Cheating means that you don't love your partner the way you're supposed to?

March 10, 2015

You have an interesting perspective. The funny thing is that my wife and I both agree on what happened. But, I guess it always makes it more interesting when you put your own perspective on the story.

March 10, 2015

Road...you are absolutely correct and i don't call it a ons...i call it an affair.

In reality what i did ...what i call it...what john calls it...what you call it...doesn't change what it is or what i did.

It does not minimize it...it is what it is...betrayal.

I cheated on my husband.

March 10, 2015

You have an interesting perspective. The funny thing is that my wife and I both agree on what happened. But, I guess it always makes it more interesting when you put your own perspective on the story.

May good things keep coming to your marriage.

March 10, 2015

May good things keep coming to your marriage.

Thank you very much, I appreciate it!

March 10, 2015

Do not dismiss the male predator so lightly. Most of the men who have replied to this thread still do not understand the basic differences between men and women.

There is a class of men who get their highs from seducing married women. They could care less about single women. Their ultimate is to screw another man's wife.

For you fishermen, have you ever noticed how there are a few people who can catch fish, when everybody else on the lake can't get a bite. It is not luck. It is because they have studied their prey. Just like that fisherman, they have studied their prey and not only know but have practiced all of the right moves.

Like a wolf can tell which is the weakest and the most vulnerable in a herd, they too can pick out the most vulnerable.

Too many people fall back on the word "Choice". Once they have worked their magic, the vulnerable woman does not have a choice.

March 10, 2015

One of the guys my wife cheated with was a ONS. Any other BH's on here who's wife had a ONS? If there are, I'm sure they will agree with me that there is nothing that destroys trust worse than a ONS. I mean, if your WW is such a slut that she'll hook up with any old guy at any old bar - then who the hell is your wife? How can you believe it was just this one time? How many were there in the past? How can you trust her anytime she leave's the house?

Let's not try to judge just what kind of infidelity is "worse" than another kind. Cheating is cheating, betrayal is betrayal - why try to tell someone they don't hurt as much because it wasn't a "real" affair.

March 10, 2015

Too many people fall back on the word "Choice". Once they have worked their magic, the vulnerable woman does not have a choice.

2.50, you're a straight shooter and I normally agree with your thoughts.

But this is like a bad Lifetime movie. Were this true of my spouse, I'd have reservations about being married to someone so weak minded. I've been in the entertainment and service business for decades and have met and worked closely with some dazzlingly beautiful, smart, witty women. Other than the one I married, not one has "worked their magic" on me. Maybe love for your spouse and commitment to marriage is a superpower...

Mr. Lucky

March 10, 2015

Do not dismiss the male predator so lightly. Most of the men who have replied to this thread still do not understand the basic differences between men and women.
There is a class of men who get their highs from seducing married women. They could care less about single women. Their ultimate is to screw another man's wife.
For you fishermen, have you ever noticed how there are a few people who can catch fish, when everybody else on the lake can't get a bite. It is not luck. It is because they have studied their prey. Just like that fisherman, they have studied their prey and not only know but have practiced all of the right moves.
Like a wolf can tell which is the weakest and the most vulnerable in a herd, they too can pick out the most vulnerable.
Too many people fall back on the word "Choice". Once they have worked their magic, the vulnerable woman does not have a choice.

Not so sure about your one-sided gender portrayal. My husband would claim that he was prey, that he was the one hit on and seduced and so what? It doesn't touch my heart one bit, nor would it if it were a woman. Besides, I'm considered a "vulnerable woman" in some ways—easy to trick, gullible, guileless, innocent, generally clueless. It was nothing for my husband to gaslight me into dismissing an 'almost' ONS I accidentally found out about and then never mentioning it again for 30 years or to deny his awareness of other women's attraction to him.

But when it came to inappropriate advances, flirting or sexual innuendos, I ALWAYS knew when my 'inappropriate' radar was buzzing. Always. I've moved away or stopped engaging with many a sympathetic look or word from a good-looking friend or associate. I didn't think twice about it or pat myself on the back nor think I'm so unique either.

Just as the importance of this behavior doesn't warrant exaggerated attention, neither does the behavior you describe deserve the blame for causing an affair.

March 10, 2015

Do not dismiss the male predator so lightly. Most of the men who have replied to this thread still do not understand the basic differences between men and women.
There is a class of men who get their highs from seducing married women. They could care less about single women. Their ultimate is to screw another man's wife.
For you fishermen, have you ever noticed how there are a few people who can catch fish, when everybody else on the lake can't get a bite. It is not luck. It is because they have studied their prey. Just like that fisherman, they have studied their prey and not only know but have practiced all of the right moves.
Like a wolf can tell which is the weakest and the most vulnerable in a herd, they too can pick out the most vulnerable.
Too many people fall back on the word "Choice". Once they have worked their magic, the vulnerable woman does not have a choice.

There are lots of women who act like this as well ( predatory) but that does not for one second mean that the "victim" has no choice in the matter. Unless the person was suffering from some sort of mental illness and was incapable of making decisions, or they were drugged or under the influence of way too much alcohol, at no time did they not have a choice.

It more a case of the "victim" being open to cheating that it is any sort of skill on the part of the "predator".

March 10, 2015

Every person has the "choice" to cheat. Most people have the opportunity at some point in their lives to "cheat".

Sometimes When a person is in the right circumstance, in the right frame of mind, in the right situation, with the right opportunity....they make the "wrong" choice....and "cheat"

Some people set out to cheat....they look for it....and i would venture to say...most likely those people could be serial cheaters.

Some men and women enjoy the hunt, they enjoy taking what does not belong to them, they enjoy conquering and winning. I believe that my om displayed this kind of personality. I still made the ultimate choice to cheat..it is 100% on me. VBM has stated the same kind of circumstance surrounded his wife's affair. The om by his description displayed very similar traits to my om. His wife is 100% responsible for her choice to cheat. Predator? Player? I suppose we could call some folks that....and in the end it really doesn't matter what we call those kind of people that search out married women and men just for the game of destroying a family and taking what does not belong to them....

Is anyone a victim? I dare say everyone who has been touched by infidelity is a victim of some sort. a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action. By definition...even the "cheater" can be a victim....the "crime" was their own choosing...but they suffer none the less.

The undertone of many discussions here many times implies that "cheaters" are bad people. I would argue that we are not bad people..we are infallible people who made terribly bad choices in life. We did evil things...but we are not evil. Sometimes the discussion is centered around the fact that many here seem to believe that "cheaters" are genetic mistakes. I think all of us has been given the freedom of choice....and unfortunately sometimes even good people make really bad choices.

Wives and husbands of cheaters..Betrayed spouses...unfortunately are unfairly punished because of the choices their spouses have made. "cheating" imho...is the ultimate form of betrayal. But there certainly are cheaters who understand the pain they have caused and are willing to help heal their spouse from the wounds they have caused.

IMHO...an affair of any kind is horrific. We sometimes try to pigeon hole and evaluate infidelities and measure them. It is impossible...because infidelities affect each of us differently.

It is like comparing childbirth from woman to woman. How can i possibly say giving birth to my child was more painful than another woman giving birth to her child? We both suffered the same thing...child birth....and none of them is easy...and sometimes the child isn't willing to comply quite so easily and we feel like we take two steps forward and one step back in expelling the child...and it hurts like hell....but how do we measure one childbirth to the next? We can't. And while each childbirth is similar...each is different. Every woman's body is different..yet similar. Even when the same woman...gives birth to each child...each birth is different...because she is not giving birth to the SAME child at the SAME time...under the SAME circumstances.

So infidelity is infidelity...and they all hurt...but each one is different because they involve different people. you can warn others and tell them how your infidelity affected you. You can tell others how you handled the situation....but be mindful that not all of us is equipped to handle infidelity in the same manner.

Sometimes...divorce is the only answer for us. We just cannot possibly deal with the infidelity any other way.

Sometimes ...reconciliation is the answer and sometimes we try but it just doesn't work and divorce becomes the best choice....

and sometimes everything clicks into place and all the hard work pays off and reconciliation is successful.

The question asked here is can the cheater love their BS the way they are supposed to? and my answer would be...they can love their BS...but if they are loving them the way they are supposed to love them...they will not cheat.

March 10, 2015

It doesn't say "can they"

It asks

"Do they"

Of course people are capable of doing many things - but do their actions show that they do?