Wisc_divo_dad Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 What did I do to deserve that ?! Short answer....... nothing. You are dealing with someone who checked out of the marriage long ago. She didn't have the respect for you to even tell you, and better prepare yourself for the fact that she isn't going to get more respectful now that she has left. No doubt it is hard on her too, which also doesn't put her in the right frame of mine for any conversations. Lawyer up, stop the negotiations with her directly, and start living your new life to the fullest. When you reach that point where you can finally let go, you are going to kick yourself for not getting there sooner. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 In my experience, when women are "done" with a relationship, by their choice, they are done. Women don't want to be single mothers, if they have been married. They don't want to be divorcees. This happens as a last resort, in my opinion. So don't hang on expecting her to change her mind. And don't bother her for "reasons" what she tells you may not be the truth anyway. Or she may tell you nothing at all. Even if we feel entitled to answers, we don't always get them. That is just life. You can't force her to tell you whatever it is you need to know in order to move on. Harsh, but true. If she says she wants out, she means it. If she takes steps to make it happen, believe her. She has made up her mind. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 She is threatening to abuse your daughter, because YOU don't bend to her terms??!!!! Your wife is threatening to ask for full custody and you ask for advice in an online forum? Are you nuts? I dont know where to even start... Child custody is always arranged and set according to "whats best for the child" and the stability and connection to her parents is very very important. It's not something you use as a threat to your Ex. It's not a tool in your what ever fight you have with the other parent. When she does that, it proves that she lost her mind. She lost it completely. Instead for worrying about her daughter care and treatment, she's using her against you. 1. Have everything documented. Record every conversation with her. Yes, go and buy recording stuff if you dont have it on your phone. I even recommend to meet her only with a third party as a witness. 2. Get a lawyer. She might have one already. Maybe her lawyer told her that and she stupidly told you that when it was supposed to be a secret. Link to post Share on other sites
81West Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I might have just made things worse...she came over to drop something off for our daughter. We finally started talking about terms of separation...and who should pay what and what is each of our entitlements to pensions and retirements savings, house, debt etc... etc...long story short, she ended up threatening to take full custody if I was going to ask her for some type of child support equalization payment (2-300$\month). (Canada has a thing where if you have shared custody, each parent has a monthly $ allotment they are responsible for based on the number of children & based on your revenue...so for shared custody, it's parent with higher allotment, minus the lower earning parent's allotment, would get paid to the lower earning spouse 9as long as it's 50\50 custody), She couldn't believe I would ask her for that amount. She stated she wasn't trying to be dirty...I might have mumbled something about "like when you left without saying a word?*.....she left after that comment... God that is irritating. On what grounds exactly would she be positioned to "take full custody"? You have a say and most courts in Canada are getting more and more supportive of fathers' rights and perspectives. If she is going to go that route (the route of asserting an imaginary parental privilege she doesn't have that seems to be based on her ovary count) I would contact a local men's or fathers' rights group and get some guidance. Link to post Share on other sites
81West Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I just don't get why she'd do that...why she'd punish me even more than she already has by leaving out of the blue ....by going full custody... What did I do to deserve that ?! It has nothing to do with you. She was probably just recoiling from a consequence of her decisions that she didn't anticipate - i.e. being hit financially. It's an understandable human reaction, but if she wants to change her life and sees it as essential to her well being there are going to be costs. If she truly wants change there is a mountain to climb and it's unrealistic to expect you to carry any of her share of the burdens. She is changing the family structure in a family in which an income disparity exists. That needs to be redressed, at least in the short and medium term. Any good parent who wants it and can make it work for the child deserves 50/50 custody and the resources to make it equitable and balanced. Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 My mind understands this, but when the expected results keep getting changed, it's hard to adjust and be diplomatic. She also "thinks" she might want to move into the house mid June...maybe, she isn't sure.. (originally said end of august). That kind of took me aback as I need to put my own ducks in a row to secure a new place... IDK, maybe she said the Full Custody remark solely based on protective instinct...reacting to me "asking for money"... But that's her biggest card in all of this and this is actually the 2 time she's flashed it. (she also said it a week after she moved out, and I was very "down" and still in shock and asked her to take care of our daughter for the week as I could hardly take care of myself, she said if I couldn't get over it and take care of my daughter then she would just go for full custody...a while later she said she did that to wake me up from being down and wouldn't do that to our daughter. (?) I just can't wait to have some say in my own destiny...if that makes sense. Go see a lawer asap.. I am in Canada as well, and there is a legal table to establish the different amount of pension, regarding of the custody, the salaries, etc.... Don't bargain... she is a lwyer, she knows what to do.. and stop writing anything.... GO SEE A LAWYER. Don't worry about who is dirty or not..... She left, and there are laws for you if you have a smaller salary... Link to post Share on other sites
Author phoenix19 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 update... -separation has been finalized a few weeks ago, terms ok -I moved out and got my own place a few weeks ago as well, note :shopping for household crap is actually therapeutic! -Practice hot yoga - it has been amazing...Cross between meditation and a regular workout. And go running...both are great for stress relief. I feel better physically than I have in 20 years! -Met someone new, just beginning, but being attracted to and attracting someone else and being totally open is refreshing. Laughing is awesome! - relationship with daughter is great, she is adjusting amazingly well. - relationship with ex, still not great, resentment for the way she left is still there. Work in progress. So i'm doing a lot better, still have weird feelings every so often, but overall I'm very positive. I've come up with a few lists: "personal philosophy:" 1- tell the truth 2- treat yourself like you would want others to treat you 3- moderation in everything 4- reward yourself 5- try to have fun 6- try not to regret anything 7- forgive yourself Things that helped me get over ex leaving: 1- learn to say no to her, not just out of spite, but when you actually can't do something or when you really don't want to say yes. 2- spoil yourself ...(within reason) 3- forgive yourself ...because you had a part to play in the relationship failing, great...now move on 4- work on yourself...find hobbies, test your limitations, step out of your comfort zone....go..now! 5- talk...with anyone who'll listen...but do realize if you are whining, no one wants to hear that. It's ok to seek professional help BTW. 6- seek legal advice, get things on paper, and let go of certain things...and try to make sure this doesn't linger. ** Life isn't complicated as long as you can live with your decisions...so make good decisions!** Thanks to those that helped me when I was going through my dark time, it was greatly appreciated. If you are on here and still feeling despair...go out, sit in the sun, breathe... It's time to start living again people...THAT is in your control... Namaste day (ok that's a bit much ) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Adam777 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 (edited) EDIT: My original reply was in response to one of your earliest postings, I didnt see how long this thread had grown and that topic of conversation is now passed. Hope you are starting to pull through, but point 6 is still very appropriate for sure. Edited July 29, 2015 by Adam777 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 please continue to post. it inspire's others to move on! treat us with your thoughtful experiences. so we may use it to heal to. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Glad to hear it's going well with you. Your daughter adjusting is really good and you all deserve happiness. As long as you and the Ex coparent well , that's all you can expect. Did you ever find out if she was seeing anyone back then? Link to post Share on other sites
Author phoenix19 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Thanks Sandylee, yes the main point is that my daughter is doing well and the co-parenting up til now is working out better than I imagined. As far as knowing more about why she left or if she was cheating -> no I have not found out more about that...and it's irrelevant now anyway. We're on different paths and I've made peace with that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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