Mother In Law: Through The Looking Glass

[beatcuff]

And picture he has is very very insulting....he was insulted!

 

confused, so forgive the A and the WS but NOT the ones supporting the WS.

 

 

WOW talk about misdirected anger.

[Midwestmissy]

I've been reading this thread and can't hold it in any longer. Here goes:

 

I have a narc mil. We had spent 17 yrs living far away from her and the rest of the in laws and had a lovely marriage. We moved back to her 2 yrs ago, and my h promptly began an affair. It was a family business, with mil in charge, and my h and his sib as partners. Mil let me know that I was not part of my marriage any more, he was back to being her partner. He refused to believe she had said this, even tho I had never made false accusations about her before. He reverted immediately back to being the golden child, entitled, deserving of adoration. I saw a train wreck coming as a result of his decisions, and since I wasn't adoring his greatness (never a part of our marriage), he found a married co worker who worshipped him for making crappy decisions and blew sunshine up his backside. The path to her vag was very well worn and quite easy to follow, so the only work came in lying to his harpy wife. The more he worked with her, the more applause he got from mom, who of course paid for their hotel rooms (she wasn't aware of the pa). They applauded his idiocy, while I was at home w 3 kids sobbing for 6 mos, unaware of what was going on but aware that he was gone. Of course he came home to a wreck of a wife and upset kids, so back to work he went. Rinse. Repeat.

 

When it all blew up after the affair ended, I begged my mil, as she's been my family for over 25 yrs, for help in my recovery. Because I was living very far from home and had no support. Her reaction was to make sure the ow continued to report directly to my h and ignore me. That was 11 mos ago. Crickets. She's a marriage therapist btw. That's the freaking business. The only non therapist is my h, the $$ guy. I have gone nc by default and my h is disgusted w his mother (and himself) and supports me. The ow worshipped my mil, presented her with intimate gifts, handwritten notes about what an amazing woman she is, her greatness of course was in giving birth to my h. So they were on the same page there, I think mil would have loved the ow in her life not me. Ew. No boundaries between family, work, friendships. Boundaries are not cool, mil views herself as supremely cool. My h finally fired the blatantly incompetent breadwinner ow, married mother of 4, now unemployed. Turns out everyone thought she did a terrible job, but nobody wanted to deal.

 

See, when you're a narc who thinks your son is your spouse, the only thing that matters is the appearance of an intact family. Any authenticity is just too much hard work, but behaving like a grande dame of the family is easy peasy lemon squeezey. Unhappy dil? Ew, too much emotional work, but let's all have a fancy Xmas lunch together and fake it because the folks at the restaurant will be in awe of our togetherness and that's easy ego stroking. Let's tell the servers all the great ways I'm a perfect grandmother and ignore every grandchild for 3 hrs. At least the server will think I'm awesome, and it will have taken so much less work than being a good kind listening grandma.

 

She got this business when her 2d h died a few yrs ago. He had originally hired the ow and cheated with her too, on my mil. But maintain appearances people! Never deal directly with a problem! Sweep it under the family rug, plenty of room there.

 

There are a lot of therapists making $ off my h's foo issues right now. After almost 30 yrs together, I'm in shock at how well that family presented itself and how many boundaries were crossed. I protested for years was but was always invalidated. Never underestimate a narc - they suck the air out of every room they're in, rendering you breathless and unable to react. It's uber effective.

 

I need a drink after writing that out.

[TrustedthenBusted]

confused, so forgive the A and the WS but NOT the ones supporting the WS.

 

 

WOW talk about misdirected anger.

 

I don't understand this. What does one have to do with the other?

 

My wife screwed up, admitted it, has been remorseful, and working hard for 5 years dealing with the fallout. I have forgiven her, and we are trying to build a better relationship.

 

My mother in law didn't support me, has never felt, or shown any remorse for her ridiculous actions, and to this day still acts like my wife is the Golden Child. My feelings ( I wouldn't call it anger ) toward my mother in law are exactly what they are, based on her past actions and current state of affairs.

 

You ever been mad at two people and only made up with the one friend who asked for, and deserved your forgiveness? Does that automatically make your feelings toward the one you haven't made up with misdirected?

[fellini]

Exactly. What some people don't seem to realize is that sometimes the MIL is not just acting out support, she is continuing an attitudinal line that began long before the A was discovered. The A, and her support for her daughter is just more fuel for a deep seated but unspoken dislike for the marriage.

 

This is what bothered me the most in my case both MIL and two SILs "supporting" the WS - but it's really not support, it's driving a wedge. It is possible to offer true support to both sides of the marriage, but when a family chooses not to, you might as well make your concept of family much reduced at that point, because they have shown their true colours when the going gets tough.

 

Yes, work with a wayward who asks for and struggles for forgiveness. NO don't bother with smug inlaws who stick their necks in when none is asking for it and show no remorse for making things worse.

 

 

I don't understand this. What does one have to do with the other?

 

My wife screwed up, admitted it, has been remorseful, and working hard for 5 years dealing with the fallout. I have forgiven her, and we are trying to build a better relationship.

 

My mother in law didn't support me, has never felt, or shown any remorse for her ridiculous actions, and to this day still acts like my wife is the Golden Child. My feelings ( I wouldn't call it anger ) toward my mother in law are exactly what they are, based on her past actions and current state of affairs.

 

You ever been mad at two people and only made up with the one friend who asked for, and deserved your forgiveness? Does that automatically make your feelings toward the one you haven't made up with misdirected?

[bigman1]

I'm gonna agree with the misdirected anger post. The WS pledged their fidelity and then betrayed you. It would have continued but for discovery and after they thought they'd lose their family (not just the BS), they start to work on fixing what they freely and joyfully put at risk for some fun with another. I feel that because you wanted them so bad that you were willing to take them back no matter what.... and there was no final straw cause what else could they have done to you? On the other hand you have the in laws, whom you don't have the same affection or need for in your life.

 

They cross a line that is so inconsequential in the grand scheme. They pledged no fidelity to you and you kick them to the curb. Why? Because you could not kick you WS to that same curb. Nothing wrong with wanting to stay married. It's like those who beat up on someone else's WS. Its easy cause you don't love them like their own. In short, you kick the ass that you can.

 

As far as a WS working their ass off. That is irrelevant. The issue is not how they fix it, its that they broke it in the first place. I also think dropping the WS folks is a way to punish the WS. They lose time with family as a result of their affair.

 

Still, if it works for you, then you owe no explanation.

[fellini]

It strikes me amazing that the BS mantra in LS is to cut all ties with coworkers and/or friends who performed any enabling tasks during an affair. Kick anyone who is not a friend of the marriage to the curb. No one debates this. So why shouldn't he personally distance himself from a meddling MIL who did not put the marriage first, and in fact continued to attempt to enable her contact. She is in fact worse than coworkers because there is blood between them that muddies the waters.

 

How can you or anyone else DEBATE or worse question his motives for booting enablers to the curb regardless of how he is managing his MARRIAGE?

 

Surely you see the hypocrisy.

 

 

I'm gonna agree with the misdirected anger post. The WS pledged their fidelity and then betrayed you. It would have continued but for discovery and after they thought they'd lose their family (not just the BS), they start to work on fixing what they freely and joyfully put at risk for some fun with another. I feel that because you wanted them so bad that you were willing to take them back no matter what.... and there was no final straw cause what else could they have done to you? On the other hand you have the in laws, whom you don't have the same affection or need for in your life.

 

They cross a line that is so inconsequential in the grand scheme. They pledged no fidelity to you and you kick them to the curb. Why? Because you could not kick you WS to that same curb. Nothing wrong with wanting to stay married. It's like those who beat up on someone else's WS. Its easy cause you don't love them like their own. In short, you kick the ass that you can.

 

As far as a WS working their ass off. That is irrelevant. The issue is not how they fix it, its that they broke it in the first place. I also think dropping the WS folks is a way to punish the WS. They lose time with family as a result of their affair.

 

Still, if it works for you, then you owe no explanation.

[bigman1]

i'm not sure I follow. Booting enablers of the affair is fine. Not booting them is fine. My point is that THE primary offender, the one who most likely recruited, bribed or otherwise sought out the enablers gets a pass. If they encouraged or entreated the WS to cheat, fine. If they were lured in by the WS, then its misdirected. Still, if they are family, shouldn't that be repaired, too?

 

It is, to me, misdirected anger to write them off when in fact the key culprit is the WS. Again, I stand on my last post. I don't blame, condemn, or criticize working it out with the WS.

 

I ALSO just think that some blame shifting to the so called enablers is done and the WS gets a pass on how they poisoned that relationship to cheat. That's a new point.

[fellini]

Maybe you haven't read the entire thread. His story is clear. He knows where blame lies. He is not blaming the mother to avoid issues with the WS. Read his posts. He is 5 years post dday still dealing with reconciliation. Nothing he has said indicates he has done what you claim. What is clear is his MIL, from his posts has done nothing to apologise or recognise her intervention in terms of their recovery, worse, she didn't support it.

 

I'm going through the same with less than 2 years post dday, and not near saving our marriage. As in his case it's HER family, and he wants nothing more to do with them .

 

I get that. I know the position. It's not born out of anger rather acceptance of the realities put before us.

 

 

 

 

i'm not sure I follow. Booting enablers of the affair is fine. Not booting them is fine. My point is that THE primary offender, the one who most likely recruited, bribed or otherwise sought out the enablers gets a pass. If they encouraged or entreated the WS to cheat, fine. If they were lured in by the WS, then its misdirected. Still, if they are family, shouldn't that be repaired, too?

 

It is, to me, misdirected anger to write them off when in fact the key culprit is the WS. Again, I stand on my last post. I don't blame, condemn, or criticize working it out with the WS.

 

I ALSO just think that some blame shifting to the so called enablers is done and the WS gets a pass on how they poisoned that relationship to cheat. That's a new point.

Edited December 25, 2014 by fellini

[thummper]

I see your point, but I really don't think my anger is misdirected. In fact, I don't think it's anger at all. I'm not mad. If anything, I've just pulled back my investment in that relationship, because I see that the investment isn't mutual. /

 

You know, with her father, it is completely different. ( they are divorced ) I truly feel that he has embraced me as a son, and would totally have my back if he knew the story. He's proven time and time again that he is well aware of some of his daughters faults, and has praised my ability to work with her through them. We're very close.

 

Now perhaps I've bought into the hype with him too, but I don't see that as a bad thing ( not that you are suggesting it is ) I believed what I said on the altar, and I believe what THEY all said too.

 

Clearly, some meant it, and others did not.

 

What matters is that I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.

 

 

Just curious as to why you didn't share the story with him or any other family members?

[bigman1]

I read the thread. I also get the point. I still stand by my points. Perhaps my response is best reserved for it's own thread so as not to thread jack. His MIL's actions still merit digging into as eventually this crisis will pass and family will be in your life at some point, like it or not. Even those you cut off. Time and circumstance undue all plans of men.

 

I'm sorry that you are in the same struggle. I hope you heal better than most.

[Radu]

 

See, when you're a narc who thinks your son is your spouse, the only thing that matters is the appearance of an intact family. Any authenticity is just too much hard work, but behaving like a grande dame of the family is easy peasy lemon squeezey. Unhappy dil? Ew, too much emotional work, but let's all have a fancy Xmas lunch together and fake it because the folks at the restaurant will be in awe of our togetherness and that's easy ego stroking. Let's tell the servers all the great ways I'm a perfect grandmother and ignore every grandchild for 3 hrs. At least the server will think I'm awesome, and it will have taken so much less work than being a good kind listening grandma.

 

She got this business when her 2d h died a few yrs ago. He had originally hired the ow and cheated with her too, on my mil. But maintain appearances people! Never deal directly with a problem! Sweep it under the family rug, plenty of room there.

 

There are a lot of therapists making $ off my h's foo issues right now. After almost 30 yrs together, I'm in shock at how well that family presented itself and how many boundaries were crossed. I protested for years was but was always invalidated. Never underestimate a narc - they suck the air out of every room they're in, rendering you breathless and unable to react. It's uber effective.

 

I need a drink after writing that out.

 

So true, these ppl are not ppl, they are hollow ... there's a black hole there, and they view others as black holes too, ones with whom they have to compete.

 

The golden/rotten child dynamic exists to separate the kids, because at some level they are either too much work, or the narc is afraid of them.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Just finished hosting a huge xmas dinner. It was a nice time and everyone was happy. I smiled and gave my wife's mother a big hug and we exchanged gifts and all that. She is my wife's mother. She is my kids grandmother. She ain't going any where anytime soon. Holding G a grudge against her only keeps the issue in the spot light. So I try not to give it, or her, that power.

 

That said, I accept that she is the way she is, and she now gets from me, exactly what I get from her. Pleasant company......but not love.

 

I didn't tell my father in law because I see no reason to. Especially now. He's a very loving and caring guy and I already know he'd do the right thing.

 

He's been through it before and it was the end of his marriage. Ironically perhaps, it was his marriage to my wife's mother.

[beatcuff]

It strikes me amazing that the BS mantra in LS is to cut all ties with coworkers and/or friends who performed any enabling tasks during an affair. Kick anyone who is not a friend of the marriage to the curb. No one debates this. So why shouldn't he personally distance himself from a meddling MIL who did not put the marriage first

 

 

I really wanted to let this go... honest. but SERIOUSLY, tell us you do not have children. you would turn your back on your child because of a choice they made???

 

 

A may destroy the M but it does not change: a child that I took care of since birth including countless sick nights, cleaning up puke, dealing with their fears, helping them with their homework (and realizing how stupid I have become) driving them 'everywhere', teaching them to drive, staring out the window at night wondering where they are, holding them after their SO left them.

 

 

you seriously do not think your W did not call her mommy (at least once a week, if not daily: they do that) and tell her about 'troubles' in the M.

 

 

forget all that.....

 

 

why should MIL ask for forgiveness from YOU because you failed to understand her child comes first, second and third (read my other posts). and with a D rate at 50% why would MIL et al see it any other way.

 

 

I guess I have a very different opinion on family.

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

 

why should MIL ask for forgiveness from YOU because you failed to understand her child comes first, second and third (read my other posts). .

 

Um, because she was rude, insensitive, and downright hurtful to me? Where I come from, you apologize for things like that, regardless of the players involved.

 

Remember... I'm not just some marital statistic. I AM FAMILY too. I am the father of her grandchildren.

[Rainbowlove]

If she said, I'm sorry to you for the hurtful things I said, that would make you feel how?

[TrustedthenBusted]

If she said, I'm sorry to you for the hurtful things I said, that would make you feel how?

 

It would make me feel like our relationship is important enough to her that she felt compelled to apologize.

 

At this point though... meh...

 

As I think I might have mentioned, there have been a few issues over the years where she had to choose a side and she always chooses her daughter.

 

Honestly, I think she has her own issues. She was estranged from her own mother, and sister, and two husbands... so her two kids are all that's left, and she simply isn't going to mess with that.

 

It's not a healthy way to live if you ask me... but what do I know?

[Rainbowlove]

Honestly, I think she has her own issues. She was estranged from her own mother, and sister, and two husbands... so her two kids are all that's left, and she simply isn't going to mess with that.

 

Then just let it be about her issues.

 

By expecting her to apologize to validate you or your relationship, you are making it your issue.

 

Own what you can own. This is not yours to own, so let it go and find forgiveness for her b/c it serves you and your marriage well.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Then just let it be about her issues.

 

By expecting her to apologize to validate you or your relationship, you are making it your issue.

 

Own what you can own. This is not yours to own, so let it go and find forgiveness for her b/c it serves you and your marriage well.

 

Yeah, I've made peace with it.

 

It just surfaced again when I learned she was moving close by.

 

But it is what it is.

 

 

In the end, I think it actually bothers my wife more than it does me ( her moving here )

[merrmeade]

Yeah, I've made peace with it.

 

It just surfaced again when I learned she was moving close by.

Yes, this is my problem with my H's renewed relationship with my nephews two years out from his 3-year affair with their mother. It's worse, of course, that the MIL was abusive in your case and mitigating in mine that my nephews are/were innocent. Point is - they knew and they are uncomfortable with the BS family member for whatever reason. It's not fair. It's just not fair to the BS to have to be the big person here.

 

The reconciled spouses need to have a united, identifiable front. That seems clear to me. If everyone can see and understand it, they're protected by protecting each other.

[fellini]

IF THE MIL wants to give unconditional support to her children, fine. That's between them.

 

But a MIL who supports her daughter continuing to cross boundaries knowing that her son iin law is in pain is not worthy of continuing to work with as family.

 

My WS has all the freedom to continue her life with her mother as she sees fit. My daughter has not lost a grandmother. It's not life shattering if my MIL and I no longer have contact. Even less so between myself and my sisters in law. My family is myself, my wife and child. They are my extended family, and for all intents and purposes no longer function that way.

 

In my case it's not about saying sorry: they all made it clear that they wanted to use our dday to get my WS to leave the marriage. WHEN they heard her say she was going to try to work through it, they told her not to be "blackmailed". These are not family. There is nothing to apologise for, they made it clear they wished I wasn't married to their family. There was no need to ask for an apology for being clear about how they see me. You apologise for things you shouldn't have done or said, not for truths you hold.

 

It would be worse for me to show my daughter that's it's okay to spend hours surrounded by people who are showing genuine emotion to each other but not to those who are not blood.

 

For me it's family when they can embrace me like one of their own, so I don't know why you think my view of familia is scewed. It's not something i want my child to learn or see. So I stay out of it. She sees what is real family to me when we visit my side and my entire family treats me, my WS - who some of them know what has happened between us and all "inlaws" the same. That's what I want her to learn from me.

 

 

 

I really wanted to let this go... honest. but SERIOUSLY, tell us you do not have children. you would turn your back on your child because of a choice they made???

 

 

A may destroy the M but it does not change: a child that I took care of since birth including countless sick nights, cleaning up puke, dealing with their fears, helping them with their homework (and realizing how stupid I have become) driving them 'everywhere', teaching them to drive, staring out the window at night wondering where they are, holding them after their SO left them.

 

 

you seriously do not think your W did not call her mommy (at least once a week, if not daily: they do that) and tell her about 'troubles' in the M.

 

 

forget all that.....

 

 

why should MIL ask for forgiveness from YOU because you failed to understand her child comes first, second and third (read my other posts). and with a D rate at 50% why would MIL et al see it any other way.

 

 

I guess I have a very different opinion on family.

[Midwestmissy]

There's a big difference between a parent being a friend to the marriage/family and being a friend only to the ws. My mil is a friend to my wh after 25 yrs of pretending and publicly displaying that she was my best friend super cool young mil. She hasn't reached out to me or the kids in 12 months. We are problems that require emotions and have been brushed aside. She has a new boyfriend so her happiness is now on display. Since we are heartbroken and don't respect her cheating son, we are ruining her image of perfection and frankly killing her buzz. She's a hollow chocolate Easter bunny. If I sound bitter, it's because losing 2 family members, my mil and my h, to deception and phony crap is very painful.

 

My sister in law, who was never the golden child and always dumped on? We were never very close. She has been a friend to me, my h, my children and the marriage since the affair broke. She just appears when necessary for a hug and a giggle. I met her when she was an obnoxious teenager and we are in our 40s now and she has come through for me all while being supportive of her brother, my h. She also keeps my mil out if the conversation. It takes character and she has it.

[Lion Heart]

This seems to be the common theme with the in-laws. My D-Day I made sure everybody knew what my wife did. I was so pissed off. I told her parents, my family, neighbors etc. I really didn't care cause I didn't think I was staying. Her parents told me to keep things hush and it was private. I got that line as well that it must have been "something I had done" to make her have an affair. I too had a good relationship with my in laws. My burning disgust for her family is un-repairable. I don't think that relationship will ever be salvageable. So did you stay in your marriage for the kids?

 

^^^^ SNAP! I did that too! STILL doing it and it's my business to do so, yours too.

I work with 50 adults closely & up to 1000+ other adults. At first I only told 3 people, then remembered another colleague it happened to 2 years ago. She told ONE person at work. After a while everyone knew anyway. So just in case I have "a moment" at work, I know that everyone knows and will cut me some slack. I told everyone to tell everyone else, saves me the trouble. (But crikeys those 2 males who've been attempting to hit on me for years will go to town now errrghhh). 6 weeks since D Day. Start back at work tomorrow.

Note to self: be yourself!

Tell boss about sexual harassment.

 

On D Day I phoned my mil 2nd just to let her know that WH may turn up to live there if he didn't move into APs that night. And why. She feigned ignorance! The BS liar too! She knew and was smoke screening WITH WH. Uurrrgh. WH was taught by the masters. F*** them.

 

Yeah then MIL blamed me first! The hide. My response to a woman who doesn't say 'bum' easily. " This was not MY doing. So right, now I drove my husband to her place unzipped blah blah sucked blah blah every. . . minute. ..... little ...... detail. Ha

 

Then she blamed AP! Calling her names beyond bum. Tut tut. I defended AP and said "your son was the S*** not her. HE was married not her blah blah BLAME HIM IT'S HIS FAULT!!!!!". In time as more was divulged, she did! For three whole days.

 

GET WITH THE PROGRAM! Honesty.

 

And now the pressures on for the performance of my life! A 3 day family reunion with 150 of them next weekend! Hah. And THEY want me to go???? They want to show off their 4 perfect children (NOT) in their 4 perfect marraiges (not) with their miraculous multiple birth triplet & twin plus many singleton g.children. yes I concede, they're great. I'm going with my kids for 2 reasons 1) they didn't get a nice summer break

2) I want them to meet who NOT to marry (we come from 2 huge families). That's it.

 

But me? Oh their advice to me is if I get " a little upset (what I'm merely a little upset now?) to go back to the cabin, have a cry, tidy myself up then rejoin the party". Vomitville you mean????

 

Think I'll drive to my friends farm nearby and get rolling drunk with her and swim in the dam with the brown snakes! I'm gonna be FAR SAFER there! Ha ha

 

LH