Cant move on emotionally after Co-Worker Affair

[LifeWasted]

If I were her husband and I found out what she did, I'd take about $10,000 and spend a week at a Nevada brothel. And have it all filmed so she could watch it when I got back.

[Giraffe2014]

Autumnight – I wanted to abstain on the trip, I wanted to do it for my own dignity but part of me also crumbled at the thought we were both free to do what we wanted, something we could never do when at home before and I gave in. I knew if we got together on the trip it was the end and I have to stick to my guns or else I would have to walk away from my marriage. It doesn’t excuse me or give me a pass to do what I did.

The contact stops now, I wont be engaging him in any form. I am truly done with this.

I know I deserve the harshness of the posts here. I know this. I am riddled with guilt. I know I sound pathetic. I have slept with husband since I posted last. Protected. If I have an infection then I have to come clean.

[fellini]

And people wonder why she refuses to confess...

 

 

If I were her husband and I found out what she did, I'd take about $10,000 and spend a week at a Nevada brothel. And have it all filmed so she could watch it when I got back.

[SoulStorm]

Autumnight – I wanted to abstain on the trip, I wanted to do it for my own dignity but part of me also crumbled at the thought we were both free to do what we wanted, something we could never do when at home before and I gave in. I knew if we got together on the trip it was the end and I have to stick to my guns or else I would have to walk away from my marriage. It doesn’t excuse me or give me a pass to do what I did.

The contact stops now, I wont be engaging him in any form. I am truly done with this.

I know I deserve the harshness of the posts here. I know this. I am riddled with guilt. I know I sound pathetic. I have slept with husband since I posted last. Protected. If I have an infection then I have to come clean.

 

You realize that you made your husband....YOUR HUSBAND wear a condom AFTER you came back from a week long trip. After you made him wait 4 days since your return? Do you realize how big of a red flag that is regardless of the excuse you may have given him for wearing one. You are going to get caught

[Noirek]

You realize that you made your husband....YOUR HUSBAND wear a condom AFTER you came back from a week long trip. After you made him wait 4 days since your return? Do you realize how big of a red flag that is regardless of the excuse you may have given him for wearing one. You are going to get caught

 

Condom wearing is some people's choice of birth control as they don't involve hormones. They also can be a choice for easy cleanup. Not always a red flag. I am sure they wouldn't have use one unless it is common for them to.

[Confused48]

OP you have been a good wife for 30 years? I must have missed that part before. Well then you must be getting on in years. Could that be part of your motivation here? Was Jack a bit younger than you? Could you be losing it? Are you perhaps fantisising a bit when you say you are stunning? Perhaps need to say "was?" I'm not saying there are not any hot 50+ women out there that men go crazy for. I'm just saying the HOTTEST 50+ woman is going to have trouble competing with 20 something's. Of course once your husband realizes his hot 50+ wife is a tramp! an average 40 something woman is going to look hot by comparison.

[merrmeade]

oh joy, found the thumbs down icon!!:bunny::bunny:

Autumnight – I wanted to abstain on the trip, I wanted to do it for:bunny:my own dignity :bunny:but part of me also crumbled at the thought we were both free to do what we wanted, something we could never do when at home before and I gave in. I knew if we got together on the trip it was the end and I have to stick to my guns or else I would have to walk away from my marriage. It doesn’t excuse me or give me a pass to do what I did.

The contact stops now, I wont be engaging him in any form. I am truly done with this.

I know I deserve the harshness of the posts here. I know this. I am riddled with guilt. I know I sound pathetic. I have slept with husband since I posted last. Protected. If I have an infection then I have to come clean.

:bunny::bunny::bunny:

[Diezel]

If I have an sti I come clean. Will have no choice then.

 

Am I the only one praying she has one?

 

it's destroying me playing a double life. Ultimately it will destroy us all definitely if I continue. Who knows maybe now it's not too late entirely. A lot rides on the next few weeks

 

I had MAYBE an ounce of sympathy for you up until your trip. NONE now. It's destroying you? Boohoo. You created this path of destruction you are walking on. Whatever road you are walking on is a road built on the lies you have created.

 

In another post you speak of dignity... sorry, you don't know what what means.

And about being a good wife? Sorry, you handed your card for that club a while ago.

[Marchhare]

This is just down and dirty awesome graphic true truth. You need to take up pulp fiction, jsmart.

 

I'm sure it will be gone soon, but but it is the truth. I shudder at the tainted "lips" her BH is kissing...both of them.

 

I hope I didn't overstep.

[fellini]

OP when all that is left is crosstalk and ugliness and mockery and hyperbole it's time to see your thread has little more to say that hasn't already been said when things were a little more civilised. Welcome to LS. Only you get to decide if it is a useful place or just a self inflicted hotel California.

[autumnnight]

And people wonder why she refuses to confess...

 

Here's a question: does a bad outcome negate the need for honesty? Do my values depend on others' actions?

 

Are there absolutes in life?

 

I'm sorry, that was 3 questions.

 

But the above statement, with respect, sounds EXACTLY what would come out of a WS's mouth.

[SoulStorm]

Condom wearing is some people's choice of birth control as they don't involve hormones. They also can be a choice for easy cleanup. Not always a red flag. I am sure they wouldn't have use one unless it is common for them to.

 

Good point

 

Her husband is already suspicious. If they are in their 40' and 50's,it is rare to be wearing condoms at that age. Unless one of them had a disease, which I doubt because she probably didn't use one with Jack the Lad.

[DKT3]

Condom wearing is some people's choice of birth control as they don't involve hormones. They also can be a choice for easy cleanup. Not always a red flag. I am sure they wouldn't have use one unless it is common for them to.

 

Yeah its a red flag. If its not something that wasn't done in the past, her husband know has more to go with in terms of her being unfaithful. She is actually really sloppy with her affair.

 

I just think it speaks volumes that she would not make AP wear one then comes home and makes her husband wear one.

 

It would be one thing if her husband wasn't already on the trail.

 

OP its also not true that you didn't want to sleep with this guy on the trip, everyone here knew you wanted to. Its all words with you. In a matter of weeks you WILL be sleeping with this guy again, and you still will neither tell your husband or walk away. Why? Because your selfish and don't really give a s--t.

 

That view will change once your husband adds it all up.

[merrmeade]

OP when all that is left is crosstalk and ugliness and mockery and hyperbole it's time to see your thread has little more to say that hasn't already been said when things were a little more civilised. Welcome to LS. Only you get to decide if it is a useful place or just a self inflicted hotel California.

Aw, man! You just ruined it, fellini.

 

Oh, hey, I forgot - she'll just ignore if she gets it in the first place! Remember many of OP's posts were on the sly during work hours. My theory has always been stream-of-consciousness. She writes and writes whatever pops into her stunningly beautiful head. Sometimes she reads responses; sometimes not. The goal is to let out steam (aka, hot air), lighten the brain load for a while.

[fellini]

Well why not answer this extremely simple question for starters.

 

Which do you value more: "a truth" or not permanently damaging another human being - hell let's make this simpler. Honesty or causing harm to another. Choose.

 

No, there are no absolutes in life. I leave absolutes to religions.

 

 

Here's a question: does a bad outcome negate the need for honesty? Do my values depend on others' actions?

 

Are there absolutes in life?

 

I'm sorry, that was 3 questions.

 

But the above statement, with respect, sounds EXACTLY what would come out of a WS's mouth.

[autumnnight]

Good question.

 

If the doctor tells me I am going to die with cancer....is it the doctor's news that will kill me or the cancer?

 

I know, I know. Believe me, in the final analysis, I fully believe that the ONLY people whose business it is to tell, not tell, expose, etc. are the people DIRECTLY affected by the A: WS, BS, AP, family(kids, etc).

 

However, I know enough to recognize and understand certain things, and I worry for this particular poster that the decision of exposure is now out of the hands of anyone directly involved. I am trying to point her toward a "pre-emptive strike" for lack of a better word.

[fellini]

Why bring a doctor or cancer into this - answer the question! What do you believe.

I know what I believe and I don't need or use analogies to escape my core values or worse, decry that I hold not harming another human being over another value called honesty for myself, but not for others. This is a double standard that is unfair in an open forum.

 

The same goes for people who try to get others to imagine being in someone else's shoes. It doesn't work that way.

 

I know for a fact that my WW wouldn't have lasted 15 minutes had she heard that I had done to her what in fact she has done to me. Not 15 minutes. This is not a good enough reason for me to deny reconciliation. I am doing the best I can to reconcile with my wife KNOW ING that if the shoe were on the other foot it would be different. I have to be who I am, not relative to some vague analogy (not to doctors and cancer, not to honesty vs. Hurting another, an not to put yourself in someone else's place)

 

The only way forward is to be authentic to who you are. We have to be careful about aspiring to be something we are not. I needed 3 months to be sure that my reasons for reconciling were authentic, and not masked in fear or loathing or angry jealousy, all emotions I'm fully capable of having, but rather in my authentic belief in the potential of my WW to redeem HER SELF as much in her own eyes as mine.

 

I have already listed the choices which this WS has. I am not in some "always tell-never tell" camp. I refuse to accept such black and white labels. But when I look at her options, I see only one which meets her current criteria to remain in this marriage. If she can successfully get another 10 years with her husband, living authentically, then she should probably do what an unknown number of wayward do, and that is DESTROY any and all evidence. Keep quiet, and get on with fixing herself.

 

If she cannot do that she should quietly find a way out of this marriage without rubbing his nose in her affair during the process.

 

I would change my strategy when the conditions change. This is not my answer to all waywardS.

 

I'm sorry but the fact is the sense of urgency for confession has come 100% from the LS community. Anyone can see that LS members are more wrapped up in this than even she is.

 

 

 

 

 

Good question.

 

If the doctor tells me I am going to die with cancer....is it the doctor's news that will kill me or the cancer?

 

I know, I know. Believe me, in the final analysis, I fully believe that the ONLY people whose business it is to tell, not tell, expose, etc. are the people DIRECTLY affected by the A: WS, BS, AP, family(kids, etc).

 

However, I know enough to recognize and understand certain things, and I worry for this particular poster that the decision of exposure is now out of the hands of anyone directly involved. I am trying to point her toward a "pre-emptive strike" for lack of a better word.

[jbrent890]

Why bring a doctor or cancer into this - answer the question! What do you believe.

I know what I believe and I don't need or use analogies to escape my core values or worse, decry that I hold not harming another human being over another value called honesty for myself, but not for others. This is a double standard that is unfair in an open forum.

 

The same goes for people who try to get others to imagine being in someone else's shoes. It doesn't work that way.

 

I know for a fact that my WW wouldn't have lasted 15 minutes had she heard that I had done to her what in fact she has done to me. Not 15 minutes. This is not a good enough reason for me to deny reconciliation. I am doing the best I can to reconcile with my wife KNOW ING that if the shoe were on the other foot it would be different. I have to be who I am, not relative to some vague analogy (not to doctors and cancer, not to honesty vs. Hurting another, an not to put yourself in someone else's place)

 

The only way forward is to be authentic to who you are. We have to be careful about aspiring to be something we are not. I needed 3 months to be sure that my reasons for reconciling were authentic, and not masked in fear or loathing or angry jealousy, all emotions I'm fully capable of having, but rather in my authentic belief in the potential of my WW to redeem HER SELF as much in her own eyes as mine.

 

I have already listed the choices which this WS has. I am not in some "always tell-never tell" camp. I refuse to accept such black and white labels. But when I look at her options, I see only one which meets her current criteria to remain in this marriage. If she can successfully get another 10 years with her husband, living authentically, then she should probably do what an unknown number of wayward do, and that is DESTROY any and all evidence. Keep quiet, and get on with fixing herself.

 

If she cannot do that she should quietly find a way out of this marriage without rubbing his nose in her affair during the process.

 

I would change my strategy when the conditions change. This is not my answer to all waywardS.

 

I'm sorry but the fact is the sense of urgency for confession has come 100% from the LS community. Anyone can see that LS members are more wrapped up in this than even she is.

 

But what if her husband would want to know if he was being cheated on?

[Diezel]

Which do you value more: "a truth" or not permanently damaging another human being - hell let's make this simpler. Honesty or causing harm to another. Choose.

 

Permanently damage because she told him the truth?

 

She permanently damaged her husband as soon as she decided to embark on this affair. This isn't a thing she found out and she doesn't want to tell her husband, it's a thing she did and kept doing multiple times and he is none the wiser for it.

 

You also forget the reason why she isn't going to tell him, so that she won't "permanently damage" herself. Don't try to make this about damaging him. That's not the reason she isn't saying anything. Go dig in the thread. Her reasons for not telling him are for HER.

 

It's a selfish reason. Not a righteous one.

[merrmeade]

Why bring a doctor or cancer into this - answer the question! What do you believe.

I know what I believe and I don't need or use analogies to escape my core values or worse, decry that I hold not harming another human being over another value called honesty for myself, but not for others. This is a double standard that is unfair in an open forum.

 

The same goes for people who try to get others to imagine being in someone else's shoes. It doesn't work that way.

 

I know for a fact that my WW wouldn't have lasted 15 minutes had she heard that I had done to her what in fact she has done to me. Not 15 minutes. This is not a good enough reason for me to deny reconciliation. I am doing the best I can to reconcile with my wife KNOW ING that if the shoe were on the other foot it would be different. I have to be who I am, not relative to some vague analogy (not to doctors and cancer, not to honesty vs. Hurting another, an not to put yourself in someone else's place)

 

The only way forward is to be authentic to who you are. We have to be careful about aspiring to be something we are not. I needed 3 months to be sure that my reasons for reconciling were authentic, and not masked in fear or loathing or angry jealousy, all emotions I'm fully capable of having, but rather in my authentic belief in the potential of my WW to redeem HER SELF as much in her own eyes as mine.

 

I have already listed the choices which this WS has. I am not in some "always tell-never tell" camp. I refuse to accept such black and white labels. But when I look at her options, I see only one which meets her current criteria to remain in this marriage. If she can successfully get another 10 years with her husband, living authentically, then she should probably do what an unknown number of wayward do, and that is DESTROY any and all evidence. Keep quiet, and get on with fixing herself.

 

If she cannot do that she should quietly find a way out of this marriage without rubbing his nose in her affair during the process.

 

I would change my strategy when the conditions change. This is not my answer to all waywardS.

 

I'm sorry but the fact is the sense of urgency for confession has come 100% from the LS community. Anyone can see that LS members are more wrapped up in this than even she is.

We are all on the same page here. Well, maybe not all, but Fellini is absolutely right that the impetus to tell BH was entirely from LS. Everybody kept hoping and trying, but OP never, ever considered it for a second. He's is just trying to work with what's there.

[Noirek]

I understand choosing not to tell.

 

I understand not wanting to give it up. Or simply not being able to.

 

I understand having an affair when you never thought you would.

 

I understand asking yourself who the heck am I?

 

I understand self loathing and self protection too.

 

I understand the sharp pain of reading hateful and cruel posts and knowing you deserve it.

 

The biggest thing I regret is being a cheater.

 

But I also understand regreting a confession. If I had been strong enough to deal with if alone I would have spared so much pain. But I wasn't. And I don't know if the OP is either.

 

But she is not going to confess so I believe there is no point in insulting her, calling her unredeemable and mocking her. We know that using such a tactic to convince someone never works.

 

OP, why can't you quit your job?

[Noirek]

Good point

 

Her husband is already suspicious. If they are in their 40' and 50's,it is rare to be wearing condoms at that age. Unless one of them had a disease, which I doubt because she probably didn't use one with Jack the Lad.

 

Yeah its a red flag. If its not something that wasn't done in the past, her husband know has more to go with in terms of her being unfaithful. She is actually really sloppy with her affair.

 

I just think it speaks volumes that she would not make AP wear one then comes home and makes her husband wear one.

 

It would be one thing if her husband wasn't already on the trail.

 

OP its also not true that you didn't want to sleep with this guy on the trip, everyone here knew you wanted to. Its all words with you. In a matter of weeks you WILL be sleeping with this guy again, and you still will neither tell your husband or walk away. Why? Because your selfish and don't really give a s--t.

 

That view will change once your husband adds it all up.

 

I missed the part where the OP said that she was in her 40s or 50s. I am not sure why the second person argued with me. I was only pointing out that it doesnt have to mean a red flag and can be a common practice. Which I am sure is the case or the OP would never have got one on him. Or he already knows and wanted protection. Second seems less likely. I just missed the part where she surprised him with protected sex? Where was that?

[Mr. Lucky]

But when I look at her options, I see only one which meets her current criteria to remain in this marriage. If she can successfully get another 10 years with her husband, living authentically, then she should probably do what an unknown number of wayward do, and that is DESTROY any and all evidence. Keep quiet, and get on with fixing herself.

 

The option you designate might make sense for her. The LS community you're so skeptical of (nice Eagles reference ) realizes she's not the only person in the marriage.

 

Also, the advice to tell is based on probable outcomes. Well on her way to being found out, her options will be confession or discovery. So, as you put it:

 

Honesty or causing harm to another. Choose

 

Mr. Lucky

[SoulStorm]

. I just missed the part where she surprised him with protected sex? Where was that?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have slept with husband since I posted last. Protected. If I have an infection then I have to come clean.

 

Ten Characters

[Noirek]

Ten Characters

 

No I know she had sex. I should have worded that.

 

I missed the part where him wearing a condom would have been a surprise or out of the normal? I basically meant she whipped out a condom and "surprised" him. I realize I could have worded that better.