Have My Ideals Lost Me Romances

[Leigh 87]

Being single, I have observed a few things.

 

I lost out on a potential romance a month or two ago because I assume a guy isn't into me if he isn't going full steam ahead and dropping everything in order to meet me.

 

A few men in my life have sparked this topic of discussion, as I always had the notion that there is ALWAYS "that woman" where a guy will take note from, DATE ONE and be super into her from the get go....

Some men are keen to go full steam ahead and date you after one or two meetings - they know if they feel true potential for a long term relationship and they are really into you and the idea of a relationship with you from DATE ONE. Where as other men will meet you, be into you but then want to wait until you get to know each other properly before establishing whether there is any potential.

 

I have ALWAYS believed that there will ALWAYS be those girls a man will meet, and even after the first or second meeting, the guy will be smitten; into the girl enough to want to date her and only her, and to claim her all to himself albeit not in a serious capacity (no healthy guy would go serious that early on)

 

Am I wrong though? Are ALL men capable of meeting a woman where they just think wow, she knocked my socks off, I am super interested in her and only her, I definitely want to date her?

 

Or do some men need time to establish whether or not it is just a physical fleeting thing?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want to know if I have realistic expectations, I ruined something with a guy not so long ago because while he was clearly into me, I assumed he WASNT into me simply because he wasn't dropping everything to see me, when I hadn't seen him in one year since first meeting him and he had no reason to drop everything for me....

[Andy_K]

Depends what you mean by dropping everything.

 

I'm the sort of guy who would be willing to show the clear level of interest you're after wishing a couple dates, but that doesn't mean I'd drop everything. I wouldn't cancel plans I'd already made, I would simply prioritise making dates before anything else filled up my calendar, as it were. So planning the next date within a day or two of the previous one, that sort of thing.

 

A sincere effort in other words, but far from 'dropping everything'

[Chemist]

There are a few things at play here.

 

First, let's discuss 'the game' that sometimes we must play. If we go full on for a girl we have just met and had two dates with, it can A) Freak them out! Why is this guy sooo in love with me so quick! Weird! B) Some girls, as soon as they know they can get you, they are ready to find someone who wasn't so easy (they like the thrill of not knowing). So as guys, we must down play our interest at first.. play it cool.

 

Secondly, responsibility of someones' heart/emotions/happiness is heavy. I mean not complete responsibility, but you know what I mean. We only want to push things forward and risk hurting someone if we think that there is potential, hence we want to get to know you first. This does not hold true for guys who just want to bang. Now, the other caveat, and to be honest, most of the time we will go on a date with a girl only if we already want to bang her, but the relationship depends on her personality, so I will also go slow to see if she is dating material or someone I just want to fulfill my needs.

 

Now, these are more like the rules, but there are exceptions. For instance, I have recently met this girl who I knew, I don't know how I knew, but I did, that I wanted her. I want her badly still. There is something about her, so yes, there are cases when this happens, but they are rare. Super rare, and I have had great relationships where it wasn't like this. I also have had two really bad ones where it was like this. I realllly tend to think that fast feelings are really more shallow and lustful than true love. Love is deep, it is about character, personality, emotions, compatibility... these things can't possible present themselves in two meetings.

 

'Do I believe in love at first sight, I don't know, it happens all the time.' Famous line, and I think true love is rare enough that the beatles were talking about lust.

[Leigh 87]

Well I want to wait until I find a man and I really knock his socks off.

 

Now, when you meet the type of woman you are really attracted to and who you really feel the wow factor with, how many times do you need to meet her to decide to date her?

 

I have met men who know after date one that they want to pursue a woman.

 

Then I have met guys who tell me no, no matter how much they like a woman, that first impressions mean little to them because they have to get to know a woman and meet her a few times, some guys even suggest a month or so of meetings..

[Leigh 87]

There are a few things at play here.

 

First, let's discuss 'the game' that sometimes we must play. If we go full on for a girl we have just met and had two dates with, it can A) Freak them out! Why is this guy sooo in love with me so quick! Weird! B) Some girls, as soon as they know they can get you, they are ready to find someone who wasn't so easy (they like the thrill of not knowing). So as guys, we must down play our interest at first.. play it cool.

 

Secondly, responsibility of someones' heart/emotions/happiness is heavy. I mean not complete responsibility, but you know what I mean. We only want to push things forward and risk hurting someone if we think that there is potential, hence we want to get to know you first. This does not hold true for guys who just want to bang. Now, the other caveat, and to be honest, most of the time we will go on a date with a girl only if we already want to bang her, but the relationship depends on her personality, so I will also go slow to see if she is dating material or someone I just want to fulfill my needs.

 

Now, these are more like the rules, but there are exceptions. For instance, I have recently met this girl who I knew, I don't know how I knew, but I did, that I wanted her. I want her badly still. There is something about her, so yes, there are cases when this happens, but they are rare. Super rare, and I have had great relationships where it wasn't like this. I also have had two really bad ones where it was like this. I realllly tend to think that fast feelings are really more shallow and lustful than true love. Love is deep, it is about character, personality, emotions, compatibility... these things can't possible present themselves in two meetings.

 

'Do I believe in love at first sight, I don't know, it happens all the time.' Famous line, and I think true love is rare enough that the beatles were talking about lust.

 

Well I am after those rare instances where a guy meets me and knows that want me right away.

 

I want to be that girl you have recently met and not the girls you had a much slower burning interest for.

 

I do not go for the hot guys and I try to date guys who are less attractive than myself so that way I feel they are more likely to think WOW when they first lay eyes on me.

[todreaminblue]

I think going full steam ahead early on is a mistake......i always like to know a guy pretty well before I date them...ill let them know i like them more than just as a friend and go from there.....i certainly dont expect them to drop their lives for me...that really doesnt work out too well from what i know......its good to have other interests and commitments......to have friends that both enjoy spending time with together or apart.......when two people eventually become serious and a couple, then thats when you consider your partner in choices you make.......if you make plans with a partner unless it is an emergency situation you keep them ...same with friends.......no one should completely drop their life for someone else......long term friends want to see you happy...that means sharing them with them as well......you dont just have friends when you are single......they continue to be part of your life....you meld your relationship in...assimilate not ignore or drop......

 

alone time is also important....time to reflect and to plan and to even daydream or fulfill the responsibilities you already have on your plate.......for me full steam ahead for me is claiming exclusivity, and then letting them have a life other than just me.....I think leigh basically expecting or forcing someone to spend time with you other than letting them have some time for themselves or friends or others....is a mistake...i do think it causes issues and resentment....i dont think or feel in anyway does it show a guy is less interested because he spends time away.......i think it shows a sustainable relationship.......a possibly more long lasting one...not a flash in the pan....but a casserole instead........deb

[Chemist]

1. Well I am after those rare instances where a guy meets me and knows that want me right away.

 

 

I want to be that girl you have recently met and not the girls you had a much slower burning interest for.

 

2. I do not go for the hot guys and I try to date guys who are less attractive than myself so that way I feel they are more likely to think WOW when they first lay eyes on me.

 

 

 

1.

Yeah, then you will suffer a lot from those that are just lust. Though if your heart can handle it, more power to you. My heart handles the rejection from only going after the amazing ones I feel that way about and get rejected.

 

2.

So you want to rock a guys socks off on first sight, but do not care about the status of your footware? Don't you also want to feel like your winning a lotto too? This seems strange, more like you want to feel comfortable and not taking a risk to love someone amazing who might not love you back. I think it is okay to want to rock a dudes socks off, but this seems like you would settle for any dude willing to go nuts for you. May I direct you too http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/504192-i-am-getting-really-upset-i-need-meet-women

[Leigh 87]

1.

Yeah, then you will suffer a lot from those that are just lust. Though if your heart can handle it, more power to you. My heart handles the rejection from only going after the amazing ones I feel that way about and get rejected.

 

2.

So you want to rock a guys socks off on first sight, but do not care about the status of your footware? Don't you also want to feel like your winning a lotto too? This seems strange, more like you want to feel comfortable and not taking a risk to love someone amazing who might not love you back. I think it is okay to want to rock a dudes socks off, but this seems like you would settle for any dude willing to go nuts for you. May I direct you too http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/504192-i-am-getting-really-upset-i-need-meet-women

 

 

 

 

My friend met her partner and they instantly felt passion and fire works.

 

They are still together and they are best friends as well as very passionate lovers.

 

Yes she is beautiful but surely cute girls like me can get that same instant chemistry and fire works, and with a guy who will also adore us?

 

I don't care what profession they are in as long as they have a job and can provide for themselves.

 

I am not setting the bar too high in terms of the guys I look for - just average joes who have a job and who are nice people.

[Leigh 87]

1.

Yeah, then you will suffer a lot from those that are just lust. Though if your heart can handle it, more power to you. My heart handles the rejection from only going after the amazing ones I feel that way about and get rejected.

 

2.

So you want to rock a guys socks off on first sight, but do not care about the status of your footware? Don't you also want to feel like your winning a lotto too? This seems strange, more like you want to feel comfortable and not taking a risk to love someone amazing who might not love you back. I think it is okay to want to rock a dudes socks off, but this seems like you would settle for any dude willing to go nuts for you. May I direct you too http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/504192-i-am-getting-really-upset-i-need-meet-women

 

And no I don't settle for any dude that goes nuts for me.

 

I happen to have a few guys that go nuts for me but whom I don't reciprocate that feeling for.

 

I have rejected guys who had great jobs and were attractive and yet who felt instant chemistry towards me - who I DID NOT feel it back for...

 

I left a guy recently due to not having fireworks for him.

[Leigh 87]

I think going full steam ahead early on is a mistake......i always like to know a guy pretty well before I date them...ill let them know i like them more than just as a friend and go from there.....i certainly dont expect them to drop their lives for me...that really doesnt work out too well from what i know......its good to have other interests and commitments......to have friends that both enjoy spending time with together or apart.......when two people eventually become serious and a couple, then thats when you consider your partner in choices you make.......if you make plans with a partner unless it is an emergency situation you keep them ...same with friends.......no one should completely drop their life for someone else......long term friends want to see you happy...that means sharing them with them as well......you dont just have friends when you are single......they continue to be part of your life....you meld your relationship in...assimilate not ignore or drop......

 

alone time is also important....time to reflect and to plan and to even daydream or fulfill the responsibilities you already have on your plate.......for me full steam ahead for me is claiming exclusivity, and then letting them have a life other than just me.....I think leigh basically expecting or forcing someone to spend time with you other than letting them have some time for themselves or friends or others....is a mistake...i do think it causes issues and resentment....i dont think or feel in anyway does it show a guy is less interested because he spends time away.......i think it shows a sustainable relationship.......a possibly more long lasting one...not a flash in the pan....but a casserole instead........deb

 

 

yes I want to go slow, but with a guy where there is still instant fire works.

[TigerLilly78]

My friend met her partner and they instantly felt passion and fire works.

 

They are still together and they are best friends as well as very passionate lovers.

 

Yes she is beautiful but surely cute girls like me can get that same instant chemistry and fire works, and with a guy who will also adore us?

 

Are we taking about what was being discussed in your last thread here were you sleep with these guys far to soon and then they lose interest? im guessing from the post above thats really what this thread is all about? correct me if im wrong..

[Leigh 87]

Are we taking about what was being discussed in your last thread here were you sleep with these guys far to soon and then they lose interest? im guessing from the post above thats really what this thread is all about? correct me if im wrong..

 

 

 

no this is entirely different this is my method in dating.

 

I wait out for guys who are smitten with me and who are really into me from date one.

[Leigh 87]

And therefore, I want a guy to be into me from the get go, rather than having to wait around to see if he is into me.

[TigerLilly78]

And therefore, I want a guy to be into me from the get go, rather than having to wait around to see if he is into me.

But real attraction (past the honey moon phase) takes time it takes that "wating around" to see if the inishinal attraction is real you do realize that no?

[Leigh 87]

But real attraction (past the honey moon phase) takes time it takes that "wating around" to see if the inishinal attraction is real you do realize that no?

 

 

 

Oh yes of course, you don't know a person even if you feel passion form day one.

 

I need the instant attraction and the fire works - AND to then have all the other ingredients for a lasting relationship.

 

I think it is entirely possible since I don't go for the types of guys who want the really pretty girls and I also don't care what they do for work and I am not fussy, just a genuinely nice guy who can support himself will do.

[Diezel]

Tread very carefully, you might end up being that woman at age 45 sitting at a bar wondering where all these "elusive good guys" were ever at and if they even exist... all the while, you were dumping them left and right because they didn't do things on your preconceived terms.

 

Personally, I've never known after just 2 dates.

 

Because by now, I KNOW BETTER. 4-6 hours of being someone is definitely NOT enough time to say that you could spend the rest of your life with someone. Have people gone through this and it works out? Sure.

 

But those are more of the exception than there are the rule.

 

Look, there is no such thing as a dating script. I know there are many websites out there dedicated to deciphering and decoding how we should and shouldn't do things, how to proceed or not. Do enough digging and you'll see that some sites contradict the other, so on and so forth.

 

Honestly, I'd be VERY weary of someone who was really into me that early on. There's a fine line between a high level of interest and neediness. Life is not a Hollywood movie and I've seen some of the most successful relationships ever be some where there WEREN'T instant fireworks. You could be writing guys off now that probably were better suited for you, but you just didn't feel that way because they weren't doing things your way.

 

The dating landscaped has changed over the past 10 years, drastically. It's no longer a world where men get to do 95% of the pursuing. I really do feel that you turning back men left and right because they don't meet the "fireworks level" that you seek, is actually what might be your biggest downfall in the long-term.

[TigerLilly78]

Agreed with the poster above the attraction grew in my relashionship it didn't start off with fireworks more two friends who learned just how much they really did like each other over time.

 

On the flip side ive had that instant attraction as well and those relationships fizzled over time. So yeah I think its better to build up to that instead of the other way around as this is the best relashionship ive found myself in to date..

[Leigh 87]

Agreed with the poster above the attraction grew in my relashionship it didn't start off with fireworks more two friends who learned just how much they really did like each other over time.

 

On the flip side ive had that instant attraction as well and those relationships fizzled over time. So yeah I think its better to build up to that instead of the other way around as this is the best relashionship ive found myself in to date..

 

 

What is wrong with going for instant attraction?

 

Some people find a partner they had instant attraction and fireworks with.

 

It is not that rare.

[Leigh 87]

Tread very carefully, you might end up being that woman at age 45 sitting at a bar wondering where all these "elusive good guys" were ever at and if they even exist... all the while, you were dumping them left and right because they didn't do things on your preconceived terms.

 

Personally, I've never known after just 2 dates.

 

Because by now, I KNOW BETTER. 4-6 hours of being someone is definitely NOT enough time to say that you could spend the rest of your life with someone. Have people gone through this and it works out? Sure.

 

But those are more of the exception than there are the rule.

 

Look, there is no such thing as a dating script. I know there are many websites out there dedicated to deciphering and decoding how we should and shouldn't do things, how to proceed or not. Do enough digging and you'll see that some sites contradict the other, so on and so forth.

 

Honestly, I'd be VERY weary of someone who was really into me that early on. There's a fine line between a high level of interest and neediness. Life is not a Hollywood movie and I've seen some of the most successful relationships ever be some where there WEREN'T instant fireworks. You could be writing guys off now that probably were better suited for you, but you just didn't feel that way because they weren't doing things your way.

 

The dating landscaped has changed over the past 10 years, drastically. It's no longer a world where men get to do 95% of the pursuing. I really do feel that you turning back men left and right because they don't meet the "fireworks level" that you seek, is actually what might be your biggest downfall in the long-term.

 

 

No I wouldn't be better off without the fire works.

 

I don't want to miss the first meeting and the first few dates where you get butterflies and you cannot wait for their texts.

 

Guys who do not give me this feeling are friends.

 

What is wrong with wanting instant chemistry and fire works, and then trying to see if you can also find someone who lasts long after the fire works?

 

Natural passion is important, rather than the kind that is never really there to begin with@!

 

You have to work a little harder in the passion and sex department if you don't start out with the fire works and natural chemistry.

[TigerLilly78]

What is wrong with going for instant attraction?

 

Some people find a partner they had instant attraction and fireworks with.

 

It is not that rare.

 

I have 36 years and many failed relashionships that give me the experiance to share my opnion on the matter you do realize that there are different view points? sorry I dident realise you are only looking for validation that what you are doing is the right way to go about things by all means carry on..I'll refrain from commenting any further on your threads then..best of luck

[nofeelings22]

Well I am after those rare instances where a guy meets me and knows that want me right away.

 

I want to be that girl you have recently met and not the girls you had a much slower burning interest for.

 

I do not go for the hot guys and I try to date guys who are less attractive than myself so that way I feel they are more likely to think WOW when they first lay eyes on me.

 

 

You're definitely sabotaging youself.

 

At this point in life, I am carefully choosing the right girl.

 

I date several, feel the instant connection with a couple, but resist that instant connection with all my will so that i can objectively figure out if the girl is someone who fits what I'm looking for or not.

 

It's very easy to go nuts over someone, but that's just a fling, usually, as the incompatibility comes up over time.

 

Also,guys who just go for the rush are either 1) desperate, 2) looking for a hookup and dump, or 3) impulsive and would make a lousy ltr anyway.

 

I'd change your approach immediately.

[Leigh 87]

You're definitely sabotaging youself.

 

At this point in life, I am carefully choosing the right girl.

 

I date several, feel the instant connection with a couple, but resist that instant connection with all my will so that i can objectively figure out if the girl is someone who fits what I'm looking for or not.

 

It's very easy to go nuts over someone, but that's just a fling, usually, as the incompatibility comes up over time.

 

Also,guys who just go for the rush are either 1) desperate, 2) looking for a hookup and dump, or 3) impulsive and would make a lousy ltr anyway.

 

I'd change your approach immediately.

 

 

 

What's wrong with wanting to find a guy who I have instant Chemistry with ?

 

Why should I go for the guys who are meh about me and have to grow to find me attractive ?

 

Why should I skip the butterflies and excitementand go for people who I am nnot excited to date ?

[Leigh 87]

Some people do go nuts for one another and have passion and also end up lasting.

[nofeelings22]

Some people do go nuts for one another and have passion and also end up lasting.

 

 

 

Right. And some people get struck by lightning.

[elaine567]

Some people do go nuts for one another and have passion and also end up lasting.

 

Seems to me you are hooked on this instant chemistry, Hollywood rom-com type of romance, and are refusing to accept people as they way they are.

 

I do not really believe that instant chemistry is necessary nor do I see it's presence or absence as a predictor of how a relationship will pan out.

I am aware of con artists who will lull you into bed with sweet words, I am aware of "charming" people who will sweep you off your feet but whose aim is to deceive and to control, I am also aware of superficial people who are "in love" with someone one week and "in love" with another the next week.

 

So good luck with your "instant chemistry".