Is this inappropriate behavior with a young girl?

[me2me2]

Well, I understand. He talked to my attorney this am and I do not believe I will have further contact from him. He knows the liability too... Since there was a stalking concern earlier on.

 

I definitely hate the fact though... That he thinks I was cheating on him. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true.

 

He tells me yesterday that if I didn't go on the trip ... Despite my reasons for worry regarding my son... That he was done.

 

So I said okay. Done. Do not contact me.

 

Then an hour later I am at dinner with a male friend and he calls the hostess? And asks who I am with... And she apparently tells him I'm with a man. And describes him. He then goes on and on about how the hostess even had my license plate. I then realized this was not a hostess. This was the PI again....

 

It had to be... So as crazy as it sounds... I feel strange about him thinking I was cheating.

[MidwestUSA]

 

It had to be... So as crazy as it sounds... I feel strange about him thinking I was cheating.

 

 

 

Get it OUT OF YOUR HEAD! It's a manipulative tactic!

[CarrieT]

Well, I understand. He talked to my attorney this am and I do not believe I will have further contact from him. He knows the liability too... Since there was a stalking concern earlier on.

Wrong. You will and I can tell you why:

 

He tells me yesterday that if I didn't go on the trip ...

 

Then an hour later I am at dinner with a male friend and he calls the hostess? And asks who I am with...

You were in contact with him last night and an hour later he is having you followed AGAIN.

 

From last night to this morning, he will not have changed that drastically to just leave you alone.

 

I was serious when I said that this is the kind of guy who might go to the extent of killing you. I was serious then and I am still am.

 

In the span of less than 24 hours, he is NOT DONE WITH YOU.

 

Call your lawyer and get a restraining order. Involve the waitress as a back-up witness that he is stalking you and involving others in the process.

 

You need to be the one that is proactive in this regard for your own safety.

 

I wish you could see that. Him telling you that he is done with you is erroneous. He is far from done with you if he has been that obsessed to the extent of threatening you and having you followed.

 

Again, I really wish you could see it through clear eyes. You need to protect yourself immediately.

[eye of the storm]

SMH. Why do you care what a psycho thinks about you.

 

To him, spending time with your son is cheating on him!

 

You need professional help. Major help.

 

Every time you talk to him you ENDANGER YOUR SON!

 

Why won't you just STOP IT?!?!?

 

On a side note, call the restaurant you were at and ream the manager for the hostess telling strange callers details about the diners. Tell him he is lucky you don't sue.

 

Me2Me2, you are so concerned about what the nut thinks about you. Try being more concerned about what you son thinks about you. That is the only male you need to worry about. And right now you are putting him in danger every time you talk to the psycho. That guy is not rational. He has the ability and right now the desire to hurt you and anyone connected to you. Like your son. Please God, stop it.

[me2me2]

yes, I am in full understanding of this. I have stopped all communication and I have already left a message for the manager of the restaurant. I am also talking further with the county attorney. However, I do still worry about what he will do to ME if I file restraining order. Attorney told me to just judge from this point forward... And if further contact happens now... I should file.

 

After his convo with ex BF he feels confident that he will abide by the cease and Decist.

 

And yeah... My head is still spinning...

 

 

SMH. Why do you care what a psycho thinks about you.

 

To him, spending time with your son is cheating on him!

 

You need professional help. Major help.

 

Every time you talk to him you ENDANGER YOUR SON!

 

Why won't you just STOP IT?!?!?

 

On a side note, call the restaurant you were at and ream the manager for the hostess telling strange callers details about the diners. Tell him he is lucky you don't sue.

 

Me2Me2, you are so concerned about what the nut thinks about you. Try being more concerned about what you son thinks about you. That is the only male you need to worry about. And right now you are putting him in danger every time you talk to the psycho. That guy is not rational. He has the ability and right now the desire to hurt you and anyone connected to you. Like your son. Please God, stop it.

[pteromom]

It is legal in most U.S. states for a grown man of any age to have a sexual relationship with a consenting sixteen year old girl (provided he is not her supervisor, or in any position of authority over her)... SO, it is extremely inappropriate to brandish the word "pedophile" in reference to some guy who is perving on a girl who is 15 years and 51 weeks old, while at the same time their sexual union would be perfectly legal ten days later.

 

Legal perhaps, but still immoral.

 

What kind of grown man (other than perhaps an 18-19 year old one with a younger girlfriend) has sex with a 16 year old girl? In order to do that, a guy has to be so focused on his own sexual needs that he is able to completely disregard the girl's best interests or growth. She is still in high school for goodness sake!

 

If we lived in some kind of ancient or third world society where 16 year old girls needed to have babies, that would be one thing, but in our society, 16 year old girls are still children.

 

So pedophile or not, men need to be able to put their sexual desires aside enough to be decent human beings.

[eye of the storm]

Listen to your attorney. He will give you good solid advice. He is paid to look after your interests.

 

I am sure he also told you to stop talking to the psycho.

 

I completely agree with CarrieT. This guy is not done. He WILL try to contact you again. Do not talk to him, hang up and notify your attorney.

 

Have pepper spray or a taser on you at all times. Keep your doors locked even if you just run to your car for a second. If you see a car following you, call the police and then drive to a crowed place for help. At work ask for a security guard to walk you to your car every night. Take a self defense class (would be good for your self confidence too). Tell you boss about this guy stalking you and have them notify you if he tries to enter or contact anyone there about you so you can tell your attorney.

 

I still don't think you comprehend how dangerous this guy is. He is not rational. He is not playing by the same rules that a normal human being does.

[pteromom]

But, I had blocked him -- and had my attorney send a cease and decist -- and he showed up with an engagement ring.

 

I told you this was going to happen! Remember!?

 

Because an engagment ring is an easy way to suck you back in. It takes almost ZERO effort and makes it look like he is doing something grand and beautiful. But he isn't. He's just manipulating you.

 

he still expects me to board that plane on Monday and stop working -- and come live with him 3 hours from my son. He says he would "work with me" and help me see my son as much as possible...

 

You already know from past experience with him that it isn't true.

 

Do not fall for it!

[pteromom]

(why you even have to mention all these "friends" are gay makes me think they don't actually exist.

 

...it is because she was with a guy who was jealous and controlling and accusing. She feels she needs to point out that she has no inappropriate relationship with these men, since they are gay.

[me2me2]

Yes I realize this is true...and I was very grateful this morning to wake up (albeit on my ex's couch) to my son hugging me and telling me he loved me!

 

I took my son apartment shopping yesterday and told him he could help me pick

 

I'm really trying to maintain forward motion

 

And I called the restaurant and I talked to the manager... It is my belief that my ex BF had a PI there. The place claims that they have a strict policy against that. AND my ex BF never got the name the reservation was under... So how in the world would he expect one to believe it was the hostess. She would tell him ...

[eye of the storm]

See? He lies. You will not talk to him, You will not answer his calls, you will not read his emails. You will tell your attorney everything. And if your attorney tells you to file an RO, you will do it.

 

I hope you and your son find a great place to live. Look at many, and find one that makes you feel peaceful. I looked at like 20 and then I walked into the place I decided on, i just knew it was the one. My son even said, "this feels like we could be happy here".

 

Keep moving. You can do this.

[pteromom]

 

I definitely hate the fact though... That he thinks I was cheating on him. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true.

 

This actually doesn't sound that crazy. You are a good person and it hurts you that someone may be thinking that you are a cheater.

 

But what you have to remind yourself of is that your ex-bf doesn't think correctly. He isn't capable of just being rational and realizing that everything he is doing is off-the-charts ridiculous.

 

He lives in a state of paranoia.

 

So his accusations of you cheating have NOTHING to do with your character, and everything to do with his mental instability.

 

Think of it this way, it is better to walk away, and know that your ex-bf thought you were cheating on him, than to stay with him, and have to prove your faithfulness for the rest of your life by letting him control and follow you. That sounds incredibly tiring.

 

You will be ok. It will hurt, but you will be ok. Keep going to therapy. Find a support group. Connect with your son. Block the crazy ex-bf.

 

You will be ok.

[pteromom]

I was very grateful this morning to wake up (albeit on my ex's couch) to my son hugging me and telling me he loved me!

 

This makes me happy. Hold onto this, which is a healthy love!

 

I took my son apartment shopping yesterday and told him he could help me pick

]

 

Sounds wonderful and positive! Do NOT tell ex-psycho-bf where you end up.

 

And I called the restaurant and I talked to the manager... It is my belief that my ex BF had a PI there. The place claims that they have a strict policy against that. AND my ex BF never got the name the reservation was under... So how in the world would he expect one to believe it was the hostess. She would tell him ...

 

Don't worry about verifying his lies and his accusations. Whether he called and who he talked to and what they said really doesn't matter. You are beyond that, and if he wants to spend his energy having you followed by a PI or making calls to see what man you are with, that's his problem. Besides- doesn't matter if you are with a man now, since you are SINGLE AND FREE!

 

(Not that you should date - keep working on yourself so you will find a man who is good and kind and loving and gentle and trusting.)

[me2me2]

I am still stunned at all that has transpired and I think the quiet... Is painful in its own way.

 

I know that sounds bizarre but my ex BF spent SO much energy being around me or being in touch with me... That I am just stunned. My life is so vacant now. I realize that everything I did or didn't do... Revolved around him.

 

So this is a process.

 

I also realize now some of the things that have been said/done are truly off the charts crazy.

 

He was so upset that I wanted to spend time alone with my son... And if he texted or called while I was alone with him (son)... And I didn't respond in less than 5 minutes.. He started blowing up the phone.

 

"Babe.."

 

"BABE!"

 

"What is going on here.."

 

"Ok this is not good here.. ____"

 

And when I told him my son was getting annoyed with me always being on the phone or texting him... He said well he's just going to have to get used to it, because that's how this must go ...

 

These issues are very obvious to everyone here I know... But I was so deep in it... I started to blame myself and think I was the bad or disrespectful gf.

 

And now I realize... I was acting like his puppet

[stillafool]

Why haven't you blocked him from contacting you????

[pteromom]

I know that sounds bizarre but my ex BF spent SO much energy being around me or being in touch with me... That I am just stunned. My life is so vacant now. I realize that everything I did or didn't do... Revolved around him.

 

It makes sense that the quiet hurts. Even though it was very unhealthy, there's also a weird satisfaction that comes with someone putting so much energy into you. You must be important and loved if someone just needs you ALL the time and cares THAT much about what you are doing and where you are going, right?

 

So yeah... that feeling of being important is hard to let go of.

 

But you have to realize it is fake. His actions aren't due to some desperate love he feels for you, but are due to paranoia and a need to control what is outside of his control.

 

His own mind is his worst enemy.

 

When you are with your son, he gets some thought in his head that you are with another man. And when you don't answer, the surety grows, and grows, until he is basically in a panic that you are cheating.

 

Then he feels so angry at himself for panicking, that he lashes out at you, and accuses you and tries harder to control you, so that he doesn't have to feel all that again.

 

And typing this out, it is easy to feel sorry for him. To be that much a prisoner of your own fears must be just horrible for him.

 

But what is even worse than being a prisoner of your own fears is being a prisoner of someone ELSEs fears. You have to love yourself enough to just walk away from this.

 

He needs major help. Intensive therapy. That's his only hope for a normal life and a normal relationship.

 

You have to acknowledge the pain, and just keep walking away.

 

He is NOT capable of the kind of love you long for. Loving him will only lead to more pain. You have to keep walking away.

 

So this is a process.

 

I also realize now some of the things that have been said/done are truly off the charts crazy.

 

He was so upset that I wanted to spend time alone with my son... And if he texted or called while I was alone with him (son)... And I didn't respond in less than 5 minutes.. He started blowing up the phone.

 

"Babe.."

 

"BABE!"

 

"What is going on here.."

 

"Ok this is not good here.. ____"

 

And when I told him my son was getting annoyed with me always being on the phone or texting him... He said well he's just going to have to get used to it, because that's how this must go ...

 

These issues are very obvious to everyone here I know... But I was so deep in it... I started to blame myself and think I was the bad or disrespectful gf.

 

And now I realize... I was acting like his puppet

[anika99]

I am still stunned at all that has transpired and I think the quiet... Is painful in its own way.

 

I know that sounds bizarre but my ex BF spent SO much energy being around me or being in touch with me... That I am just stunned. My life is so vacant now. I realize that everything I did or didn't do... Revolved around him.

 

So this is a process.

 

I also realize now some of the things that have been said/done are truly off the charts crazy.

 

He was so upset that I wanted to spend time alone with my son... And if he texted or called while I was alone with him (son)... And I didn't respond in less than 5 minutes.. He started blowing up the phone.

 

"Babe.."

 

"BABE!"

 

"What is going on here.."

 

"Ok this is not good here.. ____"

 

And when I told him my son was getting annoyed with me always being on the phone or texting him... He said well he's just going to have to get used to it, because that's how this must go ...

 

These issues are very obvious to everyone here I know... But I was so deep in it... I started to blame myself and think I was the bad or disrespectful gf.

 

And now I realize... I was acting like his puppet

 

Yes it is a process to recover from an abusive relationship. I had a similar relationship many years ago. My ex was not as over the top as yours is but he was similar in the demanding all of my attention and freaking out every time I was out of his sight. He would be become furious when I didn't answer my phone or immediately respond to his texts and start accusing me of all kinds of sick stuff. Eventually he would become so furious with me he would completely cut me off and go totally silent on me. Whenever this would happen I would initially feel enormous relief and almost euphoric at finally being set free but then some weird lonely emptiness would engulf me and I'd find myself longing for his attention again. Looking back I'm ashamed of that but I had become trapped in his freaky upside down world and it was difficult to leave it behind because while his world was a scary place it also gave me some of my greatest highs and made me feel more alive than I had for years.

 

 

The emptiness and vacant space is only a phase and I promise you it passes. At first just living life in a normal way might feel rather drab and boring. You will miss the emotional highs and begin to think maybe those highs were worth suffering through the lows. Do not give into those feelings. Knuckle down and get through it. The longer you are away from him the better you will feel.

[me2me2]

I understand the paranoia that you are referencing -- that is very true. He just couldn't breathe without worrying about my whereabouts...or when we were going to be together again.

 

 

He smothered me -- but I loved it in a sick way. I mean he drove 6 hours a day sometimes just to come be with me...in my town.

 

 

It is bizarre yet extremely intoxicating - when someone loves you THAT much. But, you are right -- it can't be love -- it must have been obsession or fear that drove that...

 

 

He just couldn't let a day or 2 go by without being near me. That's why he was so adamant that I needed to move back to his house and quit "acting single" in my son's hometown.

 

 

The other interesting thing here...he knows that I have ZERO money. He knows that I have no way to get an apartment right now ....and that I'm in this horrible financial situation because of HIM. I took that unpaid leave of absence and after all my legal bills (induced by his anger/drama with my ex)...I have nothing.

 

 

And right now he does NOT know that I have my job back full time. He thinks I have zero ....and what does he do? NOTHING.

 

 

He cut off my access to credit card and sent me a 100 dollar money transfer....

 

 

That's it. So, he THINKS I have no job -- (thank the Lord that I do...and I'm working to hold onto it)... And he knows I have no place to live (except with roommate and only for 2 more weeks)....

 

 

And he KNOWS that I have more legal bills...and he gives me ZERO.

 

 

His answer was -- well, if you would have come on the ski trip and gotten engaged... (despite the fact that I told him I had to stay behind in case of emergency custody hearing with son)... you wouldn't be in this situation.

 

 

So that shows his character. He sends me 100.00 and he's done with me now ....

 

 

That shows how awful he can be...

 

 

 

 

 

 

It makes sense that the quiet hurts. Even though it was very unhealthy, there's also a weird satisfaction that comes with someone putting so much energy into you. You must be important and loved if someone just needs you ALL the time and cares THAT much about what you are doing and where you are going, right?]

[pteromom]

It is bizarre yet extremely intoxicating - when someone loves you THAT much. But, you are right -- it can't be love -- it must have been obsession or fear that drove that...

 

 

Right. Love is giving, not taking.

 

When you love someone, you want them to be happy and fulfilled and whole. Someone who loves you would never ask you to leave your son. Never. They would be appalled at the idea of causing you that much pain.

[me2me2]

I can see that -- as I distance myself more...I'm sure I will understand. But, I am still cloudy...

 

 

I think what is most telling to me...is that he knows I have no money. And he has not worked to help me in any way shape or form.

 

 

My GF thinks it's because he wants me to show up at his house and beg to come back....

 

 

But, obviously that won't happen...

 

 

And he REALLY thought it would be OK for me to be skiing with him --while my son could be the subject of an emergency custody hearing ? He said last night that his attorney told him I didn't need to be there... that I couldn't speak anyway....

[evanescentworld]

Heavens above! Nearly 400 posts, nearly 7,000 views.... and you're still here, dancing from one foot to the other? Incredible; it's taken so long - Sheesh, you must be exhausted....

[pteromom]

I think what is most telling to me...is that he knows I have no money. And he has not worked to help me in any way shape or form.

 

Well, from his point of view - if you are breaking off with him, why SHOULD he help you? He has no obligation to you - and thank the good Lord for that!!!! It will be much easier for you to get and remain free.

 

My GF thinks it's because he wants me to show up at his house and beg to come back....

 

Of course that is why. He is holding his money over your head hoping he can trap you with it.

 

And he REALLY thought it would be OK for me to be skiing with him --while my son could be the subject of an emergency custody hearing ? He said last night that his attorney told him I didn't need to be there... that I couldn't speak anyway....

 

Yes, because he is only interested in HIS needs being met. He doesn't care about you and your relationship with your son. He doesn't care if you aren't making it financially. He only cares that you need HIM and want to be with HIM. He only cares that he is getting your sex and attention and worship. And if he isn't, he is going to try to manipulate you into giving it to him, through money, an engagement ring, threats of restraining orders, false promises... anything he can think of. Because he doesn't like going without the sex and attention and worship.

 

He's a selfish pr**k. Do you not get that yet? You keep analyzing what he is saying and doing, looking for reason and logic. There IS no reason or logic there. He's a manipulator. A user. A snake. He's a taker. Making the mistake of giving yourself to him would be the biggest mistake you could make. He would take and take and take until there was nothing left, then he would move on to the next woman willing to sell her soul to him.

[me2me2]

This is all very true... I should say that the reason I point out that he isn't helping me get on my feet -- is because I told him that was my biggest fear. I told him that I couldn't quit my job without some sense of security. I mean I wouldn't even have healthcare and for a woman like me (miss independent for SO long)...it is terrifying. The first time we broke up ...it was because I feared that this could happen. That I would be left homeless etc if I didn't cater to his every move and fear. So, he promised me that he would NEVER leave me without money or a place to live no matter WHAT.

 

 

Guess what? He lied. He said it's because I was clearly cheating on him with a man...at dinner. Of course that is a dinner 2 hours after HE told me that he was ending things because I refused to go on his ski trip.

 

 

Anyway -- this is just more proof that he can not be trusted. The only way he will support me is if I am bowing down to his every move...and while that life is POSSIBLE -- It was the reason I bolted out when I did....

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, from his point of view - if you are breaking off with him, why SHOULD he help you? He has no obligation to you - and thank the good Lord for that!!!! It will be much easier for you to get and remain free.

 

 

 

Of course that is why. He is holding his money over your head hoping he can trap you with it.

 

 

 

Yes, because he is only interested in HIS needs being met. He doesn't care about you and your relationship with your son. He doesn't care if you aren't making it financially. He only cares that you need HIM and want to be with HIM. He only cares that he is getting your sex and attention and worship. And if he isn't, he is going to try to manipulate you into giving it to him, through money, an engagement ring, threats of restraining orders, false promises... anything he can think of. Because he doesn't like going without the sex and attention and worship.

 

He's a selfish pr**k. Do you not get that yet? You keep analyzing what he is saying and doing, looking for reason and logic. There IS no reason or logic there. He's a manipulator. A user. A snake. He's a taker. Making the mistake of giving yourself to him would be the biggest mistake you could make. He would take and take and take until there was nothing left, then he would move on to the next woman willing to sell her soul to him.

[Trimmer]

This is all very true... I should say that the reason I point out that he isn't helping me get on my feet -- is because I told him that was my biggest fear. I told him that I couldn't quit my job without some sense of security. I mean I wouldn't even have healthcare and for a woman like me (miss independent for SO long)...it is terrifying. The first time we broke up ...it was because I feared that this could happen. That I would be left homeless etc if I didn't cater to his every move and fear. So, he promised me that he would NEVER leave me without money or a place to live no matter WHAT.

 

 

Guess what? He lied. He said it's because I was clearly cheating on him with a man...at dinner. Of course that is a dinner 2 hours after HE told me that he was ending things because I refused to go on his ski trip.

 

 

Anyway -- this is just more proof that he can not be trusted. The only way he will support me is if I am bowing down to his every move...and while that life is POSSIBLE -- It was the reason I bolted out when I did....

It still concerns me a little bit that you talk about his support for you in the present tense: "The only way he will support me is if i am bowing down..." There should no longer be thought patterns about what "he will" do, if "I do" something.

 

There should be no more present tense, with respect to your relationship. You need to start putting this relationship in its proper place in your life: in the PAST.

 

Here's what I suggest as a small exercise. Rewrite the post above using only past tense. Tell us about what happened (past) in your relationship, not putting it in terms of what is happening now. Pretty much the only present tense factors that should come into discussion are "It is over." Or maybe anything your attorney is doing to shield you from the ex-BF. "My attorney is dealing with that."

 

So try it. Instead of "...he isn't helping me get on my feet..." you should be thinking in terms of "... he didn't help me get on my feet ..." It's over; it's in the past. Other than his obviously pathological and dangerous behaviors, there is no more "He is..." - only "He was..." or "He did..." You should be thinking of it that way. Try proofreading your posts (and more importantly, your thought processes!) to put things in the past that belong in the past.

 

Edited to add: I think you're making some progress, starting to focus on those stabilizing elements in your life (son, job, own place to live), and starting to see your ex-BF for the dangerous mess that he was in your life (see there? Past tense. He's not in it any more, is he?) I just hope you will make some conscious efforts to put him in the past, and reject any intrusion into your present and your future.

Edited January 27, 2015 by Trimmer

[me2me2]

I am working to stay very strong -- but I will say that I got an email from him telling me that he's on his trip and misses me -- and bought me a ticket to come tomorrow. (I already had one purchased - but he changed the date)

 

 

He begged me to come ..and then told me that I should just come despite the fact that my son could have a custody hearing this week. He suggested I just let the attorney handle it....He misses me SOOOO much...that I should just come!

 

 

And then I come to find out that he sent my belongings back from him home -- as directed by my attorney -- COD! He says that he will pay for it NOW -- but that he was angry before.... COD!!!!!!!!!!!! Even though I have NO MONEY! He thought I didn't have a job...and STILL did that to me.

It helps when I learn these things...because it helps me understand how ridiculous and selfish he is.