Both Married, Had Emotional/Physical Affair.. Can I save the Affair?

[itiswhatitisright]

the question is - does she even want you as a lover anymore?

does she even want you in her life, period?

 

That's a great question. She was always concerned that the A would ultimately ruin our friendship, which was quickly established and very strong from day one because there was extreme mutual attraction there.

 

I think she would like nothing more to keep me in her life, he she could just feel less threatened by my emotional turmoil/love/crap.

 

This is just speculation because we are currently in no contact.

[itiswhatitisright]

also, is this your AP's first A?

 

She had a one off night with another guy once, but that quickly ended and I 100% believe her. There isn't any doubt in my mind about that. He has since gotten married, has a newborn, and so forth. When we would speak she was very open about what they did, why it happened, how it ended, and how she regrets it. They had nowhere near the kind of deal we had.

[autumnnight]

Are you the type of person who thinks keeping promises, being honest, and staying true to vows is important? Do you love yourself more than you care about what this OW is asking you for - which is freedom from you?

[itiswhatitisright]

Another piece of this puzzle is that the AP says that love always fades. I disagree with this. I think true love only grows. Based on everything I know, her H is more of a room mate now than someone she is "in love" with. Thus the A. That lends to the idea of "I don't want to risk what I have on a possibility" because she operates as if love always fades so what is the point. I am sure this is probably b.s. I dunno. Clearly I am confused.

 

As for the fog. Sure. I am in the fog. The only problem here is that I was never happily married. It was a marriage of convenience so my child could come to America and I told myself I was going to do the "right" thing and man up and all that but it was all just a big fail in the long run so I don't associate "the fog" with my perception of my marriage. They are mutually exclusive as the marriage was always bad regardless of the A. The A was my attempt to remain in the marriage. It just kind of happened.

[autumnnight]

It's just strange to hear someone in the infidelity section be so glib about betraying and deceiving and committing adultery and continue to ask for advice about how to get the woman to keep cheating on her husband.

 

How do you FEEL about your behavior?

[Ralph79]

A few questions:

 

1. Who's idea was it to have a child to expedite the immigration process when you were overseas?

 

2. Who was the one that benefited from the immigration process?

 

3. Why would you describe having a child as a necessary evil, and what was it you were trying to man up to, when you decided to stay in the marriage?

 

4. Do you feel that you sacrificed 7 years of your life in your marriage?

 

5. Don't you feel you are repeating the whole sacrificing process all over again by being willing to be with someone on their terms? Even if it means being the OM ?

[HereNorThere]

The problem is that you don't seem to know your place in this relationship. See, you're a side-piece. Good for some fun and excitement, but if you start complicating her life, you're going to get the boot.

 

Since you don't care about your wife, you should divorce her regardless. No one wants you bringing home STDs and what not. Just nix that right there.

 

As far as your obsession, dude, she's married and doesn't like you enough to marry you. She was in it for the fun, but if you get in the way of her fun, it's over. She's admittedly a serial cheater, so in actuality, your only successful way to have a relationship with her is to be her side-piece.

 

Look at this way, you can either be her guy on the side or at the very best, her main guy while she has another guy on the side. This woman doesn't do monogamy. She'll always cheat because that's just who she is. And don't think you can believe a word she says. She's not a special snowflake; she's a tramp.

[itiswhatitisright]

A few questions:

 

1. Who's idea was it to have a child to expedite the immigration process when you were overseas?

 

2. Who was the one that benefited from the immigration process?

 

3. Why would you describe having a child as a necessary evil, and what was it you were trying to man up to, when you decided to stay in the marriage?

 

4. Do you feel that you sacrificed 7 years of your life in your marriage?

 

5. Don't you feel you are repeating the whole sacrificing process all over again by being willing to be with someone on their terms? Even if it means being the OM ?

 

1. The child was an accident. I was overseas and well.. accidents happen.

2. The W benefited from the immigration process. All it did was cost me an enormous amount of money.

3. Having the child was an accident. I didn't want the child aborted because I don't really want that I guess. Im all for pro-choice. My choice was to have the child. I thought maybe we could make it work.

4. Yes

5. Good question.. I don't know. I hadn't thought about it in those terms. I guess it is a sacrifice. I believe i feel like I may never meet anyone that makes me feel this way again. There in lies the crux.

[Cali408]

Dude you are so naive. Love doesn't fade, it changes.

 

You have brain chemistry which is like getting addicted to crack and you need your fix.

 

What you thing you're the first person this has happened to? A lot of us have been there. You can't wait to speak or see them. The sex is out of this world. Most beautiful person you ever laid eyes on. God made this damsel in distress just for you to save and ride off into the sunset. You'll be so happy!

 

Put your divorce aside here because i think you're done with your marriage and let's focus on your affair.

 

SHE WANTS YOU WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT. You being single is not a convenience it's a complication to her. Yeah, she was feeling the same as you, but now there's a chance she'll get caught and she's losing interest.

 

For your own sake, go dark. Meaning, delete your facebook account and any other possible online presence where you aren't anonymous. You're getting divorced anyway, you don't want to give your wife any ammunition either.

 

Second, change your number and email. You're obsessed and fulled with limerance. Bad Bad combination.

 

Third, don't contact her or cyber stalk her. Accept the fact that it's over and hopeless.

[itiswhatitisright]

It's just strange to hear someone in the infidelity section be so glib about betraying and deceiving and committing adultery and continue to ask for advice about how to get the woman to keep cheating on her husband.

 

How do you FEEL about your behavior?

 

Am I proud of it? Not really. However the absurd amount of personal sacrifice I've made over the years (intellectually, emotionally, financially, time-wise) and and my recognition that it was always a losing battle I guess has made me cold in regards to my own behavior specific to this A. This is the first time I have felt alive in almost a decade. Sorry-but that's a nice feeling.

[itiswhatitisright]

Are you the type of person who thinks keeping promises, being honest, and staying true to vows is important? Do you love yourself more than you care about what this OW is asking you for - which is freedom from you?

 

 

I generally think honesty, vows, and promises are important, which is exactly why I am getting a divorce because I don't wish to continue betraying those values, however, the heart wants what the heart wants, and in this case the heart was stronger than the brain. Maybe I don't love myself. I guess that is an opportunity.

 

As for her freedom. I have given it to her. Several times. She always comes back. This is the first time I feel like she may not come back.

[HereNorThere]

This is the first time I have felt alive in almost a decade. Sorry-but that's a nice feeling.

 

 

Sorry, but that's on you. Sad that it takes hurting a plethora of people, destroying two families, exposing people to STDs and becoming obsessed with a married woman who isn't even all that into you for you to feel alive.

 

Maybe you should have tried skydiving or something. At least then you wouldn't be destroying everything and everyone around you for some stupid crush.

[harrybrown]

You are getting divorced.

 

have you told your wife about your A?

 

If you do, she could tell the OW's H all about the A.

 

Then perhaps your AP could get divorced.

 

She would be free to have another A with you.

 

But there will be several hurt people, but at least they will know the truth.

[Mr. Lucky]

I generally think honesty, vows, and promises are important, which is exactly why I am getting a divorce because I don't wish to continue betraying those values

 

If you got your wish and your AP would commit to you, wouldn't you have concerns about being with someone who's cheated on her husband not once, but twice ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[itiswhatitisright]

If you got your wish and your AP would commit to you, wouldn't you have concerns about being with someone who's cheated on her husband not once, but twice ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Not really because we would have an open polyamourous relationship. There would be no reason. I don't particularly want a monogamous relationship. I would much rather have the openness in a marriage to do what we want. The AP feels the same way. She likes girls also.

[itiswhatitisright]

You are getting divorced.

have you told your wife about your A?

If you do, she could tell the OW's H all about the A.

Then perhaps your AP could get divorced.

She would be free to have another A with you.

But there will be several hurt people, but at least they will know the truth.

 

That's too underhanded for me. I see no reason to hurt the W with this. I also can't get behind destroying the APs relationship. I know what you're going to say, I've been working on that all along.. but we agreed to keep this to ourselves and I intend to do that, regardless of what ultimately happens.

[Mr. Lucky]

Not really because we would have an open polyamourous relationship. There would be no reason. I don't particularly want a monogamous relationship. I would much rather have the openness in a marriage to do what we want. The AP feels the same way. She likes girls also.

 

Wow. Have you ever discussed this possibility with your wife?

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

Not really because we would have an open polyamourous relationship. There would be no reason. I don't particularly want a monogamous relationship. I would much rather have the openness in a marriage to do what we want. The AP feels the same way. She likes girls also.

 

That's not a marriage. That's two people with some kind of emotional dependency on each other screwing around unless/until they find something better.

 

And your former AP is already in an open marriage. She just hasn't informed her poor sap of a husband.

[HereNorThere]

Not really because we would have an open polyamourous relationship. There would be no reason. I don't particularly want a monogamous relationship. I would much rather have the openness in a marriage to do what we want. The AP feels the same way. She likes girls also.

 

 

Everyone thinks they can handle an open relationship until they see some other big, burly guy on top of their wife making her moan and scream louder than you can.

[CarrieT]

I'm confused.

 

If you are both in open relationships, what rationale does she give for not being able to continue playing around with you?

 

I was in an open marriage and I'm not sure how this went to having "an affair" (most poly relationship don't use those terms because the sex with others is out in the open).

[Mr. Lucky]

And your former AP is already in an open marriage. She just hasn't informed her poor sap of a husband.

 

Had the same thought, applies to the OP's wife also. One of the many ironies...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

Not really because we would have an open polyamourous relationship. There would be no reason. I don't particularly want a monogamous relationship. I would much rather have the openness in a marriage to do what we want. The AP feels the same way. She likes girls also.

 

Would your other partners in this poly relationship know what they were in for? Or, like your wife, would they be on a need-to-know basis?

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladydesigner]

I generally think honesty, vows, and promises are important, which is exactly why I am getting a divorce because I don't wish to continue betraying those values, however, the heart wants what the heart wants, and in this case the heart was stronger than the brain. Maybe I don't love myself. I guess that is an opportunity.

 

As for her freedom. I have given it to her. Several times. She always comes back. This is the first time I feel like she may not come back.

 

I would probably agree with the bold.

[spanz1]

 

First, are you sure you really want a divorce? Perceptions are changed when having an affair. Sex chemically bonds us to our partners which inhibits bonding with others. Once the effects of the affair wear off you might be more willing to work on making your marriage better. Is there a way you could delay any filings until you've been out of the affair and NC for at least a few months?

.

 

 

yes this is called Plan B. your wife is your backup plan for it you go to the affair partner, say you want to marry them, and they dump you. what is turnabout here....is usually the Husband is the plan B to come back to...in your case it is your wife.

 

 

IF your wife is smart, though, she will realize she is plan B and not fall for it.

 

 

I am surprised you did not discuss this with your affair partner before you asked your wife for a divorce. you must really be in the affair fog to have done that!

[MJJean]

yes this is called Plan B. your wife is your backup plan for it you go to the affair partner, say you want to marry them, and they dump you. what is turnabout here....is usually the Husband is the plan B to come back to...in your case it is your wife.

 

 

IF your wife is smart, though, she will realize she is plan B and not fall for it.

 

 

I am surprised you did not discuss this with your affair partner before you asked your wife for a divorce. you must really be in the affair fog to have done that!

 

I'm not saying she would be Plan B. She's his wife. He met her, felt something for her, had sex with her, made a baby with her, married her, stayed married to her. There is a history and a bond there. They married, which makes her Plan A.

 

The problem is that he's been involved with this other woman and is in the fog. It's entirely possible he's remembering feelings and events through the revisionist history fog lens. Without the fog, seeing and remembering clearly again, he might find in his wife whatever it was he found in her years ago and during the years together since. He might remember his feelings and the marriage quite differently than he is right now.