Any BW who don't fit into the BW cliche ? Re Sex

[VeryBrokenMan]

Actually I use the word "intrusions" for what others here call mind movies. Some intrusions are indeed like a movie playing out, sometimes creative, sometimes fictions I play out trying to change the outcome, sometimes editing the story. But for me intrusions because they enter my head without my permission.

 

I've been able to edit these intrusions somewhat successfully as well the past couple of months. Anytime they intrude I just picture the AP wearing women's panties or bra or somehow being humiliated. It's to the point where it makes me laugh at him not be hurt by the image. My IC suggested this and it works well.

[Snowflower]

 

My WH's mother was the same way, cheated on his father and broke the whole family up. He still brings it up to this day.

 

No excuse for what your WH did...but his mother's behavior probably has some correlation to his decisions. In fact, I would bet on it. If her cheating broke up the family and changed his life forever, he probably deals with feelings of abandonment and rejection by the one person who was supposed to love him unconditionally...our moms are supposed to love us like that.

 

Just food for thought. I've been through similar to what you are describing. As gross as it sounds, it took a long time for ME to get the other woman out of our bed... as far as my thoughts went.

[elaine567]

It's just the mind movies that plague me at this point and I need it to end.

 

You are suffering from a form of PTSD.

 

"The trauma evoked by profound relationship betrayal typically manifests in one or more of the following ways:

• Emotional lability (excessive emotional reactions and frequent mood shifts) – recurrent tearfulness, quick shifts from rage to sadness to hope and back again
  
• Hypervigilence that can manifest in self-protective behaviors like doing “detective work” (checking bills, wallets, computer files, phone apps, browser histories, etc.)
  
• Attempting to combine a series of unrelated events in order to predict future betrayal
  
• Being labile and easily triggered (think PTSD) into anxiety, rage, or fear by any hint that the betrayal might be repeated or ongoing – trigger examples include: the spouse comes home late, turns off the computer quickly, or looks “too long” at an attractive person
  
• Sleeplessness, nightmares, difficulty focusing on the day-to-day
  
• Obsessing about the trauma – struggling to focus, being distracted, depressed, etc.
  
• Avoiding thinking about or discussing the trauma (a common reaction to a traumatic experience)
  
• Isolation
  
• Compulsive spending, eating, exercise
  
• Intrusive fantasy images or thoughts about the betrayal
  

Understanding Relationship, Sexual, and Intimate Betrayal as Trauma (PTSD)

[DbleBetrayal]

I've been able to edit these intrusions somewhat successfully as well the past couple of months. Anytime they intrude I just picture the AP wearing women's panties or bra or somehow being humiliated. It's to the point where it makes me laugh at him not be hurt by the image. My IC suggested this and it works well.

 

I tried doing this, but it doesn't work. My edited version involves me walking in on them and smashing her face in....it's the only edited version I find fleetingly satisfying.

 

No excuse for what your WH did...but his mother's behavior probably has some correlation to his decisions. In fact, I would bet on it. If her cheating broke up the family and changed his life forever, he probably deals with feelings of abandonment and rejection by the one person who was supposed to love him unconditionally...our moms are supposed to love us like that.

 

Just food for thought. I've been through similar to what you are describing. As gross as it sounds, it took a long time for ME to get the other woman out of our bed... as far as my thoughts went.

 

This has definitely crossed my mind plenty times. But than it makes me remember that, that's the way I used to think and feel when someone hurt me in anyway, it's due to this, it's because of that. Look where it got me. He needs to take full responsibility. I can't continue to let him pass the buck onto that any longer, I can't allow it for him or myself. He has to own it, the same way I do.

 

On a side note, for whatever the reason regardless of the fact his mother essentially broke his family up with her cheating, his relationship with his mother is still very very solid. It's his father he has issues with ironically. He's father moved on and re-married and lives quite happily. WH always hoped his folks get together again. His mother openly talks about how she regrets what happened. Though his grudge remains with his father. He re-married a woman with children his own age and feels that those children (now adult) have far more of a connection with his own father than he himself. Which perhaps it's true. But I refuse to use this a an excuse for doing what he did to me.

[Confused48]

To the OP,

 

Have you considered EMDR therapy? I'm just starting it myself. It is supposed to help with PTSD.

[DbleBetrayal]

You are suffering from a form of PTSD.

 

Understanding Relationship, Sexual, and Intimate Betrayal as Trauma (PTSD)

 

I always thought PTSD was something that people who've experienced military combat, physical assault, rape, car accidents etc. However many of those points do ring true. Something to look into, thanks.

 

 

To the OP,

 

Have you considered EMDR therapy? I'm just starting it myself. It is supposed to help with PTSD.

 

I have never heard of it, I'll look into it. I am willing to try anything to end the intrusions.

[Seachan]

Your mother sounds like she was very narcissistic. Did being raised by such a mother turn you into a codependent?

 

She *was* narcissistic. Mirrors all over the house and thousands of photos of her. Endless need for external validation.

 

I tried to "rescue" her for much of my childhood. To the point of distancing myself from my BS father. She was sweet and constantly trying to please him. He was angry. Thats all I saw as the kid. I didn't understand that she *caused* his rage. That's the tragedy. He probably stayed partly for my sake and yet because he seemed to trigger on me, we were estranged for decades.

 

At some point, I recognized the dysfunction and for the sake of self-survival, gave myself permission to disengage from both parents. Have worked hard on creating a healthier dynamic with my H and our kids. But, boy, that's painful and will probably be till the day I die.

 

Adultery is so far-reaching in its harm. So many casualties.

[Lion Heart]

 

I learned that I was letting the movie run, willingly. I learned I was doing that bc I was still in fear of a repeat of the past bad behavior of my WS. Letting the movie run is a way to protect yourself, to ensure you are hyper vigilant.

 

If you are no longer in danger, if you no longer need to be hyper vigilant, then try stopping the movie as soon as you realise it has started. Don't give yourself permission to let it roll. Unless it serves some purpose.

 

If we stay in any form of "marraige" with our WS then how do we EVER KNOW we are no longer in danger? I've had a horrible 6 weeks 3 days since D Day (when are those times ever good?). And after giving WS PLENTY OF opportunities to come clean I found he lied SINCE D Day about a critical thing: he gave the heads up to a woman I suspected he had an EA with. When I told him not to.

I am shaking with fear AGAIN!

I've got to start a thread.

I can't go thru this without expert help from LS.

Not coping at all today.

 

LH

[Confused48]

If we stay in any form of "marraige" with our WS then how do we EVER KNOW we are no longer in danger? I've had a horrible 6 weeks 3 days since D Day (when are those times ever good?). And after giving WS PLENTY OF opportunities to come clean I found he lied SINCE D Day about a critical thing: he gave the heads up to a woman I suspected he had an EA with. When I told him not to.

I am shaking with fear AGAIN!

I've got to start a thread.

I can't go thru this without expert help from LS.

Not coping at all today.

 

LH

 

It sounds like you have very strong reasons to be fearful. As do many that stay. Myself included.

 

I don't think this is the case for everyone though. Even in my case, I decided that I could be aware of the danger and protect myself without letting the movies roll. I have had some success in stopping them as soon as they start. Give it a try and also, watch your back.

[Spark1111]

I agree that mind movies are a way to maintain the hyper vigilance and are a sure sign that you still do not trust him, and you won't for a few years.

 

he needs to daily, consistently be remorseful and transparent and willing to reassure and LISTEN to all your pain. read to him the posting listed above, "What every WS needs to know."

 

It describes a BSs process of healing a what a WS needs to do to help you heal. Flog the dead horse if need be and he needs to patiently console and get to his why of it all.

 

I too passionately and sexually loved my H, but at a low point in his life, he crashed into an equally insecure and lonely woman who became attracted to him and started to flatter him and he lapped it up like a labrador retriever puppy.

 

So he f'd her because he could, wherever and whenever he wanted. Easy pickings.

 

A man will say anything to get laid easily and a lonely woman will construe that as love. She also finds it empowering, in a sad way, to land a man committed to another. She views it as proof that she must be special because of all he is risking for her.

 

An affair is hormone fueled AND intermittent reward. You can't be together whenever you want, so the anticipation causes tremendous build up of sexual attention.

 

PLUs, there is NO reality intruding. We don't pay bills, care for kids and parents, pland future goals. I can be whatever personna you need me to be and you can do the same for me...a true fantasy based on.....nothing REAL.

 

but the sex? Meh! Not so great. the passion and subsequent release are like the gropings of rebellious teenagers in the back of a car when Mommy or Daddy disapprove.

 

how can that possibly compare to a loving, passionate sexual encounter with someone you love and someone who loves you?

 

it can't. Put. Those mind movies to rest. They will destroy the sex life you deserve with your spouse. You hold the trump card: You bring confidence and initiative and imagination to the marital bed.

 

And as an aside, I say this not only as a fBS, but as the only and youngest daughter with many older brothers: A man is where he wants to be, period.

 

if he thought for one second she was a life.partner; would make his home and his life happier, he would be with her today, not you.

 

Same is true for women. She chose the best man.

 

don't let their stupid infidelity define you, your happiness, or rob you of your sexual and emotional happiness....

 

i know it hurts like hell, but embrace in your heart that it had very little to do with you and the sex cannot compare to mature, adult sex with a loving, intimate, knows-you-warts-and all and still loves you partner.

[Furious]

I know that there are betrayed wives on here who read over and over that we can get past the 'sex' part of the cheating/ affair- as long as there was no emotional ties. That we rarely, if ever, suffer triggers or 'mind movies' or whatever you want to call it. I'm sure I am not the only betrayed wife who are haunted and triggered by mind movies of what would have took place. I can't seem to get passed the mental torment, and I feel weird and odd about it- even guilty. Are there other BW's out here that feel the same torment- I mean the lies, manipulation and other garbage that goes with it are bad enough, but the sex part.... It's those physical images in my mind that trigger the whole thing, as they are interconnected with the lies and everything.

 

I mean to the point when WH and I, say, watch a movie together and a sex scene comes on, I even get triggered by that. Or even while having sex. It's that bad. I don't know what it is. How do other women cope with it- so I hear, so well. Or don't they really? They just don't talk about it? Or is it really water under the bridge for you?

 

 

 

Anyone can cheat...to be cheater is an email away or sext or text away. When you think about it, it's easier to be a cheater than it is be a non cheater.

 

To be a cheater requires little, it's a part time hobby with a twist of woe is me and self pity and a penchant for deceit.

 

Is that sexy...maybe...it depends on how "sexy" is interpreted. If "sexy" is attributed to secrecy, along with part time groove...you know that kind of groove that no one can keep going in a 24/7 kind of thing, the kind of thing that rejects everyday bodily functions and responsibility.

 

An affair is an escape from the mundane, in an affair, which is mostly sexting and texting with a dash to a motel hotel, is quite easy to maintain. In an affair, "she" becomes a goddess without stretch marks and a soccer mom and "he" becomes a man who may be taller than his hairline and can suck in his gut for an hour or two.

 

Please, do not allow the trampoline antics of part time loovers to steal away your sexuality. If anything, true sexuality and intimacy is far superior than what transpires between cheaters,

Edited January 29, 2015 by Furious

[GorillaTheater]

I've been able to edit these intrusions somewhat successfully as well the past couple of months. Anytime they intrude I just picture the AP wearing women's panties or bra or somehow being humiliated. It's to the point where it makes me laugh at him not be hurt by the image. My IC suggested this and it works well.

 

A guy I know had quite a bit of success dealing with the mind movies by picturing them in clown suits.

[DbleBetrayal]

I agree that mind movies are a way to maintain the hyper vigilance and are a sure sign that you still do not trust him, and you won't for a few years.

 

he needs to daily, consistently be remorseful and transparent and willing to reassure and LISTEN to all your pain. read to him the posting listed above, "What every WS needs to know."

 

It describes a BSs process of healing a what a WS needs to do to help you heal. Flog the dead horse if need be and he needs to patiently console and get to his why of it all.

 

I too passionately and sexually loved my H, but at a low point in his life, he crashed into an equally insecure and lonely woman who became attracted to him and started to flatter him and he lapped it up like a labrador retriever puppy.

 

So he f'd her because he could, wherever and whenever he wanted. Easy pickings.

 

A man will say anything to get laid easily and a lonely woman will construe that as love. She also finds it empowering, in a sad way, to land a man committed to another. She views it as proof that she must be special because of all he is risking for her.

 

An affair is hormone fueled AND intermittent reward. You can't be together whenever you want, so the anticipation causes tremendous build up of sexual attention.

 

PLUs, there is NO reality intruding. We don't pay bills, care for kids and parents, pland future goals. I can be whatever personna you need me to be and you can do the same for me...a true fantasy based on.....nothing REAL.

 

but the sex? Meh! Not so great. the passion and subsequent release are like the gropings of rebellious teenagers in the back of a car when Mommy or Daddy disapprove.

 

how can that possibly compare to a loving, passionate sexual encounter with someone you love and someone who loves you?

 

it can't. Put. Those mind movies to rest. They will destroy the sex life you deserve with your spouse. You hold the trump card: You bring confidence and initiative and imagination to the marital bed.

 

And as an aside, I say this not only as a fBS, but as the only and youngest daughter with many older brothers: A man is where he wants to be, period.

if he thought for one second she was a life.partner; would make his home and his life happier, he would be with her today, not you.

 

Same is true for women. She chose the best man.

 

don't let their stupid infidelity define you, your happiness, or rob you of your sexual and emotional happiness....

 

i know it hurts like hell, but embrace in your heart that it had very little to do with you and the sex cannot compare to mature, adult sex with a loving, intimate, knows-you-warts-and all and still loves you partner.

 

Thanks, most of the things you have said here have helped me. But I have to address the parts bolded which has also been brought up to me in some form by other BS's. That he 'chose' me. That had he wanted to be with the OW- he would have. In my case, I am not so sure of that at all. This is because the OW rejected HIM- not the other way around- for more sex. When the OW (who was my "best friend" might I add) rejected him because she told him she wasn't looking for hook ups and what she did was a huge mistake (the screwing)- she was looking for a stable man to have a real relationship with- not sneaky hooks ups with a man that was with her "best friend".

 

He actually pretty much said he'd leave me for her if that was the case. She actually told him "No. You love "insert my name" and you always have. Wake up." Only at that point did he back off and it ended. I didn't know any of his was going on, and by the time I found out, it'd been over for a long while. So the parts embolded in your post don't really apply to me. He got kicked to the kerb by the OW- which means I am/ was the back up plan.

[Spark1111]

Well then you will NEVER actually know and that is ambiguous misery.

 

I get it. i really do. and a double betrayal to boot! that IS the worst kind.

 

But could there be a kernel of truth to her words?

 

I believe yes there is....A woman knows. And she KNEW he loved you, that deceitful blankety-blank ex friend, I hope.

 

after DDAY, I gave my H carte blanche to be with his AP; promised to D amicably and fairly and VOWED to never interfere with his R with our children or say a bad word against her.

 

When REALITY gave him that choice, it was the LAST thing he wanted as the fantasy must have been much more potent and tantalizing then the REALITY of her, day in....day out.

 

it's how I wound up at LS, as no one was more confused than I at that point.

 

And he NEVER told her I gave him and HER that permission.

 

Why? he wanted the secret, rebellious fantasy.....not a REAL relationship with her!

 

What scenario would give you courage and confidence to move forward with YOU?

 

What would restore your confidence?

 

Only you can figure that out. Do it. Then TELL him what you need to do. And what he needs to do....

[Spark1111]

PS: It is TYPICAL AP reaction to tuck tail, duck and RUN on DDAY!

 

All of a sudden, consequences come home to roost and they do not want to get messed by any splashback at DDay...Get it?

 

These are NOT confident, mature creatures. They WANT to believe all the lies, engage in the affair, and BELIEVE they will never be discovered or taken to task for their actions.

 

RARE, very rare, is the AP who says, I did wrong and called the BS immediately to apologize for the error of our ways.

 

Never happens. It is a whole litany of, I'm tired of the hook up, I never meant to hurt her (laughable, that one...I know:rolleyes:) You won't commit. There are children who could be hurt. Finances won't work....a million excuses.

 

They can't run and distance themselves fast enough from being ACCOUNTABLE for their actions...Both of them.

 

Take everything they both say with a grain of salt and a handful of aspirin. STOP applying logic to two teenagers who were caught being selfish and will say and use anything that works to get you to back off, get diverted, and look the other way or at another.

[Spark1111]

If my H ever told me he would leave me for her, he'd be shown the door. I'd pack his suitcase for him because I would NEVER be anyone's default choice. i'd wish him well. Hell, I did!

 

Neither should you.

 

tell him you are a good lady who deserve a man who loves and cherishes you....who would NEVER cheat on you...and you intend to find that man.

 

Sorry, time to separate. It really is.

[DbleBetrayal]

If my H ever told me he would leave me for her, he'd be shown the door. I'd pack his suitcase for him because I would NEVER be anyone's default choice. i'd wish him well. Hell, I did!

 

Neither should you.

 

tell him you are a good lady who deserve a man who loves and cherishes you....who would NEVER cheat on you...and you intend to find that man.

 

Sorry, time to separate. It really is.

 

I did separate with him for over a year, 3 days after I found out. Too much pain to bear, wayyy too much. The entire time we were separated he was begging me to come back, saying he hasn't slept for days- he lost so much weight I could see bones in his face, his sister (who I'm close with) said he was going to a dark place. I was going through hell myself, I also still loved him, but was so enraged. You have no idea. I was messed up by it all, deeply messed up. I asked him why he told the OW he'd leave me, that's really f#%ked up. He insists that he didn't, and if he did he can't remember it. But hey can I believe it after what he did? However even if he never said that, she still kicked him to the kerb first- who knows what could have occurred if she hadn't. DDay was January 1st 2011. The EA began July 2010- the disgusting one night stand occurred the night of 6th August 2010 and all contact ended September 2010 (OW showed me emails/texts, she had a new relationship by September). So all this crap was nearly 5 years ago.

 

He has changed in every way so it's mindf$#k. But the betrayal is too much to bear. How can he ever redeem himself. He, I feel lives in fear I'll walk out on him at anytime, again. He asks if I hate him, asks if I still love him. He can sense I've changed, alot. It's tough. I see what a devoted father he is, and how well I am treated and how hard he tries. But hell, he f&^k up in huge way and it's done a number.

Edited January 30, 2015 by DbleBetrayal

[gettingstronger]

I totally get what you are saying- we are 2 years out and my husband has been great-he has refocused his priorities back to the family- is a wonderful father, attentive husband and a great provider- he has done so much work on himself-but.......yep, he cheated and betrayed me-

 

We have talked around and around- would I heal better without him- are we fighting a losing battle here- what is the right answer-

 

All I can say, is as long as the conversations are honest and you are both still in it-keep going- I do feel guilty sometimes that he could do all of this and then I could still say, thats it, I am done-but at the same time, he knows it and is willing to accept it-

 

It just sucks-when we watch stuff on TV that has infidelity in it, we both cringe- he says, they should show the honest aftermath-how you will regret it for the rest of your life, how it will always hang over you and no matter what you do, its there, diminishing what your life could have been-Affairs are glamorized on TV and in movies and I bet that if people really understood the long term damage they do, they would never start-but thats hindsight which is worth exactly nothing-

[Lion Heart]

Dblbetrayal & gettingstronger,

 

You are both in my thoughts xxxx. You both are in a possible future of my own. Though it's only 7w 3 days since my D Day.

I'm not sure if you can answer my questions but I'm gonna ask anyway.

 

If WH has done everything they can & you still feel the pain quite acutely of WH A, what are you going to do?

 

From your words I gather there is love still towards WH, is it entirely masked and overshadowed by the infidelity?

 

If so or if not, what have you done to move on so far?

 

Is the A defining your relationship?

 

Is the affair defining your life?

 

Do you feel unnaturally dependent on WH for any reason (s)?

 

Just would like to know.

 

In our first MC, the psych asked me why WH was still living with me. I said he wasn't, he'd already packed & left THEN came back, so he was merely a ghost of my husband. An imposter.

She responded that she thought I'd let him stay to "punish him". Yeah that felt both good and awful. Both honestly what I was doing on one level because I wanted him to suffer, yet hoping to see the deep remorse and regret for his actions so we could talk honestly and openly.

 

AS SOON AS I STOPPED EXPECTING those feelings in him and focussed on myself only, they came. Before I saw those feelings in WH, I knew my marriage was over. When I saw those feelings and heard authentic words, I knew we had a chance. It was a matter of 2-3 days for the switch to happen in him. His depressive state is not my doing, it is a natural consequence of a human being, with some form of conscience,

making a big mistake and regretting it's effect on his loved ones.

 

I'm determined not to let WH nor his A to define my mood, my outlook or MY ANYTHING from now on. I didn't do it so I'm not gonna wear it either. I wash my hands of it. Remember it happened but not give it an ounce of power.

I swear to myself to snatch, grab, form and think my power back. Ofcourse it's far easier said than done but this detachment IN PRACTISE will create a revived strength for my future either way. I'm doing all the physical things I can to separate and protect myself, my children and my assets. The mind movies plagued me for about 5 weeks but sh** they can pi** off too UNLESS they are useful to me.

 

Things have been excellent for days now (yeah I thought we'd need to be D and be with new partners before I felt this again).

But I'm utilising every tool I can find to push me real hard into my future self where the bullsh** that WH did is a faint memory. Already it feels like 2 years ago.

 

Yes I'm prepared for the triggers but I'm gonna "arm" myself then march head long into where the triggers are, tell them they're useless in my life and I've watched them wither and die.

I suggested we see a new movie together at the movies that has explicit sex scenes, you know the one. I may trigger then shoot the trigger and watch it die.

 

I intend on using my experience to benefit me! Every single horrible experience I overcome will empower me. I'm making VERY sure they do.

 

Lion Heart.

Edited February 5, 2015 by Lion Heart

[gettingstronger]

Hi Lion Heart-

 

We are a bit over 2 years past dday- most therapists say 3-5 years to recover- I did not believe that at first, but now I do- our marriage is not defined by the affair, but it does play a role- my relationship with my husband is of course tainted by his actions but on the day to day it is great- we get along, we laugh, we talk, we are really close- I am 100% honest with him and he knows that leaving is always an option (for him as well right?) but everyday we chose to be together and fight on for another day- every night before we go to bed, we always say, made it through another one and he kisses me, thanks me for loving him and then we hold each other until we fall asleep-when I no longer look forward to that, I know it will be time to go and I would be fine with that-you will get to the point when you start to feel stronger and better and your options become more clear-you will be in control of yourself and you will feel empowered by the new you-hurt yes, but empowered-

[jm2013]

Dblbetrayal & gettingstronger,

 

You are both in my thoughts xxxx. You both are in a possible future of my own. Though it's only 7w 3 days since my D Day.

I'm not sure if you can answer my questions but I'm gonna ask anyway.

 

If WH has done everything they can & you still feel the pain quite acutely of WH A, what are you going to do?

 

From your words I gather there is love still towards WH, is it entirely masked and overshadowed by the infidelity?

 

If so or if not, what have you done to move on so far?

 

Is the A defining your relationship?

 

Is the affair defining your life?

 

Do you feel unnaturally dependent on WH for any reason (s)?

 

Just would like to know.

 

In our first MC, the psych asked me why WH was still living with me. I said he wasn't, he'd already packed & left THEN came back, so he was merely a ghost of my husband. An imposter.

She responded that she thought I'd let him stay to "punish him". Yeah that felt both good and awful. Both honestly what I was doing on one level because I wanted him to suffer, yet hoping to see the deep remorse and regret for his actions so we could talk honestly and openly.

 

AS SOON AS I STOPPED EXPECTING those feelings in him and focussed on myself only, they came. Before I saw those feelings in WH, I knew my marriage was over. When I saw those feelings and heard authentic words, I knew we had a chance. It was a matter of 2-3 days for the switch to happen in him. His depressive state is not my doing, it is a natural consequence of a human being, with some form of conscience,

making a big mistake and regretting it's effect on his loved ones.

 

I'm determined not to let WH nor his A to define my mood, my outlook or MY ANYTHING from now on. I didn't do it so I'm not gonna wear it either. I wash my hands of it. Remember it happened but not give it an ounce of power.

I swear to myself to snatch, grab, form and think my power back. Ofcourse it's far easier said than done but this detachment IN PRACTISE will create a revived strength for my future either way. I'm doing all the physical things I can to separate and protect myself, my children and my assets. The mind movies plagued me for about 5 weeks but sh** they can pi** off too UNLESS they are useful to me.

 

Things have been excellent for days now (yeah I thought we'd need to be D and be with new partners before I felt this again).

But I'm utilising every tool I can find to push me real hard into my future self where the bullsh** that WH did is a faint memory. Already it feels like 2 years ago.

 

Yes I'm prepared for the triggers but I'm gonna "arm" myself then march head long into where the triggers are, tell them they're useless in my life and I've watched them wither and die.

I suggested we see a new movie together at the movies that has explicit sex scenes, you know the one. I may trigger then shoot the trigger and watch it die.

 

I intend on using my experience to benefit me! Every single horrible experience I overcome will empower me. I'm making VERY sure they do.

 

Lion Heart.

 

Lion Heart, I'm a guy but I did some of the same things. I worked on myself so much it opened me up to things I had forgotten about pre-affair. In essence, I think through this time of working on me and figuring myself out it helped me immensely overcome a co dependent feeling I had. I haven't felt better about myself since I was in my early 20's before I got together with my wife. Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let yourself live in a constant state of limbo. I am finding so many people are sitting on their hands afraid to make important decisions and have to stare the devil in the face each day. Reconciliation is I think one of the toughest things a BS will ever have to face if presented with that crap sandwich. Each situation and affair are different. Some may be easier to get over than others.

 

You are still pretty fresh at seven weeks and still have a lot to go to try and figure yourself out, your marriage and process it all. I was in a period of limbo for well over a year. I feel ecstatic that I was finally able to make a final decision in my own outcome. I know I have a long journey of crap ahead of me but just knowing what I'm going to do has alleviating a ton of stress.

[purplesorrow]

OP, thank you for posting this. I have thought about it a lot. I realized I put myself in the cliche that the emotional should bother me more. That was never really the case. Very early on, I realized his feelings or emotions towards her didn't really get to me. I mean, he loved me right? but he cheated so his expression of love didn't amount to a hill of beans. He said he never told her he loved her and she confirmed but it didn't matter to me.

I was and still am to a degree pissed about the sex! He was such a prude! Wouldn't try anything new, no new places. I knew his every move before he made it. (Really, thank goodness for bob!) He put me in a purity box and wouldn't let me out. He didn't want to view me that way. Madonna wh@re completely. But then he picks a prude for a side dish. So many emails asking if it will ever be more than missionary. That made me soooooo angry. And I still am and I now realize why he is so blah to me. Again thanks for this! Ready to move on to d and get my freak on.

Edited February 6, 2015 by purplesorrow

[DbleBetrayal]

Dblbetrayal & gettingstronger,

 

You are both in my thoughts xxxx. You both are in a possible future of my own. Though it's only 7w 3 days since my D Day.

I'm not sure if you can answer my questions but I'm gonna ask anyway.

 

If WH has done everything they can & you still feel the pain quite acutely of WH A, what are you going to do?

 

Take my mind off it by doing something else or thinking of something else. Sometimes I'm succesful, other times not. R can be a rollarcoaster..

 

From your words I gather there is love still towards WH, is it entirely masked and overshadowed by the infidelity?

 

Some days it can be, many times it's not.

 

If so or if not, what have you done to move on so far?

 

Doing and thinking of other things or people. Like my son. Moving houses. Keeping busy.

 

Is the A defining your relationship?

 

No, but it has changed it.

 

Is the affair defining your life?

 

No, though some days it feels so- if I let it. Like say, if I trigger over something bad that day.

 

Do you feel unnaturally dependent on WH for any reason (s)?

It's up and down, (like all the answers I've given so far, lol) some days I'm like "I could do well on my own if I decided to D one day" other times I think of my son being devastated, and how I'll miss WH.

 

 

Sorry for taking ages to respond, ironically, I was fearing revisiting this thread incase it sets me off anther few days.

[Selfish]

My husband was less bothered by the sex than he was about the deceitfulness and betrayal of it. He was thankful there were no ilys or romantic elements. I'm not saying the sex didn't bother him, it did. It just wasn't what he got hung up on. Does that make him less of a man? Absolutely not. we are all individuals and do not fit into one stereotype or another.