badkarma2013 Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 The only think you should hear from the Cheating spouse is Good Bye as you kick them out of your life. It did not matter if my xW kissed the guy or not. All I cared about is that she was stepping out from our marriage. I never cared about the details. I am so thankful everyday she is gone Life is so much better when you move on. I think what is not being said is...You can Never out do the OM/OW..One cannot Compete with a FANTASY.....AS a BH or BW we will NEVER KNOW what the WS was thinking ..what they REALLY felt when they were with the AP...when they had sex ..the pet names they had or if they really loved them...You will never ever know..AND WE WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENED...EVER I found out the details from OM...filed for D and sued their company...They were Fired.... I dont trigger...have ANY forgiveness or ANY regret... she does not exist to me.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) I think what is not being said is...You can Never out do the OM/OW..One cannot Compete with a FANTASY.....AS a BH or BW we will NEVER KNOW what the WS was thinking ..what they REALLY felt when they were with the AP...when they had sex ..the pet names they had or if they really loved them...You will never ever know..AND WE WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENED...EVER I found out the details from OM...filed for D and sued their company...They were Fired.... I dont trigger...have ANY forgiveness or ANY regret... she does not exist to me.. I never looked at it that way. I just felt they there both complete loosers and they deserved each other. She wrote me letters for six months tellng me how wonderful he was and I just finally replied "Who Cares". It really took her that long to see that I did not care anymore. She later told me over the phone that she could not believe how fast I filed. I kind of thought that was strange but let it go. My kids were the driving force for me. I now had to take care of them on my own and honestly I was just fine with that. If i could have cut her completely out of there lives I would have done it in a second. My older girls were in there early teens (12 - 13) and my younger two kids were 9 and 7. So they made my life really interesting Its good to hear you Divorced her. Clay Edited December 30, 2014 by Clay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I do believe he loves me, however he is not in love with me (my gut feeling, not his words). I'm here, he is safe. He has since the last infidelity very little sex drive. Never does he I initiate and my mid-life crisis has brought me to wonder if I want to live like this for the rest of my life. I try talking to him about it but he dismisses it not assures me this is not the case. I've tried everything including counseling however I'm still left feeling this way. I was too preoccupied with 5 small children to be concerned and/or worry. Now that they are all teenagers/adults my focus is "what now"? I'm 35 years old, fit, attractive (I think) and I could find a man who loves me wholeheartly still. Yes I would NEVER go there while married to my H. But I can't seriously see me growing old with my H. First don't assume he feels a particular way, men perceive and show feelings much differently than women. However, you may be correct, but I recommend action instead of assumptions. Therefore I recommend the following. 1. See an attorney and find out your legal rights. You don't have to file, but you need to know your legal standings. 2. Make a financial plan. Again, I wouldn't do anything except be prepared. 3. Make a plan on how to fix the marriage. What do you want him to do? Marriage counseling? Dates? Vacations? Sex? Everything should be on the table. If have no desire to fix then marriage, then just move forward with your life. However, ending a relationship is not going to be hard. Your emotions will be all over the board. If you want to reconcile then proceed to #4. 4. Have a serious uninterrupted conversation with your husband. He needs to know the severity of the relationship and the consequences of ignoring you. He needs to know that you have consulted with an attorney and prepared to act. Discuss your vision of a way forward and come up with a plan. Bottom line is you do have the right to be happy in life, but end one relationship, before you begin another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
runredlights Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Yea I have a situation myself where an ex made out with a guy at a party when she was blackout drunk but she slept on the couch with him the whole night. She immediately called me in the morning and told me ,but it is still cheating. Iv seen stuff here thrown around like "exit affair". We are broken up now. Im curious if it was more than that and maybe she was too ashamed to tell me the whole truth or just thought it wouldn't matter in time because we ended up breaking up two days afterwards (it was her not me). Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Yea I have a situation myself where an ex made out with a guy at a party when she was blackout drunk but she slept on the couch with him the whole night. She immediately called me in the morning and told me ,but it is still cheating. Iv seen stuff here thrown around like "exit affair". We are broken up now. Im curious if it was more than that and maybe she was too ashamed to tell me the whole truth or just thought it wouldn't matter in time because we ended up breaking up two days afterwards (it was her not me). Curious about what? How many times they screwed that night? Or did she lie about it because she was going to dump you anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Curious about what? How many times they screwed that night? Or did she lie about it because she was going to dump you anyway? She probably lied to protect herself from being labeled a total hoe and she waited for you to dump her. After seeing you not man up and dump her she then knew that cheating was not enough so she had to man up and dump you. Link to post Share on other sites
runredlights Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 I'm curious about if they did do more than she actually told me. I have to disagree with you road. Just on the merit that the girl cheated and then wanted to break up spoke volumes about her character or lack there of so that was all I needed to hear. I'm not begging and frankly I feel better off given the way it ended. I was willing to forgive and overlook kissing somebody when you're drunk, especially since I didn't find out and she told me immediately afterwards and was remorseful. We dated for 3 years. Link to post Share on other sites
runredlights Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Do any of you think it would be constructive to contact the guy who my ex cheated on me with and ask him what all really happened? It has been a few weeks since the break up, but I think it would help me move on if I knew from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grizzly101 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I think knowing or talking to the OM would be a bad idea. It will make the "what did she see in him" feeling even worse and could cause more insecurity. After my A, my H asked if I had feelings for the guy. I told him that I would answer any question he asked honestly, so be careful not to ask questions that he may not want to hear the answer to. You think you want to know. But when he found out that I initiated contact, when he assumed that it was the OM, I hurt him even worse... You have already been betrayed and hurt, do the details matter? Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 You have already been betrayed and hurt, do the details matter? As bad as the details may hurt, it is the truth. With the truth you can determine if you can stay and how bad it really was. By not knowing the details you can forever live in a fantasy land that it was not really as bad as you thought. So, fantasy or truth? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Grizzly101 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 IMO, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would be selective of what I wanted to know about her, specific details about sex and what they did together. You already have the pictures in your head and it can turn out far worse that you thought. I think, for me, I would want to know: - how long - what made you feel that was the answer - was it just sex or emotional - do you have feelings/emotional attachment - is it over Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 IMO, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would be selective of what I wanted to know about her, specific details about sex and what they did together. You already have the pictures in your head and it can turn out far worse that you thought. I think, for me, I would want to know: - how long - what made you feel that was the answer - was it just sex or emotional - do you have feelings/emotional attachment - is it over I can understand why a lot of people would want to do this, but I would never wanted to have gone into R without knowing everything I wanted know. To me, being selective implies that you are purposely looking for a reason to stay. What happens if your spouse did something that would have caused you to leave, but you never find out because you don't ask the questions? It's a rough process, but I expect 100% of the questions I ask to be answered with complete honesty. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Grizzly101 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I have answered what he has asked honestly. I was very evasive at the beginning because I didn't want to hurt him worse, which actually hurt him worse. If I want this to truly work, I have to answer what he asked. If I have to hide from it, then I have no business being here. I have hurt him badly with answers and details, but I was honest. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I have answered what he has asked honestly. I was very evasive at the beginning because I didn't want to hurt him worse, which actually hurt him worse. If I want this to truly work, I have to answer what he asked. If I have to hide from it, then I have no business being here. I have hurt him badly with answers and details, but I was honest. Please don't mistake, I wasn't saying that you did that. I was trying to emphasize why I think it's important to know everything. Sorry for the miscommunication. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I think knowing or talking to the OM would be a bad idea. It will make the "what did she see in him" feeling even worse and could cause more insecurity. After my A, my H asked if I had feelings for the guy. I told him that I would answer any question he asked honestly, so be careful not to ask questions that he may not want to hear the answer to. You think you want to know. But when he found out that I initiated contact, when he assumed that it was the OM, I hurt him even worse... You have already been betrayed and hurt, do the details matter? Sorry Grizzly you are off the mark. Talking to the OM is bad for the BH in that he can not count on the OM being honest. He will most likely minimize what happened to keep the BH calm or exaggerate what he did only to rub the affair in the BH's face just for sport. You are only thinking short term. The lies and hidden truths not revealed will remain forever to fester in the BH's wound. Recovery will never be complete. The BH will go for 30 years, longer if he lives that long still needing the answers to his questions. The WW in not wanting to talk about the affair is only dealing with her meeting her own goals. Minimizing what happened by revealing partial detail is doing damage control. However it condemns the BH to make decisions based on lies. What the WW did during her affair with the OM may be more then the BH can handle. Causing him to want to divorce his WW. This is a basic right of every BH to decide for themselves. The WW even though in NC with the OM and being transparent so her BH can verify NC while she is still withholding the truth from the BH is just still continuing her affair and relationship with her OM because she is keeping what was special between her and her OM because she is still excluding her BH. Affairs have consequences. Owning what a WW did can not happen as long as she avoids facing her consequences. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I answered every question i was asked as honestly as i could. I am a talker....so one of the things i regret is..I talked too much. I should have answered the questions and not elaborated unless he asked. Once the words were out of my mouth i could never take them back. I gave way too many details. We did much of our talking laying in bed in the dark. Huge mistake. I could not see his face as i answered...I could not see how i was ripping his heart out. I have many many mistakes in our healing process. This was one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I have answered what he has asked honestly. I was very evasive at the beginning because I didn't want to hurt him worse, which actually hurt him worse. If I want this to truly work, I have to answer what he asked. If I have to hide from it, then I have no business being here. I have hurt him badly with answers and details, but I was honest. There are ways to answer and be honest while not being brutal. Which means the WS lets the BS control how much detail is given. Example, when a BH asks in general how was the sex. The WW needs to realize that the BH did not ask was sex with the OM the best she ever had (which it was). So the best answer would be to say you enjoyed it as all adults do, after all who does not like sex. This allows the BH to think if he wants more detail. Honest and brutal would be to say the sex was the best ever, OM was huge, could last for and hour, and do it four times in a six hour period. This took all control away from the BH. I am not saying you were brutal on purpose rather use this post to enlighten the people that are new to dealing with affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
Grizzly101 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Road - I am not being evasive with him. I am telling him everything he asks. At first I was evasive. I think I wrote that in the above post, maybe I didn't communicate it well. I deserve the pain of having to answer the questions. You do the crime, you do the time. In the beginning I wanted to save him more heartbreak. But I am brutally honest with him and 100% transparent with anything he wants to know. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Actually talking in the dark can make it easier for both the WS and the BS. Many times the WS, the BS, or both find it to hard to ask and answer face to face. So then do it by emailing each other. Better to get the truth out. phone to phone, text, as long as the truth gets out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grizzly101 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 The phone and the dark has worked well for my H. I think it could get lost in translation through text. You can hear tone and the way things are worded. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 well we did not have internet in those days so talking was our only option...well i guess we could have written it down with pencil and paper. But i told all of the ugly truth....and he knows i told him everything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VeryBrokenMan Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) I answered every question i was asked as honestly as i could. I am a talker....so one of the things i regret is..I talked too much. I should have answered the questions and not elaborated unless he asked. Once the words were out of my mouth i could never take them back. I gave way too many details. We did much of our talking laying in bed in the dark. Huge mistake. I could not see his face as i answered...I could not see how i was ripping his heart out. I have many many mistakes in our healing process. This was one. This is exactly when we have our conversations. Around 4am in the dark laying side by side. It's when the truth comes out when she does not have to look me in the eyes. For some reason the truth feels so much better than the lies so I'm glad I'm getting it and I think it helps. I expected (and expect) to hear the truth to everything I ask. And I've wanted to know some very intimate details and as bazaar as it sounds knowing those details helped me. I'm sure others will feel differently. Edited February 17, 2015 by VeryBrokenMan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 BS, how much details of your WS infidelity do/did you want to know/hear? (If reconciliation was on the table). Every ****ing Detail Do/did you expect every detail and if so (since they lied in the first place) do you feel you are not given the whole truth? I did expect every detail and got nothing close to the truth. If your WS doesn't want to discuss details or they just want to give the *coles version* how does communication go if you need/expect to know more? How much does your need to know impact the reconciliation? I think in order for R to happen the full truth needs to be out in the open and any detail the BS needs. Unfortunately many times the WS omits information in order to protect themselves from additional fallout or consequence to themselves. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I think in order for R to happen the full truth needs to be out in the open and any detail the BS needs. Unfortunately many times the WS omits information in order to protect themselves from additional fallout or consequence to themselves. The truth is necessary during marraige and reconciliation! It's shocking enough that our WSs lied constantly through their teeth, to our faces, in our marital beds EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and even in my case, on their children's dying oaths DURING our marriage. THEN when we realise they are confirmed liars and cheats, say so to their faces with the lights on, DEMAND the truth for once, they decide not to tell the truth still?? Wtf. I gave my WH an "ammesty" period where for a week he had to tell me everything. I'm certain he lied his a$$ off at times. And I'm positive that in MY case he only lied to protect his precious a$$ too. He didn't lie to me to "protect" ME! From what? The overwhelming, unbelievable, earth shattering news of his infidelity had ALREADY broken my heart clean in 2. Our family, our shared future, everything was gone because he wanted an affair and he shat on her too when he was done. If he'd had a noble cell in his body (which he doesn't) he would've protected himself and us by NOT GOING THERE. Major character flaws and personality disorders all cheaters have. IMHO ofcourse. Lion Heart. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 The truth is necessary during marraige and reconciliation! It's shocking enough that our WSs lied constantly through their teeth, to our faces, in our marital beds EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and even in my case, on their children's dying oaths DURING our marriage. THEN when we realise they are confirmed liars and cheats, say so to their faces with the lights on, DEMAND the truth for once, they decide not to tell the truth still?? Wtf. I gave my WH an "ammesty" period where for a week he had to tell me everything. I'm certain he lied his a$$ off at times. And I'm positive that in MY case he only lied to protect his precious a$$ too. He didn't lie to me to "protect" ME! From what? The overwhelming, unbelievable, earth shattering news of his infidelity had ALREADY broken my heart clean in 2. Our family, our shared future, everything was gone because he wanted an affair and he shat on her too when he was done. If he'd had a noble cell in his body (which he doesn't) he would've protected himself and us by NOT GOING THERE. Major character flaws and personality disorders all cheaters have. IMHO ofcourse. Lion Heart. Yup! I love this post BTW it speaks to me! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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