My Story- Moving Forward After Wife's Affairs

[Mal78]

2-3. Not really. Based on the very personal information I have regarding LMP, what was going on that week (I was out of school and spoke with her during her breaks and lunches, which is the only point they could have engaged in their activities), etc... I can state with relative certainty, as confirmed by several doctors, that he is my son and was very likely conceived on that date.

 

Did your son arrive on his EDD too? Obviously your son's paternity is not the forefront of your concerns in this whole mess because regardless to you, no matter what he is your son. This is VERY admirable. However, the irony also lays in the same attitude you have regarding your W's infidelity.

 

So, be prepared that some might not see why his paternity wouldn't be a dealbreaker when clearly her infidelities wasn't either.

 

If you are only basing your conception calculations on LMP, factors would be considered such as her/your confidence in those dates and there is always "room for error".

 

LMP-Probably the most common method is to note the first day of your last menstrual period. If you are trying to get*pregnant, you will more than likely have this date memorized, but if the pregnancy just happened, you may have to make an effort to pinpoint this day. If you are only able to estimate the day, keep in mind that your conception and due dates will be estimates as well. Some doctors will take the first day of your last period and add nine months and one week to determine the due date. Others will add two weeks. If you know when you*ovulated*and you know the exact date that you and your partner had intercourse, however, you may be able to more closely pinpoint the conception date.Keep in mind, however, that sperm can live for up to four days, so determining the exact time of conception can still be tricky

 

Have you ever heard of fraternal twins with two separate father's? Ya, it's a thing.

[LeComte]

[/b]

 

Defensiveness isn't any sign of hope. It's evidence of defending something that should never be there (the reality of what is real).

 

From my perspective = wasted energy... IF the bad behavior had not been present there would be no reason to focus on it.

 

And her behavior isn't YOURS to defend... If anything she should be willing to own her bad behavior and change who she is.

 

She's shown you who she is and what she's capable of with hurting you while pretending to love you.

 

Now you've agreed to lower the bar by "accepting" her back when she really hasn't changed nor done the hard work to repair the damage she caused.

 

You've forgiven her when she hasn't changed a thing.

 

You can rethink betraying yourself that way.

I'll have to disagree with your take on defensiveness. Coming from the field I come from, I understand defense in a different way than many others.

 

I am a little perplexed by the assertions I have seen that she has not changed following the final revelation. I guess I didn't address that much, but the omission does not mean that she has not changed and suffered.

 

Since March, she has been forced to work every day. Whether that be in the form of literal physical work (e.g., cleaning), individual counseling (stopped when insurance would no longer cover and the sessions were over $100 each), constant work to make me believe there has been any change, etc.... I'm not really sure how to word it beyond that. Just know that the past months have not been without constant and consistent punitive measures.

 

Her very first punishment was to tell both our families and friends what she had done. She could not longer hide behind their ignorance. I made her call the OM's wife and inform her of the affair and the details. She then had to write and send an apology letter to that woman for destroying her life. These are but a couple examples of what has been required.

 

Finally, I have not forgiven her for anything. I don't know that I ever will forgive her for what she's done, and she is fully aware of that.

 

I hope that clarifies some things.

[LeComte]

Did your son arrive on his EDD too? Obviously your son's paternity is not the forefront of your concerns in this whole mess because regardless to you, no matter what he is your son. This is VERY admirable. However, the irony also lays in the same attitude you have regarding your W's infidelity.

 

So, be prepared that some might not see why his paternity wouldn't be a dealbreaker when clearly her infidelities wasn't either.

 

If you are only basing your conception calculations on LMP, factors would be considered such as her/your confidence in those dates and there is always "room for error".

 

LMP-Probably the most common method is to note the first day of your last menstrual period. If you are trying to get*pregnant, you will more than likely have this date memorized, but if the pregnancy just happened, you may have to make an effort to pinpoint this day. If you are only able to estimate the day, keep in mind that your conception and due dates will be estimates as well. Some doctors will take the first day of your last period and add nine months and one week to determine the due date. Others will add two weeks. If you know when you*ovulated*and you know the exact date that you and your partner had intercourse, however, you may be able to more closely pinpoint the conception date.Keep in mind, however, that sperm can live for up to four days, so determining the exact time of conception can still be tricky

 

Have you ever heard of fraternal twins with two separate father's? Ya, it's a thing.

 

1. No, but that was due to his refusal to turn, thus necessitating a scheduled c-section. To that point he had measured correctly such to verify the calculated date.

 

2. I can understand other's thoughts on paternity. It was not always easy to have this position, but regardless I am his dad. If she is no longer in my life, he will still be my son. I heard his heartbeat at 7 weeks, not the OM. I correctly identified his sex during the ultrasound, not the OM. My heart stopped when his initial APGAR was a 4 and he needed help breathing, not the OM. I was the first person, other than the Dr./RN to hold him. In my heart, he is my son and I am his dad. In all honesty, if I were to find that he isn't my biological son, my relationship with him would be the same. That said, it would very likely preclude any hopes of reconciliation with my wife.

 

3. In terms of conception date, my wife was keeping a calendar to track period, calculate ovulation, intercourse, etc.... I have enough experience with that tracking, and verification of some things, to trust the date of LMP. Happily, I can say with reasonable confidence that it would have been near impossible for her to have had sex with the other guy during the week prior to conception. If the numbers are correct, and the data show that they likely are, my son was conceived on a Saturday.

 

I have read a few cases of twins with different fathers. Interesting to say the least!

[TMCM]

Finally, I have not forgiven her for anything. I don't know that I ever will forgive her for what she's done, and she is fully aware of that.

 

I hope that clarifies some things.

 

This is the most ominous part that stands out from your post.

 

Forgiveness is essential for your complete well being whether you choose to remain married or not. It does not absolve her from facing consequences for her behavior. It is also a conscious choice you make for YOUR benefit, not hers.

 

You have a choice to make. Keep feeding the toxic twins, bitterness and resentment, or exorcising them forever. I hope you choose wisely.

[LeComte]

This is the most ominous part that stands out from your post.

 

Forgiveness is essential for your complete well being whether you choose to remain married or not. It does not absolve her from facing consequences for her behavior. It is also a conscious choice you make for YOUR benefit, not hers.

 

You have a choice to make. Keep feeding the toxic twins, bitterness and resentment, or exorcising them forever. I hope you choose wisely.

 

And here's my nigh unanswerable question of the day: How?

 

How do you go through all of this and, reconciliation aside, forgive someone for such behavior? How can you make the choice to forgive and then actually do it?

[Mal78]

1. No, but that was due to his refusal to turn, thus necessitating a scheduled c-section. To that point he had measured correctly such to verify the calculated date.

 

2. I can understand other's thoughts on paternity. It was not always easy to have this position, but regardless I am his dad. If she is no longer in my life, he will still be my son. I heard his heartbeat at 7 weeks, not the OM. I correctly identified his sex during the ultrasound, not the OM. My heart stopped when his initial APGAR was a 4 and he needed help breathing, not the OM. I was the first person, other than the Dr./RN to hold him. In my heart, he is my son and I am his dad. In all honesty, if I were to find that he isn't my biological son, my relationship with him would be the same. That said, it would very likely preclude any hopes of reconciliation with my wife.

 

3. In terms of conception date, my wife was keeping a calendar to track period, calculate ovulation, intercourse, etc.... I have enough experience with that tracking, and verification of some things, to trust the date of LMP. Happily, I can say with reasonable confidence that it would have been near impossible for her to have had sex with the other guy during the week prior to conception. If the numbers are correct, and the data show that they likely are, my son was conceived on a Saturday.

 

I have read a few cases of twins with different fathers. Interesting to say the least!

 

For this... you are an amazing man, incredible father and floundering wife's dream!

 

I admire your clear and honest responses to all of us. I have been in very similar circumstances and chose to "not rock the boat" in lessening my chances he would be with me and our son for the long haul.

 

It worked. I guess.

[Furious]

Gently.....

 

You're in the bargaining stage of your self worth.

 

Sometimes the shame of being cheated on is not as awful as admitting that you've been cheated on.

 

In this stage, good advice is too soon.

 

I think you just need to vent.

 

Grief has stages....sometimes people are not looking for answers but just a shoulder to lean on.

[beach]

And here's my nigh unanswerable question of the day: How?

 

How do you go through all of this and, reconciliation aside, forgive someone for such behavior? How can you make the choice to forgive and then actually do it?

 

You take every little thing out from under that rug you swept it under - put all her crappy behavior onto the table - and really look at who she truly is.

 

When you stop lying to yourself about her lack of character you may be capable of making a decision that is in your best interest instead of being delusional about who she is.

[LeComte]

Gently.....

 

You're in the bargaining stage of your self worth.

 

Sometimes the shame of being cheated on is not as awful as admitting that you've been cheated on.

 

In this stage, good advice is too soon.

 

I think you just need to vent.

 

Grief has stages....sometimes people are not looking for answers but just a shoulder to lean on.

 

This, in its entirety, is quite possible, if not probable. It's incredible to think that 9 months time is not enough to have progressed through whatever stages I will ultimately go through.

[LeComte]

For this... you are an amazing man, incredible father and floundering wife's dream!

 

I admire your clear and honest responses to all of us. I have been in very similar circumstances and chose to "not rock the boat" in lessening my chances he would be with me and our son for the long haul.

 

It worked. I guess.

 

Do you regret your choice(s)? Did you find your peace that you so graciously wish for me? I've gotten a couple different feelings from your posts and am not 100% sure where you sit in your own life. Admittedly I haven't looked through your post history.

 

I apologize if any of that is too personal or difficult for you to answer.

[harrybrown]

I do hope you find some peace someday.

 

Your wife spent a lot of energy and thought into cheating, lying and deceiving you. She is selfish and did not think of your son or you.

 

So now with her intelligence , and her available energy what has she done to start showing you how grateful she is for the second chance?

 

Has she answered the question about what she would do if you had a couple of A's?

 

would it even bother her? Has she written you a timeline and diary of the A's and when is she going to start the next one?

 

You are young and to have this happen so early in your marriage says a great deal about her.

 

She is selfish, she wanted to have these A's and she is still glad that she had them. Has she told you the real reason why she had the affairs?

 

the real reason is she wanted to and you are her backup plan. I thought I was not a backup plan until after 37 years of marriage. I was stupid enough to think that she really did love me. My wife cheated because she wanted to.

 

the last 3 years have been hell.

 

Did she love either of the OM's and has she admitted if their were others?

 

What boundaries does she have now to make you her number one choice not just now, but close to the rocking chair stage that you mentioned?

 

I do hope since you want her to that she will choose you, but she has many years to go. I worry about years from now about her. She needs to get sky high boundaries to stop from cheating again and again.

 

The pain of their cheating makes live almost not worth living. I think you will find someone so much better in the future.

 

Can she save money to go back to counseling to show that she is choosing you and the marriage and your family versus what she wants?

 

good luck to you, I do wish you and your family some happiness.

[Furious]

This, in its entirety, is quite possible, if not probable. It's incredible to think that 9 months time is not enough to have progressed through whatever stages I will ultimately go through.

 

 

Imagine going to the emergency with a wound. First things first...stop the bleeding and get the pulse regulated.

 

I can understand why you're protective of the possibility of reconciliation at this time.

 

Sometimes it hurst so bad, it's a miracle you can just get out of bed.

 

Take the time you need to regain your equilibrium. Until then, there's no shame in needing compassion.

Edited February 1, 2015 by Furious

[Mal78]

Do you regret your choice(s)? Did you find your peace that you so graciously wish for me? I've gotten a couple different feelings from your posts and am not 100% sure where you sit in your own life. Admittedly I haven't looked through your post history.

 

I apologize if any of that is too personal or difficult for you to answer.

 

I still come to infidelity forums looking for peace, so I honestly have to say no. I don't regret everything we have gone through, done, endured and overcome but I do regret not feeling I had a better option back then. I have always loved my H and back then I felt keeping peace and keeping our family together laid directly on my shoulders because he didn't have the right tools to make good choices for the betterment of our relationship.

 

My H told me the truth, I didn't catch him. He felt by telling me the truth devolved him from any real consequences. If he was to know he would never do it again and hasn't I would have preferred never to have found out at all. Years of heartache and insecurities could have been avoided while he is content in getting his last hurrahs out of his youth before fully committing to a marriage and kids.

 

I was young. I was alone. I didn't have support and/or resources to make healthy decisions for myself for the long run. I get wanting to continue on a hope and a prayer that this is the end and he will never betray me like that again. Thus far it has been successful. I know he would tell me in a heartbeat if he made "another mistake" because that's his character... "the truth will set you free" but only for him. I get to live the life sentence filled with thoughts, insecurities, what ifs...ect

 

It's ultimately been the unspoken truth of our past. Not to be spoken about past D-day. He is fine, I'm not.

 

As life has past and I have become familiar with other people and their relationships the one common thread seems to be, No one regrets D after infidelity, however most have doubts after R even if they are fleeting moments.

[Buckeye2]

In terms of conception date, my wife was keeping a calendar to track period, calculate ovulation, intercourse, etc.... I have enough experience with that tracking, and verification of some things, to trust the date of LMP. Happily, I can say with reasonable confidence that it would have been near impossible for her to have had sex with the other guy during the week prior to conception. If the numbers are correct, and the data show that they likely are, my son was conceived on a Saturday.

 

 

Very impressive. My wife is an OB/GYN and she would be impressed too.

 

 

You can buy a DNA kit at WalMart, Amazon of about any drug store for $30. You swab the inside of your cheek and the kid's with a Q-tip. Then send the kit to a lab with $130 more.

 

But I have a Ph.D. in genetics. For $160 and postage you can be 99.999999% sure.

In all honesty, if I were to find that he isn't my biological son, my relationship with him would be the same. That said, it would very likely preclude any hopes of reconciliation with my wife.

 

 

Then why not do the DNA to test your wife?

Edited February 1, 2015 by Buckeye2

[LeComte]

Very impressive. My wife is an OB/GYN and she would be impressed too.

 

 

 

 

But I have a Ph.D. in genetics. For $160 and postage you can be 99.999999% sure.

 

I'm not sure if I detect sarcasm in your first sentence....

 

If you're working for tOSU, I could avoid the postage and just drop it off to you.

 

I have to address your edit: At this point, I can't really spare the money to do the test. I will say that I did bluff her with a paternity test once. I told her that one X day we had an appointment with a local lab which administers these types of tests. Without hesitation she agreed. She has offered other times to purchase a swab test when I have expressed my anger over the comments made by the OM.

Edited February 1, 2015 by LeComte

[beach]

Tell me again how this is "moving forward" after she's cheated?

 

It actually looks like you're sacrificing your pride/dignity and settling.

[HurtHusband]

Last sep. people here advised me to have a paternity test for my two kids. I thought it sounded crazy, than I find letters from an old flame in the drawer saying how he wants to be there in July. Which is exactly 9 months before our eldest was born.

 

I sent the swaps to a lab and luckily I am the father of both girls. It was a huge relief. I would of loved the child regardless as I raised her for 5 years but in my case I feel like it was a miracle. It's not a nice situation to be in. It's horrible to have to go through all of this crap, but you should do the test.

 

I was like you once too and thought 'my wife could never cheat' boy did I get a lesson in human nature. Do the test, Qtip the child's inside cheek and also yours, zip-lock and separate envelopes and your done. stay strong.

Edited February 1, 2015 by HurtHusband

[JS84]

I read this on another forum and thought it was good advice. Not in all situations but maybe yours.

 

In many ways I had it easy compared to the majority of betrayed posters here. No kids and lots of geographic separation. If I can advise a BS to anything, it is to get as far as possible physically and emotionally from your WS (as feasible) after the affair. You have to have perspective. You cannot get perspective having them around badgering you and reminding you of what they did on a day to day basis. If at all possible get them to leave or move out for a few weeks, then don't contact them. Get your perspective and get your head together. I'm so glad I did.

[LeComte]

Tell me again how this is "moving forward" after she's cheated?

 

It actually looks like you're sacrificing your pride/dignity and settling.

 

My not choosing to conform to your definition of forward movement does not mean that I am not moving, or attempting to move forward.

 

I hate to be blunt, but your advice is neither helpful nor well thought out. Your definition of forward movement appears to be nothing more than moving out (or some variation thereof). I have clearly and explicitly stated that I am not prepared to make such a move, nor do I desire such a move. I have expanded upon my position such that it should be clear that further suggestions such as yours, or further expressions of indignation toward my position are both unwarranted and a complete waste of time. As such, I will no longer reply to posts such as this.

 

 

HurtHusband, it is indeed a horrible situation in which we have found ourselves. I do not deny that such a test could be useful in many respects, not the least of which quieting some lingering fears, but I have thus far not been able to budget such a test. Now, my wife did just suggest that we use tax refund money to have the test done, and I am very receptive to that.

 

May I ask, are you and your WS still together?

[Friskyone4u]

LeConte

First you really need to understand that they say it takes two to five years to recover from infidelity as a norm. And that is with two partners both working hard. From your response to my original post to you it seems you are pretty confident both of these OM are not around any more. As far as you r concern about a " burner" phone, or hidden contact , it is a possibility you need to be aware of. Plus , there are so many apps available for cheaters to use like snapchat that it is difficult unless you are super computer literate.

You can however do a couple of simple things. Put a VAR in her car and also A GPS on it. I know you have her movements monitored but at some point she will want or need some time without you around. And I don't think you answered about these toxic friends of hers. They have to go and be out of her life. Non negotiable. Lastly on this , you can and have the right based on your wife's serial cheating to ask for a polygraph test at any time. Even the threat of it will tell you a lot. If she has nothing to hide she will be anxious to prove to you she is being faithful and truthful. If she gets adamant and refuses that will tell you the opposite . You will be amazed at home many parking lot confessions are obtained by just the fear of the test before it ever happens.

And last but most important get rid of the IDIOT MC you are seeing. Find one that understands infidelity. You own 50% of the problems in the marriage . Your wife owns100% of the affair, and anyone telling you to move on or any different is a quack.

[beach]

My question was valid and sincere based on your title.

 

It's asked because you need to take care of yourself.

 

There's a saying that states "don't pick up crap that isn't yours". This pertains to you as your wife has a lot of hard work on herself in order to earn your trust back.

 

I do hope you will focus on being happy yourself - with or without her - as you deserve that.

 

Allow her room to either perform and transform herself or not. Then you will know IF she intends to be a different woman than she's been.

 

And you should've able to do what makes you happy instead of having the need to police her every move.

 

What caused her to cheat? Does she even know? Has she looked deep within and found what that defect looks like on her?

[HurtHusband]

Leconte, your wife suggested it? You can buy it at walmart for $30 than I think it's + $120 for the lab tests. I'm not sure, I don't live in the US. But its fairly cheap and fast. Why involve your wife? Do it without her involvement. Thanks but no thanks. It's her fault you now have doubts about your child's paternity. You don't need her help to do this test.

 

My thinking has now changed a lot. No longer do I think 'she's innocent and I have to prove she's guilty' it's more like 'she's guilty, she did it, and she will sure as hell do it again' So now I basically know her character, I know what I am living with. You can divorce her 6 months later or whenever your ready, but a leopard does'nt change it's spots. Maybe you don't want to hear that, that's fine. It's your choice. But don't be shocked when the next drama unfolds. My wife had an abortion and less than a month later she gets in touch with an old flame who lives overseas and next thing you know.. They reconnect and he is now the fantasy man in her head that she dreams of romantic times with..no wonder I can't reconcile, any romantic suggestions or offers from me are brushed off.. I know all this now. I won't endure this until the kids are 16.

 

However in your case your doing counseling and you said the wife is trying to play the good wife etc. each situation us different, in my case my wife clearly told me to have an affair if I want and she won't be angry as we have no intimacy and she wants me to 'be happy'

 

I am still with my wife only because I live in Asia in a country with no visitation laws and don't want to risk divorce here and will have to endure it until we go back to my home country.

[Hope Shimmers]

Since March, she has been forced to work every day....

 

Her very first punishment was to tell both our families and friends what she had done. She could not longer hide behind their ignorance. I made her call the OM's wife and inform her of the affair and the details. She then had to write and send an apology letter to that woman for destroying her life.

 

How old is this woman? She's being treated as if she is in middle school. Is that what it takes to make sure she doesn't continue in an A? You seriously made her write a letter to the OM's wife and apologize? What good would that do (for you OR the OM's wife) if it did not come from her - from true remorse - rather than her doing it so she doesn't get thrown out of her marriage or because you "made" her do it?

 

What good does it do to YOU to know that she has to either be with you - driving back and forth to work - or literally sitting next to your family member, so that you can control her behavior and can be sure she isn't cheating again or contacting OM? Are you going to spend the rest of your life with her on a short leash so that you don't get cheated on again? That is sad on so many levels.

 

You said in one of your replies on page 1 of this thread that you dropped out of law school because of her affair. I really, truly hope I misread that. What a total WASTE!!! I hope you didn't blow your entire career because of this lying cheating woman. If you actually dropped out of law school (after being a top law student) because of her crap, I can guarantee how sorry you will be some day in the future for it.

[LeComte]

How old is this woman? She's being treated as if she is in middle school. Is that what it takes to make sure she doesn't continue in an A? You seriously made her write a letter to the OM's wife and apologize? What good would that do (for you OR the OM's wife) if it did not come from her - from true remorse - rather than her doing it so she doesn't get thrown out of her marriage or because you "made" her do it?

 

What good does it do to YOU to know that she has to either be with you - driving back and forth to work - or literally sitting next to your family member, so that you can control her behavior and can be sure she isn't cheating again or contacting OM? Are you going to spend the rest of your life with her on a short leash so that you don't get cheated on again? That is sad on so many levels.

 

You said in one of your replies on page 1 of this thread that you dropped out of law school because of her affair. I really, truly hope I misread that. What a total WASTE!!! I hope you didn't blow your entire career because of this lying cheating woman. If you actually dropped out of law school (after being a top law student) because of her crap, I can guarantee how sorry you will be some day in the future for it.

 

Make decisions with a middle school mindset and you will be treated in that way. The OM's wife deserved to know exactly what transpired between her husband and my wife.

 

You presume too much in your post, as have many others. To believe because you are required to do something, that you cannot believe in what you do is flawed. You assume there is no true remorse because she did not undertake the writing of her own volition. In that, you are mistaken. She decided the content and tone of the letter. I simply required that it be done.

 

What good does it do me to have her on a short leash right now? It eliminates the constant concern about what she is doing. If you cannot comprehend that, you have no business in this section of the board. She is free to do as she wishes, as is any adult. I did not require her to leave her job, though that really has nothing to do with anything. I facilitated her current position, but that has no bearing on the subject either. In fact, it is her current position which requires her to sit with my family, not me.

 

Not that it matters to the situation, but I did leave law school. If you have been in such a program, you should understand the dedication and time required to be successful at all, let alone maintain such a rank. At that time I was unable to concentrate and perform at the level necessary to enjoy continued success. Now, not that this matters either, I return to school in August. As it happens, I will be at a higher ranked school with a healthy scholarship for my troubles.

 

 

I don't know if such presumptions and assumptions are common on this board, but they really help no one. I might suggest that others pursuing similar lines of reasoning, filled with very thinly veiled insults, ask questions before posting. It saves us all time an effort which could be better used elsewhere.

 

I'll just leave this here for anyone else.

[beach]

How do you wish for us to help you?

 

I'm working from the specific info you've provided yet you wish to criticize the info we are working with...?

 

Read these forums. Read them a LOT. You may realize there are patterns to every story here.

 

We have attempted to make suggestions for you to help yourself - but that's not possible when you're set on dismissing any help.

 

Have at it - do it your way. Let us know how it works out for you.