Is this inappropriate behavior with a young girl?

January 20, 2015

I have an idea! Never write any more about these 2 men or any other men for that matter, share about your son, your job, your new pet rabbit and cat, your friends, your shopping, your mom and dad, vacation, philosophies just NOT THESE MEN!!! I really honestly think it would be healthy for you! Seriously!

January 21, 2015

Thanks for the responses here -- I KNOW deep down that I shouldn't be talking about my ex boyfriend etc etc...but I just can't seem to get over it.

A therapist told me that I probably have love addiction -- so that makes this situation that much worse.

I have gone back and forth TOO many times in the past couple of days and need support. I'm grateful for the support I received here.

He has begged me back -- said that he wants to believe me and know that I won't lie to him anymore...

The problem is really centered around my ex husband -- he thinks I have been too close to him and he believes that he would try to get back together with me.

So in a recent conversation he was talking about how my ex husband would probably say to him -- "see I got her back"....and my ex BF said (to me) that his response would be "well I paid the rent on her for a few months..." .. You can keep her.."

I was aghast that he said that....he said that was just "guy talk" and how men see this stuff... that it can be a bit like a competition... and that he doesn't want to compete with my ex.

So does that mean that it's excusable for him to read ALL Of my text messages from my ex husband? And need to be in the room for EVERY phone conversation I have with him?

Maybe I'm nuts - but I feel that as long as I keep proper boundaries in place -- my partner shouldn't have to be inspecting all my text messages etc.

January 21, 2015

Me2, you know the answer to your questions. You don't need us to answer it. Is that acceptable to you?

Stay in therapy, forget romantic relationships. You don't NEED either man. You do need your son and I am afraid you are going to learn that lesson far too late.

January 21, 2015

Thanks for the responses here -- I KNOW deep down that I shouldn't be talking about my ex boyfriend etc etc...but I just can't seem to get over it.

All I can contribute is that you should not be talking to you ex-BF about ANYTHING - there should not be a negotiation going on about "what if..." and "maybe we can..." And you should not be talking to your ex-H about possibly getting back together.

You need to focus on and support the things that are "stabilizing" in your life:

STABILIZING FACTORS THAT YOU SHOULD WORK ON AND APPRECIATE:

(1) Your current job - you already have it and you just need to work hard at it and it can lead you to financial stability if you stick with it;

(2) Your relationship with your son - this should be obvious, but I fear you may not always prioritize it as you should;

(3) Your ex-Husband's relationship with your son. Don't look at this as a bad thing, or like it has to negatively reflect on you. Your son absolutely NEEDS NEEDS NEEDS at least one stable, present, whole parent. You need to be honest with yourself, and admit that you have not recently been that kind of parent for him, so you should thank whatever god you pray to that your ex-Husband is filling this role while you get yourself stable again. That way, you can work on the goal of your son having TWO stable parents in his life.

DESTABILIZING FACTORS THAT YOU SHOULD ELIMINATE, REJECT, BLOCK

(1) Your ex-Boyfriend. Any energy you put into arguing, negotiating, etc. is wasted and taken away from the stabilizing factors above that you should be spending time and energy on. Block, eliminate, remove.

(2) Potential new job far away. Maybe some time in the future, when you have the rest of your life stabilized, but not now. You current job is enough, and it is close to your son, and you have it now. A job change at this time would be destabilizing, would put you farther from your son and closer to the ex-BF that you need to avoid, and will not help your stability in the short term.

(3) Your ex-Husband's attempts to lure you back. From the outside, it sounds like these men are in a contest, with an emotional slave - you -as the "prize", and without really caring that much about what you need to get yourself stable. Don't be that emotional slave. Get out - get fully OUT of both relationships; make it clear to both that you are not available as a partner. Block the BF, and insist with your ex-Husband that you will deal with him as co-parents, but not romantic partners.

I think you should absolutely avoid being "lured" back to either man at this point. It probably seems to you that being with a man is stabilizing - actually, one of your problems may be that this is the only way you see "stability" - but both of these men are destabilizing factors for you right now. (And with your ex-Husband, I'm referring to his romantic overtures, not his co-parenting relationship with you or his relationship with your son.)

Get into therapy, and work at it. You need to figure out how to be "whole" without relying on a man to fill an emotional void, pay your bills, or grant you permission to have a relationship with your son.

And if your therapist suggests, in any way, that you could or should get back with your ex-Boyfriend, you should consider that you probably aren't painting a full and honest picture of his behavior. It may well be that with guidance in therapy, you can learn from the relationship dynamic you had with your ex-BF, and consider how you might have contributed to it in both positive and negative ways, but that doesn't mean "some things were my fault, so now we can get back together." Aside from the elements of your relationship dynamic with him, your ex-BF has serious, built-in problems that will be there even if you somehow became the perfect partner.

Edited January 21, 2015 by Trimmer

January 21, 2015

If she still doesn't get it after 18 pages, she ain't going to at all.

Remember this quote from a few pages ago?

We are 21 pages into this thread now ...... what have you learned?

That is not a rhetorical question ...... nor am I shaming you.

What have you learned?

You monkey branched from your ex-husband to your ex-boyfriend so as not to be alone ...... you went from one toxic relationship to another.

Stop rationalizing your ex-boyfriend's atrocious and abusive behavior due to your ex-husband's equally disturbing behavior. Your ex-husband did not force your ex-boyfriend to text and congregate with teenage girls. This isn't a chicken or the egg scenario ...... both of these men are far from being healthy partners for you.

You are getting a paycheck on Friday ...... I'd have my sights set on establishing some stability with your own apartment.

Have you investigated the books that MissBee and myself mentioned earlier up thread?

January 21, 2015

Trimmer's post is spot on ...... like, really spot on.

Me2Me2, I strongly urge you to print his words out (Post #304) and carry that piece of paper everywhere you go ...... whenever you have a moment of weakness ...... pull it out and read it again.

January 21, 2015

YOU are lke a tree in a wide open space that is being ripped by two gale force winds coming from two opposite directions. Each take in turns to ruin you, each rips your branches off, but because each wind at times appears to lift your branches it can temporily make you feel good, until the next branch hurtles to the ground and you realise your mistake.

Whilst one wind is damaging you, you look to the other to save you, to make you feel good again, but the truth is ultimately both winds are hell bent on destruction and the tree one day, will break completely and fall to the ground.

The tree is stuck it cannot go anywhere, it is rooted to the spot, but you are free to choose what you want to do with your life, you do not have to wait like the tree for both of these men to ruin you.

Wake up!

January 21, 2015

Thanks for the support here -- once again. You all have excellent advice and I am REALLY working to try and soak it in.

Sometimes it helps me to just remind myself of all the reasons that I need to avoid this relationship --

He believes he (and our relationship) should always come before my son and that my son needs to respect that.

He takes the phone out of my hand -- reads texts and messages that I share with even my girlfriends -- to make sure that I am not saying anything about him...

He always wants my location services to be on ...so he knows where I am at all times.

He is so jealous that he accuses me of making long eye contact with men in public - if they are staring at me.

He needs my constant attention -- and even tried to provoke me .....saying that he was going to end things ...if I didn't respond to his text....while I was on the air. Even doing a 10, 9, 8, 7, 6 etc countdown via text... with little hearts breaking at the end. (He's 47 years old!)

He unfriended me on FB and took our photos down -- and then posted that he's been "betrayed etc etc" on a post....

He messaged my girlfriend and told her that he was going to keep her as a friend -- but that he ended things with me...and he was heartbroken but he made the right decision.

He had a private investigator following me -- to see what I was doing in my son's hometown -- even AFTER he cut off my money supply...since I went there without his permission and he was angry about it.

My ex husband will probably try to prevent me from ever seeing my son.. if I'm with my ex BF.. now that he's aware of this above behavior....

January 21, 2015

Thanks for the support here -- once again. You all have excellent advice and I am REALLY working to try and soak it in.

Sometimes it helps me to just remind myself of all the reasons that I need to avoid this relationship --

He believes he (and our relationship) should always come before my son and that my son needs to respect that.

He takes the phone out of my hand -- reads texts and messages that I share with even my girlfriends -- to make sure that I am not saying anything about him...

He always wants my location services to be on ...so he knows where I am at all times.

He is so jealous that he accuses me of making long eye contact with men in public - if they are staring at me.

He needs my constant attention -- and even tried to provoke me .....saying that he was going to end things ...if I didn't respond to his text....while I was on the air. Even doing a 10, 9, 8, 7, 6 etc countdown via text... with little hearts breaking at the end. (He's 47 years old!)

He unfriended me on FB and took our photos down -- and then posted that he's been "betrayed etc etc" on a post....

He messaged my girlfriend and told her that he was going to keep her as a friend -- but that he ended things with me...and he was heartbroken but he made the right decision.

He had a private investigator following me -- to see what I was doing in my son's hometown -- even AFTER he cut off my money supply...since I went there without his permission and he was angry about it.

My ex husband will probably try to prevent me from ever seeing my son.. if I'm with my ex BF.. now that he's aware of this above behavior....

"He believes he (and our relationship) should always come before my son and that my son needs to respect that".

Everything you wrote after that statement doesn't even matter.

Your son is 9 years old! He needs his mom ...... don't you want to have a loving relationship with your child?

I worked in the night intake division (Zombie Squad) for Child Protective Services for several years in a major city ...... this guy is unsafe for both you and your son.

January 21, 2015

Well -- I just talked to my divorce attorney and I asked him (knowing the behavior described in this post about having me followed etc...) if there is even any chance that I would ever be able to have my son -- while in the presence of my BF.

He said it would be pretty difficult to ever get that.... considering the police report etc. and the behavior that has been described.

My BF had promised that he could tone down his anger in traffic etc...

I need to let this sink in....

January 21, 2015

My BF had promised that he could tone down his anger in traffic etc...

Why are you still calling him your BF and -- more importantly -- WHY ARE YOU STILL COMMUNICATING WITH HIM!?!?!

:rolleyes:

January 21, 2015

This is true....I know. I shouldn't be communicating.

His "love bombing" ....worked too well with me...and I started to get reeled back in.

I am trying to stay strong -- it is hard to stay strong for the sake of my son..when I never even get to see him -- even when I live in his town. My work hours -- from 1pm to 10:30pm weekdays -- stinks. He's 9 and gets out of school when I go into work. And he lives primarily with his dad.

It is not easy -- I feel like I am just an afterthought -- unless I'm back in the marriage etc....

January 22, 2015

This is true....I know. I shouldn't be communicating.

His "love bombing" ....worked too well with me...and I started to get reeled back in.

I am trying to stay strong -- it is hard to stay strong for the sake of my son..when I never even get to see him -- even when I live in his town. My work hours -- from 1pm to 10:30pm weekdays -- stinks. He's 9 and gets out of school when I go into work. And he lives primarily with his dad.

It is not easy -- I feel like I am just an afterthought -- unless I'm back in the marriage etc....

Bull. You are an afterthought because you make yourself an afterthought. You want a man to validate you and that is your only focus. Your son knows HE is an afterthought.

January 22, 2015

This is true....I know. I shouldn't be communicating.

Then why are you?

His "love bombing" ....worked too well with me...and I started to get reeled back in.

Excuses, excuses, excuses...

January 22, 2015

Then why are you?

Excuses, excuses, excuses...

What happened to the restraining order?

January 22, 2015

This will be my last post as much of the advice given to you, within the context of this thread, is excellent and worthy of your adherence.

The Cliff Notes version, which should be taped to your mirror, is as follows:

1. No contact with your ex-boyfriend. This includes no text messages, e-mails, or phone calls from him. Again, one cannot be "Love Bombed", or manipulated, if they block that individual entirely from their life.

2. Focus on job stability, and obtaining a residence of your own, while living in the vicinity of your son.

3. Place a priority on your child and re-establishing a meaningful/stable relationship with him.

There is nothing left to say except this:

Follow the advice as outlined in this thread.

Best of luck to you and your son.

January 22, 2015

Well -- I just talked to my divorce attorney and I asked him (knowing the behavior described in this post about having me followed etc...) if there is even any chance that I would ever be able to have my son -- while in the presence of my BF.

He said it would be pretty difficult to ever get that....

Cool so does this mean that all's hunky dorey with you and your "BF" now? Is there a head banging smiley here because that is what I'm doing!!

January 22, 2015

No -- we aren't together -- I'm working to keep my mind in the right place. And yes -- I see that this advice needs to be followed to a "t"... I am praying for the strength.

Side note -- my ex bf also told me that he is in the process of running a very in depth FBI quality background check on my ex husband -- that dates all the way to his childhood -- and he insinuated that he was bugging his computer....by stating that he KNEW that my ex husband was doing a lot of porn.....

Private investigator -- FBI background check etc... this just sounds so intense and it leaves me uneasy about all of this...

I wish I had friends that could support me on this... but they all loved him.

Edited January 22, 2015 by me2me2

January 22, 2015

It would be nice if your friends supported you in this. I bet your roommate supports you. But even if they don't...

Stop praying for strength, stop wishing

start doing!!!

Or just be honest. Your BF is unhealthy (and you know it) but it is easier because he basically pays for everything and you never have to think. You are practically a slave so anything bad that happens is never you fault and that seems to appeal to you. (including giving up your son)

When you are with your ExH it is the same thing. You just hand over your will power and say what ever you want. You even filed for bankruptcy for him.

Why are you so afraid to stand on your own 2 feet and demand what you want.

Unless what you want is to live without free will and without your son. In which case ,,, carry on. You are doing exactly what you want and you have every right to.

Or, follow the advice you have been getting for like 22-23 pages and make your life better and your son's life better.

Edited to add: You cannot just call up and do a FBI background check on someone. Also, he is a doctor, I highly doubt he has the IT skills to "bug" someones computer. That really isn't an industry term anyway. This guy is full of crap. OMG he is full of it and the fact that you are even listening to it means you are eating it with a spoon. You know the right thing to do. Please please please do it.

Edited January 22, 2015 by eye of the storm

January 22, 2015

No -- we aren't together -- I'm working to keep my mind in the right place. And yes -- I see that this advice needs to be followed to a "t"... I am praying for the strength.

Side note -- my ex bf also told me that he is in the process of running a very in depth FBI quality background check on my ex husband -- that dates all the way to his childhood -- and he insinuated that he was bugging his computer....by stating that he KNEW that my ex husband was doing a lot of porn.....

Private investigator -- FBI background check etc... this just sounds so intense and it leaves me uneasy about all of this...

I wish I had friends that could support me on this... but they all loved him.

Leaves you "uneasy"!?! That is pure psycho, insanity. What the hell? One, I would take it with a grain of salt, two, he is breaking laws, three he is OBSESSED with your ex husband, and four, how on earth doesn't that solidify things for you?

I agree, I think I am leaving the thread as well. You have zero interest in not focusing on an adult male during your waking hours and will continue this cycle.

I wish you all the best, you are going to need it.

January 22, 2015

Well -- I just talked to my divorce attorney and I asked him (knowing the behavior described in this post about having me followed etc...) if there is even any chance that I would ever be able to have my son -- while in the presence of my BF.

He said it would be pretty difficult to ever get that.... considering the police report etc. and the behavior that has been described.

My BF had promised that he could tone down his anger in traffic etc...

I need to let this sink in....

There is nothing to let sink in. This shouldn't even be a question. You know your ex-bf is mentally unstable and unfit to be around women and children. You don't need a lawyer to tell you that.

No -- we aren't together -- I'm working to keep my mind in the right place. And yes -- I see that this advice needs to be followed to a "t"... I am praying for the strength.

Side note -- my ex bf also told me that he is in the process of running a very in depth FBI quality background check on my ex husband -- that dates all the way to his childhood -- and he insinuated that he was bugging his computer....by stating that he KNEW that my ex husband was doing a lot of porn.....

Private investigator -- FBI background check etc... this just sounds so intense and it leaves me uneasy about all of this...

I wish I had friends that could support me on this... but they all loved him.

You do realize that this whole section is totally insane, right? Literally insane. No hyperbole, no exaggeration, it's insane.

First, what he is claiming he is having done is highly illegal. As in, felony charges illegal. It's not some intense "love" thing. It's his insane ramblings about fantasy commission of a felony designed to suck you in and that's all it is. Insane fantasy ramblings by a mentally unstable person. The FBI couldn't care less about your ex-BF or your ex-husband. Even iff he knows an employee at the FBI said person isn't going to risk losing their job and then being charged with a federal crime to help out some quackpot. You can't "bug" a computer.

And who gives a flying fig if your ex-husband is "doing porn"? I understand that our faith prohibits porn use, but so what? It's not illegal. It's not even uncommon. The courts won't care unless he is endangering your son, which he isn't. The fact is your ex could be using hookers and as long as he does it while the kid is not present no one cares.

And even if the court did care they wouldn't take the boy from his father and give him to you after you abandoned him for a documented psycho. At best, he'd end up at a relatives house and at worst he'd end up in foster care.

We talked a lot on the other forum about your mother, who I think is a real piece of work. We didn't, to my recollection, talk about your father. It seems you are resisting adulthood and personal responsibility. You keep getting into these poisonous relationships with men who are 1) freaking crazy...mentally damaged..screwed up! and 2) who you let control you and your entire life as if they were your parent and you a child. You let these men ruin you and seem to blame them or circumstances without taking any responsibility of your own for the choices you make.

What you don't seem to realize is that when you choose these men and then allow them have total control of you and your life you are, in all reality, responsible for the outcome. I get some women prefer to have their man run things. But at least choose a responsible, mature, sane, man for that job!

January 22, 2015

I work in an IT field. While eating I mentioned somebody wanted to "bug" a computer. I got nothing but confused faces. Several of these guys are certified hackers. Then one of them laughed and said that sounded like something his grandmother would say after watching too many spy movies. Another one (who couldn't take a joke if you gift wrapped it and handed it to him) said very seriously, "hacking someone's computer without permission is illegal". Which gave us all a good laugh because some of these guys do just that for a living.

In other words. This guy (just like all the other posters are trying to tell you) is insane and a liar.

January 22, 2015

I think I misused the word. What he said was that there is a way to send an email to someone and when they click on it... It allows the person to view what's being done on the computer. And it can be monitored until another email with a certain word or picture...is clicked on yet again.

That is what I believe he may have done to my ex husband's computer. But he didn't openly state that. But, it is the impression he's giving me by telling me he KNOWS that he is doing a lot of porn...

I work in an IT field. While eating I mentioned somebody wanted to "bug" a computer. I got nothing but confused faces. Several of these guys are certified hackers. Then one of them laughed and said that sounded like something his grandmother would say after watching too many spy movies. Another one (who couldn't take a joke if you gift wrapped it and handed it to him) said very seriously, "hacking someone's computer without permission is illegal". Which gave us all a good laugh because some of these guys do just that for a living.

In other words. This guy (just like all the other posters are trying to tell you) is insane and a liar.

January 22, 2015

Look at it this way: rather than call your ex your ex-husband, realize that he is your child's father and primary caregiver. This man you continue to have a relationship with is threatening your child's father.

Imagine how you would explain that to your son: "Yes, I knew he was dangerous and mentally unstable but I kept listening to him and talking to him even though he was threatening me and daddy."

You’ve made lists of the damaging and threatening things this man has done. If you can’t muster the strength to protect yourself from this, muster the strength to protect your child from this. He is a threat to his peace and happiness, and to his parents.

Stop permitting this snake into your child's inner circle.

Edited to add: I just remembered that this thread began with a question about this man’s judgment regarding children. He admittedly had inappropriate relationships with minors, which got your spidey senses on alert. That was good. The alarm went off inside of you for the right reasons. You knew inside that something was wrong with him.

Have you ever read, “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker? If you haven’t, read it now. You might be shocked at how perfectly the ex-BF fits the profile of dangerous predators DeBecker describes.

This is who Gavin DeBecker is:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gavin_de_Becker

Edited January 22, 2015 by BlueIris

January 22, 2015

Been following this thread and honestly I have a hard time believing this is all for real. I just cannot wrap my head around you even considering having this unstable man in your life when you have a child, who knows what he might attempt. And why you are still communicating with this psycho is beyond me, it seems like you enjoy the attention. You have 22 pages of advice here and you are not listening to any of it. If that were the case, you would have ceased communication with him days ago, gotten a restraining order and not even be considering relocating to his city (for work or any other reason). I just don't get it. I am also exiting this thread, good luck to you.

Sign In

Is this inappropriate behavior with a young girl?

Recommended Posts

Rejected Rosebud

me2me2

Got it

Trimmer

Under The Radar

Under The Radar

elaine567

me2me2

Under The Radar

me2me2

CarrieT

me2me2

Got it

CarrieT

MidwestUSA

Under The Radar

Rejected Rosebud

me2me2

eye of the storm

Got it

MJJean

eye of the storm

me2me2

BlueIris

tippydog90

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...