My wife had an affair, I forgave, but cant get over it.

[wish-i-knew]

I dont wanna go back to it, but my wife ended her affair in october.

I decided to forgive, but I cant forget. I feel so small. He was way richer, wich means, nice car always well dressed, taking her to nice restaurants, he has his own business, so he boss people around, while I cant afford good clothes, eat out, I am bossed around at work, average car,etc...

I just cant quit thinking about it. All day long, I think of how everything I do, she would be comparing to how it would be with him. The comparison is always bad on my side.

I am starting to hate her, even tho she is working hard on making it work.

But I always keep thinking she just wants to not fight and have a calm life until she graduates and can aford to live on her own.

 

What should I do?

 

 

Why are you comparing yourself to the OM? We are all individuals. You obviously have special qualities that make your wife want to be with YOU.

 

I know some people are motivated by money, but for most woman, I'm not sure that that is true.

 

For example, my friends and I always say, we would prefer our guys to pick us a bunch of wild flowers, which they put thought and effort into, rather than an easily purchased 12 dozen long stemmed roses from a florist.

 

I know not all women are the same, but is the comparison to the OM real, or just something YOU think of, rather than something your wife believes?

[sandylee1]

I honestly do not get your confusion. I get that you might have a hard time seeing how a married couple would invite someone else into their bed, but I say to each their own. Think about this, replace the word "cuckold" with something else. Let us say, spanking..hard spanking. Let us say at first this guys wife was real into letting him spank her hard. As time went on, she really wasn't into anymore and did not want to do it. Now if the guy in this situation was bitching and moaning or trying to pressure her into letting him spank him some more, people would jump on him for being a bad husband. If he said "well she let me do it before" they would say "well she changed her mind now, and doesn't want to do it".

 

Isn't it that simple? Whatever sexual act you want to talk about, if both partners agree to do it then it's kosher. If one of them decides they aren't comfortable with it anymore, then you stop. That seems simple to me.

 

 

I think when other human beings outside the marriage become involved, it isn't that simple IMO. We are not inanimate objects and feelings develop.

 

Why push your spouse into it, when they didn't want to do it?

 

OP - I have to say this puts a whole other view on it. You bring a third party into your bed and you take a risk. If I pushed my H into taking a girlfriend, then he developed feelings for her, I would truly only have myself to blame.

[road]

Regret, why did the affair end?

[TrustedthenBusted]

boy..that changes things

 

Yep. You let a vampire into your house, someone is gonna get bit.

[drifter777]

I honestly do not get your confusion. I get that you might have a hard time seeing how a married couple would invite someone else into their bed, but I say to each their own. Think about this, replace the word "cuckold" with something else. Let us say, spanking..hard spanking. Let us say at first this guys wife was real into letting him spank her hard. As time went on, she really wasn't into anymore and did not want to do it. Now if the guy in this situation was bitching and moaning or trying to pressure her into letting him spank him some more, people would jump on him for being a bad husband. If he said "well she let me do it before" they would say "well she changed her mind now, and doesn't want to do it".

 

Isn't it that simple? Whatever sexual act you want to talk about, if both partners agree to do it then it's kosher. If one of them decides they aren't comfortable with it anymore, then you stop. That seems simple to me. One time I drank nothing but chocolate milk for a week straight, and after that I just got sick of drinking it, I didn't want to drink it anymore.

 

There is a golden rule when it comes to swinging or cuckolding or whatever else is out there: both partners have to be on board. If one partner isn't and the other does it anyways..it is cheating. You might say "well how can you blame them if they encouraged it?" but the thing is, if "they encouraged it once" is a valid excuse, why isn't "he also stopped encouraging it once too" valid?

 

If you do these things and one partner wants to stop and the other is not cool with that..that is when you have a discussion about the state of the marriage. But cheating is still cheating unless you have permission to do it. But the thing about getting permission for something is it doesn't mean you get permission for all time, sometimes permission can be taken away. Would you not expect an adult to understand these things?

 

There's a simple example that, to me, shoots your suggestion full of holes.

 

My reconciliation and attempts to forgive are literally stopped dead by mind-movies of her having all kinds of nasty sex with OM. They are horrible disgusting, intrusive visions that crash into my brain. If WW and I had done the swinging and/or cuckold thing then I would have seen - and enjoyed - watching her have sex with other guys. We wouldn't be doing that if I didn't get off on it - the visuals and the very idea of it. So if we agreed to stop the swinging/cuckolding thing for whatever reason, if she continued behind my back it would be cheating. I'd have to deal with all sorts of emotions related to her betrayal - the lying, the disrespect of breaking our agreement, and destruction of trust. But the visual's of her with OM would likely not bother me at all. Maybe those mind-movies would actually be a silver lining to the whole thing.

 

Its nothing like agreeing to spanking or anal and then she told him it didn't do it for her and she refused to do it anymore. This kind of thing is typical in most sexual relationships. Cuckolding? Not so much...

[GoBlue]

Recovering from an affair is one of the hardest things in life. I personally believe that is is harder than losing your spouse in death. It is very difficult to travel the road of recovery without help. The very first thing I would do is to look into the possibility of an intensive counseling program. There are lots available but one of the best is through an organization called The National Institute of Marriage. You can Google them or send me a private message for more information. There are two books I want to mention as well: Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by James Dobson and Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity by Gary and Pam Shriver. Healing and transformation will not come without intentionality. The good news is that when two partners are determined to recover their marriage is often way better than it ever was prior to the affair. There is hope! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Recovering from an affair is one of the hardest things in life. I personally believe that is is harder than losing your spouse in death.

 

There was a point early on when the thought of my wife dying, even by suicide made me feel as if my primary response would be RELIEF over sadness.

 

Not vengence... just relief. THAT'S how messed up cheating is.

[regret143]

You are going to get a lot of people who tell you to divorce. I am not ( yet ) one of them.

 

Need a lot more information first.

 

Divorce was filed? When? Why? By whom? Was this prior to D-Day? After? During? Because of the affair? Unrelated?

 

---During, because of a fight we had, because of the affair.

 

What contact do you have with OM, and can you verify her story? How is her relationship with the kids? Were they the thing that brought reality back to her?

 

---I have many clues that she is not lying. Cant be 100% sure, but it is a safer bet.

 

You are in a very tough spot, and I feel for you. Does she work with this guy? Is he much older than you? Need more details to make an informed decision.

 

--- No she does not work with him, she used to bowling in the same team, but I made her quit. He is younger than me.

 

All I can say now is that I understand how difficult it is to split up your family, so hang in there until you feel settled enough to make some real decisions.

 

Thanks for everything!

[regret143]

Some of us never get over infidelity and staying and leaving are both right decisions. It's up to you to decide which of these are best for you. The best way to decide is not by what she tells you but by what she shows you. Much of what comes out of her mouth right now is bullsh*t, bullsh*t, bullsh*t and is about damage control. Do not let her rug sweep this or you can expect more of the same the next time she thinks she can get away with it.

 

There is a chance that she dumped O/M but there is probably a better chance that when you started divorce procedures against her she and all her baggage became available, she was no longer his free piece on the side, not at all what he was expecting. She must of thought she was more than a piece on the side for him, her new reality didn't leave her too many options. One requirement of reconciliation needs to be counselling for her, she needs to know why she felt so entitled to have an affair. Last thing you need is to have this happen again. Without professional help she's still broken no different than a car that has broken parts, how can you feel safe taking a long trip in a car you have no confidence in?

 

---I dont think he dumped her when I started divorce procedures, because he left his wife, and rented an appartment far from his job and family, but close to her college. He even told his xwife the reason he moved so far.

 

Ask her for a written timeline of all and every event that occurred, how, when, where, how long, who knew about her affair yet didn't tell you or worse encouraged her, these people are not friends of the marriage. There can be no secrets between her and O/M, you need to know everything so you can decide if they are still a team because if he is still on her mind there is very little room for you.

 

---I know mostly everything already.

 

She may be legit, after all you did file for divorce and that could be what it took to bring her back to reality. Not talking about it and trying to sweep it under the rug is not remorse. You may be having doubts because her actions are telling you that she is not fully committed or remorseful. Make her do the work and fix herself because you will not go on this long journey with someone who is broken. You deserve 100% from her and not the 50% you have been getting because O/M has no place in your life with her. Accept nothing less. Sometimes you just can't get over the feeling that your sanctuary has been tainted.

 

---She is seeing a psychiatrist already

 

 

Thank you!!

[regret143]

I honestly do not get your confusion. I get that you might have a hard time seeing how a married couple would invite someone else into their bed, but I say to each their own. Think about this, replace the word "cuckold" with something else. Let us say, spanking..hard spanking. Let us say at first this guys wife was real into letting him spank her hard. As time went on, she really wasn't into anymore and did not want to do it. Now if the guy in this situation was bitching and moaning or trying to pressure her into letting him spank him some more, people would jump on him for being a bad husband. If he said "well she let me do it before" they would say "well she changed her mind now, and doesn't want to do it".

 

Isn't it that simple? Whatever sexual act you want to talk about, if both partners agree to do it then it's kosher. If one of them decides they aren't comfortable with it anymore, then you stop. That seems simple to me. One time I drank nothing but chocolate milk for a week straight, and after that I just got sick of drinking it, I didn't want to drink it anymore.

 

There is a golden rule when it comes to swinging or cuckolding or whatever else is out there: both partners have to be on board. If one partner isn't and the other does it anyways..it is cheating. You might say "well how can you blame them if they encouraged it?" but the thing is, if "they encouraged it once" is a valid excuse, why isn't "he also stopped encouraging it once too" valid?

 

If you do these things and one partner wants to stop and the other is not cool with that..that is when you have a discussion about the state of the marriage. But cheating is still cheating unless you have permission to do it. But the thing about getting permission for something is it doesn't mean you get permission for all time, sometimes permission can be taken away. Would you not expect an adult to understand these things?

 

Thank you. That is exactly why I didnt bring it up on this topic: People will judge me for that.

EA and PA are different things. Me and my wife always had it very separated and none of us had an EA, but had sexual contact with other people, usually together.

One thing should not invalidate the wrongfulness of the other.

Honestly I felt very uncomfortable being told on, as if I was cheating on the group of people that are providing support and advice.

[regret143]

There was a point early on when the thought of my wife dying, even by suicide made me feel as if my primary response would be RELIEF over sadness.

 

Not vengence... just relief. THAT'S how messed up cheating is.

 

I have had the same exact feeling, not far long ago. And she is very vocal about doing it, when we argue and she gets really depressed.

[regret143]

What should you do?

 

 

You should communicate with your wife.

 

 

She chose you!

 

 

Not the POSOM.

 

 

Ask her why she chose you.

Ask her what her plans are when she graduates.

Tell her what your fears are.

 

--- Already tried. She has serious issues facing her problems, she panics. So you can picture it: If she thinks we are late to pay a bill, she wont check the mail box, so she doesnt have to see the bill/letter.

 

Then ask how she plans to fix herself and then the marriage.

--- Same issue

 

You will begin to realize the affair had very little to do with you and more to do with your wife.

 

 

Money never guarantees happiness. Never.

--- Lack of money makes her REALLY uncomfortable, like the late bill example, she never checks our acct balance, with fear of being low, so she just go to the store and pretend we have money...

 

Communicate with your wife then see how you begin to feel.

 

 

HM

 

Thanks!!

 

.

[JS84]

Not sure if this question was already answered but are you positive she is the one who ended it??? Or is that just what she told you??

[atreides]

she was ready to move in with him, divorce was filed, she dumped him and asked to stay.

she is trying to be sweet and not bitchy how she used to be about house chores, she is doing good. It could be better, but there is effort.

 

I had to stop reading at this... i apologize if i am now out of context with this post.

 

Please, doing good? House chores having nothing to do with the real work she needs to do to earn you back, like owning the A, searching for why and what broke inside her, earning you back by validation of whatever rules you set for the break of trust, transparency and on and on. Nothing to do with,"it's time to take out the garbage."

[Spectre]

There's a simple example that, to me, shoots your suggestion full of holes.

 

My reconciliation and attempts to forgive are literally stopped dead by mind-movies of her having all kinds of nasty sex with OM. They are horrible disgusting, intrusive visions that crash into my brain. If WW and I had done the swinging and/or cuckold thing then I would have seen - and enjoyed - watching her have sex with other guys. We wouldn't be doing that if I didn't get off on it - the visuals and the very idea of it. So if we agreed to stop the swinging/cuckolding thing for whatever reason, if she continued behind my back it would be cheating. I'd have to deal with all sorts of emotions related to her betrayal - the lying, the disrespect of breaking our agreement, and destruction of trust. But the visual's of her with OM would likely not bother me at all. Maybe those mind-movies would actually be a silver lining to the whole thing.

 

Its nothing like agreeing to spanking or anal and then she told him it didn't do it for her and she refused to do it anymore. This kind of thing is typical in most sexual relationships. Cuckolding? Not so much...

 

But we are still at a point of, they had an agreement to do something, and then he made it clear he didn't want it to happen anymore. If the woman still couldn't stop herself and can't control herself, that is when divorce happens. She can't say "well he let me do it once". I don't care what they were doing, swinging, cuckolding, anything. No means no. What happened that line of thought? No means no. He told her no, she did not oblige. It is that simple. Is she an adult? Okay then, she could of chose to oblige.

 

If we are dealing with children who can't keep their emotions in check, that is something entirely different. But then, children shouldn't be in marriages anyways, so it still means this should end. But no, I still can't put all the blame on the husband. He put the gun in her hand, he sure as f*ck did not make her pull the trigger every single time though.

[Janedoh]

Hey, I'm new here and haven't posted before, but your situation is similar to mine and thought I'd chime in as the WW in recovery from an affair I had that ended around the same time. My DH and I have been working hard at understanding why it happened, open communication, rigorous honesty, and restoring trust, seeking forgiveness. I'll post our whole story soon, but for now I'll just say one similarity is my DH's extreme difficulty getting past his preoccupation with comparing himself to my AP. They are very different in a lot of ways, and he has really struggled with wondering how important AP's traits that he doesn't possess are to me and feeling the need on his part to try and offer me whatever it was about the affair or AP that made it worth it to me to betray him. It was really frustrating for both of us, because I genuinely do not want my DH to change or be like AP. I wonder if I speak at all for your WW when I say that after much thought and analyzation, I really think that it was the thrill of the affair itself, more than any particular quality of my AP. Since AP and I didn't have to live together, share responsibilities and depend on one another for anything except casual fun, it was a no-pressure relationship, where I basked in the attention of a man who saw only the parts of me I wanted to be seen.

In the end, it speaks far more about my own insecurities and weaknesses than anything lacking in my DH. I never once thought, "I wish DH could be more like AP." And as stupid and delusional as I was to go through with betraying my DH during that time, I was always aware that if AP and I pursued a real relationship, the excitement and attraction would fade and dissolve and we'd never work well together as partners the way my DH and I always had up to that point.

We've been in counseling since October, and we have made progress, but while still trying to maintain our jobs, parent our child together, etc, the pace is slow and sometimes discouraging. But we can see that we are slowly but surely getting closer to peace and we're optimistic that with continued work, honesty and openness, we can get there.

I hope that with time and continued effort, you can save your marriage too. If you both truly want it, and you are committed to trying to heal, I believe it is possible. I'm so sorry for your heartache and hope you find the peace you deserve.

[aliveagain]

She may have found her affair thrilling and at the time had very little sympathy for the pain it caused you. The worst thing that can happen to you is you divorce her for bringing this hurt into your life. What I can tell you regardless of how this turns out, there is a very big world out there, you will survive this. You didn't start this but you control the outcome so don't be afraid to be selfish, this is about your life after all. If you do decide to divorce prepare yourself for the thrill of what single life will bring. Do not ever compromise yourself again, no one that can bring that kind of pain into your life is worth that kind of compromise. Decide on what is best for you and no one else, your time for thrills my friend.