Gf keeps challenging my beliefs, should I reconsider the relationship

[Amadeus9]

Women want equality, yet, no matter how strong a guy is, you poke him enough, he'll probably snap.

I would have to be in totally fear for my life (ex: a woman coming charging at full speed with a hammer, knife or other deadly weapon...literally wanting to kill me) or that of a close one and the exit door getting blocked to be poked. Hopefully it never happens but that's very different from just retaliating in anger when you still had the option to walk away or at least restrain her.

[todreaminblue]

True and I didn't like being called a coward just because I wouldn't slap back a woman.

 

She knows how I feel about my views but still calls them outdated and that it's already nearly 2015. I feel like this will keep going on and on. What attracted me besides being pretty was she's in college too (wants to be a biologist) and is family oriented. However, maybe I should break up and have been considering it since the latest argument about Ray Rice.

 

Regarding the # of partners, I don't really focus on this factor too much unless it's such an excessive count to the point it's way too much and she didn't even try working out things in a relationship or were to constantly break up with every man she dated after only a couple weeks or so. I would wondered why is she making the same mistake over and mistake (at that point it stops being a mistake) and what's her issue that she can't bond with anyone?

 

 

who is ray rice.... i am guessing a man neither of you know personally.....

 

 

i think you should have a talk to her...i dont think what you have told me,what attracts you to her has a real firm foundation for longevity ...because its all past....got any present love for her........which is what you seek...family ....time.....progression.....has she proven any of those thing you thought about her in the past that were lovely.....are they still there

 

be honest with her....if she cuts you off or doesnt listen...you have your answer on what you really need too do for your happiness...relationships are give and take .....and she isnt adapting to a couple.... seems like to me,merely being a single who is in a relationship that she doesnt hold with high regard......whereas you do......values ...shouldnt be compromised to suit another.......deb

[spiderowl]

Sounds like she has quite a combative personality. It may be that she'd be like this with anyone she was with. How is she with your friends or people you both meet when out? It might be interesting to observe if she generally gets into conflict with people or just you? You could ask her if she's angry about something. Maybe deep down she's angry and ready to do battle with someone and you just happen to be the one at the moment. What is behind that anger though? Could be something deep-seated.

[Els]

I don't think her beliefs are necessarily 'wrong' - I don't agree with all of them but that doesn't make them wrong. But that brings us to the main point - IMO it would be hell on earth to be with someone who's so narrow minded that they have to constantly hammer at people with their beliefs and try to impose them on others. No possible compromise, no interest in listening to a different viewpoint, no 'live and let live'. THAT would be a dealbreaker.

 

I agree that you should reconsider this relationship.

[todreaminblue]

i googled ray rice....ack.......he was wrong to do what he did...three and a half minutes....of just no...i dont think its debateable not with me anyway......you dont do that to any human or animal on earth unless you are in a boxing ring with gloves on and first aid in the corner.....even then the fight would be stopped..i cry anyway watching boxing.....and the person unconscious is treated with respect and dignity...cared for..wish i didnt watch it..........i would not debate a topic like that..nor could I remain objective and open or understanding of another's views ......deb.......

[stillmind]

I'm a hardcore feminist but I don't think I've ever had an argument with my husband about any of that, haha. Feminism is about equality, yes, but it's also about women being in control of their own lives... Which doesn't have to conflict with old-fashioned values at all, IMO. I am a feminist, I've never been interested in casual sex because that's just not who I am, I love my husband, we respect each other and I usually follow his lead in an old-fashioned way because that's the kind of relationship I enjoy.

 

OP, please don't let this spoil you on equality, just look at it as a possible incompatibility. There are plenty of assertive feminist ladies out there who share old-fashioned values. Feminism isn't all about asserting your right to be punched in the face by Ray Rice. Your gf sounds kind of ... insecure, maybe? Like maybe this is a brand new philosophy to her, and she thinks she has to "prove" herself? She may tone it down over time. I agree with the others, try communicating before breaking up, but if she won't budge I think you may need to go separate ways.

[Els]

I'm a hardcore feminist but I don't think I've ever had an argument with my husband about any of that, haha. Feminism is about equality, yes, but it's also about women being in control of their own lives... Which doesn't have to conflict with old-fashioned values at all, IMO. I am a feminist, I've never been interested in casual sex because that's just not who I am, I love my husband, we respect each other and I usually follow his lead in an old-fashioned way because that's the kind of relationship I enjoy.

 

OP, please don't let this spoil you on equality, just look at it as a possible incompatibility. There are plenty of assertive feminist ladies out there who share old-fashioned values. Feminism isn't all about asserting your right to be punched in the face by Ray Rice. Your gf sounds kind of ... insecure, maybe? Like maybe this is a brand new philosophy to her, and she thinks she has to "prove" herself? She may tone it down over time. I agree with the others, try communicating before breaking up, but if she won't budge I think you may need to go separate ways.

 

Agreed, 100%. People who use feminism as an excuse to shove their beliefs about gender roles down other people's throats are completely missing the point of it - it's about everyone having the right to choose how they want to live their lives regardless of what private parts they were born with. Choosing old-fashioned values is every bit as valid a choice as the opposite.

[Got it]

Jumping on this hating women/feminism thing. This has nothing to do with it. A relationship with dating is finding out how you two mesh together, it is a fluid back and forth. If either party does not allow for the right of opinion, discussion, or agreeing to disagree then it is too unilateral and doesn't bode well for the future.

 

Some people do not understand that debating isn't bullying the person into submission. For some the point becomes far more important than the other party. This may be an area of opportunity for her. Since we only have a snippet about her based on your threads I REALLY think casting assumptions about her are ridiculous. So I would ask you, does this relationship make you happy? Is this a hill you want to die on? If it is, that is perfectly okay, stand your ground and ask for a compromise. If she refuses to see your point of view as well, and meet you in the middle than that is a major red flag as a partner.

 

I do agree, that if I start to beat up a man he has ever right to defend himself. I do not think that as a woman I get different rules because of that. I also see both genders being equal and it is the two people in the relationships to work out their dynamics. I am fine with paying, I am fine with him paying, but I will plan to make it up. I want an even playing field but it is a fluid back and forth.

 

You have the right, with in state, local, and federal laws as well as ethical boundaries, to have a relationship in the manner that fits for you. You have the right to pursue a partner who wants the same and to move on from those that do not.

 

Each person has this right. Respect each person but follow what feels right for you.

[SpiralOut]

This girl sounds like me when I was younger. I cannot give the exact reasons for why I had that attitude. It was related to anger. Feminism/gender equality is a valid outlet for anger. Yes our society has given women way more rights than ever before, but when you open the paper there are stories of women across the world who don't have rights. They are treated like property, beaten, killed. In our society there are still misogynist men.

 

 

Anyway, maybe this girl is angry about something and this is her outlet. Have you tried asking her why she cares so much about this stuff? If you ask the right questions and poke and prod enough, she might calm down.

[Got it]

This girl sounds like me when I was younger. I cannot give the exact reasons for why I had that attitude. It was related to anger. Feminism/gender equality is a valid outlet for anger. Yes our society has given women way more rights than ever before, but when you open the paper there are stories of women across the world who don't have rights. They are treated like property, beaten, killed. In our society there are still misogynist men.

 

 

Anyway, maybe this girl is angry about something and this is her outlet. Have you tried asking her why she cares so much about this stuff? If you ask the right questions and poke and prod enough, she might calm down.

 

That isn't his responsibility nor is it reasonable. Unless she is anger at him she shouldn't be taking out on him like he is her proverbial whipping boy. Why on earth would this cause someone to act out negatively towards their loved ones? That doesn't make any sense.

 

If she is upset, she should be able to put it into words. She can express it without being anger at him.

 

Why should anyone have to jump through all those hoops to get someone to maybe delve into why they are anger and maybe calm down? That is dysfunctional.

[BluEyeL]

It's not that she's a feminist. I'm also a feminist and i let men open the doors and all that.

 

She sounds argumentative and likes conflict. For a good relationship you need someone agreeable. Who knows how to be flexible, seeks to understand and accepts people for who they are. I would end the relationship. If I had a boyfriend who behaved like that, always argue with me about stupid things, I'd also end it.

[Amadeus9]

Sounds like she has quite a combative personality. It may be that she'd be like this with anyone she was with. How is she with your friends or people you both meet when out? It might be interesting to observe if she generally gets into conflict with people or just you? You could ask her if she's angry about something. Maybe deep down she's angry and ready to do battle with someone and you just happen to be the one at the moment. What is behind that anger though? Could be something deep-seated.

She did once had a discussion like with ones of her female friends, who also didn't quite agree with everything she said. So I would say, she's like this natural and not just with me.

 

 

I'm finding that there is no compromise with her and instead of enjoying the relationship, she has to bring this up as if trying to prove something or like I mentioned always trying to compete for equality.

 

 

I've also thought about how my future would look like and yes I can't imagine how confused the child would be. While I would be teaching them my values and what I grew up with, she would be teaching them totally different things.

 

 

I'm going to be breaking up sometime later today.

[Amadeus9]

It's not that she's a feminist. I'm also a feminist and i let men open the doors and all that.

 

She sounds argumentative and likes conflict. For a good relationship you need someone agreeable. Who knows how to be flexible, seeks to understand and accepts people for who they are. I would end the relationship. If I had a boyfriend who behaved like that, always argue with me about stupid things, I'd also end it.

I'm going to end it later on today.

[d0nnivain]

I'm going to end it later on today.

 

I think you are making the right decision for you. Good luck.

[preraph]

As far as the "poking the bull" comments, I think once it gets to the point where you feel you're being overly poked, it's time to walk away from the relationship -- not deck a woman. I agree a woman who would smack a man and keep it up and that type thing is behaving aggressively and is stupid but I still think the one with the power there needs to know when to walk away and not accidentally maim someone out of rage. Unfortunately, some men think just being nagged is "poking the bull," and I disagree. That is someone trying to communicate who ramped it up after failing to get a response earlier. I don't think men need any validation for hitting a woman. If things get nasty, people need to get out.

[Amadeus9]

To all others and the poster who mentioned about the problem in other parts of the world:

 

I understand women have very limit rights in other parts of the world and it's sad. If I could help out and had the time and chance to, I would. I don't mind a woman having a career. In fact, I like woman who can be a mother in a the future and have a career too. A couple female family members do that. However, they don't act like my soon to be ex gf.

 

Man I had your back until the bolded part. WTF dude? Fighting for equality (I prefer the term equity but meh) doesn't mean you can't be 'old fashioned'.

Unless to you, old fashioned means total patriarchy...

But it sounds like an ''But we're now totally equal to you guys, don't need any man to open a door for me, not even my bf '' attitude and coming off too strong to the point it's annoying. Yes I'm going to break up.

[Gloria25]

I'm going to end it later on today.

 

Oh gosh,

 

I highly recommend you do this in a public place - like a coffee shop. Maybe even bring a friend (perhaps have them sit away from you two, ready to intervene if she starts acting the fool).

 

I have a bad feeling that if you try to do it in private, she's gonna do something stupid/crazy.

 

I don't give out advice like this frivolously, please take into consideration what I'm recommending.

[Darren2013]

I don't believe a man should hit a woman in self defense. Best to just walk away.

 

As for her insisting to pay on the first date or anytime during the first 5 dates I would take that as a sign of her not being interested in me and she is paying because she doesn't want to feel indebted to me.

[jphcbpa]

wait, you found a woman who is not afraid to pull out her wallet???

 

Score!!! I applaud her!!!

[SpiralOut]

That isn't his responsibility nor is it reasonable. Unless she is anger at him she shouldn't be taking out on him like he is her proverbial whipping boy. Why on earth would this cause someone to act out negatively towards their loved ones? That doesn't make any sense.

 

If she is upset, she should be able to put it into words. She can express it without being anger at him.

 

Why should anyone have to jump through all those hoops to get someone to maybe delve into why they are anger and maybe calm down? That is dysfunctional.

 

Sometimes people don't know how to express their anger. When you care about someone and you see them acting upset, you ask them what's wrong. That's not jumping through hoops, that's making an honest attempt to understand where they are coming from. However, I agree that if they don't give you anything to work with, or if they don't seem to be changing, then it's time to end things.

 

 

To the OP, I know you're planning to break up with her, but just for some added insight.... I had this attitude until I got into a male-dominated workplace that was physically demanding. After three years of doing that and earning the respect of the men, I suddenly didn't care anymore about guys holding doors open for me. I didn't mind wearing dresses anymore. I didn't need to prove to anyone that I was strong and could hold my own, cuz I had proven to myself that I could. This girl probably feels weak somehow and this is her way of trying to take back her power. It won't work though. Opening the door for yourself proves nothing and doesn't make you stronger. She should go do some boxing lessons or get into construction work or something. I bet that would make her feel better.

 

 

Good luck.

Edited December 20, 2014 by SpiralOut

[Maleficent]

To all others and the poster who mentioned about the problem in other parts of the world:

 

I understand women have very limit rights in other parts of the world and it's sad. If I could help out and had the time and chance to, I would. I don't mind a woman having a career. In fact, I like woman who can be a mother in a the future and have a career too. A couple female family members do that. However, they don't act like my soon to be ex gf.

 

But it sounds like an ''But we're now totally equal to you guys, don't need any man to open a door for me, not even my bf '' attitude and coming off too strong to the point it's annoying. Yes I'm going to break up.

 

It's fine that you find it annoying. It's the 'I prefer a girl who doesn't argue for equal rights and be happy to have a man who wouldn't hurt her' that got to me.

As if equal rights were a bad thing to wish for.

 

But if you're not happy in this relationship, by all means end it.

[hoping2heal]

If I were a male, and could actually get a boner...I think mine would be permanently dead for her by the time she could actually utter the stupidity that was the Ray Rice commentary.

 

She sounds like a walking example of why feminism has turned into a bad word.

 

Equality - great. But, any person with a brain functioning worth a lick knows that equality does not mean "the same" in every single context. I don't think either gender should be using physical violence, let alone justifying that men should hit women in order to treat them equal..LMAO. I can't even take her seriously.

[evanescentworld]

....

She sounds like a walking example of why feminism has turned into a bad word.

 

Equality - great. But, any person with a brain functioning worth a lick knows that equality does not mean "the same" in every single context.

 

.....

 

Quoted for Truth.

[central]

From your description of the issues, I'd say she's completely right and you're stuck in the patriarchy.

[GravityMan]

I don't think you two are socially compatible, so yes you should reconsider the relationship.

 

Her views, whether you agree with them or not, are only a minor issue here. The bigger problem is how she's expressing them. It just seems like you don't mesh well with argumentative, condescending women who like conflict.