I hate getting a crush on women and becoming infatuated.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Though this is not true everyone. Personality and connection are more than 50% of attraction for many people.

 

It often seems that people who believe that attraction is overwhelmingly about physical appearance are more frustrated than people who don't believe that. It might be because if you choose by other criteria as well, or primarily, and realize that others might also be doing that, there is more neutrality and acceptance that sometimes people just don't fit, but are still good people. It might also be that people who don't choose overwhelmingly by looks and general sociability assume that it will take time before developing crushes. So it could be easier to attach only after getting to know someone one on one.

 

It is not true for everybody but it is the major screen.

 

When you try and convince yourself that personality, heart and connection can prevail over looks, THAT is when you fall in love with your pretty coworker over the course of 9 months, who you talk to about everything and have fun with, but she rejects you because she likes tall pretty boys and wasn't attracted to you from the second you met, you just didn't play the game the right way.

So, basically OP is playing the game the right way. Get the physical attraction question out of the way first before you fall head over heels with someone who has no physical attraction to you and it takes you two years to get over them, instead of having a crush on a girl that takes you two weeks to get over.

[DirtyHairy]

Its funny how experiences of the same things can be so opposite for some people. I never, not even once, could become "friend" with girls who rejected me. They all just stopped talking to me, avoided me at all costs, ignored my messages, behave like nothing happened, like i never existed in their lives. And even if they didnt have this attitude, how can you be friend? Listen to their stories how they met another boyfriend? What a horrible friendship. I hate getting crushes. They bring nothing but misery. I wish i could become senseless robot.

 

Well you have to realize I was friends with them before, then later after getting to k ow her better developed some feelings for her. Went out and kissed etc etc. Then she decided she wasn't ready for that kind of thing. I said I'd like to remain friends. We still hang out, I see her often. I Stoll like her but thatll go away.

 

I'd rather be friends with someone than not be friends with them. I'm attracted to them because I enjoy their company, enjoy spending time with them and if its not in a sexual way and just in a friends way so be it. Its better to have friends who you like than friends you dislike. Just my opinion. Not saying its for everyone or he easiest thing in the world tho.

[rester]

I have quickly moved on from a lot of girls last year.

 

My normal routine has been to meet and become interested in a lot of women in college every semester. Then I quickly go through them trying to find out which ones are available. When I find the ones that are, I try to pursue them, and usually quickly give up if things don't work out.

 

But every couple of years I meet one girl who turns out to be everything I'm looking for in a woman and end up having an extremely hard time moving on from after she inventively rejects me. Currently that girl is BG. Before her it was my ex I dated in 2013. From 2009 to early 2011 it was a girl that I've made several threads about. I have pursued and then walked away from around 15 other girls since 2009. All of them were at least casual friends.

 

 

 

I wonder how many women I actually have to meet and get to know till I can get another girlfriend? Honestly it feels like my success rate is one out of one hundred and that seems like it's way too low.

 

Somedude, from this post it sounds like you've pursued about 18-20 girls in the last 5-6 years. That may seem like a lot, but it's actually very low compared to most successful guys.

 

The difference is that you tend to pursue even after being rejected, which just wastes time. You need to learn how to escape from the fantasy of these girls you get stuck on and move to other women. BG is causing you heartache but you continue to stay stuck in communication with her.

 

When you sense you are developing either an unrequited crush or an inappropriate one, cease deliberate contact ASAP.

[TigerLilly78]

 

When you try and convince yourself that personality, heart and connection can prevail over looks, THAT is when you fall in love with your pretty coworker over the course of 9 months, who you talk to about everything and have fun with, but she rejects you because she likes tall pretty boys and wasn't attracted to you from the second you met, you just didn't play the game the right way.

 

Maybe thinking relationships are a "game" in the 1st place is part of todays problem in general no one takes getting to know anyone seriously cause why bother onto the next? And your example doesn't make sense to me cause that can also happen if you were supper attracted to that co worker no? I mean instant physical attraction dose not guarantee its going to be reciprocated.

 

I dont know ide rather build off of common intrests and simular personalitys that seams to end off more stable at the end of the day. If they happen to be super attractive to you then awsome you hit the bonus! If not then at the core there is still something of substance there lets face it we are all going to age and looks are not eternal for anyone..

[JuneJulySeptember]

Maybe thinking relationships are a "game" in the 1st place is part of todays problem in general no one takes getting to know anyone seriously cause why bother onto the next? And your example doesn't make sense to me cause that can also happen if you were supper attracted to that co worker no? I mean instant physical attraction dose not guarantee its going to be reciprocated.

 

I dont know ide rather build off of common intrests and simular personalitys that seams to end off more stable at the end of the day. If they happen to be super attractive to you then awsome you hit the bonus! If not then at the core there is still something of substance there lets face it we are all going to age and looks are not eternal for anyone..

 

If you were super attracted to the co-worker without knowing her, then it wouldn't take you long to get over.

 

If on the other hand, you make a connection with her, then it could crush you, and that is what we are talking about in this thread, emotional investment.

 

Better to just get your answer right away and minimize investment.

[somedude81]

Maybe thinking relationships are a "game" in the 1st place is part of todays problem in general no one takes getting to know anyone seriously cause why bother onto the next? And your example doesn't make sense to me cause that can also happen if you were supper attracted to that co worker no? I mean instant physical attraction dose not guarantee its going to be reciprocated.

 

I dont know ide rather build off of common intrests and simular personalitys that seams to end off more stable at the end of the day. If they happen to be super attractive to you then awsome you hit the bonus! If not then at the core there is still something of substance there lets face it we are all going to age and looks are not eternal for anyone..

 

I only go for women that I have common interests with and have similar personalities. But 9 times out of 10 that's not what women are actually looking for.

[somedude81]

SD, I've been following you since I joined LS about 3 years ago, and I have to say, you've come a long way! Not only with the school stuff (although great job with that), but also with deeper things. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I get frustrated reading your posts, but overall I think you're doing an amazing job and I'm certain if you keep working at it, you'll find the things you're looking for...

 

Thanks Weezy!

 

Yeah I do feel like that I am making progress and I feel overall better about my life.

 

My focus has been to take care of the things that I needed to. But I'm still frustrated that my wants are being left out.

[somedude81]

I'm somewhat similar.

 

I run into women I am attracted to all of the time, and the vast majority of them I have absolutely no chance with.

 

The thing to do is tone down your attraction. You will soon realize attraction is about 90% looks. So, you really like that cute girl in class who smiled at you. The really cool 60 year old woman with one eye who you had that great conversation with? Not so much.

 

We, as humans can control basically anything we do with enough effort.

 

I understand where you are coming from. It must be a pretty amazing feeling to think somebody is hot and they think you are hot back. But it's like being 6'2" to me. Not in this lifetime! You just have to deal with the cards life has dealt you.

Hmm, I don't really understand what you are saying here.

 

Are you saying I don't go for women I'm attracted to and purposefully go after the ones I'm not?

 

There is no way I'm that I'm going to accept that nobody I'm attracted to will ever be attracted to me.

[somedude81]

Somedude, from this post it sounds like you've pursued about 18-20 girls in the last 5-6 years. That may seem like a lot, but it's actually very low compared to most successful guys.

 

Is it really that low?

 

As I said before, almost all of the girls I seriously pursued were casual friends of mine, some I knew much better than others. I don't really ask out women right when I meet them.

 

I think it the main reason for that is that I'm not looking for sex, I'm looking for a relationship. That's why I'm pretty selective on who I pursue and it takes me a little longer to make a move.

 

The difference is that you tend to pursue even after being rejected, which just wastes time. You need to learn how to escape from the fantasy of these girls you get stuck on and move to other women. BG is causing you heartache but you continue to stay stuck in communication with her.

 

In the vast majority of cases I do give up when a girl turns me down. Though BG is one of the few girls that really get to me. My fantasy life with her is so vivid and it's perfect. I know she would be happy too, but it's almost as if she's unwilling to imagine what could happen. I wish I could have a conversation with her that would convince her to date me, but I know that it's completely impossible. I'm also really struggling with trying to understand why she's not interested. She hasn't given me any reasons, and of course I haven't asked, but I really would like to know why.

 

When you sense you are developing either an unrequited crush or an inappropriate one, cease deliberate contact ASAP.

 

If only we all immediately did the most logical action, life would be far more simple for all of us.

[xxoo]

In the vast majority of cases I do give up when a girl turns me down. Though BG is one of the few girls that really get to me. My fantasy life with her is so vivid and it's perfect. I know she would be happy too, but it's almost as if she's unwilling to imagine what could happen. I wish I could have a conversation with her that would convince her to date me, but I know that it's completely impossible. I'm also really struggling with trying to understand why she's not interested. She hasn't given me any reasons, and of course I haven't asked, but I really would like to know why.

 

Can you separate fantasy from reality?

 

She quite literally doesn't share your feelings. What makes you happy and what makes her happy are different things. How can you know she'd be happy with you if you don't even know what would make her happy in a relationship?

[somedude81]

Can you separate fantasy from reality?

 

She quite literally doesn't share your feelings. What makes you happy and what makes her happy are different things. How can you know she'd be happy with you if you don't even know what would make her happy in a relationship?

 

I know what she enjoys doing.

 

Our personalities mix very well and we enjoy many of the same things. Conversation is easy and fun.

 

I seriously can't think of any reason why she wouldn't be happy with me, unless she has absolutely zero physical attraction to me. And my God, if she isn't into me because of my height.....

[johan]

I understand the sentiment and frustration with crushes, when your feelings aren't returned or acknowledged. But there were times in my single life when there were no women around who I had a crush on. Instead of feeling wound up and frustrated, I felt instead sort of depressed and dreary. My life has more color when there is a woman in it who excites me. Crushes are healthy.

[xxoo]

I know what she enjoys doing.

 

Our personalities mix very well and we enjoy many of the same things. Conversation is easy and fun.

 

I seriously can't think of any reason why she wouldn't be happy with me, unless she has absolutely zero physical attraction to me. And my God, if she isn't into me because of my height.....

 

I need character traits in a relationship that are over and above a friend. I've had many friends who I enjoyed hanging out with but would never want as a partner because they are (imo) irresponsible, lazy, have bad habits, etc. I don't care about those things in a friend, but they are deal breakers for a relationship for sure!

[somedude81]

I understand the sentiment and frustration with crushes, when your feelings aren't returned or acknowledged. But there were times in my single life when there were no women around who I had a crush on. Instead of feeling wound up and frustrated, I felt instead sort of depressed and dreary. My life has more color when there is a woman in it who excites me. Crushes are healthy.

 

Wow johan, I feel the same way.

 

Honestly, I do feel better when I have somebody I'm chasing. I feel drive and purpose.

 

It's almost like I seek out one woman to have a crush on.

[somedude81]

I need character traits in a relationship that are over and above a friend. I've had many friends who I enjoyed hanging out with but would never want as a partner because they are (imo) irresponsible, lazy, have bad habits, etc. I don't care about those things in a friend, but they are deal breakers for a relationship for sure!

 

Of course.

 

But Busy Girl doesn't see those things in me. She knows that I just graduated college, that I'm looking for work and am actively going on interviews (I'll find out if I get a job tomorrow). She also knows that I have my own car and apartment.

 

I seriously doubt that she would be able to mention any red flags about me. She knows that we have many common interests. That's why I'm struggling to understand why she isn't interested.

 

BTW, one thing I do need to convey is that I know that she truly is busy with life. The spring college semester just started for her and I know she is taking a lot of units. I know that she believes that she doesn't have time for a boyfriend, but I'm not quite sure how much time she thinks it would take to have a boyfriend. I really don't require a lot of attention. I wish I could somehow convey to her that we could date without interfering with her schooling.

 

Of course, if she was interested in me, she wouldn't be telling me that she's busy right?

[JuneJulySeptember]

Hmm, I don't really understand what you are saying here.

 

Are you saying I don't go for women I'm attracted to and purposefully go after the ones I'm not?

 

There is no way I'm that I'm going to accept that nobody I'm attracted to will ever be attracted to me.

 

No.

 

I'm saying that you can control the amount of investment that you put into women you are attracted to.

 

But you already know that because you've chased women around after unrequited love before and wallowed in the friendzone and know that is not the way to go.

 

Now. If you are heartbroken/emotional over a woman you have actually dated, that is a completely different thing than unrequited love because you are getting something back. Unrequited love, you put all, you get zero back.

 

In other words, never put in anything signficant unless you get something back.

[xxoo]

Of course.

 

But Busy Girl doesn't see those things in me. She knows that I just graduated college, that I'm looking for work and am actively going on interviews (I'll find out if I get a job tomorrow). She also knows that I have my own car and apartment.

 

You don't know what she sees. That's the point.

 

I just listed those things that are deal breakers for me. Every woman has her own perspective on what she's looking for in a partner. Mine were examples, and we don't even know what hers are. It's strikingly self centered to believe that you know what kind of partner and relationship would make her happy based on what you want.

[somedude81]

No.

 

I'm saying that you can control the amount of investment that you put into women you are attracted to.

 

But you already know that because you've chased women around after unrequited love before and wallowed in the friendzone and know that is not the way to go.

 

Now. If you are heartbroken/emotional over a woman you have actually dated, that is a completely different thing than unrequited love because you are getting something back. Unrequited love, you put all, you get zero back.

 

In other words, never put in anything signficant unless you get something back.

 

When I'm really stuck on a girl I tend to go all in. That's just how I am. When I fall, I fall hard. Yes I know that it's not healthy and almost always painful for me, but that's just what happens.

[somedude81]

You don't know what she sees. That's the point.

 

OK, so how do I find out how she sees me?

 

I just listed those things that are deal breakers for me. Every woman has her own perspective on what she's looking for in a partner. Mine were examples, and we don't even know what hers are.

 

You're right that I don't know what her deal breakers are. She seems like an intelligent level-headed woman I wouldn't be surprised if she has the same deal breakers that you do. What I'm trying to say is that I can't think of any thing I have that would be a deal breaker to her, unless she had some deal breakers that were pretty out there, like the guy must make $100k a year.

 

It's strikingly self centered to believe that you know what kind of partner and relationship would make her happy based on what you want.

 

I'm trying to explain that she would be happy because I know that what she enjoys doing. We have many common interests. That has to mean something right? Also when we talk we have fun and tease each other.

 

I'm trying to understand why she thinks she wouldn't be happy with me.

 

It sucks that I just can't ask her what she's looking for in a guy.

Edited January 27, 2015 by somedude81

[clia]

I'm really surprised to hear that you are still hung up on busy girl months after she told you she wasn't interested. You really need to move on from her for your own benefit.

 

Of course.

 

But Busy Girl doesn't see those things in me. She knows that I just graduated college, that I'm looking for work and am actively going on interviews (I'll find out if I get a job tomorrow). She also knows that I have my own car and apartment.

 

I seriously doubt that she would be able to mention any red flags about me.

 

If I were a 21 year old busy, driven girl, taking a lot of credits in school, I would see a lot of red flags in a 33 year old man who had just graduated college and was about to embark on his first full time job who had no friends. He might be a nice guy who I had enough in common with to talk to from time to time and be friendly with, but I wouldn't have even remotely considered starting a relationship with him or even going on a date with him. Maybe your girl feels similarly. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that either; you have made great strides. But you seem to view yourself as a 22 year old new college grad who is on the same playing field with other 22 year olds, when the reality of your situation is far different. Frankly, it's no big accomplishment to have your own car and apartment at age 33. You should have both of those things by age 33.

 

She knows that we have many common interests. That's why I'm struggling to understand why she isn't interested.

 

She just isn't interested. That's all you need to know. Common interests are very important, but so are a lot of other things. We've all been trying to convey that to you for months, if not years.

 

Is it really that low?

 

Yes, pursuing only 18-20 girls in a 5-6 year period is incredibly low. Dating is a huge numbers game and it seems like you almost purposely prevent yourself from succeeding by barely even trying. There's no reason why you can't be out meeting women. Go to a bar, take a dance class, go to a Meetup event, etc....but you've heard this all before.

[JuneJulySeptember]

When I'm really stuck on a girl I tend to go all in. That's just how I am. When I fall, I fall hard. Yes I know that it's not healthy and almost always painful for me, but that's just what happens.

 

As long as you can get by.

 

I had a series of a few women where I got to know them for a good amount of time and I got along with them great. They all rejected me. I invested big in all of them.

 

Overinvesting can make you REALLY bitter.

 

I'm so much better now that I see things more holistically and treat it like a numbers game.

 

Back then, I used to just think about how that woman I liked so much rejected me, and I'd get mad and steamed.

 

Nowadays, I just got through getting rejected by like 60+ women online and it's like water off my back. I mean, I might vent now and then about women in general, and it's no kind of fun, but I'm generally at peace with how things are.

 

I do see more of that in you now too. Don't overinvest.

[Maleficent]

 

Being alone wishing I had a girlfriend isn't much better than being alone and wishing X girl was my girlfriend.

 

I think that's your problem right there.

Stop living your life hoping you had a girlfriend. Live your life and let the girlfriend happen whenever it happens.

[xxoo]

 

 

I'm trying to explain that she would be happy because I know that what she enjoys doing. We have many common interests. That has to mean something right? Also when we talk we have fun and tease each other.

 

I'm trying to understand why she thinks she wouldn't be happy with me.

 

It sucks that I just can't ask her what she's looking for in a guy.

 

Having common interests does not need to mean anything beyond friends. SO many people are great for friendship but FAR from "dating material" for me personally (but maybe ideal dating material for someone else).

 

You're friends. Why not ask her what she's looking for in a guy? She might not be able to answer in a satisfying way, but I don't see any reason you can't ask her.

 

Here's another relationship quality for me: someone who is assertive. I need that in a partner. And that is something demonstrated through big and small daily interactions, not something that I need months of knowing a person to discover.

[Maleficent]

I only go for women that I have common interests with and have similar personalities. But 9 times out of 10 that's not what women are actually looking for.

 

Try going after different types of women?

[somedude81]

I'm really surprised to hear that you are still hung up on busy girl months after she told you she wasn't interested. You really need to move on from her for your own benefit.

 

Yeah I know that, and it may happen pretty soon.

 

If I were a 21 year old busy, driven girl, taking a lot of credits in school, I would see a lot of red flags in a 33 year old man who had just graduated college and was about to embark on his first full time job who had no friends.

 

She's almost 24. Like me, she started college late and she has a couple more years to go.

 

She has no idea how old I am.

 

She knows I have friends and that I'm sociable.

 

This is not my first full-time job and she has no reason to believe that it is.

 

 

He might be a nice guy who I had enough in common with to talk to from time to time and be friendly with, but I wouldn't have even remotely considered starting a relationship with him or even going on a date with him. Maybe your girl feels similarly. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that either; you have made great strides. But you seem to view yourself as a 22 year old new college grad who is on the same playing field with other 22 year olds, when the reality of your situation is far different. Frankly, it's no big accomplishment to have your own car and apartment at age 33. You should have both of those things by age 33.

 

Based on my previous answers, I don't think so.

 

Also I can't see why I'm not on the same playing field as a 22 year old new college grad simply because I'm older.

 

She just isn't interested. That's all you need to know. Common interests are very important, but so are a lot of other things. We've all been trying to convey that to you for months, if not years.

 

And after all these years I still haven't heard an answer that actually explains why.

 

Nothing about women makes any sense to me.

 

Yes, pursuing only 18-20 girls in a 5-6 year period is incredibly low. Dating is a huge numbers game and it seems like you almost purposely prevent yourself from succeeding by barely even trying. There's no reason why you can't be out meeting women. Go to a bar, take a dance class, go to a Meetup event, etc....but you've heard this all before.

 

No interest in meeting girls in bars but I do take dance classes outside of college. What I need most of all are situations where I can interact with a woman a few times before I ask her out.

 

Once I get a job I'll try OLD. I've looked a bit at meet up groups and nothing really stands out to me. I'll look again soon.