Mrs. John Adams Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 I keep thinking he is only 4 months out....4 months is a very short time. They need to be in counseling, they need to be deep in discussions, they need to be figuring out if they even want to attempt reconciliation or head straight for the divorce. You don't "get over" an affair in 4 years much less 4 months! There is a whole of work to be done here...and they both need to figure out if they think it is worth the time and effort. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 I really do not think most here are advocating Divorce... You sure? I mean, I'm paraphrasing a bit here but.... CarrieT - it is time to divorce because you will drag it around your neck like a millstone Simon Phoenix - If you can't get over it, don't. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for a lot of people. If it is for you, then end it. No Limit - Your marriage is over. Simon Phoenix - You can still be a good father without being married to the mother. You can do more damage to your children by staying in a relationship like that than you can by divorcing. badkarma2013 - As far as 3-5 years of self doubt,self esteem issues, Endless insecurities and the feeling of being lost ...If that is R then you can bloody well keep it... Mal78 - Perhaps you should beat her to the punch....These thoughts of feeling inferior to her lover will never change because even if he is long gone the thoughts for you will be that is what she is attracted to. A alpha male. Friskyone4u - No Limit had it right. You are Plan B ...My advice is to see an attorney now 4 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) You sure? I mean, I'm paraphrasing a bit here but.... CarrieT - it is time to divorce because you will drag it around your neck like a millstone Simon Phoenix - If you can't get over it, don't. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for a lot of people. If it is for you, then end it. No Limit - Your marriage is over. Simon Phoenix - You can still be a good father without being married to the mother. You can do more damage to your children by staying in a relationship like that than you can by divorcing. badkarma2013 - As far as 3-5 years of self doubt,self esteem issues, Endless insecurities and the feeling of being lost ...If that is R then you can bloody well keep it... Mal78 - Perhaps you should beat her to the punch....These thoughts of feeling inferior to her lover will never change because even if he is long gone the thoughts for you will be that is what she is attracted to. A alpha male. Friskyone4u - No Limit had it right. You are Plan B ...My advice is to see an attorney now ***************************************************************** Ok I some what concede the point...Most of us who advocate for him to look in that direction or have a difficult time pushing Reconciliation is because we see such a huge failure Rate for R ...seems to be much higher for a BH... Simon Phoenix I think put it best: You can still be a good father without being married to the mother. You can do more damage to your children by staying in a relationship like that than you can by divorcing. We are All wounded here..some are still in pain from D-DAY..If we sometimes give flawed advice ..it is either because we want so bad to warn others what we have seen and lived,,,or it is because ,in the aftermath of our WSs Affair,...WE are flawed ourselves... Edited February 25, 2015 by badkarma2013 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 and each situation is different.... when my husband joined another website...30 years after my affair they told him to divorce me..... We can offer our own situations as examples but we cannot really "tell" others what to do. We support them in whatever decision they make. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Ok I some what concede the point...Most of us who advocate for him to look in that direction or have a difficult time pushing Reconciliation is because we see such a huge failure Rate for R ...seems to be much higher for a BH... Understood. And makes sense. And I don't necessarily think anyone should be "pushing" R, but I do think when a new poster who is trying to R comes here looking for support, it is very difficult on them to get bombarded with " Don't Waste Your Time!" Because what had been evidenced repeatedly on here is a glut of folks who DID NOT get divorced, telling someone else THEY should. You address this somewhat below: We are All wounded here..some are still in pain from D-DAY..If we sometimes give flawed advice ..it is either because we want so bad to warn others what we have seen and lived,,,or it is because ,in the aftermath of our WSs Affair,...WE are flawed ourselves... Now I completely understand this as well, but look at what is "actually" happening when someone who has stayed, gives the contrary advice to someone else. This is basically someone saying " I stay because My reasons ( usually children ) are more important than yours ( again, usually children ) Same really goes the other way to. "I left, so YOU should leave too." I see this a lot, and often directed at someone who came here looking for support of their R. I think many of us on here could do with a bigger dose of listening, rather than just waiting for another chance to shout "Dump the B!tch!" at someone who is still reeling. that's all. Same with the folks who always use graphic terms and imagery when talking about someone else's WS. I mean honestly...like they need any MORE mental imagery to deal with? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 What made her change her mind since she had the divorce papers filed and ready to move out? Was it the kids? If this is really eating you up inside you may need to have another talk with her. Ask her if this is what she really wants since you are not confident that she wants to stay. Just prepare yourself if she gives you an answer you're not looking to hear. If she's really unhappy and trying to buy herself time (with you until she finished school) than you may have to let her go. Wishing you the best! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) Posted by TrustedthenBusted:I think many of us on here could do with a bigger dose of listening, rather than just waiting for another chance to shout "Dump the B!tch!" at someone who is still reeling. that's all. ******************************************************************* I agree..I can only answer as most here do from their own experiances and opinions on Infidelity ...for those of us advocate .".kill everyone and burn the village to the ground".....We need to take a breath and understand THIS ONE isnt about ME...Someones life is about to self destruct ...and they need advice and help... Mrs Adams has help me to see ( as well as fellini)...there are other ways..though they would never work for me....They Can and Do work for others... At times..the old pain will return to me while here...And Now I do realize I can come on very strong..Thank You for all who have taken the time to speak to me softly and show me the other avenues of life.... Badkarma Edited February 25, 2015 by badkarma2013 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 As posters we just need to remember that not every situation is just like ours. Use your story as an example but don't preach that it is the only way to handle every other situation. Reconciliation was right for us....but i certainly see where divorce is the right answer for others....i am not sure that most people would wait around thirty years for remorse. I thank john every day for not giving up on me. I just want to be here to support others in whatever decisions they make. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 As posters we just need to remember that not every situation is just like ours. Use your story as an example but don't preach that it is the only way to handle every other situation. Reconciliation was right for us....but i certainly see where divorce is the right answer for others....i am not sure that most people would wait around thirty years for remorse. I thank john every day for not giving up on me. I just want to be here to support others in whatever decisions they make. LOL Mrs. Adams me either... 30 years is a while... We have to smile sometimes... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Use your story as an example but don't preach that it is the only way to handle every other situation. Exactly. Because let's be honest... none of us got it right either! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Exactly! We all did what we think was best for us...and we just need to be here to listen and help in any way we can without making the person feel like they are being attacked! My goodness...we all have hurt...why cause more???? Anyway.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 and each situation is different.... when my husband joined another website...30 years after my affair they told him to divorce me..... We can offer our own situations as examples but we cannot really "tell" others what to do. We support them in whatever decision they make. I agree. Every situation is different, but so often people on LA go straight for the jugular and suggest divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 If you read the book "Not Just Friends" , a very popular boo on infidelity, it states that divorce is more likely when the WS is a woman because she is usually checked out of the marriage before the PA actually even begins . It certainly seems like this wife was checked out to the point where she was planning her future with her AP. Then all of a suede she's all in for r. Highly unlikely that if her AP was still available she would have this remarkable change. It is not rushing to D to advise the OP he faces an immense struggle if he stays. Especially when he really is not sure her affair is over. All he knows is she says it is as if her credibility is great right now Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) I'm not sure if others know your back story here - you encouraged her to take a lover. You were in to the cuckold thing. I guess that once you told her to quit screwing other guys and she agreed then screwing other guys becomes infidelity. But the cuckold part of this confuses me so much I can't empathize with your situation. I hope you can co-parent with her for the sake of your children. Edited February 25, 2015 by drifter777 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Thanks for sharing that drifter...I did not know the story...my bad. I don't understand either I will confess....and i don't want to judge. He is still in pain regardless...and i don't like to see anyone hurting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I'm not sure if others know your back story here - you encouraged her to take a lover. You were in to the cuckold thing. I guess that once you told her to quit screwing other guys and she agreed then screwing other guys becomes infidelity. But the cuckold part of this confuses me so much I can't empathize with your situation. I hope you can co-parent with her for the sake of your children. Aahh. I didn't realise that the OP encouraged his wife to take a lover. That makes a helluva difference. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Me and my wife always had a very liberal lifestyle. We had other people in our bed, and some other things. Six months ago, I pushed her into "cuckolding me" and taking a boyfriend. At the same time we started to have trouble at home, and we decided to stop her thing with that guy. We continued to have trouble, so she start to see him again.* When I brought the divorce papers home, she told me she was not seeing him anymore, and we should try again. Should I try or just go ahead with divorce? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------'------------------------------------------------------------ You pushed her into it by your own admission. Sometimes feelings develop and that's the risk you run with being a cuckold. Maybe she's regretting giving in to you and feels annoyed with herself. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 boy..that changes things 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Do you think she will bring you happiness in the future? Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Dude, she was ready to move in with this guy? Come on now, why the hell did you forgive this woman? Just from what you described, this went on for a while if she was experiencing all these nice things. I think that is MESSED UP. Sex is one thing, but she's letting him treat her to all these things that you probably could not afford to do. I think that would really make any man lose any self confidence they had. I honestly think that is what happened to you. I think you need to divorce, you forgive her initially because I think what she did just hit you so hard a part of you was numb. I think that now that numbness is going away and you are starting to realize how messed up what she did is. Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Posted by Spectre: Sex is one thing, but she's letting him treat her to all these things that you probably could not afford to do. I think that would really make any man lose any self confidence they had. I honestly think that is what happened to you. I will admit it would cause me immense angst...Dont think I could recover from that one either...But that is me.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I'm not sure if others know your back story here - you encouraged her to take a lover. You were in to the cuckold thing. I guess that once you told her to quit screwing other guys and she agreed then screwing other guys becomes infidelity. But the cuckold part of this confuses me so much I can't empathize with your situation. I hope you can co-parent with her for the sake of your children. I honestly do not get your confusion. I get that you might have a hard time seeing how a married couple would invite someone else into their bed, but I say to each their own. Think about this, replace the word "cuckold" with something else. Let us say, spanking..hard spanking. Let us say at first this guys wife was real into letting him spank her hard. As time went on, she really wasn't into anymore and did not want to do it. Now if the guy in this situation was bitching and moaning or trying to pressure her into letting him spank him some more, people would jump on him for being a bad husband. If he said "well she let me do it before" they would say "well she changed her mind now, and doesn't want to do it". Isn't it that simple? Whatever sexual act you want to talk about, if both partners agree to do it then it's kosher. If one of them decides they aren't comfortable with it anymore, then you stop. That seems simple to me. One time I drank nothing but chocolate milk for a week straight, and after that I just got sick of drinking it, I didn't want to drink it anymore. There is a golden rule when it comes to swinging or cuckolding or whatever else is out there: both partners have to be on board. If one partner isn't and the other does it anyways..it is cheating. You might say "well how can you blame them if they encouraged it?" but the thing is, if "they encouraged it once" is a valid excuse, why isn't "he also stopped encouraging it once too" valid? If you do these things and one partner wants to stop and the other is not cool with that..that is when you have a discussion about the state of the marriage. But cheating is still cheating unless you have permission to do it. But the thing about getting permission for something is it doesn't mean you get permission for all time, sometimes permission can be taken away. Would you not expect an adult to understand these things? Link to post Share on other sites
Cedar27 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I dont wanna go back to it, but my wife ended her affair in october. I decided to forgive, but I cant forget. I feel so small. He was way richer, wich means, nice car always well dressed, taking her to nice restaurants, he has his own business, so he boss people around, while I cant afford good clothes, eat out, I am bossed around at work, average car,etc... I just cant quit thinking about it. All day long, I think of how everything I do, she would be comparing to how it would be with him. The comparison is always bad on my side. I am starting to hate her, even tho she is working hard on making it work. But I always keep thinking she just wants to not fight and have a calm life until she graduates and can aford to live on her own. What should I do? Read Michelle Weiner Davis and go to the divorce busting forums. It is a GREAT site for people struggling with infidelity and marriage problems. If you want to try to make this thing work, i'd get an experienced marriage FRIENDLY therapist. When I say friendly I mean one that understands the importance of keeping marriages in tact whenever possible. I'm not going to sit here and say you will make it work, but try as hard as you can before you throw in the towel. Your wife seems to be making a lot of effort, which is something. If after all of that, it still doesn't work. At least you tried your hardest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 What should you do? You should communicate with your wife. She chose you! Not the POSOM. Ask her why she chose you. Ask her what her plans are when she graduates. Tell her what your fears are. Then ask how she plans to fix herself and then the marriage. You will begin to realize the affair had very little to do with you and more to do with your wife. Money never guarantees happiness. Never. Communicate with your wife then see how you begin to feel. HM Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 How is he plan B? She decided to stay- or did I miss something- did the OM dump her? I think you just need time- experts say 3-5 years and at the start of this I would have never believed it but now 2 years in I do- I think the trauma and self doubt lingers for a lot longer than any of us would have imagined or hoped-hang in there- I'm not saying your wrong but if I have to live my life for 3, 4 or 5 years with me always having that thought of her cheating in my head, any one of a thousand things triggering a mind movie of her with another guy, loss of sleep, and not being able to function like a normal person for the simple fact that she couldn't keep her legs together then someone needs to have the bums rush out of that house and I start from scratch. Sorry. It's not worth it especially when it wasn't your fault 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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