so much pain and agony, and to know that I am the cause of it.

 

I saw my affair partner yesterday after my wife found out. She was giddy with excitement thinking this will mean that we will soon have a life together. Since then, I've limited contact to focus on my marriage, but in her communication with me, she's been pushy about me moving out, and dismissive about the fallout and pain my wife is feeling. This has irritated me. I now feel that my conflict between staying or going in the marriage will not be a comparison of the two women, rather it would be a question of whether I can truly be the type of husband my wife deserves, or if I need to be alone to reflect on my life and some wrong decisions I might have made, and the pain and hurt I've caused.

 

I have to say that a part of me does feel a strong urge to end the marriage and divorce, and actually to spend some time being single to reconnect with myself in the aftermath of this. Another part of me sees the determination and strength my wife is exhibiting and her commitment to me and our marriage, and I would feel disgusted with myself if I did not give it my 100% to make this marriage work again. I have gained a lot of respect for my wife in the aftermath of this, even if she has lost respect for me.

 

It's going to be a difficult journey the next month or so. It really feels like hell right now.

 

The OW will push and push until you can no longer resist then you will move out. You will leave your wife to suffer greatly. She will stay in bed for days on end. Anti depressants. You will live Lord knows where and basically be starting over like you just got out of college and obtained your first job. You and OW will "shack up" while your wife who has given you over a decade of her life continues to suffer.

 

I hope I am wrong but that is exactly where I see this heading if you do not immediately cut off all contact with this OW. No more excuses.

 

Make a final decision. A real one. And man up already!!!

[dubliner]

 

In fact, I did meet with her briefly today.

 

I told her that trying to end the romantic part with us has been very difficult

 

Unfortunately, I still have not figured how my work situation will be like since I am stuck in two very lucrative projects with her, and I do not want to give that up. So absolute NC is not an option at this time.

 

That 'huge amount of respect' you gaine for your wife?

You still have no respect for her, you're saving your a$$ not working on this as you should, as a team (as in marriage)

It's not all about you.

How can more deceit be part of a respectful loving partnership?

You need to grow up and take a good look at yourself and your attitude towards your W and relationships if you have any chance of saving your M.

[goodyblue]

The OW will push and push until you can no longer resist then you will move out. You will leave your wife to suffer greatly. She will stay in bed for days on end. Anti depressants. You will live Lord knows where and basically be starting over like you just got out of college and obtained your first job. You and OW will "shack up" while your wife who has given you over a decade of her life continues to suffer.

 

I hope I am wrong but that is exactly where I see this heading if you do not immediately cut off all contact with this OW. No more excuses.

 

Make a final decision. A real one. And man up already!!!

 

While I feel this guy is being a first class jerk, I think you take a lot as a given. You may hate to hear this but the financial side of my guy's divorce was barely a blip.

 

He should leave his wife and OW both because he does not appreciate either. He is now touting a passionless marriage as wonderful? Both deserve better. But to act like he will end up in a van down by the river is ridiculous.

[the_artist_1970]

Thank you, I will look into that.

 

My life is living hell right now. Not only am I trying to repair a shattered home, but my AP is not handling NC well.

 

She sent me several texts today demanding to see me today or she would hurt herself. Even told me she would come by our home if I didn't. I told her I was extremely concerned about her threats, and finally relented to seeing her tomorrow. It has only been two days and already she is saying she cant live without me.

 

I have a feeling this is going to get a lot worse.

 

Therein lies the problem with most ppl who are willing to have an A with a married person (not all). They are ONLY concerned with what they want. They will kill themselves just because they can't get what they want. They will stay in the A as long as they are getting what they want. It's all me, me, me and what I want. But of course the M cheater isn't any better. You two deserve each other. Set your W free in order for her to find someone who isn't so careless with her heart.

[ladydesigner]

Thank you, I will look into that.

 

My life is living hell right now. Not only am I trying to repair a shattered home, but my AP is not handling NC well.

 

She sent me several texts today demanding to see me today or she would hurt herself. Even told me she would come by our home if I didn't. I told her I was extremely concerned about her threats, and finally relented to seeing her tomorrow. It has only been two days and already she is saying she cant live without me.

 

I have a feeling this is going to get a lot worse.

 

Just would like to point out that the bold is an even deeper issue your AP has. Sounds a little BORDERLINE to me.

[the_artist_1970]

I'll tell you something else you may not have thought about. When the dust settles, if you make the selfish decision to stay married, you will always know that you will never be the man you once were in your wife's eyes. She may love you enough to work on the marriage and years of openness from you she might begin to try to trust you but she will NEVER respect you the way she will other men she'll begin to notice who have character and integrity.

 

You don't want to look in your wife's eyes for the rest of your life and know that she will never respect you the way she once did. It would always be there.

 

This is not true. I can tell you with hard work and sacrifice he can win his wife's love and respect back. Seven years after my DH affair, I love and respect him more than ever because he/we put in the hard work to recover.

[Tayla]

Thank you everyone for your input. BTW, those who claim that my AP was simply an unwitting victim to my ruses are ABSOLUTELY DELUSIONAL. She is an intelligent and strong woman, and actively pursued me as I pursued her throughout the entire affair.

 

In fact, I did meet with her briefly today. She is still intent on pursuing me. I told her that I am committed to saving my marriage, to which she acknowledged, but said that she'd be there when it falls apart.

 

I told her that trying to end the romantic part with us has been very difficult, but my focus was to save my marriage, and she should learn to move on and not linger in the background ready to strike. It doesn't seem like she is getting the message.

 

Unfortunately, I still have not figured how my work situation will be like since I am stuck in two very lucrative projects with her, and I do not want to give that up. So absolute NC is not an option at this time.

 

Correct its NOT an OPTION, ITS the SOLUTION. Now please stop the mind games with the wife. You failed your first test of authenticity and integrity , by NOT Telling your wife about this recent impromptu meeting with your AP. You might as well call the lawyer in, Because this AP has you snowed and you keep plowing back into her. Love the way you glorify the AP after she manipulated you with her bogus self harm....

 

I consider the wayward spouse and the AP equally accountable. Feel Free to come back when you have demonstrated adult responsibility towards your current wife, for now you are still going behind her back...

[TashaTudor]

So you've had the luxury of playing "eenie meenie miney mo" and after some contemplation and trying other options you've decided, your wife is the better choice. Awe! How sweet!

 

Now maybe you could find a good therapist and ask if there is a cure for cowardice.

[AprilTears]

While I feel this guy is being a first class jerk, I think you take a lot as a given. You may hate to hear this but the financial side of my guy's divorce was barely a blip.

 

He should leave his wife and OW both because he does not appreciate either. He is now touting a passionless marriage as wonderful? Both deserve better. But to act like he will end up in a van down by the river is ridiculous.

 

I don't think I said he would live in a van down by the river. And we aren't talking about "your guy" here.

[Riri90]

I think that if you decided to work on your marriage then your wife should have came with you to your meeting with OW. That would have sent a clear message to OW to back off and that you are serious. Your OW is smiling and giddy because she can easily play you. The whole time you are explaining you want to work on your marriage she is thinking " Yea right :rolleyes:".

[jan2012]

Thank you everyone for your input. BTW, those who claim that my AP was simply an unwitting victim to my ruses are ABSOLUTELY DELUSIONAL. She is an intelligent and strong woman, and actively pursued me as I pursued her throughout the entire affair.

 

In fact, I did meet with her briefly today. She is still intent on pursuing me. I told her that I am committed to saving my marriage, to which she acknowledged, but said that she'd be there when it falls apart.

 

I told her that trying to end the romantic part with us has been very difficult, but my focus was to save my marriage, and she should learn to move on and not linger in the background ready to strike. It doesn't seem like she is getting the message.

 

Unfortunately, I still have not figured how my work situation will be like since I am stuck in two very lucrative projects with her, and I do not want to give that up. So absolute NC is not an option at this time.

 

It isn't over until you end it with her. Engaging with her interpersonally means you have not ended it. The only reason to quit your job is to make it easier for your wife and you to move on. It has nothing to do with the AP. The AP is exactly that, an AP. Once she becomes only a coworker, you will not be thinking about her at all.

 

So actually, you are still in an extramarital relationship. Yet you are speaking of it as thought it had somehow changed because you told her you wanted to work on your marriage.

 

If you were working on your marriage, you wouldn't even care about connecting with her at all. You would tell her to stay the f**k away because she is ruining your life. The implication being, if your wife leaves you, your life is ruined.

[goodyblue]

I don't think I said he would live in a van down by the river. And we aren't talking about "your guy" here.

 

You understood my point. You assume much. Your entire post really just sounded more like what you hope will happen.

[Tayla]

You understood my point. You assume much. Your entire post really just sounded more like what you hope will happen.

 

Goodyblue, I read her commentary and NO where on there does she mention a Van or whatever you keep implying.

 

I think the April person is giving one scenario of many that "could" happen.

 

SO what advisal do you have to give the OP?

[goodyblue]

Goodyblue, I read her commentary and NO where on there does she mention a Van or whatever you keep implying.

 

I think the April person is giving one scenario of many that "could" happen.

 

SO what advisal do you have to give the OP?

 

Lol. Come on. She talked about how OP's life will be a living hell. I won't say more than this : people divorce every day for a plethora of reasons. To act like his life will be ruined emotionally or financially is short sighted. He will recover. April is just mad that my situation worked, and that is ok I guess.

 

And I already gave OP my advice. Leave both. They do not deserve the torment he is providing.

[awkward]

OP - Do you know the number one piece of advice given to OW around here when their MM is still talking to or seeing them (otherwise known as putting them on the back burner or plan B) while trying to work on his marriage?

 

In case you don't, it is tell his wife and then walk away.

 

Your wife didn't leave you on D-Day. Consider yourself lucky. Now if I was you, I would leave work early today and go straight home to your wife. Tell her that you met with your AP. IF the affair didn't kill your marriage, you can guarantee that continuing to lie will be the final nail in the coffin. You should write that down 100x until you get it.

 

Yes it will hurt her. But it will show her that you won't be a lying, cheating, snake anymore. If you can't be honest with your wife even now, knowing how much pain she is in, why bother dragging her through this.

 

Perhaps you should spend some time researching infidelity. Learn what steps you need to take. Learn what your wife is going through. If you want your marriage to survive this, you need to get a grasp really quick. Right now, you are doing everything wrong.

 

As for your OW, hide the bunnies.

[whichwayisup]

No, I didn't mention to my wife.

 

But I plan to keep it business now. In the past, I was infatuated because I thought she'd be an ideal mate. Now I know better, my wife's already the ideal mate.

 

Either you're rewriting your marital history now or you've forgotten how you feel towards your wife pre affair. You love her but aren't in love with her, she's distant from you, you two don't have passion, you two have grown apart. You're unhappy and want out of your marriage. Now, OW doesn't measure up to what you thought she'd be, turns out she has flaws, she's not that perfect soul mate like you once thought she was.

 

Have your feelings and lust for the OW disappeared so quickly? IF so, then you were never 'in love' with her and the affair was meaningless and just about passionate sex. It happens. Maybe her behaviour put you off and the feelings weren't as deep as you believed they were and you found it easy to just let go and now you don't feel "it" for her. It happens. But, again with your wife, those issues and problems that were in the marriage PRE AFFAIR are still there - You just now see your wife in a new light and see that maybe things aren't half as bad as you thought they were, or you're in denial thinking that you can fix this.

 

MAKE a decision and stick to it. Rid of your ego, put your wife first and give your marriage one last shot. OW has to BE OUT OF YOUR LIFE for this to work. Or divorce and be on your own because right now both women are hurting and neither deserve a man who is wavering and could go either way depending on which way the wind is blowing that day.

 

DO TELL your wife about seeing the OW yesterday. If you don't and she finds out, that's another X and nail against any chance of recovery, she'll see you as not wanting to be honest and an open book. She'll see you lying and not trust you at all. Keep in mind the OW could very well show up at your house and talk to your wife, or call her. From what you've said already about her, expect the worst. She is cold, manipulative and doesn't give 2 shi.ts about your wife so she has nothing to lose.

[GollumsNightmare]

My H met with OW after dday to make sure she was ok and to give the A closure. :sick:

 

He finally told me two months later (under duress, he thought she would tell me).:mad:

 

It set back ALL of our Reconciliation we had worked so hard on to that point. The $#!+ REALLY hit the fan. I was far more mad and hurt at that point. Our marriage almost didnt survive it.

 

My advice is to tell her now that you met with the OW.

 

Good luck, man.

[jan2012]

All the drama! What will you do without it! If you cut all of this off, you must be scared of life without the secret meetings and feeling high off of all the attention you have been living off of with your affair partner. : ) Hard lifestyle to break.

 

At some point you are going to be very embarrassed about this whole thing. That all comes later when you realize that when people find out, ( and they all will), that these people will pass judgment on you, they will see how out of control you allow yourself to be. Living such a risky life, with boundary issues... , not willing or able to find your way within the confines of marriage, the same confines we all have to live with, the ups and downs of intimacy, the stresses of children and career goals being met or not...the problem is that people with boundary issues always show the symptoms in more than one area in their lives....so people will say to themselves, 'oh yeah, now that you mention it, he has always had boundary issues.... he has always been a bit immature with regards to impulse control. He always overextended himself financially, he always talked a bit too much, he was hanover eater, he had a drug problem, or he always somehow crossed the line in work related situations... etc etc.

 

Anyway, the sooner you get back to your life with your wife and family, the better for you and everyone you are dragging through it with you. The sooner you can start putting this behind you.

 

You have to ask yourself, 1 year form now where do you want to be? Still stuck in this drama and hot mess you have created? Or do you want to have progressed during that year, to have progressed in your life, your career, your investments and your future?

 

It is really hard to focus on finances, career goals and family when you are spending all you time thinking about this..... actually it is impossible to do any of that when all you can think of is what an awesome ladies man you are....

 

Time lost is time wasted.

 

Good luck to you.

[SleekArchitecture]

All I see is triangulation and the women being boxed and check marked in a Madonna-Whore Complex. One is the saintly Madonna and the other the debased OW.