3 weeks nc.....need reassurance

[Josmatjes]

Your marriage and staying away from the AP are two different things. Even if your husband left (which honestly I think will happen soon, but that's another subject) the MM is still married and still someone you need to, no you have to avoid.

 

Its not easy because you don't want it to be over. You entered NC against your will, for your husband. Because of that its like romeo and juliet or your parents telling you to stay away from the town bad boy. This attitude isn't going to help your marriage, because its not where you want to be.

 

When I read your posts on others threads I can see you give wonderful advice. So it shows that you have the tools to do your part in fixing your marriage and staying totally clear of MM. So what's the hold up? Your mentality. Your thought process and desire are still focused on MM. Work on fixing that and it will be that easy.

You definitely make good points. It's true, it's like I entered it against my will. But that doesn't change the fact that I know this man is toxic for me.

I don't know what my thought process is... I guess deep inside somewhere I don't understand how ths happened and how someone can be your everything and say the most beautiful things and then ...nothing!

I think maybe on my part it's anger too! I'm in therapy and she is helping me deal with my thoughts. Which, let's face it, that's the problem with a lot of us. I'm just so angry that he just walks around like it meant nothing.... I actually want to run him down! It just pisses me off!

 

On another note why do u think my h will leave?

[DKT3]

You definitely make good points. It's true, it's like I entered it against my will. But that doesn't change the fact that I know this man is toxic for me.

I don't know what my thought process is... I guess deep inside somewhere I don't understand how ths happened and how someone can be your everything and say the most beautiful things and then ...nothing!

I think maybe on my part it's anger too! I'm in therapy and she is helping me deal with my thoughts. Which, let's face it, that's the problem with a lot of us. I'm just so angry that he just walks around like it meant nothing.... I actually want to run him down! It just pisses me off!

 

On another note why do u think my h will leave?

 

If he is a typical male, he will be slow to understand what your issues were with him before the affair or he may never get it. You are still very much lusting after MM which means you aren't lusting after him. Any effort you make in that direction will be fake, and since you guys have been together around 20 years he will see your faking.

 

Now, if you spend any time on the infidelity side you will know that MOST betrayed husbands spend a lot of time thinking about sex with other women after their D-day. Honestly there is a good chance he has at least put a mental target on another woman. If she shows any interest in him it will start him thinking "what if? What if I wasn't with Jos"

 

We betrayed spouses go through a period of winning our spouse back, if things remain difficult that period will fade. His focus will then turn you your affair, his anger will grow then all of a sudden a calm. Watch out for the calm, that means the end is near. It means he has over comes whatever fears he had of leaving the marriage.

 

Now, I personally don't think you want your marriage over. I think your trying to stall and deal with the MM.

 

I don't know your husband personally, I know numbers. And the numbers say you have about 10 months from d-day til his exit day. 7 of 10 betrayed husbands leave the marriage. Roughly 80% around 10 months.

 

Simply put, men are far less emotionally equiped to handle infidelity then women. If the wife is still lusting after the affair partner his ego won't allow him to stay.

[jbrent890]

You definitely make good points. It's true, it's like I entered it against my will. But that doesn't change the fact that I know this man is toxic for me.

I don't know what my thought process is... I guess deep inside somewhere I don't understand how ths happened and how someone can be your everything and say the most beautiful things and then ...nothing!

I think maybe on my part it's anger too! I'm in therapy and she is helping me deal with my thoughts. Which, let's face it, that's the problem with a lot of us. I'm just so angry that he just walks around like it meant nothing.... I actually want to run him down! It just pisses me off!

 

On another note why do u think my h will leave?

 

I think you just answered your own question. Right now, you are wondering why your affair did not mean as much to him as it did you. That's completely understandable. A lot of women in your position feel the exact same way, why? Because you stand to lose everything and it is easier to say I did what I did because we were in love. But now you realize that he did not feel the same way about you. I get it. It's hard to accept the fact that you might have risked your marriage to be someone's side piece. But that's just it though. If your husband sees that your fixated on this issue, he is going to believe that you still want the AP. Watching your wife shift her emotions away from her AP is torture for a lot of men. I believe this is why most men walk away from the R process. Also, I get the sense that there maybe some blame shifting going on as well. If your conversations with your husband mirror your posts from the past, then that may cause him to walk as well. I hope you don't think I'm being harsh, im just stating my observations. Hope this helps

[Josmatjes]

I think you just answered your own question. Right now, you are wondering why your affair did not mean as much to him as it did you. That's completely understandable. A lot of women in your position feel the exact same way, why? Because you stand to lose everything and it is easier to say I did what I did because we were in love. But now you realize that he did not feel the same way about you. I get it. It's hard to accept the fact that you might have risked your marriage to be someone's side piece. But that's just it though. If your husband sees that your fixated on this issue, he is going to believe that you still want the AP. Watching your wife shift her emotions away from her AP is torture for a lot of men. I believe this is why most men walk away from the R process. Also, I get the sense that there maybe some blame shifting going on as well. If your conversations with your husband mirror your posts from the past, then that may cause him to walk as well. I hope you don't think I'm being harsh, im just stating my observations. Hope this helps

I don't think your harsh at all.... I just pm Dk a back story .iwill send it to you cause I appreciate both your advice.

[awkward]

Yeah I should of just said hi how are you, gotta go... But I just was like a deer in headlights.. Awful!!

 

I think you need to come up with some better tools.

 

Instead of saying hi, how are you, gotta go... try just going.

[Josmatjes]

Woke up this morning after seeing him briefly yesterday and the anger has set in.

I'm mad at myself for being weak! I feel like I gave my power away. The way he acted like it was nothing...the way he asked me if I'd been trying to text him and I said no...realizing he asked cause he probably blocked me. I'm mad that as he was walking away he flippantly said he'd text me.

I'm just angry at myself and him for being such a snake!!

[Patna]

Great! I hope you'll continue hating him & the affair because that's what kept me away from my ex-AP!

[snappytomcat]

your not weak,just get back on that horse

keep on hating him,you are strong you will get through this

[whichwayisup]

Woke up this morning after seeing him briefly yesterday and the anger has set in.

I'm mad at myself for being weak! I feel like I gave my power away. The way he acted like it was nothing...the way he asked me if I'd been trying to text him and I said no...realizing he asked cause he probably blocked me. I'm mad that as he was walking away he flippantly said he'd text me.

I'm just angry at myself and him for being such a snake!!

 

Change your number! Or block him.

 

Bolded: You did, but now you can take back the power and IGNORE him. You know he's a snake and not worth so much angst. DO NOT shed any more tears over him, he certainly isn't crying over you. Use your anger to push yourself to move on and never look back. He isn't worthy to be in your head at all!! Try your best to stop thinking about him.

[Lurkeraspect]

Woke up this morning after seeing him briefly yesterday and the anger has set in.

I'm mad at myself for being weak! I feel like I gave my power away. The way he acted like it was nothing...the way he asked me if I'd been trying to text him and I said no...realizing he asked cause he probably blocked me. I'm mad that as he was walking away he flippantly said he'd text me.

I'm just angry at myself and him for being such a snake!!

 

Why is he a snake? Why are you any different than he is? You're not some young, naive girl. He didn't force you to have sex with him. You went into the affair with your eyes wide open and made the choice to engage, just like he did.

 

If being furious at him helps you to disengage, then good. I'd just gently add that you need to look deeper and not lay all the responsibility on this MOM. You were both culpable.

[Josmatjes]

So after his backwards remark saying... I'll text you....he never did...I'm glad he didn't but at the same time I'm mad that he just tossed that line at me.... Does that make sense? I truly hate him!

[Rainbowlove]

So after his backwards remark saying... I'll text you....he never did...I'm glad he didn't but at the same time I'm mad that he just tossed that line at me.... Does that make sense? I truly hate him!

 

I think you are giving him too much energy.

 

The anger is a stage of grief. You are still grieving.

 

You can tell us how much you despise him, but I'm not buying it. You enjoyed seeing him, talking to him and probably even hoped he'd text you.

 

He didn't. You are mad as hell for hoping he would, for believing him and for still caring for him.

 

When you finally are over them, they can't touch you with words. Their words have no weight, no meaning. It's a process to get to that place.

 

Was I there at 9 months, no. Am I there today, 15 months later? Yes, I am.

 

My energy is elsewhere. Your energy is still very much with him. Negative energy is none the less, energy.

 

Time to get honest with yourself. You do not despise him. You are not over him. You probably still miss him.

 

Yes?

[Josmatjes]

I think you are giving him too much energy.

 

The anger is a stage of grief. You are still grieving.

 

You can tell us how much you despise him, but I'm not buying it. You enjoyed seeing him, talking to him and probably even hoped he'd text you.

 

He didn't. You are mad as hell for hoping he would, for believing him and for still caring for him.

 

When you finally are over them, they can't touch you with words. Their words have no weight, no meaning. It's a process to get to that place.

 

Was I there at 9 months, no. Am I there today, 15 months later? Yes, I am.

 

My energy is elsewhere. Your energy is still very much with him. Negative energy is none the less, energy.

 

Time to get honest with yourself. You do not despise him. You are not over him. You probably still miss him.

 

Yes?[/quote

You may be right...I don't even know what to think anymore. I'm hurt and angry.still! But I KNOW I will not contact him or meet w him or be with him. That part is over for me.

It's just so mental right now. I'm just taking it day to day. That's all I can do.

And btw I'm proud that I don't text him....I'm getting stronger everyday...

Fake it till you make it!!

[sunburned]

I think you are giving him too much energy.

 

The anger is a stage of grief. You are still grieving.

 

You can tell us how much you despise him, but I'm not buying it. You enjoyed seeing him, talking to him and probably even hoped he'd text you.

 

He didn't. You are mad as hell for hoping he would, for believing him and for still caring for him.

 

When you finally are over them, they can't touch you with words. Their words have no weight, no meaning. It's a process to get to that place.

 

Was I there at 9 months, no. Am I there today, 15 months later? Yes, I am.

 

My energy is elsewhere. Your energy is still very much with him. Negative energy is none the less, energy.

 

Time to get honest with yourself. You do not despise him. You are not over him. You probably still miss him.

 

Yes?

 

This is pretty much how it went down for me too.

 

Now 18 months of NC. Boo-ya!

 

Fake it 'til you make it worked for me in the meantime. You got this, Jos.

[Rainbowlove]

Yes?You may be right...I don't even know what to think anymore. I'm hurt and angry.still! But I KNOW I will not contact him or meet w him or be with him. That part is over for me.

It's just so mental right now. I'm just taking it day to day. That's all I can do.

And btw I'm proud that I don't text him....I'm getting stronger everyday...

Fake it till you make it!!

 

The mental aspect will linger for some time, but it does become less. However, each time you see him and engage, it's like peeling back the band aid and reopening wounds.

 

Don't do it.

 

Should you run into him again, look the other way and keep going. No eye contact, no hello...nothing.

[Josmatjes]

I have to say most days are good and I'm moving on. But sometimes I let the thoughts in and it just kills me. And it's not because I want him, that's not it because at this point my pride would never let me. But how does someone love you and buy you things and take you out places and then when it's dday that's it? Did it mean anything to them?

It just pisses me off so much. Cause I know it couldn't of been for just sex, there's no way, because he treated me amazing and it wasn't always sexual. Why do people play with other peoples lives...

 

Ok anyway got that out of my system, feel much better!

[rie05]

I have to say most days are good and I'm moving on. But sometimes I let the thoughts in and it just kills me. And it's not because I want him, that's not it because at this point my pride would never let me. But how does someone love you and buy you things and take you out places and then when it's dday that's it? Did it mean anything to them?

It just pisses me off so much. Cause I know it couldn't of been for just sex, there's no way, because he treated me amazing and it wasn't always sexual. Why do people play with other peoples lives...

 

Ok anyway got that out of my system, feel much better!

 

I'm in exactly the same boat. Got thrown under the bus big time on D-Day. I'm nearly 4 weeks total NC. I just wish I knew the same. However. The fact they can just walk away from us and not say a word should say it all.

 

You know what though? It doesn't matter! None of it. He is gone. Do the details matter?? He choose her.... That's how I try to view it

[jellybean89]

This is in no way snarky, but...you knew he was married. Why would you allow yourself to engage in an affair? How did you think it was going to end? He would leave his wife and you would live happily ever after?

 

You saw he was capable of lying, gaslighting, deceiving, etc....yet you chose to engage vs run live hell. Why? He can be blamed for his portion, but you have to blame yourself for engaging and being a co-conspirator.

[whichwayisup]

But how does someone love you and buy you things and take you out places and then when it's dday that's it

 

It means his wife and family are more important and even if he did have feelings for you, what he has at home is real and the glue that holds him and his wife together was stronger than what he shared with you during the affair.

 

Don't make this about you or what you did or didn't do. This is about him and his life, one that he didn't want to lose.

 

I hope soon you can make peace with what happened and forgive him, so you can move on. Forgiveness is for you, to help you move forward and rid of those yucky self doubt feelings and resentment.

[DKT3]

I have to say most days are good and I'm moving on. But sometimes I let the thoughts in and it just kills me. And it's not because I want him, that's not it because at this point my pride would never let me. But how does someone love you and buy you things and take you out places and then when it's dday that's it? Did it mean anything to them?

It just pisses me off so much. Cause I know it couldn't of been for just sex, there's no way, because he treated me amazing and it wasn't always sexual. Why do people play with other peoples lives...

 

Ok anyway got that out of my system, feel much better!

 

Chances are it was about sex for him, or maybe an ego boost of knowing he could sleep with a married woman how also happened to be his friends wife. That doesn't mean he didn't care about you on some level or simply enjoyed your company.

 

However at the end of the day what he had with his wife was more important to him. You were extra and not instead of. I know this is hard for some WW's to understand because when they have affairs they often would gladly replace their husbands with AP. WH just don't see it that way. Their affair doesn't damage how he feels about his wife.

 

He decided his marriage is MORE important, doesn't mean he didn't care.

[Josmatjes]

7 weeks and I'm doing good but then tonight I couldn't sleep so I go on Facebook. Mm is not on there. Only his daughter who is friends w me but she is never on. Recently mms wife went on but she isn't ever on either. I never see anything nor look for it.

Tonight there is a pic of him w his kid and a cute caption from her, my babies...

 

I got sick to my stomach and so hurt...when is this going to just end and go away. I think I'm more hurt that I feel he is really over me. We didn't just have sex we had a relationship, we did a lot of stuff together and were best friends. How is he okay and I'm not?i actually think id feel better if i knew he missed me.some days I'm fine but truth is that nights are the hardest but I'm still no contact but it's still hurting like hell.

 

Any advice would be helpful...

[badpenny]

Well, you just know, don't you, that the best and most obvious advice will be to delete your FB account, or at least block him, his daughter and anyone else who could bring you into contact with anything going on.

 

Sadly, the main advice is that you're doing this to yourself, and the solution, you already know....

[GoldieLox]

7 weeks and I'm doing good but then tonight I couldn't sleep so I go on Facebook. Mm is not on there. Only his daughter who is friends w me but she is never on. Recently mms wife went on but she isn't ever on either. I never see anything nor look for it.

Tonight there is a pic of him w his kid and a cute caption from her, my babies...

 

I got sick to my stomach and so hurt...when is this going to just end and go away. I think I'm more hurt that I feel he is really over me. We didn't just have sex we had a relationship, we did a lot of stuff together and were best friends. How is he okay and I'm not?i actually think id feel better if i knew he missed me.some days I'm fine but truth is that nights are the hardest but I'm still no contact but it's still hurting like hell.

 

Any advice would be helpful...

Advice: unfriend his daughter, wife, whomever else you are friends with who is associated with him, especially his kids. As long as temptation is there, you will fall into it. As hard as it is to hear, you may have had a relationship, but he chose his family in the end and looking at these pictures is just torturing you. Stop doing it to yourself.

[Darren Steez]

To stop getting burnt by putting your hand into the toaster..stop putting your hand into the toaster.

 

Stop looking at FB = Stop getting hurt by what he posts.

[Friskyone4u]

The last twomposts tell you exactly what to do. You are using this FB as a lifeline to try to stay connected to your AP. And the quicker you get over the idea that you had a REAL relationship the easier it will be. He did not leave his wife for you , he is moving on with his life and the less you know about his life the better off you will be.

If you keep checking FB you will eventually get right back where you started. You don't give an addict more drugs . And right now FB is acting as your drug.

Unfriend anyone that can be associated with him or stay off it .

FB is not oxygen . It is not necessary to survive .