Marriage w/o being in love for life?

[thecharade]

Wow.

This is me, my husband, my life. 100%.

I have been addressing it since I was 43, and I am now 48. He has been in IC and we have done some MC for the last two years. Things have gotten better, but my husband always slips back again.

 

We call it a parent/child marriage.

My husband is an obedient, kind, handsome child. I have tried to be "attracted" to that child for my entire marriage, and it never worked.

 

My husband is depressed because assertiveness is so foreign to him. I am depressed because I have felt no passion in my marriage, pretty much ever. I love him so much and don't want him to touch me.

 

Stay or go?

I fear that if I stay, I will drown in loneliness.

We are together, but I have also felt alone, without an equal.

 

If you figure it out, please let me know.

[still_an_Angel]

 

We call it a parent/child marriage.

My husband is an obedient, kind, handsome child. I have tried to be "attracted" to that child for my entire marriage, and it never worked.

 

My husband is depressed because assertiveness is so foreign to him. I am depressed because I have felt no passion in my marriage, pretty much ever. I love him so much and don't want him to touch me.

 

Stay or go?

I fear that if I stay, I will drown in loneliness.

We are together, but I have also felt alone, without an equal.

 

If you figure it out, please let me know.

 

 

This was my M too, my H was too dependent on me, leaving all the household decisions to me. We weren't equals in the M, bedroom and otherwise. I did communicate with him about my adventurous and kinky side, but I got turned down many times my spirit eventually went down with it. We are now separated and I think it was the best course for us. He didn't have it in him to be an aggressor so it never worked for us (just talking about the sexual side of things here). There are many other issues as well but this thread is about love and passion.

 

 

I am now happy and content in my relationship, I found my corner in a D/s relationship with a man who meets my needs and strives to give me what I ask for. The passion is well and truly alive and I look forward to my days with optimism. But I am paying a price for being in a relationship with him which I take because of the fulfilment that I get.

 

 

So I guess theCharade and OP have a lot to figure out and make a choice. Life is too short to live like a half-dead, not many have complete and fulfilling relationships, in my case, I searched and found the one who fulfilled me sexually and emotionally, but he is not mine.

[GirlStillStrong]

When you had this issue at 32 were you married? And do you not have this issue now or how did you get past it? From your experience, is this possible "stage" of mine something that I will get over where I will find my H sexually attractive again? I know you don't have answers but I'd just like to hear your opinion since you know what I'm talking about.

No, as I said, I never married because I could never commit. I historically get in relationships but always find that one major thing that I just cannot tolerate, that totally turns me off, and end it or move on after a couple years.

 

But no, it started w my BF at about age 32, and it was frustrating, a real struggle for me. But I truly loved him as a person so I overlooked it. But as I moved forward with life, he remained pretty passive and that got old for me so eventually I moved on. He found someone who is a better match for him and I believe he is happy now.

 

I've never resolved this issue of mine, the falling out of being attracted to them after I try to live with them. IDK if it is something I can ever get past but relationships have just not ever been that rewarding or satisfying for me.

 

You may be going through a stage but I don't think it can be defined as the "unattracted to my husband stage." I'm not sure that is something that just goes away and comes back. You must have been attracted to him before. It's pretty common for people to say they stopped being attracted to their spouses after having kids. It's apparently something you need to cultivate. I think this is where truly loving a person is supposed to come into play and the relationship evolves into something new.

[Tocook]

Wow.

This is me, my husband, my life. 100%.

I have been addressing it since I was 43, and I am now 48. He has been in IC and we have done some MC for the last two years. Things have gotten better, but my husband always slips back again.

 

This is what my H and I have debated at length. I think a persons true nature is hard to change and it's almost unfair for us to ask them to. My H thinks that he became the agreeable H to make me happy and it's a mindset that he can change. Needless to say, he's the optimist one. But I'm willing to give it a chance. But 5 years of addressing the issue is a long time. You're a very patient woman.

 

We call it a parent/child marriage.

My husband is an obedient, kind, handsome child. I have tried to be "attracted" to that child for my entire marriage, and it never worked

.

 

Ours is more of a brother/sister relationship. But I also don't want to have sex with the brother type.

 

Stay or go?

I fear that if I stay, I will drown in loneliness.

We are together, but I have also felt alone, without an equal.

 

i don't want to be in a marriage where I feel lonely. Where I have someone sitting in the same room as me or laying in the same bed but feel an emptiness. No one to have a fun conversation or share things with. That's a lonely life. Is it better to actually be alone or to be in a marriage where you feel alone. I don't know but I'm going to post something on another forum asking for advice on rekindling Fire in a marriage. With children in the picture and such a good man, I have to try.

[GirlStillStrong]

Wow.

This is me, my husband, my life. 100%.

I have been addressing it since I was 43, and I am now 48. He has been in IC and we have done some MC for the last two years. Things have gotten better, but my husband always slips back again.

 

We call it a parent/child marriage.

My husband is an obedient, kind, handsome child. I have tried to be "attracted" to that child for my entire marriage, and it never worked.

 

My husband is depressed because assertiveness is so foreign to him. I am depressed because I have felt no passion in my marriage, pretty much ever. I love him so much and don't want him to touch me.

 

Stay or go?

I fear that if I stay, I will drown in loneliness.

We are together, but I have also felt alone, without an equal.

 

If you figure it out, please let me know.

When you find a marriage where the woman does not complain that her husband is a child and she is the parent, let us know. If he defers to you, you're ahead of the game. How would you like the kind who thinks, acts, and makes decisions (that affect you and the entire family) like a child but who believes he is the mature one, thinks he is the boss (what I call "King Baby"), does not listen to you, etc? Or the one who is passive aggressive and defers to you but then does **** behind your back like have affairs? Why they can't cooperate, be equals, work in partnership, etc, I have no idea.

 

This is exactly the reason I never married. Because I have never met a woman who was happily married. I keep saying it but wishing I am wrong, but my perspective is, we are all alone. If you don't want to be lonely, make friends with people who enjoy doing the same things as you. You have to have a full and complete life without a man.

[GirlStillStrong]

This was my M too, my H was too dependent on me, leaving all the household decisions to me. We weren't equals in the M, bedroom and otherwise. I did communicate with him about my adventurous and kinky side, but I got turned down many times my spirit eventually went down with it. We are now separated and I think it was the best course for us. He didn't have it in him to be an aggressor so it never worked for us (just talking about the sexual side of things here). There are many other issues as well but this thread is about love and passion.

 

 

I am now happy and content in my relationship, I found my corner in a D/s relationship with a man who meets my needs and strives to give me what I ask for. The passion is well and truly alive and I look forward to my days with optimism. But I am paying a price for being in a relationship with him which I take because of the fulfilment that I get.

 

 

So I guess theCharade and OP have a lot to figure out and make a choice. Life is too short to live like a half-dead, not many have complete and fulfilling relationships, in my case, I searched and found the one who fulfilled me sexually and emotionally, but he is not mine.

So he's married?

[GirlStillStrong]

Ours is more of a brother/sister relationship. But I also don't want to have sex with the brother type.

 

Totally get this. That's how my longest relationship was. We were definitely brother/sister. But let me ask you something. When you have a real problem, does he actually ask you what is bothering you? If you cry about something, is he the guy who makes you sit down and talk to him so he can try to understand? Because that is the kind of guy who truly loves you. And THAT, my dear, is so very difficult to find. Most guys couldn't give a damn how you feel or what they might be doing that is hurting you.

 

Don't want to have sex with the brother type? How about the sociopathic type? He is the most selfish and assumes you will just do whatever needs to be done to accommodate HIM, his wants, his needs, his schedule, his children, his bad habits, whatever. How about the married kind? The one who will always put you second? Or dead last? How about the one with erectile dysfunction? Or non-existent libido? How about the one with a drug or alcohol problem who not only is unpredictable sexually but who also sleeps around while intoxicated and can't understand what your problem is with this? How about the one who isn't like a brother but acts like sex is a game? Or the one with size issues? Or the one who can't, or won't, put you first, sexually. Or the one who sleeps around and picks up STDs? How about the one who doesn't have a job? Or is a cheapskate? Or turns out to be gay and using you as a cover? Do you want me to keep going?

Edited December 28, 2014 by GirlStillStrong

[Tocook]

My H truly does does for my feelings and well being. However, he does not recognize when I need help. Even if I ask for help or am blatantly upset, he feels helpless and does not know what to do. I've gotten pretty good at solving my own issues and not depending on him for it. I know there's A LOT of not so good and down right horrible men out there which is another reason I'm trying to work things out with this good man. But again, it doesn't feel right to be lonely in a marriage.

[Tiger Lily]

Marriage is a covenant bound by vows. You gave your word. I hope you see the benefit in honoring that commitment. Because the risks of breaking your marriage up include finding another man and, down the line, recreating the same dynamics you have in your marriage now (you dominating the relationship and then getting frustrated when the man doesn't step up). You may find another guy, but you'll still be you.

 

Plus, the kids don't deserve the chaos a divorce would create.

 

I know you feel alone. But honestly, you're not alone in that feeling. Many couples experience similar things, but keep trudging along, and eventually they reap the benefits of working through their problems and not throwing everything away.

[kenmore]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/507563-no-papers-yet

 

Are you the same tiger lily that was on WN?

 

I posted that link because coincidentally I just wrote it and it aligns with what you said!

 

Cheers!

 

Ken

[kenmore]

My H truly does does for my feelings and well being. However, he does not recognize when I need help. Even if I ask for help or am blatantly upset, he feels helpless and does not know what to do. I've gotten pretty good at solving my own issues and not depending on him for it. I know there's A LOT of not so good and down right horrible men out there which is another reason I'm trying to work things out with this good man. But again, it doesn't feel right to be lonely in a marriage.

 

Tocook, I do feel for your plight.

 

Men react differently. We really do try and feel we are doing the best we can, so to find it's not enough is painful.

 

If he feels helpless to understand you and you recognize that, then it's up to you to understand him. I can't know your dynamic, but from my own perspective and my own relationship, I tried so hard to fulfill my wife's needs, and she filed for divorce because I guessed wrong.

 

I told her I was completely shocked by her action and she couldn't believe I was so ignorant. Mind you, I consider myself an intelligent man and so does she, so how did this happen?

 

I was friggin blind! I just couldn't understand what she needed (I feel she didn't communicate it to me well enough and misled me, and that was a lot of the problem.)

 

Key fact-

 

learn to communicate properly. That IS DEFINITELY the biggest issue married people have. Get counseling, read online, just goddamn learn how to talk, but please don't end a marriage over something so stupid! And it is stupid. Talking is what makes us humans, embrace it!

 

And, good luck to you!!

 

Ken

[Tiger Lily]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/507563-no-papers-yet

 

Are you the same tiger lily that was on WN?

 

I posted that link because coincidentally I just wrote it and it aligns with what you said!

 

Cheers!

 

Ken

 

Not me. Not even sure what WN is. But that poster sounds like a very smart poster!

[GirlStillStrong]

My H truly does does for my feelings and well being. However, he does not recognize when I need help. Even if I ask for help or am blatantly upset, he feels helpless and does not know what to do. I've gotten pretty good at solving my own issues and not depending on him for it. I know there's A LOT of not so good and down right horrible men out there which is another reason I'm trying to work things out with this good man. But again, it doesn't feel right to be lonely in a marriage.

 

Tocook, honey, NO MAN knows what you need and then fulfills it. And if he does fulfill a particular need of yours in a particular area, it is because that particular thing is what he preferred or wanted to do in the first place, NOT because he is doing it solely to please you. They live their own lives, separate from you, with their own drives and motivations that aren't regulated by your existence, your marriage, or your desires for how he behaves. Most of them see only what is the bare minimum necessary to remain in a relationship with you and will do nothing additional no matter how you ask. If this guy is willing to go to therapy or marriage counseling to do some self-reflection and improve communication with you, you're ahead of the game. Most men do not want to improve themselves or anything else for that matter. They just want to be them and do what THEY like.

 

You SHOULD be getting good at solving your own issues, because there is NO man who is going to do that for you to the degree or in a way that is going to make you happy. The kind of guy who solves your issues for you is the kind who is going to take over your life and your home and make your decisions for you. And trust me, it really sucks to have your life controlled by someone else.

 

But no, it's not fun to be lonely in a marriage but what are you doing to change that? Have you really examined your expectations of him and of the marriage? Are you lonely because he is a dog, out running around with other women? Or doing only guy stuff and not including or inviting you? Are you lonely because he works too much and leaves you alone too much? Why exactly do you feel lonely?

 

And of course he feels helpless and doesn't know what to do about your problems and issues; that's how men are. You have to tell them EXACTLY what you want them to do to help you. And you have to be specific. They are not going to instinctively know what you want or need unless they just so happen to have that same want or need themselves. And seriously, what makes you think it is someone else's job to make you happy or do your bidding or solve your problems? Is this just some expectation that was created in your mind based on what you thought you saw growing up? At least the guy you married is self-reflective and man enough to TELL you how these things make him feel. And at least this man is actually capable of HAVING and recognizing feelings of helplessness. They are more limited, emotionally, than I think you are aware.

 

I think you're comparing him to some ideal man maybe in your head, which is easy to do because it sounds like you don't have a lot of experience with different guys. But hey, maybe I am wrong. Maybe you would be able to leave your marriage and find this great guy who is a perfect match and can read you like a book and proactively anticipates your wants, needs and desires and takes a lot of care to fulfill those for you, who will treat your children like his own etc etc. Maybe I am just cynical because I pick the wrong kind of guys for me over and over again.

 

I think maybe you need to get you and your husband out in social situations where you can see him interacting with other, attractive, women. Get both of you out of Mommy-Daddy-Responsibility mode.

[GirlStillStrong]

I know there's A LOT of not so good and down right horrible men out there which is another reason I'm trying to work things out with this good man. But again, it doesn't feel right to be lonely in a marriage.

I just want to point out one more thing. These "horrible" guys, the ones I've listed, are real guys. And there are no readily distinguishable signs of horribleness in their facades. It's not until you actually get close to them, are intimate with them or live together, that you can tell they are this way. You CANNOT tell by their profession. These are average, everyday guys you would meet at work, the grocery store, the mall, wherever. They are "normal," middle and upper middle class guys. Some have no college degree, most bachelor's and some are executive level managers or have a professional degree. Regular, attractive, fully capable men, not ogres or trolls living under bridges.

Edited December 28, 2014 by GirlStillStrong

[stillafool]

OP also the men you desire the Alpha male type normally go for submissive type women because they are so masculine they want the ultra feminine women. You being a strong woman will not appreciate being ordered around by some He-man after the great sex is over. The sex will no longer be what's important to you and you will long for your current husband who lets you be an equal partner in your marriage.

[DSP]

It takes an amazing person to do that DSP and please don't apologize for taking the time to respond to my post. I think I was where you were at when I married my husband, seeing his beauty from within and his potential for being a leader in the family and in business. That part, I do believe I had blurred goggles on.

 

Thank you Tocook.

 

Unfortunately the person I chose to love didn't or doesn't understand that I wanted her I didn't need her and there is a fundamental difference between those two.