I feel like my heart is being ripped apart....

[Cailinsona]

Agreed!

 

Do not respond.

 

He'll keep trying if he is genuinely trying to reconcile.

 

Stay strong

[HowWillICope]

Ex and I broke up ( he ended it caus he wasn't 'ready and needed to work on himself' there's no third party I'm 100% sure) 3 weeks ago but officially two months ago. Read my previous thread to find out details but I have been in ultimate NC since then. The full cold turkey.

 

It honestly feels like someone died.

 

However, after 2 weeks straight NC he texted me on Saturday asking me for TV links?? Like what the hell! He could google that or ask his friends but no he wants to set back my moving on. Perhaps it was just an excuse to talk to me?

 

Anyway, I ignored that text and went to bed. Next morning he texts "please?". Really?! Begging for TV links? It's so random and strange.

By this point I was HELLA ANGRY because my last text to him was how much the break up hurt me and how much pain I'm in. He didn't respond to that but texted me two days later saying he'd always be there for me and if life throws challenges at me and my friends aren't enough, he's always there. I didn't respond and I've been NC since then. Ultimate NC.

 

What made me angry is how he could so CASUALLY text me about TV links as if nothing had happened? As if we were besties?! What the heck??. Ugh. So I didn't respond to his "please" text.

Next thing I know, he added my friend on a social network! She obviously told me straight away and we were both like what the heck. I told her to ignore.

THEN, yesterday, he calls me.

 

Cue me freaking out.

I stayed strong and let it ring and didn't answer. Ultimate NC.

 

My problem is I've been feeling guilty! I'm not going to cave in because I don't think he was calling to beg me back, but because he feels uncomfortable that I'm not so available for when he thinks he's finally "ready" for a relationship.

But I just feel so...bad.

This feels so counter productive because I actually want him back. He's making efforts to reach out to me and yet I'm ignoring him. It doesn't make sense but I know it makes sense.....if that makes sense? Lol.

 

My question is: IF NC is not supposed to be used as a tool to get them back, what IS this mystery tool to use to actually get them back? Where does the NC come in if you actually want to get them back??

[mightycpa]

My question is: IF NC is not supposed to be used as a tool to get them back, what IS this mystery tool to use to actually get them back? Where does the NC come in if you actually want to get them back??

 

NC doesn't play well with "I want you back". NC is NO COMMUNICATION. That doesn't lead to reconciliation, believe me.

 

You have a tough task ahead of you. On the one hand, if you communicate too often or if you communicate too much emotion, you can drive your ex away even farther. If you do a low contact, then you are essentially accepting the risk that they won't want you back.

 

I can imagine two scenarios as a dumpee where you might actually stand a chance. One is where you wait a good long time, maybe a couple years. Then you have to come back better, stronger, etc. and they have to be open to the idea. You're going to start from square 1, almost.

 

The other is probably what you were thinking or hoping. That NC would make them miss you and they'd "see the light". Most people don't see the light you want them to see.

 

They say you don't know what you've got until you've lost it. Many posters here would say you're chasing the dragon, and you'll never catch him. That's what I think.

[HowWillICope]

So I don't get it...should I have been going LC instead of NC if I want him back??

 

It's hard because I DO want him back and he has been reaching out, but this forum preaches NC no matter what so I thought I was doing the right thing by ignoring all his attempts to make contact....

[Eighty_nine]

So I don't get it...should I have been going LC instead of NC if I want him back??

 

It's hard because I DO want him back and he has been reaching out, but this forum preaches NC no matter what so I thought I was doing the right thing by ignoring all his attempts to make contact....

 

No. You should be doing NO CONTACT- but primarily to help yourself heal. sometimes it does help get them back, but lots of times they throw you a few breadcrumbs and just give up, because theyre not that invested.

 

he still thinks he can have you whenever he wants to. when he realizes that's not the case, he may decide he wants you back. you must must stay NC.

[Cailinsona]

You stay NC until such time as you :

 

a) Never hear any more from him, heal and move on

b) He moves heaven and earth to contact you (and if he is serious he will do this)

 

Either way, you will regain your sanity, self respect and happiness ?

[HowWillICope]

If you read my previous posts you'll know my story. Ex broke up with me officially in end of November /December because he wasn't "ready" to be in a relationship or give me the relationship I deserved. It wasn't GIGS or someone else. It just is what it is. But it still hurts.

We were NC for a period of time...then back in contact (we met up after missing each other and he acted like we were still together! Lots of love and affection etc) but he still was adamant that he didn't want a relationship with me right now as he isn't ready (but told me that if he wanted to ever get serious with anyone it would be me)...I broke it off again immediately and now its been 4 and half weeks NC.

 

He has made attempt to contact me several times since then (last attempt was a week ago).

 

 

My problem isn't the resisting not to talk to him to try and get back together etc. over this period I've been thinking about all he did wrong and the things I did wrong I guess. But let me just say...rose coloured glasses have been removed. I'm starting to remember how badly he hurt me as he left me, the hurtful things he said...the way he treated me in the relationship (he was v insensitive & neglectful of my emotional needs). And right now I'm at the point where I'm thinking "you know what, it might actually not be so bad if he never came back".

 

He was right - he COULDN'T give me the relationship I deserved yet & definitely needed to work on himself.

 

My issue is that some days I think of the good times we had and miss him and hope he comes back. Other days I rememer how he REALLY treated me and all I want is just to TELL him. And lately, it's been building up and building up...to the point where I cry so hard at times wishing to tell him EXACTLY how he hurt me and how it would be hard for me to let him in again.

 

I've tried writing letters citing how he treated me ...and how it was not okay. I just feel like he can't be coasting through this breakup not knowing how he hurt me! This is what I struggle with about NC...just simply telling him how he hurt me to get it off my chest as closure.

 

I feel strong enough to not care if he doesn't respond. I also feel strong enough to not respond to anything he responds with. I think.

 

A part of me wants to carry on NC as if I domg care about it. But a part of me wants to just get all this pain off my chest and leave it at that!

 

What should I do?

 

Help

[HowWillICope]

To clarify: I haven't broken NC and have ignored all his attempts to contact me this past 4 and 1/2 weeks.

 

The letters I write were never sent to him. I wrote them & deleted them. But that doesn't help anymore. I feel like I'd feel a lot better if he just KNEW. And that's it. I don't care what happens after that.

 

I just want him to KNOW. Ugh

[WrinkledForehead]

To clarify: I haven't broken NC and have ignored all his attempts to contact me this past 4 and 1/2 weeks.

 

The letters I write were never sent to him. I wrote them & deleted them. But that doesn't help anymore. I feel like I'd feel a lot better if he just KNEW. And that's it. I don't care what happens after that.

 

I just want him to KNOW. Ugh

 

If you absolutely must, I would tell him. And then block him and ensure he can't contact you again.

 

Really, you're hurting. And I think this response from you is coming from a place of wanting him to hurt also. Is it wrong? I don't know. My head is screwed on backwards right now, too.

 

If you truly think it will help you move forward with your healing, then do it. Before you do, I highly encourage you to explore your own psyche as to why you feel it to be so necessary.

[Ifonlyihadknown]

Send him a link to this post. He will know then!

[Satu]

Don't give him any of your mental and emotional energy.

 

Invest that energy in yourself, instead.

[HowWillICope]

I feel it necessary because I feel like he should KNOW what he did & how he hurt me. I just feel like he's got away not knowing what he did to hurt someone.

 

I'm high in my emotions right now. But I don't care if telling him puts him off me for any reason. I don't care if he doesn't respond.

I don't even care if he doesn't agree.

 

I don't wish to respond to him or talk to him again for a long while.

 

All I want is just for him to KNOW how he hurt me. I just want to get it off my chest!

 

Will this give him ego boost? Will it make him think I still want him so badly or anything?

Heck at this point I don't even care.

 

BUT

 

I've done so well with NC for 4 and 1/2 weeks, ignoring his attempts at contact & seeming like I don't care. A part of me will feel like I 'lose' if I break it.

 

Torn.

[Ifonlyihadknown]

Lose what?

[calgary]

I feel it necessary because I feel like he should KNOW what he did & how he hurt me. I just feel like he's got away not knowing what he did to hurt someone.

 

I'm high in my emotions right now. But I don't care if telling him puts him off me for any reason. I don't care if he doesn't respond.

I don't even care if he doesn't agree.

 

I don't wish to respond to him or talk to him again for a long while.

 

All I want is just for him to KNOW how he hurt me. I just want to get it off my chest!

 

Will this give him ego boost? Will it make him think I still want him so badly or anything?

Heck at this point I don't even care.

 

BUT

 

I've done so well with NC for 4 and 1/2 weeks, ignoring his attempts at contact & seeming like I don't care. A part of me will feel like I 'lose' if I break it.

 

Torn.

 

This is exactly how i'm feeling. It'd be like a weight off of my chest and i'd be able to let it go. rather than all this keeping all of this anger inside of me.

[HowWillICope]

This is exactly how i'm feeling. It'd be like a weight off of my chest and i'd be able to let it go. rather than all this keeping all of this anger inside of me.

 

Well, I broke NC and told him. I needed to. It was eating me up inside and writing letters & deleting them was not helping anymore.

 

He replied almost immediately (a very short reply in contrast to my massive essay haha)

He just said that I'm not wrong and he understands. He also apologised for the breadcrumbs and admitted he only used them as a reason to try and talk to me again (sigh, man up!) and then he said he won't be sending me silly breadcrumbs anymore.

 

And that's it. I didn't reply and feel no need or urge to. I've gotten all the closure I need now and he STILL doesn't mention anything about wanting me back. So onwards and upwards.

 

I just feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders because now he KNOWS. I do feel a slight setback because I broke NC. But he had to know. Back to recovery....

 

I don't advise you doing this if you are still pining after him and hope that it will somehow bring him back...

I know there's always that slight hope, obviously, but if it's taking over then don't do it.

[calgary]

it's kind of like closure for yourself, like you ended it.

 

I found out the girl i was seeing had slept with her ex behind my back and still came and met me later that night.. she still kept letting me do a bunch of nice stuff for her after that and acted kind towards me and i feel used. She disappeared as soon as she went back to school and brushed me off pretty quick and now it sounds like she's chasing a guy who has a girlfriend. But i only found all of this out whilst in nc.

 

so i can imagine she's the kind of person to laugh at my message letting her know i know as she probably doesn't care, she used me for a little while and moved on.

 

But i feel like i'd feel better. I obviously don't want a girl like that back. I might just hold myself together for a while and throw it in response to a breadcrumb if i ever get one. I'm 16 days nc. But it would do me good to let it out.

[HowWillICope]

So it's been almost 6 weeks NC...3 months since BU (he broke up with me). And ...well...it's been a WHILE since... you know.

 

Which makes me so tempted to booty call him. That along with the temptation to contact him because I miss him and want to get back together makes it even harder! (I know not to break NC though).

 

It's weird because there are guys I used to talk to on my phonebook whom I can easily contact to satisfy the cravings but I just can't do it...I don't want to. For some reason, I'm still attached to my ex and only want it with him!

 

Should I break NC to booty call him?

 

 

LOLLL who am I kidding. OBVIOUSLY stay NC.

 

But I'm curious to know if others feel this way? I can't be the only one!

[AdamantyumKrystal]

what i ask you first is : are you ok with being someone else's sex object? sorry if i sound too harsh but this is the truth! chances are u will feel very low about yourself after doing it and truthfully speaking you'll get lessened in his eyes(MOST males don't like easy women),and i personally think that sex is not a good way to get back togheter

[Tarot777]

I want sex with my ex too, it was really good and he's the only one I want for that, even if I don't particularly like him right now.

 

Don't do it though, someone else will come along to rock your world eventually.

Plus what if he refuses you!! That would sting like hell.

[Elle1975]

There is no way in hell I'd Booty call my ex. That's what vibrators are for - or strangers in bars, but you could end up in someone's trunk.

[Zahara]

It's weird because there are guys I used to talk to on my phonebook whom I can easily contact to satisfy the cravings but I just can't do it...I don't want to. For some reason, I'm still attached to my ex and only want it with him!

 

Missing that physical and emotional connection can drive you to make stupid decisions, like a booty call. I'm also sure you're hoping you can use sex to change his mind or make him want you again. Don't do it because when you wake up the next morning and realize the moment is over, you're going feel horrible, worse than you feel now.

 

If he's emotionally detached from you, he will enjoy it and move on the next morning. You'll feel like hell. But worst of all, you'll feel like humiliated and used. It's one thing if you can just have sex, enjoy it and move on, it's a different ball game when you still love him.

[ZiggyZoo]

Ugh, I feel ya. My ex was the best sex I've ever had, I felt so close to him and loved...I knew I was on my way to recovery when I didn't even want to sleep with him one last time, and could see that it would be terrible for me. But yeah, there were times when I would gladly break my own heart again to be with him one more time. The good thing I guess is that I know now how good sex can be, and won't settle anymore. Damn endorphins.

[HowWillICope]

Its been a while since i posted on this forum. Please feel free to go through my previous posts for a little back story. Since that horrible period me and my ex had, we eventually found our way back to each other because our love was so great and had been together since....until about 6 weeks ago.

 

Me and my ex always had a rocky relationship and I always felt un-satisfied with the level of love, affection and attention he shows me. He has improved GREATLY since we first started dating back in 2012, but even now i don't feel like he cares enough the way I need him to. He is very career focused and career driven and has always put much more effort into that aspect of his life, than into our relationship. It is 100% worse during times of conflict than when we aren't arguing. During arguments he can literally stone-wall me and not reply to me because he is angry, and when i get so frustrated I say I want to break up and he says "me too I'm fed up too". So we don't talk for weeks and then get back together. Well that is how our arguments usually happen and that is what happened 6 weeks ago. I was losing attraction for him and kept feeling like there is something more...

 

Well 3 weeks ago, whilst me and ex had broken up and were in ZERO contact (I blocked him), I met a new guy. He is great, he is tall , handsome, funny, smart, laid-back and absolutely lovely. We hit it off and things became physical. I wasn't in contact with my ex and didn't think we'd ever talk again so I thought it was okay.

 

Me and new guy have gotten very close in 3 weeks. Things have moved fast. I have developed some feelings for him, although he has made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship. He has said he feels the same way about me however. I also think getting into a relationship so soon after ex breakup is a bit irresponsible of me, so a part of me was relieved to hear that new guy was down with that too. Although, I am starting to fall for him. He's so much more attentive than my ex *sigh*.

 

Anyway I really enjoy new guy's company..and i planned to carry on seeing him. I know its not long after my breakup and I feel awful but i was lonely and i WASNT actively seeking out a new guy. it just happened, and we so happened to hit it off. New guy is an avid weed smoker, which isn't ideal and is kind of off-putting for me, so thats stopping me from catching deep feelings for him. Which I thought was great, as I didn't want to get in a new relationship.

New guy also knows I just got out of a relationship.

 

Right, two days ago my ex EMAILS me asking to talk. i had blocked him on everything so figured that it must be serious if he resorted to email. He came over to talk, he apologised, accepted that he had been a ****ty boyfriend and regrets his actions. The FULL works guys. He told me he loves me and can't imagine life without me, but understands that he f**ed up and he has lost rights to me. He told me he just wants me to be happy, and understands that he doesn't deserve me but he will always love me and he will always find me because he just has to be with the person he loves.He also said that if I meet someone else that makes me happier than him, he will understand.

This tugged on my heart strings. Ever since I blocked my ex, the possibility of getting back together hadn't even crossed my mind. i was so angry and hurt and just thought it was over. I am also aware that we have tried for 4 years and its always ended up being the same: Me unhappy, him unhappy. Petty arguments.

 

I can't deny that I still love him though. But I still want to see new guy? My ex asked me if I had met anyone or done anything and i lied because I just couldnt bare to hurt him and I felt ashamed that after only one month breakup I was already sleeping with someone else and spending so much time with them and even developing feelings. i felt ashamed.

 

This morning I felt sooo guilty because I lied to my ex and we had sex when he came over, that I told my ex everything. About the new guy , about everything. And I hope he doesn't hate me.

I do still love him, but am unsure of what to do right now. ANY advicce would be appreciated.

 

I don't feel i am being unfair to the new guy since new guy isn't really a "thing" as he has said he's not looking for a relationship. We are just hanging out.

 

I am 24 and ex is 25. HELP

[springy]

RE: your ex - nothing has changed. You are about to go back in and repeat the same cycle. How about spending some time on your own to collect yourself and figure out what you want exactly? I doubt the feelings for the new guy are anything substantive. Hopefully he's not forming an emotional attachment. You are on the rebound.

[HowWillICope]

Cant shake the feeling of guilt and for hurting my ex with this news. Do you think I've done something wrong. I didn't even wait a full month post break up but honestly it just happened and new guy made me feel good. Do you think Ive messed up?

 

Re new guy - Im not on the rebound as I'm not pursuing anything serious with him. He isn't pursuing anything serious with me either.

But now that ex is back, Im in a total state of mind****.