Cant move on emotionally after Co-Worker Affair

[road]

Too coincidental...

 

And if you rather not meet him...why talk to him at the hotel bar later

 

 

 

 

Yes all talk about going NC.

 

 

Action all seeing him in bar and kissing.

 

 

OP posts here but yet have shown to learn anything because she can not maintain NC.

[road]

Walking away was enough, I didn't have to make a public scene to make my point. I could have easily gone with it and got a hotel room. I walked away though

 

 

 

 

No walking away was too much.

 

 

What am I talking about?

 

 

You should of never walked into that bar after dinner. Hence there would of been no need to walk away, let alone no kiss.

[beach]

I would REALLY like to know - why were you so close to him that he was capable of kissing you?

 

He stepped into your personal space and you allowed it.

 

No, and I mean no one - gets THAT close to me without me bumping them back out of my space - unless I've invited them to be in THAT close proximity...

 

You have no boundaries. And you don't make yourself perfectly clear - that's my guess - you can't blame that on HIM - that's on you for allowing it.

[SoulStorm]

I would REALLY like to know - why were you so close to him that he was capable of kissing you?

 

He stepped into your personal space and you allowed it.

 

No, and I mean no one - gets THAT close to me without me bumping them back out of my space - unless I've invited them to be in THAT close proximity...

 

You have no boundaries. And you don't make yourself perfectly clear - that's my guess - you can't blame that on HIM - that's on you for allowing it.

She wanted him in her personal space

[Mr. Lucky]

Walking away was enough, I didn't have to make a public scene to make my point.

 

I wonder how many people saw him kiss you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

What is wrong with me? Why is this even so hard for me to do? I get solid ideas and think I can stick to them

But if I'm being really honest I won't be able to truly say how it will go after the trip. I do fixate on ap more than husband. It's that very same fixation that got me here.

What is wrong? Why can't you change? Simple:

(1) You haven't been caught. (2) It doesn't feel THAT wrong (or you'd stop).

 

Here are the themes you repeat: (1) how much you love your husband; (2) how bad you are and what you've done; (3) what you know you need to do. But none of these things engages your heart because you don't act as a result.

 

As far as #1 or your husband's importance in your actions is concerned, you SAY...

• I have a wonderful husband and gambled it all for a bit of fun
  
• husband is the best bet,
  
• a fantastic husband.
  
• we had a great night
  
• My husband is an extremely intelligent man,
  
• I have an amazing husband.
  
• I have a wonderful husband, family, I have it all.
  
• I have the best man a woman could want.
  
• he's an amaZing man, husband and dad
  
• I do love him,
  
• we are both very financially stable.
  
• I said I am happy
  
• I have a wonderful husband
  
• my husband is a smart man

But none of this makes you change. Imagining the negative fallout of getting caught (or fear of getting caught) has mobilized you more (imo) than thinking about how much you love your husband. How do I know? Well? You haven't done anything.

 

You live in the present, and the present feels semi-safe since BH hasn't nailed it yet. What would make you do something one way or the other? One or both of the following:

(a) being lured, flattered, then seduced by AP

(b) getting caught

 

Obviously this truth indicates some disappointing characterizations—the reason you continue lamenting and feeling bad about yourself instead of being pro-active. You know and say - but don't feel deeply - how sick it is. The reality is the status quo and NOT dooms-day or devastation.

 

What you need is something external to make your behavior change. Will power isn't working. Mental planning doesn't do it. Self-flagellation has no results.

 

Maybe behavior therapy.

Edited March 18, 2015 by merrmeade

[autumnnight]

This really isn't complex OP. You are making it complex. You are waving fancy colors around and dancing to distract from the simplicity. You don't go anywhere near OM. If he even heads toward you, you go in the other direction. You don't go on this trip. You don't need this trip to prove something to yourself. You are keeping your options open. Asking "what's wrong with me" is an exercise in narcissism. You are selfish, plain and simple.

 

You know what's right. You don't WANT to do it. If you wanted to you would.

[Giraffe2014]

I know I have not been careful enough NOT to get caught eventually. In the thick of it, he was always far more careful than me, some may say that comes with experience over intelligence.

I clearly am a narcissist. By definition this is me. Is there a way back from becoming this person, or was I always like this and its only now that it is surfacing?

I know I am over complicating this too by my unwillingness to truly walk away. Why did I talk to him at the bar? Why do I even entertain speaking to him?

I tasted the thrill of this very wrong situation and I kept going back for more. I know I keep going on about the work trip, I truly cant let this rest until its over with. It may all be a storm in a teacup, I may not even see him there, I still plan to move in different social circles and we are in different hotels.

What I am doing makes me a horrible person, bad wife and mother. I know all these things.

I am not from England, but am living in Europe alright

[autumnnight]

I know I have not been careful enough NOT to get caught eventually. In the thick of it, he was always far more careful than me, some may say that comes with experience over intelligence.

I clearly am a narcissist. By definition this is me. Is there a way back from becoming this person, or was I always like this and its only now that it is surfacing?

I know I am over complicating this too by my unwillingness to truly walk away. Why did I talk to him at the bar? Why do I even entertain speaking to him?

I tasted the thrill of this very wrong situation and I kept going back for more. I know I keep going on about the work trip, I truly cant let this rest until its over with. It may all be a storm in a teacup, I may not even see him there, I still plan to move in different social circles and we are in different hotels.

What I am doing makes me a horrible person, bad wife and mother. I know all these things.

I am not from England, but am living in Europe alright

 

Again, distraction, distraction, distraction. False deprecation. This has worked for you most of your life. If you can identify your flaws people will believe that you feel bad about them and intend to change them. But you do not.

 

How often would you say you feel empathy toward others?

[Giraffe2014]

I am the "Go to" person for everyone close to me. Forever supporting someone and lending an empathetic listening ear. A rock to many yet so closed off when I myself need help. I am what people call "A closed book" In many ways this approach has never done me any favors, but this is how I always have been. Always considered considerate, lending time and love to those around me. I am patient, I am kind, these are how others describe me, to be honest not how I would describe myself! Manipulative and lieing may be more fitting

[SoulStorm]

I am the "Go to" person for everyone close to me. Forever supporting someone and lending an empathetic listening ear. A rock to many yet so closed off when I myself need help. I am what people call "A closed book" In many ways this approach has never done me any favors, but this is how I always have been. Always considered considerate, lending time and love to those around me. I am patient, I am kind, these are how others describe me, to be honest not how I would describe myself! Manipulative and lieing may be more fitting

 

 

Narcissists do good for others only to be seen as good and kind. They like the reward of being "thought" of as kind and considerate. Actually they are not and find doing good for others as exhausting and aggravating over time. They enjoy the praise "you are so kind and considerate" yet doing the work to get that praise is annoying to them. A true selfless person enjoys being a help and finds pleasure in being a resource for someone in need.

 

A narcissist only likes being thought of as a go to person. Their objective is only for their own recognition.

[autumnnight]

I am the "Go to" person for everyone close to me. Forever supporting someone and lending an empathetic listening ear. A rock to many yet so closed off when I myself need help. I am what people call "A closed book" In many ways this approach has never done me any favors, but this is how I always have been. Always considered considerate, lending time and love to those around me. I am patient, I am kind, these are how others describe me, to be honest not how I would describe myself! Manipulative and lieing may be more fitting

 

I am talking about something different from acting in a kind and supportive way to others and listening to their problems. I am talking about feeling empathy.

[beach]

I am talking about something different from acting in a kind and supportive way to others and listening to their problems. I am talking about feeling empathy.

 

Not just feeling empathy - but showing the action that shows you have empathy for others. With a boundary!

[Giraffe2014]

I care a lot for people. Nothing towards them

Is pretended I do enjoy supporting and taking care of those I love in whatever manner they require. Maybe not all these are narcissitic traits but I seem to have many more. I don't have huge self worth, I don't know if I ever did and always sought the approval and acceptance of others. People

See

Me as carefree and confident, I'm

Not and never have been. I'm not

Fishing for sympathy but my actions are entirely out of character, that's what I'm trying to portray

[Imajerk17]

I care a lot for people. Nothing towards them

Is pretended I do enjoy supporting and taking care of those I love in whatever manner they require. Maybe not all these are narcissitic traits but I seem to have many more. I don't have huge self worth, I don't know if I ever did and always sought the approval and acceptance of others. People

See

Me as carefree and confident, I'm

Not and never have been. I'm not

Fishing for sympathy but my actions are entirely out of character , that's what I'm trying to portray

 

This is besides the point altogether. This isn't about your pain or whether you are a good person or not, this is the pain you are causing OTHER people. And you seem to be missing this point! In your first post on here was more about your own pain about being "rejected" than it was about the pain you were causing your husband and child. Did you even consider their pain and suffering before you came on here and got slammed? Or what about before you had your first kiss with this guy?

 

Giraffe2014, there are plenty of women (and men) who have gone through tough times, who have supported their spouses and their families through those tough times, and these women (and men) have done this without cheating! You cheated on a man who has been nothing but good to you and you bring up your tough times like it is even relevant.

 

Hell shouldn't you be extra grateful to your husband for staying with YOU through the tough times with your family?

 

This is what else I don't get: For all this self-loathing that you do and how much of a mess you seem to be, you still haven't done ANYTHING to resolve things. It is a reason why people are so harsh on you.

 

1. Have you made an appointment to see a counselor?

2. Have you stopped talking to this guy completely?

 

YOU will feel better about yourself and probably will be more constructive about your marriage if you take some positive action. Your mind will follow your body.

Edited March 18, 2015 by Imajerk17

[Giraffe2014]

No haven't done either of those two things, the very basis of where I should start and I've been burying my head. I come from a family of strong marriages, genuinely so. I've got a great network if people the problem here is definitely

ME. I came to this forum looking for experience if how to get past this and have deservedly so been met with harsh words and defamation of character. I'm caught up in a mess that I definitely want release from. Going back to my first post I don't pine for ap like I did. I can't but talk to him due to work and my head is back in my marriage. I'm so afraid of this work trip and it can be as easy or difficult as I make it, I know this. I'm afraid to pick up the phone to a councillor, my town is so small I'm afraid I will know him or her. So I try to deal with it on my own and avoid the office but ap is everywhere. Hes in the corridors, work projects, work trips, his name is always in someone's lips as he's everyone's "friend". I think a new job will be a huge help but again this is going to take time

[SoulStorm]

I'm so afraid of this work trip and it can be as easy or difficult as I make it, I know this

 

Yeah...afraid the OM will end up in your bed or you in his. If that does happen, I sincerely hope your husband hired a PI

[Mazerati]

Giraffe,

 

Your first post as you acknowledge painted a poor picture. I could rehash, but why?

 

And yet for all the advice you are still getting ready for the destruction of your family.

 

Your AP is laying in wait, and you have done nothing to dissuade him. He is anxiously waiting to dance you on the floor and then take you to his bed.

 

Your latest posts indicates you are no where near over him, and when he crooks his finger you will follow. When you are in his bed, think of your children, and husband. Think of the PI and his report, think of your losing your job because of moral turpitude. Think of all the people you have hurt because you refuse to be proactive and send one final message to your drug addict,

 

LEAVE ME ALONE

 

Block his number and NEVER talk to him again.

 

Maybe you can make it through weekend unscathed, it is simple as others have said, run the other way.

 

Don't do it for you, do it for the unsuspecting people you betrayed.

 

Put them first instead of you and your AP, and get through this horror you and you alone created.

 

I hope you make it, and if you, no...when you do remember this.

 

There is much work ahead for you, and I hope you succeed.

 

Don't let them down.

 

Maz

[beach]

No haven't done either of those two things, the very basis of where I should start and I've been burying my head. I come from a family of strong marriages, genuinely so. I've got a great network if people the problem here is definitely

ME. I came to this forum looking for experience if how to get past this and have deservedly so been met with harsh words and defamation of character. I'm caught up in a mess that I definitely want release from. Going back to my first post I don't pine for ap like I did. I can't but talk to him due to work and my head is back in my marriage. I'm so afraid of this work trip and it can be as easy or difficult as I make it, I know this. I'm afraid to pick up the phone to a councillor, my town is so small I'm afraid I will know him or her. So I try to deal with it on my own and avoid the office but ap is everywhere. Hes in the corridors, work projects, work trips, his name is always in someone's lips as he's everyone's "friend". I think a new job will be a huge help but again this is going to take time

 

The family marriages are beside the point at this juncture - since yours isn't looking pretty now

 

Any counselor has client/professional privileges - and so talk outside what you discuss with him/her should never happen. It's private. Honestly, you should be more concerned that the OM was seen kissing you. You ALLOWED him into YOUR personal space! Of course he's going to try - so STOP allowing him to be anywhere close to you! Call him in and set up strict guidelines FOR HIM! Have a voice and speak up. THIS is only up to you.

 

You've asked for suggestions here and you've gotten good help - some if the best suggestions you haven't implemented yet. You can! And you should.

 

Be clear with the OM that on the work trip he is to stay far away from you and not to contact you.

 

Begin new - be clear - and set up boundaries FOR YOURSELF so he knows not to expect to communicate with you in the future unless it is on a strictly professional level.

 

And get tested for diseases - a player like that is more likely a carrier and you've put yourself at risk if you've exchanged any body fluids - that includes kissing.

[KingwoodMan]

If you're a sociopath then your plan of never coming clean will work fine. If you, however, have a conscience and any sense of right and wrong whatsoever then this ultimate level of betrayal will haunt you the rest of your life and eat you up inside. Redeeming yourself as a human being is only possible if you confess to those you've wronged. That's a must.

Edited March 19, 2015 by KingwoodMan

[Giraffe2014]

I guess all in, the proof will be whether I abstain or not on this trip. My mind says definitely. The work agenda hardly leaves time for sleep and eating, this also helps. Coupled with determination I can end this thing.

I know what I have been doing to my husband is horrible. I know this. But fuelled with alcohol and the party animal me is the result of whats gone down. I'm not making excuses, for years I never looked at another man. I still don't. This particular one had me sucked in within minutes. I wasnt looking for this, for an affair, it should have been left at the one night mistake (Which constituted of a kiss and us sleeping in the same bed)

Ironically, this was the first and last time we "Slept" together.

He messaged me today and I ignored him. Then I messaged him a while ago and he ignored it! Its a stupid game. I just wanted to say get lost and now I cant even do that (Tomorrows another day).

[tippydog90]

You say you realize what you are doing is wrong, and while that may be true, you truly don't care that it is wrong. If you cared one bit about your BH, you wouldn't be texting this man, meeting him in a bar, and going on this trip. The way you refuse to tell him to leave you alone and keep communication open clearly indicates exactly what will happen on this trip. Do your BH a favor and divorce him, he deserves real love from a worthy woman. You are all about you, clearly a narcissist.

[Giraffe2014]

That may well be true. Hard to see the bad in ones self. Shoe on the other foot, I'd give the same advice.

[Mazerati]

I guess all in, the proof will be whether I abstain or not on this trip. My mind says definitely. The work agenda hardly leaves time for sleep and eating, this also helps. Coupled with determination I can end this thing.

I know what I have been doing to my husband is horrible. I know this. But fuelled with alcohol and the party animal me is the result of whats gone down. I'm not making excuses, for years I never looked at another man. I still don't. This particular one had me sucked in within minutes. I wasnt looking for this, for an affair, it should have been left at the one night mistake (Which constituted of a kiss and us sleeping in the same bed)

Ironically, this was the first and last time we "Slept" together.

He messaged me today and I ignored him. Then I messaged him a while ago and he ignored it! Its a stupid game. I just wanted to say get lost and now I cant even do that (Tomorrows another day).

 

Giraffe,

 

What was in his message that you ignored?

 

AND why did you message him back?

 

There should have been only three words, in your reply. Leave me alone.

 

What did you say?

 

Also, it is not a game, it is your marriage!!

 

And, what's really bad and telling is you are UPSET he ignored you. So that says you were ENGAGING HIM AGAIN.

 

WHY?

 

Giraffe whether he responds or not send him that one FINAL text and be finished with him.

 

Do you really want to save your marriage?????????

 

 

Come on Giraffe, you are not trying.

 

Maz

[SoulStorm]

I have been studying this thread....

 

I believe it's a troll thread...everything written is used to invoke either empathy or anger...doesn't seem authentic. just my opinion