sober and dry

[sober and dry]

Thanks for the confirmation Dexter

 

Thanks imbax lol she doesn't want back in, I can see it in all of her behavior since day 0, besides I know better now, I don't want her back in any way, shape or form. After all of our story I think it's even theoretical impossible Anyway that would be the worst joke of the year for me!

 

Oh man I feel like the worst days about her are already gone really.

Rational thinking is coming back little by little and it feels good!

I think that she can't affect me anymore, at least not profoundly.

Definitely I will not chase her in anyway. I don't think I was doing that this time, was I?

 

Hmm yes I shouldn't have replied to her text but it was too hard, especially after finding more of her cloth in my closet... Shame on me. Now I have to get out of this mess I created... Any opinion? Just ignore if she tries to arrange the meeting?

Edited June 11, 2015 by sober and dry

[Kevin_D]

Anyway, it was a very, very striking relationship and also a big part of my life 8 years is a lot, 31% almost, but hell, it's just stupid isn't it?

 

Maybe I can cheer you up. I ran your relationship in my "Time is relative" program (a year was a big part of your life when you was a kid, not so much today). I began counting from the age of 3, since you probably don't have any memories from before that.

 

As you can see, the relationship was actually just about 19% of your life! 81% of sober and dry was created before she came into the picture!

 

http://oi59.tinypic.com/2zxnkth.jpg

[ravfour4]

After being on this forum for a while - essentially every woman who asks for space after a long term relationship has found someone else. It recently happened to a close friend of mine as well. It's code for - I care about you as a person, but I'm not in love with you anymore, but I want to keep you around because I care and I'm too weak to admit the truth and just in case it doesn't work out with new guy.

 

I knew when my ex left me that she had to have found someone else, there was no way she'd be acting strong without having someone to vent to constantly, she was too weak to be strong on her own and... I was right. Obviously it's much easier to leave a long term relationship if you don't have to feel any pain and have already found a suitable replacement, it's just far from respectable.

[Kevin_D]

Obviously it's much easier to leave a long term relationship if you don't have to feel any pain and have already found a suitable replacement, it's just far from respectable.

 

I still find it rather bizarre how some people seem to be capable och just switching to a new partner after 10 years. However, explanations such as "She checked out emotionally several months ago" seem to make perfect sense to other people.

 

I wonder... are these people capable of checking out emotionally when it comes to their children as well? "Oh, my daughter was just diagnosed with a type of cancer that can't be treated. Well, obviously she will die soon, so we might as well try to produce a healthier replacement".

[ravfour4]

What the hell is going on in this thread? Haha. It sounds like you keep in almost constant contact and you're both flirty with each other. Do you want her back? Does she want you back? Just have a conversation about it if communication is open and friendly.

 

Otherwise, if she just wants to be close friends and you want more, tell her that and pull away.

 

There's not much to read into in these conversations, it sounds like two people who like each other chatting with one of them (you) thinking too deeply into what the other one is saying.

[sober and dry]

Maybe I can cheer you up. I ran your relationship in my "Time is relative" program (a year was a big part of your life when you was a kid, not so much today). I began counting from the age of 3, since you probably don't have any memories from before that.

 

As you can see, the relationship was actually just about 19% of your life! 81% of sober and dry was created before she came into the picture!

 

http://oi59.tinypic.com/2zxnkth.jpg

LoL loved it, I like to use numbers in my live and interpret them! So an exponential eq which in this case gives much more emphasis to the first years

 

 

After being on this forum for a while - essentially every woman who asks for space after a long term relationship has found someone else. It recently happened to a close friend of mine as well. It's code for - I care about you as a person, but I'm not in love with you anymore, but I want to keep you around because I care and I'm too weak to admit the truth and just in case it doesn't work out with new guy.

 

I knew when my ex left me that she had to have found someone else, there was no way she'd be acting strong without having someone to vent to constantly, she was too weak to be strong on her own and... I was right. Obviously it's much easier to leave a long term relationship if you don't have to feel any pain and have already found a suitable replacement, it's just far from respectable.

In my opinion people ask for space and time, in any kind of relationship, after stumbling into a problem in the RS that, that person doesn't communicate/is willing to work on with the other partner or after the proper communication and some work on it, the issue doesn't improve. It's that simple. Of course that after giving up on a RS, it's very hard, in my opinion, for the RS to survive after this.

 

I still find it rather bizarre how some people seem to be capable och just switching to a new partner after 10 years. However, explanations such as "She checked out emotionally several months ago" seem to make perfect sense to other people.

 

I wonder... are these people capable of checking out emotionally when it comes to their children as well? "Oh, my daughter was just diagnosed with a type of cancer that can't be treated. Well, obviously she will die soon, so we might as well try to produce a healthier replacement".

In short, I think that a person who is able to emotional check out of a real RS and stay on it with the only purpose of finding someone else or to ease the blow or doesn't simply want to be alone, does have some serious issues... Just for starters it shows a huge lack of character.

 

What the hell is going on in this thread? Haha. It sounds like you keep in almost constant contact and you're both flirty with each other. Do you want her back? Does she want you back? Just have a conversation about it if communication is open and friendly.

 

Otherwise, if she just wants to be close friends and you want more, tell her that and pull away.

 

There's not much to read into in these conversations, it sounds like two people who like each other chatting with one of them (you) thinking too deeply into what the other one is saying.

Hmm the cycle as been something like, 1 month/1 month and 1/2 of full NC and an exchange of texts, then repeat. Just like a washing machine.

It has been futile...

I can't even entertain the idea of getting back with her because I have done that in the beginning and it was just preventing me to heal, possibly even making the healing process even more difficult and, must of all, I'm not willing to trow away all of the healing and well-being I have already re-gained. Besides I don't even need to ask her if she wants me back, I see clearly that she doesn't, or so I think.

 

You are right, for me there is nothing to read into in these conversations, it's just her being that horrible person she revealed to be and myself being just myself (that includes the over thinking ).

I can even go further and tell you what I get from our last chat: she wished me happy b-day because she "almost had to". I replied because it snapped me, plus finding more of her clothes at my home some days before, I had to retaliate.

She gave me the :"Sorry, no matter how much it costs, I was unable to not wish you congrats and the best of all, as much cliché it can be..."

But I don't believe that has cost her as much as it costs me in the end of the day. In fact I see it as a drama push. Besides I can't even believe it is true, well I can't believe a word she says or had said from some longgggg months even before the BU.

 

"It's not true... I have learned that we can't live well with everything, at all...". For me, she said this, again as drama pushing and with the purpose of showing some feelings that are probably not even true, again.

 

So yes, for me it was just cold, empty answers.

Yes, I made the choice to give her the same rhetorical sh*t I had already told her some times now after the BU, but in the middle of it I saw that I was just wasting my time and stooped at that. Funny thing I loved her answer to that, "Yes...", just like thank god you noticed that I don't give a damn about what you are saying or can say anymore.

 

As you can see, even after trying to read as much as I can to this conversation it turns out nothing of interest, so, really, no point at all...

Edited June 11, 2015 by sober and dry
long corrections

[sober and dry]

So, here I'm again... The meeting that was supposed to happen this last week was a flop, I mean I was left just waiting... I guess I reached as low as it can get...

So I waited all week for her to let me know when/where we would meet but it didn't happened... So on Saturday, the day we used to meet I had to text her asking wtf. Truth to be told, I tried as hard as I could to arrange something or anything with any of my friends as I was predicting that she would left me dry, but it was impossible, besides a chance to travel and accompany two of my friends as they had to work in another city all weekend on a gig, but I said no because I wanted to be with her...

 

The conversation with her was this:

Me: Hi, how are you? Are we still meeting today?

 

Her: Hi. Not at all and with you? I can't, I had to travel for work. Can you in the next week?

 

Me: Why, because of work? I had asked you to let me know if you couldn't meet me, I could have went away this weekend and had some fun... I don't know, let me know when you can if you want to.

 

Her: I'm sorry but we never agreed meeting this Saturday. The idea was to talk to you on Tuesday, meanwhile I got seek and had to go to the hospital, I had a terrible week. Furthermore, you asked me to let you know if we couldn't meet this week so we could arrange another way. You never told me that you could go out this weekend and I was not expecting to had to travel also. I will be back tomorrow morning, we can arrange when you want. I regret all this confusion.

 

Me: **** what happened? You are right, we had nothing agreed, I was just expecting. I could have gone away this weekend and had some fun, but whatever.

 

Can someone translate this? Why the tone? Why that last answer of her?

 

 

In some way this all situation just reminded my of the last years of our RS. I sitting almost every time waiting for her to get some time for me, but it's even sadder given the circumstances...

 

I'm getting way low again, I'm feeling really down again. I feel that I'm loosing all of the grip on my life, all over again, the little I had gained since the BU.

My body building is going away. My health is really suffering as I'm not eating and sleeping properly, and I'm smoking like hell for almost 8 months. My happiness is gone, my mood is ****ty, I'm loosing my will and my strength again. I know I have to get a grip, a real grip on my life but I truly don't know where to get the strength to do that. In truth, I'm feeling really close to go back to heavy drinking and forgetting all of my objectives.

 

Any idea on what should I do? Just tell her to forget about it and I will take care of the matter? Maybe just completely forget about the meeting, trow her cloth out and block her number?

Any idea on how to get my grip on my life again?

 

 

I'm really sorry for my lack of self-control, self-esteem, etc. I'm sorry for my lack of progress and everyone here who tried to help me. It seems that I'm helpless since the beginning. I'm sorry for my parents and everyone who gives a damn for me because I'm just wasting my life at this point, it's like I have no value what so ever.

Yet to truly admit once and for all what happened. I can't seem to give hope on this ****... It's like ripping myself completely apart and giving up on a life time dream, I really love what we had, even though I now see that at some point it was just an illusion.

Edited June 22, 2015 by sober and dry

[lauri]

Bro, you're so done.

 

She isn't interested. Every message you send from here on out lowers her respect for you. If you have some "plans" with her still, cancel them now and respectfully ask her to never contact you again. This is going to be hard for you but it's the only way.

 

Cut her off man. Please for your own good.

Edited June 22, 2015 by lauri

[sober and dry]

lauri you are right, but I guess you are putting it very lightly...

 

Na na na, no more... When I woke up today I had a new text:

"An urinary tract infection... Well, it was a communication failure... Ok, I have arrived, let me just organize my work and I will tell you something"

 

I don't ****ing care about it, I will just trash everything and that's it.

Obviously I didn't replied, in fact, for the first time I blocked her and everyone I know around her EVERYWHERE. It is not easy, but it's done, I just hope I have the strength to keep things this way.

[sober and dry]

Broke NC again. Another one to my "journal".

I have been trying to get someone to go with me to tomorrow's festival day, but this particular day sold out pretty fast, months before the day, so my only hope was to get the ticket back from her.

I offered it in her b-day during the break and after she started the cheating.

In our first meeting she wanted to give me the ticket back and I said "no, keep it, you should go, etc...".

Well this whole thing wasn't sitting well on me, specially this last days. Just the though of going to the festival alone, knowing that she will be there with her new BF and the ticket I paid for was getting under my skin.

 

So I unblocked her and this happened:

Me: Hi. Is everything good with you? Can you please give the ticket back, I want to go with someone. X

Her: Hi. Everything good and you? I wanted to give you the ticket back and you didn't wanted it, you didn't let me gave it back. Sorry, I can give you the money but I will not give you the ticket... X

Me: Everything. (my bank account number). X

Her: Everything? (x amount of money). I will transfer it now. X

Me: Yes, everything good xD. Ok. X

Her: Ok. It's done. X

 

Surprise surprise, a day later a friend of mine got an VIP ticket and is going with me

 

So it wasn't pretty at all, but at least I feel better about it plus it felt "good" to treat her like she deserves plus it feels like I gained some self-respect by doing it. Sure I still can find her at the festival but at least I'm not paying for it! If I see her I just need to ignore her and control myself to not smash the other dude...

Tomorrow is the D-day, I'm going to see a band I never saw and wanted to a lot of times before.

Edited July 8, 2015 by sober and dry

[sober and dry]

Yeahhh it was damn good festival day!!! Never saw her or at least didn't bump into her

Sure there were moments that I felt a little sad, but overall what a good day it was!!! Back to block and NC

[sober and dry]

Hi everybody. I just wanted to come by and drop what happened since my last update and some "random thoughts".

 

The nice things first.

Got my driver's license a little more then a month ago, bought my first car with the money I was saving for my life with her and I have been spending it "blindly".

Decided to spend the last month driving around with friends and having a lot of joy with it. As a consequence I didn't drink almost anything at all.

I was tired of searching for a nice job and getting none so I decided to go study again.

I need challenges in my life, constantly, so I "pointed high". I decided to get the master's degree in Pharmaceutical Engineering, it started today!

Interesting enough not only because it's an difficult degree, it has something like 3 or 4 times more womans than men and some are very beautiful. Sadly I think I will have no time for them because I will need to study a lot

 

Now the "random thoughts".

Unfortunately I still think of her from time to time. Thankfully, not as obsessively or anything like that. I think that I mostly miss the companionship and love from someone. Someone to share my life. Even though I can't seem to admit it to myself.

Some of the times I think about her I get ashamed for what she did to me and what I did in our last months. Sorrowfully, from time to time, when something triggers some memories of her, I cry a bit because of it, but it's very rare.

Sometimes I feel the need to know of her but instantly I automatically remind myself of the pain and everything else and that thought just goes away easily.

Other times I have some raging train of thoughts but I also try my best to stop it and it works.

In fact, what costs me more is the rare time I dream weird things with her because I can't stop it or control it in any way.

 

One thing I can't "overcome", is that, since the whole thing happened, I felt that my heart (yes my physical heart xD) was not good, something like tachycardia. I secretly spend many months after it, very worried about my overall health until I decided to get a checkup more then a month ago. I got the confirmation that I was suffering from tachycardia in my last checkup, but my medic didn't seem to got hurried about it and I decided not to as well.

 

But, well, overall, I feel happy with me because now I live my life for my, in my terms, in the way I want. I'm not loosing time with someone who doesn't love me and I'm not dedicated to her at all. I thank the fact that I don't know a thing about her anymore nor I want to!

Actually, in a poetic line, I fell like I can dye now with not a sad face, but knowing that I spend my last time living my life the best I can.

 

 

 

Note: after reading what I have wrote now it seems that I'm still oscillating between sadness and rage... Why not indifference?!... Fortunately it's not most of the time and I think it's good enough for now.

[sober and dry]

Ups I did it again... Back in laundry cycle.

 

I was having some hard days since her birthday was coming, after a lot of struggle I decided to unblock her number and sent her a text.

"Happy birthday. I hope you are having a very nice day with with whom you love more. Kiss"

After that I was feeling not bad at all, it was a kind of revenge since she managed to "destroy" my B day also.

She didn't responded, only two days after saying "Hi. It was a nice day, in [another country]. Kisses"

 

Needless to say that I instantly felt pissed. What pissed me off was the hate exchange between the two of us, that in fact I started and was perfectly avoidable...

So I just deleted her numbers for good and decided to get in my car with a friend of mine and everything else of us and went to the beach house were we spent a lot of our holidays. A place were he lived a bunch of months very happy and ironically were things started to fall apart also.

I tried to say goodbye to that place and all the paraphernalia, then I

throw it all away and went to a bar having a nice bucket of beer.

 

Now it's back to my life again. In fact it as slowly becoming easier and easier since day one so I hope it is one more step in the right direction.

[BC1980]

You can't really capture the dynamic you once shared with an ex. It just doesn't work unless you have NO feelings whatsoever for the person. You may never get to that point, and that's okay. The endgame isn't to prove you can be friends with her. Look on the bright side. You saw first hand why people preach NC. Wishing her happy birthday only reminded you that you aren't important to her anymore. That's painful, and there's no need to relive that. Put your energy into people who can reciprocate.

[sober and dry]

You can't really capture the dynamic you once shared with an ex. It just doesn't work unless you have NO feelings whatsoever for the person. You may never get to that point, and that's okay. The endgame isn't to prove you can be friends with her. Look on the bright side. You saw first hand why people preach NC. Wishing her happy birthday only reminded you that you aren't important to her anymore. That's painful, and there's no need to relive that. Put your energy into people who can reciprocate.

True words, thanks. Going on a rough patch again, but hell... as they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[sober and dry]

Ahah, this is the last update on this topic!

 

On my BD she, again, sent me the typical text. As I no longer want any type of interaction with her, I instantly replied saying something like, I don't know you anymore and I don't wish to travel into the past because of you every 6 months or so.

Hope that's clear enough for her!

 

Some weeks later I started going out with a work college and now we are dating

[lauri]

Ahah, this is the last update on this topic!

 

On my BD she, again, sent me the typical text. As I no longer want any type of interaction with her, I instantly replied saying something like, I don't know you anymore and I don't wish to travel into the past because of you every 6 months or so.

Hope that's clear enough for her!

 

Some weeks later I started going out with a work college and now we are dating

 

Glad to hear you're dating someone else now man. Just block your exs number out of respect to your new girlfriend and live it up! All the best.