Ex came back???

[BC1980]

She basically says she wants to take it slow, ]

 

This statement is the biggest red flag out there. I cannot tell you how many threads I have seen where the dumper has expressed this exact sentiment. It never turns out well.

[Simon Phoenix]

I understand what you are saying, and I used to think that way until I went through my own experiences and read so many threads on this board. I think one of the major problems with the OP's situation is that he has only been 2 months NC. I've just seen so many threads were the dumpee says "let's take is slowly and see where it goes." It's like a line right out of the dumpers handbook TBH. Sometimes, you have to experience it to believe it.

 

Yep, any time a dumper is trying to control the timetable for reconciliation that is a ginormous red flag. It's up to the dumper to work within the dumpee's timetable, not to try to dictate the terms. That being said, I'm not sure how relevant that is for this. The relevant thing is the fact that the dumpee is an absolute mess and really not capable of undergoing this process in any respect at this point.

[tikay00]

Update: long story. Basically, this isn't fake. She's in this for real, and was scared I'd get comfortable, and go back to my own ways, which is why she was hesitant to outright tell me.

 

And no, he didn't dump her. She was specific with everything. I'll tell the whole thing tomorrow.

 

I'm going all in on this one. This is from the last convo we just had.

[Aint_Easy]

This statement is the biggest red flag out there. I cannot tell you how many threads I have seen where the dumper has expressed this exact sentiment. It never turns out well.

 

eh why not. it's all about how the dumpee handles it. when my ex and i got together, we were best friends who suddenly started having serious feelings for each other. I was full in, she was scared. she said "let's take it slow" in my head I said "meh why not. I'll give her such a head spin she'll get over it". We were together 3 weeks later. I honestly feel like it was my cool attitude that made her decide "just kidding I don't want slow I want this now."

 

I know it is very different when you are exes, but if my ex said the same thing again I'd probably give her a "yeah whatever" and then give her every possible thought of "**** just kidding"

[st peter]

i think if you want her back you should tell her you love her, want her back and to be a better boyfriend.

you should then tell her that you only want her as a girlfriend, and if thats not possible could she leave you alone, and let you move on. you will NOT wait for her.

a) you force her to make a decision and face losing you.

b) you protect yourself from hurt, giving yourself a chance to move on.

c) you appear strong

d) she knows you love her and doesn't fear being rejected

 

horrible feeling, I'm sure the contact you have is a massive comfort, but if it goes on like this, it will only be doing you damage

 

if she loves you, she will realise and be unable to fight her feelings.

always dangerous to give hope, but i can't help but think your chances are good, at least some point down the line.

if you are lucky, be a better boyfriend as promised.

 

good luck mate

[Simon Phoenix]

eh why not. it's all about how the dumpee handles it. when my ex and i got together, we were best friends who suddenly started having serious feelings for each other. I was full in, she was scared. she said "let's take it slow" in my head I said "meh why not. I'll give her such a head spin she'll get over it". We were together 3 weeks later. I honestly feel like it was my cool attitude that made her decide "just kidding I don't want slow I want this now."

 

I know it is very different when you are exes, but if my ex said the same thing again I'd probably give her a "yeah whatever" and then give her every possible thought of "**** just kidding"

 

Yeah, comparing taking it slow for people who are dating for the first time vs. people who have already dated and broken up is apples to oranges ... not applicable.

 

That being said, there's nothing wrong with taking it slow if the dumpee chooses to. But the dumper can't dump the dumpee, then psuedo come back under the umbrella of "taking it slow" and trying to demand the dumpee move at the dumper's pace. That's dirty pool.

[Diezel]

She breaks up with you three months ago.

She gets another boyfriend.

She starts texting you.

She "dumps him" (Does it really matter?).

NOW she wants to take it slow?

SHE REACHED OUT TO YOU OP.

 

Red flags all over this one. I wouldn't. Dumper toying with a dumpee.

 

This, will not end well.

 

If she really dumped the guy, she's successfully set up a love triangle. If the guy dumped her, then she definitely set herself up perfectly.

 

The fact that she sent a Happy New Year's text on Jan 3rd, says a lot to me. SOMETHING happened that triggered the NC break and it's NOT good.

[tikay00]

eh why not. it's all about how the dumpee handles it. when my ex and i got together, we were best friends who suddenly started having serious feelings for each other. I was full in, she was scared. she said "let's take it slow" in my head I said "meh why not. I'll give her such a head spin she'll get over it". We were together 3 weeks later. I honestly feel like it was my cool attitude that made her decide "just kidding I don't want slow I want this now."

 

I know it is very different when you are exes, but if my ex said the same thing again I'd probably give her a "yeah whatever" and then give her every possible thought of "**** just kidding"

 

How'd everything workout? Feels like I didn't play it right, but feels like I did for my own sanity, and knowing what she wanted.

[Diezel]

How'd everything workout? Feels like I didn't play it right, but feels like I did for my own sanity, and knowing what she wanted.

 

Or insanity.

[tikay00]

She breaks up with you three months ago.

She gets another boyfriend.

She starts texting you.

She "dumps him" (Does it really matter?).

NOW she wants to take it slow?

SHE REACHED OUT TO YOU OP.

 

Red flags all over this one. I wouldn't. Dumper toying with a dumpee.

 

This, will not end well.

 

If she really dumped the guy, she's successfully set up a love triangle. If the guy dumped her, then she definitely set herself up perfectly.

 

The fact that she sent a Happy New Year's text on Jan 3rd, says a lot to me. SOMETHING happened that triggered the NC break and it's NOT good.

 

Yeah, she dumped him for me. I was the trigger for the NC break. Obviously I have to take her word for it, otherwise what am I gonna do?

 

I'm gonna just ride it out while giving effort. I'll see what happens, and keep u guys posted.

[BC1980]

Yeah, she dumped him for me. I was the trigger for the NC break. Obviously I have to take her word for it, otherwise what am I gonna do?

 

I'm gonna just ride it out while giving effort. I'll see what happens, and keep u guys posted.

 

Yeah, but even if she did dump him, she's just swinging back to you because her other option didn't work out. She's making a lot of choices in an emotional fog, which is a bad foundation to start a second chance. My gut feeling is that both of you would do well to step away from each other for some more time before making any major decisions.

[tikay00]

Yeah, but even if she did dump him, she's just swinging back to you because her other option didn't work out. She's making a lot of choices in an emotional fog, which is a bad foundation to start a second chance. My gut feeling is that both of you would do well to step away from each other for some more time before making any major decisions.

 

I get where you're coming from, but I've talked to her numerous times about that, and she tells me it was purely because of me. She said since the beginning of the relationship she was still thinking about me, and her heart really wasn't in it, because she couldn't get over me. She tried to use him as a band aid, and to stop thinking of me. She straight up said he was a rebound.

 

She dumped him on New years Eve, and was scared to call me on Jan 3rd, because she thought I wouldn't respond, or that I would tell her not to contact me.

 

I have to take her word for it. What else can I do? You guys keep telling me to just ride with it, but if I think it's BS, then that'll be impossible no matter how much time I take off of this.

 

I'm gonna put my effort into this, but with a somewhat guarded heart. I guess my mentality is, if it doesn't work out in the end, then at least I won't have regrets, and what ifs, even if my heart gets broken again. Also, maybe the more time I spend with her, it could finally show and tell me that she's not the right one (yes, I know she left, and that's a sign, but you know what I mean).

 

Giving this one last try. And I apologize for being such a wreck last night. I'm gonna focus on other things to not over analyze every little detail. Gonna take work, but I'll try.

 

Thanks for all the help, and guidance. MUCH APPRECIATED.

[BC1980]

I get where you're coming from, but I've talked to her numerous times about that, and she tells me it was purely because of me. She said since the beginning of the relationship she was still thinking about me, and her heart really wasn't in it, because she couldn't get over me. She tried to use him as a band aid, and to stop thinking of me. She straight up said he was a rebound.

 

She dumped him on New years Eve, and was scared to call me on Jan 3rd, because she thought I wouldn't respond, or that I would tell her not to contact me.

 

I have to take her word for it. What else can I do? You guys keep telling me to just ride with it, but if I think it's BS, then that'll be impossible no matter how much time I take off of this.

 

I'm gonna put my effort into this, but with a somewhat guarded heart. I guess my mentality is, if it doesn't work out in the end, then at least I won't have regrets, and what ifs, even if my heart gets broken again. Also, maybe the more time I spend with her, it could finally show and tell me that she's not the right one (yes, I know she left, and that's a sign, but you know what I mean).

 

Giving this one last try. And I apologize for being such a wreck last night. I'm gonna focus on other things to not over analyze every little detail. Gonna take work, but I'll try.

 

Thanks for all the help, and guidance. MUCH APPRECIATED.

 

Well, I do hope it works out for you, and I wish you luck. I don't think you need to apologize for the way you felt last night. You're entitled to have a lot of crazy feelings during all of this. That's normal.

[idoltree]

I do hope you are doing better today.

 

****! I did play it the wrong way, but at the same time, this was the only was I was gonna play it. I still think she was lying about being tired all day. I still feel like I'm gonna eventually give her the NC talk this week.

 

I also feel like a little of the resentment is brought back since I gave her the talk today. She said it was fully gone yesterday, but maybe I ****ed up royally tonight.

 

Here's my last thing. I'm gonna risk my heart. I'm gonna put my everything into this, even if it means me getting burned, and even if it means I'm thinking too much. I'm gonna treat it like a new relationship, even though I kind of F'd up, but whatever. I'm gonna give it my all. If I get broken again, I have no regrets.

I copied the above from the end of one of your post-call posts last night. I didn't alter anything about it.

 

Take a good hard look at it, and note that you are all over the place. You contradict yourself within a few sentences. This is why you - you as individual - should never ever make decisions in a panic.

 

In the future, if you are panicking, do nothing. Sit on your hands, don't go anywhere near a phone or computer, and do nothing.

 

As for how this is going to turn out, I don't know. As others have said, it seems odd, but perhaps her intentions are good. If you wait to see, then you'll find out.

 

I have to say that I don't like that she dumped the other guy on NYE. Who does that? Dumping someone on a holiday seems unnecessarily cruel and makes me concerned about her character. Also, was it not totally over with him? If she dumped him on NYE, why was she having a closure talk with him yesterday? She left a door open to him in case things didn't work out with you?

[BC1980]

I do hope you are doing better today.

 

I copied the above from the end of one of your post-call posts last night. I didn't alter anything about it.

 

Take a good hard look at it, and note that you are all over the place. You contradict yourself within a few sentences. This is why you - you as individual - should never ever make decisions in a panic.

 

In the future, if you are panicking, do nothing. Sit on your hands, don't go anywhere near a phone or computer, and do nothing.

 

As for how this is going to turn out, I don't know. As others have said, it seems odd, but perhaps her intentions are good. If you wait to see, then you'll find out.

 

I have to say that I don't like that she dumped the other guy on NYE. Who does that? Dumping someone on a holiday seems unnecessarily cruel and makes me concerned about her character. Also, was it not totally over with him? If she dumped him on NYE, why was she having a closure talk with him yesterday? She left a door open to him in case things didn't work out with you?

 

OP, this is really good advice. It seems to me that both of you are all over the place and making decisions from a high, emotional and confused place. Step back, and take some time.

[tikay00]

I do hope you are doing better today.

 

I copied the above from the end of one of your post-call posts last night. I didn't alter anything about it.

 

Take a good hard look at it, and note that you are all over the place. You contradict yourself within a few sentences. This is why you - you as individual - should never ever make decisions in a panic.

 

In the future, if you are panicking, do nothing. Sit on your hands, don't go anywhere near a phone or computer, and do nothing.

 

As for how this is going to turn out, I don't know. As others have said, it seems odd, but perhaps her intentions are good. If you wait to see, then you'll find out.

 

I have to say that I don't like that she dumped the other guy on NYE. Who does that? Dumping someone on a holiday seems unnecessarily cruel and makes me concerned about her character. Also, was it not totally over with him? If she dumped him on NYE, why was she having a closure talk with him yesterday? She left a door open to him in case things didn't work out with you?

 

It wasn't in a cruel way. They weren't really even talking as much as that point, because she started to close off before then. New Years is when he asked her if this is a break, and she said yes.

 

He was outside her house at that point, and he was asking if there was anything he could do. She said no, and told him it was over for good. It was just like our last convo.

[tikay00]

OP, this is really good advice. It seems to me that both of you are all over the place and making decisions from a high, emotional and confused place. Step back, and take some time.

 

I don't have the energy to type out exactly what was said last night, but it was real this time. No BS'ing.

 

I sent her a text this morning to have a good day, and she said you too. I'm just gonna act like I would with anyone I love.

 

She said her fear was that I'd get comfortable, and take her for granted again.

 

I know you guys are calling her out for saying she shouldn't put all the blame on me, but she's not. She understands it was both sides, and I did hurt her more than anyone ever has. I know what I did. She was scared to invest her heart, and me break it again. It's not the normal dumper comes back to guy that treated her with nothing but love. It's a 2 way street in this situation.

[Diezel]

I think you think your situation is REALLY unique. It's not, and that's what myself and a myriad of other posters are trying to warn you about... but you seem to be pretty set on what you want to do.

 

So go for it. Some people learn only through proper experience.

 

But there will come a time (if you get back together), that she might want to pull the trigger and ditch you again. You ready for that?

 

Because think about it... if she REALLY dumped him for you, then what is it she needs to take her time for? Why go slow? And you don't find it curious at all that after everything that "you put her through", she immediately found a rebound guy, already dumped him, and is now talking about getting back with you on HER terms?

 

Yeah, world of hurt you are in for.

 

I hope for your best, but you should be preparing for the worst.

[tikay00]

I think you think your situation is REALLY unique. It's not, and that's what myself and a myriad of other posters are trying to warn you about... but you seem to be pretty set on what you want to do.

 

So go for it. Some people learn only through proper experience.

 

But there will come a time (if you get back together), that she might want to pull the trigger and ditch you again. You ready for that?

 

Because think about it... if she REALLY dumped him for you, then what is it she needs to take her time for? Why go slow? And you don't find it curious at all that after everything that "you put her through", she immediately found a rebound guy, already dumped him, and is now talking about getting back with you on HER terms?

 

Yeah, world of hurt you are in for.

 

I hope for your best, but you should be preparing for the worst.

 

I completely understand where you're coming from. Trust me, I'm not delusional. I'm gonna go all in, but not to the point of being bind slided. I'm gonna be myself (the good me), but I'm going to proceed with caution.

 

Yeah, I can get burned, but I'm already in this. I'm not gonna tell her NC again. If I get burned, NC forever with the knowledge that FOR SURE its over, and I need to move on forever.

 

I'll update you guys along this journey. Most likely when I'm being paranoid, and panicky. But I'm gonna try not to be, and just sit on my hands when I do feel that.

 

Oh yeah, PS, I even brought that up to her!!! I asked her if she dumped him for me, then why aren't you dying to talk yo me on your day off, and why aren't you all in? She said she's still scared. Yeah, I know, could be BS, but what else can I do than take her word for now. I'm done over analyzing (I still will a little). I'm gonna ride with it.

[FortunateSon]

OP, I don't buy that she dumped him for you. It was a way for her to spin it and gain favor with you. Proceed very carefully, I was in a similar situation and it didn't end well...

[tikay00]

OP, I don't buy that she dumped him for you. It was a way for her to spin it and gain favor with you. Proceed very carefully, I was in a similar situation and it didn't end well...

 

Her text responses take way longer than before, and it's her day off. I told her to add me on Instagram, and she hasn't responded, and it's been 40 minutes. On average she texts back like 40-50 minutes later recently. Before, it was at most 5 minutes.

 

Yeah, somethings fishy. Also, her and her ex's FB profiles are both deactivated. I asked her why she deactivated her FB, and she says she's tired of social media. Had me thinking, maybe they got into an argument about some type of online flirting, or something like that.

 

Everything was great last night (she finally opened up, and told me what she wanted), but today everything seems fishy as hell. I know I know, I'm over thinking again, but reading these replies, I know some of you guys have been through the same thing, so I'll take caution.

 

What happened in your situation? How did it end, and how much more painful was the heart ache, or was it less intense?

[KBarletta]

I know I know, I'm over thinking again, but reading these replies, I know some of you guys have been through the same thing, so I'll take caution.

 

Yes, by all means, proceed with some caution. But you know you really need to stop timing how long it takes her to respond and how often she messages you vs. how often you message her, what she's doing on social media, etc.

 

I know it's an LDR so it's hard to know exactly what's going on, but you can't obsess over things this much, like it taking 40 minutes for her to add you in IG. Really. I think you know this, but I got the feeling that you were proceeding into the same territory you found yourself in last night, overthinking and overreacting and assuming. You need to just let things happen organically and keep your expectations (even your expectations of how long it should take her to text you back, etc.) on the back burner.

[tikay00]

Yes, by all means, proceed with some caution. But you know you really need to stop timing how long it takes her to respond and how often she messages you vs. how often you message her, what she's doing on social media, etc.

 

I know it's an LDR so it's hard to know exactly what's going on, but you can't obsess over things this much, like it taking 40 minutes for her to add you in IG. Really. I think you know this, but I got the feeling that you were proceeding into the same territory you found yourself in last night, overthinking and overreacting and assuming. You need to just let things happen organically and keep your expectations (even your expectations of how long it should take her to text you back, etc.) on the back burner.

 

You're right. I just wish I could have the same care free, and smooth mentality I had when I first met her. Even last night, I asked her what she wanted, and she said for me to be me. Never been in a situation where I've actually tried to rekindle something with an ex, and when people say it's hard, it's so damn hard from the dumpees side. The trust factor is the big one, and especially since it's long distance.

[KBarletta]

You're right. I just wish I could have the same care free, and smooth mentality I had when I first met her. Even last night, I asked her what she wanted, and she said for me to be me. Never been in a situation where I've actually tried to rekindle something with an ex, and when people say it's hard, it's so damn hard from the dumpees side. The trust factor is the big one, and especially since it's long distance.

 

 

That's why time is your friend and you shouldn't jump back in too soon. It may already be too soon for you two, but that ship has sailed, so you have to deal with reality.

 

Still, do yourself a favor and give yourself other things to think about, other things to do and concentrate on during your day. This will serve three purposes: One, you won't obsess over her all day. Two, when you DO talk to her, you will have other things to talk about besides the heavy conversations about where your relationship is headed. And three, it will make you more interesting and attractive because you are doing things with your life that don't revolve around her.

 

Have you read about the 180? Some of those principles might do you good right now. I suggest you look it up if you haven't already.

[tikay00]

That's why time is your friend and you shouldn't jump back in too soon. It may already be too soon for you two, but that ship has sailed, so you have to deal with reality.

 

Still, do yourself a favor and give yourself other things to think about, other things to do and concentrate on during your day. This will serve three purposes: One, you won't obsess over her all day. Two, when you DO talk to her, you will have other things to talk about besides the heavy conversations about where your relationship is headed. And three, it will make you more interesting and attractive because you are doing things with your life that don't revolve around her.

 

Have you read about the 180? Some of those principles might do you good right now. I suggest you look it up if you haven't already.

 

Thanks, I sure will.

 

Also, she still hasn't responded to my text. NC until she replies back, or calls me? I'm not gonna chase her.

Edited January 7, 2015 by tikay00