Vasectomy during R.

[toolforgrowth]

remove the A and women would be slamming you for this maneuver. AND they are separate.

 

^^ this.

 

Look, I get where you're coming from. My xW cheated on me too, and I know the desire to get your control back is overwhelming. But there are other less drastic ways to do that than this.

 

You can always wear condoms. You can get her on birth control (if she isn't already) and physically watch her take the pill every day. You can even put a moratorium on sex with her until you are comfortable resuming, and then use the double protection. But getting a V is a life-altering event. Yes, they can be reversed, but there's no guarantee they'll be successful. You are not in the right state of mind to make this decision, and you are going into it with all the wrong motives.

 

It's true, I have never once regretted my V. But that's because I went into it in calm circumstances after having a significant amount of time to mull it over...well over a year. I don't think you're there yet.

[Mal78]

I don't really see the problem with a guy getting a V done and not telling the wife beforehand (although I guess afterwards exlplaining would do in case he doesn't want to use condoms anymore). If he's done with having children, why not?

 

Your right. Your body, your choice. Same with if wife decided to have an abortion and not tell her husband.

[fellini]

I think there are two issues, related, but not exactly the same.

 

A guy who is deciding to do a V has a moral obligation, having entered into a union with another person, to tell that person if it is going to have an effect on their future. I think being sterile fits the bill.

 

The other issue is if the guy wants to go ahead and have the V regardless of the wishes of his partner, then yes, his body, his choice, but all he really needs to do, after discussing his choice, and if he doesn't get tacit agreement from SO, is to say, "Thank you for your imput, I'm going ahead anyhow."

 

I wish this were equally true for woman who wish to abort, but find themselves in court with their "husband" attempting to issue a restraining order to keep her from aborting. I understand that there are laws in some places which actually allow this.

 

Doing it behind the back of your spouse, merely because you hold a "my body myself" attitude speaks volumes about the marriage and trust within it, IMHO.

 

 

 

 

I don't really see the problem with a guy getting a V done and not telling the wife beforehand (although I guess afterwards exlplaining would do in case he doesn't want to use condoms anymore). If he's done with having children, why not?

Edited February 16, 2015 by fellini

[Selfish]

Your right. Your body, your choice. Same with if wife decided to have an abortion and not tell her husband.

 

Same goes for cheating I guess to. Your body your choice. Nothing wrong with that right?

 

Oh wait. There is.

 

And before anyonr throws out the sti line remember this. You are saying that the health risk is what makes the affair wrong.

 

I stand by my words. Haveing an A or a V behind your spouse's back is deceptive and wrong.

[Mal78]

Same goes for cheating I guess to. Your body your choice. Nothing wrong with that right?

 

Oh wait. There is.

 

And before anyonr throws out the sti line remember this. You are saying that the health risk is what makes the affair wrong.

 

I stand by my words. Haveing an A or a V behind your spouse's back is deceptive and wrong.

 

I agree. I was trying to make the very point. Partners are just that, when making life changing decisions it's only wise (and natural in my opinion) to discuss these things with your spouse.

 

Anything otherwise is deceptive.

[MJJean]

I agree. I was trying to make the very point. Partners are just that, when making life changing decisions it's only wise (and natural in my opinion) to discuss these things with your spouse.

 

Anything otherwise is deceptive.

 

Yes, but there is a difference between asking permission and informing a spouse that a decision has been made.

 

I don't think one should need to gain permission to make any medical decisions, but it is only right that the other party be informed before the surgery and be given a chance to give their support or try to change the outcome.

[TrustedthenBusted]

OP, i have read some of your other threads and felt you were a level headed, reasonable person.

 

you made a life altering decision (just like she did with A) without her input. oh wait, you did give her the passive aggressive: i want X now tell me why i can't. i presume to hold it over her head the rest of her life.

 

Remove the A and women would be slamming you for this maneuver. AND they are separate.

 

Ah, I can see where you'd get this, but honestly, nothing could be further from the truth. There are several threads on here about forgiveness, and to me, that means NOT holding this over her head for ever. So my V was most certainly not done in any way as a strike against her.

 

The thing was...that's how SHE initially took it. And that's the odd thing, because prior to D-Day we had always discussed it as the most sensible solution for us, and I was the one who was always too chicken to go in and get it done.

 

All the affair did, for me, was make me think about what a V would mean if my wife and I divorced, which was something I hadn't ever really considered prior. I knew WE were done having children, but I never gave any thought to whether I'd ever want more kids with someone else. I mean...why would I even think about that, right? And then, BAM!.

 

But she introduced that dynamic, not me. I only added it to my decision making criteria.

[Selfish]

Ah, I can see where you'd get this, but honestly, nothing could be further from the truth. There are several threads on here about forgiveness, and to me, that means NOT holding this over her head for ever. So my V was most certainly not done in any way as a strike against her.

 

The thing was...that's how SHE initially took it. And that's the odd thing, because prior to D-Day we had always discussed it as the most sensible solution for us, and I was the one who was always too chicken to go in and get it done.

 

All the affair did, for me, was make me think about what a V would mean if my wife and I divorced, which was something I hadn't ever really considered prior. I knew WE were done having children, but I never gave any thought to whether I'd ever want more kids with someone else. I mean...why would I even think about that, right? And then, BAM!.

 

But she introduced that dynamic, not me. I only added it to my decision making criteria.

 

It isn't really hard to believe she took it personally. Nor is it really as evil as the witch hunters would like to believe.

 

Think about it. Post dday the ws is often on notice. At any moment they could lose their chance at reconciliation. It is their own fault but that doesnt make the fear any less (probably worse). So while the WS maybe the one we always talk about being under the microscope so is the BS. But in a "are they gonna call it quits" way. You may say it is wrong or selfish thinking but it is a natural reaction. It is hard to combat. I was afraid whenever I peeved my husband off that that would be it. I looked for signs of him being done. Even if we had discussed V before discussing is different than doing. Had he decided during r to finally get the job done I would have connected it to my affair. Because everything becomes about that affair. You reminded your wife of the plan and her rational thinking took over. Her emotions calmed.

 

Think about a none hot topic of infidelity. Say a couple discussed to get a v after a certain age. And then after that age the marriage is having other difficulties. If the v comes up it could easily become emotionally.

[Mal78]

Yes, but there is a difference between asking permission and informing a spouse that a decision has been made.

 

I don't think one should need to gain permission to make any medical decisions, but it is only right that the other party be informed before the surgery and be given a chance to give their support or try to change the outcome.

 

Oh gosh yes, I agree. When I decided I didn't want my four boys circumcised (even though my H is) I certainly didn't ask his permission. I informed him sure but ultimately it was my decision...

[beatcuff]

I don't think one should need to gain permission to make any medical decisions

 

running with that --- so either spouse can 'sterilize' and the other has to accept it?

[goodyblue]

I don't really see the problem with a guy getting a V done and not telling the wife beforehand (although I guess afterwards exlplaining would do in case he doesn't want to use condoms anymore). If he's done with having children, why not?

 

Umm... a woman in tje late 80's had a bunch of kids... i can't remember now, but when she had the last, she secretly had her tubes tied. Her husband went to.the hospital and held people hostage looking for her dr. to kill him. They actually made a movie of the week about it. Just saying you.should probably discuss it beforehand.