MM telling wife

[GirlStillStrong]

It could be both. From the sounds of it, many MM do not want to be viewed as the bad guy by others and leave the decision making up to their wives as to the state of their marriage....that is after the MM have all but imploded it with infidelity. That is an incredibly cowardly way of "including" a wife in the decisions regarding the relationship.

I'm sure no one wants to be viewed as the bad guy. I'm sure most people who want out of a marriage or other relationship would like to be let out without a bunch of drama and bother, but unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you're looking at it), that's just not how our society works. It is changing though. People, and especially women, attach less of their worth now to whether or not they are married or to their husbands, and are more open-minded about divorce. Not so 50 years ago, or even 25 years ago. A lot of people are just plain scared to let go or scared of change. People always revert to what is comfortable and familiar to them, even when the comfortable or familiar are harmful to them.

 

I think that in a lot of cases, cheating is just a symptom of much larger problem in a marriage, and in the case of men who cheat emotional attachment has a lot to do with it, especially after children come into the picture. All of the attention shifts from the relationship to the children, and men feel left out, detached, and used. To say they are all losers or *******s because they seek emotional attachment elsewhere is just judgmental and unfair IMO. If the BW finally gets her head out of her ass and wakes up to the fact that she has treated her WH poorly for too long, she may try to work on herself and fix that. Which was what he wanted in the first place. So why would he dump her when he is finally getting her to listen to him and work with him?

 

I understand completely everything you are saying about how you see these men, and you have every right to think and feel that way. I have thought and felt that way too, even very recently. But I've learned that it really just makes me feel worse and worse about the situation the longer I believe all that. I hope you see that what you are saying is really being judgmental, which never really gets anyone anywhere. I don't see how a man allowing his wife input on whether or not they dissolve the relationship is cowardly. I do see how it is very unhealthy and codependent to give someone else that much control over you or your life but that's just my opinion about marriage in general.

[GirlStillStrong]

Sorry Farrah, I did not mean to hijack your thread. Your situation is really helping me to put my situation into perspective and helping me to feel better than I have in a while. Thank you so much for posting and letting me post my ideas on your thread.

[anika99]

GirlStillStrong,

 

 

I think there is some truth to your theory of men only leaving the marriage or the affair when the woman forces him out. But I think that is only true for the type of men who have affairs, not all men in general. Men in long term affairs are usually pretty cowardly and self focussed human beings. They are narcissistic in getting their needs met. They want it all. They want everything the marriage has to offer and everything the affair has to offer. They do not care about the women they are hurting as much as they care about themselves and what they want. I've seen BW's on forums and in real life who do finally give up and tell their husbands to go if that's what they want only to watch their husbands do a complete 180 and start begging and pleading to stay. These guys do the very same thing to the OW. She gets to where she can't stand the pain anymore and when she tries to walk away the MM will say anything he needs to just to get her to continue the affair. Most MM are not waiting to be released from either the affair or the marriage, they are actively doing all they can to keep both because they are special and entitled and they deserve to have 2 women meeting his needs while both women are hurting because they only have half a man. If that's not being selfish entitled A**hole than I don't know what is.

 

 

Mature compassionate loving men do leave relationships on their own accord. I can think of about 6 men (4 married) in my real life who have left and at least 3 of them had partners who desperately wanted them to stay. But these men weren't cheaters and they didn't cheat their way out of the relationship. They were men.

[Sub]

All of the attention shifts from the relationship to the children, and men feel left out, detached, and used. To say they are all losers or *******s because they seek emotional attachment elsewhere is just judgmental and unfair IMO. If the BW finally gets her head out of her ass and wakes up to the fact that she has treated her WH poorly for too long, she may try to work on herself and fix that. Which was what he wanted in the first place. So why would he dump her when he is finally getting her to listen to him and work with him?

As a man, I can't disagree with this more. I've heard this line of reasoning time and time again on these boards and in real life, and it's such a cop-out in defense of entitled, emotionally immature men. This scenario can play out, yes. But a vast majority of men don't use cheating as a last resort when the attention they're used to getting is being shared with (god forbid) their children. They don't communicate the issues in a healthy way before wandering, unfortunately.

 

Plus, that's not the case here, per OP.

[DKT3]

I'm sure no one wants to be viewed as the bad guy. I'm sure most people who want out of a marriage or other relationship would like to be let out without a bunch of drama and bother, but unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you're looking at it), that's just not how our society works. It is changing though. People, and especially women, attach less of their worth now to whether or not they are married or to their husbands, and are more open-minded about divorce. Not so 50 years ago, or even 25 years ago. A lot of people are just plain scared to let go or scared of change. People always revert to what is comfortable and familiar to them, even when the comfortable or familiar are harmful to them.

 

I think that in a lot of cases, cheating is just a symptom of much larger problem in a marriage, and in the case of men who cheat emotional attachment has a lot to do with it, especially after children come into the picture. All of the attention shifts from the relationship to the children, and men feel left out, detached, and used. To say they are all losers or *******s because they seek emotional attachment elsewhere is just judgmental and unfair IMO. If the BW finally gets her head out of her ass and wakes up to the fact that she has treated her WH poorly for too long, she may try to work on herself and fix that. Which was what he wanted in the first place. So why would he dump her when he is finally getting her to listen to him and work with him?

 

I understand completely everything you are saying about how you see these men, and you have every right to think and feel that way. I have thought and felt that way too, even very recently. But I've learned that it really just makes me feel worse and worse about the situation the longer I believe all that. I hope you see that what you are saying is really being judgmental, which never really gets anyone anywhere. I don't see how a man allowing his wife input on whether or not they dissolve the relationship is cowardly. I do see how it is very unhealthy and codependent to give someone else that much control over you or your life but that's just my opinion about marriage in general.

 

Marriages don't have affair, people in marriages do. Cheating is a symptom of a persons bad boundaries, one with poor coping skills.

Edited January 22, 2015 by DKT3

[whichwayisup]

Well he told, everything. He also told her he is in love with me. That hes always loved me. But hes staying. She was so in the dark. He thinks its just a matter of time now because she knows hes in love with me. Things will not be the same. He told me he loves me and to trust his words that he will never say goodbye to me, now that she knows its just a matter of time. Its like he was hoping she would tbrow him out. I can understand it but I am a little dissapointed. I told him looks like we wont be together ever. He got upset that I said that. He said she needs to process it. He cried on pbone told me he loves me to death. I cant blame hkm its hard, I did the same thing with my husband. Looks like we are on the way to seperation. Please tell me what you guys think?

 

Bolded: You have no real proof that he actually told her that. If he really told her that he was in love with another woman, she would have kicked him out of the house. Told him to pack his bags and GO be with the woman he loves. Why did he choose to stay? He's playing you big time. Not sure how you can trust the word of a man who's lied and betrayed his wife by having an affair with you. IF wanted to leave, he would!

[waterwoman]

I don't even begin to understand his reasoning. He has hurt his undeserving wife (from what you have said) immeasurably by confessing to something that he has no real intention of ending. IF he had said 'I am in love with her but I ending it and will work on being present in our marriage' and actually DID so, there might be some merit in what he has done. And then his wife could make some sort of informed decision on whether to forgive and move forward with him or without him. As it is he has lied and she is going to get another big dose of pain further down the line. Whyy Because he is scared of being the bad guy?

 

He isn't compassionate, he's a cowardly ****!

[waterwoman]

I think that in a lot of cases, cheating is just a symptom of much larger problem in a marriage, and in the case of men who cheat emotional attachment has a lot to do with it, especially after children come into the picture. All of the attention shifts from the relationship to the children, and men feel left out, detached, and used.

 

I think this is the worst kind of selfishness. In most cases two people decide to have children. They should both be equally devoted to their children. THere is only small window of time when children need so much of their parents' attention and fathers who choose to spend that precious time sulking because they are temporarily not number one need to sort themselves out! If anyone should feel 'used' it should be the parent who is being obliged to be everything to their children because the other parent is nursing their wounded pride and feeling sorry for themselves.

[anika99]

I'm sure no one wants to be viewed as the bad guy. I'm sure most people who want out of a marriage or other relationship would like to be let out without a bunch of drama and bother, but unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you're looking at it), that's just not how our society works. It is changing though. People, and especially women, attach less of their worth now to whether or not they are married or to their husbands, and are more open-minded about divorce. Not so 50 years ago, or even 25 years ago. A lot of people are just plain scared to let go or scared of change. People always revert to what is comfortable and familiar to them, even when the comfortable or familiar are harmful to them.

 

I think that in a lot of cases, cheating is just a symptom of much larger problem in a marriage, and in the case of men who cheat emotional attachment has a lot to do with it, especially after children come into the picture. All of the attention shifts from the relationship to the children, and men feel left out, detached, and used. To say they are all losers or *******s because they seek emotional attachment elsewhere is just judgmental and unfair IMO. If the BW finally gets her head out of her ass and wakes up to the fact that she has treated her WH poorly for too long, she may try to work on herself and fix that. Which was what he wanted in the first place. So why would he dump her when he is finally getting her to listen to him and work with him?

 

 

Again there is some kernel of truth to this as some men do get into affairs as a way to get attention from their wives. He will lap up all the attention his OW gives him but when his wife takes notice and starts paying attention to him then the OW becomes less important in his life because love and affection from his wife is what he was really looking for along. Still a sad situation for the OW.

 

I understand completely everything you are saying about how you see these men, and you have every right to think and feel that way. I have thought and felt that way too, even very recently. But I've learned that it really just makes me feel worse and worse about the situation the longer I believe all that. I hope you see that what you are saying is really being judgmental, which never really gets anyone anywhere. I don't see how a man allowing his wife input on whether or not they dissolve the relationship is cowardly. I do see how it is very unhealthy and codependent to give someone else that much control over you or your life but that's just my opinion about marriage in general.

 

 

I don't understand when people say we should never make judgements. I agree that we don't get to determine how other people should live or decide the fate of others but for the most part when people are called judgemental they are just giving an opinion. And every single one of us make judgement calls every single day. It's how we shape ourselves and how we create the lives that we want. If I couldn't make judgements then I guess I'd have to jump in the sack with whomever physically appeals to me. Doesn't matter if they deal drugs, steal and abuse people because Hey, I can't judge people. We would all just settle for whatever and whomever comes along without any standards or expectations. I have been mentally and physically attracted to several married men and some very attractive married men have made it known to me that they would like to have something special with me. So far it has never happened and that's because I do judge married men. No matter how wonderful I may think a married man is as soon as I see that he's willing to cheat my opinion of him changes and I no longer see him the same.

 

 

"don't judge people" sounds nice but the people who most use this phrase are usually involved in something they know they shouldn't be and the "don't judge" statement is made in defensiveness. Often the people who say don't be judgemental are the most judgemental people I know. You yourself made a sweeping judgement against BW's in your above post. Not all BW's have cheating husbands because they were neglecting their marriage. I have had friends who have been cheated on and in both cases they were the ones trying the hardest in their marriages. Their husbands took them for granted, left them to take care of all the responsibilities while they did whatever they wanted.

[farrah5451]

Bolded: You have no real proof that he actually told her that. If he really told her that he was in love with another woman, she would have kicked him out of the house. Told him to pack his bags and GO be with the woman he loves. Why did he choose to stay? He's playing you big time. Not sure how you can trust the word of a man who's lied and betrayed his wife by having an affair with you. IF wanted to leave, he would!

 

She was devastated. It was too much all at once. Well if im being played, we shall soon see.

[farrah5451]

Sorry Farrah, I did not mean to hijack your thread. Your situation is really helping me to put my situation into perspective and helping me to feel better than I have in a while. Thank you so much for posting and letting me post my ideas on your thread.

 

Thank you for your advice, I feel you get him. Not every MM is the same. You're awesome!

[Furious]

 

My MM, for 8 months now ,has been having an A with me. We have known each other since I was 18. We are deeply in love.

 

Im also M. I had a DDay 2days ago. My H saw our text messages.

 

 

Its been really rough, here at home. We're probably going to seperate,

 

Now MM says he's going to tell his wife tomorrow because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me .

He doesn't want to live a lie it's not fair to her. He is in love with me.

 

I'm afraid that his kids will hate him( they're older teenagers) his in-laws will hate him also. He will lose some his friends, his whole life will be turned upside down and then maybe he'll regret it one day.

 

I mentioned this to him and he said that he'll have me and he won't regret it . That's a lot of pressure .

 

Does anyone else have any similar experiences like this or feelings like this ,that have been through this? Would you share what happened ? There's just so many obstacles it makes me nervous if we're going to make it . But I do love him so much and that keeps me happy.

 

An eight month affair, d-day and your OM has no choice but to go into damage control and tell his wife before your husband decides to inform her.

 

I'm not surprised that he has now claimed to have told her he loves you but won't leave her just yet. If something doesn't make sense it's because there are too many holes in his story.

 

My guess would be that he has admitted to only an emotional flirtation with and portraying your husband as a controlling jealous type and making this bigger than it is, and that he's sorry for just being friendly with an old friend from the past.

 

I think he's keeping you from the truth because he's afraid you might go to his wife with proof. By telling you he has told his wife he "loves" you is to stall you from doing anything that he cannot control and it gives him time until he can figure out how to slowly let you down and appear to be sincere in your eyes.

 

I believe you and his wife are both being lied to. Sorry, but this how I see it.

[awkward]

OP you have received a lot of great advice in this thread.

 

I think you should deal with the facts of your marriage. IF MM he told his wife anything, it could be because your husband found out. However, what he told her and what he told you he told her are most likely very different things.

 

Since you think it is up to his wife, you could call her and ask her what her intentions are. But be forewarned, she probably has zero knowledge of the affair. She only knows what her husband has told her, if anything.

 

I think you should be firm with your husband and leave your marriage. You should also leave the MM as the odds of him leaving his wife at this point are so high, I don't see the risk vs. reward in your favor.

Edited January 22, 2015 by awkward

[jbrent890]

An eight month affair, d-day and your OM has no choice but to go into damage control and tell his wife before your husband decides to inform her.

 

I'm not surprised that he has now claimed to have told her he loves you but won't leave her just yet. If something doesn't make sense it's because there are too many holes in his story.

 

My guess would be that he has admitted to only an emotional flirtation with and portraying your husband as a controlling jealous type and making this bigger than it is, and that he's sorry for just being friendly with an old friend from the past.

 

I think he's keeping you from the truth because he's afraid you might go to his wife with proof. By telling you he has told his wife he "loves" you is to stall you from doing anything that he cannot control and it gives him time until he can figure out how to slowly let you down and appear to be sincere in your eyes.

 

I believe you and his wife are both being lied to. Sorry, but this how I see it.

 

This is exactly what I think happened. I even guarantee he threw the OP under the bus when he confessed. And surprise surprise, the BW did not kick him out. OP, you really want to believe thay this guy is different, trust me he isn't. If he loved you so much, then why isn't with you now? Why isn't he talking to divorce lawyers? This guy was never going to leave his wife for you. You said your husbad is willing to take you back. You need to jump on that opportunity.

[MissBee]

He cares about his wife, I think it was too much all at once. Hes a very compassionate person. So I get it.

 

I still don't understand how it is compassionate for him to still have an affair with you and expect her to throw him out....

 

You didn't really respond to the other parts, but have you thought about what will happen if she doesn't throw him out?Does he just plan to increase passive aggressive or offensive behaviors until she can no longer stand it? If so, that's not very compassionate.

 

If she never throws him out, thus he never leaves, what do you plan on doing for yourself?

[awkward]

I still don't understand how it is compassionate for him to still have an affair with you and expect her to throw him out....

 

You didn't really respond to the other parts, but have you thought about what will happen if she doesn't throw him out?Does he just plan to increase passive aggressive or offensive behaviors until she can no longer stand it? If so, that's not very compassionate.

 

If she never throws him out, thus he never leaves, what do you plan on doing for yourself?

 

It doesn't make any sense either. Because he "told" his wife he wouldn't speak to the OP again. That doesn't make sense if he wants his wife to throw him out. Why keep hiding the OP?

[pteromom]

She was devestated but he said I made it like I wouldn't be talkjng to you anymore. But thats not gonna happen .

 

This should be a big ol' red flag to you.

 

He is lying to his wife, who he admittedly loves and has lived with for 20 years, so what makes you think everything he is saying to you is the truth?

 

If she catches him talking to you, he's going to tell her "I was just saying goodbye - I needed closure."

 

And he is likely professing his love to her and making promises and crying and apologizing - otherwise, she wouldn't be asking him to stay.

 

Doesn't sound like a man who wants out. If he wanted out, he'd be out.

 

He just wants to keep you hanging on.

 

You should just tell him that if he leaves, he knows where to find you, and quit talking to him.

[bathtub-row]

This makes some sense, but it runs contradictory to what the OP is saying. There's compassion in him telling her the truth about what's going on. I think it ends there, though. According to farrah, he's going to keep the lies up so he can continue the A, in hopes that his W makes the big decision in the end. His "compassion" includes making her believe he's focusing on this huge event in their lives, being there for her while she goes through this pain. But he's just exacerbating that pain by giving the impression they have a chance to survive it, IMO.

 

I agree with you there. And, on top of that, he's mistaken if he thinks his wife is going to kick him out.

[CALOVELY]

OP, at this point you are making so many excuses for this guy that he could light her on fire and you would say he was just trying to keep her warm. You are determined to be with him. Fine. Know this though, if this is how he treats the woman he took vows with, pledged his life with and is the mother of his children, do you think you will be treated any differently when things go south? Good luck and I wish you well.

[Mal78]

So what do I do? He wants to continue seeing and talking to me until he leaves. Should I wait for two weeks then end it? Im upset because we really are in love, its not bull. Whats the wife gonna do now? He said she wanted to see what I looked like. Will she become more affectionate, angry as days go by? I wonder. ; but I realize this has to play out between them.

 

They will talk, he will tell her what has been lacking in their relationship. Most likely she will *hyper attach* herself to him especially if he told her he is in love with another women (which I doubt he full blown exposed, perhaps dropped hints and told trickle truths about the A).

 

She will up her game. He will feel guilty and will be sensitive to her feelings (of course, you aren't in an A with a heartless A$$ are you?). He will console her and lie to her about where the A is at emotionally/physically (or he is lying to you about these things but surely he is lying to both of you and himself).

 

During this he is going to realize so many things especially that his wife is willing to accept, forgive and R. Something he didn't expect nor anticipate. This will then shine a new, profound light on her. Here is this women whom he once loved and share a life with and he somehow lost sight of her.

 

It is not totally unheard of for a WH to drop his WW for the OW. But that's just it, he just "drops" her. He chooses to disconnect emotionally to not bare her emotional turmoil during the process of separation then D. They certainly don't stay and calm the waters prior to D. If it's in fact truly on the table then an immediate exit is usually the best solution. Hotel, family, friends... whatever. Most likely they are going to work on it.

 

Now, perhaps you come back here in a month and say.... "I told you so, we are together now and couldn't be happier" I will definitely offer a congrats. Then offer my well wishes to your BS's for peace and healing.

 

I believe it is a testament to true love where one's emotional support lies. Swingers will say that their #1 rule in their lifestyle is "never get emotional". They believe it's a betrayal/A on their marriage when it becomes an EA. Yet they have sex with other people.

 

You, his lover is in a devastating emotional state, so is his wife. The man made his choice.

[gettingstronger]

I think every dday is different- I know for me, I did not hyper attach, I did not ask what I could do better, I didn't suddenly change for him-

Here is how it went down-

 

I felt like he had the perfect set up with her- she was willing to meet him on the road where he spends lots of his time- I was unwilling to travel with him because of our kids, she had no problem leaving her kids to be with him- I told him he could leave if he wanted, no strings attached, no outing him to the kids, no exposing him at work or in our community, no holding the kids from him, no taking him to the cleaners financially BUT if he wanted to stay it meant he needed to see her in person to cut it off (she declined but has intruded regularly since so my idea that it would help her heal was wrong) and live up to his responsibilities as a husband (I was not the one that needed to change, I held up my end of the bargain, he was the one that failed) -

 

He did not even flinch, he did not want to leave, he wanted to refocus his priorities and be the man he knew he should have been all along- he was/is thankful for the chance to redeem himself not only in my eyes but in his own-

 

I am unsure what your MM is doing right now- I just know that the idea that men stay because BS cry and freak out and need their lying, cheating husbands to help them through this crisis is not 100% accurate- I mean, seriously- if you are destroyed why would you lean on the person that destroyed you unless they make a promise to change- the idea that she is so weak that she needs her husband who loves someone else and has no intention of staying with her to help her heal is crazy-

I doubt she has any idea of the bull he is feeding you-

 

Re-read your posts and ask yourself- if your best friend was telling you this story, would you believe it?

[GirlStillStrong]

The most immature, cowardly and least compassionate way to break up with another person is to progressively be more and more of a jerk to the person to get the person to break up with you. If what MM told the OP is true, he is a total coward and unbelievably cruel. He plans to make his wife's life a living hell, rub her face in the affair, keep cheating on her, keep lying to her until she finally hits rock bottom and leaves him. Why the OP would ever want to be with a guy like this is baffling to me.

 

This is why, IMO, when a person tells you they want to leave, it is best to let them go.

[Be_Strong]

Farrah,

Some questions for you.

 

Does your husband know your MM, or is he a complete stranger to him?

 

Was there any possibility at all that your husband would confront MM or MM's wife?

 

The reason I ask is because as others have alluded to here, your MM may have told his wife about the affair as a form of damage control. Better he tells her and controls the narrative than to have her find out from somebody else.

 

If there was no possibility of MM's wife finding out about the affair (not realistic), his motivation for telling her was likely the following: When there is a D-day for the OW, the MM faces a huge risk that the OW will call off the affair, go no contact, and try to reconcile with her husband. The risk was particularly great here because MM knew that your husband was trying to reconcile. So this was a pivotal moment for the MM when he knew he could possibly lose his AP (whether he actually loves you or sees you as a sex toy, ego booster or play thing, he doesn't like to lose you). One of the best moves he can make is to demonstrate some act of great commitment to you, to keep you from being swayed back into your marriage. That act in this case was telling his wife about the affair. But don't misinterpret what that means. His preferred situation is cake eating. He wants to stay married and wants to keep you. So he'll do everything in his power to keep that scenario alive. If he senses he's about to lose you, he'll do something drastic to pull you back in. If he senses he's about to lose his wife, he'll do something drastic to keep her.

 

It's your responsibility to ensure that you don't get played and force him to make a clear cut choice--either you or his wife. Don't get strung along and let him keep you and his wife in limbo. The absolute best thing you could do for yourself (and ironically for him too) is to tell him that you will have absolutely zero contact with him unless and until he can say "the divorce is final" and show you the court order. That will have him moving in whatever direction he wants to go as quickly as possible and without hesitation.

[GirlStillStrong]

As a man, I can't disagree with this more. I've heard this line of reasoning time and time again on these boards and in real life, and it's such a cop-out in defense of entitled, emotionally immature men. This scenario can play out, yes. But a vast majority of men don't use cheating as a last resort when the attention they're used to getting is being shared with (god forbid) their children. They don't communicate the issues in a healthy way before wandering, unfortunately.

 

Plus, that's not the case here, per OP.

Sorry but most of the men I have known are emotionally immature. Some compete with children instead of parenting them, some use them as pawns, and worse. No one is defending all men who cheat and the idea that men cheat because they are seeking emotional attachment is propounded as a cause of marital discord and affairs, not as an excuse or defense. Anyway, most men I have known are selfish and immature, and I believe this is true about men in general because i have heard it over and over and over from women from all walks of life. Married women always say how they have "two toddlers and an extra child."

[MissBee]

It doesn't make any sense either. Because he "told" his wife he wouldn't speak to the OP again. That doesn't make sense if he wants his wife to throw him out. Why keep hiding the OP?

 

Good point!

 

OP, if he wants to leave and wants her to kick him out, why is he pretending like he is no longer involved with you? What would be the goal of that if in the end he's going to leave?

 

Let's say he is trying to be compassionate, he's missed the mark and going about ending his relationship in a totally misguided way. NOTHING he is doing is softening the blow...he's just lying further and then putting the emotional burden on her to end things and giving her hope that things can be worked on.

 

If he knows he will leave no matter what he's only hurting her further by stringing her along and pretending that it's not the case or by not being the decisive one to talk through what will happen. I get that she does need time to overcome the shock, hopefully he opens the conversation again about where things are going (or not going) instead of just staying and hoping she kicks him out.