Break up with a live-in mooching boyfriend

[No_Go]

Well, I am trying to, maybe I am too insecure though I am really afraid from his reaction, making in my head a lot of nasty scenarios.

 

ALL the utilities in the house are on my name, he can crank HUGE bills if I leave (he has done that when I left temporarily). I have ongoing immigration procedure to be scared about etc. Oh, and he knows my workplace so no way to do it all secretly.

 

Nevertheless: I found a place to stay, which I will be able to afford. So I am making steps, just not as determined as I should be (if he freaks out, all gets 100x worse been there).

 

But again, taking steps.

 

 

OP, your responses here show that you're not taking any stands to improve your living/financial situation, and that you're continuing to let your BF walk all over you.

 

Obviously, you're doing something wrong if your BF even considers it an OPTION to move with you to a new place. And his employment status shouldn't make one lick of difference in this situation.

 

You came to this forum and b*tch about how unfair this situation is, and everyone agreed with you that your BF has been appalling. You noted yourself that not one person gave even a hint of support for letting your BF stick around in your life.

 

But really nothing is going to change here until you find the strength to demand better for yourself.

[evanescentworld]

Well, I am trying to, maybe I am too insecure though I am really afraid from his reaction, making in my head a lot of nasty scenarios.

You are self-sabotaging, but if you know what he can be like, make sure such discussions are conducted with a witness present!

 

ALL the utilities in the house are on my name, he can crank HUGE bills if I leave (he has done that when I left temporarily).

Have the utilities shut down on a specific date. Then he can't crank up the bills, can he?

 

I have ongoing immigration procedure to be scared about etc.

I have no idea why on earth you should palce such fears on his shoulders. WHat immigration procedure? Why would he single-hadedly be able to sabotage that?

 

Oh, and he knows my workplace so no way to do it all secretly.

Advise work you refuse to accept personal calls unless you know the ID and number of the caller first. Tell security to prevent him coming in.

Refuse to accept any visits or calls from him at work.

Take out a restraining order on him, if necessary!

Don't be such a helpless ninny!!

 

Nevertheless: I found a place to stay, which I will be able to afford. So I am making steps, just not as determined as I should be (if he freaks out, all gets 100x worse been there).

Only because you let him intimidate you.

Like I said, engage with him only in front of witnesses. Part of your probelm is that you are letting your fears control you.

[Elle1975]

Ask for the full rent, if he doesn't comply, contact the landlord, and explain whats happening without dragging drama into it, and change the locks (give a double to the landlord). Second step, kick the mooch out, and take a couple roommates.

 

The guy will NEVER take you to court.

 

You are in charge of what happens to you. I'm personally losing patience with the whole victim attitude that you have adopted. At 30 you should be with a stable guy thinking about making babies or whatever you are looking to get out of life. My guess is that it's not a live in situation with a loser who doesn't pay his bills.

[TigerLilly78]

Very similar to my situation. Do you mind to share how did you get out of the situation? Were there a lot of treats/actions of his side after you left? How long did it take to subside if so?

Well after he had everything I own stolen a few days before Christmas the one year I reckon so he could fraud the insurance and then wrapping a electrical chord around my neck for complaining. I pretty much walked out on the empty shell of a house we had together litterialiy I took the clothes I had on my back (only ones I had left) and my pet and found my own new place.

 

He tried to tag along for a week or so but the new landlord "bless him" sensed what was going on and told him to take a hike rather forcefully (I was also sort of telling him this) but like you I was afraid of him to some degree still. he ended up taking off to live in a different part of the country thank god!

 

And that gave me the space I needed to clear my head so I could remove him (stop answering his calls) and so on oh he kept at me for a good long while especially when he found out I had a new man in my life.

 

But after a long while of ignoring his calls and nasty messages he stopped I figured he found a new victim..the fallout was upsetting for a while but then it passed and even then it wasn't as bad as the actual abuse cause I had my peace inbetween.

 

looking back I should have changed my number sooner and I would have spared myself that grief all together but live and learn I guess...trust me OP this man will drag you down if you allow it I have a feeling you have just seen the tip of this iceberg..

 

I left mine with out knowing a soul in the country I was in if you are honest and tell people whats going on you might just be surprised at how much support you can get..

[TigerLilly78]

Well, I am trying to, maybe I am too insecure though I am really afraid from his reaction, making in my head a lot of nasty scenarios.

 

ALL the utilities in the house are on my name, he can crank HUGE bills if I leave (he has done that when I left temporarily). I have ongoing immigration procedure to be scared about etc. Oh, and he knows my workplace so no way to do it all secretly.

 

Nevertheless: I found a place to stay, which I will be able to afford. So I am making steps, just not as determined as I should be (if he freaks out, all gets 100x worse been there).

 

But again, taking steps.

 

 

Also I just saw this post is he your immigration sponsor? there are legalities in place for abused immigrant women OP IE you might be able to still get your immigration if you are dependent on a abusive man with out his help do you have a immigration attorney? if not I highly recommend one most will work out a payment plan with you and they are there to help you and if you are honest with them they can..Far as everything else get the utilities out of your name the min you leave that house thats easy ring them and tell them you are no longer living there because of this crap and for them to disconnect it and send you the final bill..

[KatZee]

At 30, you really need to step up and take control of your own life.

 

Blast the utilities? Yeah, call the electric company and inform them of when you will be leaving. Call the gas company. Turn off the cable.

 

You need to stop making excuses and do the work, and act like an adult.

 

Not one thing you listed here is an actual reason why you CAN'T leave. You just refuse to take active steps.

 

Why? You think what he's saying is true? He has a job now? Maybe he'll start paying rent and after all this time suddenly transform into a great boyfriend?

 

I can tell you right now, you had issues with users in the past, and you have issues with one now. Users, manipulators, sociopaths, con artists... they specifically target and prey on people like you. Weak-willed. Insecure. Timid. Fearful of everything.

 

There is really no being shocked at how much he's gotten away with. He's not with you because he loves you. He's with you because you're an easy target and easily taken advantage of. That's the sad truth.

 

And until you actually make the moves to become a stronger person, the next person you wind up with, and the person after that are going to be broken con-artist manipulators. End the cycle. Now.

[No_Go]

Also I just saw this post is he your immigration sponsor? there are legalities in place for abused immigrant women OP IE you might be able to still get your immigration if you are dependent on a abusive man with out his help do you have a immigration attorney? if not I highly recommend one most will work out a payment plan with you and they are there to help you and if you are honest with them they can..Far as everything else get the utilities out of your name the min you leave that house thats easy ring them and tell them you are no longer living there because of this crap and for them to disconnect it and send you the final bill..

 

Oh TigerLily thank for sharing your story, I wish I could move to other part of the country but I have a work contract (good one) for another year.

 

He is NOT my immigration sponsor, nothing to do with him, besides he knows that I am scared by any action of his side that will involve court/police, since I am just in the point of background checks.

 

I just want him out of my life ASAP!

[No_Go]

Yeah all with the job is bull****ting me again, I have the gut feeling that he is out late looking for dates (asking me for 20 dollars each night, he has NO MORAL). He is also borrowing money now from his mother and ex-girlfriend who he still keeps hooked to my understanding.

 

I am done with this. I am looking for a place AND subletter, in the end even if I need to pay double rent it will be cheaper than staying around him, which also diminishes tremendously my performance at work.

 

I WILL write a story here once it is all over because such con artists are more common than one thinks and women NEED to be informed (indeed, the second one that I am involved with within 3 years, call me either unlucky, or insanely dumb).

 

 

At 30, you really need to step up and take control of your own life.

 

Blast the utilities? Yeah, call the electric company and inform them of when you will be leaving. Call the gas company. Turn off the cable.

 

You need to stop making excuses and do the work, and act like an adult.

 

Not one thing you listed here is an actual reason why you CAN'T leave. You just refuse to take active steps.

 

Why? You think what he's saying is true? He has a job now? Maybe he'll start paying rent and after all this time suddenly transform into a great boyfriend?

 

I can tell you right now, you had issues with users in the past, and you have issues with one now. Users, manipulators, sociopaths, con artists... they specifically target and prey on people like you. Weak-willed. Insecure. Timid. Fearful of everything.

 

There is really no being shocked at how much he's gotten away with. He's not with you because he loves you. He's with you because you're an easy target and easily taken advantage of. That's the sad truth.

 

And until you actually make the moves to become a stronger person, the next person you wind up with, and the person after that are going to be broken con-artist manipulators. End the cycle. Now.

[beach]

You see, the fact that he is still even asking you for $20 now indicates you haven't taken a firm stand with him.

 

He still thinks he can use you. Mainly because you haven't made it perfectly clear that you are pissed.

[No_Go]

Oh yes you're right. He had the cheek to ask for $300 for "allowance" since his first paycheck (could be Imaginary as all his lies so far), after I refused he started with the $20 in the evenings.

 

Also the apartment looks like s***. Alcohol bottles and cigarette butts everywhere (I REFUSE t clean his vices), boxes - he never fully unpacked his stuff (NOW i see why...). Any subletter will be repulsed unless I do it Sugarmama+slave - he has the "prefect girfriend" in my face.

 

I promise this is my last blowout here. Now is the action time.

 

 

You see, the fact that he is still even asking you for $20 now indicates you haven't taken a firm stand with him.

 

He still thinks he can use you. Mainly because you haven't made it perfectly clear that you are pissed.

[beach]

See he THINKS it is ok to even ask you for anything... Because you've been TOO NICE about it.

 

Tell him you're planning to sue him for the money he owes you - that ought to send him a clear message that you are damn angry!

 

If you don't sue him - you can kiss that money goodbye. Start getting mean with him! He has literally stolen from you and you aren't even being angry with him.

 

He owes you thousands of dollars - he should understand he needs to pay you back immediately!

 

 

I'd bet money he's spending time and energy trying to find his next victim as we speak.

 

Don't be nice to him.

[hestheone66]

Landlord will have you evicted but before that happens move out. Ive been where you are but for 12 years. I too was scared of turfing him out and consequences. I packed and planned my escape for 6 weeks. I secured other housing first then just took the important things after he was removed I got my things back. I never spoke to him for 6 months after and then only for practical reason. I hear hes*homeless*now and I have zero empathy. . But his ex (we both have sons to him) have become close friends and I know hes a serial user..pathological narcissist. Yes the fake tears used to sway me too.

Leave asap

[CC12]

OP, how are things going? Have you had any luck with the apartment?

[TiredConfusedHurtSad]

Landlord will have you evicted

 

She could ruin her own good name -- namely, her credit -- if the landlord evicts.

 

But his ex (we both have sons to him) have become close friends and I know hes a serial user..pathological narcissist.

 

It literally FRIGHTENS ME that women like you and his ex are bringing in the next generation of mentally unwell people (these things have a strong genetic component) to infect others.

 

I know that's not politically correct to say, and I'm sorry that there's no other way to make my point without it seeming personal, but I think we as a society need to inform women of their special role in "improving the race" (species)...unfortunately, what seems to have worked for the past several million years of human evolution appears to work just fine still today (lying, cheating, using people, me-first and me-only attitudes, etc.)....

[No_Go]

Moving along, but still not too good.

 

I talk to my "BF", he has no problems me leaving. The landlord however called me to ask can I stay (e.g. with a roommate) and my "BF" leaves instead (his credit is horrible...). The "BF" I'm sure won't accept that. Even worse, he threatens that if I spot his "good name" by "false" claims he will call the police on me, he told me I am trying to threaten him, abuse him, he recorded my "abuse", I'm a horrible person (landlord obviously is not buying that).

 

I really hope this will end soon, I will swallow the humongous debts from him, if I get out of this situation I will just never contact him again or leave him contact details of me...

 

On the bright side, I found a great place to stay, which I hope I can move when I get released from the lease..

 

 

OP, how are things going? Have you had any luck with the apartment?

[beach]

I'd risk it and move now.

 

Leave that scummy BF there and alert the landlord that he has possession if the place and is the one obligated to pay from here moving forward. And IF utilities are in your name - have them shut off - he can put them in his name.

 

Then it's his problem and the landlord need to fully understand that you have been conned by this guy and paying all the expenses when he had agreed to pay his half.

 

I don't see how the landlord would fault you. It may help the landlord to understand that the BF needs to be removed as soon as possible.

 

If he can't turn on the utilities in his name it may doped up the process of removing him.

[ktya]

We moved in together 4 months ago, he helped with 1/2 of the rent, food and utilities on month 1. And this was it.

 

Month 2,3,4 - no PENNY entered the house from his side. He told me "everybody can lost his job", but the truth is, he didn't have one when we met, moved in, and as I checked later - this is his situation from ~2 years (he was living rent-free in his ex-girlfriend's until she kicked him out...)

 

Now I don't know what to do. I have a lease with both of our names till August, he already owes me ~6-7000 for his living expenses. I realize that I will lose the latter even if I try to go to court with him I don't want to kick him on the street at hard time but:

-he lied to me several times that he'll start a job, all failed; doing the same now but how to believe him after all??

-he has nowhere to go... I feel guilty but shall I be his surrogate??

-it was my mistake to move in after just a month of dating - he insisted (now I know why)

-he is very manipulative and honestly I am afraid he'll put me in trouble if I ask him to leave

 

Please if someone can give me an advice how to exit this horror movie, I will highly appreciated. Is there a point to search for a good lawyer, or is a lost cause (in the end I helped him voluntarily these months...)

 

P.S. I am 30, so as he. I have a well-paid job, but my contract ends in just an year, so I can't really burn my savings without a risk to "save him"

 

Wow. Sounds like what i just went through although over a longer time period.

 

I booked a hotel gave her $40 and a bus ticket and sent her packing, and cut my losses. Couldnt really afford it but the chick cost me at minimum $20 a day so so far ive already saved back $60 of what i would have paid keeping her around hoping for money to arrive. And its the gift that keeps on giving evey day shes not here.

 

Its hard pushing these people out. You dont want to put them on the street but they wont help themselves. I have a male friend like that too. Stayed with me couldnt keep a job money is always just around the corner and in thr meantime you run deeper and deeper into the red.

 

Cut your losses and kick him out. The only thing that would let me keep him around if i were in your situation would be if he verifiably has money coming to pay you. It was when i realized that the promised funds didnt exist that i pulled the pin and ejected her.

[CC12]

Thanks for the update.

 

I talk to my "BF", he has no problems me leaving.

 

What does he plan to do when you leave, then? Did he ever agree to move out?

 

The landlord however called me to ask can I stay (e.g. with a roommate) and my "BF" leaves instead (his credit is horrible...).

 

This is only one of the options available to you, and of course it's the easiest for the landlord to deal with, which is why he or she suggested it. Call your landlord back, thank him for working with you, but tell him that you will definitely be moving out, and ask where to go from there. Offer to help find a new tenant. You may know this, but if you find a new, qualified tenant to take over the apartment, you will no longer owe rent once the new tenant starts paying. You'll still be breaking the lease, and you'll still possibly owe some fines.

 

Even worse, he threatens that if I spot his "good name" by "false" claims he will call the police on me, he told me I am trying to threaten him, abuse him, he recorded my "abuse", I'm a horrible person

 

He's trying to frighten and intimidate you. I'm not sure what he would even tell the police if there's been no physical violence or threats. Don't let him scare you.

 

I know this would suck, but you might want to consider offering to pay a reasonable amount (set a limit) for his security deposit and first month't rent if he can find a new place on his own. You would not be including your name on his lease, obviously, and you should be very careful that when he screws up at his new place, it won't come back to you at all. I know you would hate to pay for his living expenses any longer, but if you can get him to leave willingly, it could be your best option. I think you would still need to break the lease on your current place, because he should not know where you live.

[TigerLilly78]

Oh TigerLily thank for sharing your story, I wish I could move to other part of the country but I have a work contract (good one) for another year.

 

He is NOT my immigration sponsor, nothing to do with him, besides he knows that I am scared by any action of his side that will involve court/police, since I am just in the point of background checks.

 

I just want him out of my life ASAP!

 

 

Ok I get what your saying it sounds like you are under the skilled workers category when it comes to immigration thats awesome! and will make things so much easier for you I wasn't I was literally under my abusers thumb hence my question to you. From here I would file a report with the local police about all his threats and let others you trust know basically cover your own butt so if he decides to try and pull that crap he will be crying wolf to a unsympathetic crowed.

 

You could even mention you are having these issues to your boss maybe quietly? as I imagine they are your sponsors basically he has noting on you except the power you allow him to at this point..And your welcome im glad maybe my story gave you some insight or hope at least..

[No_Go]

Yep, following your advice to share with my boss... Not a pleasant thing to discuss but what else to do

 

He also has a "nice" history with previous relationships, almost each of them ended in court, just need to remove my a** from his proximity ASAP before he create damage...

 

Ok I get what your saying it sounds like you are under the skilled workers category when it comes to immigration thats awesome! and will make things so much easier for you I wasn't I was literally under my abusers thumb hence my question to you. From here I would file a report with the local police about all his threats and let others you trust know basically cover your own butt so if he decides to try and pull that crap he will be crying wolf to a unsympathetic crowed.

 

You could even mention you are having these issues to your boss maybe quietly? as I imagine they are your sponsors basically he has noting on you except the power you allow him to at this point..And your welcome im glad maybe my story gave you some insight or hope at least..

[No_Go]

He agrees/insists to stay one day, the treatens to disappear next day.

I feel like I am living in a madhouse.

 

I am trying to call the landlord, he stopped picking up after the last conversation. I really cant stay in the house since the "BF" actions are unpredictable... I will pay fines and release if they offer me that option. I am sickened to strand another person with my "BF" but have no choice.

 

I am honestly considering what you suggested, i.e. paying my "BF" money to move out, if the landlord let us both out. This will suck, but living with him cost me more

 

Thanks for the update.

 

 

 

What does he plan to do when you leave, then? Did he ever agree to move out?

 

 

 

This is only one of the options available to you, and of course it's the easiest for the landlord to deal with, which is why he or she suggested it. Call your landlord back, thank him for working with you, but tell him that you will definitely be moving out, and ask where to go from there. Offer to help find a new tenant. You may know this, but if you find a new, qualified tenant to take over the apartment, you will no longer owe rent once the new tenant starts paying. You'll still be breaking the lease, and you'll still possibly owe some fines.

 

 

 

He's trying to frighten and intimidate you. I'm not sure what he would even tell the police if there's been no physical violence or threats. Don't let him scare you.

 

I know this would suck, but you might want to consider offering to pay a reasonable amount (set a limit) for his security deposit and first month't rent if he can find a new place on his own. You would not be including your name on his lease, obviously, and you should be very careful that when he screws up at his new place, it won't come back to you at all. I know you would hate to pay for his living expenses any longer, but if you can get him to leave willingly, it could be your best option. I think you would still need to break the lease on your current place, because he should not know where you live.

[No_Go]

Too bad that this happened to you too. Did she try to beg you to come back to you or threaten you?

 

In my case he appears to be so broke that he didn't even buy toilet paper and soap when I left temporarily. I have the gut feeling that this is a pose to make me empathetic, since he is somehow coming home ultradrunk every other day (bars are not free...)

 

 

Wow. Sounds like what i just went through although over a longer time period.

 

I booked a hotel gave her $40 and a bus ticket and sent her packing, and cut my losses. Couldnt really afford it but the chick cost me at minimum $20 a day so so far ive already saved back $60 of what i would have paid keeping her around hoping for money to arrive. And its the gift that keeps on giving evey day shes not here.

 

Its hard pushing these people out. You dont want to put them on the street but they wont help themselves. I have a male friend like that too. Stayed with me couldnt keep a job money is always just around the corner and in thr meantime you run deeper and deeper into the red.

 

Cut your losses and kick him out. The only thing that would let me keep him around if i were in your situation would be if he verifiably has money coming to pay you. It was when i realized that the promised funds didnt exist that i pulled the pin and ejected her.

[No_Go]

Yep, need to act on the utilities quick (ALL on my name unfortunately), but before that I need to move out.

 

The "BF" is telling me he is leaving one day, staying another, crying, begging, threatening, and repeating the cycle. I'm afraid we'll both get evicted but it this point, it is probably a solution.

 

 

I'd risk it and move now.

 

Leave that scummy BF there and alert the landlord that he has possession if the place and is the one obligated to pay from here moving forward. And IF utilities are in your name - have them shut off - he can put them in his name.

 

Then it's his problem and the landlord need to fully understand that you have been conned by this guy and paying all the expenses when he had agreed to pay his half.

 

I don't see how the landlord would fault you. It may help the landlord to understand that the BF needs to be removed as soon as possible.

 

If he can't turn on the utilities in his name it may doped up the process of removing him.

[Elle1975]

Moving along, but still not too good.

 

I talk to my "BF", he has no problems me leaving. The landlord however called me to ask can I stay (e.g. with a roommate) and my "BF" leaves instead (his credit is horrible...). The "BF" I'm sure won't accept that. Even worse, he threatens that if I spot his "good name" by "false" claims he will call the police on me, he told me I am trying to threaten him, abuse him, he recorded my "abuse", I'm a horrible person (landlord obviously is not buying that).

 

I really hope this will end soon, I will swallow the humongous debts from him, if I get out of this situation I will just never contact him again or leave him contact details of me...

 

On the bright side, I found a great place to stay, which I hope I can move when I get released from the lease..

 

What is your immigration status based on? Because if you are a legal immigrant, you have nothing to fear. I am an immigrant myself, and I have called the police in the past (some guy who was following me as I was on my way home). They were awesome, and even did a follow up at my house.

 

If you break your lease, that might impact your own credit btw. You will be responsible for the rent till the landlord finds another tenant. While the landlord has to take reasonable steps, he does not have to rent to the first person answering his ad. He's allowed to find a suitable tenant.

 

As for the daily 20 bucks, what the heck really? Refuse to lend him any money, and if he starts getting angry, here is what you do: pick up phone, dial 911, tell police you feel threatened, get restraining order, mooch is out of the house, you get roommie, you win.

[No_Go]

Right now I am on J1 visa, applying for EB2 green card. He inclined that if we end up in court it may affect my green card application (likely manipulation).

 

I really hope my credit will not suffer, the "BF" found subletters himself, so if the landlord agrees on one of them, I will move out ASAP. I lined a place for myself already and this is better for me besides the financial losses in terms of furniture. The landlord became very unavailable recently... I hope it is not a bad sign... I just want to be out of the loop this week.

 

I refused the daily money and guess what - he shut up. I am sure he has other sources, not even sorry for him anymore, he is just trying to suck the last drops...

 

 

 

What is your immigration status based on? Because if you are a legal immigrant, you have nothing to fear. I am an immigrant myself, and I have called the police in the past (some guy who was following me as I was on my way home). They were awesome, and even did a follow up at my house.

 

If you break your lease, that might impact your own credit btw. You will be responsible for the rent till the landlord finds another tenant. While the landlord has to take reasonable steps, he does not have to rent to the first person answering his ad. He's allowed to find a suitable tenant.

 

As for the daily 20 bucks, what the heck really? Refuse to lend him any money, and if he starts getting angry, here is what you do: pick up phone, dial 911, tell police you feel threatened, get restraining order, mooch is out of the house, you get roommie, you win.