I need to get over my affair partner, and forgive myself

[lovinDKT3]

He does deserve better. I know that. He says our marriage is good tho, and he wants to stay together. Splitting up would be impractical, hurt the children and create lots of issues.

 

The EA only started in November and was over before Christmas. Since then it's just been some weird kind of infatuation/addiction. I'm not making excuses, just saying.

 

He does deserve better though.

 

I'm not in counselling.

 

He thinks the marriage is good because he doesn't know the real you, he doesn't know the things you have done and will (I have not doubt) continue to do.

 

I thought this very thing when I was in your shoes. Once my husband knew the truth he divorced me without much conversation. It was the things that I did after the affair that finally pushed him over the edge. The same things I see you doing now. You know he won't accept the things you've done and your unwilling to accept responsibility for those actions. And yet you continue to defend OM and handle him with kid gloves with all this talk about how no one likes him but you, your all he has blah blah. So what, its his fault he has no friends, clearly its because he is a jacka ss.

[lovinDKT3]

Another thing, somewhere along the line you convinced yourself that OM was the one person that could validate your self worth. You have been whoring yourself out every since, ruining relationships, entering relationships and hurting others all in the effort to gain his approval. This is why I doubt you will ever be free of him. No matter how bad he is to you, you will keep chasing his validation, you will keep hurting any one that gets in the way of that. Then you excuse yourself with all the pity, or woo is me stuff. All of this talk of being unworthy of your husband is your excuse. If your not worthy then there is no reason to be a better person. Stop all the crap, grow up and own your sh*t.

[beach]

Why don't you get honest with your H and tell him you had sex with your OM?

 

You keep minimizing things to protect yourself from your bad behavior.

 

 

Your H has every right to know you had sex and placed him and the M at a much bigger risk than you presented.

 

 

Stop making it all about you. You've harmed your H and he needs your truth. That way he can make a decision based on what's real - not based on what further lies you're telling to cover up for yourself.

[starglider]

Hi StellaM,

 

I feel for you and was in a similar situation, in my case, having an EA with a man who I knew had much less integrity than my H. My OM wasn't cruel and our connection didn't turn into a PA, but it was still very rough experience. I understand the limerance, the addictive nature of it, and feel convinced that something about the toxic connection over-rides the normal sentiments of empathy/guilt toward your husband and totally messes up your moral compass. Like you, I intellectually knew how lucky I was to have my H and my M, but felt powerless to the ego fix/excitement/obsessive thoughts of the OM.

 

I advise you WHOLEHEARTEDLY to do NC too and can recommend the website called step to heal dot com that has on-line videos and journaling assignments to help get you through NC from a positive psychology point of view. It even helps highlight your path, in this case pointing out that yours is unhealthy relationship, and helps fill the emptiness and void with things to help get you through the soul crushing addiction of the OM so you can make it through NC and begin to heal yourself. My breakthrough session was remembering the time in my life when I was at my most independent self (remembering how content I was too) and making a list of things/activities I Loved Doing, Liked Doing, and Things that Weren't So Bad. Reading and re-reading this list helped to fill the void for me.

 

Limerance is all about you. It is not about the OM or your H. Once you start healing yourself, I think you will authentically see the value and beauty of your relationship with you H (yes, you "see" that your H is great but you won't fully appreciate and "get" how lucky you are to have him until you make it further along) and I do hope you are fortunate enough to have him stand by you through this because I think you can heal if you are strong enough to truly truly give up you addiction to the OM.

 

People come into and out of our lives for a reason and I hope the OM goes out of your life so that you and your H can remain together.

 

Once you break the fog/addiction/obsession with OM -- if you do it really soon, then you'll be ready for full disclosure to your H. Having him really understand the depth of your connection/dependence on him will help you avoid relapses to the heroin fix.

 

I've been thanking God the last few weeks that my H is such a good and strong man to stand by me through this so far as we've been doing our work together to strengthen our M. It does get better. Or at least it can if you 100% give in to NC.

 

Good luck.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Thank you. You're right. He didn't make me go NC, or get back in touch, or stay in touch, or any of it. They were all decisions I made based on my reaction to what he did/said, and my own wants and downfalls.

 

You're right. I need IC. I need to change my thoughts and behaviour. I desperately want to be a better person. Self aware and not self deluding. And somehow make ammends for all I've done to my H and DC.

 

I'm saying all this about the OM because I KNOW he's egocentric, callous, glib, self-indulgent and a million more things, and he does not care about me at all, he never has, and the things he has said to me are completely unacceptable and unforgiveable; but at the same time I'm convinced I'm not wrong about the shared past, the emotionally intelligent side of him I've seen, all the times we have been close and our 'connection'.

 

Your "connection" is based on unhealthy views of self.

 

There is a reason why addictions counsellors try to get their clients to permanently end all contact with the "addictions buddies". Because the relationship has been based on feeding each other's destructive behaviours. It is darn near impossible to reformat the relationship, as the wiring between the two is tangled. Much easier to buddy up with someone who is on the road to recovery or firmly established in their recovery.

 

Once you realize that the connection has been based on the worse parts of yourself, you will not want to touch that with a ten foot pole.

[jbrent890]

Stella you can look on this website and others like it. Most BHs will tell you it wasn't just the cheating that did them in, it was subsequent lies and minimizations. Each time they learned of something new, it was like D Day all over again. You only have one chance of getting this right. If your husband finds out you lied about the physical part, he will leave you. That much I can promise you. Trust your husband Stella. Show him that you chosen him and that you want this affair to be over. Currently, you talk a big game, but I'm not feeling it from you. As it stands, I think you are going to go back to this guy. Letting your husband know the full truth can stop that from happening. Lastly, your using your experience as reason to not tell. What you are failing to realize is that there is a drastic difference between your experience and what your husband will go through. Your ex wasn't there for you to help you through the pain. In fact, he rubbed it in your face. You're not your ex Stella. Your husband will have you there to help him through it. You first need to be honest with him though.

[beach]

Forgive yourself?

 

I never understand that statement coming from the cheater who has yet to be honest with the betrayed spouse... It's still all about you and not considering how your H will feel when he learns you've had sex with your "friend".

 

 

What does that really mean, exactly?

[stellamaria]

Forgive yourself?

 

I never understand that statement coming from the cheater who has yet to be honest with the betrayed spouse... It's still all about you and not considering how your H will feel when he learns you've had sex with your "friend".

 

 

What does that really mean, exactly?

I already said I am back pedalling with the "forgive myself" comment. I didn't mean that.

 

So I can only move on and fix my M and avoid hurting my H more by hurting my H unbearably in the first place? Hmm, just seems horrible.

[stellamaria]

Stella you can look on this website and others like it. Most BHs will tell you it wasn't just the cheating that did them in, it was subsequent lies and minimizations. Each time they learned of something new, it was like D Day all over again. You only have one chance of getting this right. If your husband finds out you lied about the physical part, he will leave you. That much I can promise you. Trust your husband Stella. Show him that you chosen him and that you want this affair to be over. Currently, you talk a big game, but I'm not feeling it from you. As it stands, I think you are going to go back to this guy. Letting your husband know the full truth can stop that from happening. Lastly, your using your experience as reason to not tell. What you are failing to realize is that there is a drastic difference between your experience and what your husband will go through. Your ex wasn't there for you to help you through the pain. In fact, he rubbed it in your face. You're not your ex Stella. Your husband will have you there to help him through it. You first need to be honest with him though.

Thank you - I see this. It makes sense.

[stellamaria]

Your "connection" is based on unhealthy views of self.

 

There is a reason why addictions counsellors try to get their clients to permanently end all contact with the "addictions buddies". Because the relationship has been based on feeding each other's destructive behaviours. It is darn near impossible to reformat the relationship, as the wiring between the two is tangled. Much easier to buddy up with someone who is on the road to recovery or firmly established in their recovery.

 

Once you realize that the connection has been based on the worse parts of yourself, you will not want to touch that with a ten foot pole.

Okay, that makes a lot of sense. Thanks very much. I really appreciate what you've wrote. I know I might not be in the best frame of mind right now to help myself all that much, but I want to, and I'm grateful that you're making me see the destructive relationship for what it is, and yes, I don't want a relationship ever again that is based on the worst parts of myself connecting with someone, however strong that connection seems.

[harrybrown]

you should tell your H everything that is going on and the way he treats you, no wonder he does not have other friends.

 

How would you feel if your H had an A like you are?

 

think about it, really think about it. And for your kids and your family, you should stop all contact with the OM and especially this next visit.

 

Call it off now, think about your family and not his user and abuser.

 

He is not a good friend and treats you rotten. I hope you would never in a million years let him be around your young children.

 

Stop now and please tell your H . You have to get off the drugs of the OM now.

[stellamaria]

Hi StellaM,

 

I feel for you and was in a similar situation, in my case, having an EA with a man who I knew had much less integrity than my H. My OM wasn't cruel and our connection didn't turn into a PA, but it was still very rough experience. I understand the limerance, the addictive nature of it, and feel convinced that something about the toxic connection over-rides the normal sentiments of empathy/guilt toward your husband and totally messes up your moral compass. Like you, I intellectually knew how lucky I was to have my H and my M, but felt powerless to the ego fix/excitement/obsessive thoughts of the OM.

 

I advise you WHOLEHEARTEDLY to do NC too and can recommend the website called step to heal dot com that has on-line videos and journaling assignments to help get you through NC from a positive psychology point of view. It even helps highlight your path, in this case pointing out that yours is unhealthy relationship, and helps fill the emptiness and void with things to help get you through the soul crushing addiction of the OM so you can make it through NC and begin to heal yourself. My breakthrough session was remembering the time in my life when I was at my most independent self (remembering how content I was too) and making a list of things/activities I Loved Doing, Liked Doing, and Things that Weren't So Bad. Reading and re-reading this list helped to fill the void for me.

 

Limerance is all about you. It is not about the OM or your H. Once you start healing yourself, I think you will authentically see the value and beauty of your relationship with you H (yes, you "see" that your H is great but you won't fully appreciate and "get" how lucky you are to have him until you make it further along) and I do hope you are fortunate enough to have him stand by you through this because I think you can heal if you are strong enough to truly truly give up you addiction to the OM.

 

People come into and out of our lives for a reason and I hope the OM goes out of your life so that you and your H can remain together.

 

Once you break the fog/addiction/obsession with OM -- if you do it really soon, then you'll be ready for full disclosure to your H. Having him really understand the depth of your connection/dependence on him will help you avoid relapses to the heroin fix.

 

I've been thanking God the last few weeks that my H is such a good and strong man to stand by me through this so far as we've been doing our work together to strengthen our M. It does get better. Or at least it can if you 100% give in to NC.

 

Good luck.

Thank you. Your whole message was thought provoking and helpful. I am definitely sticking with NC now, I'm going to work hard to get through the addiction/obsession. I've gone to the website and will work through it. Thank you.

[Patna]

Thanks. The same to you.

 

How long is it that you have been NC? And did you tell your H about it?

 

I do appreciate my H a lot. I tell him every day how much I value him. My behaviour hasn't shown that tho, I know. But I do appreciate him.

 

You definitely didn't appreciate your husband enough to be afraid to lose him. If you had, you would have been more affected on your A affecting your H, rather than missing your AP. I'm not saying you won't miss your AP, but rather if you had admire your husband more than your AP, your AP would never had so much head space.

 

I had been in NC for 3.5 months now. I first confessed to my husband a year ago when we ended because we wanted to rebuild our marriage. He thought it was a EA though. AP came back almost immediately, or rather I allowed him to. We continued the A & 9 months later after I confessed, my H found some texts & realised we are still together & it was a PA. It was then I realised how much a PA could hurt him. I saw the look in his face. I broke off the A shortly after. During the NC, I was obsessed with missing the AP, but I always tell myself that it is just the withdrawal symptoms & that the obsession will pass. I spent all my time in work, with my husband & children, household chores & meeting up with a good friend. I did everything to just distract myself away from AP & not focus on him.

 

The withdrawal symptoms lasted me about 6 weeks. Since then there are days when I still cry when I miss him, but the number of days gradually lessen as the days goes by . I still miss AP but its no longer that obsessive. I finally blocked his number about 3 weeks ago. I had never block his number even when I attempted to do NC twice before, so this was a real breakthrough to me. It took me 3 months to finally block his number but hey, at least i'm getting somewhere. One day, you'll get there too.

 

I always knew how toxic our A was. He didn't treat me well. I was an emotional wreck. But it was after the withdrawal period has gone, did I finally see the full extent of the damages in my life. Before that, my feelings for him outweigh all toxicity in our A & my life. I knew it was toxic but knowledge wasn't enough to stop me till after the withdrawal period & you begin to see for once clearly. Right now, you are just clouded by your withdrawal symptoms & seems helpless to stop those obsessive thoughts or actions. After about 2.5 months NC, I finally no longer want to see him or even hear from him anymore even when I missed him. Because I know he does me no good in any way. It was also only after the withdrawal period that I finally was able to put my whole heart into R with my H. Don't judge anything yet till you give yourself time to work through the withdrawal period of NC. Stay strong. Never succumb to contact because it would ruin your life & marriage.

[stellamaria]

Just an update on here to say I have stuck to the NC. He has made a few attempts to try and re-establish contact and I've ignored him.

 

It's still painful and I still think about him A LOT. The idea of never having him in my life at any point in the future is not nice, but I can tolerate it now. But I'm doing a good job of faking being happier, I think, and feelings for my H have been coming back.

[No Limit]

Have you informed your husband? Or should AP do it?

[stellamaria]

Have you informed your husband? Or should AP do it?

How do you mean? Why would AP do it?

[the_artist_1970]

I think this fixation on the OM is just a symptom of something being wrong in your marriage. If you were that happy with your husband, this situation would not have occurred. I think it's possible that there's something going on beneath the surface that you're not consciously aware of, but you're struggling with it subconsciously.

 

Try to let go of the OM. If he has told you he doesn't want a future with you, then that's the end of the line. Spend your time thinking about whether you really want to stay in your marriage or not.

 

This is not true. The truth is something is usually wrong with the cheater which causes them to cheat.

[road]

Glad you realized the OM was just using you as an ego boost. He only wanted to bed you when he needed a boost. He never wanted to date you.

 

 

Good people do not use friends.

[HereNorThere]

Every single day that you keep lying, every day you allow the AP to remain friends with your husband, is really no different than cheating. You continue to humiliate and disrespect him, and we're supposed to believe that you care about him?

 

Nah, you only care about you. Don't worry, AP will ruin it for you one way or another. The time you spent lying will only compound his pain and grief.

[stellamaria]

Every single day that you keep lying, every day you allow the AP to remain friends with your husband, is really no different than cheating. You continue to humiliate and disrespect him, and we're supposed to believe that you care about him?

 

Nah, you only care about you. Don't worry, AP will ruin it for you one way or another. The time you spent lying will only compound his pain and grief.

H and AP are not friends, they've never been friends.

 

I do care about my H. A great deal.

[Hobbes' wagon]

If you cared about your husband and your kids, you would tell him the full truth. I hope eventually you will realise that. Please, get yourself into counselling!

[Paenitentiae]

StellaMarie, your story sounds very similar to mine, and as someone who has been through this, I really feel for you. It is an awful feeling that I wouldn't wish on anyone. When I was still involved with the OM, (someone I considered a very close friend), I could not imagine breaking off our friendship. He seemed to, at the very least, truly want to be friends, and I rationalized to myself that I'd rather be just friends than not have him in my life at all. Of course, this can't work. I wanted to be with him, and he apparently wanted nothing more than casual sex. Based on the fact that you already tried NC with The OM, I think you know that the only way to truly get over him is to have true, 100% NC. Yes, it will hurt like hell, and it will take awhile, but speaking as someone who never thought I'd get over this, if I can move on and be happy again, then so can you. If you truly still care for your husband, I believe you can get back to those feelings of love, that relationship that you once had with your husband when you felt he was the only one for you, but only if you have true NC with the other man. Just as any break-up, as long as you are in contact with the OM, you will subconsciously be holding out hope for something more, and you will never be able to move on, no matter how hard you try. And while it hurts, it will eventually be helpful to realize that, although you consider each other close friends, the OM is no true friend to you. He is thinking only of himself while having his cake and eating it too. What really struck me is when you said that your OM made it clear that he didnt want anything more, yet he had no problem with having sex with you on the side when it suited him. This is not okay. My OM acted much the same way, and despite his refusal to actually be with you when it really comes down to it, I'm sure your OM future-faked as much as my OM did in an effort to keep what he had going. My OM built up my hopes like you wouldn't imagine, describing in detail all the time we would spend together in the future, and how amazing it would be, casually proclaiming he'd break up with his girlfriend, but when it really came down to it, he couldn't do it. Then, at the end, he claimed "I never said I would break up with her," even though he told me innumerable times he would, built up my hopes for the future, and at one point even told me he did break up with her and then begged me to visit him, describing the amazing weekend we'd have together, both sexually, and just enjoying each other's' company. It is difficult to admit how cruel and calculating these men who we care for so much truly are, but make no mistakes about it, the OM is not a very good friend if he would expect you to continue a casual sexual relationship with him knowing full well that you have feelings for him AND that you are in a relationship with someone else. Maybe he doesn't want to lose your friendship, but the fact that he can't sympathize with the fact that you want more and he doesn't, and can't undestand how difficult that is for you, tells me that hebodies by respect you the way he should. He, like many OM out there, just wants the best of both worlds; to have his cake and eat it too. I know that this may not register with you right now. Before I broke it off for good with my OM, I made a million excuses for why I needed him in my life, for why he wasn't like the others. Now that I have come out nearly on the other side and can see without my blinders on, I can admit how cruel it is for men like this to string us along, to lead us on and build up hope for a future that they know will never happen, to take advantage of the fact that we care for them so deeply, just to get their rocks off when they see fit. I am obviously no saint; I have made many horrible choices in this matter, and deeply regret my decisions, but it seems the fundamental difference between you and your OM is that you feel remorse, discontent with this situation which is causing you obvious turmoil, and you are looking for a way out, while your OM would be perfectly content to carry on in this affair with no further commitment for an indefinite amount of time. This is fundamentally cruel, selfish, and downright wrong. I think you know in your heart that thus needs to end, and only then, after the dust has settled, will you be able to move on and finally be happy. Once again, I truly feel for you, and I have faith that you will be able to move on from this and be happy once again. Please feel free to PM me at any time if you ever need someone to talk to. I wish you the best. Lots of love <3

[sammy7111]

Pantra how can you give anyone advice after what you did to your husband. I read that you wouldn't put up with him having a affair.

[road]

Women and men can never be just friends.