Scared

[solostand]

Just to be clear, I could contact exMM on vacation. I have all the contact numbers, even the one at the condo he is staying at. Choose not to use them.

[Mount]

That is good. But NC at this point for you is that, even MM contacts you, you stick with NC, which means ignoring him, will you? And stick with it and no more turn-around, back to the exact SQ One over and over again.

 

 

 

Just to be clear, I could contact exMM on vacation. I have all the contact numbers, even the one at the condo he is staying at. Choose not to use them.

[solostand]

Every post you write in Solo's threads is negative. Just stop reading her posts. Cripes. There are hundreds of other threads. Go find one.

 

Don't worry, she's on my ignore list so I can't even see her insults.

[Mount]

To provide a straightforward/non-sugar coating opinion you called it as "insulting", but for those loser/dirtbag giving your his wife home-made sandwich, and tiny bit attention you called it as "love".

 

No wonder people has the destiny they choose to have or to be. Everything happens for a reason.

 

 

Don't worry, she's on my ignore list so I can't even see her insults.

[beach]

Just to be clear, I could contact exMM on vacation. I have all the contact numbers, even the one at the condo he is staying at. Choose not to use them.

 

I hope you stay strong Solo.

 

What's new in your world?

[solostand]

Still strong. It will be three weeks NC today. I have made the shortlist for a very good job that will see me moving pretty well immediately. I really really hope I get it so I can leave all this behind. I don't plan to tell him I'm moving either - I will just move.

 

If I don't get the job, I will maintain NC. As time moves on, I find myself coming to terms with the fact that is over. I am making myself think that way. However, he still invades my thoughts far far too often. Like all day, every day. But the pain is not as acute, and I think I've got this!

 

I still toy with the idea of telling his wife the truth. I covered for him, and I know he's gaslighting her - and sometimes I think she deserves to know what a horrible husband she has.

Edited February 15, 2015 by solostand

[cozycottagelg]

I wouldn't bother telling her the truth if you plan on moving. If you stick around however and he comes back trying to win you over, tell him that if he reaches out to you again, you will tell her everything. Use it as leverage to maintain NC.

[solostand]

Four weeks NC and getting slightly better.

 

However, I keep having thoughts of telling BS the truth and backing it up with evidence - which I have.

 

My motives for this is partly revenge - partly anger - partly a feeling she deserves to know the whole truth.

 

After Dday I covered for him to his wife. He put her on the phone and I lied, saying we were just friends.

 

I am writing this here so I won't do it. She is 67 and doesn't need the trauma and I'm sure she knows enough.

 

But I know the truth would blow their marriage out of the water - - he told me he is convinced 100 per cent she'd dump his sorry ass if she knew the whole truth.

 

Anyone else feel this way?

[missannoyed]

Go for it I say. Not fair for the W. But I understand where you are coming from. Get revenge then go full NC! I'm so over MM and their narcistic drama.

[Ruffian1]

You should have been honest with her when you had the chance the first time.

Let it go, do not mess with MM anymore.

[purplesorrow]

She won't believe you now. Just leave it be. I knew ow was lying to me the first time I talked to her so nothing she said after that mattered. She never corrected her lie even when trying to apologize.

[Popsicle]

Absolutely not. It would be more healthier for you to move on.

[stillmind]

I think the BS has a right to know and normally I do think the BS should be told, but not in this situation.

 

We all have to prioritize our own health, solo, and the drama of this affair has damaged you, hurt your progress in AA and jeopardized your sobriety.

 

You helped do a terrible, damaging thing to an innocent woman but you need to love yourself as well. Don't get involved in this drama any more. Move on, be healthy, love life. If she contacts you again I think you should tell the truth, but don't reach out and start this viciousness again. Focus on your own health.

[Cinnimon]

I think deep down inside she probably already knows the " truth ". I understand how you feel. But I think if you really think about the outcome it wouldn't make you feel any better. I think it would just make you feel worse. He'll throw you under the bus, lie about it , dirty you up , try to explain away your evidence and even after all is said and done she might just decide she still wants to reconcile with him. I don't see how any of that would help you and not just cause you 10 times the amount of pain and anger. Even if she believed every thing and kicked him to the curb and he came running to you, would you want him knowing you had to force him?

I'm sorry you are going through this but sometimes you'be just got to go through it, not over it, not under it, not around it, just through it.

Hugs.

[whichwayisup]

I think the BS has a right to know and normally I do think the BS should be told, but not in this situation.

 

We all have to prioritize our own health, solo, and the drama of this affair has damaged you, hurt your progress in AA and jeopardized your sobriety.

 

You helped do a terrible, damaging thing to an innocent woman but you need to love yourself as well. Don't get involved in this drama any more. Move on, be healthy, love life. If she contacts you again I think you should tell the truth, but don't reach out and start this viciousness again. Focus on your own health.

 

I agree. You had chances and balked every time. It's been four weeks of NC, you're angry and want him to suffer. She knows he's had an affair, she doesn't need to know the details of how many times you two had sex etc... She knows enough! And, NOT ALL want to know 100%. She is a new grandmother, she's pushing close to 70. NOBODY at that age wants to 'start over' with a new life. LEAVE her alone.

 

Part of me feels you want to do this to create drama. You've admitted in the past that you are addicted to it, so for your own sake, her sake, let it go. Focus on healing and getting that new job so you can move far away, start your life clean slate with him NOT in it at all.

[beach]

How are you doing staying sober Solo? I'm hoping you are being good to yourself.

 

Did you hear anything about the new job?

[jellybean89]

Solo,

 

Time to grow up. Seriously. Get rid of your 'evidence'. Stop using is as a tool to hurt a woman you don't even know. She did NOTHING to you. She didn't cause you to break your sobriety - he did. She didn't feed you a pack of lies. He did. She didn't tell you to sleep with her husband. She didn't do a dang thing to you, yet you repeatedly post about all your damning evidence that will hurt her beyond words. We know you have it all on tape - him saying he wanted her dead (yet you continued your affair with him). Get rid of it and every other momento you have saved from your affair with this old jerk. Stop holding on to the past - in memories and items.

 

You will never move forward if you keep one foot in the past. Move forward.

[Mount]

As predicted, each time your drama seems to be lay low, you are craving more stimulant or drama again.

 

Let the MM go, he will not gain anything good from you, same to you too. You won't have formal marriage, official courtship or anything good from him. What else do you want from him...doesn't enough is enough?

 

Four weeks NC and getting slightly better.

 

However, I keep having thoughts of telling BS the truth and backing it up with evidence - which I have.

 

My motives for this is partly revenge - partly anger - partly a feeling she deserves to know the whole truth.

 

After Dday I covered for him to his wife. He put her on the phone and I lied, saying we were just friends.

 

I am writing this here so I won't do it. She is 67 and doesn't need the trauma and I'm sure she knows enough.

 

But I know the truth would blow their marriage out of the water - - he told me he is convinced 100 per cent she'd dump his sorry ass if she knew the whole truth.

 

Anyone else feel this way?

[awkward]

You lost all credibility when you lied to her. She won't believe a word of what you say now.

 

Leave her alone. Try to get your drama fix by watching soaps.

[solostand]

How are you doing staying sober Solo? I'm hoping you are being good to yourself.

 

Did you hear anything about the new job?

 

I am staying sober, not going to the meetings we used to go to together, going to different meetings.

 

I had a second interview for the job and I really really hope I get it because I will have to move right away. A fresh start is what I need. Leave him in the dust.

 

And no, I'm not gonna tell her. Yesterday was a bad day. I hate Sundays.

[Cali408]

Smart move not telling her. Now burn the evidence, throw it away. I'm glad you're staying sober. Stay sober from him, don't think about him. You're doing great. I understand you need to rant once in a while.

[Lady2163]

I agree not to tell the wife. I'm an ageist, I guess. I'm the first one to loom for reasons NOT to tell the betrayed person.

 

Just keep doing what you're doing. Good luck on the job!

[whichwayisup]

I am staying sober, not going to the meetings we used to go to together, going to different meetings.

 

I had a second interview for the job and I really really hope I get it because I will have to move right away. A fresh start is what I need. Leave him in the dust.

 

And no, I'm not gonna tell her. Yesterday was a bad day. I hate Sundays.

 

Yes, this is good on levels.

 

She knows he's had an affair. That's it, how she handles it and what she decides to do with this information is up to her. You can't force her to leave him and divorce, she does NOT want to start over and give up the life she's only known for the past 30+ years. Not all are strong enough to start over and be alone that age, at least by choice.

 

Hope you get that job! That would for sure give you a clean start and create a new, healthy and happier (DRAMA FREE!!) life for yourself.

[cozycottagelg]

Could you move anyway? If you are willing to move for a job, couldn't you move regardless of the new opportunity? You could start looking for jobs in that area. Just an idea <3

[solostand]

I am applying for jobs all over the country. My son lives about a thousand miles away and I'm looking there as well. Doesn't help that where I live, we received six feet of snow in one storm last week - snow that covered houses to the rooftop. That's on top of the six feet we already had and more storm tomorrow. Very bleak.

 

Yesterday I went to the support group that me and xMM used to attend together. I felt I was safe since I knew he wouldn't be there, but it did trigger me.

 

Also, I noticed that people treat me very differently now than they did before I got involved with MM. Much colder. Almost like someone with a scarlet letter. I never noticed this before - too tied up with sitting with MM and being known, as quoted to him by his wife, as "the sweethearts" of the support group. I was so in the fog that I didn't even consider how this very open affair was affecting my reputation. Then later a man approached me to ask me about exMM's health. Very awkward.