Ex is engaged

[Zapbasket]

Your ex is absolutely enraging. Do you have a friend who can...I dunno...poop in his yard or something? I'd like to see HIS equilibrium thrown off for a change.

 

The thing is, though, that with narcissists you either assume the role of victim or victimizer. There is no in-between ground with a narcissist. The only way you can "get back" at a narcissist is to do something so awful to him or her that it would be outside what you, and other normal people, would find morally acceptable.

 

Reading other people's comments and similar experiences, maybe you SHOULDN'T send him a note asking him to leave you alone forever. Narcissists are used to having a trail of exes who hate them. They clearly get off on that as a form of "attention" and "caring" on the part of their exes, because otherwise they'd feel compelled to change their behavior.

 

Ugh. I'm stuck with how best to advise you. I really want to see you take a stand against him. At the same time, I don't want any action you take to backfire, where he twists it all around in his head as some kind of compliment. You know him best. If you feel he did truly have some genuine feeling for you, when you look back over the relationship, then maybe telling him to bugger off would give you some upper hand and sting him a little bit, while also making him go away. But otherwise, perhaps some third-party vengeance might be just the ticket. Something he can never trace back to you, and something that makes his life just a bit uncomfortable. Could a friend of yours whom he doesn't know drop, say, a dead skunk down his chimney? Another thing would be to drop a block of frozen fish in his front-door mail slot when he is out of town. It would fester in his foyer among all the mail and he would come home to some serious STINK. Something like that. Immature? Perhaps. But sometimes you just have to give in to those urges.

 

I support you in whatever you decide to do. But don't do anything for HIM or to protect HIS feelings. Do what suits YOU best and will empower YOU.

[tuxedo cat]

Just looking for a little advice and support. Last week, my ex sent a second package to my parents' house. It contained 2 birthday cards that were from 2012, both given to me by family members. The ex sent a note that said he found them while cleaning out his house. We had previously discussed that I didn't want anything from his house. It's not necessarily what the package contained but the fact that I don't want him to send this cr@p. He doesn't know where I live at the moment, which is why he sent the stuff to my parents' house. A similar package arrived last summer. My question: Do I tell him to stop? Last summer, I never acknowledged the note and package. I thought it would just go away. I just don't want to receive random packages anymore.

 

Also, I was on FB, which is so rare for me anyway. I almost never get on FB, and the first thing that pops up is a picture of my ex and his new fiance at what I'm guessing is some sort of couple's wedding shower. Scared the sh*t out of me to be honest. The ex doesn't use FB as far as I know, and I blocked his fiance months ago. Still, we have several mutual friends due to working together, and the mutual friend was the one who posted the pic. There's no point of telling this other than to vent and just state how weird it was to see the pic. I guess it just hurts that people who I consider friends commented on and liked the pic. I know how freaking immature and stupid FB is, and it all means nothing. Still, it hurt me a little. Maybe this is another reason that I need to get off FB. I've deactivated the account several times only to reactivate.

 

It sounds like he's rubbing it in your face. By sending you the packages he's reminding you of his existence. And his ego is probably inflated at the moment because of the engagement.

 

Yes, tell him to stop. Say, "[EX], we previously discussed that I didn't want to be receiving packages from you. Please stop sending them."

[BC1980]

Thanks for the responses from everyone. I think what's most upsetting is the fact that I'm revisiting this cr@p. You know what else upset me? That some of my friends on FB liked that picture. How immature is that? I see that logically, it doesn't matter, and it's freaking stupid. I've preached that to other people on this site, but it did sting a bit. Most of the people who liked the pic aren't genuine friends but simply acquaintances.

 

I guess it also just enraged me to see him happy in a picture when the past year has been so difficult for me. I mean, the reality is that I've known he didn't suffer much over our breakup, but seeing it made it real. I know, I know, it's just one picture, and a picture is not reality. But shouldn't he get some sort of punishment? I'm leaning towards not sending any email to ask him to stop sending packages because I feel that it will just play into his games. I think the best way to proceed is to continue disengaging from the game.

[minimariah]

That some of my friends on FB liked that picture.

 

girl, deactivate your FB.

 

don't think about him, don't think about his packages. who cares what he sends? he is out of your life, time for you to move on. he can send an elephant to the Moon if he wants to... you shouldn't care, AT ALL.

 

let go & let God, karma or universe or whatever you believe in deal with him. he isn't your business anymore. he is happy with someone else and you will be happy with someone else, too.

 

so focus on happy memories and stop thinking about him, his feelings, who likes what, who thinks he is happy, who likes his picture... like, literally... who cares about that dude.

[lil hoodlum]

I still say you should show up to the wedding unannounced and when the minister asks if there is any reason why these two people should not marry, stand up and say your peice in front of the whole congregation. Tell everyone what he had done to you and all that you have suffered because of him. It will forever taint his "special" day and will surely give him a black eye in front of everyone he "cares" about.

[lil hoodlum]

 

I guess it also just enraged me to see him happy in a picture when the past year has been so difficult for me. I mean, the reality is that I've known he didn't suffer much over our breakup, but seeing it made it real. But shouldn't he get some sort of punishment?

 

 

 

I also work with my ex. The past two and a half years have been the most difficult for me. I have faced one obstacle after another in my recovery. And yes, I know life isn't fair, but it sucks that one person can cause another so much heartache, pain, and suffering and they just walk away from it all and life is just golden for them.

 

 

Please don't misunderstand me, I wouldn't wish all the pain and suffering I have gone through on anybody, including my ex. But it doesn't seem right that they just walk away without any ill affects all the while someone else suffers because of their actions.

 

 

All I can do is just keep moving forward even if it is an inch at a time.

[FancyFace]

If he falls on the malignant side of narcissism, then BC, you know that he doesnt feel anything except boredom, emptiness and rage. Every other emotion is what he sees other people portray and he simply mirrors it. So with you, he was mirroring and pretending. Because that is his default setting, then you should know that in those "happy" pictures with the new woman, he is mirroring and play acting. And if his mask hasnt slipped yet, it will slip eventually and that poor woman will be either be crawling on the floor after a cruel discard or running for her life.

 

With these type of people it is so easy to forget how they operate because us normal people cant fathom certain things but you have to try remember it always. His punishment is just being him, being the empty pathetic vessel that he is that gorges on other peoples souls and good nature to feed himself but no matter what, he is a bottomless pit. Thats his punishment.

 

Try not to punish yourself by dwelling on things you simply cannot change. You cant change what happened, who he is, what he will do, what other people think of him. All you can change is yourself and your outlook on the entire situation so try focus on that. Also the people who liked the pic dont know what a monster he is, they just see a pretty picture, like it and move on with their day not even thinking twice. Dont make it bigger than it really is.

 

I would also advise that you do not engage with him at all. If he is so happy why is he bothering you with ridiculous things like birthday cards? Thats a classic narc hoover. He could be doing it for a multitude of reasons. Ego boost, ish has already started to go left with the new woman, as the narc he is he wants to keep you hoarded on his stock pile of pining miserable exes and he cant afford to have you move on. Whatever the reason, it just spells danger for you.

 

Don't take the bait or else you will honestly live to regret it.

[FortunateSon]

I would continue to ignore BC. I just received a package from my narcissistic/borderline ex out of the blue, followed by an email a week later wanting me to confirmation that I received it and a birthday wish, the first contact I have directly received in over a year. I have ignored and will continue to do so. Sure enough after mentioning this to a friend, they looked and saw she just got engaged. Engaged twice in 2 years...I think it's safe to safe that I dodged a bullet!

[Cupid's Puppet]

I'm late to the party, but do not contact him in any way! You said he does not have your address but your parent's address. Just tell your parents to throw away anything that comes from him and to make sure not to tell you about any packages he sent. That way you can still see no evil and hear no evil.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Your ex is absolutely enraging. Do you have a friend who can...I dunno...poop in his yard or something?

 

I know a guy. Let me make a few calls.

 

BC, your ex may be a raging narcissist blowhard who needs to know he still has power over you. Or he may be seeking your forgiveness by hoping you'll eventually tell him you're fine and he's not to blame. It could be a little from column A and a little from column B.

 

My Worst Ex was a forgiveness-seeker; he clearly felt guilty about it and after a long time with no contact he popped up again with the most patronizing garbage I have ever heard. He obviously wanted me to be all smiles and friendly warm fuzzies, happy to see him again. I politely replied by explaining I was over him but not remotely over the damage he did, and if we were going to be "friends" it would not involve treating me like a child. Later a mutual friend told me he was mortified. It just blew my mind that he had some idea of how much he'd hurt me, but still expected me to be ambivalent and even forgiving of it. Yeah, right.

 

Facebook is a whole new dimension of etiquette minefields. Hitting the "like" button is a meaningless gesture of acknowledgment except when it's actually a passive-aggressive dig with multiple layers, and who knows which is which? It might be wise to avoid Facebook for a while. Just remind yourself that it's not worth getting caught up in what people are and aren't doing. Your friends love you no matter what, so who cares if they "like" a picture of him and his fiancee?

 

You know you're better off without him. Keep to your routine and keep ignoring his overtures. Don't acknowledge them at all. Focus on your awesome, lovely self. If anything, be proud of how far you've come since you first broke up and be proud that you don't care.

 

Your post struck a chord with me, although I'm on the opposite side of things. My boyfriend dated his last girlfriend for almost four years. They were never engaged, but they lived together for about two and a half years and they had a large, solid social circle. As time passes, it's occurred to me that I'm doing the things his ex would have done---wine tastings, birthday parties, manicures with the girls, etc---with her friends. I am my own person and my relationship with him is unique, but I'm fully aware that a part of me is living what used to be her life. It's strange.

[minimariah]

Your post struck a chord with me, although I'm on the opposite side of things. My boyfriend dated his last girlfriend for almost four years. They were never engaged, but they lived together for about two and a half years and they had a large, solid social circle. As time passes, it's occurred to me that I'm doing the things his ex would have done---wine tastings, birthday parties, manicures with the girls, etc---with her friends. I am my own person and my relationship with him is unique, but I'm fully aware that a part of me is living what used to be her life. It's strange.

 

i wonder how does she feel about it.

did she move on, was the break up friendly or ugly?

 

it would be so weird to me if my friends started hanging out with my ex & his new partner - luckily, my friends were always just... mine. i never had much of the mutual friends with any of my partners.

[BC1980]

I still get a trickle of pointless things sent me from my ex. I don't acknowledge it. 'Found these socks of yours'

 

It's crazy isn't it? Who would mail some socks? Glad to know I'm not the only one who is the recipient of this weirdness.

[BC1980]

Your ex is absolutely enraging. Do you have a friend who can...I dunno...poop in his yard or something?

 

I support you in whatever you decide to do. But don't do anything for HIM or to protect HIS feelings. Do what suits YOU best and will empower YOU.

 

Okay, the first part made me laugh. I think that toilet papering someone's yard would be really devilish because it's a mess to clean up. I wouldn't do that though.

 

I've decided not to respond and to continue NC. I feel like that is the most empowering path for me to take. I need to prove to myself that I don't value his opinion any longer. I feel that there is nothing positive to be gained my contacting him.

[BC1980]

I also work with my ex. The past two and a half years have been the most difficult for me. I have faced one obstacle after another in my recovery. And yes, I know life isn't fair, but it sucks that one person can cause another so much heartache, pain, and suffering and they just walk away from it all and life is just golden for them.

 

 

Please don't misunderstand me, I wouldn't wish all the pain and suffering I have gone through on anybody, including my ex. But it doesn't seem right that they just walk away without any ill affects all the while someone else suffers because of their actions.

 

 

All I can do is just keep moving forward even if it is an inch at a time.

 

I'm so sorry that you work with your ex. I think I've done pretty well with it so far, but I haven't asserted as strong a boundary as I would like. I don't even see him that often, which is good. I'm kinda trapped because the other hospital in the area that I would consider working at. . . . well, his fiance works there. So it would be like jumping from the frying pan and into the fire. There is a third hospital, but it's not known to be a good work environment.

 

Something interesting is that a lot of people at work have never liked my ex. I'm talking about just people in general that I don't even know well at all. People always wondered why I would date him and what I saw in him.

[Gatema]

Just looking for a little advice and support. Last week, my ex sent a second package to my parents' house. It contained 2 birthday cards that were from 2012, both given to me by family members. The ex sent a note that said he found them while cleaning out his house. We had previously discussed that I didn't want anything from his house. It's not necessarily what the package contained but the fact that I don't want him to send this cr@p. He doesn't know where I live at the moment, which is why he sent the stuff to my parents' house. A similar package arrived last summer. My question: Do I tell him to stop? Last summer, I never acknowledged the note and package. I thought it would just go away. I just don't want to receive random packages anymore.

 

Also, I was on FB, which is so rare for me anyway. I almost never get on FB, and the first thing that pops up is a picture of my ex and his new fiance at what I'm guessing is some sort of couple's wedding shower. Scared the sh*t out of me to be honest. The ex doesn't use FB as far as I know, and I blocked his fiance months ago. Still, we have several mutual friends due to working together, and the mutual friend was the one who posted the pic. There's no point of telling this other than to vent and just state how weird it was to see the pic. I guess it just hurts that people who I consider friends commented on and liked the pic. I know how freaking immature and stupid FB is, and it all means nothing. Still, it hurt me a little. Maybe this is another reason that I need to get off FB. I've deactivated the account several times only to reactivate.

 

 

Yes, that's how I found out that my ex had remarried. While looking at FB , and like you, it's not a common thing for me to do. But one evening a few months back I was reading through the different postings and then I saw it. Running across the center of the screen in the "People You May Know" ad, there it was, first picture, the new Mrs.(blank).

 

I can only assume that since we both share the same last name now, FB was kind enough to add this person to my friend request list. Hmmm, how thoughtful.

 

I'm not going to lie, once I got over the initial shock of seeing her face, and then her married name, it stung. The return of those old familiar feelings, the good ones, as well as, all the bad memories, were able to reappear in a matter of minutes. So a big ugh; managed to screw up the rest of my evening. Thanks FB!

 

However, this confirms to me one thing for sure. It really doesn't matter how far one has moved on, or if there has been significant progress that has been made in the recovery for getting through a difficult breakup; setbacks are still possible.

 

I hear, and I feel ya, on so many of the same issues that you have gone through.

Edited March 8, 2015 by Gatema

[BC1980]

I would also advise that you do not engage with him at all. If he is so happy why is he bothering you with ridiculous things like birthday cards? Thats a classic narc hoover. He could be doing it for a multitude of reasons. Ego boost, ish has already started to go left with the new woman, as the narc he is he wants to keep you hoarded on his stock pile of pining miserable exes and he cant afford to have you move on. Whatever the reason, it just spells danger for you.

 

Don't take the bait or else you will honestly live to regret it.

 

I think you are right. I will regret ever contacting him again. When we were together, he would often make the point that he was "friends" with all his exes. I guess the narcissistic harem? I know that he texted the woman he dated before me at least once during our relationship. I also found it weird how he wanted to keep all kinds of mementos I had given him. He transcribed all of my texts to him into a Word document to keep after we broke up. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that said good things about him.

 

I don't think he's a malignant narc, but I do feel that he has very strong narcissistic traits. I think the consistent lack of empathy was the most striking and obvious characteristic. And I mean lack of empathy in most situations, not just dealing with me. He has a general inability to grasp human emotions, and he mimicked what he thought was the correct emotion/action. For instance, he would buy me roses on Valentines and then make the comment that "was what he was supposed to do." You could tell there was no meaning behind it. When listening to music or watching movies, he was so unaffected and didn't "get it." It's hard to quantify, but you can just tell there is something missing.

[BC1980]

Yes, that's how I found out that my ex had remarried. While looking at FB , and like you, it's not a common thing for me to do. But one evening a few months back I was reading through the different postings and then I saw it. Running across the center of the screen in the "People You May Know" ad, there it was, first picture, the new Mrs.(blank).

 

I can only assume that since we both share the same last name now, FB was kind enough to add this person to my friend request list. Hmmm, how thoughtful.

 

I'm not going to lie, once I got over the initial shock of seeing her face, and then her married name, it stung. The return of those old familiar feelings, the good ones, as well as, all the bad memories, were able to reappear in a matter of minutes. So a big ugh; managed to screw up the rest of my evening. Thanks FB!

 

However, this confirms to me one thing for sure. It really doesn't matter how far one has moved on, or if there has been significant progress that has been made in the recovery for getting through a difficult breakup; setbacks are still possible.

 

I hear, and I feel ya, on so many of the same issues that you have gone through.

 

I think that if you are human, you will feel something. You can become indifferent to a point, but there is always that history there. Even exes from years ago, I honestly don't know how I would react if I saw one of them face to face. I barely think about them at all, but those memories would still get triggered.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

i wonder how does she feel about it.

did she move on, was the break up friendly or ugly?

 

it would be so weird to me if my friends started hanging out with my ex & his new partner - luckily, my friends were always just... mine. i never had much of the mutual friends with any of my partners.

 

Oof, I could go into it but I'm not gonna hijack this thread. Suffice it to say it was pretty ugly and she moved to a different continent.

 

I think after four years it's hard not to have a lot of mutual friends, and many of them are still very close to my boyfriend. Some of the girls have started inviting me to parties and events without our men. It's great, but I feel self-conscious sometimes and wonder if they think of me as a homewrecker, a man-stealer, or something similar. Then I have to be careful of what I say on Instagram (I'm not on FB) because we now share mutual friends. If I had Facebook I'd probably be losing hair from the stress. I don't see any way for BC to completely block any possible mentions of her ex and his fiancee so it's probably wisest to disable the account altogether for a while.

 

In conclusion, when I think about social media and dating I pray for an apocalypse to knock out the electrical grid.

Edited March 8, 2015 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[minimariah]

Some of the girls have started inviting me to parties and events without our men. It's great, but I feel self-conscious sometimes and wonder if they think of me as a homewrecker, a man-stealer, or something similar.

 

i know the feeling.

but i don't think they do - if they did, they probably wouldn't invite you to all ladies hang outs. & it's nice of you that you're being considerate when it comes to social media. those things are always... tricky and someone will always see something that will set them off.

 

social media can definitely be a blessing and a curse.

 

and i'm really curious about the break-up now, LOL.

Edited March 8, 2015 by minimariah

[BC1980]

Facebook is a whole new dimension of etiquette minefields. Hitting the "like" button is a meaningless gesture of acknowledgment except when it's actually a passive-aggressive dig with multiple layers, and who knows which is which? It might be wise to avoid Facebook for a while. Just remind yourself that it's not worth getting caught up in what people are and aren't doing. Your friends love you no matter what, so who cares if they "like" a picture of him and his fiancee?

 

The bolded is so true. I think I'll just stay off it for awhile. With the wedding coming up. I really don't want to risk seeing any pics, and FB truly adds little to my life. The thing is that the mutual friends we have aren't even real friends. They aren't people I would go to lunch with, bare my deepest secrets, ask for emotional support. They are people that are more like acquaintances that I would say "hi" to if I saw them at the grocery store. It's silly, and I think it's mainly my ego talking, wanting people to dislike him. But what does it matter anyway? The truth is that a lot of people where we work have never cared for him. They just see him as an arrogant and anal. I think he also might have OCD when it comes to work.

 

I guess the whole situation is surreal to me in some ways.

[Michael 93]

Well, today I found out that my ex is engaged and getting married in March. . . . to a women he apparently knew when we were together. I don't know if there was cheating, but I always had a feeling something was up. I feel relieved. I was so scared he would try to come back, and I wouldn't be strong enough to resist. I was so scared he would pull me back in, and I wouldn't be strong enough. It's finally over.

 

I also want to take this post as an opportunity to encourage everyone to go NC that has not already done so. At this time, I'm able to handle this information and feel relieved. If this had been 6 months ago, I would have been an absolute mess. I stayed NC and am happy to say that is the reason I was able to extricate myself from this situation. I was able to become emotionally free because of NC. I'm not completely indifferent, but I'm close. I love everyone on LS who has followed my story, and I cannot express the appreciation I have for everyone's support. This forum has absolutely played a huge role in my ability to cope and move forward.

 

People, please go NC! Do it before you find something like this out. NC has paid dividends in the long term.

 

 

 

Woah BC, I've been off for a bit but this was a bit of a bombshell to come back to! Hope you are well.

[BC1980]

Woah BC, I've been off for a bit but this was a bit of a bombshell to come back to! Hope you are well.

 

It kinda took me by surprise, but then it wasn't really shocking in the end. The timing is really shady, and I always felt like there was something else that precipitated the breakup. I'm pretty much okay. Mostly just some anger, but I'll take that over loving him.

[LadyM]

Great decision not to contact him. I know how tempting it is to respond, but that is what he's hoping for. He would not be sending you items of little consequence without wanting something in return.

 

When I was with my narcissist, nothing would hurt him like the hurt of no response from others. He spoke of it often saying that no response is a response of the most hurtful kind. It was very hard for him to cope with the non-response. So, what gives your ex the most discomfort is your silence.

 

I think that his reaching out to you by mailing back the items is a call for your attention and response. If he's so happy with the new gal, he wouldn't be desiring communication with you.

 

Also, if it is any comfort to you, my narcissist had been married a couple times and had one broken engagement, and with each attempt at marriage, he was always uncertain whether or not to marry the girl, even on the very day of each wedding, but went through with it anyway and hoped for the best. So what you see in a FB photo can falsely reflect what may be really going on in his head about the relationship.

 

I really do understand how upsetting and hurtful all this can be. It's so hard dealing with people who think and feel so differently than ourselves. But it seems like you handle things in a smart way. You're doing terrific!

Edited March 16, 2015 by LadyM

[totenkopf]

This really sounds like my situation regarding my ex gf. We were planning to get married four months after she left me and two months later she is in a relationship with a bouncer at her work then engaged to him after six weeks of their relationship. He even sent me a picture of the ring on her hand really hurts but the joke is on them really I think becoming engaged after not even 2 months is rather pathetic and putting it on facebook just seems like such a childish little display

[BC1980]

Great decision not to contact him. I know how tempting it is to respond, but that is what he's hoping for. He would not be sending you items of little consequence without wanting something in return.

 

When I was with my narcissist, nothing would hurt him like the hurt of no response from others. He spoke of it often saying that no response is a response of the most hurtful kind. It was very hard for him to cope with the non-response. So, what gives your ex the most discomfort is your silence.

 

I really do understand how upsetting and hurtful all this can be. It's so hard dealing with people who think and feel so differently than ourselves. But it seems like you handle things in a smart way. You're doing terrific!

 

I truly feel that I made the right decision by not contacting him. Every time I thought about what I would write to him, all of this negativity starting coming at me. Just the idea of it was dragging me back into the past. It was actually making me angry because he was on my mind. It was so tempting to contact him because I thought about just telling him how I really felt about him. After our breakup, I never told him what I truly thought about him, about how terrible he treated me. I had the idea that this might have been that chance, so I did write him a letter. BUT I deleted it. I got it out of my system but never sent it.

 

It felt really good to make the decision not to contact him. I'm feeling so positive that I didn't let him get the best of me and that I was able to realize that any contact would have only proven that I do still care what he things. And even though I might care somewhat, I needed to move further to a place where he just doesn't matter. I can have my thoughts and feelings about him, and I can share those on LS and with friends who support me. I don't need to share those thoughts with him because he is no longer (and never was) a safe place for me to share my feelings. He never emotionally supported me in the relationship, and I never felt safe to share my feelings. So he sure as heck isn't going to support my feelings outside of the relationship. If anything, I think the entire relationship and breakup have taught me not to invest in people who don't care. People who don't value you.

 

It is upsetting because I think how different his thought patterns are than mine. At the end of the day, it's toxic. Even if we had gotten married, it wasn't healthy. There would always have been friction, and I would have always felt like I couldn't be who I was. I value different things in life than him. I remember once getting into a discussion with his sister about what would his ideal partner, and it was all superficial. Things like someone who is athletic, smart, has a good career, dresses nicely, likes to travel. When I thought of my ideal partner, things like someone I can trust, someone who supports my decisions, someone I can confide in, came to mind. That was a warning sign I should have heeded.