Is this leading to infidelity? Or am I overreacting

[Brooke02]

What is the point of your thread then? Your all over the place with contradictions.

 

You ask what it means, people tell you and you get defensive and stick up for him and yourself..

[elaine567]

She doesn't need to tell her husband, why worry him, but the OP needs to take some responsibility here for her obvious obsession with this man and stop it dead in its tracks.

 

Telling the husband could back fire spectacularly, he ends up checking her knicker drawers and he spends his life in a state of paranoia and distrust.

The coworker's wife finds out and accuses her husband, they divorce, as there is "no smoke without fire", their kids are in dire straits.

 

...and all because of this silly woman here, fantasising over actions by this man that could easily be completely innocent.

 

"Vegetarians.., they're delicious" is supposed to be a come on??

It is a joke based on the fact vegetarians don't eat meat.

[redtail]

Telling my husband would only make him insecure

People who hide, always say this. Security comes from the truth, not secrecy.

 

What is the point of your thread then?

Yes, what is the point? Are we just an emotional tampon for you to vent?

 

"Vegetarians.., they're delicious" is supposed to be a come on??

The OP is a vegetarian, so therefor implying she's delicious, get it?

[Gofsttrnlft]

I'm working on my marriage but I still need to interact with him on a daily basis. I can't just break off the relationship like this. My husband would be livid if I told him.

 

I may be being a bit hypersensitive but you just referred to the interactions with your co-worker as a relationship. I believe you...

 

My WW has said many of the same thing that you have.

 

(I think the fantasy side of it is a lot more appealing than actually following through would be. But I have no intention of having an affair. I just keep telling myself over and over that I have something much better at home...)

 

All quotes said by you. In a manner of speaking my WW as well. Guess what, she still had a PA with him.

 

(No, I do not intend to have an affair. Here's the main issue: I'm an attractive woman. I know it, other people know it. I'm used to getting male attention, my husband is used to it too. But it has never been an issue.)

 

It wasn't an issue until now anyway. Of course it cannot become an issue as long as you are deceiving your husband. My WW is very attractive. I have always been told that. It was never an issue until she and the OM decided to make it one.

 

You may consider yourself pretty on the outside, but you are not on the inside right now IMO. I say this because you are having an affair as I type this and you are doing nothing to stop it. If you spent less time talking about how great this guy is and how great he makes you feel and more time doing what has been suggested by folks on this site, you could end this thread. But your not. Your goose is cooked so to speak. Have you told your husband what is going on? Have you found another place to work? Have you told this co-worker that you are VERY married and only want to keep daily dealing on a professional level only? No you have not and for what reason? Selfishness. You are only thinking of yourself. You are well on the path to destroying so many lives. You will soon be learning how it feels that pretty on the outside is worthless when you feel ugly on the inside.

[elaine567]

The OP is a vegetarian, so therefor implying she's delicious, get it?

 

Madness.

[Realist3]

What is the point of your thread then? Your all over the place with contradictions.

 

You ask what it means, people tell you and you get defensive and stick up for him and yourself..

 

 

^THIS!!!!!!!!

 

And again, it sounds like you do want an affair, and you are asking for opinions about his actions/words. Read the title of the thread.

[Realist3]

"Vegetarians.., they're delicious" is supposed to be a come on??

It is a joke based on the fact vegetarians don't eat meat.

 

Yes, so why not eat a hot vegetarian chick and find out??? Probably not the most appropriate poster to have at the workplace for a married woman, given the innuendo.

[denise_xo]

And how exactly am I flirting or leading him on? He makes non-work related remarks, I stay silent. I don't stare from a distance. I didn't gush over his gift. How exactly am I leading him on?

 

And I'm not afraid of being rejected, I just don't think he's after an affair. I understand the view that he's priming me, or working slowly, as one of the earlier posts mentioned, but he's nevr tried to be alone with me. I was uncomfortable about his "delicious" remark, but it could be just a remark, with nothing behind it.

 

Telling my husband would only make him insecure, and then e wouldn't be able to go skating anymore! No, there isn't another place. I don't foresee any good coming from telling him all this, it would only make him alarmed over a man who's not even pursuing anything with me. Why bring that kind of trouble upon us?

Again, I appreciate all of your views, but this guy is not interested in taking it anywhere, and neither am I. I think the fantasy side of it is a lot more appealing than actually following through would be. Is that really so bad?

 

What exactly are you seeking advice for here at LS? What are your objectives? What do you want to achieve by continuously feeding us detailed descriptions about something your colleague said or did?

 

You came here starting a thread titled 'is this leading to infidelity?'. There is an overwhelming consensus among the posters that the answer to that question is yes.

 

If you want to stick to the opinion that neither you or your colleague are pursuing an affair, you can do so. No one here agrees with you. But at the end of the day, we're just internet strangers, so it doesn't really matter. What matters is where you're going to take this situation, and how.

[Got it]

And how exactly am I flirting or leading him on? He makes non-work related remarks, I stay silent. I don't stare from a distance. I didn't gush over his gift. How exactly am I leading him on?

 

And I'm not afraid of being rejected, I just don't think he's after an affair. I understand the view that he's priming me, or working slowly, as one of the earlier posts mentioned, but he's nevr tried to be alone with me. I was uncomfortable about his "delicious" remark, but it could be just a remark, with nothing behind it.

 

Telling my husband would only make him insecure, and then e wouldn't be able to go skating anymore! No, there isn't another place. I don't foresee any good coming from telling him all this, it would only make him alarmed over a man who's not even pursuing anything with me. Why bring that kind of trouble upon us?

Again, I appreciate all of your views, but this guy is not interested in taking it anywhere, and neither am I. I think the fantasy side of it is a lot more appealing than actually following through would be. Is that really so bad?

 

I actually don't think the guy is actually doing very much. I think you are asserting far more importance on the littlest things and THAT is the issue. The issue isn't whether this man is pursuing you. It is about your being primed and ready for a man to pursue you. You are tittering over the littlest comment, obsessing if there is a double entendre, fantasizing about the littlest event. THAT is the issue.

 

It is your need to fantasize that is the red flag. That is what you have to deep dive. Why are you so hungry for it? And then it is your decision what you want to do with that hunger.

[guya]

Here's how it works in my head: said guy says or does something flirtatious. First reaction is that he's flirting. So I start to downplay it:"I'm overreacting","there's no way that his remark meant something","we only work together, he wouldn't risk his much higher position for sex". Then I think "I wonder what other people would think if they knew?". Since I can't ask at work, or my husband, or a girlfriend, an anonymous forum is the way. I only see my therapist once a week and I deal with him on a daily basis.

 

Yes, I've read everything on here. And as for the delicious vegetarian remark, I'm back to thinking:"There's no way that he meant for that to sound dirty. I'm overreacting. That would have been a very brazen, obvious comment. He couldn't possibly be referring to me or to anything sexual."

 

So what did I do? I asked another man. My husband. He said "I don't even know what his remark meant. You're overreacting. There's nothing dirty about your poster." So, there. BUT... I did not tell my husband it was the guy we ran into at the rink, or the guy who baked and have me the box of cookies my husband just ate tonight. I just said "a coworker" gave it to me.

 

So the guy is still innocent in my head. And I love it when he flirts, or possibly flirts, bc I really admire him. He's very masculine. Few men are like that these days, and I'm a very strong woman...

[redtail]

Here's how it works in my head:...

Very good, what could possibly go wrong...

 

Meanwhile, in the men's room of a small company, a senior employee confides to his peer; "yeah, up until now I've tried to be subtle, but I think she just doesn't get it, yet. No, of course I haven't told my wife about her..."

[Striver]

So the guy is still innocent in my head. And I love it when he flirts, or possibly flirts, bc I really admire him. He's very masculine. Few men are like that these days, and I'm a very strong woman...

 

Tell your husband that part.

 

You're already cheating on your husband. You're already having an affair with this man. Just let us know when you sleep with him, for the historical record.

[Rainbowlove]

Just let us know when you sleep with him, for the historical record.

 

Hahaha....

 

This just struck me so funny. I needed a good laugh.

 

Thank you.

[denise_xo]

Here's how it works in my head: said guy says or does something flirtatious. First reaction is that he's flirting. So I start to downplay it:"I'm overreacting","there's no way that his remark meant something","we only work together, he wouldn't risk his much higher position for sex". Then I think "I wonder what other people would think if they knew?". Since I can't ask at work, or my husband, or a girlfriend, an anonymous forum is the way. I only see my therapist once a week and I deal with him on a daily basis.

 

Yes, I've read everything on here. And as for the delicious vegetarian remark, I'm back to thinking:"There's no way that he meant for that to sound dirty. I'm overreacting. That would have been a very brazen, obvious comment. He couldn't possibly be referring to me or to anything sexual."

 

So what did I do? I asked another man. My husband. He said "I don't even know what his remark meant. You're overreacting. There's nothing dirty about your poster." So, there. BUT... I did not tell my husband it was the guy we ran into at the rink, or the guy who baked and have me the box of cookies my husband just ate tonight. I just said "a coworker" gave it to me.

 

So the guy is still innocent in my head. And I love it when he flirts, or possibly flirts, bc I really admire him. He's very masculine. Few men are like that these days, and I'm a very strong woman...

 

The reaction from your husband is pretty meaningless when he didn't have the context. Looks like something you did to just make yourself feel better.

 

Again, it's a whole other post about this guy and what might be going on in his head. It does make you sound like a 14 year old having a crush on someone a few years up at school. If it's so important for you to know his intentions, why don't you just ask him? Tell him that this has been on your mind for a while, that it's interfering with work and your marriage, and that you've had to consult your husband on the topic to determine if your interactions were inappropriate.

 

Edited to add: you fed your husband the cookies you got from this guy??

Edited December 19, 2014 by denise_xo

[Satu]

Here's how it works in my head: said guy says or does something flirtatious. First reaction is that he's flirting. So I start to downplay it:"I'm overreacting","there's no way that his remark meant something","we only work together, he wouldn't risk his much higher position for sex". Then I think "I wonder what other people would think if they knew?". Since I can't ask at work, or my husband, or a girlfriend, an anonymous forum is the way. I only see my therapist once a week and I deal with him on a daily basis.

 

Yes, I've read everything on here. And as for the delicious vegetarian remark, I'm back to thinking:"There's no way that he meant for that to sound dirty. I'm overreacting. That would have been a very brazen, obvious comment. He couldn't possibly be referring to me or to anything sexual."

 

So what did I do? I asked another man. My husband. He said "I don't even know what his remark meant. You're overreacting. There's nothing dirty about your poster." So, there. BUT... I did not tell my husband it was the guy we ran into at the rink, or the guy who baked and have me the box of cookies my husband just ate tonight. I just said "a coworker" gave it to me.

 

So the guy is still innocent in my head. And I love it when he flirts, or possibly flirts, bc I really admire him. He's very masculine. Few men are like that these days, and I'm a very strong woman...

 

I stand by my earlier comment, that underneath your statements about being very attractive to men, a strong woman etc, you have low self-esteem, and have been knocked sideways because some guy you work with *seems* attracted to you.

 

By the way, would you like a biscuit?

Edited December 19, 2014 by Satu

[spanz1]

Edited to add: you fed your husband the cookies you got from this guy??

 

 

 

jeez, I HOPE your hubby is at least getting some good cookies out of this.

[jackslife]

Are we just an emotional tampon for you to vent?

 

Well that's a new one on me. What on earth is an 'emotional tampon'?

[elaine567]

Urban Dictionary: Emotional Tampon

"shoulder to cry on" basically.

[jackslife]

Thank you. Just read the urban dictionary definition - very funny and interesting.

[Got it]

Urban Dictionary: Emotional Tampon

"shoulder to cry on" basically.

 

Well . . . . that is . . . . . . . colorful. . . . . .

[guya]

Oh, here we go again... I need to defend my looks! Since I can't show you a picture, all I can do is share that in my late teens and early twenties, I participated in and won beauty pageants (I know, degrading). I'm in my 30s now but have 3 plastic surgeons to keep me presentable! It's just the way things have always been. I spent years delaying a pregnancy bc I was terrified of what it would do to my body. Thankfully, I only gained 12 lbs. and no stretch marks!! I'm saying all of this to share that my looks are one of the reasons why I'm in therapy. I've had to work really hard to dissociate my accomplishments from my looks. In my case, I'd say my self-esteem is actually too high.

 

And I've said it before but I'll say it again: I don't doubt that this man is attracted to me, I've only doubted whether he would risk his position and reputation to have an affair. Since I'm not a risk taker by nature, I cannot understand people who are. It's like looking at people who have one night stands; I don't get it. What kind of pleasure could you possibly get from someone with whom you have zero emotional involvement?

 

I'm listening to all the advice and I'm definitely taking it into consideratikn, but I disagree that I'm already in an affair! It's just a coworker whose qualities I am attracted to; at the same time that I am flattered by his possible attention, I also want to be wrong, so I try to tell myself I'm overreacting. Because the truth is that I don't know how I'd react if he made it clear that he wants something to happen. So I run, figuratively.

 

Btw, he's just a coworker who baked... Nothing wrong with sharing goodies with my husband.

[beach]

Yes you are still over reacting and over thinking it.

 

Cut off your head if you need to - it's cruel to your husband how much you need this man's attention.

 

Check your ego it is way out of whack and you are about to consider something that will ruin your whole life.

 

Please seek professional help as to why you need his dribbles of attention and why you think it means something significant - at the cost of causing your husband harm.

[Striver]

Oh, here we go again... I need to defend my looks! Since I can't show you a picture, all I can do is share that in my late teens and early twenties, I participated in and won beauty pageants (I know, degrading). I'm in my 30s now but have 3 plastic surgeons to keep me presentable! It's just the way things have always been. I spent years delaying a pregnancy bc I was terrified of what it would do to my body. Thankfully, I only gained 12 lbs. and no stretch marks!! I'm saying all of this to share that my looks are one of the reasons why I'm in therapy. I've had to work really hard to dissociate my accomplishments from my looks. In my case, I'd say my self-esteem is actually too high.

 

And I've said it before but I'll say it again: I don't doubt that this man is attracted to me, I've only doubted whether he would risk his position and reputation to have an affair. Since I'm not a risk taker by nature, I cannot understand people who are. It's like looking at people who have one night stands; I don't get it. What kind of pleasure could you possibly get from someone with whom you have zero emotional involvement?

 

I'm listening to all the advice and I'm definitely taking it into consideratikn, but I disagree that I'm already in an affair! It's just a coworker whose qualities I am attracted to; at the same time that I am flattered by his possible attention, I also want to be wrong, so I try to tell myself I'm overreacting. Because the truth is that I don't know how I'd react if he made it clear that he wants something to happen. So I run, figuratively.

 

Btw, he's just a coworker who baked... Nothing wrong with sharing goodies with my husband.

 

To be honest, I'm not sure that a woman who was in beauty pageants and is already resorting to plastic surgery is exhibiting high self esteem. It sounds like someone who is deathly afraid of being judged negatively based on any flaw in her looks.

 

So you're sure he's attracted to you, you're attracted to him, you flirt with him, you "don't know" what you'd do if he made a move... you seem on such solid ground here. I am being sarcastic.

 

The quickest way to improve your life right now is to tell your husband what is going on. You need professional help as well, but that will take too long and with your emotional state I really don't think time is on your side. You are walking in a minefield and unable to stop yourself.

[Satu]

Low self - esteem, narcisstic, needy.

[Brooke02]

It's just a coworker whose qualities I am attracted to; at the same time that I am flattered by his possible attention,

 

Maybe now it is, soon if not already when you cant stop thinking about him your gonna want more, the real thing and you will end up sleeping with him. You've already made up excuses in your head and on here how you dont get sex at home. Your desires and needs are going to over run your thinking and it already has quite a bit.

 

He definitely wants you, the whole "hes not interested in anything is BS in MO. The vegetarian remark was flirting with you and you flirt back with your emails back and forth "complimenting" each other.

 

If he wasn't interested in you in the slightest bit why would he not introduce his wife or talk to you that day skating? ..or avoid your husband if you are only colleagues???