Any BW who don't fit into the BW cliche ? Re Sex

[dichotomy]

I'm going to try to explain it. It's both a comparison and a self-esteem issue I guess. I mean, we all know that certain risky situations can heightened a sexual experience, without being too graphic an example could be say doing it in a public place or even at a funeral- whatever. So to me, it doesn't take too much imagination to know that what he did, and with who and when and where it was (every aspect of the situation)- I am not naive- there must have been so much excitement and intensity there that I can almost guarantee anything I ever do with him will never match the level he's experienced with someone else. That's just way too messed up and irritating to even think about.

 

I think (men - women - BS's in general) can get into the comparison/self esteem issues over the affair sex. On this board there a several "categories" of this pain for BS's and this can include - the AP's body parts, age, looks, sexual acts given/received, x factor/connection, freedom from roles as spouse/parent/marriage, and of course what you seem to be indicating above - which is kind of the elicit or risky element which heightens sex in affairs. New strange and illicit/dangerous.

 

If this is the case (the illicitness of it ) I believe a couple of things - one its not "inherit" in the AP, that is it is the situation and not the person. Your not comparing yourself to AP but to the situation. If you get my drift. Recently, and out of the blue, my wife requested a mild form of exhibition sex (slightly public sex). It was hot, very hot. I am glad she opened herself up with me (finally) to share this fantasy. But I also realized she chose to create this situation with me - but it could have easier (and she said as much) with someone not her husband. She worried I would judge or question her on this desire and not just go with it. None the less it can be created on some level in a marriage with the right effort but it takes a step outside of the roles.

Edited January 26, 2015 by dichotomy

[badkarma2013]

Maybe counterproductive, but I NEVER got past it. Sooo much sex and betrayal. It got BETTER when I left though

 

 

*******************************************************************

 

I must say i have been enlightened as to the effects of the actual sex acts that took place with your WH in his A..and how devastating they were to a BW...

 

i have read Many articles how sex in a A,coupled with the lies and deceit, literally tears a BH to pieces..and Most i have talked to,written or read about, NEVER Recover....They may try R ...but almost none are sucessful..

 

However I never expected the affect (re the sex) with Re to the BW..

My flawed thinking was that most BWs wanted to know if the WH was "In Love" or had an emotional attachment with the OW....Sex was secondary..."or so I thought."

 

I still think BW s can forgive and R Much better than Bhs..But I have learned a great but well known lesson today...Infidelity is devastating and a soul crushing experiance to many BSs.

[the_artist_1970]

I know that there are betrayed wives on here who read over and over that we can get past the 'sex' part of the cheating/ affair- as long as there was no emotional ties. That we rarely, if ever, suffer triggers or 'mind movies' or whatever you want to call it. I'm sure I am not the only betrayed wife who are haunted and triggered by mind movies of what would have took place. I can't seem to get passed the mental torment, and I feel weird and odd about it- even guilty. Are there other BW's out here that feel the same torment- I mean the lies, manipulation and other garbage that goes with it are bad enough, but the sex part.... It's those physical images in my mind that trigger the whole thing, as they are interconnected with the lies and everything.

 

I mean to the point when WH and I, say, watch a movie together and a sex scene comes on, I even get triggered by that. Or even while having sex. It's that bad. I don't know what it is. How do other women cope with it- so I hear, so well. Or don't they really? They just don't talk about it? Or is it really water under the bridge for you?

 

I don't know how long it's been for you but I too struggled with understanding how a BS would be upset if their spouse was emotionally involved with someone else and didn't really care about the physical part of the A. For me, I was really baffled with how my DH could be physically involved with a woman and not care one ounce about her feelings. Not that he cared about mine while he was with her. On D-Day, my DH was so mad that the XOW was rude to me and he even told me that he would hurt her physically if she ever said anything to upset me ever again. He said he hated her and himself for what they did to me. My DH told me that he immediately wanted her to leave after he was finished and that made me cringe. He really wasn't emotionally invested in her at all. My DH have always had a LOT of passion in the sack. I have never been a person who could share my body with a man unless he was in 100% to me. I have never and will never understand FWB because I think of my body as so precious. When my DH shared his body with another woman it hurt me to the core. I have always believe that when you make love you touch the other person's soul. So yeah, I had a hard time.

 

But if your DH works really hard to regain your trust and the two of you work really hard to solidify your marriage in time the A will be just a "situation" that you two endured and overcame. The mind movies will go away. It takes time.

[jm2013]

Sorry for your pain dble. It's a pain I think sadly will always be there. I would almost think it would be worse for virgins. My wife and I both had other partners before marriage but since I loved her the sex with her AP bothered me a lot at first. Most of the time I hear "wild" affair sex. Sex is sex. It's either good, terrible or just meh. For me at least I think the love hurt worse than the sex. To actually imagine your spouse falling in love with and making love to another person will make the pits of anybody's stomach turn.

[the_artist_1970]

I'm going to try to explain it. It's both a comparison and a self-esteem issue I guess. I mean, we all know that certain risky situations can heightened a sexual experience, without being too graphic an example could be say doing it in a public place or even at a funeral- whatever. So to me, it doesn't take too much imagination to know that what he did, and with who and when and where it was (every aspect of the situation)- I am not naive- there must have been so much excitement and intensity there that I can almost guarantee anything I ever do with him will never match the level he's experienced with someone else. That's just way too messed up and irritating to even think about.

 

But what about the fact that you know your DH to the core as he does you. You know the curve of his body because you have studied it for years. You know that "spot" that drives him wild and he knows yours because you two have a history. There is no way another woman can come into my DH's life for a few months and know how to please my DH more than me. It's not humanly possible because I know that I know him and his body better than any other woman and he knows me as well. Unless you are withholding from your DH and not allowing yourself to fully explore his body and your sexuality no woman can give your DH what you are giving me. I don't believe for one second that a woman can touch my DH's soul the way I have; and touching his soul makes me a better lover any day than a woman who settles for the crumbs from him that OW put up with.

 

Explore your DH and take back your marriage and your intimacy. It's time to eject the XOW out of your marriage and especially your bedroom. She has no place there.

[badkarma2013]

I don't know how long it's been for you but I too struggled with understanding how a BS would be upset if their spouse was emotionally involved with someone else and didn't really care about the physical part of the A. For me, I was really baffled with how my DH could be physically involved with a woman and not care one ounce about her feelings. Not that he cared about mine while he was with her. On D-Day, my DH was so mad that the XOW was rude to me and he even told me that he would hurt her physically if she ever said anything to upset me ever again. He said he hated her and himself for what they did to me. My DH told me that he immediately wanted her to leave after he was finished and that made me cringe. He really wasn't emotionally invested in her at all. My DH have always had a LOT of passion in the sack. I have never been a person who could share my body with a man unless he was in 100% to me. I have never and will never understand FWB because I think of my body as so precious. When my DH shared his body with another woman it hurt me to the core. I have always believe that when you make love you touch the other person's soul. So yeah, I had a hard time.

 

But if your DH works really hard to regain your trust and the two of you work really hard to solidify your marriage in time the A will be just a "situation" that you two endured and overcame. The mind movies will go away. It takes time.

 

****************************************************************

 

Sorry to play the pessimist here...I could NEVER get over the acts and the massive Betrayal.....as Many here cannot.. maybe she can get over it...i doubt it..maybe..

 

Most Bhs will never forget the Acts the WW did with the OM...and most will have a damn hard time with forgiveness....

 

Again Some hurts can Never heal..and some lies and acts of betrayal will never be forgiven or forgotten

[HereNorThere]

The generalizations that men and women care differently about the emotional vs. physical aspects of an are just that... generalizations.

 

From what I've noticed, it's not just about gender, the personality type of the BS plays a major role. Some people are more relaxed, laissez-faire, type people who are better at letting go of injustices, and some people (myself included) have a more obsessive, neurotic type mind that doesn't let go until the wrongs have been righted. The problem is, some wrongs just simply cannot be made right again.

 

It comes down to this - If you want to let go, you have to actively let go. Meaning that you have to want to let go and actively push those thoughts out of your head. To a person with a more obsessive type personality, this feels like you are letting the other person win. It's hard to let go of something that has had some much significance in your life. For some, their pride simply won't allow it.

 

If you are serious about letting go, it's time to talk to a therapist that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, ocd and intrusive thoughts. It's a process that takes time, but it is possible. There are also lots of resources available online including

 

However, in my opinion, you haven't really made a case as to why it would be worth all of that. If you had children or something, maybe, but at this point, why settle? You have a whole life ahead of you and it's probably time to shed this dead weight. Trust me, the temporary pain of a break-up is going to hurt a lot less than staying with this guy. Personally, I'd just move on, but if you aren't going to leave, you should find a therapist that can help you.

[badkarma2013]

HereNorThere

Established Member

 

 

 

Join Date: Jun 2014

Posts: 449

The generalizations that men and women care differently about the emotional vs. physical aspects of an are just that... generalizations.

 

From what I've noticed, it's not just about gender, the personality type of the BS plays a major role. Some people are more relaxed, laissez-faire, type people who are better at letting go of injustices, and some people (myself included) have a more obsessive, neurotic type mind that doesn't let go until the wrongs have been righted. The problem is, some wrongs just simply cannot be made right again.

 

It comes down to this - If you want to let go, you have to actively let go. Meaning that you have to want to let go and actively push those thoughts out of your head. To a person with a more obsessive type personality, this feels like you are letting the other person win. It's hard to let go of something that has had some much significance in your life. For some, their pride simply won't allow it."

 

 

*****************************************************************

 

 

Well Said.....Im the obsessive guy who couldnot let it go, who everytime i looked at ,my WW after D-DAY i triggered...and almost had a panic attack...and i mean Everytime...I spent many days in sh*t holes (Beirut, Etc.) around the world and NONE of that affected me like D-DAY... Be that as it may...It hurt and then i got godda&n angry...and I knew i had to file for D or it would CONSUME me...

 

You stated it with wisdom.."some wrongs just simply cannot be made right again."

Edited January 26, 2015 by badkarma2013

[DbleBetrayal]

It's not a competition. He's with you. He chose you. You won. Remember that.

 

I know that this is suppose to make me feel better about it, but it doesn't really. Is this how other BW's see it? That they won because their husbands didn't leave them? That he 'chose' them not the OW in the end. Ugh, like it's some sort of sick game. Something about that annoys me. Is that really how it's coped with... You say it's not a competition, but then say I 'won'. What did I win really. A cheat who crossed so many boundaries that it continues to torment me. Who showed such huge amounts of disrespect that I'm still struggling with R continuously.

 

For me it isn't the sex but the build up- in my mind I kept thinking-how can a marriage compare to the excitement of an affair- it drove me mad-she would fly out to meet him on his business trips- I mean really, that must have been so exciting-the anticipation, a hotel room and expense account, no worries about kids, etc... how could our marriage ever measure up to that-

 

One night I was sobbing about it and my husband said- you know, at the time it was exciting and it really did boost my ego, but now when I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach, I have no positive thoughts at all about my affair, only guilt, remorse and a huge amount of shame-

 

Have you talked to your husband about it at all? What does he say?

 

Like you, those sorts of thoughts drive me mad . I have talked about it here and there, and just like your husband he says the exact same things. That he is ashamed of himself, disgusted etc etc. He wishes it never happened (it's hard to believe that though). After talking about it, and hearing him out- I do feel better for maybe a few days- a week- if I'm lucky longer. I can't keep bringing it up and talking about it every time I trigger because it can prologue the maddness. I just have to think it out most of the time. Talking it out can smooth things a bit, but most of the time it's just intensifies the bull5h1t and nothing more. What more can be said. He is doing nothing wrong, so at this point it's just me dealing with this mess in my mind that I can't seem to wrap my head around. Talking with him about it just seems to be flogging a deadhorse- it doesn't stop the insanity.

 

I can tell you one thing I learned in IC that helped. You can't control when or how often you will trigger and be thrown into a mind movie. You can control how long you let that movie run.

 

I learned that I was letting the movie run, willingly. I learned I was doing that bc I was still in fear of a repeat of the past bad behavior of my WS. Letting the movie run is a way to protect yourself, to ensure you are hyper vigilant.

 

If you are no longer in danger, if you no longer need to be hyper vigilant, then try stopping the movie as soon as you realise it has started. Don't give yourself permission to let it roll. Unless it serves some purpose.

 

This really helped clear a few things up about what's probably happening to me. Thanks. I believe I do let the mind movies and triggers consume me for longer than it should in a sub-conscience attempt to stay hyper vigilent. You're spot on.

 

*******************************************************************

However I never expected the affect (re the sex) with Re to the BW..

My flawed thinking was that most BWs wanted to know if the WH was "In Love" or had an emotional attachment with the OW....Sex was secondary..."or so I thought."

.

 

 

I believe what you will find is that many BW that R don't actually truly in their heart of hearts forgive and ever get passed it, they are merely quietly coping. I also believe that you assume this because BW's probably don't talk about it because as women, we just don't talk about sex as openly and bluntly. It should be 'personal'. It's easier to pretend that as long as the WH still loves the BW than the sex doesn't matter... cos ya know- us ladies aren't perverted like that, sex isn't everything.

 

It's bull. The sex part matters.

 

Those that say the sex means nothing, and they never think about- they are lying or perhaps going through menopause or something so they don't care about the sex . It seems such a taboo thing to talk about it that even my female psychologist wouldn't discuss the effects it has on me. The sex part of cheating- It's such a huge deal. Not only the triggers that come from it, it's the potential STD's and or unwanted pregnancies that could have occured. It's not just nothing. It's everything it represents. I mean, I have issues with what he experienced with her, but connected to that is also the downright disrespect in going that far. It's just something I can't so easily just sweep under the rug and say "welp, at least he loves me and there was no emotions". It's like saying "Oh well, he was a rotten unfaithful, manipulative lying wanker... but he still loves me and there was no emotions!"

 

 

From what I've noticed, it's not just about gender, the personality type of the BS plays a major role. Some people are more relaxed, laissez-faire, type people who are better at letting go of injustices, and some people (myself included) have a more obsessive, neurotic type mind that doesn't let go until the wrongs have been righted. The problem is, some wrongs just simply cannot be made right again.

 

If you are serious about letting go, it's time to talk to a therapist that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, ocd and intrusive thoughts. It's a process that takes time, but it is possible. There are also lots of resources available online including

 

However, in my opinion, you haven't really made a case as to why it would be worth all of that. If you had children or something, maybe, but at this point, why settle? You have a whole life ahead of you and it's probably time to shed this dead weight. Trust me, the temporary pain of a break-up is going to hurt a lot less than staying with this guy. Personally, I'd just move on, but if you aren't going to leave, you should find a therapist that can help you.

 

I didn't know how neurotic and obsessive I really was until this happened to me. There's alot of things I didn't know about myself until this happened though. I am staying because I do love him, which is what makes it so hard and we also have a little boy who isn't even in school yet, who loves his father. I would want to see a therapist, though the one I saw completely put me off them. She pretty much tried to help me to rug sweep better. I can do that on my own.

Edited January 26, 2015 by DbleBetrayal

[drifter777]

It's not a competition. He's with you. He chose you. You won. Remember that.

This doesn't make sense to me. If its not a competition then how can BW win?

 

There may have been things they did that you "can't match", but you and he have done things together that "they" couldn't match. If it was all that he wouldn't be reconciling. He, at some point, compared the relationship with her and the relationship with you and came to the conclusion that his relationship with you was preferable.

This made me feel a little "huh?" when I read it but didn't know why. After thinking about it its because this all seems to be about the BW being the second choice. Like "yeah, he had great, dangerous, exciting sex with OW but you guys have great sex too". And comparing the relationship like he's weighing the pro's and con's is also a disturbing image to me. Wasn't there vows involved about fidelity and all that? I guess I'm crapping all over your points but its nothing personal - I just don't understand your post.

[HereNorThere]

OP, referring to your past experience with a therapist, I too did not like the first therapist I saw, so I went to another one. The first guy was a real "Dr. Phil" type guy who kept trying to convince me that I needed to take up golf. I went to a few sessions before I decided to see a real psychiatrist that also does talk therapy. In other words, don't give up.

 

Another thing, there are therapist that do sessions online now. Google skype therapists and do your homework. Yup, they have an app for everything now.

[DbleBetrayal]

OP, referring to your past experience with a therapist, I too did not like the first therapist I saw, so I went to another one. The first guy was a real "Dr. Phil" type guy who kept trying to convince me that I needed to take up golf. I went to a few sessions before I decided to see a real psychiatrist that also does talk therapy. In other words, don't give up.

 

Another thing, there are therapist that do sessions online now. Google skype therapists and do your homework. Yup, they have an app for everything now.

 

Thanks, I'll look into online therapy, at least I can close the window if they suggest delving into my childhood to find out 'why I'm so upset' about it and go on to suggest 'concentrating on breathing exercises'. A bit beyond that hooha when considering the other day when WH and I were watching Jersey Boys The Movie and the song "Oh What a Night" comes on and I start triggering like a mofo. Those triggers sure as hell didn't stem from a kid who once kicked an orange at me when I was 7- or the way I breath.

Edited January 27, 2015 by DbleBetrayal

[HereNorThere]

Thanks, I'll look into online therapy, at least I can close the window if they suggest delving into my childhood to find out 'why I'm so upset' about it and go on to suggest 'concentrating on breathing exercises'. A bit beyond that hooha when considering the other day when WH and I were watching Jersey Boys The Movie and the song "Oh What a Night" comes on and I start triggering like a mofo. Those triggers sure as hell didn't stem from a kid who once kicked an orange at me when I was 7- or the way I breath.

 

 

I get what you're saying there and I'm not much for pop psychology, however, our personalities are a mixture of biological, psychological and sociological influences that make each of us unique. In order for a therapist to truly grasp who you are, you have to willing to be comfortable with a healthy amount of self-disclosure. Yes, this event happened to you and yes it was really horrible, but a therapist with proper training and experience can help you build healthier coping mechanisms for dealing with it and ultimately make your life experience better. It can be hard work, but I think it's worth it. I mean, it's either that or you sit around and torture yourself for the rest of your life. I think you and your child both deserve better than that.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know that there are betrayed wives on here who read over and over that we can get past the 'sex' part of the cheating/ affair- as long as there was no emotional ties. That we rarely, if ever, suffer triggers or 'mind movies' or whatever you want to call it. I'm sure I am not the only betrayed wife who are haunted and triggered by mind movies of what would have took place. I can't seem to get passed the mental torment, and I feel weird and odd about it- even guilty. Are there other BW's out here that feel the same torment- I mean the lies, manipulation and other garbage that goes with it are bad enough, but the sex part.... It's those physical images in my mind that trigger the whole thing, as they are interconnected with the lies and everything.

 

I mean to the point when WH and I, say, watch a movie together and a sex scene comes on, I even get triggered by that. Or even while having sex. It's that bad. I don't know what it is. How do other women cope with it- so I hear, so well. Or don't they really? They just don't talk about it? Or is it really water under the bridge for you?

 

The sex part is the brutal trigger for me too.

 

It has been a couple of years since it has triggered me.

 

But the grief was unbelievable and the mind movies pure torture.

 

I think the stereotypes are constructed largely by men who want to minimize the impact of their cheating on their wives, especially if they weren't "in love/ she meant nothing/ it was just sex"

 

But it is just as bad, if not worse for us.

I think it depends on the person's individual reaction instead of the gender.

[DbleBetrayal]

I get what you're saying there and I'm not much for pop psychology, however, our personalities are a mixture of biological, psychological and sociological influences that make each of us unique. In order for a therapist to truly grasp who you are, you have to willing to be comfortable with a healthy amount of self-disclosure. Yes, this event happened to you and yes it was really horrible, but a therapist with proper training and experience can help you build healthier coping mechanisms for dealing with it and ultimately make your life experience better. It can be hard work, but I think it's worth it. I mean, it's either that or you sit around and torture yourself for the rest of your life. I think you and your child both deserve better than that.

 

I'd really would like to find a therapist like that, I know that our personalities, biological, psychological and all that can be connected how we cope with certain things. I know they may have to rehash everything about me to see the right way to communicate with me or what not- but I felt like my therapist was trying to pin it on something that must of happened that wasn't directly connected to the problem at hand. I just want to say "Hey. Before this whole 'thing' ever happened I was quite well-rounded". I'm full willing to disclose anything and everything about me to a therapist if it helps- but getting off track for too long is really unhelpful. I was never a jealous, pessimistic suspicious type of person. Nothing has ever dragged me down this much. I could cope with everything that came my way no matter- and I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth or ever had things handed to me. I mean, information like what Confused48 had to say, that the reason why I'm obsessing with it maybe connected to trying to stay hyper vigilant in order to protect myself. Things like that are really helpful in the way I can understand that, "hey I'm actually not nuts- what happened really messed me up and the way I am coping might not be helpful, but this is why and this how it can be stopped".

 

I get were you're coming from. I'm willing to find a quack to help me get passed this for the benefit of all involved.

[gettingstronger]

Talking with him about it just seems to be flogging a deadhorse- it doesn't stop the insanity.

 

 

How far from dday are you? I am of the opinion, that the longer I hold the crazy in, the bigger it is when it comes out- we are 2 years out- I am at the point where I can speak calmly so discussing whatever is running through my mind really helps-

[jm2013]

I've been pondering something a lot lately. As BS's why on this earth have we learned to just take that foot long shi*t sandwich and stuff it right on in? Is it really love that binds us to our cheating spouses? Or do we stay because of the fear that aligns us to reconcile? For me I've at least been analyzing the relationship I had with my wife even before her affair. It sucked for the most part. Then she had an affair and things snapped back to this weird era of treating me like a king. I know a lot of you experienced this. I don't know about you all but I'm starting to get annoyed by it. Who really wants their spouse doing all this crap that is unnatural to try and woo their spouse back into the marriage?

[gettingstronger]

JM I have not experienced that at all- my husband has refocused on what he values (our life, the kids, working hard,etc) but we always got along and he always treated us well ( well, you know, to our faces) right after dday for a few weeks he was like a love sick puppy and I had to say, you know what- ick, thats not how we roll- I don't want all this sappy professions of love, I want a wholesale change in how you view your life-

 

But yes, I can imagine if he was still acting that way, it would drive me mad!

[elaine567]

I felt like my therapist was trying to pin it on something that must of happened that wasn't directly connected to the problem at hand. I just want to say "Hey. Before this whole 'thing' ever happened I was quite well-rounded". I'm full willing to disclose anything and everything about me to a therapist if it helps- but getting off track for too long is really unhelpful. I was never a jealous, pessimistic suspicious type of person. Nothing has ever dragged me down this much. I could cope with everything that came my way no matter- and I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth or ever had things handed to me. I mean, information like what Confused48 had to say, that the reason why I'm obsessing with it maybe connected to trying to stay hyper vigilant in order to protect myself. Things like that are really helpful in the way I can understand that, "hey I'm actually not nuts- what happened really messed me up and the way I am coping might not be helpful, but this is why and this how it can be stopped".

 

Your therapist needs to know whether your "well rounded" pre-DDay personality was founded on reality and you can cope eventually, or whether it was founded on a house of cards, which this trauma has exposed perhaps, cards that are tumbling down and you need a lot of help to get through it

Were your previous coping mechanisms adequate or were you just storing up trouble for the future, under the guise of "normality"?

Has this heart-ache, stirred emotions from the past, emotions long buried but affect how you cope with your life and how you view yourself and other people.

You need to understand yourself and where you are coming from, so that you can get past this and make good decisions in the future.

[the_artist_1970]

****************************************************************

 

Sorry to play the pessimist here...I could NEVER get over the acts and the massive Betrayal.....as Many here cannot.. maybe she can get over it...i doubt it..maybe..

 

Most Bhs will never forget the Acts the WW did with the OM...and most will have a damn hard time with forgiveness....

 

Again Some hurts can Never heal..and some lies and acts of betrayal will never be forgiven or forgotten

 

Well, to each its own. For me forgiveness feels good and being with my amazing DH feels equally good. Forgiveness isn't for everyone. I liberated myself when I forgave my DH and the XOW. It's a great feeling for me. I will never allow myself to be stuck in unforgiveness. It damages the person who doesn't forgive. If my DH cheats again, I will divorce him in a heartbeat but I will choose again to forgive and leave him knowingly that God blessed me with an amazing man for many years. Also knowing that he did more good than he did bad.

[badkarma2013]

Well, to each its own. For me forgiveness feels good and being with my amazing DH feels equally good. Forgiveness isn't for everyone. I liberated myself when I forgave my DH and the XOW. It's a great feeling for me. I will never allow myself to be stuck in unforgiveness. It damages the person who doesn't forgive. If my DH cheats again, I will divorce him in a heartbeat but I will choose again to forgive and leave him knowingly that God blessed me with an amazing man for many years. Also knowing that he did more good than he did bad.

 

 

*******************************************************************

I agree 100% ...as I have stated ..Every Religious Doctorine and Every Religion states ..We all MUST forgive the one who has wronged us...regardless of the offence ..WE all must forgive....

 

But NO WHERE does it say i must Reconcile with the person who wronged me,...

 

I forgave my WW and filed for Divorce immediately without hesitation ....

 

As you stated " I will never allow myself to be stuck in unforgiveness ."

 

I also choose not to live with someone who has Lied,Deceived and Betrayed me and the vows we took...not for one second...

Edited January 27, 2015 by badkarma2013

[Seachan]

Dbl, sorry or all your pain. I'm a 50+ yo woman processing the pain of my mother's infidelity and the subsequent rage and triggers that my dad experienced throughout my childhood.

 

There was finally peace for him when he apparently reached the "plain of lethal flatness" wrt her. At that point it was clear he no longer cared about her as his wife. They continued to be M, but their R was obviously dead.

 

My childhood was a wreck, my brother - the suspected son of the OM - is NPD. I wonder if we all would have had so much more peace if my dad had left her.

 

She was a charming mother, but the character flaw which led to her her cheating spilled over in her selfish manipulations of me and my brother. When she died, I had no tears to shed for her.

[drifter777]

Dbl, sorry or all your pain. I'm a 50+ yo woman processing the pain of my mother's infidelity and the subsequent rage and triggers that my dad experienced throughout my childhood.

 

There was finally peace for him when he apparently reached the "plain of lethal flatness" wrt her. At that point it was clear he no longer cared about her as his wife. They continued to be M, but their R was obviously dead.

 

My childhood was a wreck, my brother - the suspected son of the OM - is NPD. I wonder if we all would have had so much more peace if my dad had left her.

 

She was a charming mother, but the character flaw which led to her her cheating spilled over in her selfish manipulations of me and my brother. When she died, I had no tears to shed for her.

Your mother sounds like she was very narcissistic. Did being raised by such a mother turn you into a codependent?

[DbleBetrayal]

Your therapist needs to know whether your "well rounded" pre-DDay personality was founded on reality and you can cope eventually, or whether it was founded on a house of cards, which this trauma has exposed perhaps, cards that are tumbling down and you need a lot of help to get through it

Were your previous coping mechanisms adequate or were you just storing up trouble for the future, under the guise of "normality"?

Has this heart-ache, stirred emotions from the past, emotions long buried but affect how you cope with your life and how you view yourself and other people.

You need to understand yourself and where you are coming from, so that you can get past this and make good decisions in the future.

 

My reality before DDay was indeed founded on a house of cards. I know that 100% without a therapist telling me. Before D Day I was under the impression that all people are inherently good, even the ones that appeared not to be at first. My coping mechanism before 'that' happened in regards to anyone over stepping their boundaries with me in the past was "Perhaps they are having a bad day" or "Perhaps they have problems of their own" -, you know, "Hurt people hurt people"- "People like that need love the most, they don't need more pain". Even if they hurt me, and I've been hurt before just like anyone else who has to live life (but never to this extreme). I'd always assume it was unintentional, and their own problem and perhaps try to see the other side of the coin.

 

I was never made quite aware that actually most people are in it for themselves, and sadly no matter what the cost. I don't know why it took me so long to really understand that. That truth hit home hard. Now that this happened, the house of cards has truly blew over. Now it's "Screw your problems. You probably brang it on yourself and I could give a rats ar5e what happened or happens to you". - Before DDay I was a light hearted, open person who could have a laugh with anyone. Now it's "Is this person going to try to mess with me. Is this person who they appear to be, probably not. What sort of rabbits are they going to pull out of their hats." And this is directly related to what happened, not anything else in my past has brought home this realisation and I'm okay with that now. It's just the mind movies that plague me at this point and I need it to end.

[DbleBetrayal]

Dbl, sorry or all your pain. I'm a 50+ yo woman processing the pain of my mother's infidelity and the subsequent rage and triggers that my dad experienced throughout my childhood.

 

There was finally peace for him when he apparently reached the "plain of lethal flatness" wrt her. At that point it was clear he no longer cared about her as his wife. They continued to be M, but their R was obviously dead.

 

My childhood was a wreck, my brother - the suspected son of the OM - is NPD. I wonder if we all would have had so much more peace if my dad had left her.

 

She was a charming mother, but the character flaw which led to her her cheating spilled over in her selfish manipulations of me and my brother. When she died, I had no tears to shed for her.

 

I also had to witness my parents fight and split numerous times, it's awful. I never would I ever dream of fighting in front of my boy, and I don't fight or disrespect my husband even when he is not in sight. Screaming matches have never been a way of coping. If I have issues I'll think about it, pretty intensely though, or talk about it with him if I feel I have to. I keep the rage I feel away, far far away from the little one. I never feel pain when I am with my little guy anyway, he is the one thing that truly puts a smile on my face.

 

My WH's mother was the same way, cheated on his father and broke the whole family up. He still brings it up to this day.

Edited January 27, 2015 by DbleBetrayal