How do I handle this

[kendahke]

"Madame protests too much, methinks"...

 

The pissy moods, the being on the cell phone, the being distant, the showing up late at work---and when they fire you for things like that, it's not a bolt out of the blue; You've given then a lot of rope to start knotting up. You're usually given a verbal then written warning in the file so that they've got their behinds covered should she decided to sue them for wrongful termination.

 

I see no reason for why the boss would lie about that. Why give OP's wife ammunition (slander) through a lie to use against the company in a lawsuit? I see nothing to gain by the boss telling a lie to OP.

 

OP--I don't think the hiring of a PI is going too far. They don't have a dog in this fight, emotionally: they're getting you the facts as they fall out in experience. She's not telling you that she's not showing up to work on time: what else is she leaving out or choosing not to tell you? And it's not like you haven't asked what's up. If the PI turns up nothing, then no harm, no foul. But you're dealing with a wife who is not being transparent and you are owed the truth as her husband.

[Confused48]

I could’ve talked to her it’s what I should’ve done before going with the PI. It’s too late for that now all I can do now is wait. At the time I wasn’t thinking straight I should have done things differently but what’s done is done.

 

This is complete rubbish and I sense you know that. She has cheating in her past, you were an exit affair for her, I call BS to the crocodile tears about taking the high road. You know what you did was justified. I might have said check her phone when she was asleep, instead of dropping a bundle on a PI. But seriously, ask the fox if it was in the hen house last night? No. Please.

[aliveagain]

I think her ex boss was trying to find a soft way to tell you your wife is up to no good. Let the investigator do his thing. Check her phone records, charge card purchases, get a key logger installed on your home computer. There are enough red flags to warrant preparing yourself for the worst. Talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights and those of your children. Who goes to work I and 2 hours late 2 or 3 times a week and expects no consequence? Something is important enough to her to make her do this.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If I were you...I would begin to think about what i would do IF.. your wife is indeed having an affair.

 

Perhaps talk to a lawyer...find out your rights, how you should prepare etc.

You need to have a plan...in case you need it.

 

Now having said that....I am a positive person and i hate to jump to negative conclusions without cause.

 

I think you should have discussed it with her first...but you already jumped the gun and hired an investigator.

 

So now you wait.

 

I hope everything turns out ok for you.

 

One of the questions i have is why the boss would give you the information she did....

She did FIRE her...and i can't help but think maybe she is covering her own a$$. Most companies have to build a case to fire you....most have to give warnings, or bad performance evaluations. This xboss could be lying. I just cannot imagine discussing with an employees spouse reasons i fired them...even if they were my best friend.

[Be_Strong]

I think her ex boss was trying to find a soft way to tell you your wife is up to no good. Let the investigator do his thing. Check her phone records, charge card purchases, get a key logger installed on your home computer. There are enough red flags to warrant preparing yourself for the worst. Talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights and those of your children. Who goes to work I and 2 hours late 2 or 3 times a week and expects no consequence? Something is important enough to her to make her do this.

 

I thought the same thing. For all you know, another guy at her work was also fired the same day for being habitually late. Her boss seemed like she actively sought you out to explain what happened, but could have been limited by privacy rules or just didn't want to get too much involved. If I had just fired a person, I would never want to eat lunch with their spouse the next day--way too awkward. Only exception is if there was some affair going on and I wanted to give a heads up to the spouse or at least a nudge in the right direction so he could find out himself.

[drifter777]

Look, I know how difficult this is but you really need to avoid thinking like "What do I do if she is cheating? Should I try to reconcile? What will this do to my kids?" Deal with one thing at a time and right now that is the hunt for the truth. Hiring a PI was the best thing you could possibly do. Lots of us here on LS suggest key logger & VAR and lots of snooping on your own but that is often because we hope the person can avoid the cost of a PI. When you can afford it, a PI the most effective way to find out if she is hiding an affair or, as someone else suggested, substance abuse.

[BlackHat]

You didn´t need to hire a private investigator. I can tell you she is cheating for free.

 

As a cheater myself the signs are clear. Basically, she is trying to create a fight with you, so she can say she have had enough and leave you and still tell herself and her friends that it was "a fight" and "nobody to blame".

 

But since you hired a PI, get the facts and prepare for a divorce:

 

1. Get yourself a lawyer who is specialized in divorces. The best 100 bucks or less you will ever spend.

 

2. Without giving away the proof from the PI, arrange a chat with her in a public place (so she cannot make a scene). Tell her, without accusing, without feeling, that you are aware of her infidelity, that you want a divorce (because, believe me, you do), and that you should work an amicable agreement in an amicable piece of paper that will be revised by your amicable lawyer and the amicable lawyer you will amicably recommend her to hire.

 

3. If she goes into drama mode go away for a couple of days and leave her alone. Whenever she explodes, you dissappear. She will soon find out that the only way with you is going to be the civic way.

 

Good luck.

[lolablue17]

I can't imagine any reason why would your wife which you say is a professional and responsible woman, hide from you the fact that she was late for work on so many days...

 

Any reason except one... and you know what it is...

[Chasing_mya]

Okay well you've already hired the PI but are you prepared with what you may find out? Is there any reason that she may be running late so often during the week? Does she drop the kids off or traffic? I know I'm reaching here, just tyring to give her the benefit of the doubt first. It does seem odd and if she's been behaving like this for 8 months I'd go with your intuition. You know her best and if something is not right, 9 times out of 10 you're usually right. Keep us posted. I'm interested to know what happens.

[Brendan82]

Thanks for all the responses. I never imaged I would receive this much support it really does help. So thank you.

 

To answer a few questions about what’s going on.

 

I haven’t decided what I would do if it turns out my wife is involved in an affair. Its situation I never believed I would be in so I don’t really know what I would do. I’m still trying to come to terms with the thought of my wife actually cheating. And after today it’s pretty clear she is doing something. I took a look at the phone bill and her texts and data usage is sky high. Most of the texts are to and from one number. So my guess that’s the other guys number. I decided to stop there and let the PI do the rest.

 

Everything else on the legal front is not really an issue at the moment. I know where I stand for the most part. I work as an attorney in Small-mid general practice law firm NYC, we hand a broad range of matters for individuals including divorce. It's actually my father firm.

[Mrs. John Adams]

well it is pretty easy...dial the number

 

and since you are a lawyer...you certainly have this all covered

 

I am still hoping all is well

[happyman64]

Give the PI the number and let him do his job.

 

 

Stay calm, cool.

 

 

Do not give her a hint of what you are doing.

 

 

When the PI gives you his report then come back for suggestions on how to handle this.

 

 

HM

[Mal78]

Thanks for all the responses. I never imaged I would receive this much support it really does help. So thank you.

 

To answer a few questions about what’s going on.

 

I haven’t decided what I would do if it turns out my wife is involved in an affair. Its situation I never believed I would be in so I don’t really know what I would do. I’m still trying to come to terms with the thought of my wife actually cheating. And after today it’s pretty clear she is doing something. I took a look at the phone bill and her texts and data usage is sky high. Most of the texts are to and from one number. So my guess that’s the other guys number. I decided to stop there and let the PI do the rest.

 

Everything else on the legal front is not really an issue at the moment. I know where I stand for the most part. I work as an attorney in Small-mid general practice law firm NYC, we hand a broad range of matters for individuals including divorce. It's actually my father firm.

 

The key is getting your ducks in a row before you present her the facts. It sounds like you are well on your way.

 

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I hope it's something crazy and not actually true. However, since all signs point there, even more reason to be prepared for the worst case scenario.

 

Again, I'm sorry.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for all the responses. I never imaged I would receive this much support it really does help. So thank you.

 

To answer a few questions about what’s going on.

 

I haven’t decided what I would do if it turns out my wife is involved in an affair. Its situation I never believed I would be in so I don’t really know what I would do. I’m still trying to come to terms with the thought of my wife actually cheating. And after today it’s pretty clear she is doing something. I took a look at the phone bill and her texts and data usage is sky high. Most of the texts are to and from one number. So my guess that’s the other guys number. I decided to stop there and let the PI do the rest.

 

Everything else on the legal front is not really an issue at the moment. I know where I stand for the most part. I work as an attorney in Small-mid general practice law firm NYC, we hand a broad range of matters for individuals including divorce. It's actually my father firm.

 

You were her previous affair partner? You say you were the OM so I assume that her child is her exhusband's... So, you know firsthand what she is capable of...Just saying. And her behaviour, texts, usage has gone up, data is high..it makes sense.

[fellini]

I would agree to allowing the PI to do his work IF and ONLY IF you have decided to DIVORCE her based on the findings.

 

How can I put this any other way? IF your wife is in the PROCESS or middle of an affair, why do you want to WAIT until she has FURTHER physical relations with the OM before you put a stop to it IF your intention is to continue living with this woman?

 

As a BS I can assure you that you will not want to live knowing you had enough suspicions on your WW and did NOTHING except wait to catch her RED HANDED in the ACT in order to put an end to it.

 

Either your wife is going to end this charade or she is NOT. Why do you need her to have sex with someone you are going to require her to go NC?

 

Take the phone, get the number, call the man and get your own confirmation before her next rendezvous... I couldn't live with myself thinking I could have put a stop to more infidelity just because I wanted to see pictures from a P.I, - and I don't want to see pictures! I wanted it to end! Not promote it!

[karnak]

She has a history of cheating. I believe never cheated on me but she has in the past. When I meet her I was the other guy. I never held any of that against her since I’m no saint either. When put everything together **** doesn’t look right

 

That's a huge red flag there, my friend.

I personally don't believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater", but I'd say that a person who cheats has, at least, a 70% probability of doing it again in every relationship they're involved (it can take many years for them to cross the line).

 

As some of the good people here have stated: hope for the best but expect the worst.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Firstly, I am sorry that you are having to come here for assistance. Secondly, your brother has your best interests at heart. I believe that you certainly have probable cause for an investigation, particularly since you know she has not been truthful of the job issue. I would recommend seeing if you can get phone records to look for heavy use to numbers other than family and see what pops up. Also look at the credit card bills and look for bars, restaurant, hotels at times she should not be at one. In the meantime, you need to remain as normal as possible and allow things to develop. Don't worry about making a decision yet, first find out the facts, take sometime to think and then make a decision.

[badkarma2013]

posted by Fellini:Take the phone, get the number, call the man and get your own confirmation before her next rendezvous... I couldn't live with myself thinking I could have put a stop to more infidelity just because I wanted to see pictures from a P.I, - and I don't want to see pictures! I wanted it to end! Not promote it!

 

I agree, I only wish I had more hard proof...Many red flags..but nothing but shadows ...Until I got her phone....But had I ....I would had tried to end it asap! I would have wanted it to end as well....

 

Trust me on this YOU DO NOT WANT PICS...The nightmares that ensue are Life Changing and soul crushing...and they never quite end....Badkarma

 

PS Alot lot of BHs here think you are tough and can handle that kind of proof...But I promise you ..you cannot..

[Brendan82]

You were her previous affair partner? You say you were the OM so I assume that her child is her exhusband's... So, you know firsthand what she is capable of...Just saying. And her behaviour, texts, usage has gone up, data is high..it makes sense.

 

 

 

 

 

She wasn’t married nor did she have kids at the time but she was in a serious committed relationship with her xBF. We meet during my first semester of law school during a party. We kind hit it off started seeing each other. After a few months I come to find out she has BF. I confront her she starts giving me reason why she can’t leave I buy it and continue the relationship. Her xBF finds she breaks it off with me to try to salvage her relationship. After a few months she calling me telling me she made a mistake and she wants to be with me. I tell to leave her BF which she does. We date for another year before we get married.

 

My daughter was planned for the most part. I am more the 100% sure she’s mine I have no doubts about that.

[road]

She wasn’t married nor did she have kids at the time but she was in a serious committed relationship with her xBF. We meet during my first semester of law school during a party. We kind hit it off started seeing each other. After a few months I come to find out she has BF. I confront her she starts giving me reason why she can’t leave I buy it and continue the relationship. Her xBF finds she breaks it off with me to try to salvage her relationship. After a few months she calling me telling me she made a mistake and she wants to be with me. I tell to leave her BF which she does. We date for another year before we get married.

 

My daughter was planned for the most part. I am more the 100% sure she’s mine I have no doubts about that.

 

 

 

Another example of the cheat with you the wind up cheating on you.

[drifter777]

Another example of the cheat with you the wind up cheating on you.

Point taken. From what OP wrote he really doesn't have much responsibility for what she did to exBF. More than zero but she was not married and no kids and he did show a level of restraint once he knew about that exBF. Anyway, all this goes more to HER behavior as a serial cheater if that turns out to be the case. Except now she is married with children so if it turns out she is having an affair, this situation is much, much more dire than the previous one.

 

OP: lots of us are waiting for the PI report before we begin adding further advice - please update this thread when you know more.

[Brendan82]

Not much has happened since my last post. I am still in limbo for the most part. I haven’t been able to find any hard evidence of an affair. Although I now believe that something has defiantly happened I just don’t know if it’s still happing.

 

I gave my PI the number I found and asked him to look into. It turns out the number does belong to another man who lives about 10-15 minutes from my wife’s old job. As of now I have his full name and address. I still don’t know if he is married or single but I should have that info soon.

 

I find myself struggling with this more each and ever other day. Coping with all of this is turning out to be a lot harder then I thought. I've haven't been able to sleep or eat for the most part. The mood swings are what's really killing me. One minute I am extremely angry and ready to snap. Then a feeling of extreme sadness takes over. I really can't much more of this.

[drifter777]

Have you had the PI keeping tabs on her as of now?

[dreamingoftigers]

I hate to interject here, kind of.... because it seems as though she is stepping out on you.

 

 

However, I have ADD, and erm (this is embarrassing) I am CHRONICALLY LATE. For practically everything.

 

 

It's quite bad, and embarrassing. If I have one workplace flaw, that is it. I work in real estate and my boss is extremely flexible.

 

 

However, on the weekend, the partner's assistant broke her wrist and had to have surgery with pins and everything put in. So tomorrow, I will be starting at the other office. I will be required to be on time every single day, no messing around. I am internally petrified. I am telling myself that my shift starts 2 hours before it actually does. I have my meds laid out exactly where I know to look and not forget them in the morning. Obvious place too.

 

 

If I had a job that had a late issue (and most do, which is why I worked for myself for years) and was very unhappy in it, I might call a friend or coworker and bitch incessantly.

 

 

Frankly I have a clergy member that accepts my calls far too frequently for his own good over the last six months while I have dealt with crisis after stupid crisis. He has been very good about it. Very very good about it.

 

 

There is NOTHING WEIRD going on there (oh jeez, really nothing inappropriate). In fact, I really like his wife, I would rather go shopping with her than bawl to him about the latest issue that he could assist me with. I have had a lot of help and support from my church. They are seriously a miracle to me. And it is VERY VERY hard for me to ask for help, and I have HAD to. (It has been a REALLY BAD six months. Like, I am really starting to wonder "what's next? When do I get on the other side of this?")

 

 

If she is unhappy and having trouble coping, it is entirely possible that she might be accessing support. Perhaps, ...... in another week or two, if nothing else suspicious turns up, you may want to..... ask her?

[lolablue17]

Please keep us updated.

 

It's never easy, But I think that the nightmare you're going through now, is only a small part of what you could have gone through if you found out immediately in one hit. You got yourself a lot of advantages, you take now for granted.

 

You have time to grieve, to process, to go through all the stages but in a partial intensity. You also have to feeling of power now because you're the one who is in control, and also you got the chance to control the timing. These things are very meaningful.

 

Yes, it's sad, yes, it frustrating... But you can feel good that you found out, and have time and opportunity to investigate, things that other don't always get.