Are fantasies of violence towards OW/OM normal

[jm2013]

You are totally leaving out that 'instant connection' appears to be an essential ingredient for affairs.

 

I'm sure this may differ for women though I'm not sure. For me, the instant connection starts with a physical attraction. Though I look at this other guy and feel weird that my wife would drop down a level. I guess it is not surprising though considering her history. There is a girl here who is good looking and we've connected a lot but understand the boundaries. She is extremely flirtatious but I have never over the years tried to steer her in my direction to sneak her out of her marriage. That thought really never came to mind.

[sweet_pea]

I am not saying the OM/OW has NO responsibility for the mess.

BUT no-one forces any WS into an affair and thus I feel they are 100% to blame for their actions IMO.

Not 50%, not 75% - 100%.

 

Yes, WS is 100% responsible for their role in the affair and so is AP. I don't understand this thought process that just because you aren't married to the BS, you aren't responsible for your part in the affair and thus shouldn't take any blame. As BetrayedHusband said, you can be mad at BOTH people because BOTH people had the affair and hurt you.

 

As to you OP, yes it's normal to have thoughts and feelings of wanting to hurt people who hurt you...whether that is your WS or the AP. I would advise you to not act on those feelings... Find an outlet to release them if you can. Hugs.

[purplesorrow]

Yes, but some on here seem to almost have the idea that the WS was somehow

the "innocent" party and if it wasn't for the evil philanderer or the wicked witch, then their lovely wife/husband would NEVER have strayed, and that to me is utter nonsense.

 

I totally agree with you that is nonsense. I can't say that I see that a lot though.

[jm2013]

I'm definitely not going to counselling to talk about this topic. No point, I'm well aware that it's not right. It's not important enough to discuss compared to other things.

 

 

Are your feelings now affecting your relationship with your husband? Does he know how you're feeling currently or are you hiding them from him? I've been doing counseling as well and it seems like every session when we revisit the affair part I get extremely upset again. I'm not even sure if that wears off.

[purplesorrow]

I'm sure this may differ for women though I'm not sure. For me, the instant connection starts with a physical attraction. Though I look at this other guy and feel weird that my wife would drop down a level. I guess it is not surprising though considering her history. There is a girl here who is good looking and we've connected a lot but understand the boundaries. She is extremely flirtatious but I have never over the years tried to steer her in my direction to sneak her out of her marriage. That thought really never came to mind.

 

I have no first hand experience, I'm one of those old faithful gals! The instant connection were the words used by my WS' ow. But I do read that term a lot on these boards.

[jm2013]

I totally agree with you that is nonsense. I can't say that I see that a lot though.

 

Of course it is nonsense. The spouse had consensually did these things. All I'm saying is the 3rd party supplied an environment to help lead them there. It's like an angel and devil sitting on your shoulders trying to point you in two different directions.

[aliveagain]

I actually went looking for O/M. I knew the area he lived in but not the house so like an idiot I drove up and down his street at 11:00 at night yelling out his full name and challenging him to come out and face me. All his neighbours learned about his deeds because I was rather vocal. The police finally came, my guess is he called them, I must of driven past his house a couple of times. They were actually quite sympathetic with me and rather than taking me in they told me to go home. They didn't even confiscate the baseball bat or the 4 feet of steel towing chain I had on my front seat of my car. I must have looked kind of comical, me in my Mercedes, top down calling him out, bet I scared the sh*t out of him. That was the stupidest thing I have ever done next to wasting 4 years of my life with a liar and a cheat.

 

I confess that for several years I still had silly fantasies about hooking up a truck battery to his toilet with a couple of copper leads into the bowl, soon as his stream connects with the water in the bowl, lift off. Some days he would be holding a farm cat. other days a lightning rod. Kept me busy for a while. In the end he wasn't the problem, my ex was.

 

The Karma bus hit her hard. She lost me, she lost O/M and I am now everything she has ever wanted, she is very motivated by money and success. She has heard about my success and has tried to contact me through friends and family but that will never happen. To this day I remain unpublished and none of my family or close friends are allowed to give her my contact information. Fantasies are great if they prevent you from doing something really stupid.

[the_artist_1970]

I know the source of fault should always lay with the WH/WW as it is they who owe the BS loyalty. (Though in my case the OW also owed me loyalty- as she was meant to be my best friend).

 

Neitherless, does anyone have an overwhelming desire to commit violent acts or vandalise OW/OM property? I do, and it's really undesirable. I think about putting on a ski mask and knocking at her door with a cricket bat and wacking her in the face when she opens the door. Not enough to knock her out or die (i'm not psycho), but enough to at least require her to get a nose job or a few crowns. My other one was to simply spray pain obscenities all over her car.

 

I've even had dreams that were quite violent with her in them, but when ever I go for the big punch to her noggin- I wake up punching the wall next to the bed. It's quite frustrating and unsettling. I don't like having these thoughts or dreams. It's not good for my stress levels, however- to think she played a part in putting me through so much mental hell and just gets away with it like it was nothing.. well it really pisses me off.

 

Anyone else preoccupied with thoughts like this? Has anyone actually acted on it? How did you feel after. Don't worry, I'm going to get counselling on the 4th December, so my shrink will talk it out with me.

 

Yep, absolutely. If I would have had the opportunity, I probably would have beat her really bad. My DH was there apologizing profusely and suffering my wrath which wasn't pretty, but she walked away unscathed and crawled back under whatever rock women who mess around with MM slither under. I hated her so bad. I had dreams of revenge for a while and thought of all the ugly things I wanted to do to her. I felt like she got away free after knowingly sleeping with a MM. I know my DH was 100% responsible for our M but to me as human beings we owe it to other human beings not to sleep with MM/MW if we know they are M. I know everyone doesn't believe in do unto others but it is one of the strongest mottos I have. I have never caused bodily harm to anyone but if I had had the opportunity to see her after D-Day I probably would have a record. Thank God I didn't. whew!

 

I did sign her up for some websites that were designed for women like her and I feel good knowing that she was bombarded with email solicitations for "wayward women" (LOL).

 

Now I could care less about her. I just think of her now as a disgusting woman who doesn't care about others. You will get over her in time but know that that intense rage is normal. It takes time. One day you will wake up and not even think about the ho-bag.

[the_artist_1970]

The OM/OW may be predatory, but is it not the way of the world, that all's fair in love and war.

It appears to me that some OM/OW are completely free agents and thus can do what they like, there are no ties that bind them, nor rules they HAVE to obey, the WS on the other hand...

 

It seems to me that many BSs are happy to shift the blame away from their own front door, when IMV the real guilty party is sleeping right beside them.

 

What??? Really??? Unbelievable. Free agents to sleep with married people. My goodness, what a tainted view of the world and how to treat ppl.

[elaine567]

What??? Really??? Unbelievable. Free agents to sleep with married people. My goodness, what a tainted view of the world and how to treat ppl.

 

I didn't say I agree, but it is the reality. A person with few ties, can choose to sleep with whoever they like, they do not have to worry about hurting their BS, they can act as selfish as they like.

They are not responsible for someone else's marriage or someone else's kids? In a perfect world they would never go near married people, but they do and they always will.

[jm2013]

I didn't say I agree, but it is the reality. A person with few ties, can choose to sleep with whoever they like, they do not have to worry about hurting their BS, they can act as selfish as they like.

They are not responsible for someone else's marriage or someone else's kids? In a perfect world they would never go near married people, but they do and they always will.

 

Of course they can do whatever they want with their free will. Just for confirmation you feel the WS is 100% to blame? Which I should have rephrased that. Yes, the WS is 100% to blame. I would put 150% blame in total. I would delegate 100% to my WW and 50% to the scum bag she was screwing.

[BurnedAndLost]

I had a lot of violent thoughts against the OW and m S/O as well...

I knocked my S/O around a few times when he came home with a hickey.

 

Before DD the OW did a lot of provoking, mainly over facebook. Throwing subtle shade on my facebook, commenting on MY photos the may S/O had been tagged in. Trying to get noticed... I noticed at the time but I didn't care... When I found out that she was the O/W, I was enraged...

 

I put it down to her age and immaturity. She was only around 19 years old.

[BurnedAndLost]

I am not saying the OM/OW has NO responsibility for the mess.

BUT no-one forces any WS into an affair and thus I feel they are 100% to blame for their actions IMO.

Not 50%, not 75% - 100%.

 

I don't know why so many people on here feel like BS's put 100 percent of the blame on the AP. You would think that it's a common occurrence here with how loudly some people scream about in these threads... But I have been here for a year and a half and I have seen maybe 2 or 3 people MAX do this.

[Furious]

I know the source of fault should always lay with the WH/WW as it is they who owe the BS loyalty. (Though in my case the OW also owed me loyalty- as she was meant to be my best friend).

 

Neitherless, does anyone have an overwhelming desire to commit violent acts or vandalise OW/OM property? I do, and it's really undesirable. I think about putting on a ski mask and knocking at her door with a cricket bat and wacking her in the face when she opens the door. Not enough to knock her out or die (i'm not psycho), but enough to at least require her to get a nose job or a few crowns. My other one was to simply spray pain obscenities all over her car.

 

I've even had dreams that were quite violent with her in them, but when ever I go for the big punch to her noggin- I wake up punching the wall next to the bed. It's quite frustrating and unsettling. I don't like having these thoughts or dreams. It's not good for my stress levels, however- to think she played a part in putting me through so much mental hell and just gets away with it like it was nothing.. well it really pisses me off.

 

Anyone else preoccupied with thoughts like this? Has anyone actually acted on it? How did you feel after. Don't worry, I'm going to get counselling on the 4th December, so my shrink will talk it out with me.

 

 

It's hard to wrap your mind around how some people are ok with deceit as long as it gets them what they want. Many people who actively participate in deceit have a different view of it if it's done to them. Cheat with me.... but not on me kind of justification.

 

Often, many OW/OM who've been thrown under the bus suddenly feel that the betrayed spouse should be told of the affair and resent that the WS continues without consequence in the marriage they've betrayed. It's a dysfunctional dynamic in regard to ethics. Some people cannot put themselves in someone else's shoes. It's an alien concept to think beyond their own needs and that they can deflect their own choices onto the WS. It show's their lack of empathy. God forbid there is an other other woman and then heads would roll, and they'd be singing a different tune.

 

In my situation, when I had contacted the other betrayed spouse I received a hateful phone call by the OW that I had no right to interfere on her life.

 

Those with character disturbance just don't make sense, and often deflect their own poor choices by handing over their own actions into some kind of blame vacuum that has nothing to do with their own culpability.

 

Forget about revenge. Sure it's a release to imagine revenge...but the great majority do not follow through with it, as it really serves no purpose in moving on and healing.

 

I don't believe in Karma....but I do believe those who continue to make poor choices and not learn from it are their own worst enemy.

 

The only person you are responsible for is yourself and instead of using your energy toward a void person is energy wasted on your own behalf.

[waterwoman]

Both APs are 100% guilty for their own actions. I don't think for a sinlge moment that H was any sort of innocent party, or that OW was some sort of irresistible femme fatale (far from it). Difference after dday that a remorseful WS makes effort to fix the damage they have done - the OP seems to skip off into the sunset scott-free so while the BS's feelings towards to WS changes as reconciliation develops, the feelings towards the OP remains the same. The best I have really managed towards OW is indifference... and that took time and effort.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am not saying the OM/OW has NO responsibility for the mess.

BUT no-one forces any WS into an affair and thus I feel they are 100% to blame for their actions IMO.

Not 50%, not 75% - 100%.

 

 

Here is something I learned in kindergarten.

 

I am 100% responsible for my actions/words.

 

So are others.

 

Each person in the affair is 100% responsible in regard to the hurt they cause the BS/s and or children.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I didn't say I agree, but it is the reality. A person with few ties, can choose to sleep with whoever they like, they do not have to worry about hurting their BS, they can act as selfish as they like.

They are not responsible for someone else's marriage or someone else's kids? In a perfect world they would never go near married people, but they do and they always will.

 

You are absolutely correct...there are people like that.

 

It doesn't change how the outside world generally views their character/lack of.

 

It is absolutely absurdity that an AP would think a BS would view them anything other than an "enemy" of sorts. The dynamic was chosen by the AP. That is who they decided to be to the BS.

 

That is also a reality.

 

You chose the action, you chose the consequence.

[HereNorThere]

It's completely natural to feel your inner chimpanzee come out from time to time. After all, we may have the ability for forethought and higher thinking, but at the end of the day, our natural, animal like driven instincts play a pretty significant role if our lives.

 

And of course the OM/OW is somewhat to blame. They knew full and well they were messing someone's family, somone's children, but were desperate enough for sex that they decided it was worth it.

 

For me personally, besides my own more compass, I know that my own personal strength means nothing when it comes to messing with another mans life. Regardless of whether I'm physically stronger, he's a primate with tools and I just stole his life. I would never put anything past a BS when it comes to what they would do for revenge. And quite frankly, legal or not, you get what you deserve when you do that.

Edited November 24, 2014 by HereNorThere

[BetrayedH]

I totally agree with you that is nonsense. I can't say that I see that a lot though.

 

Nor do we see it from the original poster of this thread.

[flowergirl14]

My wh actually asked." If we run into her do you want me to introduce her to you?" Wtf like im going to shake her hand and smile.

She had sent him nude pics of her disgusting self and I actually thought about either printing them out and distributing them around her work or somehow posting them on the internet. I probably would have done something had I known about the affair at the time.

[howcouldInotknow]

All marriages have their ups and downs. If I walked around this office and preyed on all the married women here I could almost guarantee being successful with a lot of them. All it takes is my awesome smile, an ear for them to moan about the things missing from their marriages and my sensitive words and actions that will convey a message to them that if they hopped on my side of the tracks I'll satisfy them both emotionally and physically. Anyways, if you did or do have kids how would you feel if they were loosened up or pressured by a drug dealer into trying their product which would lead them into addiction? It's their own free will right?

 

ALL relationships have ups and downs. If a few nice words from a man can make a woman cheat it is my opinion that that person was already detached from that relationship. Still not the fault of the person who is clearly trying to get some.

As for peer pressure with children I can only speak on my experience. I was a teen once. All of my friends were smoking, drinking, drugs and having sex. No matter what was said I never tried it. Same in college many of my friends did cocaine and ecstasy. I was told it will keep you skinny, it will do this all of the promises of greatness didn't matter to me because I knew who I was and the boundaries and expectations set by myself and parents. And if at any point I decided to try drugs, cigarettes etc it's no fault of my friends my own because temptation can ALWAYS be refused just as I can ALWAYS say yes. Choices as adults we all have to be responsible for our own actions.

I will say this, I am in a relationship. I am young and very attractive. The temptation is always there men hit on me all of the time. Men at work approach me all of the time. My SO and I hit a rough patch this summer. As humans the opportunity will always be there. But we can choose to take it or turn it down. If a man's wife decides to take that opportunity the only one to blame is his wife.

[DbleBetrayal]

Are your feelings now affecting your relationship with your husband? Does he know how you're feeling currently or are you hiding them from him? I've been doing counseling as well and it seems like every session when we revisit the affair part I get extremely upset again. I'm not even sure if that wears off.

 

@JM2013 Yes, I spoke to him the other day- told him I am feeling like crap again about what happened. But I'll be honest, there are times I will hide my feelings. Though I told him how I am getting IC due to what he did. When I told him that he felt really bad. I haven't told him about my violent fantasies regarding OW; I don't want him feel that he wasn't 100% to blame for what he did to me, because he is. I feel if I told him about that he might feel less of a target in what happened. We wouldn't want that now would we. JM2013- I really hope that feeling wears off for you. I know the feeling.

 

I haven't spoken about "it" for months. Funny, I feel weird and anxious when I bring it up; like I am afraid of the magnitude of emotions that come with talking about it. When I took him back after a year or so after DDay- I vowed to myself I won't bring it up again. We just vowed to open our communication more, be honest with our wants and needs... and move on asap. But this year it's been just trigger central- due to relocating to were it happened. The thing is- my stories a little different with me when it came to DDay. My reaction to it wasn't text book. You know- I didn't ask that many questions after DDay. I just gathered the facts I could in 2 days and up and left- numb. Swept it under the rug for a year- using a combo of booze, overworking and socializing. Forgave him a year or so later- got back together. Didn't really discuss it. I was of the thought of- if I am to take him back, it's only fair (LOL) I never bring it up again. So I didn't.

 

Obviously rug sweeping doesn't work. I've only just began to talk about it again this year- for the first time since I found out the start of 2011.... but he has been really open and patient with me about it. I think I discussed it with him about 5 times this year. I wish I hadn't rug swept and suppressed for so long.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Anyways- I'm hi-jacking my own thread. Hell yes the OW/OM also plays a part in affairs- especially if they are a close friend or relative. (No blame placed if OM/OW didn't know of course). I mean, otherwise OM/OW should know they are hurting someone they don't know. Just because you don't know someone, doesn't mean you don't owe them any respect. I mean, if you injured someone- even if you don't know them, you'd be charged with assault. You wouldn't be let off free just because you didn't know them. You just don't hurt people for no reason, whether you know them or not.

 

It's about humanity and generally being a good person. I don't believe you can claim to be a good person if you consistently make decisions that benefit yourself at the expense of other people. And to further say that you don't have blame because you don't have an explicit contract with the BS is just a further jerk move.

 

No excuse for being an arsehole, even if someone else is being a bigger arsehole.

Edited November 25, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[drifter777]

I wish I would have killed them both.

[Raena]

I think it's perfectly normal to feel rage and anger towards both people who hurt you in this situation.

 

Reading the rest of your posts OP it seems to me that you never really dealt with the situation as it was happening. That rug sweeping you mention is something I can so relate to. It happened in my situation too and in the end, it was our undoing. Not talking about it and dealing with it up front means that there will be residual issues that will come up at various times down the road, most likely when you least expect it.

 

I personally never felt enough rage towards the OW in my situation to want to do anything to hurt her physically. If anything, I wanted to verbally cut her down to size. But then I realized... She's a coward and a mental case. I actually felt sorry for her. With all her bravado and constantly thinking about me (which is obvious based on her actions) and constant need to prove that what she thinks she has with him now because I tossed his ass out is something special makes me laugh. Had she just left me alone I wouldn't have felt much of anything for her. She's just another victim and it really could have been ANY woman. Despite the fact that I felt this way towards her, SHE was the one who was constantly attacking me... in messages, online in social media and to my face directly. Like someone else posted... there was a point in time where I wished she would actually hit ME so that I could have her arrested for it but I never really felt the need to be violent with her. Orange is not my color and I have far too much respect for myself to lose control over some bozo who couldn't figure out how to keep her legs closed or stay away from a man who was already involved. She sure did drive me nuts for quite awhile though.

[jm2013]

ALL relationships have ups and downs. If a few nice words from a man can make a woman cheat it is my opinion that that person was already detached from that relationship. Still not the fault of the person who is clearly trying to get some.

As for peer pressure with children I can only speak on my experience. I was a teen once. All of my friends were smoking, drinking, drugs and having sex. No matter what was said I never tried it. Same in college many of my friends did cocaine and ecstasy. I was told it will keep you skinny, it will do this all of the promises of greatness didn't matter to me because I knew who I was and the boundaries and expectations set by myself and parents. And if at any point I decided to try drugs, cigarettes etc it's no fault of my friends my own because temptation can ALWAYS be refused just as I can ALWAYS say yes. Choices as adults we all have to be responsible for our own actions.

I will say this, I am in a relationship. I am young and very attractive. The temptation is always there men hit on me all of the time. Men at work approach me all of the time. My SO and I hit a rough patch this summer. As humans the opportunity will always be there. But we can choose to take it or turn it down. If a man's wife decides to take that opportunity the only one to blame is his wife.

 

 

Well, you sound a lot different than the norm. Your success is a small % of all the others failure. There are many people who cheat who may have nothing wrong with their relationship or marriage. Those I think would be even harder to explain when uncovered. How do you explain that? "My wife and I had a wonderful marriage, kids and we attend Church regularly. I did not think she was capable of having an affair.". The dark side could be the rush alone. Doing something and getting that thrill rush. Then getting caught and being like "why did I do that".