Author Cobaltius Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 Hmmm, well that is a bit different. Have you ever suffered from panic attacks? They are physical symptoms that manifest from mental anxiety. In other words, a person ends up working themselves up that it becomes a very real physical reaction such as high heart rate, shortness of breath/tight chest and numbness in limbs. The coffee part is curious though. I don't know what to make of that but caffeine is a stimulant and effects people in various ways. As for how to know if your instincts are right/how do you know when something is off, that's a really tough one to answer. What I initially was going off of was you having a seemingly perfect partner and still not being happy. Is there any time when you are with her that you can pinpoint when these feelings really creep in? A mannerism she might have, a certain word, a look? Those might be triggers of something in you that makes you feel anxious and not necessarily the relationship itself. They come in randomly and she doesn't do anything to trigger them. I'm not happy because I keep stressing myself out over what the feelings are, I notice if I read something online about this that is positive or I view as important it puts me in a way better mood, at the end of practice I always seem to be in a happier mood for some reason. Theres nothing in the relationship at all thats making me feel unhappy at all.. A matter of fact this relationship itself is very healthy. A matter of fact I've spent more time thinking about what the hell I've been feeling than the relationship and obsessing over garbage on the internet that cause me more fear and anxiety. Can you have anxiety in your head but be completely calm physically? As far as anxiety I don't get panic attacks, more like slight anxiety attacks, where I feel rapid heart, shortness of breath weak limbs and ect. when a situation is bad like, lets say for an example I lost my cheat sheet for a big test or something and the test is in 30 min. But I am a very anxious and sometimes on the edge person who over thinks situations and over analyzes everything. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 They come in randomly and she doesn't do anything to trigger them. I'm not happy because I keep stressing myself out over what the feelings are, I notice if I read something online about this that is positive or I view as important it puts me in a way better mood, at the end of practice I always seem to be in a happier mood for some reason. Theres nothing in the relationship at all thats making me feel unhappy at all.. A matter of fact this relationship itself is very healthy. A matter of fact I've spent more time thinking about what the hell I've been feeling than the relationship and obsessing over garbage on the internet that cause me more fear and anxiety. Can you have anxiety in your head but be completely calm physically? As far as anxiety I don't get panic attacks, more like slight anxiety attacks, where I feel rapid heart, shortness of breath weak limbs and ect. when a situation is bad like, lets say for an example I lost my cheat sheet for a big test or something and the test is in 30 min. But I am a very anxious and sometimes on the edge person who over thinks situations and over analyzes everything. You are calmer after practice because you have released endorphins which is a chemical in your body. It gives you a high, a positive feeling. Runners call it "runners high" and yup, it is the reason you feel better after swimming. Yes you can have anxiety without having any physical symptoms. Stressing about and analyzing will cause more stress which in turn causes you more anxiety. A vicious circle. What it sounds like though it that you have always been this way and this relationship is now something to focus your anxiety on. A "new" thing to stress about, if you will. Do you deep down think it is the relationship itself or your anxiousness in general that is causing you such distress? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cobaltius Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) You are calmer after practice because you have released endorphins which is a chemical in your body. It gives you a high, a positive feeling. Runners call it "runners high" and yup, it is the reason you feel better after swimming. Yes you can have anxiety without having any physical symptoms. Stressing about and analyzing will cause more stress which in turn causes you more anxiety. A vicious circle. What it sounds like though it that you have always been this way and this relationship is now something to focus your anxiety on. A "new" thing to stress about, if you will. Do you deep down think it is the relationship itself or your anxiousness in general that is causing you such distress? It could be the relationship but I don't see a reason why.. It could just be me stressing over the relationship and questioning everything. I did question a lot at the beginning, I questioned my feelings, doubted my feelings, and had a few doubts but she again didn't do anything to cause the doubts. Still these doubts have been proven wrong... (I might have just been scared at the beginning) If the relationship is causing me anxiety should I take a long break to kind of let things and all this anxiety fade away and kind of "fix myself" Edited December 18, 2014 by Cobaltius Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 It could be the relationship but I don't see a reason why.. It could just be me stressing over the relationship and questioning everything. I did question a lot at the beginning, I questioned my feelings, doubted my feelings, and had a few doubts but she again didn't do anything to cause the doubts. Still these doubts have been proven wrong... (I might have just been scared at the beginning) If the relationship is causing me anxiety should I take a long break to kind of let things and all this anxiety fade away and kind of "fix myself" You said that not being in this relationship would cause you anxiety as well. Before doing anything drastic with your relationship, would you be willing to talk with a medical doctor about a plan of action to relieve your anxiety in general? As a random stranger, to me it sounds like the relationship isn't the problem but it is amplfying your already existing anxiety that has been there for a while. If you weren't so anxious all the time, it would give you more clarity regarding your relationship. Am I making any sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cobaltius Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 You said that not being in this relationship would cause you anxiety as well. Before doing anything drastic with your relationship, would you be willing to talk with a medical doctor about a plan of action to relieve your anxiety in general? As a random stranger, to me it sounds like the relationship isn't the problem but it is amplfying your already existing anxiety that has been there for a while. If you weren't so anxious all the time, it would give you more clarity regarding your relationship. Am I making any sense? Well my relationship is causing my anxiety but that's because I'm over thinking everything and looking up stuff on the internet obsessively which all appear negative which cause me to think more and more, plus reading the stuff makes me anxious inside my head and puts me into distress. I have managed it a lot better lately and started to reduce the over thinking, but I am still anxious but a lot less. And no outside of the relationship I wouldn't feel anxious. Im feeling anxious about it because Im thinking way to much and I'm desperately looking for more answers with a dozen of questions I have. I just have a cloud of "helplessness" and frustration over my head which is putting me in a anxious state. Sorry about that other answer lol Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Well my relationship is causing my anxiety but that's because I'm over thinking everything and looking up stuff on the internet obsessively which all appear negative which cause me to think more and more, plus reading the stuff makes me anxious inside my head and puts me into distress. I have managed it a lot better lately and started to reduce the over thinking, but I am still anxious but a lot less. And no outside of the relationship I wouldn't feel anxious. Im feeling anxious about it because Im thinking way to much and I'm desperately looking for more answers with a dozen of questions I have. I just have a cloud of "helplessness" and frustration over my head which is putting me in a anxious state. Sorry about that other answer lol I should have asked you earlier but are you young? I ask because maybe part of the anxiety is that you aren't ready for a serious relationship right now. Earlier you mentioned you could see yourself settling down with her so maybe that is stressing you out. Do you think that could be it? I'm just throwing out ideas here. You must feel raked over the coals by me. Like you, I analyze and search for meaning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cobaltius Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) I should have asked you earlier but are you young? I ask because maybe part of the anxiety is that you aren't ready for a serious relationship right now. Earlier you mentioned you could see yourself settling down with her so maybe that is stressing you out. Do you think that could be it? I'm just throwing out ideas here. You must feel raked over the coals by me. Like you, I analyze and search for meaning. I'm 17. Yup pretty young. Sometimes I actually feel fear when thinking about her in my future.. Normal for my age? If I'm not ready does that mean I have to leave her? Edited December 18, 2014 by Cobaltius Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cobaltius Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) I should have asked you earlier but are you young? I ask because maybe part of the anxiety is that you aren't ready for a serious relationship right now. Earlier you mentioned you could see yourself settling down with her so maybe that is stressing you out. Do you think that could be it? I'm just throwing out ideas here. You must feel raked over the coals by me. Like you, I analyze and search for meaning. Like I need to really know though if it is my instinct saying shes not right for me or something? If so there would have to be experience behind that right? Because I've read people saying when they dated something didn't feel right and there instincts says there not good for them ect. And thats what scares me to death, there's no reason for it not to be right... Edited December 18, 2014 by Cobaltius Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I'm 17. Yup pretty young. Sometimes I actually feel fear when thinking about it.. Normal for my age? If I'm not ready does that mean I have to leave her? I should have asked your age upfront. That's very normal at your age. Thinking about long term plans for a future would cause anybody your age a tremendous amount of anxiety. So where does that leave you? Well, you should have a long talk with her. That doesn't mean the end of the relationship as long as you are both on the same page. If she wants a serious commitment and you want to slow things down, then it won't work but it is possible she might want to slow things down as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cobaltius Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) I should have asked your age upfront. That's very normal at your age. Thinking about long term plans for a future would cause anybody your age a tremendous amount of anxiety. So where does that leave you? Well, you should have a long talk with her. That doesn't mean the end of the relationship as long as you are both on the same page. If she wants a serious commitment and you want to slow things down, then it won't work but it is possible she might want to slow things down as well. Thanks What about those feelings? I can get them without even thinking about commitment. Any idea's? I do wanna say these feelings cause me to feel fear towards the relationship. I feel fearful on getting to close to her emotionally sometimes even though I am still very close. Its as if I have some sort of fear towards intimacy or something. I even feel fear on the thought of committing to her sometimes... Im just worried the relationship is wrong and something is telling me inside, even though I have no evidence to support that its wrong... Edited December 18, 2014 by Cobaltius Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Thanks What about those feelings? I can get them without even thinking about commitment. Any idea's? I do wanna say these feelings cause me to feel fear towards the relationship. I feel fearful on getting to close to her emotionally sometimes even though I am still very close. Its as if I have some sort of fear towards intimacy or something. I even feel fear committing to her sometimes... Im just worried the relationship is wrong and something is telling me inside, even though I have no evidence to support that its wrong... Your age plays a huge factor in all of this. Your anxiety is because things are moving very fast in your mind. If you re-read your first post, you are putting so much pressure on yourself to make this relationship progress and at one point you mentioned she might be "the one" and could see marriage in the future. That is an extraordinary stress on somebody so young. That isn't fear of intimacy or fear of getting close to her emotionally......that's how it's supposed to be at your age. Your mind is telling you woah, slow down there. No wonder you have been feeling like you have. I really thought you were about 25-30 so that's why I thought it might be other underlying issues. At 17, everything you are feeling is totally normal. Talk with your girlfriend. It isn't fair to her if she wants all in from you and you have these reservations. On the flip side, it is unfair to you to put yourself through this much stress. She might be feeling the same stresses about things moving too fast. You two need to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cobaltius Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 Your age plays a huge factor in all of this. Your anxiety is because things are moving very fast in your mind. If you re-read your first post, you are putting so much pressure on yourself to make this relationship progress and at one point you mentioned she might be "the one" and could see marriage in the future. That is an extraordinary stress on somebody so young. That isn't fear of intimacy or fear of getting close to her emotionally......that's how it's supposed to be at your age. Your mind is telling you woah, slow down there. No wonder you have been feeling like you have. I really thought you were about 25-30 so that's why I thought it might be other underlying issues. At 17, everything you are feeling is totally normal. Talk with your girlfriend. It isn't fair to her if she wants all in from you and you have these reservations. On the flip side, it is unfair to you to put yourself through this much stress. She might be feeling the same stresses about things moving too fast. You two need to talk. Yeah we've already talked about it, I just didn't know what it was, I thought they were gut feelings and stuff... Thanks for the help. Buts like sometimes I can't talk to her because of these feelings they creep up on me and I prevents me from being close to her and even wanting to talk to her. I never felt like this with anyone else though, could it be because this one is more serious than my others because of that connection I have something in me waving red flags because something in me is scared, scared of the unknown, scared of the future and how things will turn out? Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 OP, you're young and still developing which explains a lot of these "nebulous" feelings. I would encourage you to reevaluate how you think about people. You seem extremely focused on perfection, both in others and yourself. It's great that you're an achiever and want to do great things. Relax. Life serves up a lot of scenarios that you will be unprepared for and that are beyond your control. You can "train" as much as you want. But life has a giant s#*t sandwich prepared for your feasting. I'm being a bit jocular there but essentially what I'm saying is true---life cannot be mapped out in coordinates. So, stop trying to regulate yourself. Realize that you're not perfect. Your subheading about who she is was mostly about YOU. This problem is about YOU. This week try to make choices that are in the service of other people, not yourself. I think you'll find that it gets you out of your head, you'll have fun, people around you will have fun, and these nebulous feelings will temporarily subside. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Yeah we've already talked about it, I just didn't know what it was, I thought they were gut feelings and stuff... Thanks for the help. Buts like sometimes I can't talk to her because of these feelings they creep up on me and I prevents me from being close to her and even wanting to talk to her. I never felt like this with anyone else though, could it be because this one is more serious than my others because of that connection I have something in me waving red flags because something in me is scared, scared of the unknown, scared of the future and how things will turn out? The bolded is what is causing you so much anxiety and stress. At 17 you are still maturing, finding and learning about yourself. Thinking about a future wife and family while you are doing those things is causing turmoil within......because your gut is telling you to pump the brakes and slow down. What did your girlfriend say when you talked about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cobaltius Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 The bolded is what is causing you so much anxiety and stress. At 17 you are still maturing, finding and learning about yourself. Thinking about a future wife and family while you are doing those things is causing turmoil within......because your gut is telling you to pump the brakes and slow down. What did your girlfriend say when you talked about it? Well since I thought they were gut feelings saying something I didn't want to hear she at first said she doesn't want someone who has gut feelings about her and wants someone who loves her for her and can trust her ect.. So she almost ended it because she doesn't want to feel like she did something wrong and stuff. But she changed her mind and says shes going to be there for me and help me out with this situation. God she does love me ha. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Well since I thought they were gut feelings saying something I didn't want to hear she at first said she doesn't want someone who has gut feelings about her and wants someone who loves her for her and can trust her ect.. So she almost ended it because she doesn't want to feel like she did something wrong and stuff. But she changed her mind and says shes going to be there for me and help me out with this situation. God she does love me ha. It doesn't sound like your gut feelings are about her. It sounds like it's about all this pressure you put on yourself about where this relationship is leading. Why not just roll with it and enjoy it. Stop analyzing the future and what ifs. Just have fun. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cobaltius Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) It doesn't sound like your gut feelings are about her. It sounds like it's about all this pressure you put on yourself about where this relationship is leading. Why not just roll with it and enjoy it. Stop analyzing the future and what ifs. Just have fun. But then I have those odd feelings around her... Who knows could just be the anxiety and fears in the background... I don't know. I can't tell if somethings off.. How do we know? is there some behavior or something about the relationship that triggers this off feeling? If so I can't pinpoint it. But the thing is why is it when I'm around her It triggers the feeling and how would you know if its her or me... God Im sorry for all my anxious and stupid questions Thanks for your advice and your perspective its helped a lot! Someone give me a lecture on gut feelings Thanks Edited December 18, 2014 by Cobaltius Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 But then I have those odd feelings around her... Who knows could just be the anxiety and fears in the background... I don't know. I can't tell if somethings off.. How do we know? is there some behavior or something about the relationship that triggers this off feeling? If so I can't pinpoint it. But the thing is why is it when I'm around her It triggers the feeling and how would you know if its her or me... God Im sorry for all my anxious and stupid questions Thanks for your advice and your perspective its helped a lot! Someone give me a lecture on gut feelings Thanks Your questions aren't stupid at all. I wish I had answers for you about how do you know if the relationship is "off" vs. you being young and not ready. Some of the usual red flags would be not listening to you, taking you for granted, being emotionally abusive and of course cheating. None of those seem to apply in your relationship though. I really cannot stress enough that I think this is related to your age. You have dove head first in to this and went full steam ahead in a very short period of time. That's difficult for a 30 year old to not feel anxious about, let alone at 17. I also think this is why your gut is poking you and blocking further intimacy/emotional connection with her. Your brain knows you are 17, your heart does not though. Your brain is trying to protect your heart. It's telling you to slow things down. Boy do I sound lame right now but I don't know how else to put it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cobaltius Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 Your questions aren't stupid at all. I wish I had answers for you about how do you know if the relationship is "off" vs. you being young and not ready. Some of the usual red flags would be not listening to you, taking you for granted, being emotionally abusive and of course cheating. None of those seem to apply in your relationship though. I really cannot stress enough that I think this is related to your age. You have dove head first in to this and went full steam ahead in a very short period of time. That's difficult for a 30 year old to not feel anxious about, let alone at 17. I also think this is why your gut is poking you and blocking further intimacy/emotional connection with her. Your brain knows you are 17, your heart does not though. Your brain is trying to protect your heart. It's telling you to slow things down. Boy do I sound lame right now but I don't know how else to put it. About the relationship being off scenario, I've read stuff saying "I got a icky feeling about them even though they were kind, sweet and fun ECT. But my instincts says they aren't good for me" any explanation for that that's all I'm worried about but again you have some very good points especially how my age really has to do with it. I've read stuff like "nothing was wrong it just didn't feel right" any explanation for that, its as if we're biased and something is controlling is... Well thanks for your help I'd also like to hear other peoples ideas but yours males perfect sense Thank you very much for your help! Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 About the relationship being off scenario, I've read stuff saying "I got a icky feeling about them even though they were kind, sweet and fun ECT. But my instincts says they aren't good for me" any explanation for that that's all I'm worried about but again you have some very good points especially how my age really has to do with it. I've read stuff like "nothing was wrong it just didn't feel right" any explanation for that, its as if we're biased and something is controlling is... Well thanks for your help I'd also like to hear other peoples ideas but yours males perfect sense Thank you very much for your help! I wish I could be more help regarding your instincts. Sometimes "just didn't feel right" is all the reason a person needs, regardless of age. She could be the most awesome person in every way but if you have these nagging feelings, it's perfectly okay to end the relationship. Hey, I just wanted to also say you sound very mature for your age and I think it's great you are asking the questions and advice you are. I remember when I was 17 and thought I had all the answers. Boy did I make some bad mistakes due to my own arrogance. Hopefully others will come along here and give you some additional advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cobaltius Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 I wish I could be more help regarding your instincts. Sometimes "just didn't feel right" is all the reason a person needs, regardless of age. She could be the most awesome person in every way but if you have these nagging feelings, it's perfectly okay to end the relationship. Hey, I just wanted to also say you sound very mature for your age and I think it's great you are asking the questions and advice you are. I remember when I was 17 and thought I had all the answers. Boy did I make some bad mistakes due to my own arrogance. Hopefully others will come along here and give you some additional advice. But the thing is I don't know why I'm having these "nagging feelings" they have no message at all and its odd because I have never felt like this with anyone else and if I have to end this its going to really put doubt and frustration into my other relationships because she's is just about everything in looking for.. I didn't even get them at the beginning of the relationship or anything so that's why I'm trying to find out what it could be... I did stress out at the beginning where it would go like you said and I always questioned my feelings and for some stupid reason I always questioned why I'd didn't feel "love" and romantic feelings 24/7 and that's what made me doubt things. Of course later on the feelings of intense infactuation came but I obsessed why it doesn't last 24/7. And "it doesn't feel right" could that mean a majority of things such as not feeling that deep connection, no attraction, maybe something they did for them to feel that it isn't right ECT. Because I feel like there's something in me controlling my very own decisions... Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 But the thing is I don't know why I'm having these "nagging feelings" they have no message at all and its odd because I have never felt like this with anyone else and if I have to end this its going to really put doubt and frustration into my other relationships because she's is just about everything in looking for.. I didn't even get them at the beginning of the relationship or anything so that's why I'm trying to find out what it could be... I did stress out at the beginning where it would go like you said and I always questioned my feelings and for some stupid reason I always questioned why I'd didn't feel "love" and romantic feelings 24/7 and that's what made me doubt things. Of course later on the feelings of intense infactuation came but I obsessed why it doesn't last 24/7. And "it doesn't feel right" could that mean a majority of things such as not feeling that deep connection, no attraction, maybe something they did for them to feel that it isn't right ECT. Because I feel like there's something in me controlling my very own decisions... You probably didn't get these feelings with anyone else because you weren't as emotionally invested. From your previous posts it sounds like it was casual and not serious. So that makes sense. To your larger question: At the beginning of relationships we don't get those red flags because we don't really know the other person yet. It's a time of getting to know the other person so that's why you didn't feel like this early on in your current relationship. The problem now is are your feelings based on fear of this relationship progressing too fast or are they because something about her isn't right for you? Sadly, those are questions I cannot answer for you. I do still think your age and the rapid pace of this relationship plays a large part in your feelings but it could very well be that she is not the right one for you. I really wish I had better answers. What about taking a step back for a while? Let things cool down for a bit and see how you feel then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cobaltius Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 You probably didn't get these feelings with anyone else because you weren't as emotionally invested. From your previous posts it sounds like it was casual and not serious. So that makes sense. To your larger question: At the beginning of relationships we don't get those red flags because we don't really know the other person yet. It's a time of getting to know the other person so that's why you didn't feel like this early on in your current relationship. The problem now is are your feelings based on fear of this relationship progressing too fast or are they because something about her isn't right for you? Sadly, those are questions I cannot answer for you. I do still think your age and the rapid pace of this relationship plays a large part in your feelings but it could very well be that she is not the right one for you. I really wish I had better answers. What about taking a step back for a while? Let things cool down for a bit and see how you feel then. There aren't any red flags about her involving the relationship at all, and I think they're subconscious based fears I'm not sure what they are pointing to. I just fear myself it isn't right. There's nothing to proves that she's isn't right for me, she's never hurt me, abused me in any way, we have some similar beliefs, a lot of our values align ECT. So I wouldn't get why she wouldn't be right for me and I don't believe in the right person or the one either unless she is abusive, a nut, or doesn't trust me at all or something. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 There aren't any red flags about her involving the relationship at all, and I think they're subconscious based fears I'm not sure what they are pointing to. I just fear myself it isn't right. There's nothing to proves that she's isn't right for me, she's never hurt me, abused me in any way, we have some similar beliefs, a lot of our values align ECT. So I wouldn't get why she wouldn't be right for me and I don't believe in the right person or the one either unless she is abusive, a nut, or doesn't trust me at all or something. I know that but something in you is giving you these feelings. As previously mentioned, it is more than likely your age and the progression of this relationship that scares you. You do mention what if it is something else, so that's why I brought it up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cobaltius Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 I know that but something in you is giving you these feelings. As previously mentioned, it is more than likely your age and the progression of this relationship that scares you. You do mention what if it is something else, so that's why I brought it up. I will add on to this as well I forgot to mention, since I mentioned my first relationship "ruined" my hopes in finding other good people could it be possible I doubted that I would find someone in which I would be emotionally invested into and ECT. cause me to fear this one because this is my second relationship in which I am invested and even more invested, could this be the cause of my fear and doubt. Because the my first love I had no doubts what so ever and I thought she was "the one", then she abandoned me and I suffered for a long time So maybe that is the cause of my doubts and what not? One more question can anxiety make you think things that feel true but in reality are completely irrational and misleading? Link to post Share on other sites
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