Vasectomy during R.

[amaysngrace]

My exH got his V after we had our daughter. I already have two sons.

 

We divorced, he remarried and must not have ever told her that he is done having babies.

 

She had a nursery all set up and everything for a few years.

[Selfish]

My exH got his V after we had our daughter. I already have two sons.

 

We divorced, he remarried and must not have ever told her that he is done having babies.

 

She had a nursery all set up and everything for a few years.

 

That is just sad and conflict avoident.

[amaysngrace]

That is just sad and conflict avoident.

 

Yea I'm not sure about conflict avoiding but he's definitely a liar, especially by omission.

 

They're getting a divorce now too so I guess it's for the best. He's not much of a Dad...or a human being either.

[Selfish]

Yea I'm not sure about conflict avoiding but he's definitely a liar, especially by omission.

 

They're getting a divorce now too so I guess it's for the best. He's not much of a Dad...or a human being either.

 

Well by conflict avoidant I mean he probably knew telling would cause a conflict so he avoided it by keeping silent.

[amaysngrace]

Well by conflict avoidant I mean he probably knew telling would cause a conflict so he avoided it by keeping silent.

 

He's manipulative. She saw our kids being cute and wanted some for herself but maybe wouldn't have married him if she wanted children of her own.

 

He's selfish and doesn't care about what anybody else wants. If that's avoiding conflict then so be it but I think it's a lot more wicked than that.

 

He's cruel.

[Selfish]

He's manipulative. She saw our kids being cute and wanted some for herself but maybe wouldn't have married him if she wanted children of her own.

 

He's selfish and doesn't care about what anybody else wants. If that's avoiding conflict then so be it but I think it's a lot more wicked than that.

 

He's cruel.

 

I get that. And I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like that.

[idoltree]

I don't really see the problem with a guy getting a V done and not telling the wife beforehand (although I guess afterwards exlplaining would do in case he doesn't want to use condoms anymore). If he's done with having children, why not?

 

So I suppose you'd be okay with a wife making a unilateral decision and secretly stopping her birth control without her husband knowing?

 

I think that within a marriage, all decisions that affect procreation - positive or negative - should be discussed and decided as a unit.

[No Limit]

Really you don't see a problem with a man going behind his wife's back to get a v? No sneakiness? Betrayal? Deception? Conflict avoidance there?

After all it is his bosy right? He doesn't have to tell her when he makes such a big descision that affects both of them. Smh

 

Funny, when a woman aborts her BFs/Hs child it's her decision and her body. When a guy doesn't want kids (anymore) it's deception and lying.

 

So I suppose you'd be okay with a wife making a unilateral decision and secretly stopping her birth control without her husband knowing?

 

I think that within a marriage, all decisions that affect procreation - positive or negative - should be discussed and decided as a unit.

 

No, I wouldn't be okay with that. But since you write "positive or negative"; how does a V impact a family ngeatively? Especially when they already have children?

[Confused48]

I really loathe your judgments of people who screw up. People can and do change if they want to. Just because you chose a "classy" lady for your xWW doesn't mean everyone who cheats is like her.

 

This implies its my fault I chose a cheater. Maybe you should go back and read it again. Its a horrible thing to imply. I would appreciate it if you would just stick to what you disagree with and most away from the personal statements.

 

Clay

 

I have to say, that even as a BS, I missed this too. I guess my radar to be on alert for insults by a WS is not all that high tuned as it is for others.

 

I'm sorry for Selfish that she feels persecuted. It is so rare for WS to endure on this side of the site, posting their helpful points of view. I tend to want to err on the side of not making them feel persecuted since they are so rare and they tend to get burned out fast.

 

Anyway, I can see it now. Apology in order. Thanks Selfish.

[Confused48]

Not at all. She tackled some issues related to her attention seeking behavior, and her constant need for approval etc. Of course, there were mommy and daddy issues to work out as well, which after a year of counseling, she talked head on, and in spectacular fashion. There were also some serious abandonment issues that had resurfaced ( long story ) and basically she had to fess up to a history of writing people off whenever they didn't show her 100% unconditional love and support.

 

She got to a point where she really sat down and said " It's ok if not everyone in the world thinks I'm amazing." Seems crazy right? But she is a woman of extraordinary beauty, and I think a lot of women like her are used to being treated a certain way, and eventually their husbands are going to just treat them like regular mortals, and they need to get used to that.

 

She would want credit and praise for things like just doing the friggen dishes or walking the dog or any myriad of things regular people do all the time. Basically she wasn't used to living in a house with someone who fully expected her to carry her own weight, and half of the kid's weight.

 

And when someone comes along and just showers her with praise with no expectations other than she take her clothes off, it was only a matter of time.

 

Wow. That all sounds amazing and good. Why did you not like that this is where her IC was taking her?

[Confused48]

Fair enough I get that. And I apologize for the harshness of that.

 

you should learn that your absolute statements and harsh attitude against those who have lost their way at one time in their life leads people who want to change feeling powerless and and like there is no point.

 

I was suicidal once. And it was Statements like that brought me lower. It was feeling like i didn't deserve to even be alive and my children were better off without me that I planned my suicide. I only failed due to the vigilance of my husband. Words are powerful.

 

OMG! I'm so sorry to hear that you went thought this. My WS often says things like the blooded part. When I'm even mentioning what I think are pretty tame aspects of the A. I don't think I'm harsh. I think WS is overly sensitive. I could be wrong.

[Selfish]

Funny, when a woman aborts her BFs/Hs child it's her decision and her body. When a guy doesn't want kids (anymore) it's deception and lying.

 

 

 

No, I wouldn't be okay with that. But since you write "positive or negative"; how does a V impact a family ngeatively? Especially when they already have children?

 

Nothing funny about it at all. I do not think a wife should have an abortion behind her husbands back either. I think doing so deceptive.

 

My statement stands and is clear. No reason to repeat it. And you can come back with a better arguement why exactly it is okay for a spouse to get a v without first discussing with their partner that doesn't have to do with another situation I also disagree with I may see whatever point you are trying to make. I mean really, why'd you even think that I'd think that was okay? Have I ever said that?

[Selfish]

OMG! I'm so sorry to hear that you went thought this. My WS often says things like the blooded part. When I'm even mentioning what I think are pretty tame aspects of the A. I don't think I'm harsh. I think WS is overly sensitive. I could be wrong.

 

Being firm and being harsh are two different things. I know I can be harsh. My comment to him was harsh. I didnt mean it the way he took it. I meant it as in his judgement was tainted by the woman he married. And the fact she is an extra speciAl piece of work. But making absolute statments like once a cheater always a cheater, selfish people never change, or anything else that implies once youhave cheated you are worthless leads to very dark thoughts for many of us who never wanted to be that person (and yes many people who cheat don't care. But not all of us)

 

People can change for the better or the worse. And encouraging positive change should always be considered when posting on forums where you do not know who is reading.

 

All I did was read relationship forums in my dark time. And it was never the jusgemental and harsh people (even then I didn't take someone fresh after DDay as hard because I knew they were in shock and lashing out) that encouraged me or helped me out. Those people made me fall farther into self loathing and the pit. It was the kind people (not people who minimized cheating but encouraged change and making positive choices) that helped me and in effect my husband aftwards. I was never brave enough to post. I knew i could never have handled direct attacks.

[fellini]

Something similar for me. My wife was promoting my getting a V, then really pushing for it, making the appointments etc. All this during an EA.

 

Her reason for the V: fear during those moments of unprotected sex.

 

So to make herself feel better she hooked up for unprotected sex with a co-worker who had been having sex with his ex-WW ...

 

The V issue continues to haunt me today, even though I agreed and have no plans for another child, with or without the WS.

 

Different story - I had a V before her affair, because I thought that my two kids is enough for me. Now, I kind of feel a bit tricked - a feeling of "very likely we won't make it through, and I'll have less to offer my next GF"-kind of thing.

 

Also started wondering what she would've done had she gotten pregnant during her affair

 

But the V is definitely something that plays a role in the myriad of thoughts post D-day, no matter the situation.

[spanz1]

with all the cheating and divorce stories on here...I would highly recommend you wait until you are old enough to be SURE you never want more kids. Like 45+ minimum.

 

 

What is your perfect marriage crumbles, you divorce the cheating biyatch, then fall in love with a beautiful compassionate career woman, who is looking for a father for her kid??

[Selfish]

with all the cheating and divorce stories on here...I would highly recommend you wait until you are old enough to be SURE you never want more kids. Like 45+ minimum.

 

 

What is your perfect marriage crumbles, you divorce the cheating biyatch, then fall in love with a beautiful compassionate career woman, who is looking for a father for her kid??

 

"Beautiful kind career woman" is that the dream? Lol.

 

I think if a person knows they don't want kids for a fact with their spouse or anyone else getting something more effective done is wise. As was pointed out there are ways around it.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Wow. That all sounds amazing and good. Why did you not like that this is where her IC was taking her?

 

I was fine with this part, actually. To be honest, it's what lead to her ability to feel, and show remorse. She recognized her narcissistic tendencies, and this allowed us to keep things real and honest, and it's a big part of the reason we're still together.

 

What I was trying to say earlier was that this was happening at a time where I really needed support. At the time, she was already being obviously selfish by having an affair, and then focusing on HERSELF even more via IC just seemed like a further extension of that selfishness. I guess I wanted her to go in there and get lectured on how bad she had screwed up our marriage, lol.

 

But the end result was good... I just needed to be exceedingly patient. But she saw the light, and has changed in a lot of ways since then.

 

So, she gets another chance.

 

We had a very Parent/Child dynamic going on after D-Day that was hard to deal with.

[MJJean]

Funny, when a woman aborts her BFs/Hs child it's her decision and her body. When a guy doesn't want kids (anymore) it's deception and lying.

 

No, I wouldn't be okay with that. But since you write "positive or negative"; how does a V impact a family ngeatively? Especially when they already have children?

 

This kind of thing ticks me off. In my state, by law, a man married or single can have a vasectomy at any time after age 18 if he can find a doctor to do it.

A woman, if married, has to get permission in writing from her husband for a tubal ligation. And it's extremely difficult to find a doctor willing to do the procedure if she has less than 2 kids and is under 24.

 

When my ex and I were in the process of divorce I became pregnant by my the AP/BF and now DH. The baby would go on to become my 3rd child, I was 24, and I did not want to have a 4th. Even though we were no longer together and in process of divorce I had to get the official paper authorizing the tubal signed by the ex. I took it out into the parking lot and forged his name. I was furious that the state would require permission from someone else for me to make a medical or reproductive decision.

 

I don't think men or women should be forced to consult with someone else when making medical decisions including abortion and sterilization. But everyone making those decisions when married or in a LTR have to understand that unilaterally making such a decision could be a problem for their partner and for future partners should their current relationship fail.

 

How does the decision effect a family especially if they already have kids?

 

Well, some faiths consider sterilization to be mutilation and a grave sin. The faithful spouse would be concerned for the soul of the spouse who'd been sterilized. This could be spiritually divisive for the couple and even lead te faithful spouse to think sex with a sterilized spouse is a sin. *Not my belief, but I've heard those thoughts expressed by others.*

 

If one spouse wants more children than the other having a vasectomy would be very hurtful to the spouse who wants more babies. It's saying "I will not consider your feelings on this matter anymore."

 

with all the cheating and divorce stories on here...I would highly recommend you wait until you are old enough to be SURE you never want more kids. Like 45+ minimum.

 

 

What is your perfect marriage crumbles, you divorce the cheating biyatch, then fall in love with a beautiful compassionate career woman, who is looking for a father for her kid??

 

I disagree. Most people who don't want to have any children or to have more children often know long before that age.

 

Sure, the possibility exists that the marriage won't work out. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter who you're with if you simply do not want any (more) children.

 

No one should feel pressured to maintain unwanted fertility, and risk of accidental pregnancy, just in case they might meet someone in the future who will want to pressure them into having a child they don't really want.

 

I was in process of a divorce when I had my tubes tied and of course I thought about the possibility of meeting a man in the future who would want to have a child with me. And if that was to be the case I figured we wouldn't be a good match as I sincerely didn't want more children.

[Selfish]

This kind of thing ticks me off. In my state, by law, a man married or single can have a vasectomy at any time after age 18 if he can find a doctor to do it.

A woman, if married, has to get permission in writing from her husband for a tubal ligation. And it's extremely difficult to find a doctor willing to do the procedure if she has less than 2 kids and is under 24.

 

When my ex and I were in the process of divorce I became pregnant by my the AP/BF and now DH. The baby would go on to become my 3rd child, I was 24, and I did not want to have a 4th. Even though we were no longer together and in process of divorce I had to get the official paper authorizing the tubal signed by the ex. I took it out into the parking lot and forged his name. I was furious that the state would require permission from someone else for me to make a medical or reproductive decision.

 

I don't think men or women should be forced to consult with someone else when making medical decisions including abortion and sterilization. But everyone making those decisions when married or in a LTR have to understand that unilaterally making such a decision could be a problem for their partner and for future partners should their current relationship fail.

 

How does the decision effect a family especially if they already have kids?

 

Well, some faiths consider sterilization to be mutilation and a grave sin. The faithful spouse would be concerned for the soul of the spouse who'd been sterilized. This could be spiritually divisive for the couple and even lead te faithful spouse to think sex with a sterilized spouse is a sin. *Not my belief, but I've heard those thoughts expressed by others.*

 

If one spouse wants more children than the other having a vasectomy would be very hurtful to the spouse who wants more babies. It's saying "I will not consider your feelings on this matter anymore."

 

 

 

I disagree. Most people who don't want to have any children or to have more children often know long before that age.

 

Sure, the possibility exists that the marriage won't work out. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter who you're with if you simply do not want any (more) children.

 

No one should feel pressured to maintain unwanted fertility, and risk of accidental pregnancy, just in case they might meet someone in the future who will want to pressure them into having a child they don't really want.

 

I was in process of a divorce when I had my tubes tied and of course I thought about the possibility of meeting a man in the future who would want to have a child with me. And if that was to be the case I figured we wouldn't be a good match as I sincerely didn't want more children.

 

That's some crazy law... Yikes glad I don't live in that sort of area. I don't think there should be a law preventing either a man or woman getting a v or tl on their own BUT I do think doing so behind your partners back is deceptive and wrong. Something that big should at the very least be told up front.

 

"I am getting a v"

"Oh btw, I got a v today"

 

While the first one I think is still a bad idea in a marriage without even discussion first... The second is passive aggressive and deceptive. No debate.

[sidney2718]

I don't really see the problem with a guy getting a V done and not telling the wife beforehand (although I guess afterwards exlplaining would do in case he doesn't want to use condoms anymore). If he's done with having children, why not?

 

Because it is like turning off sex in a marriage. Having children is one of the things a marriage is FOR. All decisions affecting fertility should be discussed by H and W.

[sidney2718]

My exH got his V after we had our daughter. I already have two sons.

 

We divorced, he remarried and must not have ever told her that he is done having babies.

 

She had a nursery all set up and everything for a few years.

 

That's a terrible thing to do to a woman. Just terrible. I hope she's divorced him.

[sidney2718]

"Beautiful kind career woman" is that the dream? Lol.

 

I think if a person knows they don't want kids for a fact with their spouse or anyone else getting something more effective done is wise. As was pointed out there are ways around it.

 

The point is that such decisions should not be unilateral. And if the man gets divorced and finds another woman, he should tell her that he's had a V before they marry.

 

These are serious issues. What if a husband decides unilaterally that he's not going to have sex with his wife any more? And what if, when divorced and about to be remarried, he says nothing about no sex but lets her discover it on their wedding night?

[toolforgrowth]

The point is that such decisions should not be unilateral. And if the man gets divorced and finds another woman, he should tell her that he's had a V before they marry.

 

These are serious issues. What if a husband decides unilaterally that he's not going to have sex with his wife any more? And what if, when divorced and about to be remarried, he says nothing about no sex but lets her discover it on their wedding night?

 

Agreed. My xWW and I both agreed for me to get a V. After the divorce, I was up front and honest about it with every woman I dated. I even stated it on my OLD profiles.

 

I've found that having a V didn't inhibit my dating prospects at all. If anything, the women were super glad I got it done. Birth control was never an issue. How awesome is that?

[whatatangledweb]

I had my tubes tied at 21 after having two children. I ended up divorced from him. My husband now knew I couldn't have any more nor did I want more. He never wanted to have kids so it worked out fine for us. I have never regretted it. If you feel you may want more later with someone else then don't do it. Only do it if you don't want more.

[beatcuff]

I came home one day and told her I had scheduled an appointment [for a vasectomy], and asked if she felt like I should cancel it.

 

OP, i have read some of your other threads and felt you were a level headed, reasonable person.

 

you made a life altering decision (just like she did with A) without her input. oh wait, you did give her the passive aggressive: i want X now tell me why i can't. i presume to hold it over her head the rest of her life.

 

remove the A and women would be slamming you for this maneuver. AND they are separate.