Movingforward2 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Man, most of us on this site have been there or adultery. My wife had a midlife about 18 months ago, and filed divorce. It was the single brutalist thing I've ever been through. I tried everything to try and make it work for my kids and us after realizing I did the same (no EA though). But at the same time, she made zero effort for the last couple of years to do anything with me that I considered fun. At the end of the day, she loves family time, but doesn't want a relationship with me. She is 38, and I'm 34. My situation started out the same way, and then after a couple of months communication opened back up. To be honest, you just have to accept it....which I still have a hard time doing. It will take some time to move forward, you will feel stuck in a rut....which we all have been through. I would encourage you to 1.) Get to a therapist 2.) Get into an exercise program 3.) Hang out with old friends and get out of your house! Google other things you can do to get your mind off of it. I hate my lifestyle now, but eventually it will get back to normal. I have ups and downs, and I've posted and read others stories. This website helps tremendously. Leave her alone. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do. You will slip up, but we all have. You have to make up your mind that she does not control your happiness. And I told myself in 2015, I'm not letting that happen anymore. Took me a year and a half to build up to do it, but I'm doing it. Everyone's timeline is different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 Yes this is the hardest period of my life. To be rejected by my wife at such a minutes notice via email over the holidays. So cruel to do this to our kids. I know there's nothing I can do, but in my situation I think completely ignoring her would simply accelerate her distance since she says she can't stand to be around me. But nonetheless I'm trying hard not to bother her unless it's about kid swapping. Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Just to give you a piece of advice.....you may listen, you might now. You will convince yourself that completely ignoring will not help you, and you should be able to communicate and if so that will "bring her back". We have all done it. Completely ignoring her is the thing you should do. I can tell you, that I have kept open communication over everything and it's done nothing but prolong me getting going forward. All it does is prolong the inevitable. If you really, want to try again, the best thing you can do is walk away. Because you will pressure to see her, call her, text her and ultimately that's what "you" want. Again, just some advice. I thought I could "beat it" and get through it to work things out, and you might have those thoughts. Best of luck through this tough time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 IMO, she has gotten legal advice and is acting on that advice now, I do believe that in a bit you are going to get served with divorce papers. I would retain an attorney ASAP and start the divorce proceedings, if she is going to turn around it can happen at anytime but at least if she doesn't you won't get whacked in court for not seeing this coming. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Yeah there is zero communication, if I try tio initiate anything she ignores it unless it is about the kids. She won't talk about anything else. Additionally she acts as if the whole thing has zero impact on her, and she could care less about this split. She's as happy as can be, always in a good mood, smiling, and just as if life is perfect. She truly seems unaffected completely. So I guess everyone opinion is that these are signs the door is shut forever? Remember that appearances and reality are two different things. She may be truly happy or she may not be. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I pretty much know she has no desire to reconcile. She told me she not only doesn't love me but can't stand being around me. Today, when swapping kids I asked how she has been doing and I got evil eyes. I tried to make small talk about kids and she would have no part of it. We've only been separated two weeks but I can tell the writing is on the wall...She's never coming back and I'm devastated The fact that you got "evil eyes" is a sign that she still has emotions and energy in you. This doesn't mean, necessarily, that she wants to reconcile or will reconcile. But a truly indifferent person would either smile back, say hello unaffectedly, or just not have any reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Additionally she acts as if the whole thing has zero impact on her, and she could care less about this split. She's as happy as can be, always in a good mood, smiling, and just as if life is perfect. She truly seems unaffected completely. So I guess everyone opinion is that these are signs the door is shut forever? allen, As someone who has been more-or-less on your wife's side of this two-sided (two sets of perspective) situation. Yes, it more than likely is that HER door ON YOU is shut forever. It is not, necessarily, that she thinks, feels, believes that the rest of her life is perfect at this point (although she might feel that way)...but it is that she think-believes-feels that, without you as another aspect of it, her life has a better chance of at least heading that way. That is, she had, and seemingly still has YOU as a rather major hindrance or obstacle to her being happier or having a "more perfect" life. What you are observing is her reaction to this sense of hers, that she is now "free" to pursue her something 'more'...however that is ultimately going to look and feel, for her. It does not necessarily mean that she is not also feeling or grieving the loss of her dreams that she had on the day that she married you. Only that she decided, at some point and for whatever her reason(s), that those dreams were no longer viable, realistic, reasonable to expect to come true...and so she made the necessary adjustments to her outer life, rather than giving up on those dreams of hers. If this can make sense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 She did tell me that she wasn't happy with me, and that she chooses to be happy so she's moving on and for me to move on. This was a few weeks ago. Since then she refuses all communication with me unless it's kid talk. Just last night we swapped kids, I sent her an email previous to this letting her know I have been attending therapy and really understanding how I hurt her over the years. I asked her if she even reads emails I send to her, she said she does read them, however she looked so annoyed that I was even trying to talk to her. She just wanted to get in get car and leave. Of course no response on the email, like always. And my email didn't ask her to do anything I just explained to her what I'm doing to try to better myself and gain insight into how she feels. After everything she's told me and done I'm sure it's hopeless, I just want to look back one day and at least know I tried as opposed to just zero communication on my part. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 whatever you do, do not beg cry or degrade yourself trying to have her back, you gotta be strong, or pretend to be strong. Focus on being a great dad, the best dad, and you will get thru it. Focus on yourself too, exercise, make some new personal goals This is your time to get reborn, think of it as an opportunity, one you didn't have a choice to make. Im in a very similar situation, 13 yrs, 3 kids, ages 2, 4 and 10, wife left almost 6 months ago, the first 3 months it was hell, picking up kids dropping them off, they kept asking if they could come back home, it gets easier, but still hard. Sadly, people fall out of love, they want to see what its like on the other side, and you cant do anything about it, there is no reasoning, the more you tell her she is making a mistake the more she wants to do it. Just let her be, let her live, let her experience, if you don't file for child support, start giving her whaever % the state requires you to and give her money orders to keep track. It stinks man, but shes made the choice. There are no guarantees in life, we don't know why we get put on the path we are in, but make the best of it. Link to post Share on other sites
clevelander321 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 She did tell me that she wasn't happy with me, and that she chooses to be happy so she's moving on and for me to move on. This was a few weeks ago. Since then she refuses all communication with me unless it's kid talk. Just last night we swapped kids, I sent her an email previous to this letting her know I have been attending therapy and really understanding how I hurt her over the years. I asked her if she even reads emails I send to her, she said she does read them, however she looked so annoyed that I was even trying to talk to her. She just wanted to get in get car and leave. Of course no response on the email, like always. And my email didn't ask her to do anything I just explained to her what I'm doing to try to better myself and gain insight into how she feels. After everything she's told me and done I'm sure it's hopeless, I just want to look back one day and at least know I tried as opposed to just zero communication on my part. Most likely another man is involved. Can she one day come back? It's possible.. The question is will you want her back when she does? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) After everything she's told me and done I'm sure it's hopeless, I just want to look back one day and at least know I tried as opposed to just zero communication on my part. Unfortunately, that is part of her current-day annoyance, allen. From her perspective, your all-of-a-sudden "trying" appears to be seen/felt by her as a negative. Only she knows what meaning she is giving it, of course, but for example, can be running along lines of: It's not a genuine or sincere caring about her and has come about only because YOU are all-of-a-sudden feeling unhappy, uncomfortable, out of sorts. Or. That, when you actually had the opportunity - during the entirety of your marriage - you did not do your part to ensure that both of you were happy, comfortable. Or. Now that she has made her difficult decision and taken steps to right her own tilting ship - which you were not interested in doing before she had to go to these drastic measures (is how she might be feeling it) - now, you're ready to "go to therapy" and "understand" and "communicate"??? (is how she might be feeling it). So, this here last piece, especially...is very annoying (and can be quite hurtful) to an estranged spouse. That is: "Why could he (or she) just not have done this when there was still time and desire for us to right our sinking ship, together???" At some point, and likely before she made the final move, she decided that she wasn't going to be taken in by any "shows of trying". The fear there is also that they would just be temporary shows...only until you felt that YOUR boat was once again stable and on-track. Even if not this, or not exactly like this, she still is messaging you quite clearly that she isn't interested and doesn't care what you are or are not doing, for your own self-improvement. I would offer, actually, to just withdraw. Keep to your program of therapy and gaining insights into your own behaviour/attitude in your marriage, but don't take any of it to her. *IF* (humongous *IF*) there is any hope at all, it will have to be found in the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" spectrum of feelings. I know it's difficult. I send you hugs. Edited January 12, 2015 by Ronni_W clarification 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 I appreciate your response. I am providing her details of my counseling and how I understand how she feels. I'm not asking her for anything. You feel this is still wrong? We are both religious as well, so I'm confused how to just move on from this. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I appreciate your response. I am providing her details of my counseling and how I understand how she feels. I'm not asking her for anything. You feel this is still wrong? We are both religious as well, so I'm confused how to just move on from this. How does she feel? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) I appreciate your response. I am providing her details of my counseling and how I understand how she feels. I'm not asking her for anything. You feel this is still wrong? Not "wrong"...just...not valuable. It's pushing her further away, going by her reactions to you. (It comes across that what you're doing is just irritating her - so, why would you keep doing that, in any case? You're just reinforcing her decision that you really don't care what she wants or does not want; that you only care to satisfy your own wants.) So, not "wrong"...just not a worthwhile/productive endeavour on your part; it's not furthering your goals of getting closer to her, or reestablishing some line of communication, or whatever is your actual goal. Speaking of which, you ARE asking her for something...otherwise, what is your real, true, deep-down purpose for communicating on these matters? You want her to...see you differently, see that you're trying, see that you want to make things right, see that you want your old life back; know that you "understand". Something; you are asking her for something. We are both religious as well, so I'm confused how to just move on from this.You move forward the same as all the others who have walked this path before you. Your pastor/priest and/or members of the congregation may be a valuable source for counsel and comfort. If there isn't one to join, perhaps even consider starting a faith-based divorce support group in your area. We do find ways to move forward...take small steps at a time, if that's what you can manage. Or, take a giant leap...even if it feels daunting. You get to listen to your own soul/wiser self, and follow your own heart. It feels crappy; all of this is just crappy. But there will be a "new normal", and it will feel okay. At the end of all of this, when you accept that new normal, it will feel okay. Hugs. Edited January 14, 2015 by Ronni_W 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Yeah I'm reaching my point where I'm going to cease all communications, but that is impossible with kids in the picture. She already wants it that way anyways, we have very little one word texts involving kid swapping. She told me plain enough, she is done and moving on and for me to do the same. So I guess i have no choice but to move on. This is the hardest time of my life, but I'm going to have to just suck it up, and work towards building a new life, one that is hopefully better. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Yeah I'm reaching my point where I'm going to cease all communications, but that is impossible with kids in the picture. She already wants it that way anyways, we have very little one word texts involving kid swapping. She told me plain enough, she is done and moving on and for me to do the same. So I guess i have no choice but to move on. This is the hardest time of my life, but I'm going to have to just suck it up, and work towards building a new life, one that is hopefully better. The fact that she has been perfectly clear about what she wants right now is actually good news for you in terms of the healing process. There is no limbo, no grey area, no questioning what her wishes are. She wants out. There's nothing you can do except let that happen. The sooner you accept that and begin to build your own life, the better off you will be. Remember to be good to yourself, good to your kids and make the best life you can for yourself and for them. That is where your focus should be right now, not on anything whatsoever to do with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 So we get into an argument yesterday around day care issues. Primary because if I disagree with any of her demands, it triggers a fight and potential of legal action instead of working through things ourselves. After I agreed to her terms, I had to tell her that I still don't believe this is in the best interests of our kids. And how I'm going to counseling and trying to fix things yet she doesn't appear to be doing anything. I asked her if she had zero intentions of ever trying to work this out, and her response was that she needs to get her head straight, figure out things for herself, and focus on caring for the kids. I then asked what that meant to figure this out and her reply was for her to understand why I had the emotional affair, how to move past it. And that she needs time and space to heal. I'm not sure how to take any of that except that I probably made mistakes even bringing it up, and that I'm merely some astronomically remote backup option for her incase whatever she has going on doesn't work out. I also then made the probable mistake of sending a long reply about how things can be different going forward if she ever decides to change her mind. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 So we get into an argument yesterday around day care issues. Primary because if I disagree with any of her demands, it triggers a fight and potential of legal action instead of working through things ourselves. After I agreed to her terms, I had to tell her that I still don't believe this is in the best interests of our kids. And how I'm going to counseling and trying to fix things yet she doesn't appear to be doing anything. I asked her if she had zero intentions of ever trying to work this out, and her response was that she needs to get her head straight, figure out things for herself, and focus on caring for the kids. I then asked what that meant to figure this out and her reply was for her to understand why I had the emotional affair, how to move past it. And that she needs time and space to heal. I'm not sure how to take any of that except that I probably made mistakes even bringing it up, and that I'm merely some astronomically remote backup option for her incase whatever she has going on doesn't work out. I also then made the probable mistake of sending a long reply about how things can be different going forward if she ever decides to change her mind. Any thoughts? You say she is "done" and then you write to tell her how different things will be if she comes back. I doubt that will entice her. Sounds like she has made up her mind, but is either planning to keep you as a "back-up" or has not yet decided to just say, once and for, it is over, get lost, etc... It will be interesting to see if she replies. But beware, you probably will not like her answer if she does. Link to post Share on other sites
NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 i feel your pain,my marriage and what went wrong is very like your situation, my wife also wont talk to me like you i also have children ....be the best dad you can be no matter what dont make the mistakes i have made and beg,cry,flowers,letters, etc belive me the pain from even more rejection cuts to the bone i have found out the hard way and i wouldn't wish the pain it causes on anyone Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 She just completely ignored it, just like past emails I sent trying to discuss anything about trying to fix things. She flat out only responds to texts regarding the kids Link to post Share on other sites
NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 She just completely ignored it, just like past emails I sent trying to discuss anything about trying to fix things. She flat out only responds to texts regarding the kids its crazy how things change and go down hill so quick, to talk only by text after everything just feels so empty,we both know how that feels 100% reading things we have both done the same in lots of ways how we have done things to try and fix things,and both got back nothing , i know your pain,i know how you feel, and trying to see things without the brain fog,and with support from the people here,i now have come to terms...there is NOTHING you can do to change it Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Allen Sorry for your pain but 35 year old women do not move out unannounced with no discussion and refuse to communicate if there is not another man involved. If she just wanted a divorce and had no one else lined up there would not be this stonewalling . Eventually you will find out there is another man at the bottom of this. And it was probably going on for some time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 She already though has moved on so far as to change her mail forwarding, buy new furniture, and just deleting money reserves on everything under the sun, from New wardrobe, hair, nails, you name it.... I am guessing for anyone whose had a reconciliation that taking these drastic measures in permanent lifestyle changes means there's no hope for us and she's gone for good The fact that she is redoing her appearance is a MAJOR sign that another man is involved. I can almost guarantee it. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 The fact that she is redoing her appearance is a MAJOR sign that another man is involved. I can almost guarantee it. Perhaps in this case, but not in every case...I moved out (am female) no affairs of any kind on either side, and getting some spa treatments, hair, etc felt important to me as a part of my new situation and self-esteem. My husband asked me to move, so maybe that makes it different-he had convinced himself I was having affairs. If I had been...I would have been doing those things before. But I also do not have any children. That, too, may make a difference. If a woman with kids decides her marriage is over (in my opinion) another man is probably involved, unless of course she was abused and at her wit's end. It is not easy to break up a family...the reasons are usually a matter of last resort or a new love. Link to post Share on other sites
NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 My wife ended my marriage and broke us up as a family and we have kids, And there was no other man,and stil isn't that a know more than anything. So it's not always the case that it's due to someone else. She has said she wants to be on.her own and is happy that way Link to post Share on other sites
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