Are fantasies of violence towards OW/OM normal

[jm2013]

@JM2013 Yes, I spoke to him the other day- told him I am feeling like crap again about what happened. But I'll be honest, there are times I will hide my feelings. Though I told him how I am getting IC due to what he did. When I told him that he felt really bad. I haven't told him about my violent fantasies regarding OW; I don't want him feel that he wasn't 100% to blame for what he did to me, because he is. I feel if I told him about that he might feel less of a target in what happened. We wouldn't want that now would we. JM2013- I really hope that feeling wears off for you. I know the feeling.

 

I haven't spoken about "it" for months. Funny, I feel weird and anxious when I bring it up; like I am afraid of the magnitude of emotions that come with talking about it. When I took him back after a year or so after DDay- I vowed to myself I won't bring it up again. We just vowed to open our communication more, be honest with our wants and needs... and move on asap. But this year it's been just trigger central- due to relocating to were it happened. The thing is- my stories a little different with me when it came to DDay. My reaction to it wasn't text book. You know- I didn't ask that many questions after DDay. I just gathered the facts I could in 2 days and up and left- numb. Swept it under the rug for a year- using a combo of booze, overworking and socializing. Forgave him a year or so later- got back together. Didn't really discuss it. I was of the thought of- if I am to take him back, it's only fair (LOL) I never bring it up again. So I didn't.

 

Obviously rug sweeping doesn't work. I've only just began to talk about it again this year- for the first time since I found out the start of 2011.... but he has been really open and patient with me about it. I think I discussed it with him about 5 times this year. I wish I hadn't rug swept and suppressed for so long.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Anyways- I'm hi-jacking my own thread. Hell yes the OW/OM also plays a part in affairs- especially if they are a close friend or relative. (No blame placed if OM/OW didn't know of course). I mean, otherwise OM/OW should know they are hurting someone they don't know. Just because you don't know someone, doesn't mean you don't owe them any respect. I mean, if you injured someone- even if you don't know them, you'd be charged with assault. You wouldn't be let off free just because you didn't know them. You just don't hurt people for no reason, whether you know them or not.

 

It's about humanity and generally being a good person. I don't believe you can claim to be a good person if you consistently make decisions that benefit yourself at the expense of other people. And to further say that you don't have blame because you don't have an explicit contract with the BS is just a further jerk move.

 

No excuse for being an arsehole, even if someone else is being a bigger arsehole.

 

I hear you. I think you really need to dig deep inside and figure out if reconciliation is for you. I have been digging deep asking myself those same questions and am not sure if I can even do it. I don't think I can ever invest 100% back into my wife after what she has done. I figured since we are tied together with a kid and house together with years of history I would give it a go and see if there was hope in our future. But as days tick by I have a different sense of things.

 

I hope you're able to pull few. I suppose people are right when they say only a small % survive infidelity. I am sure many BS'S do also reconcile but reconcile unhappily. Maybe they do have a happiness in the relationship (One that I personally exhibit with my wife) but I have a deeper thirst for a relationship/marriage/partner who has it in them to never do these types of things. It's a complete turn off to me when I revisit. Your story strikes an even bigger chord with me because you are years out. It is nerve wracking to think that the emotional damage that lingers after infidelity is there to stay for a LONG time. Last night I got in a mild argument with my wife and I found myself taking jabs at her. I know it is probably not right to do but I find myself so emotionally pissed off and charged at times I just blurt things out I shouldn't. She ran off and cried and I did apologize.

 

How often do you think about it? Every day? Once a week? Do you guys have kids, house and stuff together? I do have to say that is pretty impressive to have walked out and been gone for a year then go back. I know you said it felt complicated to date with all the emotional baggage that was lingering.

[drifter777]

I hear you. I think you really need to dig deep inside and figure out if reconciliation is for you. I have been digging deep asking myself those same questions and am not sure if I can even do it. I don't think I can ever invest 100% back into my wife after what she has done. I figured since we are tied together with a kid and house together with years of history I would give it a go and see if there was hope in our future. But as days tick by I have a different sense of things.

 

I hope you're able to pull few. I suppose people are right when they say only a small % survive infidelity. I am sure many BS'S do also reconcile but reconcile unhappily. Maybe they do have a happiness in the relationship (One that I personally exhibit with my wife) but I have a deeper thirst for a relationship/marriage/partner who has it in them to never do these types of things. It's a complete turn off to me when I revisit. Your story strikes an even bigger chord with me because you are years out. It is nerve wracking to think that the emotional damage that lingers after infidelity is there to stay for a LONG time. Last night I got in a mild argument with my wife and I found myself taking jabs at her. I know it is probably not right to do but I find myself so emotionally pissed off and charged at times I just blurt things out I shouldn't. She ran off and cried and I did apologize.

 

How often do you think about it? Every day? Once a week? Do you guys have kids, house and stuff together? I do have to say that is pretty impressive to have walked out and been gone for a year then go back. I know you said it felt complicated to date with all the emotional baggage that was lingering.

You mean you didn't think your jab's were appropriate? Have you ever considered that the triggers that push you toward taking jab's are HER fault? That if she says you are punishing her by bringing it up that she is not even thinking for 1 second that you are being punished by the images of her with OM every day? The fact that you apologized might be more evidence that you are codependent and avoiding conflict in an attempt to give you the peaceful family life you want so desperately. And your concern that the triggers and images will go on for years is valid because they will. Every post by a BH who reconciled I have ever read on LS is open about the fact that it never goes away. They never forget. Its just that some guys are willing to overlook the betrayal and/or find a way to blame something or someone other than there WW and find some level of peace. So, I urge you to make up a reason to blame yourself for her cheating and start working on yourself to believe it. It's going to be easier to do that then to accept that her betrayal is killing you and it's not going to magically go away.

[jm2013]

You mean you didn't think your jab's were appropriate? Have you ever considered that the triggers that push you toward taking jab's are HER fault? That if she says you are punishing her by bringing it up that she is not even thinking for 1 second that you are being punished by the images of her with OM every day? The fact that you apologized might be more evidence that you are codependent and avoiding conflict in an attempt to give you the peaceful family life you want so desperately. And your concern that the triggers and images will go on for years is valid because they will. Every post by a BH who reconciled I have ever read on LS is open about the fact that it never goes away. They never forget. Its just that some guys are willing to overlook the betrayal and/or find a way to blame something or someone other than there WW and find some level of peace. So, I urge you to make up a reason to blame yourself for her cheating and start working on yourself to believe it. It's going to be easier to do that then to accept that her betrayal is killing you and it's not going to magically go away.

 

She does know it is her fault. I just felt bad for kicking her when she was down. I could have done it in a better way so to speak. Believe me, I see your points. I have dug around here as well. Never in a million years would I have thought over a year ago I'd be digging around on an infidelity forum trying to collect my pieces and get answers to many questions that surround the topic. I come here and find trends. It is a data warehouse. When you analyze all of the data on here you slowly start understanding how volatile any reconciliation process is and how difficult it really is. There are many many people I'm sure who reconciled for all of the wrong reasons. Who basically just put themselves into a cohabitation relationship. I have been letting time pass me by to see if my state of emotions change in due time or if they will be there for the duration of the marriage. I miss being able to invest 100% trust into a woman I love. Knowing she has not "yet" betrayed me and there may be a real possibility this person is authentic, loving, trusting and all around a great person to be with. I am sure this is like that to a bunch of BS's. It will never feel the same.

[DbleBetrayal]

.

How often do you think about it? Every day? Once a week? Do you guys have kids, house and stuff together? I do have to say that is pretty impressive to have walked out and been gone for a year then go back. I know you said it felt complicated to date with all the emotional baggage that was lingering.

 

To be honest, this year starting March... not a day has gone passed where I haven't thought about it, at least a little or a lot. This year in general has been intense. Some days are better than others. Some days I wake up with the thought just waiting for me to process over again. It's friggen exhausting. We have one small child and a house together.

 

Yeah, when I went back early 2012, because I do love him and I thought it was just one off, a mistake, I down played it- even blamed it on myself (ugh). I never even thought about it throughtout 2012-2013, didn't bother me- we'd become more open with each other. Our new relationship is not like our old one; we used to bottle up our feelings and try to one up each other back than, we were naturally more guarded. Now when there is any issue what so ever, we talk about it, even if it makes us feel stupid or weak. (Only thing I have a hard time delving into, is the cheating; it kills me to talk about it sometimes; but if I don't after a while it kills me more) It's strange I know. But this year, the magnitude of what he did, and what he is in fact capable of has really hit home.

 

I dunno. It's exhausting, because at the end of the day- they did what they did- and no matter what they say or do, you know that they had it in them to do that. And you want to believe that 2/5/10/20 years in the future after the dust has settled- that if they were confronted with same opportunity... would they go there again? You really want to believe they won't, but can you.

Edited November 25, 2014 by DbleBetrayal