beach Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I would suggest moving money into your name only. Move as many assets as possible. Then I'd drive home today and attempt to be as calm as possible - have a talk with her - allow her to understand you know and pack her bag and have her leave the house immediately. You need time and space to clear your mind. That's not going to happen while she's there. She should leave,for now and for an undetermined time, so that you can think clearly. Since she cheated - it's for her to figure out for a while. Don't take her consequences away...that just makes it easier for her to feel less remorseful. Expose to the OM wife - she deserves to know what her husband has been doing. For now, don't go easy on her... She's ruined trust - let her feel the pain of what she caused. Give yourself time to think, to process and to decide what is best for you without her distracting you with more lies. Take care of yourself for now - even one minute at a time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 How did she know the OM? Did he work with her? If so, did he also get fired? Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Don't let her know yet. You said you are still confused and your heads not screwed on quite straight at the moment. Don't confront until you are sure you know what you are going to do. Are you talking to anyone? Like a good friend or a pastor or priest? Sometimes the best way to clear your head is to talk to someone who can listen objectively. Link to post Share on other sites
tom670 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Why don't you have the PI contact his wife and he can give her you cell# if she has any questions. Then it will be telling if your wife shows remorse or just get's mad because the affair has seen the light of day. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Did you at least move your assets into your name yet? Change your passwords on everything. What action are you taking to protect yourself? I hope you're ok. Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Don't let her know yet. You said you are still confused and your heads not screwed on quite straight at the moment. Don't confront until you are sure you know what you are going to do. Are you talking to anyone? Like a good friend or a pastor or priest? Sometimes the best way to clear your head is to talk to someone who can listen objectively. The only issue with this is that whatever decision he makes might be liable to change when he does confront her. If he is set on divorce and she says all the right things, then that might change his mind and vice versa. What ever he does decide to do, I think he needs to talk to a lawyer first and find out what his options are. Link to post Share on other sites
Mazerati Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. I cannot offer you empathy that so many have shown you. But I can offer support. The advice given by the majority is sound, IMHO. I will echo what has been said on more than one occasion: Trust Your Gut Instincts So sad for you that it came to this, but life is what it is. It will be difficult for you, an understatement to be sure, but for now the advice on not confronting is sound until you get your feet back under you. There are so many thoughts and emotions swirling that you should step out and take a very short breather, but don't procrastinate, once the decision is made, swift justice is probably best. Finding someone to confide in is excellent advice whether it be family, friend, minister, or therapist. You mentioned a robust sex life, it is probably in your best interest and for health reasons to stop. But will that draw attention? It seems she was cheating and lying to you for a long time. This was not a ONS, this was a LTA. It is also possible that this was not the only one. Try not to belittle yourself, and start comparisons with the AP. She made the conscious choice to betray you, you child, and will in all probability turn on the faucet once confronted, and try to sway you with emotions. do not let her emotions control yours. Put yourself first, and your child first too, she has been relegated to last place, in fact she is no longer in the race at the moment. She has been disqualified. Based on what you are implying this is far worse than what you have let on. All these things will need to be addressed, and if this is the case, you should be separating finances, and lay the groundwork to separate. Perhaps a 180 and handing her papers may be enough to shock her awake. There have been stories where that has worked. Be ever vigilant, and always, always, always, verify things. Assume that everything she says is a lie and she will justify not being 1005 open and honest for 'your benefit and protection', sparing you the details of her infidelity. Where as it is for her benefit and her protection, because she has relegated you and your child to last place. Do not settle for anything less than 100% accountability, you are worth are worth it, and then some. Best to get it handled now than later. Be strong!!!!!!!!!!! Trust your gut!!! Maz 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 You need to expose to the your family, and to the OM's family. Exposure is a tool to help stop the A. make sure she gets tested for stds before you have any more relations with her. Talk to your brother and other family members to get support right now. You are in shock, and other feelings will come after. See an attorney so that you have information on your options. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Keeping the PI on the job was very smart and gutty. You knew in your gut that something was up and you were right. Now what? Well, lots of us on this thread don't have to imagine what you are going through - we lived it. We know the stunned confusion you are feeling right now. All of your emotional landmark's have just been turned upside down. We understand. Your getting lots of advice - so much it must feel overwhelming. All of us did things on d-day that we wish we could change. We wish we could have a do-over now that we know what we know. So our advice to you is pretty much useless. It just confuses you more. I believe you should take the following action: do exactly what you want to do. Exactly what you feel is right for you. Listen to the advice of others such as see your lawyer, read a book, get into counseling etc. etc. - later on. Maybe tomorrow or the next day. Today you are hurting beyond anything you ever thought was possible. Handle it your way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Know that you have been heard and a whole community wishes you well. Our thoughts are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lunay Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I'm sorry to hear your gut instinct was true. It's a good thing that you didn't cancel the PI. Just know we are here to help and listen. Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 OP are you doing ok? Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I'm so very sorry to read your update. I am glad that you took action as some people suggested. It's raw now, but as some have advised, you need to start taking care of you. It can and will get better. Keep posting, there is so much support here. Link to post Share on other sites
ForgottenWorld Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Hey just wanted to add some of my thoughts too Im here on this forum to read myself, since im pretty sure my husband is cheating on me since last weekend (my ipad was once his and looks like he forgot to turn off facetime messaging sync so ive been watching it all unfold while on holiday at my parents....and have girls number with his replies) I havent said anything yet either, just claimed to be sick and spent 2 days just sleeping/ reading tying to find answers Unlike you though my husband has all finaces in his name, we dont have a joint account so it will pretty much destry me since we have been living in a forign country ive been a stay home wife. And i still love him so much- but things have never been easy he has always worked long hours and is not emotionally available... (He is an emotional avoidant style, its a kind of disorder so i am thinking of going to therapy to get over the shock, and to see if i can rebuild us) Anyway from what i have read even people in happy marriages can have affairs, also it could be the perfect springboard to be able to go over your marriage together and try to hilight the things that are lacking. love their spouses, but they don't know how to fix their relationship problems... So they have an affair to fill in the gap...I dont know if this is an option for you, but in my cse i think working on the gap first will be the best option, For me i have to somehow protectmyself financially, and since my husband refuses to give me joint access i am afraid, and have no othr option to return say nothing and try to fix this on my own. Dont blame yourself, or let it diminish your worth, in fact she still probably loves you... But i do understand the sense of betrayl, that too must pass to think clearly and objectively...so maybe get some therapy because it will be easier to talk it out with someone not a relative (then you have to deal with all of their emotions too and i really dont need that right now) This has happend to me before, for first time experience its the worst, so be kind to yourself, try not to obsess (says me reading every few mins and not eating or sleeping well...) but just try not to... Watch some movies... Distract yourself... It will all pass and be ok And it will make you stronger if not wiser. There other ways to view this sitution though and one is a clean slate with everything on the table...and could be a better place ...with better understanding of eachothers needs and hopes. best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
tom670 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Brendan I hope you are holding up. It gets better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brendan82 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 I still feel like ****. I haven't been eating or sleeping. My life really feels like a living hell. The worst has to be the mind movies. The mind movies are killing me it seems like anything can trigger them it's non stop. I haven't been home much for the last few days. I've been staying late at work for the most part I haven't really had to deal with her yet. I do have a fake business trip. I told my wife I need to go out of town for a few days. I will be gone for about a week. I plan to use that time to decide on my next movie. As of now it looks like that's divorce route. That's it for now. I will try answer more questions tomorrow. Thanks support I appreciate it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Have you told your wife you know she's been cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Good luck Brendan! Hang in there, you will get through this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brendan82 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Have you told your wife you know she's been cheating? I don't plan on telling her until I know without a doubt what I want do. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 What info did the PI give you? Anything you haven't told us yet? Do you have a therapist that can help you sort out how you feel? Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I don't plan on telling her until I know without a doubt what I want do. Aren't close with your brother? Maybe you should take him with you and go talk with a lawyer. I think it will help ease your mind to get an understanding of what the divorce path looks like. How about counseling? You need some people you can trust in your corner right now. Reach out and get a little help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 You know she cheated... And yet you say and do nothing? Decide. And then take action that suits YOUR best interest. Expose to her. Doing nothing isn't changing the fact that she's cheated and made the marriage a complete farce. Disrespected and discarded you too! Start doing something's to protect yourself and your best interest. Get your assets in order and then tell her you know exactly what she's been up to. Get busy - doing nothing isn't helping you resolve this. Pick yourself up and take charge of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
ForgottenWorld Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Beach is right, protect yourself as much as possible you have a right to be happy, so value yourself and protect yourself! dont involve family yet - you may be able to work things out, but just make sure you have protected yourself first - involving family just make things more complicated (say for instance you do work things out, how will things then be between family... things got this way over time, id say look after yourself first, then see what can be saved. xxo Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 If you need or want more proof the week you’re pretending to be away would obviously be a good time to have the PI keep track of her. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I don't plan on telling her until I know without a doubt what I want do. Whether you want to reconcile or divorce, it's my belief that the best confrontation is done with divorce papers. Anything short of that communicates that you're willing to accept unacceptable behavior. If you don't respect yourself, your wife won't either. I'd say her respect for you is low enough. Lowering it further is not going to make you more attractive. Worse yet (and more importantly), selling yourself short further damages your self-image and ego, which I also suspect has taken a big enough blow already. In some cases, filing for divorce is a big enough wake-up call to the wayward spouse that it kills that fantasy; reality intrudes in a big way. If she shows remorse that's sufficient enough for you to try to reconcile, you can always halt the proceedings. If she doesn't, you'll be on the way to the divorce you need. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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