Eagle's-bargain Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 If you keep checking FB you will eventually get right back where you started. You don't give an addict more drugs . And right now FB is acting as your drug. Unfriend anyone that can be associated with him or stay off it . FB is not oxygen . It is not necessary to survive . +1 Consider even deleting your facebook, but first block (not unfriend), BLOCK everyone associated with the MM who knows about the A. Why? Because unless they've taken a side, your side, you should move on. Moving on away from FB is hard if EVERYONE you know has FB. Block him and all his associates or delete facebook. I did it. And then I got FB again, with different credentials, then blocked my AP and all her known associates, even her BS. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Unfriend them all. Link to post Share on other sites
Eagle's-bargain Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Unfriend them all. And block Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 Ok I unfriended! But you need to realize that they don't go on Facebook at all...like ever....so me seeing it was shocking! I'm not some Facebook stalker...I actually harte Facebook I think it's all lies! My question was more to the point of when is the pain going to go away? Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Let go. What does that mean to you? Right now you are physically letting go. There's the emotional, mental and spiritual letting go as well. I do think you are stuck in the above states. You didn't want it to end. It ended. Letting go and moving on is difficult. What can you do to let go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 Let go. What does that mean to you? Right now you are physically letting go. There's the emotional, mental and spiritual letting go as well. I do think you are stuck in the above states. You didn't want it to end. It ended. Letting go and moving on is difficult. What can you do to let go? I am truly trying. I've deleted Facebook, he is blocked on my phone, I deleted all songs on playlist that remind me of him. I go to therapy! I'm so mad about my emotions. I don't know what else to do! I mean if it wasn't for this awful pain I'd be good. I Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I am truly trying. I've deleted Facebook, he is blocked on my phone, I deleted all songs on playlist that remind me of him. I go to therapy! I'm so mad about my emotions. I don't know what else to do! I mean if it wasn't for this awful pain I'd be good. I He's in your mind. The pain is part of letting go. The two go hand in hand. Are you emotionally releasing it or stuffing it aside? Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I think there are always going to be things that are going to trigger your feelings. No matter if you block everyone on FB, there are still opportunities you can see him even if it's just his name in a comment he's tagged in. My advise would be to start trying to change your thoughts of him to negative ones. How can he just move on like we had nothing should be changed to HOW can he just move on with his life like we had nothing, who does that, what a fake, a fraud, ewwww yuk!! How could he do this to me? The same way he did it to his wife because he is a liar and a cheater , Ewww yuk!! I feel so lost and miss him so much. I feel very hurt by HIS ACTIONS but I don't miss the pain of being the OW, hidden on the side, the crumbs, the dishonesty , guessing all the time, living on a limited time schedule ...... I feel for you. It hurts, I know. Hugs sister. Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I don't think that MMs don't miss the OW. They just get on with it in different ways. As for FB I know people who have awful relationships yet you'd think from that medium they were the happiest couples alive. Don't torture yourself with it. 7 weeks is very impressive. Keep going x Link to post Share on other sites
Eagle's-bargain Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I am truly trying. I've deleted Facebook, he is blocked on my phone, I deleted all songs on playlist that remind me of him. I go to therapy! I'm so mad about my emotions. I don't know what else to do! I mean if it wasn't for this awful pain I'd be good. I I have been here before. I have found that at times loving someone else as the OM or OW is akin to a master/retainer relationship (in the Feudal sense). We're not treated as equals, at some point or another we are beneath them (in their eyes). We don't challenge much of their authority, since all we have is evidence to shame us (we facilitated their infidelity, unless we didn't know about the BS). What this means is that it's easier to say now, "I was used (like a feudal retainer), to justify what they (the master) wanted." Even if you have a wonder MM or MW, the bottom line is they are married and therefore there is no equality (see again master/retainer relationship). The bottom line, remind yourself you are not a bad person for being used. However, this doesn't make you an infallible victim. The best thing you can do - in my opinion - is get up and remind yourself that you're not alone. I've been there, the first year was hard (of course mine was a friendship to AP), the second year not so much, and the third year, well I made an account here as an affirmation towards making a difference with myself. I cannot win back what I did not have. You're not alone, and yes it takes time. Some days are better than others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 I think there are always going to be things that are going to trigger your feelings. No matter if you block everyone on FB, there are still opportunities you can see him even if it's just his name in a comment he's tagged in. My advise would be to start trying to change your thoughts of him to negative ones. How can he just move on like we had nothing should be changed to HOW can he just move on with his life like we had nothing, who does that, what a fake, a fraud, ewwww yuk!! How could he do this to me? The same way he did it to his wife because he is a liar and a cheater , Ewww yuk!! I feel so lost and miss him so much. I feel very hurt by HIS ACTIONS but I don't miss the pain of being the OW, hidden on the side, the crumbs, the dishonesty , guessing all the time, living on a limited time schedule ...... I feel for you. It hurts, I know. Hugs sister. You are right. I need to change my thought process. Problem is, is that I didn't get crumbs, I got more of him than anyone else, I was never guessing..I always knew what and where he was...but the truth is, now I am starting to question that as well. If he could lie so easily...mmmm....I just need to be angry and I am but I'm more hurt than anything. Men suck! Well not all, but some! My husband is trying so hard but I don't know how to try just yet. You can't try to work on a relationship if you are mourning one. But I know or I knew I was never going to be with him...I was pretty realistic, I think my problem is memories... Did you ever see that movie " someone like you" with Hugh Hackman and Ashley Judd...anyway this guy breaks her heart and she goes to the doctor to see If she can have her sense of smell removed! Lmao... Cause she says his smell reminds her of him, then she gets sad, then she cries....it's funny but sadly true! Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Ok I unfriended! But you need to realize that they don't go on Facebook at all...like ever....so me seeing it was shocking! I'm not some Facebook stalker...I actually harte Facebook I think it's all lies! My question was more to the point of when is the pain going to go away? It does. I can't give you an exact timeline but it does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 Last week I saw mm at store, we spoke briefly, he called the next day. We texted back and forth a few days. I did not get any satisfaction out of any conversations with him, everything was him and his problems and quite frankly I felt he was a little rude. It's funny cause that was all it took. Went away with husband over the weekend and we had a very nice time. I realized that my h loves me and would do anything for me and I am wasting my energy on a lost cause. I had a awakening and I blocked him, deleted certain Facebook accounts, used my husbands car instead of mine so he doesn't recognize me, went to different food stores! I am no longer in the fog, I can see it all so crystal clear right now that it makes my stomach turn! He used me and prayed on my unhappiness and I fell for it. I will never be the same, not as trusting. I think he is a selfish bastard for not leaving his wife and letting her find someone who truly loves her! It may never work with myself and my husband but I am going to give it 100% now! I feel liberated and I wish every ow could get thorough her darkest days and know that their is sunshine, but it starts with YOU wanting to be free! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I was thinking about you the other day, good to hear from you. This is the moment that I have been hammering you about for the last few months. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 Dk.... Things like this have to happen on their own. I'm pretty stubborn and no one was going to tell me anything. I knew I would get there eventually. You meant well but every story is different. I had to find my own ending and it hit me like a brick wall!! It was like waking up after being asleep for a long time! But thank you for thinking of me and I hope all is well with you and your family! I hope you are enjoying you new little one!!??? Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Last week I saw mm at store, we spoke briefly, he called the next day. We texted back and forth a few days. I did not get any satisfaction out of any conversations with him, everything was him and his problems and quite frankly I felt he was a little rude. It's funny cause that was all it took. Went away with husband over the weekend and we had a very nice time. I realized that my h loves me and would do anything for me and I am wasting my energy on a lost cause. I had a awakening and I blocked him, deleted certain Facebook accounts, used my husbands car instead of mine so he doesn't recognize me, went to different food stores! I am no longer in the fog, I can see it all so crystal clear right now that it makes my stomach turn! He used me and prayed on my unhappiness and I fell for it. I will never be the same, not as trusting. I think he is a selfish bastard for not leaving his wife and letting her find someone who truly loves her! It may never work with myself and my husband but I am going to give it 100% now! I feel liberated and I wish every ow could get thorough her darkest days and know that their is sunshine, but it starts with YOU wanting to be free! It's wonderful you've had your epinany, and turned the corner. I'm truly happy for you. Your husband surely deserves that, as does your marriage. My question is; why do you place so much blame on the MOM? Where is your ownership in your affair? You were/are just as married as he is, where does your husband fit into your statement of deserving to be set free and having the love he deserves? Just as you think the MOM is a bastard for deceiving his wife, you're certainly no different. Your husband certainly deserves the same truth and treatment. No? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 It's wonderful you've had your epinany, and turned the corner. I'm truly happy for you. Your husband surely deserves that, as does your marriage. My question is; why do you place so much blame on the MOM? Where is your ownership in your affair? You were/are just as married as he is, where does your husband fit into your statement of deserving to be set free and having the love he deserves? Just as you think the MOM is a bastard for deceiving his wife, you're certainly no different. Your husband certainly deserves the same truth and treatment. No? I blame myself also. But the thing is, he is still lieing about a lot of things and I've had full disclosure. I don't think he is a bad person but I do think he is selfish. My husband knows everything and we talk about it a lot. As far as my husband leaving to find love, I offered him that and he wants to stay by my side because we all make mistakes. I really don't care where xmm ends up, this journey is all about me and what I learned. I can't disclose everything my husband and I discuss but we did both learn a lot. I used to judge people that cheated....then I was faced with it, having no idea what I was capable of. I think it was also a big lesson for me to not judge people in this situation, I saw a whole other side. I'm not saying its right but I do always teach my kids, don't judge unless you've walked a mile in their shoes. I'm now living that. I'm forgiving myself...I'm human...and with being human comes error. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Does your husband know that you're still in love with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Does your husband know that you're still in love with him? I'm not still in love with him! And thanks again for your support....? Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Was only asking because 6 days ago you said you were. Just trying to get a clear picture. Anyway, I'll bow out. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Maybe I did, I'll have to go back and read again. I'm not saying I didn't feel it but ...the truth is I don't even know what happened... The feelings I had for him just disappeared. I know it sounds weird but it's true. I don't think it was ever love to begin with. Sorry I sounded upset I thought you were baiting me. I'll always think of him in some regard but not in the way I was and I'm really happy I'm at this place right now. 2 weeks ago I thought I needed antidepressants and today I just feel liberated! Who knows why? Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I can relate to what you're saying. Although it took me a lot longer to get there, it's like a switch went off. I can't explain it. I had counseling two weeks ago, I was sad as hell and sick and tired of feeling bad and I got a clear message from my T and a major click sounded in my soul. Done. No more sadness. No more anger. No more connection. No more anything for XAP. Just like that my suffering is over. 16 months of utter despair and I'm done. There is still way more work to be done on marriage and self, but I've let XAP go. Happy to report. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Maybe I did, I'll have to go back and read again. I'm not saying I didn't feel it but ...the truth is I don't even know what happened... The feelings I had for him just disappeared. I know it sounds weird but it's true. I don't think it was ever love to begin with. Sorry I sounded upset I thought you were baiting me. I'll always think of him in some regard but not in the way I was and I'm really happy I'm at this place right now. 2 weeks ago I thought I needed antidepressants and today I just feel liberated! Who knows why? Jos, you don't have to explain it. Those of us that has been there understand. Its like you go to bed with feelings and emotions then you wake up and they're gone. Your right its not love, it feels real. Its the fact that you've convinced yourself that MM was the answer, he is what was missing and makes the picture clear. Your on the right path, and I'm proud of you. This doesn't mean your marriage will heal like your feelings become clear about MM. Hell, it may not work at all. However you will know your making a real attempt. Without a third person with a hand in the outcome. Good Luck PS the baby is great, thanks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 You both just described it.... It was like a light-switch went off.... Crazy!! Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 You both just described it.... It was like a light-switch went off.... Crazy!! I'm glad you got there sooner than I did. Happy for you...for me, too I do feel lighter. God everything was so heavy. Freedom from hell feels good 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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