elaine567 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Sorry I haven't posted lately been busy separating my life and working on me! After presenting her with divorce papers she asked me for a 30 day "timeout". I agreed to it with the understanding that if at the end of 30 days she is not working towards resolving these issues in our marriage with MC and IC I was filing. It is very hard to live under the same roof with her at times. I've become very good friends with my treadmill LOL. Bank accounts are separate now as well as utilities. I still love her very much but I cannot risk being jerked around and left on a leash for months on end. She has yet to schedule any counseling and is going around most of the time as if nothing has ever happened! I have been putting all of my energy into myself and my daughter. She absolutely refuses to talk about our marriage in the meantime. She only seems concerned with how bad her job sucks. I guess, she thinks she has got away with it and you will not divorce her, whatever she did to you, so things can go on just the same as before. She probably now thinks the divorce was just a hollow threat on your part. Or she has other plans and 30 days will give her a breathing space. Make sure your attorney is up to speed, and that she is not stalling for a very good legal reason here. Be careful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Sorry I haven't posted lately been busy separating my life and working on me! After presenting her with divorce papers she asked me for a 30 day "timeout". I agreed to it with the understanding that if at the end of 30 days she is not working towards resolving these issues in our marriage with MC and IC I was filing. She has yet to schedule any counseling and is going around most of the time as if nothing has ever happened! She absolutely refuses to talk about our marriage in the meantime. She only seems concerned with how bad her job sucks. So the 30 days is not about you or the marriage, but what she wanted for herself. Exactly how far are you into the 30 days? Do not trust her she is up to something. I hope your still spying on her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 After presenting her with divorce papers she asked me for a 30 day "timeout". I agreed to it with the understanding that if at the end of 30 days she is not working towards resolving these issues in our marriage with MC and IC I was filing. So the 30 days is not about you or the marriage, but what she wanted for herself. Have to agree. She's not a caterpillar planning to emerge as a butterfly 30 days from now, any recovery is a work in progress that involves ongoing effort. When the clock turns midnight, is it realistic to expect her to magically begin "working towards resolving these issues"? Don't see what you're accomplishing by agreeing to this, seems like you're just delaying the rest of your life by 30 days... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
dental Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 You should file now, just be pro active in this matter, for once. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim374 Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 If she needs 30 days to get her mind right or prepare for divorce at this point I don't really care. I've been with this woman for 20 years. Giving her 30 days does not really bother me much. I have been watching her phone but not as closely as before. At this point it does not really matter to me. If she is going to cheat and fool around I would rather not obsess and let it destroy me. I have taken the necessary steps to protect myself and my daughter. I love this woman with all of my heart and if she chooses to use this 30 days to gallivant and get ready for her new life so be it! It gives me a chance to take inventory of the situation and better plan for my new life. My attorney is up to speed and has counseled me to just be cautious. I don't think she will pick a fight or do anything stupid at this point. She has an IC session scheduled Tuesday and she may come home from that and pack her bags or she may realize what she is throwing away in pursuit of some lost youth that she will never get back. Either way I am prepared and ready to move on with my life with or without her. Money is now completely separate, CC's separate, bills have been split equally and this has all been drawn up and agreed to, signed and filed. I don't think I will ever go back to joint finances even if we reconcile. My bigger concern at the moment is my daughter and her relationship with her mother. Mom is pushing away anyone who disagrees with this new lifestyle. Including her own daughter. I want to avoid that but I cannot condone this wild lifestyle she is chasing in my daughter's eyes. Delaying my life by 30 days? I am perfectly fine with that. I want to leave no stone uncovered. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Delaying my life by 30 days? I am perfectly fine with that. I want to leave no stone uncovered. Understand what you're trying to do. As a man your instinct is to protect, even if what you're protecting in an unsustainable status quo. But everything you've posted says "I'd take her back in a heartbeat", an attitude which I'd guess has been communicated to her. So she's now got nothing to lose, she can sample and pursue this new lifestyle with whomever and still have the security of knowing you're waiting to pick up the pieces if her plan doesn't work or co-planner backs out. You're essentially enabling her to stray further from home and giving her time to do so. Regardless, keep your head up and focus on your daughter. Believe it or not, this too will pass... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim374 Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 I understand the message it sends and I have told her that I don't wish to go back to the way it was. A new relationship has to be forged. We have to basically start over. No more old me and definitely no more old marriage. She has to win my trust back. I will not take her back unconditionally and she knows this. She has a choice at this point. She can choose to chase after this wild lifestyle or she can choose her family and a new start with me. I have made it very clear to her that I will not stay with her unless I have her 100%. I am prepared either way. Would I like her to come to her senses and stop this nonsense? Of course! Will I just move on like nothing has happened if she does? Absolutely not! I have made my choice. I am beginning a new life. She can choose to be a part of it or not. I am giving her time to reflect on that. If she decides to try to work it out with me then there will be a long road to walk. She has taken a positive step by going to IC. She may come home and pack her bags after her first session on Tuesday or she may begin to see what she is truly throwing away. My eyes are wide-open now and nothing will change that. I know that are quite a few that have been burned who are shaking their heads right now but every situation is different. I owe it to myself and my daughter to give it every chance to work. 30 days is nothing. In the end, the goal is for both of us to be happy. T Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 In the end, the goal is for both of us to be happy. T Then drinking a toast to the hope you get what you want. Cheers! Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Thanks for the updates. I think it's natural to try to leave no stone unturned when their are young children involved, however the key is to be ready, will and able to push the self-destruct button at 30 days and one minute if your criteria for staying together is not met. The fact she's acting like it's business as usual is kind of concerning. She could be deep in the fog and not seeing reality or like others have suggested, she may just be smug and confident that you are going to roll out the welcome mat and welcome her with open arms no matter what she does. You have done better than most in that you have been working with an attorney and taking steps to protect your finances. Just make sure you keep planning and preparing to pull the ejection handle at any moment if it appears she is just jerking your chain or deceiving you or not acting in good faith. And then if Day 30 arrives and she is still just living in her fantasy dream world, keep your word and your end of the bargain and pull the plug and let her live her fantasy on her own dime while you move on with your own life leaving her behind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim374 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 I think you are right that she is deep in the fog. She's not the calculating type. Tuesday will bring SOME answers but this journey is far from complete. Time will tell but I am prepared and I WILL be moving on in 30 days. To every person who has been through this I salute you! It is easily one of the toughest things I have ever had to deal with in my life. Every day it gets easier though. I am in a MUCH better place than I was two weeks ago! T Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim374 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Nothing much has come of my wife's IC session. She still seems to be "lost in the fog". The only thing I could get out of her was "you know how the first session goes....just a lot of me talking and the therapist listening. Still processing it all". Still, I see it as a positive step on her end. Regardless of if we reconcile I hope it helps her navigate this wave of confusion and emotion. She says she has another session next week. For my part I have been trying to get a life. My therapist tells me that will help me more than anything right now. This is tough for me since I have been so emotionally dependent on her for so long but I am getting there! I have some legitimate concerns regarding my daughter. She is taking all of this very badly and cries thinking I will never come back each time I leave. I've asked my wife for permission to get my daughter into counseling but she says she feels it is premature and my therapist urges me not to seek counseling for my daughter unless we both agree to it. My wife still seems to be making long term plans as a family which bothers me. She talks about summer activities and even going to a concert with my mother later this month. It can be a roller coaster ride at times but I agreed to give her 30 days to work on it before moving forward with separation or divorce. I do now realize just how much work will need to be done to repair this marriage and I can honestly say that I am unsure if she is up for it. I find myself getting angry now and feeling disappointed in myself. She cheated and yet I am giving her time to not only do it again but string me along! How does that happen? Anyways, I continue to try to get a life and put some space between us emotionally. Hopefully IC can do her some good. Will it be enough to save our marriage? I don't know but at least it might prevent her from destroying herself and her relationship with our daughter. Thanks LS peeps for your advice and insight. I will continue to update this as things progress. T Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I find myself getting angry now and feeling disappointed in myself. She cheated and yet I am giving her time to not only do it again but string me along! How does that happen? Oft repeated but of value here, the stages of processing a trauma such as infidelity, divorce or death: Denial: "This is not happening to me." Anger and resentment: "How can he [she] do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? This is not fair!" Bargaining: "If you'll stay, I'll change" Depression: "This is really happening, I can't do anything about it, and I don't think I can bear it." Acceptance: "Okay, this is how it is, and I'd rather accept it and move on than wallow in the past." Be very careful with Stage 3... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim374 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 Quick update for those interested... Not much new to report unfortunately. She continues to rug sweep and I continue to focus on myself and my daughter. She had another counseling session to which she has spoken absolutely nothing about. I've decided to let it be and only talk about it if she brings it up (which is never). I have another session on Thursday and I will be scheduling some time for my daughter as well. I am not as angry as I was last week just more disappointed that she has chosen to rug sweep instead of being proactive. I think she will eventually "call my bluff". I wasn't bluffing and I think she will be very surprised. She is still being very deceptive in regards to her cell. The thing never leaves her pocket or hands. When she sleeps it charges on the nightstand next to our bed instead of downstairs where mine charges and hers used to until about 3-4 months ago. When I question her about her new appendage she gets super-defensive so I know something is up. More later.... T Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Sorry to hear no improvement. Even worse, sounds like regression on her part. After presenting her with divorce papers she asked me for a 30 day "timeout". I agreed to it with the understanding that if at the end of 30 days she is not working towards resolving these issues in our marriage with MC and IC I was filing. Is this still your intention? Sounds like she's burned through most of the 30-day allotment... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Quick update for those interested... She had another counseling session to which she has spoken absolutely nothing about. thanks for the update, i often wonder what happens... her NOT talking about the session maybe a good sign: they are dealing with a topic(s) that is painful and she is recovering (hopefully). counseling is a journey not a tv show (wrapped up in a hour). i would be more encouraged the longer she sticks with it. although the end result may not be with you it would make raising your daughter easier. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 (edited) ^^^^^ I'm not sure about this. As a former WS it sounds to me like she is discovering some uncomfortable truths about her marriage and doesn't want to share them. Like it or not her ideal situation is to stay married and have an affair. So she may have decided to stick with the marriage because of the security and all that goes with it, not necessarily out of love for you. However, her therapist could be asking, do you love your husband? do you want to stay with him? have you gone NC? If the answer is no, she may not like admitting to the fact to herself or to you. The phone thing is still a huge red flag. Before my affair, my phone was just a tool that I left lying around the house. I didn't have PW protection on and forgot to take it out most of the time. During the affair it was never out of my site - (all that secret texting, rushed calls). If she had nothing to hide, the phone would be of no interest to her. I think your wife is at the very least still in contact with her AP. She may be confused about what she wants, but going to counselling once a week isn't proof of good behaviour in my book. Our marriage counsellor said that a marriage is like a table, with each of the following representing a leg. If one is missing the table (marriage) gets wobbly - the four are Trust, Intimacy, communication and respect. How many of those are missing for you right now? I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but I'm not convinced she is committing to the marriage at all yet, just trying to keep some link with the AP alive. Edited March 10, 2015 by jackslife 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim374 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Sorry to hear no improvement. Even worse, sounds like regression on her part. Is this still your intention? Sounds like she's burned through most of the 30-day allotment... Mr. Lucky Yes my intention is to move forward with the divorce after 30 days if she shows no interest or effort in wanting to repair the marriage. Her actions thus far tell me that she isn't interested. I expect her to make another 11th hour plea. She will be very disappointed if she does. 8 Days and counting..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim374 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 thanks for the update, i often wonder what happens... her NOT talking about the session maybe a good sign: they are dealing with a topic(s) that is painful and she is recovering (hopefully). counseling is a journey not a tv show (wrapped up in a hour). i would be more encouraged the longer she sticks with it. although the end result may not be with you it would make raising your daughter easier. She has always been emotionally closed off so her not talking about it does not surprise me. Although she always seems to corner me after my sessions for a debrief. I truly understand the depth of the issues now and I am prepared if IC ends in her walking away. At this point I would rather be divorced from a stable and responsible ex. It is better for the both of us and most definitely better for my daughter. She has made no mention of any more appointments for IC and I haven't asked. She has to want to share her feelings with me and want to move forward. She knows where I stand. She has 8 days to prove to me that she wants to stay married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim374 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 ^^^^^ I'm not sure about this. As a former WS it sounds to me like she is discovering some uncomfortable truths about her marriage and doesn't want to share them. Like it or not her ideal situation is to stay married and have an affair. So she may have decided to stick with the marriage because of the security and all that goes with it, not necessarily out of love for you. However, her therapist could be asking, do you love your husband? do you want to stay with him? have you gone NC? If the answer is no, she may not like admitting to the fact to herself or to you. The phone thing is still a huge red flag. Before my affair, my phone was just a tool that I left lying around the house. I didn't have PW protection on and forgot to take it out most of the time. During the affair it was never out of my site - (all that secret texting, rushed calls). If she had nothing to hide, the phone would be of no interest to her. I think your wife is at the very least still in contact with her AP. She may be confused about what she wants, but going to counselling once a week isn't proof of good behaviour in my book. Our marriage counsellor said that a marriage is like a table, with each of the following representing a leg. If one is missing the table (marriage) gets wobbly - the four are Trust, Intimacy, communication and respect. How many of those are missing for you right now? I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but I'm not convinced she is committing to the marriage at all yet, just trying to keep some link with the AP alive. I am sure her counselor is forcing her to face those demons in some fashion. The only tangible response I have gotten out of her regarding counseling is her counselor's insistence that there is life after divorce. She can't have her cake and eat it to. I have been crystal clear with her regarding that and that I refuse to be plan b. She has to commit or move on. All or nothing! We have not gone NC. Sometimes I think it would help. She disagrees. The phone thing does bother me but I am letting it go at this point. It speaks volumes on where she is at with our marriage and that she does not care to win my trust back. She may very well be still communicating with the OM. I honestly don't know and I am not going to drive myself crazy spying on her constantly. She is going to do what she is going to do regardless. She has 8 days to show me she is serious about staying in this marriage. I am moving forward with or without her. T Link to post Share on other sites
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