My ex started crying when I told her I love you

[Jonp219]

If i was her I would leave me too lol. I'm not trying to put myself down, but come on, who's going to put up with that forever?

[Jonp219]

Jon, you’ve been asking the same question every post/thread you make about whether or not there’s a chance for you guys to be together again. No one knows, not you or even her knows. That is why many people have told you to treat it like there is no chance, at least for now.

 

 

You still are longing for her even though it’s not good for you right now. She doesn’t want to be with you, not now anyways. And certainly not the way you are now, you need to improve yourself and be happy with yourself. As hard as it is you need to forget her for now and get over her.

 

 

Posting here asking the same question over and over isn’t going to make you feel better, it’ll just make you feel miserable in the end. So please focus on yourself and get over her.

 

I know, I'm sorry

 

I just didn't get my full story out I just wanted everyone to see a more in depth look at my story. Sorry if I sound like a broken record. Although, I feel things have gotten better this all still hard for me.

[SycamoreCircle]

Oh I see, but I don't think this is the same situation. She hangs with her coworkers in a group, most of them are girls. Plus the guys at her job are a little too young and immature for her (I know her, there are just some people she wouldn't deal with). I'm insecure and angry by default, since she wanted more space to hang out the with friends (because she rarely does) I guess she just got fed up with me smothering her. She was upset on Valentines day, and everyday after that she just posts about how conflicting her feelings have been. I stopped checking since I'm on NC now. Plus she cold and distant after the break up not during. Something's are better left unsaid, if she is then I wouldn't know at the moment, but I Hope we can mend things in the future.

I'm not going to debate this with you. None of the reasons you've listed here cause me to think any different. The whole reason I wanted to press upon you the cheating aspect was so that you would see that it really is over. In the future, the two of you may be able to reconnect on friendly terms but women rarely resume relationships that they terminate. It doesn't sound like she's interested in talking to you or hashing things out. Therefore, it's in your best interest to begin emotionally disconnecting from this thing. That is done by implementing strict NC.

 

As for your anger and insecurity issues, I wish you luck. You may find it helpful to keep reading people's stories on this forum. It can serve as an education. And in a lot of cases, it can serve as a mirror.

[Jonp219]

I'm not going to debate this with you. None of the reasons you've listed here cause me to think any different. The whole reason I wanted to press upon you the cheating aspect was so that you would see that it really is over. In the future, the two of you may be able to reconnect on friendly terms but women rarely resume relationships that they terminate. It doesn't sound like she's interested in talking to you or hashing things out. Therefore, it's in your best interest to begin emotionally disconnecting from this thing. That is done by implementing strict NC.

 

As for your anger and insecurity issues, I wish you luck. You may find it helpful to keep reading people's stories on this forum. It can serve as an education. And in a lot of cases, it can serve as a mirror.

 

You can't apply all these reasons to everyone though. Me and her were fine until this happened. A lot of my friends have had break ups with their girls and didn't hash things out till months down the line. I honestly feel she was just feeling smothered and needs some space, but I will treat it like it's over. Plus her best friend did this once to her boyfriend because of the same reasons. They took time off from each other, she didn't see other people, then months later they worked it out. Everyone is different, idk what's going to happen. I blocked her from Twitter, but when use to check up on her she doesn't mention anything of that nature. Most of it is about us, and me.

 

I will be on strict NC from here on out to try and heal myself. However, thank you for the insight bro I appreciate it.

[ZiggyZoo]

I firmly believe the subconscious knows before the conscious.

 

You became very angry over something you felt. There was a reason behind it. Your girlfriend cheated on you. She had an emotional affair which led to a physical affair.

 

I don't think you need to be in therapy. I think you need to accept that, for whatever reason, most likely emotional immaturity, the relationship ran its course.

 

Continue NC. Real NC. Grieve. Heal. Move on.

 

I respectfully disagree with all of this (except the NC bit). I think, given your past with growing up in a verbally abusive home, being bullied, and having anger issues of your own, you absolutely DO need therapy. It can only serve to help you with these pre-existing issues, but also with coming to terms with the ending of this relationship.

 

My take on why she left? I think when she got out with her new job and met some new people (not just guys), it helped her realize that there was a life beyond your relationship. Because, no offense, it doesn't sound like a very fun one for her to be in. I know that I myself have left a relationship when I started school, just because I too realized that I didn'thave to stay where I was. I don't think she necessarily cheated on you, but you never know...

 

As far as whether or not you guys have a chance? Who knows? I know that's not what you want to hear, you would like a more concrete answer. But keep making steps to understand and work through your anger issues first. That's going to be necessary for ANY relationship you're in, with her or not. Concentrate on you and let whatever will happen, happen

[Elsa281]

Sorry you have to go through this... I know what it feels like..

I think naturally, right after the breakup the dumper usually tries to justify the breakup for themselves. The more unsure they are, the more they hold on to the bad stuff. As time goes by, the good memories are kicking in, it is inevitable.

As a former dumper (in my past relationship, now I am the dumped) I can tell you that it is very hard, and for a period of time it gets harder and harder until you heal, but you will always have doubt's in your heart if you did the right thing.

Go N/C for awhile, give yourself and her some time and space, and there us a chance she'll regret it and try to contact you again. Hopefully you'll move on till that happen, and find an amazing girl who would be smiling when you'll tell her you love her...

Go

[xinaxxsdertf]

Sorry you have to go through this... I know what it feels like..

I think naturally, right after the breakup the dumper usually tries to justify the breakup for themselves. The more unsure they are, the more they hold on to the bad stuff. As time goes by, the good memories are kicking in, it is inevitable.

As a former dumper (in my past relationship, now I am the dumped) I can tell you that it is very hard, and for a period of time it gets harder and harder until you heal, but you will always have doubt's in your heart if you did the right thing.

Go N/C for awhile, give yourself and her some time and space, and there us a chance she'll regret it and try to contact you again. Hopefully you'll move on till that happen, and find an amazing girl who would be smiling when you'll tell her you love her...

Go

 

its good to see it from a dumpers point of view for once! thanks for the insight

[bathtub-row]

Just from what I can gather by what you're saying, I think I can pinpoint several problems here. Let me know if I'm off-base on these, because I'm really just making assumptions.

 

First of all, I think if you're her first love, then you both may have started out too young and have changed in those 4 yrs, and have had no experience with other relationships. Secondly, breaking up several times in 4 yrs is a REALLY bad sign. You talk about it like it's nothing but I'm here to tell you that it's a very big deal and this has "tumultuous relationship" and "high drama" written all over it. Third, I don't think her going out with co-workers, which partly consisted of guys, is that big of a deal. And I don't think it was a big deal to you, either. I think what became a big deal is that you felt like she was blowing you off, and it seemed to coincide with that event. That would be a big deal to anyone. I think she actually was blowing you off because she is worn down from the issues that have probably been going on for some years. You felt the control slipping from your hands and all hell broke loose. She's tired, you're pissed.

 

Those are just my thoughts and guesses. I know you think that being with her is the only thing that matters, and I totally get that. When we love someone, that's usually it. That's the only person we can imagine ourselves with. I don't know your age but I'm guessing that you have many, many, many more years ahead of you and what you think is so gigantically big now, will not be that way in 10 or 15 yrs. Not to say that love isn't important and all that but if this relationship is really wrong for the two of you, you will admit that one day and kind of laugh at yourself for thinking that no one else could fit the bill better than her.

 

From where I'm standing, I don't think the two of you are compatible. That may have to do with your anger issues, as you describe them, but I'm not certain as to the severity of that. Of course, calling someone names is a no-no and you should remove that response from your playbook immediately and never do it again. It's far too damaging. It's like couples who constantly threaten one another with leaving. Eventually that threat weighs too heavy on the relationship and it will fall apart. Chipping away at love through consistent anger, making someone feel like they're walking on eggshells, and name-calling is not a smart move by any definition. This is not to say that we don't all get angry at times. But normal people don't often say things that they can't take back, or that create severe damage for years to come. And while we all will get angry at times, and it can be a healthy response to something that threatens our boundaries, it becomes a problem when it's so consistent that you create the feeling that she described -- like walking on eggshells. Very bad news.

 

If you can get your act together, there actually is a good chance that the two of you could get together back again. This is not something you need to consume yourself with at this time because it simply will not work in the here and now. You need to focus on getting your act together. Believe it or not, silence is a very powerful thing. You leaving her alone and respecting her will speak volumes. You have no control over what she does in the meantime and that's the best lesson you will ever learn -- that you do not control her or anyone else. Not only that, you need to get out of the mind-set of even wanting to control anyone. Fix yourself, contact her again in about 3 mos and see where things are. Real love does not die away overnight and you need to content yourself with that for now.

[Jonp219]

Just from what I can gather by what you're saying, I think I can pinpoint several problems here. Let me know if I'm off-base on these, because I'm really just making assumptions.

 

First of all, I think if you're her first love, then you both may have started out too young and have changed in those 4 yrs, and have had no experience with other relationships. Secondly, breaking up several times in 4 yrs is a REALLY bad sign. You talk about it like it's nothing but I'm here to tell you that it's a very big deal and this has "tumultuous relationship" and "high drama" written all over it. Third, I don't think her going out with co-workers, which partly consisted of guys, is that big of a deal. And I don't think it was a big deal to you, either. I think what became a big deal is that you felt like she was blowing you off, and it seemed to coincide with that event. That would be a big deal to anyone. I think she actually was blowing you off because she is worn down from the issues that have probably been going on for some years. You felt the control slipping from your hands and all hell broke loose. She's tired, you're pissed.

 

Those are just my thoughts and guesses. I know you think that being with her is the only thing that matters, and I totally get that. When we love someone, that's usually it. That's the only person we can imagine ourselves with. I don't know your age but I'm guessing that you have many, many, many more years ahead of you and what you think is so gigantically big now, will not be that way in 10 or 15 yrs. Not to say that love isn't important and all that but if this relationship is really wrong for the two of you, you will admit that one day and kind of laugh at yourself for thinking that no one else could fit the bill better than her.

 

From where I'm standing, I don't think the two of you are compatible. That may have to do with your anger issues, as you describe them, but I'm not certain as to the severity of that. Of course, calling someone names is a no-no and you should remove that response from your playbook immediately and never do it again. It's far too damaging. It's like couples who constantly threaten one another with leaving. Eventually that threat weighs too heavy on the relationship and it will fall apart. Chipping away at love through consistent anger, making someone feel like they're walking on eggshells, and name-calling is not a smart move by any definition. This is not to say that we don't all get angry at times. But normal people don't often say things that they can't take back, or that create severe damage for years to come. And while we all will get angry at times, and it can be a healthy response to something that threatens our boundaries, it becomes a problem when it's so consistent that you create the feeling that she described -- like walking on eggshells. Very bad news.

 

If you can get your act together, there actually is a good chance that the two of you could get together back again. This is not something you need to consume yourself with at this time because it simply will not work in the here and now. You need to focus on getting your act together. Believe it or not, silence is a very powerful thing. You leaving her alone and respecting her will speak volumes. You have no control over what she does in the meantime and that's the best lesson you will ever learn -- that you do not control her or anyone else. Not only that, you need to get out of the mind-set of even wanting to control anyone. Fix yourself, contact her again in about 3 mos and see where things are. Real love does not die away overnight and you need to content yourself with that for now.

 

Yes, I just turned 25 and she will be 23 this year (I was 21 and she was 18 when we met). I would say we've had about 4 legitimate break-ups in 4 years, maybe a little more. But we've never had an actual break-up where one finally says, "That's it, it's over". And I do think you're onto something with that whole control thing. I spoke about this during therapy today and my group leader was very receptive about what I had to say, and she said it's definitely a possibility.

 

Sometimes I feel the same way (about not being compatible), but I just want to be with her. It's strange, I can't see myself with anyone else. She gives me some level of comfort. You see, we've stayed at hotels for days (3-4 days at times) and we RARELY ever fight, and if we do it's a healthy argument where we don't bite each others heads off. In addition, we went through similar struggles in our youth, we both were bullied in school when we were younger, we grew up in the same neighborhood, and we both come from dysfunctional families. When we have intimate discussion those relations bring us closer together. We both have amazing sexual chemistry, love learning new things with one another, and love dogs. Maybe it is my anger issues, but that remains to be seen.

 

I really hope she knows I'm respecting her space. I just want her to clear her mind and start thinking about the reasons we were together in the first place. It was hard not having control for first few weeks, but now I'm learning to accept it, the anxiety isn't as bad. For now I will focus on me and trying to get over her, right now it's too scary to think about how that first interaction between us will be in a few months. That's why I have to stay NC and treat it as an actual break-up (because it is).

 

I really respect the insight you've given me through out all this. It has really helped me alot. Thank you.

[Jonp219]

Sorry you have to go through this... I know what it feels like..

I think naturally, right after the breakup the dumper usually tries to justify the breakup for themselves. The more unsure they are, the more they hold on to the bad stuff. As time goes by, the good memories are kicking in, it is inevitable.

As a former dumper (in my past relationship, now I am the dumped) I can tell you that it is very hard, and for a period of time it gets harder and harder until you heal, but you will always have doubt's in your heart if you did the right thing.

Go N/C for awhile, give yourself and her some time and space, and there us a chance she'll regret it and try to contact you again. Hopefully you'll move on till that happen, and find an amazing girl who would be smiling when you'll tell her you love her...

Go

 

Thank you for responding

 

I just don't believe that means she will contact me. I've heard from dumpers in other forums that you do get those feelings but you don't necessarily get the urge to contact them or get back together with them. She might feel that way but she probably won't contact me, or just move on.

All the NC people in here tell me to never break NC EVER unless they contact you first, and it has to be a, "I want to get back together" text, and nothing else.

NC conflicts me a little, but I can understand the heal aspect of it all.

[mightycpa]

All the NC people in here tell me to never break NC EVER unless they contact you first, and it has to be a, "I want to get back together" text, and nothing else.

NC conflicts me a little, but I can understand the heal aspect of it all.

Well, strictly speaking, NC is only necessary until you don't care anymore. In my experience, there are two ways that this happens.

 

One, you wake up one day and the world is different. You're not in love with that person anymore, and there is zero doubt about it. You know with every fiber of your being that it is over for you.

 

Two, it's a slow fade until it is completely off your mind. You won't even think contacting her because you've forgotten, not in the sense that you can't remember, but in the sense that you simply don't. You might meet someone new, fall in love, maybe more than once, and you never give it a second thought. But one day, when you see her, you notice your heart jumps and while you don't feel the same, you still don't feel comfortable. But as soon as she's gone, things are OK again. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

In the first case, you'll feel no need to break NC. In the second, you'll notice that you feel uncomfortable near her, and that your life feels better with her out of it. In that case, getting in touch will be the last thing you want to do. One way or another, you'll get used to it.

[Jonp219]

Well, strictly speaking, NC is only necessary until you don't care anymore. In my experience, there are two ways that this happens.

 

One, you wake up one day and the world is different. You're not in love with that person anymore, and there is zero doubt about it. You know with every fiber of your being that it is over for you.

 

Two, it's a slow fade until it is completely off your mind. You won't even think contacting her because you've forgotten, not in the sense that you can't remember, but in the sense that you simply don't. You might meet someone new, fall in love, maybe more than once, and you never give it a second thought. But one day, when you see her, you notice your heart jumps and while you don't feel the same, you still don't feel comfortable. But as soon as she's gone, things are OK again. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

In the first case, you'll feel no need to break NC. In the second, you'll notice that you feel uncomfortable near her, and that your life feels better with her out of it. In that case, getting in touch will be the last thing you want to do. One way or another, you'll get used to it.

 

I think it all depends on how receptive she is of me.

I don't see myself falling in love with anyone in the next few months, she's still going to be in mind. I can't see myself with anyone else, I just don't want anyone else. Love is a unique experience, I'll never have an experience like this one. Even if it's "better" I probably still wouldn't want it.

[BlueIris]

Me and my ex broke up on the 6th of February, so for the first time in 2 weeks we had a discussion (I was trying to reconcile) on Saturday, I accidentally told her I still love her and she started sobbing. She only seems to remember all the bad stuff in the relationship at the moment, nothing good. I tried bring up good moments but she would just tell me, "Stop, stop, I appreciated it, but that's not fair". It's so weird, I wish we could just sit down and talk like people but she doesn't even want to do that she said if she see's me feeling might start "rushing back". She was acting so cold and distant with me.

 

I haven't spoken to her since im just going to go NC and work on myself. Today I saw her Twitter page (went to unfollow her) and she's still angry at me and she says her feeling are conflicting. Idk what's going through her head, I'm just going to give her her space.

 

What do you all think?

 

Some people cry when they're emotional, whether it's positive or negative emotions. I know folks who cry in movies and I cry during the Olympics.

[Jonp219]

Some people cry when they're emotional, whether it's positive or negative emotions. I know folks who cry in movies and I cry during the Olympics.

 

She's not a crier

[BlueIris]

She's not a crier

 

Maybe she just cries at the end of relationships, and does so at the end of all relationships. Some people cry only in private. One never knows.

[Jonp219]

Maybe she just cries at the end of relationships, and does so at the end of all relationships. Some people cry only in private. One never knows.

 

I guess lol

 

I'm just trying to find a glimpse of hope. That is all. Silly me.

[regine_phalange]

Me and my ex broke up on the 6th of February, so for the first time in 2 weeks we had a discussion (I was trying to reconcile) on Saturday, I accidentally told her I still love her and she started sobbing. She only seems to remember all the bad stuff in the relationship at the moment, nothing good. I tried bring up good moments but she would just tell me, "Stop, stop, I appreciated it, but that's not fair". It's so weird, I wish we could just sit down and talk like people but she doesn't even want to do that she said if she see's me feeling might start "rushing back". She was acting so cold and distant with me.

 

I haven't spoken to her since im just going to go NC and work on myself. Today I saw her Twitter page (went to unfollow her) and she's still angry at me and she says her feeling are conflicting. Idk what's going through her head, I'm just going to give her her space.

 

What do you all think?

 

I've been in your ex girlfriend's shoes (this situation reminded me the situation with one of my ex boyfriends). She loves you but knows you are not a good match for her. NC is good for both of you, kept forever I guess.

[quattrob]

I guess lol

 

I'm just trying to find a glimpse of hope. That is all. Silly me.

 

It is silly, now is not the time for that.

[Jonp219]

I've been in your ex girlfriend's shoes (this situation reminded me the situation with one of my ex boyfriends). She loves you but knows you are not a good match for her. NC is good for both of you, kept forever I guess.

 

Most likely due to my anger insecurity issues

[regine_phalange]

Most likely due to my anger insecurity issues

 

If you really love her then let her go once and for all. I know it's hard but she'll appreciate it, believe me. It's like a last good impression, respecting her vulnerability and need to be apart from you and putting this need above your own need to have her around.

[Jonp219]

If you really love her then let her go once and for all. I know it's hard but she'll appreciate it, believe me. It's like a last good impression, respecting her vulnerability and need to be apart from you and putting this need above your own need to have her around.

 

I'm currently in therapy. I'm not going to be better over night, but I am getting better. I've been doing a lot of mental exercises, meditation, and just talking to people.

[Elsa281]

Thank you for responding

 

I just don't believe that means she will contact me. I've heard from dumpers in other forums that you do get those feelings but you don't necessarily get the urge to contact them or get back together with them. She might feel that way but she probably won't contact me, or just move on.

All the NC people in here tell me to never break NC EVER unless they contact you first, and it has to be a, "I want to get back together" text, and nothing else.

NC conflicts me a little, but I can understand the heal aspect of it all.

 

I think that if she contact you after some time has passed "just to say hi" you can answer. Most people won't write to you straight away that they want you back, because even the dumper is afraid of rejection. If she will regret it, she will probably try and see if you still care. I think those NC rules are waaaay too strict.

I am not into playing games, but I think you shouldn't contact her. It will be better for your healing process to keep your distance and also because you should want to be with someone that wants you back enough to try and fix their own mistakes...

I am in a similar situation, and my ex did contact me on several occasions, and I replied very concisely. Maybe it's not the right way to handle it, but I don't think completely ignoring him would have made the difference. If anything, I think he wouldn't contact me anymore... Ever...

I don't think there is right or wrong here. From my experience, when I did many "mistakes" (stayed friends with an ex after 2 months of limited contact in which I did replied to his messages in a very warm and friendly way, including nicknames,, and then initiating the reconciliation), we got back together. The so-called "rules" doesn't apply to everyone...

[Jonp219]

I think that if she contact you after some time has passed "just to say hi" you can answer. Most people won't write to you straight away that they want you back, because even the dumper is afraid of rejection. If she will regret it, she will probably try and see if you still care. I think those NC rules are waaaay too strict.

I am not into playing games, but I think you shouldn't contact her. It will be better for your healing process to keep your distance and also because you should want to be with someone that wants you back enough to try and fix their own mistakes...

I am in a similar situation, and my ex did contact me on several occasions, and I replied very concisely. Maybe it's not the right way to handle it, but I don't think completely ignoring him would have made the difference. If anything, I think he wouldn't contact me anymore... Ever...

I don't think there is right or wrong here. From my experience, when I did many "mistakes" (stayed friends with an ex after 2 months of limited contact in which I did replied to his messages in a very warm and friendly way, including nicknames,, and then initiating the reconciliation), we got back together. The so-called "rules" doesn't apply to everyone...

 

I agree

 

Right now i'm just trying to get my head together. If she messages me then i'll see what happens from there.

 

There's just so much uncertainty in my head i don't know what's going to happen. Although I'm focused on improving myself, the thought of not ending up with her pains me on the inside.

[Jonp219]

I think that if she contact you after some time has passed "just to say hi" you can answer. Most people won't write to you straight away that they want you back, because even the dumper is afraid of rejection. If she will regret it, she will probably try and see if you still care. I think those NC rules are waaaay too strict.

I am not into playing games, but I think you shouldn't contact her. It will be better for your healing process to keep your distance and also because you should want to be with someone that wants you back enough to try and fix their own mistakes...

I am in a similar situation, and my ex did contact me on several occasions, and I replied very concisely. Maybe it's not the right way to handle it, but I don't think completely ignoring him would have made the difference. If anything, I think he wouldn't contact me anymore... Ever...

I don't think there is right or wrong here. From my experience, when I did many "mistakes" (stayed friends with an ex after 2 months of limited contact in which I did replied to his messages in a very warm and friendly way, including nicknames,, and then initiating the reconciliation), we got back together. The so-called "rules" doesn't apply to everyone...

 

But if i'm the one who pushed her away doesn't that mean that I have to make contact first? Although she dumped me, I think it was difficult for her to pull the trigger.