Author TashaTudor Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 It's a very nice watch. I asked my daughter if she'd like to have it. She said "No Mom. Just keep it. He probably just wanted to do something nice for you." How to get rid of it is not the big issue. I am continually shocked by this man. The absolute nerve of him to send gifts now. I think the deafening silence on my end thru NC has caught his attention. I think many dumpers feel that dumpees will somehow stay connected. When you dump a person ....its final. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 It's a very nice watch. I asked my daughter if she'd like to have it. She said "No Mom. Just keep it. He probably just wanted to do something nice for you." How to get rid of it is not the big issue. I am continually shocked by this man. The absolute nerve of him to send gifts now. I think the deafening silence on my end thru NC has caught his attention. I think many dumpers feel that dumpees will somehow stay connected. When you dump a person ....its final. I would be tempted to send them back with a simple note that said "Please do not send me any more gifts." And then let that be it. If you keep them, it's like you approve in some way of him doing it. And I have no doubt based on his method of delivery and leaving the price tag on, etc., that he's only doing it for himself, his guilt, to appear like the "good guy" and to keep you on some kind of possible Plan B leash more than anything else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I think the deafening silence on my end thru NC has caught his attention. I think many dumpers feel that dumpees will somehow stay connected. When you dump a person ....its final. I completely agree with this. My xWW, like two months before she got remarried, got her panties in a twist because I didn't want to go to our daughter's parent teacher conference with her. I declined and went on my own. She texted something snarky about how she knows I don't want to see her again but that I basically need to get over it when I rebuked her, and I ignored it. Didn't even bother replying. The last time I saw her after that when she dropped off my daughter she was blushing like hell and didn't seem to like the fact my girlfriend was there. Lol For months in 2013 she kept a picture book filled with our wedding pictures in our daughter's school backpack. I never once commented on it and kept it in there. I had already thrown out every picture of her I had, what was I going to do with those? The funny thing is, she took no pictures with her when she left me.. she had to have gotten them reprinted. Crazy, right? I think a lot of people who cheat feel that the BS will always love them no matter what. Our actions indicate the opposite, which bruises their egos and knocks them off kilter. We move on, just like they do, only they don't want us to. They don't want us to feel for somebody else what THEY feel for somebody else. Narcissism... all the way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 You could return the gifts for cash and put the money into an emergency fund for you or your child(ren). I also like the donate the gifts to charity option, but I'd return them for cash first and then donate the cash to a women's shelter. Some of those women are there because of men like your ex. Fitting his money should go to helping them. Those ladies don't need an expensive watch, but the cash could do a world of good. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TashaTudor Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 I agree with you toolforgrowth! My ex is a salesperson and he would use the expression "the ball is in his court, let's see what he does", when negotiating. He serving a gift to my court is an attempt to get a response or a temperature reading, so to speak. The best to frustrate this narcissist is to let it drop with a dull thud as I've said before. No one is here to return your serve. Narcissists want to still have you dangling and waiting for them to grant you 2 minutes of their time. The minute you respond, they get a boost thinking, "I still got her!" Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I think you would be better off returning them to him or donating them and returning the receipt with a note saying "Please do not send gifts to me, thank you." You need to show him that you have no interest in receiving his gifts, money or anything else that doesn't involve your daughter. You can send the note and receipt back by your daughter. He is definitely doing this because he feels guilty and also to show your daughter he is trying to be a good guy. Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Exactly! You're 100% correct in your actions and your thinking. I also think that they remember the apathy they felt for us and get freaked out when they beginto realize that we are experiencing the same apathy towards them. They can stop loving us but we can't stop loving them. Didn't you get the memo?? Lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TashaTudor Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 Again, thank you toolforgrowth! I was beginning to think that my reasoning was off or something. A narcissist freaks out when they look back and see nothing but a ghost town. They abandon you but yet want you to available for whatever they throw your way. Im not playing that game. If he is sorry, then man up and sincerely apologize. To this day, I've had no admission of wrong doing, no apology. Unbelievable. Gifts? Seriously? Please. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 With all due respect Purepony, what conversation do we need to have. I asked if we could talk it over and get counseling. He told me he was not interest in anything like that. He said he was finally happy and free and in love And would continue his affair. He told me to "move on with your life" . What did he fail to tell me in the nearly three decades of knowing me? He made himself clear. I was replaced. His mistress/gf is the one who completes him. All I can do is now is respect the man's wishes, and depart from his presence. No contact is the only way to go. Listen, I know why you feel that way but I have got to speak up here. You were NOT replaced. You cannot be replaced and I wish you would stop thinking that way. What he did has NOTHING to do with you. He made decisions over the course of his lifetime, some good, some bad, but clearly HE made them about and for himself and his own life. I know you were married and what he has done is not the way marriage is supposed to be, but NO marriage is going to meet the ideal. I am not condoning what he has done, but people are FAR from perfect. They change. They want to try new things. They feel trapped sometimes and need to break out. These things are NOT a reflection on you and have nothing to do with you. You are taking it personally and that is just not good for you. Anyway, there's my two cents. As for the gifts, if they are things you like and enjoy, then use them without attaching any meaning to them. It simply does not matter why he is sending them. If you do not like or want them, return them and exchange for cash or for something you DO like and can enjoy. Forget about him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Again, thank you toolforgrowth! I was beginning to think that my reasoning was off or something. A narcissist freaks out when they look back and see nothing but a ghost town. They abandon you but yet want you to available for whatever they throw your way. Im not playing that game. If he is sorry, then man up and sincerely apologize. To this day, I've had no admission of wrong doing, no apology. Unbelievable. Gifts? Seriously? Please. They abandon you but expect you to still be there when it suits them. My xWW actually did apologize after her AP dumped her. She told me how ashamed she was, etc. I told her it didn't matter to me and that it changes nothing...thatwe were no longer a family and I didn't think it was appropriate for us to behave as if we still were. And that we all needed to accept that, including our daughter. She didn't have much to say about that. Lol You are absolutely right about not playing his game. It's hard to compete with someonewho doesn't even bother to show up to the match. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TashaTudor Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 At least your wife had the guts to admit wrong doing. I tell you all, no contact is THE best way of dealing with ex dumpers. Besides, allowing the dumpee to heal and take back personal power, It causes the cheating dumper to re-examine their behavior. If NC causes dumper to self reflect and say " could I have handled this better or did I have to betray my spouse? " ...then it is useful method for dumpee. I know as a betrayed spouse, nc has been the one "move" I've been able to use to regain my dignity. And if my absence provokes thought or causes my ex cheater to suddenly grow a conscience then great. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I am not sure what his reasoning is. In my particular situation I still take my children and buy their mom birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas gifts. When they give the gift to their mother, however, they give the gift with their own names on it not as though it were from me. So, I let them pick it out and pay for it but it is from them. Men sometimes give gifts to try and ease their own guilt. The only person who really knows is your ex-husband. Hope all goes well for you. Blessings! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TashaTudor Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 Both kids were unaware of the gift. It was wrapped labeled from him to me. No card or note. If a person is feeling guilty, then what is so difficult about saying you're sorry so that everyone can just let it go an move on without angst or weirdness? Thanks Goblue. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Would him saying I'm sorry after all he's done to your family suffice? I can't see how it would but I am not you. Are you going to give them back? Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Both kids were unaware of the gift. It was wrapped labeled from him to me. No card or note. If a person is feeling guilty, then what is so difficult about saying you're sorry so that everyone can just let it go an move on without angst or weirdness? Thanks Goblue. People can go entire lifetimes and not allow themselves to be conscious of the messed up things they do. It doesn't make sense to you because it is so obvious to you, so why doesn't he see it? But you are reading into his motives and it is taking up precious space, time, and energy that you could be devoting to non-toxic, fun, expansive thoughts and activities. You are letting this guy who is NOT WORTH IT take up space in your head. How long are you going to let him be in your head, rent free? If you really need to know the answer, why don't you just call him and ask him? But when he gives you his answer, don't analyze it or try to put your own spin on it, but accept it as HIS TRUTH, regardless of whether it makes sense to you. Link to post Share on other sites
WreckedDan Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 (edited) My ex took my daughter shopping for a Christmas gift for me. It was just a shirt, probably only 10 dollars, but it felt awkward recieving it. I was still with my girlfriend at the time and she also took my daughter shopping to get me something. I think that once someone has a significant other then that sorta becones their job. But maybe since he is with soneone and you (I assume) are not he feels like he should continue out of guilt, responsibility, habit? Honestly, just don't even respond. Take it and enjoy it. I love my shirt, and I enjoyed equally the look on my cheating ex's face when I didn't return the favor. That being said, had my daughter asked me to take her shopping for her mother, I would not hesitate to do so, but I would make it very clear that it was a gift from her and no way from me... like piggy bank money (which I would replace when she wasn't around). To sum it up, don't put a lot of weight into why or what your ex does, it just stirs up all those old thoughts and spins out of control. Put it in your mind that the dumb ass is now out a bit of money, you got something new and your kid can take credit all smiles! Hug, WD Edited January 23, 2015 by WreckedDan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TashaTudor Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 Thanks WD. Gifts, breadcrumbs, and contact are all ways that we can get sucked back into the loop. Thankfully, I am putting this horrible chapter of my life away. I've started a wonderful new job and I am re-building myself piece by piece. That gift was just another distraction, static, that came up. I choose to now put it behind and move onwards. Building and strengthing ME. We're all going to make it past this. Only uphill from here...for all of us! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I think because you stuck around for his previous affairs, he sees you as someone who will always be there. Please don't feel replaced. Your not an inanimate object and he seems like he is very immature with his choice of words and cruelty. I like the ignore option. Or if it were me, I'd swap the names round and send the gift back to him. I favor ignoring though. That is more effective. On another note. Realise that you don't need him in your life. Do things for yourself and try to move on and start meeting new people. I can't imagine how he'd react if you started dating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TashaTudor Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 Thanks Sandlee1. Verbal cruelty was his speciality. I was the permanent fixture, always there guarding my post, old reliable. Behind my back either having an affair or prepping a new one. This last affair he stole the wife of his friend. They're still together and very happy that they have FINALLY found happiness together. He said that they want to show the world what happiness really looks like. I guess their mission is to educate the rest of us. As for dating, if I am lucky enough ...I hope. Kinda scared to get out there again....but I hope one-day I'll get the chance to be with someone who understands devotion. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Here's how you get the message across: you will need 3 things, a metal pail, lighter fluid and a match. Film yourself burning the gifts and send it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TashaTudor Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Hilarious! I, however, have had fantasies along the lines of Ms. Bobbitt. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Hahaha!! I wouldn't want to touch him! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Hahaha!! I wouldn't want to touch him! This. The thought of touching my xWW after I found out about her A was literally nauseating. One time I was handing her some of our daughter's clothes and my fingers accidentally brushed hers and I literally said GROSS inside my head. I went and immediately washed my hands! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TashaTudor Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 I know what you mean by gross! I found love letter's and underwear in his backpack. These letters described all of their disgusting actions in great detail. I think his mistress wanted me to find this stuff to provoke things. It worked. Link to post Share on other sites
Crossroads66 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I'm in a very similar situation (on the male side). But a couple of things about your situation strike me here. Firstly, NC after a 27 year long marriage, especially when there are children involved, is plain stupid. It just isn't going to happen. Period. I suspect your marriage was like mine - good in many ways and on many levels, but had issues for your husband (and maybe you as well) that no amount of denial, or brainwashing, or counselling could get around. But because there was a lot of "good" in it as well, your ex wants to acknowledge that. I wouldn't read anything into the gifts. Accept that your ex wants to be a friend, but not a romantic life partner. The time you had together was valuable to both of you on some level. Now it's time for a new phase of life. Emotions are never clear cut. It is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
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