Cheater ex-husband sent gift. Why???

[sandylee1]

I'm in a very similar situation (on the male side).

 

But a couple of things about your situation strike me here. Firstly, NC after a 27 year long marriage, especially when there are children involved, is plain stupid. It just isn't going to happen. Period.

 

I suspect your marriage was like mine - good in many ways and on many levels, but had issues for your husband (and maybe you as well) that no amount of denial, or brainwashing, or counselling could get around. But because there was a lot of "good" in it as well, your ex wants to acknowledge that.

 

I wouldn't read anything into the gifts. Accept that your ex wants to be a friend, but not a romantic life partner. The time you had together was valuable to both of you on some level. Now it's time for a new phase of life. Emotions are never clear cut. It is what it is.

 

If it were just a marital breakdown I would understand the gifts. However when you cheat and say such nasty things, I really don't understand the gifts. May I'm not that forgiving, but if my H said he never loved me and the rest of the hurtful stuff said in this case, he would NOT be a friend of mine.

 

I'd communicate as necessary for the kids and no more. No birthday, Christmas or other gifts.

[TashaTudor]

Crossroads66,

 

I can tell you that I have successfully maintained nc since last May. Only absolutely necessary information is exchanged via adult children who both support my no contact.

 

If this was a marriage breakdown, I would still keep friendly contact. Spousal betrayal is a very tough thing for a woman to recover from. Betrayal without an apology, flaunting and taunting your wife of so many years, showing absolutely no remorse is good reason to slam the door shut on this sub-human.

 

Many husband have affairs, and alot of them admit wrong doing and sometimes the couple can move on in a civil manner. In my case, to this day, there has been no apology, to me or the children.

 

Coming back to my original question...why?

 

The gift may have been a peace offering? Idk.

 

Until, I get a humble, sincere apology, with signs of real remorse, when that paramour is out of his life, then maybe I would consider some civil contact. Maybe.

 

If not, the brick wall stays up.

[Crossroads66]

Crossroads66,

 

I can tell you that I have successfully maintained nc since last May. Only absolutely necessary information is exchanged via adult children who both support my no contact.

 

If this was a marriage breakdown, I would still keep friendly contact. Spousal betrayal is a very tough thing for a woman to recover from. Betrayal without an apology, flaunting and taunting your wife of so many years, showing absolutely no remorse is good reason to slam the door shut on this sub-human.

 

Many husband have affairs, and alot of them admit wrong doing and sometimes the couple can move on in a civil manner. In my case, to this day, there has been no apology, to me or the children.

 

Coming back to my original question...why?

 

The gift may have been a peace offering? Idk.

 

Until, I get a humble, sincere apology, with signs of real remorse, when that paramour is out of his life, then maybe I would consider some civil contact. Maybe.

 

If not, the brick wall stays up.

And that is absolutely your right, and if that it what it takes for you to be true to yourself, then so be it. Absolutely.

 

I'm just trying to shed some light on your ex husband's actions. He also needs to know his marriage wasn't worthless, that it wasn't all time wasted, and he's trying to validate that by showing you small gestures of affection. He's saying "Hey. I wish a whole lot of things could have been different, but here we are. It's important to me to acknowledge who you were in my life." Hence the gift(s).

[Hope Shimmers]

And that is absolutely your right, and if that it what it takes for you to be true to yourself, then so be it. Absolutely.

 

I'm just trying to shed some light on your ex husband's actions. He also needs to know his marriage wasn't worthless, that it wasn't all time wasted, and he's trying to validate that by showing you small gestures of affection. He's saying "Hey. I wish a whole lot of things could have been different, but here we are. It's important to me to acknowledge who you were in my life." Hence the gift(s).

 

I don't agree with this. I think he's fishing. (With the gifts).

 

I admire you hugely OP. You are clearly strong and don't need this louse of a man in your life. You're better off. And, I think your ex-H realizes this, and he also has had a dose of real life with his AP and now has a new perspective on what he chose to give up.

 

Too little, too late for him. You clearly deserve so much better than a man like that.

[TashaTudor]

And that is absolutely your right, and if that it what it takes for you to be true to yourself, then so be it. Absolutely.

 

I'm just trying to shed some light on your ex husband's actions. He also needs to know his marriage wasn't worthless, that it wasn't all time wasted, and he's trying to validate that by showing you small gestures of affection. He's saying "Hey. I wish a whole lot of things could have been different, but here we are. It's important to me to acknowledge who you were in my life." Hence the gift(s).

 

Thank you for trying to "shed light".

 

I want very much for him to know that it was a worthless 27 years. He waisted my time and mis-led me and our children. No one is interested in his condescending "acknowledgement".

 

I think it's weird when a cheater wants to keep contact with people they couldn't wait to get away from. I don't want any association with him...he's filthy and tainted and most of all WEIRD.

[TashaTudor]

I don't agree with this. I think he's fishing. (With the gifts).

 

I admire you hugely OP. You are clearly strong and don't need this louse of a man in your life. You're better off. And, I think your ex-H realizes this, and he also has had a dose of real life with his AP and now has a new perspective on what he chose to give up.

 

Too little, too late for him. You clearly deserve so much better than a man like that.

 

Thanks!

 

I wasn't always this way. I was pretty pathetic when this particular affair was discovered. I pled for the sake of my children, but he was adamant about being with his new mistress. I finally decided I had to cut this man loose.

 

He told me that he wanted to be on good terms after and that we would all realize one-day that it was "sheer genius" to split.

 

Little did he realize that I was planning to remove him surgically and go completely no contact. I've gone into nc with all of his friends and family also. Even though they are innocent. ..too bad. They've been dumped.

 

I believe once people cross so many boundaries with you and hurt you to your core , somehow someway you will gather yourself and reclaim your dignity.