Tell BH truth of A?

[jbrent890]

3 years old and you think telling him is the right thing to do??

 

Do you have any idea what that means to the little girl??

 

But shouldn't the mother have thought about that before she cheated on her father? That's her problem, her fault, and her f@ck up. Im so sick of hearing this excuse. In fact, I think it is down right sick to hide behind children. If cheaters cared so much about the children's well being, then why put them in that position. This woman knew what she was doing and what was at stake. Sorry I don't think this changes a thing.

[jbrent890]

oh, i totally missed this part.

yeah, the dude totally doesn't want to know.

 

OP... the other posters are right - you should be quiet. i guess i was putting myself in your best friend's shoes - i would want to know. i know the truth won't change anything but... i would definitely want to know.

 

& obviously your friend doesn't.

 

Or maybe he just trusts the fact that his friend wouldn't go that far with his wife. There are people in this world that are that naive and trusting, especially if the wife is saying that nothing happened.

[minimariah]

Or maybe he just trusts the fact that his friend wouldn't go that far with his wife. There are people in this world that are that naive and trusting, especially if the wife is saying that nothing happened.

 

that isn't being naive & trusting - that is called denial, my friend.

 

dude's W cheats and he won't ask for any details? his W cheats on him and he STILL trusts her? on top of everything - he wants to stay friends with the OP? according to the OP's previous posts - dude wanted to leave his W & wasn't treating her well at all so i'm not surprised at the lack of outrage.

[anika99]

Blind trust? With her and I? I only know what she told me she said to him, I know she wasn't being truthful with me sometimes, so who knows. I doubt she told him about anything physical though or he'd have been way more pissed with me.

 

Really I have no idea, the only time I talked to him between him finding out and me telling him we couldn't be friends was around Thanksgiving, he was trying to set me up with her sister. At that time I told him we should wait till he was ready, and give him more time to think. He stated both times he was never mad at me.

 

If this was someone I didn't know and had never spoken to before I could understand not telling him. However, this is someone I had a long history with and do feel he deserves the truth which is why I have been leaning that way.

 

I think you are right on this. In light of the fact that you were this mans best friend for 17 yrs I do think you should have the integrity to face him and tell him the truth. You will never get that friendship back but at least be man enough to tell him why.

 

 

If he decides to take that information and end his marriage that is his right to do. You are also right that using the kid as an excuse to continue playing this deceitful game with this mans life is lame. Lying doesn't protect the child, it just ensures that everyone stays trapped in their lies. Nobody gets a chance to break the status quo and live authentically because everyone is hiding in the lie. The WS and BS don't get to fully reconcile their marriage because this lie will always be in the way. They will never 100% repair their marriage until there is true honesty. If the truth ends the marriage than so be it. Sometimes marriages need to end. I say you owe your ex best friend the truth.

[jbp005]

The only cheating he knew of was maybe the beginnings an EA. I know he trusted me. I think he even stated trusting me still in our final conversation as long as it wasn't with his wife.

 

She told him that we talked a lot about their marriage, we were close friends, and were supporting each other. This led to us starting to have feelings for each other. That's about all I remember of what she said to him. She said he had a panic attack fell to the ground and couldn't breathe, that she was going to tell him more but that happened. I know he's had panic attacks in the past.

 

If you have read my previous posts, since then I came to the conclusion that he might be a narcissist and this is what makes their marriage so difficult. Not trying to validate my actions, but state why their marriage wasn't going well.

 

He had asked me before any of this if I thought she would cheat on him, I didn't think she would. Her father had cheated on her mother which made me think she hated cheaters. However, much after that for months and months I got a vibe from her, and in one moment everything changed.

 

I feel even worse cause I orchestrated it to see if it would happen. Then everything went the way I thought.

 

I know it was weakness, I have been lonely. I was losing weight and starting to feel better about myself again. Not that I'm a bad looking person, but just not very social. Losing such a close friend is really hard, I thought she was going to take his place, but instead I have no one. I really think I need to talk to someone, I feel like I'm getting more depressed as time goes on.

 

I just feel like telling him will permanently close both those doors for me, I need to know there is no chance of being friends with him or ending up with her.

[anika99]

So you were is best friend for 17 yrs and you had no idea he was a narcissist until you and his wife messed around and she filled you in on her sad story. What a coincidence. Narcissism is a personality disorder and you know it takes a woman with a special kind of personality to screw her husband's best friend. Are you sure you're calling the right one a narcissist?

 

 

Again I agree. This has nothing to do with the your friends wife and their marriage. This is about ending your long term friendship with this man by being honest and giving yourself and him a proper closure.

[Dark Passenger]

I'm sure you'll get many different opinions here, but I am usually firmly in the do not tell camp, as I am in your case.

 

I take it you are not only NC with the woman involved, but also with your former friend? What did you say at the time for why you were ending your friendship, if anything?

 

I am confused abut your motivations here, on the one hand you seem to be saying that you feel that you owe him the truth, but the time for that is long gone. I feel like you've missed that train and it's too late to start running after it now.

 

On the other you also admit you want some kind of closure for yourself. (Just FYI I think the concept of closure from someone else is absolute poppycock, real closure comes from within and is more like acceptance.) I don't really understand how you think him knowing that two of the people he trusted most in his life were doing the dirty on him will help. How will humiliating him make him or you feel any better exactly?

 

Finally, from a purely selfish point of view you are trying to move on with your life, and the best way to do that is to put more distance between yourself and the situation, not less. Spilling the beans now will set you right back and will likely erase all the progress you've made in the last two months. You've admitted you are finding it hard and you still have feelings for her. Even if I was to advocate you telling, I'm not sure now would be the right time for you.

 

I like the sound of that but can you expand what you mean? I think it would be helpful for my situation. Thanks in advance.

[jbp005]

So you were is best friend for 17 yrs and you had no idea he was a narcissist until you and his wife messed around and she filled you in on her sad story. What a coincidence. Narcissism is a personality disorder and you know it takes a woman with a special kind of personality to screw her husband's best friend. Are you sure you're calling the right one a narcissist?

 

 

Again I agree. This has nothing to do with the your friends wife and their marriage. This is about ending your long term friendship with this man by being honest and giving yourself and him a proper closure.

 

I never really knew exactly what a narcissist was until I read an article about it, and the tendencies they have. I think I found it on another site similar to this.

[Sassy Girl]

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what your motivations are....even if you do it for the wrong reasons, telling him is the RIGHT thing to do...so do what you think is RIGHT.

 

Rainbow, Im actually surprised how off base you are with this one.

Telling does not destroy the family of a three year old - that was already done with the cheating. Telling the BS only brings it to light.

 

OP, you have 2 choices now - continue to cover up and lie (albeit by omission) and cover for a deceitful wife, or , grow a pair, own your crap and let your friend of 17 YEARS (!!) make some informed decisions about his life. You cannot change the past, but you can decide from this day forward what kind of man you want to be.....A liar and a cheat who covets his best friends wife, or fight to win back some honour and integrity...your choice.

[Rainbowlove]

But shouldn't the mother have thought about that before she cheated on her father? That's her problem, her fault, and her f@ck up. Im so sick of hearing this excuse. In fact, I think it is down right sick to hide behind children. If cheaters cared so much about the children's well being, then why put them in that position. This woman knew what she was doing and what was at stake. Sorry I don't think this changes a thing.

 

Yes, on her...BUT on YOU too.

 

You are thinking of telling your friend for YOUR own reasons.

 

I think it does change things.

 

I'm sure your BFF will thank you for f-ing his wife, costing him thousands in divorce fees, child support and for making him a part-time father who gets to see his daughter every other weekend and holidays.

 

Does this compute to you?

 

You were selfish when you put your di ck in her. You are selfish now.

[Rainbowlove]

 

I feel even worse cause I orchestrated it to see if it would happen. Then everything went the way I thought.

 

I know it was weakness, I have been lonely. I was losing weight and starting to feel better about myself again. Not that I'm a bad looking person, but just not very social. Losing such a close friend is really hard, I thought she was going to take his place, but instead I have no one. I really think I need to talk to someone, I feel like I'm getting more depressed as time goes on.

 

I just feel like telling him will permanently close both those doors for me, I need to know there is no chance of being friends with him or ending up with her.

 

I think you need to really look at your own words here.

 

Again, your reasons for disclosure are all about you. What you need. What you want. How you feel. How you can move on.

 

How many different ways can you spell selfish, self-satisfying, self-centered, self-focused, self-driven, self-gratifying. You are only looking out for you.

 

What do you mean you orchestrated the whole thing? You got a vibe from her? Elaborate on that!!

 

You do need professional help. You needed it before you slept with your "best friend of 17 years" wife.

 

OP, this woman doesn't want you. That bothers you more than anything. It bothers you that he has her and you don't.

 

You were calculated when you entered into the affair (I orchestrated it to see if it would happen), clearly. And your motives are calculated now...not genuine in the least bit.

 

Tell him if it makes you feel better. Tell him if it gives you peace. Tell him if it gives you closure. Be a man, not a coward, and tell him to his face - don't hide behind an email.

Edited March 4, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[jbp005]

You realize jbrent is not the OP? Just wondering since you replied to him like it was my comment.

 

I had been getting these looks from her for months, I can't explain it, nothing was talked about other then just innocent friendly conversation, it just felt like more. Then one weekend we went to his cousins house and I overheard the women talking about who they would sleep with at the table the guys were at, she stared me down, and then whispered. Considering the only other people were an older married man, her husband, and his cousin, I was fairly sure she said me. This was a couple of weeks before my birthday. So I asked my friend if we could celebrate my birthday at his house, which we did. That night I drank quite a bit, and at one point playfully grabbed her side. We were playing games at the dining room table, and she put her leg on mine most of the night. Obviously this confirmed my suspicions, but nothing else happened that night. The next day, I woke up on the couch, my friend had left to pick up their daughter. I asked if it was alright if I laid down in their bed as I was still tired and the couch was uncomfortable. She said it was fine, and later on she came and laid down in bed with me, and it escalated into making out. We texted a lot, and met up that Thursday, we discussed what happened and if we wanted to see where it went. Obviously we chose to pursue an affair. She was much more willing to take it further physically then I was, to me sleeping with her was the final straw. I was very hesitant to take that last step, as I knew my friendship with my best friend could never be recovered after that.

 

I ended things with her, it bothers me I let her go. I was not willing to be deceitful any longer. Like many OW/OM explain, I have never felt this way for someone before. She was the first woman I ever told I love you. I've quit smoking, lost large amounts of weight, this has been the hardest addiction to get through.

 

I do agree I may need professional help, I've been looking into it. I have suffered from depression, low self esteem/confidence, etc. I had been making strides to help improve and better myself; working out, eating right, trying to progress at my job, etc. The affair happened during these times.

 

I have been thinking about everything I've done, I never considered myself to be this kind of person before this happened. I'm not sure how or what they want, I haven't talked to them. How am I supposed to express on here anything else but what I am doing or feeling? I was merely trying to explain how I felt through some of the A. As I said, if done it wouldn't entirely be done just for him, I do realize this.

 

I guess what I really need is professional help, and maybe the true help I need is not here.

[Rainbowlove]

I have been thinking about everything I've done, I never considered myself to be this kind of person before this happened.

 

Most of us never considered ourselves to be that kind of person either. Clearly, you are - as many of us here are too. You are not alone.

 

You have changed your life by having an affair with her, your best friend's wife.

 

You do need counseling big time. You crossed some serious lines and now your dealing with the fallout of that.

 

How you see yourself has changed - and not for the better. You've lost two people you cared about - but that's a done deal, you are never getting either one of them back. Consequence of your choices, I'm sorry.

 

I'm not sure how or what they want, I haven't talked to them. How am I supposed to express on here anything else but what I am doing or feeling? I was merely trying to explain how I felt through some of the A. As I said, if done it wouldn't entirely be done just for him, I do realize this.

 

I guess what I really need is professional help, and maybe the true help I need is not here.

 

Professional help is really a good start for you. Especially if your depression is getting worse.

 

By all means, LS can help you, but only guide you and offer support.

 

If you feel telling him is the right thing, tell him. That's your call - so long as you are being honest about your motivations. I think you need more time to sort through your role in the affair, but that's just my opinion.

 

She's not coming back to you. Even if he leaves her, she's not coming back to you.

 

Accepting it's over is hard. Accepting you are not who you thought you were harder.

 

Finding healing from all of this is possible, but you have a lot of self-work to do to figure out why you crossed those lines.

 

I wish you luck.

[beatcuff]

I..she told him we had feelings for each other, that was a little over 2 months before I ended it. I called him the day after I broke it off, apologized for everything I had done to his marriage...

 

and here's the problem. you already confessed. you left the door open for him to go in (and ask more detailed questions), HE chose not to. he can still call you with follow up questions, HE chose not to.

 

some persons don't need graphic details, some persons don't want to hear it: just because some on this site "need to hear it" does not mean this person (or even most) do.

 

OP either you are looking for absolution: you will not find it, or you are attempting to inject yourself into their lives AGAIN.

 

HE will contact you if he desires, time for you to honor your word (finally) and let it go.

[Mal78]

It's not that I don't have sympathy for you, I do.

 

I'm sorry you chose to sleep with your best friend's wife. That was a major wrong on your part and you have to deal with how that makes you feel, how that has changed your relationship with them and your life.

 

Get a new insurance agent.

 

You have got to find a way to put this behind you. Like most of us here, you are looking at a life sentence. Sorry.

 

If he ever outright asks you, share.

 

If he doesn't, it may be bc he doesn't want to know.

 

Leave them alone. You've done enough damage.

 

BINGO. Do you not find it remotely strange that he didn't ask if those "feelings" were acted apon? Or did he?

[jbp005]

I didn't directly confess to anything. When I talked to him I apologized for anything I may have done to hurt his marriage. I never said anything about what that was or that I had feelings for her, nor did he ask. I'm guessing he believed what his wife told him, something along the lines it was texting and having feelings for each other. Which again, I never admitted to that either. Maybe that is what is bothering me, I haven't really said anything about it at all, just apologized but to me it feels like an empty apology if he doesn't really know what it's for.

[jbrent890]

I didn't directly confess to anything. When I talked to him I apologized for anything I may have done to hurt his marriage. I never said anything about what that was or that I had feelings for her, nor did he ask. I'm guessing he believed what his wife told him, something along the lines it was texting and having feelings for each other. Which again, I never admitted to that either. Maybe that is what is bothering me, I haven't really said anything about it at all, just apologized but to me it feels like an empty apology if he doesn't really know what it's for.

 

And that's the point I think people aren't realizing. His wife probably just said that it harmless texting and that they got a little carried away. IMO she probably did everything in her power to make sure that he didn't suspect anything. Not to mention, the OP didn't really confess, he just said I'm sorry. I will agree with Rainbow though, don't do it if your intention is to use confessing as a means to get her back. Do it because your friend deserves to know the truth. Sit him down and tell him in person, because that is what he deserves.

[jbp005]

And that's the point I think people aren't realizing. His wife probably just said that it harmless texting and that they got a little carried away. IMO she probably did everything in her power to make sure that he didn't suspect anything. Not to mention, the OP didn't really confess, he just said I'm sorry. I will agree with Rainbow though, don't do it if your intention is to use confessing as a means to get her back. Do it because your friend deserves to know the truth. Sit him down and tell him in person, because that is what he deserves.

 

Now the extent of what she told him exactly I really don't know. It caused him to have a panic attack, but maybe just knowing we had feelings for each other was enough to do that. I know she didn't tell him we were in love with each other or that it had been physical. It was enough for him to be extremely suspicious of her afterwards, tracking her phone, watching her a lot more.

 

This definitely wouldn't be some play to get her back. I ended it with her, and as much as it hurts I know that was the right decision. The discussion of telling him was never about getting her back. I'm fairly sure if I told him she wouldn't want anything to do with me, if she doesn't feel that way already. As I've said I would like to be with her, but I know it wouldn't work. It's just hard to get over someone that you feel wasn't at it's natural ending

Edited March 5, 2015 by jbp005

[Ruffian1]

"As I've said I would like to be with her, but I know it wouldn't work."

 

Just curious as to why you know it wouldn't work since you both love each other.

 

 

Also, everyone has narcassistic traits to some degree but are not a true nacassist.

[1040]

If he doesn't, it may be bc he doesn't want to know.

 

This. I bet he has a strong suspicion.

[1040]

I overheard the women talking about who they would sleep with at the table the guys were at..

 

The older I get the more appalled I am at women.

 

They have these nasty conversations about sleeping with other men, reveal innermost secrets about sex in their marriages to each other, when they have bachelorette parties they go INSANE and blow strippers, there are stats that ~10% of babies do not belong biologically to their putative fathers, it just goes on and on.

 

Men are a-holes as well, but IME they seem to have a little more honor. More likely to be thieves than to be sexual freaks.

 

We don't sit around talking about screwing this that or the other woman in our social circles.

 

Gad.

[jbp005]

"As I've said I would like to be with her, but I know it wouldn't work."

 

Just curious as to why you know it wouldn't work since you both love each other.

 

 

Also, everyone has narcassistic traits to some degree but are not a true nacassist.

 

I mean the probability of it working is very low, I don't know for a fact. I have no idea how she feels about me anymore. If it could work it probably wouldn't be soon. Possibly after she was divorced and had PLENTY of time to move on. That is not something I'm looking to holdout hope for, she made her choice, she had plenty of time to leave or admit everything that had been going on.

 

I will admit about a week after I ended it I wrote an email telling her how much I cared for her, but that I couldn't be in a relationship with her while she was married that I couldn't handle it. I'd been drinking much more since it began, and still have been though I'm trying to quit now.

 

You are right, I'm sure I do. Quite a bit of it really struck a cord with me, this is someone I knew very well.

[Sassy Girl]

The older I get the more appalled I am at women.

 

They have these nasty conversations about sleeping with other men, reveal innermost secrets about sex in their marriages to each other, when they have bachelorette parties they go INSANE and blow strippers, there are stats that ~10% of babies do not belong biologically to their putative fathers, it just goes on and on.

 

Men are a-holes as well, but IME they seem to have a little more honor. More likely to be thieves than to be sexual freaks.

 

We don't sit around talking about screwing this that or the other woman in our social circles.

 

Gad.

You're off base here

 

Adult dating sites are FILLED. With married men trying to cheat ANS bragging about their conquests.

Proportionately more than women. The stats don't support your argument.

 

You just don't like women.

[minimariah]

We don't sit around talking about screwing this that or the other woman in our social circles.

 

i laughed.

[1040]

You just don't like women.

 

I love women. Specifically one for 32 years and going.