My Story- Moving Forward After Wife's Affairs

[Hope Shimmers]

Make decisions with a middle school mindset and you will be treated in that way. The OM's wife deserved to know exactly what transpired between her husband and my wife.

 

Of course. But my point was not about OM's wife deserved, just the action you took in "making" her do something she should have done ON. HER. OWN.

 

You presume too much in your post, as have many others. To believe because you are required to do something, that you cannot believe in what you do is flawed. You assume there is no true remorse because she did not undertake the writing of her own volition. In that, you are mistaken.

 

I (and others, I presume) are only reacting to what you post. Your words. Where is her remorse? I don't see it. I read all 4 pages thus far of this thread. If I should have registered her remorse in those 4 pages, then I missed something. I can only comment on what you post.

 

What good does it do me to have her on a short leash right now? It eliminates the constant concern about what she is doing. If you cannot comprehend that, you have no business in this section of the board.

You have no business telling other members of this site where they should post. YOU chose to post at this site. If you don't like the responses, then ignore them, but based on your current response I suggest that you are in some serious denial.

 

Not that it matters to the situation, but I did leave law school. If you have been in such a program, you should understand the dedication and time required to be successful at all, let alone maintain such a rank.

 

Yes, in fact, I do. I'm a physician so I've been through medical school. I also have other graduate degrees, so I get it. Glad you will still be going forward with your schooling.

 

You are the one who posted it; I merely commented on it. I think you were harsh with my response - clearly you are in defensive mode. I don't have a problem with that, because I understand defensive.

 

I don't know if such presumptions and assumptions are common on this board, but they really help no one. I might suggest that others pursuing similar lines of reasoning, filled with very thinly veiled insults, ask questions before posting. It saves us all time an effort which could be better used elsewhere.

 

I'm sorry you took my post the way you did. I don't apologize for it and I think you are making a mistake with your wife. If you thought I was making "presumptions and assumptions", I cannot see where you got that impression. My post relied on your words only.

[Sticky Fingers]

And here's my nigh unanswerable question of the day: How?

 

How do you go through all of this and, reconciliation aside, forgive someone for such behavior? How can you make the choice to forgive and then actually do it?

 

By immediately identifying the resentment and bitterness when they come to the surface. By acknowledging that while they were umwittingy helped by your wife's betrayals, they are not her. This means that you turn your attention away from your wife and turn instead towards them. They are the enemies that disguise themselves in your wife's image because like all parasites, they cannot live independent of their host.

 

Try it. You will fail a lot in the beginning but if you persevere, you will eventually succeed and kick them out, permanently.

[HurtHusband]

In fairness no one on this board has ever met your wife, so all we can make are assumptions or presumptions based on what you have told us. But what is wrong with that? People here have been through it all and seen it all. You don't have to be defensive or defend your wife's honor.. She gave some guy a hand job while she was pregnant and had a gangbang according to what you wrote...

 

Just call a spade a spade.. Same goes for my wife.. Are you planning to leave her at some point in the future when your ready or just stay in the marriage?

[DKT3]

What your doing can't be maintained. You can't force boundaries on your wife and police her fidelity.

 

Over coming infidelity is a long process, and if your wife isn't carrying her own bags you will become exhausted she will become resentful.

[LeComte]

Of course. But my point was not about OM's wife deserved, just the action you took in "making" her do something she should have done ON. HER. OWN.

 

I (and others, I presume) are only reacting to what you post. Your words. Where is her remorse? I don't see it. I read all 4 pages thus far of this thread. If I should have registered her remorse in those 4 pages, then I missed something. I can only comment on what you post.

 

You have no business telling other members of this site where they should post. YOU chose to post at this site. If you don't like the responses, then ignore them, but based on your current response I suggest that you are in some serious denial.

 

Yes, in fact, I do. I'm a physician so I've been through medical school. I also have other graduate degrees, so I get it. Glad you will still be going forward with your schooling.

 

You are the one who posted it; I merely commented on it. I think you were harsh with my response - clearly you are in defensive mode. I don't have a problem with that, because I understand defensive.

 

I'm sorry you took my post the way you did. I don't apologize for it and I think you are making a mistake with your wife. If you thought I was making "presumptions and assumptions", I cannot see where you got that impression. My post relied on your words only.

 

What she should have done on her own has no bearing on what is ultimately done. How many of us would honestly take such a step on their own?

 

I am here telling my story, not hers. You may notice a distinct lack of details regarding what my wife has done for me over the last 9 months. I have detailed none of her effort, letters to me, etc.... The issue here, which I believed was abundantly clear, is that you are not basing such posts on my words. Indeed, you are basing posts on the absence of words. In doing so, you make some pretty unwise assumptions about my situation.

 

Believe me, I ignore plenty of responses. As an educated individual, you should be aware that entering into discussions regarding and offering advice about topics in which you have no expertise is unwise at best, reckless at worst. As this is quite a public forum, I am as free to tell you where you should not post, not where you cannot post, as you are to ignore me.

 

Regarding denial, there is literally no support for such a claim. I don't deny what has happened, what is happening, or what may happen. The fact that I disagree with much of the offered advice does not put me in denial, it quite simply identifies a different opinion.

 

Imagine going through med school, residency, or anything else without the ability to fully focus on your work. That is how I felt. Happily my standing allowed me to leave in good standing with LOR's from my professors in order to apply to a different school on my return.

 

Reread your post from my position, complete with the either poorly worded passages or outright insults, and see why I may be defensive. Couple that with my current beyond angry emotional state and you will find me quite aggressively defensive.

 

You may not apologize for your post, but you should consider your audience when you write something like that. As such, I will not apologize for my response.

 

Finally, touching on assumptions one more time, you did not rely on my words to support your post. You took what I wrote, added in what I didn't, and crafted a flawed picture. I hope, should I hang around to discuss this more, you won't make that mistake again.

In fairness no one on this board has ever met your wife, so all we can make are assumptions or presumptions based on what you have told us. But what is wrong with that? People here have been through it all and seen it all. You don't have to be defensive or defend your wife's honor.. She gave some guy a hand job while she was pregnant and had a gangbang according to what you wrote...

 

Just call a spade a spade.. Same goes for my wife.. Are you planning to leave her at some point in the future when your ready or just stay in the marriage?

 

What is wrong with that is that you produce advice and commentary based on incorrect information. By doing this with someone less hardheaded, you could produce a less than ideal response in their real life. Knowing so little, to immediately suggest that reconciliation is neither feasible nor wise could very easily cause someone to initiate a divorce where they otherwise should not have. People in our situation are emotionally and intellectually vulnerable. That unfortunately allows for easier manipulation.

 

I have not made a decision on my future. I know that I want to try to fix things, though I am unsure that can happen. We shall see whether she has changed, I guess.

[LeComte]

By immediately identifying the resentment and bitterness when they come to the surface. By acknowledging that while they were umwittingy helped by your wife's betrayals, they are not her. This means that you turn your attention away from your wife and turn instead towards them. They are the enemies that disguise themselves in your wife's image because like all parasites, they cannot live independent of their host.

 

Try it. You will fail a lot in the beginning but if you persevere, you will eventually succeed and kick them out, permanently.

 

Thank you.

 

 

To all others, I believe I have misjudged this forum. I expected something different than what this is and have thus wasted far too much of my time reading and responding to what amounts to a single line of unsupportive advice - DIVORCE HER.

 

I get your reactions, but they are not what I expected. This is especially true after I explicitly stated that I refused to accept the advice I was offered. While I hope this board will help many others, it is not for me. I have adopted a mindset here that is better found in legal writing.

 

And so, I bid you all adieu.

[beach]

Really? That's what you read = divorce her?

 

Man, you read much differently than I do because I didn't see posters saying that= to just divorce her.

 

I saw a few people trying to encourage you to do what's best for yourself.

 

And to deal with the anger/resentment enough to work past it - no matter what your WS does or doesn't do.

[Mr. Lucky]

Finally, I have not forgiven her for anything. I don't know that I ever will forgive her for what she's done, and she is fully aware of that.

 

Under these circumstances, how do you do anything but continue to add to the considerable amount of pain that already exists? For reconciliation to work, both parties have to want the same thing. Right now, sounds like she'll never make it up to you and you'll never stop asking her to...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

Thank you.

 

 

To all others, I believe I have misjudged this forum. I expected something different than what this is and have thus wasted far too much of my time reading and responding to what amounts to a single line of unsupportive advice - DIVORCE HER.

 

I get your reactions, but they are not what I expected. This is especially true after I explicitly stated that I refused to accept the advice I was offered. While I hope this board will help many others, it is not for me. I have adopted a mindset here that is better found in legal writing.

 

And so, I bid you all adieu.

 

What you have here on this forum are people who learned by trial and error. This makes it easy for us to identify error. What you have in your wife is a serial cheater that is doing enough to settle you down, but not enough to true make lasting change, change that will allow you to heal as a person and heal your marriage as a pair. This is turning you into someone who is looking to control your wife. That simply can't work.

 

Your not open to hearing the truth about your situation. You don't really want to face your reality. Like the first infidelity that you KNOW OF, you are going about this in a flawed manner. Not rugsweeping, more like dictating your way or the highway, however there is no highway. Soon your wife will figure that out and you could be a year or two in the process then boom right back at step one.

 

Like you, I took back an unfaithful wife, unlike yours mine took on the work on her own. When you read of the success stories that is what they have in common. There are also cases here like yours. In fact one resently were the WW faked her way through about a year and a half, all the while her mind was consumed with what if with her OM. Of course the marriage exploded. Is that what you want? A year or two of pain and bulsh*t just to have it end? Surely you can find a better way to spend 16 months, like going back to law school. If your wife is truly the one and you are who she wants then she will make it happen. You can't make it happen for her.

 

Sorry if your not open to what we have to offer.

Edited February 2, 2015 by DKT3

[Hope Shimmers]

What she should have done on her own has no bearing on what is ultimately done. How many of us would honestly take such a step on their own?

 

Many have done so.

 

I am here telling my story, not hers. You may notice a distinct lack of details regarding what my wife has done for me over the last 9 months. I have detailed none of her effort, letters to me, etc....

 

"Your story" should include her participation. So you are saying that you are telling things from your perspective and not bothering to post anything that she has done along the way? Seriously? So you have completely ignored any effort she made in talks to you, letters, etc.?

 

Why on earth did you expect to get any kind of relevant advice from a bunch of strangers, then?

 

The issue here, which I believed was abundantly clear, is that you are not basing such posts on my words. Indeed, you are basing posts on the absence of words. In doing so, you make some pretty unwise assumptions about my situation.

 

We here can't be privy to 'absence of words'. Your posts here were based on what you posted. You are supposed to be a bright man. Really, you don't get it?

 

As an educated individual, you should be aware that entering into discussions regarding and offering advice about topics in which you have no expertise is unwise at best, reckless at worst. As this is quite a public forum, I am as free to tell you where you should not post, not where you cannot post, as you are to ignore me.

 

You can tell me where to post, if it makes you feel better, but your opinion matters nothing.

 

FYI, I have a great deal of experience in the topic of infidelity, not that you would ever know or care. So please don't insinuate that you know even the first thing about me.

 

If you want to ignore me, then great. I wish the best for you.

[Spectre]

I just find you to be in heavy denial. You say you know your wife loves you..but you realize if that were even remotely true you wouldn't be here telling us she cheated on you not once, but multiple times..and with multiple men.

 

I don't really know what to say to you if you feel she does that and still loves you. What happened in her childhood is irrelevant, did she meet a magic "I make you cheat" genie as a kid or something? Then no, she is still an adult(well, no she acts like a child actually) so she knew right from wrong.

 

You can stay with her if you want, but realize in order to do so you need to give her your dignity, self respect, and your testicles. Are you prepared to give her all that? Are you prepared to be dealing with her boot marks on your back for the rest of your life?

 

Let me put it another way: why do you feel you deserve to be with this woman? Did you do something horrible in a past life or something?

Edited February 2, 2015 by Spectre

[Mal78]

Do you regret your choice(s)? Did you find your peace that you so graciously wish for me? I've gotten a couple different feelings from your posts and am not 100% sure where you sit in your own life. Admittedly I haven't looked through your post history.

 

I apologize if any of that is too personal or difficult for you to answer.

 

^^^

 

This is what frustrates me. This person asked, I opened up... gave my explanation and he ONLY chose to address those he felt were harsh and/or attacking him.

 

I didn't expect him to take my experiences and run with it, however be decent enough to address someone who was giving you genuine, from experience advice or thoughts because it was asked!

 

I believe this is yet another BS who are not happy unless they are miserable. They almost enjoy/chase the misery and wallow in it, being defensive if anyone might have an objective and/or critical opinion.

[workathome]

Can I stay with someone who was a serial cheater? Can I leave the woman I have loved for 12 years? Can an answer every really be clear to the person in my position?

 

 

 

For all intents and purposes, haven't you already left her?

 

Now follow through on the physical part and leave her. You have been living this way for almost a year, and it doesn't sound as if you have made any progress. Youhaven't mentioned marriage counseling or individual counseling. Both parties should be partaking in at least IC, and you should consider MC if you plan to actually stay with the cheater.

 

At some point she will tire of being locked up tighter than Fort Knox and cheat again to move things along.

[Spectre]

The answer to the question of "Can I leave the woman I have loved for 12 years?" is a resounding OH HELL YEAH since she cheated.