MM telling wife

[jbrent890]

Im sorry I haven't written, been going thru hell. My husband has been so hateful, telling everyone we know what ive done, verbally beating me. He did call MM wife . He spoke to her a minute before MM said my wife already knows then they cursed each other out. Mm told me he told W we only slept together once. Said he didnt have the heart to tell her. He said he told her the truth about everything else. When W asked him if he was going to call me or see me again he answered, I Can't answer that. He told her it was nothing she did. Just that hes always loved me and still does. He told me he just needs to do this delicately with her. He said he cant stay because he would be settling at this point and wants to spend life with me. If she never says get out, then he will tell her at that point. I asked how long do u think this will take he said I dont know. He shocked at her rreaction which has been very controlled. God , what a nightmare im going thru. Im so mentally wiped, I cant eat, I thank you all so much for your advice. Im am starting to see things a little differently from your responses. Thank you

 

Your husband reacting the way that he is is normal. You can't be upset at him for telling people. One of the things I find most Waywards do after d day is play the victim. OP, your biggest issue right now is your wavering. This is another thing I find a lot of Waywards do. It's not until they get divorce papers thrown in their faces when they actually want to make a decision. I'm sorry to say, but it's not fair to your husband to keep him on the hook like this. If you want to leave, then leave. If you want to stay, then you have to drop MM. You think the verbal abuse is bad now, your wavering is only going to make it worse. All you are doing is letting your husband know more and more that he is Plan B. That is the equivalent of gutting a BS. You can't sit around and wait for your MM to make a decision because he's not. If he wanted out, then why did he TT his wife the way that he did? You need to face it, he does not want his marriage to end. He is going to tell you what you want to hear to keep you on the hook. I'm going to give you the same advice, you have a BS that is working on his issues to try to save the marriage. I think that you should do the same. Yes, your husband might have been crappy, but he didn't cheat. You need to accept the fact that both of you failed the marriage. But both of you can build a stronger one. Your situation is nothing special. In fact, I have seen it plenty of times before. It doesn't happen often, but there are marriages that do survive this and come out stronger. But it only happens when both people work on the issues.

 

Again, this guy is not going to leave his wife. He is the standard MM who was in a good marriage and wanted to get something extra on the side. He told his wife a version of the truth because your husband found out. There is nothing more to it. If you keep wavering the way that you are, your husband will take matters into his own hands. Continue the way that you are going and you are going to be the only person in this situation that ends up with nothing. MM will still be in his marriage, your husband will get his divorce, and you are going to be stuck wondering why did you let all of this happen. It's game time and a decision needs to be made soon. Either fight for your marriage or end it.

Edited January 24, 2015 by jbrent890

[TG1]

Yes his kids will end up turning against him because he is having an affair with you and his kids will see you as nothing more than a home-wrecking slut who broke up their parents' marriage as well as breaking up their happy home

 

But also if you have kids with your husband, your kids will end up hating him but also your kids will in turn hate you for cheating on their father and they will hate him for home-wrecking their happy home

 

So it is a lose-lose situation for everyone when you think about it

[bathtub-row]

I'm so sorry, Farrah. Your husband is a butt and you need to just get out of that marriage. Unlike some here who think your MM is lying to you, I don't think he is. The truth is, as you know, it's very hard to hurt someone like that and then walk away. This is yet another reason why I tell people not to reveal an affair. Regardless, this can't be undone. Just do what you need to do. The rest will work itself out one way or another. This is not the time to be judgmental of your MM. Just let him do what he needs to do. Everyone of you are going thru hell right now. Give it time and let the dust settle. By then, you'll know what MM plans to do. As far as your marriage is concerned, I think it was over long before this drama came about. I wish you the best.

[TG1]

But the people who end up the most affected in all of this are your husband and your children and his wife and his children because your husband he can use this to take your children away from you if he hasn't done it yet he will do so soon enough and your children aren't going to want to have anything to do with you for quite a while because this affair has turned their lives upside down and your MM's wife she can use this to take his children away from him because if she hasn't done it yet she will and he will only have himself to blame for that

[jbrent890]

I'm so sorry, Farrah. Your husband is a butt and you need to just get out of that marriage. Unlike some here who think your MM is lying to you, I don't think he is. The truth is, as you know, it's very hard to hurt someone like that and then walk away. This is yet another reason why I tell people not to reveal an affair. Regardless, this can't be undone. Just do what you need to do. The rest will work itself out one way or another. This is not the time to be judgmental of your MM. Just let him do what he needs to do. Everyone of you are going thru hell right now. Give it time and let the dust settle. By then, you'll know what MM plans to do. As far as your marriage is concerned, I think it was over long before this drama came about. I wish you the best.

 

Another post that astounds me Bathtub. How exactly is her husband supposed to react? Is he supposed to give her flowers and a card that says thanks for cheating on me. The OP said it herself, initially her husband was working on his issues. She responded by still wavering in making a decision. Of course this guy is going to be resentful. To expect him not to be is ludacris to me. What she is doing is just as emotionally abusive as to what her husband is saying to her. But like all other Waywards, of course she is the victim. Your advice in waiting for MM to make decision is not pragmatic, in fact, it's only going to hurt the OP. Judging from you previous threads, you really do want to see the best in married men. This guy to me like most other married men who do this is a coward through and through. If he wanted out so bad, why doesn't he just leave? Obviously it's because his marriage ain't that bad, which has been stated multiple times over the course of this thread. I said it before and I will say it again, this ain't a fairy tell. This is the real world. This guy is not going to leave his wife and live happily ever after with OP. Even if he did, he still would not live happily ever after. Everybody in his life will hate him if they don't already. He is going to do whatever it takes to save face, which means staying in his marriage.

[TG1]

And you being the other woman doesn't help, you are the one who ends up hurt in all of this because if he chooses to stay in his marriage then you having an affair with him would have been for nothing but if he chooses to leave the marriage everyone in his life will hate him or turn against him and that is mainly in part because of you but at the same time you didn't twist his arm into having this affair he knew what he was doing the moment he first started having sex with you

 

But at the same time how do you expect your husband to react? His wife has been cheating on him for Lord knows how long and not to mention you guys have children together

 

Wedding vows, I mean seriously? Does anyone take wedding vows seriously nowadays I mean seriously? For better or worse, and you and your MM went against your marriage vows the moment you guys cheated on your respective significant others

 

And if both of your children end up hating you if his kids end up hating him and you then that is your own fault and if your kids end up hating you and him then it is your own fault again

[BurnedAndLost]

Her husband is reacting normally. I'm tired of people putting everything on the victim's shoulders. They are supposed to react with grace,''maturity", be pleasant when their world has been turned upside down by people who are showing none of that. It's almost as some people expect the BS to hand over their spouse with a smile on their face and thank them for the ride.

 

The OP and her MM especially are gaslighting their spouses. That is abuse and that is a fact and not up for debate.

 

OP are you sure you want to be with a man who is capable of such things? I mean, it's one thing to cheat. It's entirely to pretend you are reconciling just to continue your affair or leave them later. Both are much more cruel than up and leaving. that is common sense. I want you to think about that.

 

Sideying the people encouraging OP to stay in this clearly rotten situation in order to stick to their own agenda.pathetic.

[Mal78]

But the people who end up the most affected in all of this are your husband and your children and his wife and his children because your husband he can use this to take your children away from you if he hasn't done it yet he will do so soon enough and your children aren't going to want to have anything to do with you for quite a while because this affair has turned their lives upside down and your MM's wife she can use this to take his children away from him because if she hasn't done it yet she will and he will only have himself to blame for that

 

This is true, however this is "if" they are factoring the kids as a concern. This particular situation sounds like a complete mess/disaster and it will take one of these waywards to look beyond themselves to realize the significance of this mess that is created around them. My bet is on the WH. Although he is an a$$ for lying and continuing to lie to his BW he also is trying to protect her vs. Playing victim.

 

He is concerned about her feelings. The OP is concerned about the "abuse" at the mouth of her BH and that he is telling people what she did. Double standard as she feels justified in her actions because she is in love with her OM. Why would she care who knows? She is free now. Yet she is completely confused by her MM's BW reaction to the whole thing.

 

I'm sure the MM is also confused by his BS's reaction and it will take him down a few notches especially if he felt/painted her as the unsupportive spouse or didn't think she understood him. He will have a different perspective about her based on this (reaction).

 

Often in tragedy and/or disaster it can bring people closer or pull them apart. However when going through something so devastating it's when you can see many colors come out of a person and sometimes that allows you to realize how much that person means to them or the fact they are still willing to stick by you in their deepest hour. " If we can get through this we can get through anything".

 

OP, be careful what you are showing your MM. He knows your BS has a different reaction to the A than his BS. However *your* demeanor and reaction is different as well . You are prepared to jump out of the M with both feet. The whole truth is setting you free. You are confident in your decision and this might come of as cocky, arrogant and condescending. You won't except your BS's "abuse" because he is an a$$ and you are preparing to leave him anyways. This is the colors you are portraying in your darkest hours (or your BS) and your MM gets to see this and has to reflect if this is worth leaving his BS for. Would you expect the same from your MM? Were you hoping she would be a b*tch and he play victim to her "abuse"?

[BurnedAndLost]

Your MM is damaging his wife in ways that will probably take years of therapy to undo. And for what? To make things easier on himself? That is cowardly and again, emotional abuse.

I think you should focus on divorcing your husband and building a life for you and your kids separate from him. Think about if this is the type of man you want to spend your life with and if this is the type of man you want influencing your kids. If you're settled and he actually followed through with his promises, then great. If he didn't then you have gotten yourself out of a bad marriage and have the chance to grow for your next romantic partner.

[farrah5451]

I'm so sorry, Farrah. Your husband is a butt and you need to just get out of that marriage. Unlike some here who think your MM is lying to you, I don't think he is. The truth is, as you know, it's very hard to hurt someone like that and then walk away. This is yet another reason why I tell people not to reveal an affair. Regardless, this can't be undone. Just do what you need to do. The rest will work itself out one way or another. This is not the time to be judgmental of your MM. Just let him do what he needs to do. Everyone of you are going thru hell right now. Give it time and let the dust settle. By then, you'll know what MM plans to do. As far as your marriage is concerned, I think it was over long before this drama came about. I wish you the best.

 

Thank you:-)

[BurnedAndLost]

Thank you:-)

 

I'll. Keep you in my thoughts. I really hope you wake up because that is just so very sad.

[spookysonata]

Thank you:-)

Sure, skip past all the sensible advice to the one who tells you what you want to hear. Good luck.

[farrah5451]

Sure, skip past all the sensible advice to the one who tells you what you want to hear. Good luck.

 

Im actually taking everyone's advice to heart. Im seperating from my husband. Im not basing it on MM. Im to the point whatever happens, happens. I have to think for myself now.

I told MM we cant talk For a month until I figure things out. His son found out and hes going thru hell. Thanks again

[jbrent890]

Im actually taking everyone's advice to heart. Im seperating from my husband. Im not basing it on MM. Im to the point whatever happens, happens. I have to think for myself now.

I told MM we cant talk For a month until I figure things out. His son found out and hes going thru hell. Thanks again

 

So your husband has to wait another month for you to figure out what you want to do? Thats ridiculous. Do yourself and husband a favor and just divorce. And I can promise you this, now that his son knows, he is definitely not going to leave. Maybe his wife will divorce him after all even though he doesn't want it. So in essence, you are probably going to be his consolation prize.

[jellybean89]

I'm so sorry, Farrah. Your husband is a butt and you need to just get out of that marriage. Unlike some here who think your MM is lying to you, I don't think he is. The truth is, as you know, it's very hard to hurt someone like that and then walk away. This is yet another reason why I tell people not to reveal an affair. Regardless, this can't be undone. Just do what you need to do. The rest will work itself out one way or another. This is not the time to be judgmental of your MM. Just let him do what he needs to do. Everyone of you are going thru hell right now. Give it time and let the dust settle. By then, you'll know what MM plans to do. As far as your marriage is concerned, I think it was over long before this drama came about. I wish you the best.

 

are you kidding?

 

Her husband is a butt? For telling others that his wife has been having an affair? Does he not deserve to get support? Does he have to pretend that his wife isn't cheating? Does he not deserve to be angry and pissed???

 

Should he have just said "thanks for the info honey, I'll step aside so you can keep cheating, but don't worry about the kids or the finances or anything - I'll take care of those things so you have more free time to spend having sex with a married man. Is there anything I can get you to make this easier for you?"

 

seriously? He's being a BUTT? A betrayed spouse who is pissed off is a butt...so what is a cheating, lying wife?

[MJJean]

Im actually taking everyone's advice to heart. Im seperating from my husband. Im not basing it on MM. Im to the point whatever happens, happens. I have to think for myself now.

I told MM we cant talk For a month until I figure things out. His son found out and hes going thru hell. Thanks again

 

Don't feel too sorry for him. The "hell" he is in is a hell he chose. What did he think was going to happen when the affair came out? OF COURSE people other than the betrayed spouses were going to find out, including the kids, and he'd have to deal with the fallout. Again, what did he think was going to happen?

 

You both knew the risks you were taking when/if friends and family heard about the affair.

[bathtub-row]

Another post that astounds me Bathtub. How exactly is her husband supposed to react? Is he supposed to give her flowers and a card that says thanks for cheating on me. The OP said it herself, initially her husband was working on his issues. She responded by still wavering in making a decision. Of course this guy is going to be resentful. To expect him not to be is ludacris to me. What she is doing is just as emotionally abusive as to what her husband is saying to her. But like all other Waywards, of course she is the victim. Your advice in waiting for MM to make decision is not pragmatic, in fact, it's only going to hurt the OP. Judging from you previous threads, you really do want to see the best in married men. This guy to me like most other married men who do this is a coward through and through. If he wanted out so bad, why doesn't he just leave? Obviously it's because his marriage ain't that bad, which has been stated multiple times over the course of this thread. I said it before and I will say it again, this ain't a fairy tell. This is the real world. This guy is not going to leave his wife and live happily ever after with OP. Even if he did, he still would not live happily ever after. Everybody in his life will hate him if they don't already. He is going to do whatever it takes to save face, which means staying in his marriage.

 

You're welcome. I'm happy to astound. Yet again.

 

How is he supposed to act? How about just the general pissed off stuff and then maybe, just maybe, take a look at how he might've contributed to this mess. But, yeah, I never forget that an affair gives the BS license to ignore all that and they can now let "THE AFFAIR" take center stage.

 

Sorry I am never one to buy into someone "working on their issues". Human nature is such that what you see is what you get. He's currently back peddling in order to turn things around. After that, it will either be the same old thing, or it will be worse.

Edited January 26, 2015 by bathtub-row

[BurnedAndLost]

You're welcome. I'm happy to astound. Yet again.

 

How is he supposed to act? How about just the general pissed off stuff and then maybe, just maybe, take a look at how he might've contributed to this mess. But, yeah, I never forget that an affair gives the BS license to ignore all that and they can now let "THE AFFAIR" take center stage.

Her husband may have contributed partly to the issues in their marriage, but the decision to have an affair was on the OP alone and her husband has every right to feel angry. He is telling people she had an affair? So what? It's the truth. If someone doesn't want to be known for cheating, then they shouldn't cheat. Period. Stop trying to paint WS and APs as victims. In most cases the only victims are the cheaters spouses and children. When an affair happens, yes that issue becomes the biggest problem and naturally become center stage. Also, I almost never see people advocating BSes to ignore or minimize the issues they contributed to the marriage. Stop making things up

 

Sorry I am never one to buy into someone "working on their issues". Human nature is such that what you see is what you get. He's currently back peddling in order to turn things around. After that, it will either be the same old thing, or it will be worse.

So do you agree that cheaters and APs will always be broken and dishonest? I bet you don't. Nothing much to say to that. I think you can see where I'm going with that. Stop it with the double standards and hypocrisy

 

Responses are bolded.

[jbrent890]

You're welcome. I'm happy to astound. Yet again.

 

How is he supposed to act? How about just the general pissed off stuff and then maybe, just maybe, take a look at how he might've contributed to this mess. But, yeah, I never forget that an affair gives the BS license to ignore all that and they can now let "THE AFFAIR" take center stage.

 

Sorry I am never one to buy into someone "working on their issues". Human nature is such that what you see is what you get. He's currently back peddling in order to turn things around. After that, it will either be the same old thing, or it will be worse.

 

It amazes me that you are willing to see better in the MM then her BS. But let's apply "what you see is what you get" to this situation shall we. What we see is a man who was in a good marriage, betrayed his wife, betrayed his children, blew up his family, and is really doing nothing to comfort the OP. That sounds like a real prize to me. In this situation, the OP has exhibited poor coping skills, poor boundaries, and is willing to let her husband wait another month for a decision on what she wants to do. Yes, I'm seeing a lot right now and I'm sure her husband is to.

 

Now on to the other thing that you said. I don't care how bad of a spouse her husband was, he didn't hold a gun to her head and say go cheat on me. That decision was on her. If she wasn't happy in her marriage, she should divorced him. Instead she needed to try to find someone else before she made that leap. Your painting the OP and her MM as victims. They aren't, their the ones causing the pain.

[BurnedAndLost]

are you kidding?

 

Her husband is a butt? For telling others that his wife has been having an affair? Does he not deserve to get support? Does he have to pretend that his wife isn't cheating? Does he not deserve to be angry and pissed???

 

Should he have just said "thanks for the info honey, I'll step aside so you can keep cheating, but don't worry about the kids or the finances or anything - I'll take care of those things so you have more free time to spend having sex with a married man. Is there anything I can get you to make this easier for you?"

 

seriously? He's being a BUTT? A betrayed spouse who is pissed off is a butt...so what is a cheating, lying wife?

The victim of a terrible marriage that she had absolutely no hand in of course.:rolleyes:

[DKT3]

It amazes me that you are willing to see better in the MM then her BS. But let's apply "what you see is what you get" to this situation shall we. What we see is a man who was in a good marriage, betrayed his wife, betrayed his children, blew up his family, and is really doing nothing to comfort the OP. That sounds like a real prize to me. In this situation, the OP has exhibited poor coping skills, poor boundaries, and is willing to let her husband wait another month for a decision on what she wants to do. Yes, I'm seeing a lot right now and I'm sure her husband is to.

 

Now on to the other thing that you said. I don't care how bad of a spouse her husband was, he didn't hold a gun to her head and say go cheat on me. That decision was on her. If she wasn't happy in her marriage, she should divorced him. Instead she needed to try to find someone else before she made that leap. Your painting the OP and her MM as victims. They aren't, their the ones causing the pain.

Sometimes the time it takes to type the response is too much for the thought behind what your responding to.

[bathtub-row]

I haven't read all the responses to my comments but I can feel the distaste bleeding onto my laptop screen. Not a surprise. I get it -- you all disagree with me. It has been duly noted.

 

Look, I'm not an advocate of affairs, but I'm not an advocate of bad marriages, either. And I don't think that just because one person has an affair, it automatically makes the BS a victim. Neither am I an advocate of telling the BS spouse about an affair. The reason for that is because all the actual issues in the marriage get brushed under the rug and it becomes all about the affair, everyone gets needlessly hurt and you have this big, fat mess - just as what's happening in OP's life right now. My opinion is that if someone has an affair, they need to just get the heck out of their marriage. If a person is willing to risk their marriage to that extent, then there is obviously something very wrong and they need to stop kidding themselves about that. Aside from that, they broke their vow to that person. This is very serious stuff, so there must've been a very serious reason for doing it.

 

What I do believe quite firmly is that there are very few true victims in this world. Based on my own experience and observations, there are a LOT of ill-behaved people out there, a LOT of mentally unstable people, and a LOT of bad marriages. And, whether anyone likes to admit it or not, typically the person who has an affair is the one who has tried to make things work out. Again - just to clarify - I am not justifying or saying that their choice was the best one. I'm just saying this is often the case. Most of the time, when someone turns to an affair, their misery is so deep that they have lost all hope. This, of course, does not include the typical serial cheater, or abusers who love to cheat as a form of abuse. And, no, I do not think an affair, per se, is abuse. That argument has already been had numerous times on LS.

 

If a person was really and truly blindsided by an affair; i.e. they had NO IDEA that their marriage sucked, then that's very sad. I'm a firm believer in letting a person know that there's a problem and that it's serious enough that the marriage will end if it doesn't change. Most people can't help themselves, though, and aren't able to change or don't have the desire to. They like to call your bluff, thinking they've got you trapped. You have to admit that this is the general attitude in many marriages. This is my guess with OP's husband who made a really bad judgement call by telling everyone about his wife's affair. Shaming her is like saying that he did nothing wrong, that she is the Evil Empire, and he just found a grand way to retaliate against her. And it's my guess that this is common behavior for him. This is why I say he's a butt.

Edited January 26, 2015 by bathtub-row

[jbrent890]

I haven't read all the responses to my comments but I can feel the distaste bleeding onto my laptop screen. Not a surprise. I get it -- you all disagree with me. It has been duly noted.

 

Look, I'm not an advocate of affairs, but I'm not an advocate of bad marriages, either. And I don't think that just because one person has an affair, it automatically makes the BS a victim. Neither am I an advocate of telling the BS spouse about an affair. The reason for that is because all the actual issues in the marriage get brushed under the rug and it becomes all about the affair, everyone gets needlessly hurt and you have this big, fat mess - just as what's happening in OP's life right now. My opinion is that if someone has an affair, they need to just get the heck out of their marriage. If a person is willing to risk their marriage to that extent, then there is obviously something very wrong and they need to stop kidding themselves about that. Aside from that, they broke their vow to that person. This is very serious stuff, so there must've been a very serious reason for doing it.

 

What I do believe quite firmly is that there are very few true victims in this world. Based on my own experience and observations, there are a LOT of ill-behaved people out there, a LOT of mentally unstable people, and a LOT of bad marriages. And, whether anyone likes to admit it or not, typically the person who has an affair is the one who has tried to make things work out. Again - just to clarify - I am not justifying or saying that their choice was the best one. I'm just saying this is often the case. Most of the time, when someone turns to an affair, their misery is so deep that they have lost all hope. This, of course, does not include the typical serial cheater, or abusers who love to cheat as a form of abuse. And, no, I do not think an affair, per se, is abuse. That argument has already been had numerous times on LS.

 

If a person was really and truly blindsided by an affair; i.e. they had NO IDEA that their marriage sucked, then that's very sad. I'm a firm believer in letting a person know that there's a problem and that it's serious enough that the marriage will end if it doesn't change. Most people can't help themselves, though, and aren't able to change or don't have the desire to. They like to call your bluff, thinking they've got you trapped. You have to admit that this is the general attitude in many marriages. This is my guess with OP's husband who made a really bad judgement call by telling everyone about his wife's affair. Shaming her is like saying that he did nothing wrong, that she is the Evil Empire, and he just found a grand way to retaliate against her. And it's my guess that this is common behavior for him. This is why I say he's a butt.

 

Your posts are nothing but flawed logic after flawed logic. What about the people that were in good marriages but cheated anyway? You seem to be missing this point about the MM. It has been said multiple times that he was in a good marriage. Some people cheat because they want to. It has nothing to do with marriage. Also, if affairs are the result of bad marriages, then everybody in bad marriages would be cheating. Thankfully that's not the case. This entire diatribe as nicely worded as it was, is just a sweet way of painting the WS as the victim. "I tried to fix the issues, but you wouldn't change so I cheated on you." How childish does that sound? If you lost all hope then leave. If you approach affairs the way you are stating, then pretty much her cheating was a big FU to her husband. Again, childish. Lastly, do you honestly think you are able to truly fix the issues in a marriage if you don't confess to cheating? Nothing would piss me off more if my wife made me feel guilty about being a crappy husband, but here it is she did something that was equally as (if not more) bad and never owns up to it. If the R is done right, the issues in the marriage are addressed after the infidelity is addressed.

Edited January 26, 2015 by jbrent890

[bathtub-row]

Your posts are nothing but flawed logic after flawed logic. What about the people that were in good marriages but cheated anyway? You seem to be missing this point about the MM. It has been said multiple times that he was in a good marriage. Some people cheat because they want to. It has nothing to do with marriage. Also, if affairs are the result of bad marriages, then everybody in bad marriages would be cheating. Thankfully that's not the case. This entire diatribe as nicely worded as it was, is just a sweet way of painting the WS as the victim. "I tried to fix the issues, but you wouldn't change so I cheated on you." How childish does that sound? If you lost all hope then leave. If you approach affairs the way you are stating, then pretty much her cheating was a big FU to her husband. Again, childish.

 

Someone cheating just for the sake of cheating falls into the category of a serial cheater as far as I'm concerned, and I think I already addressed that. And you completely missed my point --- I said that there are very few true victims in this world.

 

What I'm actually saying is that the one who has the affair is usually hurting a great deal. I don't think it's a matter of being childish, worded in the way you word it. It's about a person being miserable and torn and not knowing which way to turn. If someone comes along at the time who makes the person feel better, then it's the perfect storm.

 

But, yeah, I understand what you're saying. I was in a lousy marriage, had a very, very tempting offer to cheat and I did not do it because I knew that no matter what a butt my husband was, he didn't deserve to be cheated on. But I did leave him after giving him a year to change his ridiculous ways. But, please note, that I'm not one of those people who will wander around for years in a bad relationship. I won't do that to myself but a lot of people do. And when they do that, bad things tend to happen.

 

Humans are very dangerous and unpredictable animals but you want to believe that they're all going to be of the same mind-set, operate from the same rules as the ones you believe in. But, they don't. When people are cornered or feel trapped, they will strike out. That's the truth, no matter how much you don't want it to be. Humans are seriously flawed when it comes to living by rules and laws. For the most part, those rules and laws keep order in our lives but to think that they're going to work or be adhered to all the time, or that if they're not adhered to, the person must be evil and screwed up, is pretty much flawed, also.

[farrah5451]

I haven't read all the responses to my comments but I can feel the distaste bleeding onto my laptop screen. Not a surprise. I get it -- you all disagree with me. It has been duly noted.

 

Look, I'm not an advocate of affairs, but I'm not an advocate of bad marriages, either. And I don't think that just because one person has an affair, it automatically makes the BS a victim. Neither am I an advocate of telling the BS spouse about an affair. The reason for that is because all the actual issues in the marriage get brushed under the rug and it becomes all about the affair, everyone gets needlessly hurt and you have this big, fat mess - just as what's happening in OP's life right now. My opinion is that if someone has an affair, they need to just get the heck out of their marriage. If a person is willing to risk their marriage to that extent, then there is obviously something very wrong and they need to stop kidding themselves about that. Aside from that, they broke their vow to that person. This is very serious stuff, so there must've been a very serious reason for doing it.

 

What I do believe quite firmly is that there are very few true victims in this world. Based on my own experience and observations, there are a LOT of ill-behaved people out there, a LOT of mentally unstable people, and a LOT of bad marriages. And, whether anyone likes to admit it or not, typically the person who has an affair is the one who has tried to make things work out. Again - just to clarify - I am not justifying or saying that their choice was the best one. I'm just saying this is often the case. Most of the time, when someone turns to an affair, their misery is so deep that they have lost all hope. This, of course, does not include the typical serial cheater, or abusers who love to cheat as a form of abuse. And, no, I do not think an affair, per se, is abuse. That argument has already been had numerous times on LS.

 

If a person was really and truly blindsided by an affair; i.e. they had NO IDEA that their marriage sucked, then that's very sad. I'm a firm believer in letting a person know that there's a problem and that it's serious enough that the marriage will end if it doesn't change. Most people can't help themselves, though, and aren't able to change or don't have the desire to. They like to call your bluff, thinking they've got you trapped. You have to admit that this is the general attitude in many marriages. This is my guess with OP's husband who made a really bad judgement call by telling everyone about his wife's affair. Shaming her is like saying that he did nothing wrong, that she is the Evil Empire, and he just found a grand way to retaliate against her. And it's my guess that this is common behavior for him. This is why I say he's a butt.

 

You get it! Thanks again