I need to get over my affair partner, and forgive myself

[Friskyone4u]

Stella

You are facing or trying to face your issues but I hope you realize that if you continue to be in contact with this OM, and your husband finds out you are still in the affair , that you may lose your marriage.

To be honest with you out does not sound like your husband has done anything to force you off the fence and that he is still in denial . His allowing you to rugs weep this is going to be his undoing if he continues to bury his head in the sand and hope it goes away.

You husband needs IC and he needs to set some firm boundaries of what he will not accept from you. Given you own admitted selfish nature and feeling of entitlement you will not get through this left to do what you want with no consequences.

[jbrent890]

How does that work here? "OM is not interested, so I choose you"

 

 

Because often they are.

WS is guilt tripped into staying for the sake of the kids or doesn't want to lose status/finances/possessions etc.

 

BSs always want WSs to confess as they were cheated on and didn't know, but you have to weigh up what this may do to your kids here, broken homes are not good for kids, you H already knows about the EA, a PA is a different kettle of fish, men have a hard time accepting their wives had sex with another man, in this case another man he already despises and hates.

 

If you confess all, through some sort of attempt to assuage your guilt, remember your H may file for divorce ASAP. Are you prepared for that?

 

Why is it that you always think that confession is a means to assuage guilt? Can it just be used as a tool to show your spouse that you are actually sorry and that you choose them? I agree with a lot of your advice Elaine but this. You seem to think that confession ruins the marriage. No, the fact that the WS cheated did. Marriage isn't about someone making unilateral decisions for both people. It isn't her marriage, it's theirs. If her husband decides to leave, then that's his right and I think it's wrong to take that away from him. Telling people to run away from the consequnces of their actions is so childish. Would you tell your children to run away from their problems? Her cheating was selfish. Her not confessing to keep her husband in the marriage is just as selfish.

[stellamaria]

It seems to me if I read this correctly that you have not been honest with your husband and told him that you actually had sex with the OM which is unfair. You and your husband both need to get tested for STD's.

 

You keep saying how much you love your husband and marriage and yet you continue to cheat on him and were even willing to meet up with the OM again on your birthday. You may say you love your husband but your actions say different. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and your actions speak volumes about your disrespect to your husband and your marriage. How would you feel if your husband was cheating behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's?

 

1. You need to be honest with your husband and tell him that you have had sex with the OM and stop trying to manipulate your husband.

2. You and your husband need to get tested for STD's.

3. You need to get into individual therapy to understand why you are self-destructive.

4. If you refuse to cut your relationship with the OM then divorce your husband and let him find someone else who will truly love and respect him because your actions show that you are indeed not that person.

Thank you for your post. I agree. I know it's unfair, the whole thing is unfair and I know all of my stupid and selfish decisions have caused this now. I am trying to be honest and I have worked out that I want the adoration and long-term commitment of my H and I also am addicted to the drama/mindgames/abuse of the OM. I know it's selfish and hateful (and a bit late to think about it now) but I really don't want my kids to grow up with their parents separated. They are only 4 and 3 and it would affect them badly, not just now, but years of having two addresses, new step-parents in the future, all of that. My family would hate me (and I have issues there already) and his family would too, and I've got years of having to see them at family events and stuff. I know this sounds selfish but the PA started in November, was over by Christmas and the EA I want over now - I'm not making excuses because I should have thought about the realities of the impact of having an affair on everyone BEFORE I did it, but total honesty with H will crush him, and I don't believe he would leave me (I know he deserves a better wife, but I am also the mother of our kids). I'm not trying to manipulate him though. I just wish there was a way to go back.

 

Okay, the reason I was going to still meet the OM this week is because it's his brother's birthday, and his brother killed himself. And we are long-term friends. In fact I'm his only friend. He asked me in a way that made it hard to refuse - he said he's spend the day curled up in bed crying if I wasn't there. And I was torn, so agreed. But I know it was wrong to agree and I'm not going to go.

 

OM has asked me every week for the last month to meet and I haven't, and I specifically said this time that if we met, it was to be as friends only, i.e. no sex.

 

I know that sounds so pathetically. I can read it myself and it sounds so "yeah, right" but the reality is I have always felt responsible for him and tried to look after him/fix him. I see now that all of that compounded into this situation we have now.

 

I'm not going to go and see the OM next week tho. I want NC. I want to be strong enough to go for NC. I have told my H a lot and he's asked me if I will block OM off completely and permanently, and I want to.

 

We don't need testing for STDs. OM has only slept with me in about 8 years or more, and only had two partners before me.

[Patna]

Hi stellamaria, my hubby was also a very good hubby & father to our girls. We didn't have major issues in our marriage too. Yes, there were quarrels & disagreements, but weren't anything significant enough to damage the marriage. Yet I had an affair too for 1.5 yrs. It has ended, but I still haven't gotten over AP nor have I been able to forgive myself too.

 

I realised as perfect or near perfect our husbands may be, problems set in when we stopped admiring them. Yes, I love him a lot, but the appreciation & admiration as a lover for him had been lost along the way without me realizing it, until when we were in reconciliation & talking about it did I realise it. I'm learning to do that now. Remember, whatever we put our focus on, that will grow. When we focus on our husband & reconciliation, the admiration & appreciation will also grow. In turn, the opposite will happen if we deliberately focus lesser on our AP. I'm sure as bad you make the AP to be, there must be qualities about him or not things he did for you that makes you admire him & fall deeply with him. In order to fall back in love or to love your husband more, focus on the things he does for you. Be appreciative and admire him just like how you were so easily happy when he first courted you. It may be tough in the beginning because you may miss AP & it will cloud your judgement & blind whatever your hubby is doing for you. That is why you had to make a very concious effort to do it.

 

You seem to focus a lot now on AP because sometimes, we want what we cannot have. We can only miss what is not there. Your husband to you, is always there, thus your focus will not be on him. But if you deliberately set your mind on reconciliation, you will find that this need of your AP will gradually lessen. It may never disappear, but the "love" or "feelings" for him will gradually lessen. It cannot happen overnight, but it's a deliberate effort everyday.

 

Everyone will tell you to go NC. It's true. As cliche as it sounds, it's the only way you can be over this addiction. Some days are harder, but eventually you'll get there when your husband fills your mind more than the AP. In between, you'll probably fall & miss your AP badly, but these are days you need to stay stronger & not give in. Take each day at a time. I always tell myself, not today. Never give in now that you are in NC. The first few weeks are always the toughest, but trash it out & that desire to see or even hear from him will be gone as you slowly begin to see things more clearly when you aren't clouded by your roller coaster emotions anymore. Remember, when you miss a person, you'll remember more of the good memories than the bad. It takes time before you finally see things clearly and is able to act logically than emotionally. You had never maintained NC with him, that is why you never had the chance to let go and see things objectively. Take this as an opportunity to get back your life for once in years. Even if you don't do it for your husband, do it for yourself. You owe yourself that, unless you want to walk down another decade of your life being obsessed by your AP & letting him control your life.

 

Wish you all the best.

[AlwaysGrowing]

From what you have posted this LTR with OM is being driven by something inside of you that predates you even meeting him.

 

What are you trying to fill?

 

It is painfully obvious from a healthy adult perspective that OM has NEVER been your "best friend". The so-called connection and sympathies only go one way. I fail to see how the all encompassing criticism of everything in your life is what one would call "a real connection". Where exactly are the sympathies of what the affair could cost you....from him?

 

Haven't you at least once questioned why when you had NC with OM, you were able to find a "great husband"? Wouldn't that say something about how his lack of involvement in your life actual improves your life?

 

There are toxic people out there. It isn't enough to just acknowledge them and move on. We need to understand what it is that draws us to them. Only then, can we give to ourselves what it is....that we are trying to get from them at all costs.

 

Personally, I think "selfish" isn't what is at the core of your issue/s. It is only one answer to the question "why". It is the trait you used to feed the deeper why.

[jbrent890]

Thank you for your post. I agree. I know it's unfair, the whole thing is unfair and I know all of my stupid and selfish decisions have caused this now. I am trying to be honest and I have worked out that I want the adoration and long-term commitment of my H and I also am addicted to the drama/mindgames/abuse of the OM. I know it's selfish and hateful (and a bit late to think about it now) but I really don't want my kids to grow up with their parents separated. They are only 4 and 3 and it would affect them badly, not just now, but years of having two addresses, new step-parents in the future, all of that. My family would hate me (and I have issues there already) and his family would too, and I've got years of having to see them at family events and stuff. I know this sounds selfish but the PA started in November, was over by Christmas and the EA I want over now - I'm not making excuses because I should have thought about the realities of the impact of having an affair on everyone BEFORE I did it, but total honesty with H will crush him, and I don't believe he would leave me (I know he deserves a better wife, but I am also the mother of our kids). I'm not trying to manipulate him though. I just wish there was a way to go back.

 

Okay, the reason I was going to still meet the OM this week is because it's his brother's birthday, and his brother killed himself. And we are long-term friends. In fact I'm his only friend. He asked me in a way that made it hard to refuse - he said he's spend the day curled up in bed crying if I wasn't there. And I was torn, so agreed. But I know it was wrong to agree and I'm not going to go.

 

OM has asked me every week for the last month to meet and I haven't, and I specifically said this time that if we met, it was to be as friends only, i.e. no sex.

 

I know that sounds so pathetically. I can read it myself and it sounds so "yeah, right" but the reality is I have always felt responsible for him and tried to look after him/fix him. I see now that all of that compounded into this situation we have now.

 

I'm not going to go and see the OM next week tho. I want NC. I want to be strong enough to go for NC. I have told my H a lot and he's asked me if I will block OM off completely and permanently, and I want to.

 

We don't need testing for STDs. OM has only slept with me in about 8 years or more, and only had two partners before me.

 

Listen I'm going to level with you, I'm hearing a lot of you, you, you, in this post. I think you need to stop lying to yourself. You are manipulating your husband. Your husband also needs to stop burying his head in the sand and start asking some serious questions. To be honest, I'm pretty sure your husband knows that you slept with this guy. Women minimize the crap out of affairs. If your husband starts asking other people for advice, they are probably going to tell him the same thing. Also, stop screwing around with his health. Go get tested. You can never to sure.

[stellamaria]

Why is it that you always think that confession is a means to assuage guilt? Can it just be used as a tool to show your spouse that you are actually sorry and that you choose them? I agree with a lot of your advice Elaine but this. You seem to think that confession ruins the marriage. No, the fact that the WS cheated did. Marriage isn't about someone making unilateral decisions for both people. It isn't her marriage, it's theirs. If her husband decides to leave, then that's his right and I think it's wrong to take that away from him. Telling people to run away from the consequnces of their actions is so childish. Would you tell your children to run away from their problems? Her cheating was selfish. Her not confessing to keep her husband in the marriage is just as selfish.

You're right. But telling him is also selfish. Any option is selfish now. And I should tell him the truth about the PA part, but I'm a coward as well as selfish. And I don't want him to leave me and our C. I agree that I don't have that right tho. I know. But financial implications mean I could not afford to live here without him, and he could not afford to live here without me.

 

My ex-H cheated on me and told me, even flaunted her in my face. I didn't leave, but I practically begged him to stay with me and in the end he did, tho of course there were other issues and the marriage was ridiculous. I never got over the cheating tho and went through some really horrible emotions. I don't want my H to go through that, he has done nothing to deserve being heartbroken. It's not running away from the consequences, not as I see it - the consequences are that I feel sick (and am actually physically sick) from guilt, regret and shame anyway.

[stellamaria]

Listen I'm going to level with you, I'm hearing a lot of you, you, you, in this post. I think you need to stop lying to yourself. You are manipulating your husband. Your husband also needs to stop burying his head in the sand and start asking some serious questions. To be honest, I'm pretty sure your husband knows that you slept with this guy. Women minimize the crap out of affairs. If your husband starts asking other people for advice, they are probably going to tell him the same thing. Also, stop screwing around with his health. Go get tested. You can never to sure.

Thanks for your honesty.

 

I'm sorry to sound so me, me, me. I know that's an issue in text. IRL I'm more compassionate and empathetic I hope.

 

I will get tested. You're right. I know the OM was clear tho, because we have been friends since school. I know that in his last relationship they both went to get tested at the start. And there has only been me since. But I will go and get tested.

[jbrent890]

You're right. But telling him is also selfish. Any option is selfish now. And I should tell him the truth about the PA part, but I'm a coward as well as selfish. And I don't want him to leave me and our C. I agree that I don't have that right tho. I know. But financial implications mean I could not afford to live here without him, and he could not afford to live here without me.

 

My ex-H cheated on me and told me, even flaunted her in my face. I didn't leave, but I practically begged him to stay with me and in the end he did, tho of course there were other issues and the marriage was ridiculous. I never got over the cheating tho and went through some really horrible emotions. I don't want my H to go through that, he has done nothing to deserve being heartbroken. It's not running away from the consequences, not as I see it - the consequences are that I feel sick (and am actually physically sick) from guilt, regret and shame anyway.

 

Again, all I'm hearing is you, you, you. You are doing what's best for you. I don't want to beat you up, but does that sound like a good spouse? You don't know if your husband will leave. Most men decide to R after infedility is revealed. Most men leave when they continually hear more things about the affair. Trickling the truth is going to kill your marriage. Your husband already knows about the affair. IMO, it's only a matter of time before he hears that it got physical. If you want to save your marriage, you need to be honest him. Your marriage stands a better chance of him hearing this from you as opposed to him figuring it out on his own. Trust me I have seen this so many times. You are going down a road most women in your position go on and it screws them over in the end. If your husband finds out months or even years later that this did get physical, you are going to be in for a world of hurt.

[Bryanp]

Not sure if you missed this post. Repeat.

 

It seems to me if I read this correctly that you have not been honest with your husband and told him that you actually had sex with the OM which is unfair. You and your husband both need to get tested for STD's.

 

You keep saying how much you love your husband and marriage and yet you continue to cheat on him and were even willing to meet up with the OM again on your birthday. You may say you love your husband but your actions say different. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and your actions speak volumes about your disrespect to your husband and your marriage. How would you feel if your husband was cheating behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's?

 

1. You need to be honest with your husband and tell him that you have had sex with the OM and stop trying to manipulate your husband.

2. You and your husband need to get tested for STD's.

3. You need to get into individual therapy to understand why you are self-destructive.

4. If you refuse to cut your relationship with the OM then divorce your husband and let him find someone else who will truly love and respect him because your actions show that you are indeed not that person.

[aliveagain]

No, I truly don't want to be with OM. He has treated me atrociously over the years, especially recently, and I know I would never trust him, and we'd never have a great relationship. We had arranged to meet this weekend (it's a painful anniversary for him, and also my birthday) as friends. I honestly don't want to even sleep with him, never have wanted to (tho I obviously have done - but I feel I traded sex for an emotional closeness).

 

This is limerence. I feel like I adore him, like I'm infatuated. But it's not even sexual. It's like an addiction, and I truly want to end it.

 

He will call, I know he will. But I want to go NC. Trouble is I haven't been able to manage that up to now.

 

For this your willing to destroy your marriage? You can never take back what you have already done but the more you dig your hole deeper the more difficult it will be to climb out. Your going to have to tell your husband the truth if you want to save your marriage. The more you do with O/M the harder it's going to be to explain to your husband specially when your looking at him and you see the pain in his eyes. Counselling won't help you if your lying to everyone

 

I don't trust your O/M to keep your secret specially when you break it off with him. You can't save your marriage with other man in the picture, he is not your friend and your a booty call just like your other friend has just become. If your husband finds out about your long term affair(sex) before you confess the chances that your marriage will survive are very low. By exposing the affair yourself your husband will see the confession as you chose him over O/M. If he discovers it by other means(sex) he will doubt your reason for staying in the marriage and feel like your back up plan and I doubt you will ever convince him of anything else. How do you expect your marriage to work if your only in it part time? Your only putting in 50% because the other 50% your wasting on O/M. Your having these feelings because you know down deep that you are at a point that you and your family will probably never recover from this mess you created unless you take some drastic action to fix it now. If you think that you can save your marriage and still keep the person that is helping you destroy it as a friend than you are already finished. Only the truth will set you free, that's the best place to start.

Edited February 1, 2015 by aliveagain

[stellamaria]

From what you have posted this LTR with OM is being driven by something inside of you that predates you even meeting him.

 

What are you trying to fill?

 

It is painfully obvious from a healthy adult perspective that OM has NEVER been your "best friend". The so-called connection and sympathies only go one way. I fail to see how the all encompassing criticism of everything in your life is what one would call "a real connection". Where exactly are the sympathies of what the affair could cost you....from him?

 

Haven't you at least once questioned why when you had NC with OM, you were able to find a "great husband"? Wouldn't that say something about how his lack of involvement in your life actual improves your life?

 

There are toxic people out there. It isn't enough to just acknowledge them and move on. We need to understand what it is that draws us to them. Only then, can we give to ourselves what it is....that we are trying to get from them at all costs.

 

Personally, I think "selfish" isn't what is at the core of your issue/s. It is only one answer to the question "why". It is the trait you used to feed the deeper why.

Thanks for your post.

 

I have asked myself over years why I put up with what he throws at me. He has literally made me break contact with him for months at a time because of vitriol and tirades against my personality. He's called me "ugly", "weak for breeding", "subgenius" or "retard" he has said I deserved the physical violence from my ex-H, he accuses me of being an inattentive friend and no amount of time or effort I've put into the friendship has ever been enough for him. He is deluded to the point of absurdity. All the times I've broken contact because of his tirades, he's seen as me abandoning him without provocation and this has angered him and I've damaged our friendship. So he never apologises. He must have made me cry 200 times (and I'm not a person that cried much). But he has also been a true friend in the past. He's a good listener, he's perspicacious, intelligent and witty. That is the attraction.

 

You're right. I am drawn to toxic people. I have said this today to my H. I just don't feel I deserve my H (and have proved I don't, now, being so self-destructive). I should probably have IC to find out why, before it impacts on my relationship with my children, before I teach them to accept toxic people in their lives.

[lovinDKT3]

Stella, what have you TOLD your husband about this? I get the feeling that you've painted OM as some kind of stalker that won't leave you alone. I don't get the feeling that you've told much about this connection you feel or the long term sexual relationship you've shared with OM.

[stellamaria]

Hi stellamaria, my hubby was also a very good hubby & father to our girls. We didn't have major issues in our marriage too. Yes, there were quarrels & disagreements, but weren't anything significant enough to damage the marriage. Yet I had an affair too for 1.5 yrs. It has ended, but I still haven't gotten over AP nor have I been able to forgive myself too.

 

I realised as perfect or near perfect our husbands may be, problems set in when we stopped admiring them. Yes, I love him a lot, but the appreciation & admiration as a lover for him had been lost along the way without me realizing it, until when we were in reconciliation & talking about it did I realise it. I'm learning to do that now. Remember, whatever we put our focus on, that will grow. When we focus on our husband & reconciliation, the admiration & appreciation will also grow. In turn, the opposite will happen if we deliberately focus lesser on our AP. I'm sure as bad you make the AP to be, there must be qualities about him or not things he did for you that makes you admire him & fall deeply with him. In order to fall back in love or to love your husband more, focus on the things he does for you. Be appreciative and admire him just like how you were so easily happy when he first courted you. It may be tough in the beginning because you may miss AP & it will cloud your judgement & blind whatever your hubby is doing for you. That is why you had to make a very concious effort to do it.

 

You seem to focus a lot now on AP because sometimes, we want what we cannot have. We can only miss what is not there. Your husband to you, is always there, thus your focus will not be on him. But if you deliberately set your mind on reconciliation, you will find that this need of your AP will gradually lessen. It may never disappear, but the "love" or "feelings" for him will gradually lessen. It cannot happen overnight, but it's a deliberate effort everyday.

 

Everyone will tell you to go NC. It's true. As cliche as it sounds, it's the only way you can be over this addiction. Some days are harder, but eventually you'll get there when your husband fills your mind more than the AP. In between, you'll probably fall & miss your AP badly, but these are days you need to stay stronger & not give in. Take each day at a time. I always tell myself, not today. Never give in now that you are in NC. The first few weeks are always the toughest, but trash it out & that desire to see or even hear from him will be gone as you slowly begin to see things more clearly when you aren't clouded by your roller coaster emotions anymore. Remember, when you miss a person, you'll remember more of the good memories than the bad. It takes time before you finally see things clearly and is able to act logically than emotionally. You had never maintained NC with him, that is why you never had the chance to let go and see things objectively. Take this as an opportunity to get back your life for once in years. Even if you don't do it for your husband, do it for yourself. You owe yourself that, unless you want to walk down another decade of your life being obsessed by your AP & letting him control your life.

 

Wish you all the best.

Thanks. The same to you.

 

How long is it that you have been NC? And did you tell your H about it?

 

I do appreciate my H a lot. I tell him every day how much I value him. My behaviour hasn't shown that tho, I know. But I do appreciate him.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Thanks for your post.

 

I have asked myself over years why I put up with what he throws at me. He has literally made me break contact with him for months at a time because of vitriol and tirades against my personality. He's called me "ugly", "weak for breeding", "subgenius" or "retard" he has said I deserved the physical violence from my ex-H, he accuses me of being an inattentive friend and no amount of time or effort I've put into the friendship has ever been enough for him. He is deluded to the point of absurdity. All the times I've broken contact because of his tirades, he's seen as me abandoning him without provocation and this has angered him and I've damaged our friendship. So he never apologises. He must have made me cry 200 times (and I'm not a person that cried much). But he has also been a true friend in the past. He's a good listener, he's perspicacious, intelligent and witty. That is the attraction.

 

You're right. I am drawn to toxic people. I have said this today to my H. I just don't feel I deserve my H (and have proved I don't, now, being so self-destructive). I should probably have IC to find out why, before it impacts on my relationship with my children, before I teach them to accept toxic people in their lives.

 

 

Firstly, the OM hasn't made you do anything.

 

Secondly, ANYONE who would say that I deserved physical abuse I would not find "witty, intelligent or a good listener". Let alone find them physically attractive.

 

Right now you are not thinking, behaving, analyzing from the perspective of a healthy adult.

 

Your primary concern should be yourself. IC would be very useful in helping you to uncover/repair what it is that drives these unhealthy behaviours/thoughts.

[twosadthings]

I understand the reasons people give for cheating, yourself included, but what I will never understand is how people in your situation will continue to call and consider an obvious lowlife like the person you're involved with a "friend".

 

 

Figure that one out and maybe you'll be able to rescue yourself and your family. Until you do your life is hopeless in my opinion.

 

 

Seasalt

[stellamaria]

Stella, what have you TOLD your husband about this? I get the feeling that you've painted OM as some kind of stalker that won't leave you alone. I don't get the feeling that you've told much about this connection you feel or the long term sexual relationship you've shared with OM.

I haven't painted the OM as a stalker. He's not. I've broken contact several times before and he has emailed once or twice and then left it. It will be the same this time.

 

I told my H I have been having an EA with OM. I'm not sure when it started but I regret it and I wish I'd never regained contact all the times I have. I told him that I realised I was infatuated with him and I was devestated when he 'betrayed' me by messaging my friend. But that I love H and would never want to leave him and be with the OM. He knows he's not a back up plan. I'd never actually want to be with the OM fully.

 

H already knew me and OM were good friends, although he didn't like it but that was because OM has been nasty to me over the years.

[stellamaria]

I understand the reasons people give for cheating, yourself included, but what I will never understand is how people in your situation will continue to call and consider an obvious lowlife like the person you're involved with a "friend".

 

 

Figure that one out and maybe you'll be able to rescue yourself and your family. Until you do your life is hopeless in my opinion.

 

 

Seasalt

Thank you. He's not a friend. He doesn't care about my feelings, my marriage, my family or even our friendship. He only cares about himself. He's no friend and I see that.

[Furious]

You're right. But telling him is also selfish. Any option is selfish now. And I should tell him the truth about the PA part, but I'm a coward as well as selfish. And I don't want him to leave me and our C. I agree that I don't have that right tho. I know. But financial implications mean I could not afford to live here without him, and he could not afford to live here without me.

 

My ex-H cheated on me and told me, even flaunted her in my face. I didn't leave, but I practically begged him to stay with me and in the end he did, tho of course there were other issues and the marriage was ridiculous. I never got over the cheating tho and went through some really horrible emotions. I don't want my H to go through that, he has done nothing to deserve being heartbroken. It's not running away from the consequences, not as I see it - the consequences are that I feel sick (and am actually physically sick) from guilt, regret and shame anyway.

 

 

 

Stop this shame drama...it's immature. The reality is you are a mother, regardless whether you remain married or not. Yet, you've chosen time and time again to be involved with a man who clearly does not care about you or your children. If he was truly a "friend" he wouldn't be a part of damaging your family.

 

Tears and, woe is me, is a cop out. time to grow up.

[stellamaria]

Firstly, the OM hasn't made you do anything.

 

Secondly, ANYONE who would say that I deserved physical abuse I would not find "witty, intelligent or a good listener". Let alone find them physically attractive.

 

Right now you are not thinking, behaving, analyzing from the perspective of a healthy adult.

 

Your primary concern should be yourself. IC would be very useful in helping you to uncover/repair what it is that drives these unhealthy behaviours/thoughts.

Thank you. You're right. He didn't make me go NC, or get back in touch, or stay in touch, or any of it. They were all decisions I made based on my reaction to what he did/said, and my own wants and downfalls.

 

You're right. I need IC. I need to change my thoughts and behaviour. I desperately want to be a better person. Self aware and not self deluding. And somehow make ammends for all I've done to my H and DC.

 

I'm saying all this about the OM because I KNOW he's egocentric, callous, glib, self-indulgent and a million more things, and he does not care about me at all, he never has, and the things he has said to me are completely unacceptable and unforgiveable; but at the same time I'm convinced I'm not wrong about the shared past, the emotionally intelligent side of him I've seen, all the times we have been close and our 'connection'.

[Mal78]

I had an affair.

 

I've not even been married for two years yet (been together for just under six) and my husband is the most wonderful husband you could wish for, a great dad, a lovely guy and I truly feel lucky to have him every day. There is absolutely nothing wrong in the marriage, it's all me. I'm selfish, in need of attention and validation, and have an inherent sense of entitlement. I've come to learn all of this and really want to change it.

 

6 years ago I was close to my now OM, an old schoolfriend. We exchanged several emails a day, chatted on IM, and so on. I was in a relationship and I ended up leaving that relationship because of this guy. Not to be with him, but I realised I was closer to him than my Ex-P and so we split up. I then had a one night stand with OM and he rejected me so I moved on and went to live abroad, where I met my now H. Me and OM stayed in touch - I've truly considered him among my best friends in all the time, and we've helped each other through some dark times. We've always had a connection based on our shared school history, similar interests, similar intellect, etc, and sympathy.

 

Then last year, I realised I was chatting to OM most of the day, every day, and could no longer compartmentalise - I was thinking about him while I was with my H, he'd taken over my thoughts. What I know I should have done (hindsight - aah) is break contact then. But of course, I was closer to the OM, so I told HIM how I felt instead, told him I lusted after him, etc. And then, instead of either of us putting an end to it, we quickly heated it up to a full blown affair with "I love yous", talks of being together long-term, and so on.

 

This was in November, and the next few weeks were intense. I was sick with guilt, tormented by my feelings of dreading my H getting hurt and never really wishing to leave my H, but ]infatuated with OM. He lives a couple of hours drive from me now so we only met up once, and it became a PA. Then a week later he attempted to get together with my friend (while still 'with' me) and broke my heart. Since then we have had no pretense - he doesn't want to be with me in a couple sense, never did (but happily slept with me knowing I was married), loves me like a sister or a best friend, but he doesn't want to lose my friendship either. I'm even more gutted to say I accepted this new 'friends' style, while really wishing for him to want me again (but still not wishing to lose my H - that's how selfish and horrible I am) and he's off dating other people and flaunting these in my face, while still wanting to meet up with me (and yes, sex is still involved). He was single since our one night stand 6 years ago, and even for about 3 years before that. So the new dating is a big shock altogether. We met up a month ago and had planned to this next weekend (it's an important birthday).

 

I have told my husband a lot. I told him I've got too emotionally attached. The thing is, my H knows this other guy. They've never met, but he has been a best friend for ages, but he can be really hateful, and he has upset me many times over the years with his bile and nastiness. He's told me I'm ugly, a rubbish mother and friend, I'm "subgenius" (tho I am about to embark on my masters and he is doing his first year of a degree), he's criticised my marriage, my other friendships and my relationships with family. My H knows all this, so doesn't see him as a real threat - how could he? H is lovely and OM is egocentric and callous and manipulative.

 

But I feel like I'm in love with the OM. I know it would never work between us - well he doesn't even want me, he's made it clear, but aside from that.

 

We had yet another row and 'no contact' threat from me last night, and I want to stick with that. He's seeing another girl today and I feel sick with such a range of emotions, including guilt that I even care at all while I have such a lovely H that adores me.

 

Sorry for the jumbled mess, and sorry to sound so me, me, me. It's the way I write... really I am so scared of hurting my H more, scared of hurting my children, and feeling ridiculous over the infatuation with a guy who proves time and time again he doesn't care about my feelings at all. But he has been such a great friend for years, I can't believe it could end up being like this.

 

^^^

 

Nothing more, nothing less then what I highlighted.

 

He has not been a great friend, you clearly outlined how he degrades you, dishonors you and rejects you. It HAS to end like this.

 

What "ideally" would have you liked to see happen? The lines have been crossed in your "friendship" these things can't be undone and like your affair, you can't go back to how things were with either men.

 

You need to show some accountability and tell your H. He deserves the truth so both of you can move forward.

 

For now, your "friend" is a write-off.

[beach]

Thanks, I will.

 

The OM wants me to still be his best friend. He wants to be able to tell me about his dating and everything else in his life. He still messages me lots every day and wants to meet up etc.

 

I can't picture a future without my H, though. The marriage isn't perfect, it's not stale or anything, we're great friends. It just feels like the spark has gone. And of course I'm totally consumed with guilt, every time I look at him or talk to him I'm feeling bad for causing him so much hurt he doesn't know about, living a lie.

 

Of course the M isn't good - how can it be when you've focused all your attention in your OM?

 

 

At this late stage be kind (enough) to your H by letting him know you cheated. No half truths this time and let him be free of your selfish and cheating ways.

 

He deserves better than what you've offered. No M survives well when one half is selfish and entitled.

 

Be in your own - work on your own deficiencies and become a decent human being by learning how to become a person that considered how you and your actions affects others.

 

Are you in counseling?

[stellamaria]

For this your willing to destroy your marriage? You can never take back what you have already done but the more you dig your hole deeper the more difficult it will be to climb out. Your going to have to tell your husband the truth if you want to save your marriage. The more you do with O/M the harder it's going to be to explain to your husband specially when your looking at him and you see the pain in his eyes. Counselling won't help you if your lying to everyone

 

I don't trust your O/M to keep your secret specially when you break it off with him. You can't save your marriage with other man in the picture, he is not your friend and your a booty call just like your other friend has just become. If your husband finds out about your long term affair(sex) before you confess the chances that your marriage will survive are very low. By exposing the affair yourself your husband will see the confession as you chose him over O/M. If he discovers it by other means(sex) he will doubt your reason for staying in the marriage and feel like your back up plan and I doubt you will ever convince him of anything else. How do you expect your marriage to work if your only in it part time? Your only putting in 50% because the other 50% your wasting on O/M. Your having these feelings because you know down deep that you are at a point that you and your family will probably never recover from this mess you created unless you take some drastic action to fix it now. If you think that you can save your marriage and still keep the person that is helping you destroy it as a friend than you are already finished. Only the truth will set you free, that's the best place to start.

Thank you.

 

You're right. OM is no friend. He probably never was, but he's not now. And never will be again.

 

I'm doing no more with OM. I'm sticking to NC from now.

[stellamaria]

Stop this shame drama...it's immature. The reality is you are a mother, regardless whether you remain married or not. Yet, you've chosen time and time again to be involved with a man who clearly does not care about you or your children. If he was truly a "friend" he wouldn't be a part of damaging your family.

 

Tears and, woe is me, is a cop out. time to grow up.

I know. You're right about all of that.

[stellamaria]

Of course the M isn't good - how can it be when you've focused all your attention in your OM?

 

 

At this late stage be kind (enough) to your H by letting him know you cheated. No half truths this time and let him be free of your selfish and cheating ways.

 

He deserves better than what you've offered. No M survives well when one half is selfish and entitled.

 

Be in your own - work on your own deficiencies and become a decent human being by learning how to become a person that considered how you and your actions affects others.

 

Are you in counseling?

He does deserve better. I know that. He says our marriage is good tho, and he wants to stay together. Splitting up would be impractical, hurt the children and create lots of issues.

 

The EA only started in November and was over before Christmas. Since then it's just been some weird kind of infatuation/addiction. I'm not making excuses, just saying.

 

He does deserve better though.

 

I'm not in counselling.