Looking for some insight

[WhiteWingedDove]

You might find this helpful to reverse lookup the other guys' cell phone number:

 

Free Reverse Phone Number Lookup - Cell Phone or Landline | Spy Dialer

 

Good luck to you. I personally think it is more rather than less, possible that your wife was involved in solely an emotional affair as she says. But of course otherwise is possible, and you'd be wise to protect yourself and get as much knowledge as you can.

[tim374]

Is this IC or MC?

 

if it's a joint MC session, don't think for a second she won't lie right to the counselors face. She may even get mad and pop off if she thinks the counselor is getting up in her business too much.

 

Let the counselor do the asking and the prodding. Don't ask a word and don't show your hand. Just sit back and study her. Look for "tells" that she is lying or hiding something.

 

Your investigating hinges on her not thinking you are looking.

 

It is IC. She refused a joint session.

 

She told me last night that she has no faith that we can work things out. She told me that she hasn't been in love with me for over 7 years and that she feels that if we try to work on things we'll end up back in the same situation.

 

Then her fangs came out. She seems to be purposely trying to hurt me. Telling me that the only reason she has stayed with me this long is that she would not be able to live the lifestyle she has grown accustomed to apart from me. She knew that I was safe and would not abuse her. In essence she has been using me.

 

Then she told me that if I wasn't monitoring the cellphones she would probably be still talking to the OM. That set me off and I went storming out of the room. She gave chase immediately and started apologizing saying that she didn't mean it and she was just trying to hurt me.

 

I hope my counselor is ready for the train-wreck that is coming to her office today...LOL

[dental]

Why did she wanna hurt you?

[tim374]

Is it your joint/family account? If so, pretty easy process, no court order needed.

 

As Oldshirt has tried to prepare you, I'd guess you'll find:

 

1) "I love you"

2). Sexual discussion

3). Confirmation of meet-ups

4). Possibly pictures

5). Discussion of a future that doesn't include you

 

I'm sorry for your pain. Tough situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She still maintains that it never went beyond flirting. However she did admit that this "flirting" went on for almost 2 months and that it would probably still be going on had I not questioned the bill.

 

I get the impression that the OM is married with children and in some position of authority where she works.

[tim374]

Why did she wanna hurt you?

 

I think she is trying to drive me away to the point where i just give up.

[dichotomy]

My gut says

 

She has had sex, she is still doing so, and lying through her teeth. The separation is just to see if the thing with OM can be made more solid footing - and make it an easy transition for her to step to over to him permanently.

 

This is the way it played out in my first marriage.

 

If you can do it - hire a PI - but I would say your marriage is over. I am sorry.

 

I can also say that long after my first marriage ended, after the separation to let her play....what I regretted most was how I acted in this "in between time".

Edited February 5, 2015 by dichotomy

[tim374]

My gut says

 

She has had sex, she is still doing so, and lying through her teeth. The separation is just to see if the thing with OM can be made more solid footing - and make it an easy transition for her to step to over to him permanently.

 

This is the way it played out in my first marriage.

 

If you can do it - hire a PI - but I would say your marriage is over. I am sorry.

 

I can also say that long after my first marriage ended, after the separation to let her play....what I regretted most was how I acted in this "in between time".

 

Nothing would surprise me at this point. :|

 

I have a suspicion she is heading home for lunch some days...not alone.

 

The hardest part for me is letting it all go and just focusing on myself. Its obvious to me now that she does not respect me as her husband or a man. I am a paycheck pure and simple.

Edited February 5, 2015 by tim374

[dichotomy]

Nothing would surprise me at this point. :|

 

I have a suspicion she is heading home for lunch some days...not alone.

 

The hardest part for me is letting it all go and just focusing on myself. Its obvious to me now that she does not respect me as her husband or a man. I am a paycheck pure and simple.

 

 

Stop being a paycheck unless mandated by the courts to do so. Yes you do need to respect yourself, and let go of any respect you had for her. I

 

t can take time, but this is the point I was making about how in the end - I did not give a *** about what my ex wife did or felt, but how I conducted myself and how I felt about myself. I ended up being mad at myself ...and not my cheating ex wife. How you act and feel and believe is all you can control now.

[oldshirt]

It is IC. She refused a joint session.

 

She told me last night that she has no faith that we can work things out. She told me that she hasn't been in love with me for over 7 years and that she feels that if we try to work on things we'll end up back in the same situation.

 

Then her fangs came out. She seems to be purposely trying to hurt me. Telling me that the only reason she has stayed with me this long is that she would not be able to live the lifestyle she has grown accustomed to apart from me. She knew that I was safe and would not abuse her. In essence she has been using me.

 

Then she told me that if I wasn't monitoring the cellphones she would probably be still talking to the OM. That set me off and I went storming out of the room. She gave chase immediately and started apologizing saying that she didn't mean it and she was just trying to hurt me.

 

I hope my counselor is ready for the train-wreck that is coming to her office today...LOL

 

Ouch! I am sorry but this is way worse than what I was originally thinking.

 

 

Her affair was/is sexual and she is perhaps even in love with him, this goes way deeper than midlife blues and some office flirtation.

 

 

How she is lashing out and stiff-arming you is how women entrenched in affairs treat their husbands. This is just like someone getting a heart attack getting a strange feeling of pressure in their chest. This is a text book sign. Please take heed of it!!

 

 

You are going to have to go to Def Con 4 here. Get a lawyer today and start circling your wagons. Cancel the IC if you have to. Getting legal counsel and financial protection takes priority. Your feelings and relationship issues can wait. You need to get your home, assets and children protected first.

[oldshirt]

....and this is what we mean when we talk about peeling back layers and 'trickle-truthing' and tips of the ice berg etc etc.

 

 

Your are going to uncover some really ugly truths and trip over some nasty skeletons in the closet in the upcoming days. Please take this seriously and be proactive.

 

 

No harm will come from getting a lawyer and taking his/her advice whereas if you put your head in the sand and take a 'wait-and-see' approach, you could get royally screwed over.

[oldshirt]

My gut says

 

She has had sex, she is still doing so, and lying through her teeth. The separation is just to see if the thing with OM can be made more solid footing - and make it an easy transition for her to step to over to him permanently.

 

This is the way it played out in my first marriage.

 

If you can do it - hire a PI - but I would say your marriage is over. I am sorry.

 

I can also say that long after my first marriage ended, after the separation to let her play....what I regretted most was how I acted in this "in between time".

 

 

Just quoting Dichotomy to reinforce what he said ^^^

[beatcuff]

She told me last night that she has no faith that we can work things out. She told me that she hasn't been in love with me for over 7 years and that she feels that if we try to work on things we'll end up back in the same situation.

 

the next step you take will determine the outcome:

 

SLOW down. stop talking to her about your marriage. decide what YOU want (IC will help). like most marriages it was going down a path: you think it is X and she Y, the truth is Z.

 

in the meantime, stop looking at her cell (a/k/a suffocating), don't 'catch her' (there will be plenty of time for that later). i would go under the assumption she had A. start the 180. she is wondering whether to move forward with you or not. she holds all the power. you need to get some of it back (choosing your own path).

[tim374]

the next step you take will determine the outcome:

 

SLOW down. stop talking to her about your marriage. decide what YOU want (IC will help). like most marriages it was going down a path: you think it is X and she Y, the truth is Z.

 

in the meantime, stop looking at her cell (a/k/a suffocating), don't 'catch her' (there will be plenty of time for that later). i would go under the assumption she had A. start the 180. she is wondering whether to move forward with you or not. she holds all the power. you need to get some of it back (choosing your own path).

 

I see the counselor in 2 hours. I consulted with an attorney this morning. He is drawing up legal separation papers in case it comes to that. I have moved my savings into another account that she does not have access to.

 

/nervous

[tim374]

....and this is what we mean when we talk about peeling back layers and 'trickle-truthing' and tips of the ice berg etc etc.

 

 

Your are going to uncover some really ugly truths and trip over some nasty skeletons in the closet in the upcoming days. Please take this seriously and be proactive.

 

 

No harm will come from getting a lawyer and taking his/her advice whereas if you put your head in the sand and take a 'wait-and-see' approach, you could get royally screwed over.

 

I have already unearthed enough to make me question if I really knew her at all. Up to this point in the relationship she hid her dissatisfaction very well. I could never get her to really talk to me (should have been my first warning) and now that she is in the "truth box" I can't believe this is the woman I have been with for 20 years!

[tim374]

Stop being a paycheck unless mandated by the courts to do so. Yes you do need to respect yourself, and let go of any respect you had for her. I

 

t can take time, but this is the point I was making about how in the end - I did not give a *** about what my ex wife did or felt, but how I conducted myself and how I felt about myself. I ended up being mad at myself ...and not my cheating ex wife. How you act and feel and believe is all you can control now.

 

It is hard for me to be cold to her. I have never been good at it over the years. I was always the more emotional one. She used to call me "high-maintenance" because I craved her attention/affection. I was definitely quite the fool for her.

 

I am starting to put myself first and think about me and my daughter's future. I don't want her to be scarred over this whatever it turns out to be. She is already noticing the rift and getting very nervous.

[tim374]

Counselor suggested I hit her with some "expectations" not demands. She reminded me that I have a say in what develops here as well.

 

Counselor also suggested that I should expect her to join counseling with me or by herself. I *SHOULD* expect her to be working towards some solution and stop her scorched earth approach.

 

Counselor said if the wife refuses counseling then I have my answer but I was right to consult a lawyer.

 

I am starting the 180 and moving forward. It is going to be tough but I have to take care of me and my daughter's interests.

 

Counselor firmly believes that there is/was more to the affair and says there are probably more than I don't know about.

 

I have to say all of the suggestions and advice have been right on. Thanks to everyone for helping me through to this point.....time to start my journey!

 

T

[Mr. Lucky]

Many unfortunate graduates of the school of hard knocks posting here.

 

Several things to remember:

 

- she may already be getting legal advice herself

 

- she may try to provoke you into a heated or even physical altercation. You probably think she'd never go this far but did you think she'd go as far as she's already gone?

 

- Prioritize long-term outcome over short term satisfaction.

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

Counselor suggested I hit her with some "expectations" not demands. She reminded me that I have a say in what develops here as well.

 

Counselor also suggested that I should expect her to join counseling with me or by herself. I *SHOULD* expect her to be working towards some solution and stop her scorched earth approach.

 

Counselor said if the wife refuses counseling then I have my answer but I was right to consult a lawyer.

I am starting the 180 and moving forward. It is going to be tough but I have to take care of me and my daughter's interests.

 

Counselor firmly believes that there is/was more to the affair and says there are probably more than I don't know about.

 

I have to say all of the suggestions and advice have been right on. Thanks to everyone for helping me through to this point.....time to start my journey!

 

T

 

 

Sounds like you got a plan. Well done. Be the man your daughter needs to see, and you need to be. It will start with you and a change in how you approach your soon to be ex wife - your new life - and future relationships.

 

P.S.

 

Hit the gym. It will help. Some motivation

 

 

 

http://youtu.be/Os3WfKvQEak

Edited February 6, 2015 by dichotomy

[elaine567]

I know you have to look after yourself and I know it is easy to get bogged in the ins and outs of the affair, but you have to concentrate now on protecting yourself from the legal implications of this.

I guess your wife has planned this for months, if not years.

She as the "aggressor" and instigator of the break up, will be ahead of the game.

Forget whether she had sex with him or not, forget if it was behind the bike shed or a 5 star hotel, 6 weeks or 6 months or 6 years, it doesn't actually matter in the grand scheme of things.

You have to prioritise.

You have to protect your assets, your finances, your work, your property, your home, and your daughter.

DO NOT assume your wife is just a middle aged housewife swayed by "romance", and knows nothing, she may be, but do not underestimate her, she has a head start on you.

Otherwise 6 months from now, she may be living in your house with your daughter AND her new lover and you are in a one bed apartment, chain smoking, with a bottle of whiskey, wondering what happened.

[tim374]

I know you have to look after yourself and I know it is easy to get bogged in the ins and outs of the affair, but you have to concentrate now on protecting yourself from the legal implications of this.

I guess your wife has planned this for months, if not years.

She as the "aggressor" and instigator of the break up, will be ahead of the game.

Forget whether she had sex with him or not, forget if it was behind the bike shed or a 5 star hotel, 6 weeks or 6 months or 6 years, it doesn't actually matter in the grand scheme of things.

You have to prioritise.

You have to protect your assets, your finances, your work, your property, your home, and your daughter.

DO NOT assume your wife is just a middle aged housewife swayed by "romance", and knows nothing, she may be, but do not underestimate her, she has a head start on you.

Otherwise 6 months from now, she may be living in your house with your daughter AND her new lover and you are in a one bed apartment, chain smoking, with a bottle of whiskey, wondering what happened.

 

You are absolutely right Elaine. For the first few days I obsessed over this other person who seemed to be everything I wasn't. I was devastated, felt worthless and then the despair kicked in. I have slowly pulled myself up and realized that the only thing I can control is me. She has had months/years to think about all of this and I have had 4 days.

 

I did consult an attorney yesterday. Had my first IC session and have been trying to stay busy. Her and I will discuss my expectations going forward tonight. I *DO* have a say in how this plays out and she does not hold all of the cards. Legal separation will most likely be the next step for us and I don't expect she will want to go to joint sessions or even her own individual session. Her answer to that will determine my next move. She says she hasn't retained an attorney but she also said she would honor our marriage!

 

As I told the counselor yesterday, I have been with this woman my whole adult life. I don't know how to live any other way. It is time I got started! Its scary but exciting at the same time. I have more confidence in myself than ever and I will probably look back on this nightmare and know that it woke me up and made me a better man.

 

She did hit me with a request out of the blue last night. She asked me NOT to say anything to our parents about this yet. I'm not sure what she wants to work out first but I plan on talking to mine this weekend. I have no close friends or family to lean on, no support structure locally. All of her family is here plus I have a feeling she is being counseled by other women at work. I feel she is up to something with this but I am not sure. I did agree not to talk to her parents about it.

 

They would have a stroke if they learned of the things their sweet little angel has been saying and doing!

 

Happy Friday All!

 

T

[oldshirt]

You are absolutely right Elaine. For the first few days I obsessed over this other person who seemed to be everything I wasn't. I was devastated, felt worthless and then the despair kicked in. I have slowly pulled myself up and realized that the only thing I can control is me. She has had months/years to think about all of this and I have had 4 days.

 

I did consult an attorney yesterday. Had my first IC session and have been trying to stay busy. Her and I will discuss my expectations going forward tonight. I *DO* have a say in how this plays out and she does not hold all of the cards. Legal separation will most likely be the next step for us and I don't expect she will want to go to joint sessions or even her own individual session. Her answer to that will determine my next move. She says she hasn't retained an attorney but she also said she would honor our marriage!

 

As I told the counselor yesterday, I have been with this woman my whole adult life. I don't know how to live any other way. It is time I got started! Its scary but exciting at the same time. I have more confidence in myself than ever and I will probably look back on this nightmare and know that it woke me up and made me a better man.

 

She did hit me with a request out of the blue last night. She asked me NOT to say anything to our parents about this yet. I'm not sure what she wants to work out first but I plan on talking to mine this weekend. I have no close friends or family to lean on, no support structure locally. All of her family is here plus I have a feeling she is being counseled by other women at work. I feel she is up to something with this but I am not sure. I did agree not to talk to her parents about it.

 

They would have a stroke if they learned of the things their sweet little angel has been saying and doing!

 

Happy Friday All!

 

T

 

At this point I would caution you about breaking this to your family just yet.

 

If she suddenly come to her senses and does a 180 and you two decide to work things out, your family will forever hold a grudge and give her the evil eye and create more stress and conflict.

 

I recommend holding off on informing your family untill you know that indefinate separation/divorce is the final verdict.

 

 

Now you can disclose it to her family at will however. They will ultimately side with her and stand behind her, but depending on their character, they may at least initially be supportive of the marriage.

[tim374]

At this point I would caution you about breaking this to your family just yet.

 

If she suddenly come to her senses and does a 180 and you two decide to work things out, your family will forever hold a grudge and give her the evil eye and create more stress and conflict.

 

I recommend holding off on informing your family untill you know that indefinate separation/divorce is the final verdict.

 

 

Now you can disclose it to her family at will however. They will ultimately side with her and stand behind her, but depending on their character, they may at least initially be supportive of the marriage.

 

Funny you should say that ^^...

 

The two of us just had lunch and she says she is having thoughts of wanting to stay and work things out. I told her I was open to the idea but only if she agrees to first go to IC.

 

It is FRIGGIN AMAZING how a few of the 180 tips flip this whole situation around.

 

Unsure of her true motivations. I told her I am moving on with or without her. She tears up. I leave lunch feeling STRONG.

[oldshirt]

Funny you should say that ^^...

 

The two of us just had lunch and she says she is having thoughts of wanting to stay and work things out. I told her I was open to the idea but only if she agrees to first go to IC.

 

It is FRIGGIN AMAZING how a few of the 180 tips flip this whole situation around.

 

Unsure of her true motivations. I told her I am moving on with or without her. She tears up. I leave lunch feeling STRONG.

 

When you whine and snivvel and cry and beg, buy her flowers and rub her feet and try to negotiate her staying, all that does is give her all the power and she is free to see other men and jerk you around at her leisure.

 

When you detach yourself from the emotions and draw a line in the sand and move on with your own life, that strips her of her power over you and puts her in a sht or get off the pot position.

 

My hunch and the thoughts of some of the other posters here is this separation idea of hers was to keep you on reserve while she test drives this OM a little more thoroughly to see if she can make e jump to him.

 

If you beg and plead and negotiate, that gives her the opportunity to test drive him while keeping you and her old lifestyle securely on back up.

 

If you keep on trucking with your own life without regards to her, that will destabilize her and blow up her plans and generate a ton of insecurity in herself and she will also start to really evaluate the OM on multiple levels and not just how cute he is and how much fun they have, but also looking into what kind of life he will provide.

 

9 times out of 10, other men are just out for some extra poontang on the side and will not hold up to a thorough evaluation. Most other men will also turn tail and run once the WW gets real serious about leaving her H.

 

You are doing well all things considered so don't waiver and don't back pedal now. Get divorce papers drawn up and ready file. Make two appointments, one with your lawyer to present her your divorce proposal and the other with a MC and give her the option of MC following your rules or recieving the divorce proposal and then you filing.

 

Whoever has the strongest frame and from the position of the most determination will win.

[oldshirt]

Any updates?

[tim374]

Sorry I haven't posted lately been busy separating my life and working on me!

 

After presenting her with divorce papers she asked me for a 30 day "timeout". I agreed to it with the understanding that if at the end of 30 days she is not working towards resolving these issues in our marriage with MC and IC I was filing.

 

It is very hard to live under the same roof with her at times. I've become very good friends with my treadmill LOL.

 

Bank accounts are separate now as well as utilities.

 

I still love her very much but I cannot risk being jerked around and left on a leash for months on end. She has yet to schedule any counseling and is going around most of the time as if nothing has ever happened!

 

I have been putting all of my energy into myself and my daughter.

 

She absolutely refuses to talk about our marriage in the meantime. She only seems concerned with how bad her job sucks.